Fearful Avoidant: Different Types of Broken Trust, Repairing Trust & How it Applies

[@alisonn395]

I noticed as an FA I used to become very mean/rude when my partener triggers me. I guess it is a defensive mechanism to push them away.

[@babc4323]

@@jodybahlke948 same here. My wife and I are separated. I am anxious style she's fearful avoidant. My suggestion (something I failed to do, but would practice if I were to work it out) would be to give space and allow them to come to you, and they might never do it. What seemed to work but I lost sight of was when hit with rudeness/name calling, instead of getting offended (as I usually did) if I let it be said and then sorta pretend like it didn't effect me. Over time, it got to me and I lost sight but if you are able to realize it's merely an expression of pain of some kind, allow the expression, then act in the opposite manner(if she said something like you're a jerk bc you are always late, be on time, consistency is KEY). Get thick skin and meet your own needs. My wife is noticing, I've been working out, calling the kids daily, took everyone to eat, those sort of things and she says I'll be a great dad as I always have been but still insists on divorce. I can't blame her in a way, we fought like cats and dogs. I've been doing therapy(everyone should), church(helps me, not for everyone) and learning how to meet my own emotional needs and I must say I'm at peace. I'm against the divorce and everyone other than her sees the growth so I know it's there. I believe she mentions the divorce because she's scared I'll mess up again, which hasn't been unfounded. But I believe it's her way of trying to get a rise out of me to "poke holes in my story" to justify her feelings. I believe seeing the change is confusing and even maddening for her so she lashes out by threatening divorce or saying hurtful things. I honestly believe she feels as though she'd rather not risk it and at least not right now. Just work on "u" and the "us" will fix itself. I hope you are in a better position than I am. Good luck and God bless

[@chrishatcher9239]

@@babc4323 keep doing what you are doing and just try to get into an alpha frame of mind. Trust me, she's noticing the changes. She's just not telling you. And she uses threat of divorce to s*** test you and your strength. You need to play the role of an avoidant to a degree. With her, not your kids. Demonstrate that you are her best option. She will come to you when she's ready, that's how the f/a works. 😣😖😵 Just don't blow it when she does. Best of luck brother

[@chrishatcher9239]

Remember, they never stop testing you. They want to know they've made the right choice. It's subconscious, they all do it, just like we'll look at their figures❤

[@anoncspan4129]

​@@babc4323I know we're strangers, but I'm curious if you could give an update. I'm going through a similar situation... congrats on your efforts, if not for the relationship than yourself and your kids.

[@ysff89]

Do you actually mean to push them away or you still want them to be there?

[@rachelmaree4712]

Lol half my problem is trusting my own emotions/feelings let alone trusting anyone else 😂

[@charmainegaynor9225]

Big facts 💯

[@thehapagirl92]

I wish I had a therapist like you. All the therapists I've ever had seem to think that the past isn't important. They say that looking at what past events trigger my current behaviors in romantic relationships aren't important to think about, and they're wrong.

[@daniellelaurino9540]

Have you tried looking into family of origns therapy?

[@edithhsedits226]

Agree!!

[@thewolfpriest77]

I'm FA. For me, the most hurtful part of being lied to or betrayed for me is not even having my trust broken. It's that I'm not being trusted...that they aren't seeing my strength, resilience, love and compassion. That's my core wound...they don't believe in me.

[@ysff89]

How can someone repair that if they made you feel that way?

[@IronX77]

Great content starting at 4:00

[@nerdspice6076]

Dear Ms. Gibson, everytime I watch your videos about FAs, and even the other insecure attachment styles, I find myself crying. Even though we're continents away from each other, and your videos are not live, you can make me feel heard, seen and understood. It's as if you are hugging me at the moment I am watching. This, I think, is what differs your from the others, in a good way. Everytime I finish watching a video from your channel, I feel like I am a step closer to getting better. You make me reflect a lot and I'd say I have changed a lot ever since I started following your channel. I'm still a work in progress but I'm glad to say I'm very different from who I am from the past. Thank you so much Ms. Gibson and your team!

[@daniellemichayla]

Makes me cry sometimes too. I’ve never felt so understood by someone.

[@mangoesforsummer488]

I literally just found your account and came hunting for a fearful avoidant video! Perfect timing

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy you found us! I invite you to check out our Fearful Avoidant playlist as well. A lot of great videos on various topics related to Fearful Avoidants - PDS team member p.s. I'm craving Mangoes now

[@mangoesforsummer488]

Personal Development School - Thais Gibson thanks so much! And hopefully it’s mango season where you are 😄

[@CreatedSpacespodcast]

All your videos are always insightful, I think they are most beneficial to all of us, because everyone somewhere has been through some sort of trauma and we carry these traumatic experiences with us throughout our relationships... This video really helped me to understand how some people trust issues are so deep rooted and it’s important when you love someone to try and understand them, and even help them to understand themselves and where their broken trust issues are coming from.❤️❤️

[@santiagoscho]

Omg! All your examples happened to me. One jealousy ends up to breakup. Singular experience is taken as a whole experience. I'm not speaking up to express vulnerability, I'm really working on conflict resolution, please talk more about that. Thanks Thais! I'm really trying to improve my relationship moving forward.

[@mahlatinyirongo7794]

You can say that again

[@sarahswan8498]

Could you do a video about how to build our relationship to ourselves? I’m doing the loneliness course, boundaries, did the needs course, self-esteem, and it helped but it’s still very hard at times to put myself first and my needs/boundaries first.

[@DayaTom]

Thank you, Thais! I thought I was FA yesterday I found it's only secondary now. Mainly I've become secure after over 10 years of extensively learning and healing. Feels so good to know! This video still hits home. Thank You!

[@CandaceCoker]

Question: How do you reprogram your distrust if still living with your caretakers as an adult? Sometimes it can feel as though you are breaking ground but then still being retriggered constantly.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Keep questioning the thoughts and stories you are telling yourself when triggered. It's the meaning you give to the situation that will keep you suffering. You are the adult now who makes the choices in your life and you aren't dependent on them for survival anymore. So you have the voice now to set boundaries, express needs and change the way you view the current situation because when you were a child and couldn't fully understand why our caregiver may have done certain things. Try and see your caregivers now as wounded and acting through their fears and insecurities they may still be carrying. - PDS team member

[@owlex10]

This video unlocked something in me that I was inching toward but hadn't quite been able to articulate or recognize fully in myself. I have been through all kinds of therapy: trauma, CBT, traditional talk, EMDR, you name it. But these videos are what packs the biggest healing punch at this time in my life. I was able to write down the things suggested here, dialogue them, and I sent them to my boyfriend (who also is fearful-avoidant) and his response to my wounded inner child, trust wounds, and vulnerability was so healing. Thank you, Thais.

[@SD-vw8jd]

Hi Alex! I'm so glad to read that you've got a great response from your partner. I will start EMDR next month and I'd love to hear some testimonials. Did it work for you,?

[@runejones3541]

this has actually helped me a lot i took the quiz and got fearful avoidant I need to send this to someone very close to me thank you so much for video!

[@kdeezybeats]

your a lifesaver thank you so much for these videos. i just started my secure attachment journey & i am determined to succeed for myself & to create better relationships.

[@suemel1716]

How incredibly helpful. I have signed up for your courses and feel like I will really get help from this series. Thank you for sharing your experiences and expertise for humanity. 🙂

[@Juniperberrie25]

What I find ironic is that a lot of FAs do the exact thing they don’t like being done to them. I find that a lot of FAs have one foot in/out the door and subsequently seem to mentally ‘line up’ their next partner if they are triggered by their current partner. How does this play into the fact that FAs don’t like their partners looking at other people? I dated an FA who wanted an open, non-exclusive ‘situationship’ but yet he’d make lots of passive aggressive ‘jokes’ about me dating other guys, it was very confusing given he was the one who was adamant about us seeing other people. Any insight from FAs would be helpful ❤

[@seanfrance3182]

I’ve never heard of a FA being cool with open relationships, it’s a huge trigger for most of us.

[@mahlatinyirongo7794]

3 attachment styles have wounds that need reprograming . Not to be embraced but worked on to gravitate to a secure attachment.

[@RinaUnderConstruction]

Hard to trust someone that continues to disappoint you and break your trust every time you start to back off, trust them, and explicitly remind them of your needs.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can be challenging for sure. As an FA trust is a big wound as well. Keep doing the work on your core wounds and hopefully you can get to a space of taking care of your own needs as much as possible but also effectively communicating what you need from your partner. If you are doing the work and your partner continues to not want to make an effort than there has to be a point where you decide if this person might not be a good fit for what you want out of life. I wish you luck and hope you can get some good tips and tools from our videos or online courses. - PDS team member

[@leahsamaniego4507]

You shouldn’t have to keep reminding someone of your needs and boundaries. You make them known, then set consequences. If they don’t make strides to earn your trust then you need to enact your consequences.

[@RinaUnderConstruction]

@@leahsamaniego4507 10000% Agree.

[@hashtagspandas4070]

Leah Samaniego 10000% Disagree. That doesn’t sound compassionate. Everyday life can be harsh on anyone and distracting, as well as make us forget what we truly want and need. We should be focusing on ourselves and what we like etc, no one can read minds. You have to be clear and authentic all the time and HELP the other person understand how you feel and what you desire regularly. Your well-being and happiness is not the responsibility of your loved one, they have their own internal fears and struggles to deal with and work on - we all do. So we should be clear and have enough self trust to be open about our boundaries & wishes rather than waiting for the other person to just magically get it and constantly provide. If they never even try that’s different, then you can leave. Different views.. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@RinaUnderConstruction]

@@hashtagspandas4070 I agree with you to an extent. Yes, everyday life is hard, but that doesn't excuse complacency. In my case, my partner only shows consistency up to 4 weeks after and arguement or conversation over the frustration of my needs not being met. While my happiness is not derived from my partner, I deserve to be happy in my relationship as it is a partnership we both are in. There should be a balance and I'm currently overgiving while my partner is undergiving and there is a constant crossing of boundaries. Relationships do not gett better over night, but love bombing for 3-4 weeks and going back to complacency does not make a great relationship.

[@veglissa5756]

Wow! Number 1 the "expectations" aspect of FA trust really hit home. I REALLY do expect any partner of mine to only find me attractive.

[@daniellemichayla]

Me too. It’s my biggest problem in my relationships! I don’t find others attractive when I’m in an intimate relationship with someone.

[@burritomaker69]

As lovely as this sounds it’s so unrealistic you might as well just be in a relationship with a robot only programmed to find you attractive.

[@wyni5614]

I love your long videos since I always take notes whenever you post a video on Fearful Avoidant since I struggle with it so thank you 💕💕💕💕💕

[@thelmawati5387]

You are a life saver, all your videos are very relatable and I’ve started applying your techniques will definitely look into the courses. Thank you.

[@b-rad3909]

I just want to be happy. Thanks PDS keep up the hard work.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

keep investigating and doing the work into why you aren't happy and what your needs are to keep you in a good state. Try different methods as suggested in the video's, talk to a professional, try meditation, etc. The emoitonal Mastery course in the school is helpful with clearing negative beliefs in order to live in alignment with truth and not fear and worry. You are worthy of happiness and inside of you there is a happy person waiting to come out. Thanks for your comment Bryan. - PDS team member

[@b-rad3909]

Well my mom passed away 4 years ago on the 31st of this month and it’s been pretty rough trying to find happiness. It happened unexpectedly and I really didn’t get to say goodbye. She had a heart attack. I was super close with her and my life hasn’t been the same since.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@b-rad3909 I'm so sorry Brian, my heart breaks at hearing that. Losing someone that close is devastating. You sound like such a beautiful person that made your mom proud. Sending you my thoughts and prayers. - PDS team member

[@alexandramaria7754]

People, All of us should use these videos for self-education but also understand what type of prospective partner we will date. It will be a great help to chose if we can stay or leave. Also, we should interiorize in our soul and body that we deserve healthy relationships. Which we can have only with individuals that want not only the same as we do but also can do the necessary work to co-create that reality with us. Sometimes we have to understand that our dating selection mechanism needs to be fixed, and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, and if we are dating in our 30's, our dating pool is full of people with attachment trauma, or individuals with dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment style. With this said, we have to be smart and educate ourselves on this new modern dating era, where bad behavior and shallow relationships are the new norms. We all have problems in our lives and at some point. We experienced trauma. Your key line should always be: I will never be less for someone who can't be more! Thanks Thais for another educational video! Alexandra

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for sharing your perspective on the matter :) - PDS team member

[@Delgado-ot4lq]

Love this comment 💜

[@miranda6738]

Thank you for that comment! Well said

[@user-qv5vt7gy7r]

I realized recently that I am a fearful avoidant. I had really bad enmeshment growing up. My problem mainly now is that I have a very high needs toddler and I can't help but sort of lose my sense of self taking care of her constant needs especially that I really literally have no help with her. I try to do self care and set some time for myself but sinxe she is very high maintenance and high needs and needs constant stimulation, I can't help but feel on edge around her all the time and always prioritize keeping her volatile mood stable over any needs of mine. How do I set boundaries with her without negatively affecting her?

[@m.935]

"It takes a village to raise a child". Maybe you just need your "tribe", people who will help you and share the job?

[@witchymama3439]

Following. I feel the same with my 5 year old. She is very challenging and strong willed. She also has ADHD. I’d love a video on how to best parent for the attachment styles

[@chrishatcher9239]

I'm working on rebuilding trust with my f\a. It's a learning process to figure out what triggers her. I hope I don't lose her while learning.

[@chrishatcher9239]

What a difference a week makes. We're talking again and now she's telling me about the things that triggered her. Little things, that I did or said weeks and months ago. Granted, they didn't seem little to her at the time. And maybe they still don't, that's what we're talking about. If I told you where they were half of you would say, ..seriously? Why do you fearful avoidants have your sensitivity meter on high all the time???

[@chrishatcher9239]

Update:.... I blew it😕

[@amyc.warren9521]

@@chrishatcher9239 YOU probably didn’t “ blow it” she probably sabotaged the relationship, possibly unknown to her. 😢

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

I'm FA. And sometimes I'm quite personally transparent and vulnerable quickly. I find with friends, in some ways I trust them and other ways I dont. I can trust one to appreciate me but not keep things private. For example.

[@cloudslady3400]

I got to the point where I look at my friend and I see everything but not a friend.. we move on after problems but I feel she's a complete stranger to me..it's scary and make me go cold cuz I don't know how to fix it😭😭

[@catalina6024]

Loved this video, as ever. Question: how do I find out what my trust was broken aroud? I don't know how to do that.

[@staceydenise5538]

Sometimes that subconscious program has been transmitted from one's family of origin and it's important to recognize it, so you can work on this aspect too.

[@yveqeshy]

This was a hard one to watch but powering though it is worthwhile

[@cerenerdemil127]

Your content is very, very, very valuable. ❤️ Thank you. I'm a little confused because in my relationship with my mom (and with some other people), I seem to be a dismissive avoidant, but in my romantic relationships, I am a fearful avoidant. Is that even possible? Is there a video about it in this channel? I've searched but I seem to have missed it if there were videos about it. Thank you very much for everything. ❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Yes that is possible in some instances. The video I am posting below addresses it. Thanks for your wonderful comment - PDS team member kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y5m0q2mMm9x6fsU

[@cerenerdemil127]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you 🙏

[@andreabusinesshacks]

HI THAIS! which video would you recommend is the best to share with a DA partner?

[@MangoOasis97]

this hits home

[@sabrinacz]

1. Programmed expectations 2. Single minor trust violations

[@clareleanne]

Could you talk about FAs and narrative discrepancies?

[@kweisgerber]

That was a better intro that previous videos.

[@kweisgerber]

*than, not that

[@ericmiller4593]

As an FA it is hard to have trust in adult relationships when all you have experienced are breaches of trust and others moving on.

[@rach6525]

Can you do one about the DA please

[@veronicamarrinan8208]

how do you deal with them overreacting to a small boundary being crossed, them saying that you've destroyed all trust and cutting you off?

[@lunkerjunkie]

my senses betray me. when I follow my sense of good I end up in pain and fear.

[@scruffylookingnerfherder1983]

Bingo. This video was very eyeopening for me. My partner felt threatened and lost trust because I didn't immediately tell her about some conflict that was going on between my father and I. She felt like I was keeping things from her even though I tried to explain I didn't feel comfortable talking about what was going on with my dad. This happened a couple of months ago and I feel it was a reason she started emotionally withdrawing. She absolutely catastrophized this minor trust violation and it's very frustrating because it broke her trust in me completely. Not sure how to get back on track because she is so defensive every time I bring it up.

[@rubyanaya126]

Thank you

[@christinerobertson9596]

You are so smart

[@zauberkeit1234]

"Everybody lies - only variable is about what"

[@staydreamer1]

Hi Thais, I've found your videos are really helping me understand myself ... At last. So thankyou. Question: what if I've already set the tone of mistrust in my romantic relationship... For example, he knows he cannot look at other women, even on the TV etc because of my extreme reactions, so now he dare not. How do I UNDO what is already considered "the standard" way of being in the relationship? Thanks in advance :)

[@smileyface702]

4:38

[@Jenshi13665]

Set your boundaries ahead of time! Is it a betrayal of trust and something you could never get over if your partner touches someone else sexually? Let them know that! Is it absolute betrayal of trust, something you could never move on from, if your partner talks about your relationship issues to other people? TELL THEM before there is a problem. Leaving things to assumption can lead to heart ache. Figure out the things that are pain triggers for you, but that you could work past, as well. Would it be painful for your partner say something sexually suggestive to someone else? Tell them! The key is knowing what hurts and telling them what hurts, as well as letting them know the absolute hard red lines that you could not move past. If your partner loves and cares for you, they will always keep those things in mind as well as work with you to mitigate the areas you feel pain.

[@ummewaseem4910]

omg all the stories you mentioned around the 14 min mark is my own thoughts around trust, yikes

[@austinnguyen9107]

10:08 10:30

[@793lefty]

Bruja! Lol jk, but this is uncanny timing. I needed this. Thank you.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy this spoke to you! Thanks for your comment - PDS team member

[@1x93cm]

And now folks...WHO DO YA TRUST!? Hubba hubba hubba money money money!

[@kayaxe]

Any tips on how to get a dismissive female Ex to Open up? It has been amost 2.5months since break up. Thank you :)

[@laurynnguku3580]

❤️

[@kate7932]

I have to disagree in this video.. I have my values around trust and for how much my boyfriend is allowed to do certain things.. and I won’t change them for anybody.. wounded or not wounded 😂 I would prefer to die alone seriously 🤣.. this is me tho.. if therapists will tell me it’s unhealthy I don’t care 😅😂🤷🏻‍♀️ Between all the things of my attachment I won’t try changing this 100%.. that’s my boundary ☺️😊

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for your sharing... I agree you definitely want to set a boundary and let your feelings be known if they did/said something that doesn't feel good to you. I think the idea is that FA's belief around trust can hold some barriers to ever giving trust to their partner. So because an FA is wounded from past trust violations and FA's don't always state their own boundaries the new partner won't know what things would trigger that trust wound. eg. your partner might think it's okay to hang out with other females... but you do not think that is appropriate. You would express how/what it makes you feel and respectfully see if there is any compromise (if it's in a group, if it's an old friend and you come along). Like if you told him you can never in your life speak to a member of the opposite sex, that would be projecting your past wound onto a current person who's intent is not malicious at all and a partner might feel controlled. If it's a major trust violation than of course you have to act in which way you think is appropriate and what you will accept/not accept for yourself. - PDS team member

[@kate7932]

Personal Development School - Thais Gibson thanks for the interest in my comment! I would say if I’m bothered by something I usually say it.. because I’m so bothered I wouldn’t be capable of keeping it for myself.. so if it’s a boundary the other person will know.. this is a value I have, maybe it got stronger due to my wounds but it’s also something that I’m actively deciding to keep as my values.. what I mean is not that my partner can’t look at other females or hang with them, until there is respect and they’re just friends.. fine.. what I mean if you’re sexually attracted by other people, and especially in front of me.. it doesn’t matter what other people think; this is something that it’s just a turn off for me and I don’t accept and won’t.. I understand that many people in the world think differently from me and that’s fine. I will wait for someone that share this value I have.. there is a difference for me between looking at someone and recognizing his/her beauty from an objective perspective, or maybe even your personal.. and staring instead at that person with the “saliva in the mouth”😅 I hope I’m giving the idea ahah If a person thinks a girl is beautiful before to know me he won’t think she’s ugly just because we’re together😂 Like I understand if for him there are prettier girls than me.. the problem comes if he’s sexually aroused by them.. cause I can’t set a boundary in that case cause he can’t force himself (or me) to not be sexually attracted by them.. That would be a problem cause it’s crushing with my value of being exclusive.. some people will be like: “it’s not reasonable that you won’t ever want other people or be sexually attracted by other ones after years..” I understand that but I don’t change mind the same.. it has to have a limit.. and mine it’s more than the average person? That’s fine 😊 I prefer someone that is more mental like me and less effected by bodies.. I hope that makes sense 😘😘

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I definitely agree that if your partner is staring at someone for a long period of time or consistently over and over while in your presence, that is a big problem. I guess where I can see a differentiation would be if a partner is "noticing beauty" vs. drooling and wanting to be with or sleep with that person. Because to "turn off attraction" to objects of beauty would be hard because it's an unconscious reaction. A lot of times our eye will catch a beautiful person (guy or girl) and we can look away and not have any attachment to it. A wounded person might take this scenario completely opposite and feel so hurt and crushed that their partner is looking at a woman. They might internalize it and go home and start criticizing themselves for not being pretty enough and that their partner would rather be with someone else....and its the stories from lens of past trauma that can be way out of alignment with the situation. That's why communicating if you feel a certain way so your partner can have a chance to work with you and give you validation or security or wherever you might need in those moments instead of sweeping it under the rug and re-enforcing the negative programming - PDS team member

[@kate7932]

Personal Development School - Thais Gibson Yes, I see.. I wouldn’t think my partner wants to be with someone else instead of me just because he looks at them, it may just be something of a moment, it’s also plenty of men/women that they even cheat on their partners but will never leave them..( so they want to be with their actual partner).. there are also people that like to hear too from which people their partner is attracted from.. I know people in this way and I know the world is enough various to have all the kind of people ahah if it happens a scenario like that where it’s too much I would think that he’s disrespecting me.. that’s it.. until it’s a thing of beauty I don’t have any problem.. I’m a very aesthetic person ahah I see beauty everywhere around me.. the thing is If it goes on the sexual area 😅 Like I notice a sexual attraction or anyway it’s something that it’s consistent in the time to the point of calling my attention..

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@kate7932 I'm happy you see beauty everywhere around you :) But yes, really great that you communicate with your partner how it makes you feel if he is doing that. - PDS team member

[@Bibiesworld]

lol... were all BOB

[@Talkinglife]

nice

[@Belbibitt7]

Don’t speak so fast please

[@island661]

You can adjust the speed by clicking on the three dots up top, then clicking the playback speed you prefer. 😉

[@Belbibitt7]

You speak too fast

[@daniellemichayla]

You can slow down the video if you need to.

[@Belbibitt7]

@@daniellemichayla how can I do that?

[@tedtalksrock]

Type into google: “ How do I slow down a You Tube video” for extensive instructions.

[@tedtalksrock]

But simply: tap on the top right, where there are 3 dots. A menu will open, click “Playback Settings” and on the next menu you can choose to increase or slow down the speed.