312: Finding Your Authentic Self As A Child Of Emotionally Immature Parents with Dr Lindsay Gibson

Welcome back to Therapy Chat! In this first episode of 2022 Laura welcomes guest Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of several books, including most recently, "Self Care for Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Laura and Lindsay had a fascinating conversation about how emotionally immature parents - those whose emotional/attachment needs weren't met by their own parents - can affect their children's development.
Lindsay explains identity formation in fascinating detail. Listen to this compassionate and eye-opening conversation about the pain of growing up with emotionally immature parents, how having emotionally immature parents can interfere with connecting to your authentic self, and how to move forward if this is your story.
Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. holds both a Masters and Doctoral Degree in clinical psychology. She has been a psychotherapist for over thirty years, working in diverse settings such as the Juvenile Court system, community mental health, psychiatric hospitals, group practice, and solo practice. During her career in psychological testing, doing literally thousands of evaluations of children and adults, Dr. Gibson was uniquely in demand for her ability to understand people from a developmental perspective.
Dr. Gibson is also a gifted teacher and public speaker and has offered training on multiple topics to other mental health professionals throughout her career. She has served as an Adjunct Assistant Professor for the Virginia Consortium Program for Clinical Psychology, leading doctoral student workshops and independent study classes.
Dr. Gibson is the author of four books: Who You Were Meant to Be, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Since its publication in 2015, her second book has been a repeated Amazon #1 bestseller in several categories and has been translated into seventeen languages. She has also writes a monthly column on Well-Being for Tidewater Family magazine. Dr. Gibson lives and works in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Resources
Learn more about Dr. Lindsay Gibson at her website: www.drlindsaygibson.com
Thank you to this week's sponsor, TheSuperBill.com! Therapists: If your practice doesn’t accept insurance, go to thesuperbill.com to get started with SuperBill, a service that can help your clients get reimbursed. The next time a potential client asks if you accept insurance, let them know that you partner with SuperBill to help your clients effortlessly receive reimbursement.
Your clients can get a free month of service with the promo code "THERAPYCHAT" and don't forget, you can receive $100 for each therapist you refer!
Thank you also to Trauma Therapist Network for sponsoring this week's episode. Trauma therapists - clients with trauma are searching for specialized therapy related to their specific needs. Let them know you're out there! Now is your chance to lock in Founding Member pricing and receive all the perks of membership at the lowest price!
Founding Members pay only $33/month for the duration of their membership and receive:
A dynamic, beautiful therapist listing page that highlights all of your skills and areas of specialization while helping trauma survivors find you so they can get the therapy they're looking for! Your page is customizable with links to articles you've written, videos, photos, and more!
Quarterly open-ended community calls starting in January 2022.
Beginning March 1, 2022 all members are invited to participate in 4 weekly live calls focused on: training in specific topics related to trauma; case consultation; self-care and member Q&A. All but the case consultation calls will be recorded and become part of a library accessible for current and future members.
Founding Member pricing ends January 31, 2022 so don't wait to lock in your best price and receive all of the goodies!
Starting February 1, 2022 the price of membership increases to $97/month and registration will close on 2/28/22. After that, the price will go up again and anyone who wants to join will be added to a waiting list with the $97/month price locked in when next registration opportunity opens - likely mid-summer 2022.
Sign up at: traumatherapistnetwork.com/th...
Podcast produced by Pete Bailey - petebailey.net/audio

[@nelhanratty2939]

Dr Lindsay’s descriptions are so helpful. The part about the person stopping at nothing until they feel back in control. It’s frightening and bewildering to be around such a person when you’re a young child. This was how it was for me with my mother, and it continued until she passed away at the age of 91 about 3 months ago. I spent so much of my life trying to work out what was happening, trying to figure her out, trying, trying, trying. May Dr Gibson’s work spare others this torment.

[@dorijoe]

It is torment. Instead of love and empathy, some of us receive cruelty and abuse from our mothers. I have a feeling that these mothers believe that they have the right to torment their child. What I don't understand: what are they gaining by destroying their own child's capacity to live a good life?

[@R.A.A.1980]

Lindsey is incredible her books have changed my life

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I'm a huge fan too and looking forward to interviewing her again soon about her new book that is coming out this year!

[@annachoi665]

I have all her books! Life changing indeed

[@MichelleG333]

My parents don’t say I love you, it’s usually, “you know I love you “ .. and that is said once in a blue moon. I think my parents had kids because society told them not because they wanted to and desired to be good parents. Our relationship has been so draining and toxic . I hate this

[@rebeccaannette2139]

I am reading this now and its really incredible and its also heartbreaking... But the healing will definitely come through this new awareness.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

healing is not easy, but it is worth it! I'm glad you've found the book helpful!

[@janiemiller825]

Lindsey really knows her stuff- very helpful info.. thx ☺️ 🙏 💕

[@janethomas78]

how many people actually recover from this kind of Emotional Abuse and Brainwashing?

[@mysticshining]

Thanks for having Dr. Lindsay Gibson on your show. She has a gift for translating this subject into words that's so helpful.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I so agree with you! You're welcome!

[@Discovery_and_Change]

Ads at 11:40 | 17:58 | 33:50 | 43:29 | 3:40 emotional and attachment needs not met 5:06 Gibson intro 6:52 introspective, sensitive, kind persons 21:58 brainwashed out of instincts for self-care 24:03 don't forget about yourself 24:07 handle things in ways that support you 27:21 be true to yourself 28:19 be proud of yourself. Spend time there 29:21 have a sense of love for yourself 32:52 honor your inner world 33:29 listen to inner voice and emotions 34:28 be interested/curious in yourself, decisions, emotions

[@jynclr]

Dr. Gibson should understand that when someone says "narcissistic" they're not diagnosing these parents, but encapsulating a set of behaviors into one word. Secondly, she knows that those cluster B personality disorders are EMOTIONALLY STUNTED people.

[@Musecollective]

7 minutes in is sooo validating!! Thank you! 🥹

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I'm so glad you found this helpful!

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Also, the story about the woman who had untapped intellectual giftedness, and it instantaneously made me think of (one of my FAVOURITE MOVIES EVER) Good Will Hunting 🥺🙏❤️‍🩹 THAT scene, with Robin Williams.. 💔🙌 “it’s not your fault, Will..” ✌️🥺✨❣️

[@emilykirkman8468]

Such an incredibly moving scene!!

[@janiemiller825]

Such a great movie 👏

[@GoldandPinkLight]

Totally agree about the Narcissist label! Not really helpful and healing. It's just a different way of responding to trauma.

[@sincerefaithfulness]

Emotionally immature person need to heal themselves from trauma before they decide to produce children. Otherwise we are just continuing the generational trauma. And the hardest thing about generational trauma, it takes a lifetime to heal.

[@artandculture5262]

I didn’t have them. Do you feel better? You sound horrid.

[@silviagemelli5632]

Thank you very very much for everything shared in this interview, I have recently discovered Dr. Gibson and she’s helping greatly on my healing path from an emotionally abusive and immature mother - I wished I knew this material a long time ago!

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

That's so great to hear! I loved her explanation too. I think her perspective of speaking about "emotionally immature parents" is compassionate, because it doesn't portray the parents as monsters, they are humans whose needs weren't met too.

[@mariastewart9861]

Thank you for an amazingly informative and interesting podcast 🙏 Some explanations like the need for them to have external people to help them balance their mood etc sounds like narcissistic supply though, hence emotionally immature people seems to me to be the same as what other people refer to as narcissists. Appreciate that it is kinder to call them emotionally immature however the damage they do to others have the same effect surely? Plus everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions regardless of what has happened in their past, especially when it comes to dealing with children. I get the sentiment but it feels that we are pandering to, and excusing, these toxic behaviours. They end up ruining their children’s lives because they refuse to do the work and heal themselves.

[@lorrainez5190]

Gosh, I love learning all this and eureka..realize I had a Mom and now a husband that I couldn’t put my finger on..I hope there will be a new book about being married and trying to understand something was not right.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I'm sorry to hear you've experienced this, it's all too common for people who were born before the 2000's! And many who were born after then, too.. So you're definitely not alone. It's really hard.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Oh wow! 😯 this is so very succinctly described here!! 🙌😚❣️✨ wonderful!! TY 🙏

[@annthelen]

This is revelatory to me .Thank you.❤

[@cheechchong3021]

SUCH A GREAT TALK

[@laursd4866]

This is great information. What resources do you have when younger children are struggling with one parent who might fall into the category of emotionally immature and another parent who is mature/ empathetic/ attuned, etc? Parents might be separated or together causing a lot of confusion and de-stabilizing the family. Thank you!!

[@hody11]

How can I contact Dr. Gibson?

[@Sereneis]

But emotionally immature ppl don't have introspection, so they will continue to reproduce. This ppl's immaturity keep them from knowing that they are faulty....there is no way out for us, their mature children, their victims. Just accept that we lived in hell as children, carrying trauma to adulthood, when we can find help to heal. My em.imm.mother is 96, still gaslighting me from her nursing home. I know she lived a hellish childhood herself, but even though I forgive her at an intellectual level, it still hurts at the emotional level. This is just the way dice were dealt. I am still trying to live my life.

[@fb2500]

Wow, this is just so incredible helpful! I have a burning question: if one is a kid of immature parents, and recognizes the repressing of self (and have been working on discovering who oneself truly is), is it possible also to have some emotional immaturity oneself? And in that case how to discern what is ones own emotional immaturity and at the same time not give oneself up like one used to do to please others ? Hope my question makes sense

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

Hi! I'm so glad you've found this episode helpful! Anyone can have the capacity to be an emotionally immature parent, based on their experiences. When we're raised by emotionally immature parents, we may find ourselves either going to the extreme to be different, and that causes other challenges; or to unconsciously re-enact similar dynamics - but the good news is, we can heal. What emotionally immature parents - as Dr. Lindsay Gibson defines them - find extremely difficult is to accept accountability. So if one recognizes those dynamics in oneself it's a beautiful opportunity to work on healing that for the benefit of the next generation. I recommend checking out the recent episodes with Dr. Shefali, Dr. Mariel Buqué and Linda Thai (the one on psychodrama structures) to understand this more. Thanks to neuroplasticity, it's possible to change our nervous system reactions. Now that we know better, we can do better!

[@fb2500]

@@TherapyChatPodcast oh, thank you for your reply and the recommendations, very helpful!❤️ indeed, I want to break the bad generational cycle ! Thank you !

[@tinyelephant77]

Very interested in listening to this

[@FluffyHedgehog]

I've been listening to Lindsay Gibson a lot lately, and there is a portion in this video that got me really confused. So, in other videos , she describes, among other things, immature people, as judging you based on their emotional state, for example, if you upset them with something they may hate you in the moment, disregarding all of the previous interactions. Also she said how mature people can become immature when they are tired or sick. But now, she explains how if someone does something bad to you, it's not ok, even if they were nice before. Well, shouldn't we judge someone based on the whole interaction over a period of time and not just based on one incident? How can we tell the difference if someone is actually bad, or maybe just had a bad day? I'm so confused, can anyone explain?

[@traviswatters9964]

It's about their patterns of behavior. If it happens a lot, they probably aren't having a bunch of "bad days" in a row. Everyone has bad days or slip-ups where they act out, that's normal. It isn't necessarily okay that they mistreated you in the moment, but if they have a longstanding good relationship with you, it's just a drop in the bucket. Is that what you were asking?

[@FluffyHedgehog]

@@traviswatters9964 Yes I agree with you about pattern behaviour and I agree everyone has bad days and slip-ups which is normal. But in this video listen from minute 37:30 , where she gives an example : " well , if you known someone for a long time and they shot you in foot, does all the time that they were nice, fix the foot'? and Idk, I find her example a bit extreme, of course it won't fix it, but you can't just disregard everything the've done before, and the effort they put to be nice. From what she explained in other videos, that's how an immature person would react: " oh you hurt me now, I'll forget everything good you ever did " Do you get my confusion now?

[@tnt01]

Sounds very much like individuals with BPD.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

the BPD diagnosis is often assigned to people who did not receive what they needed during their development. Yes!

[@JoshuaShepherd]

This was great. Thanks for the informative show. My great grandfather was an orphan who went on to be an abusive alcoholic. My grandfather ended up an emotionally immature individual who’s psychologically manipulative, who brought up my mother to go through a lot of grief, with people-pleasing tendencies. What go-to resources exist for those emotionally immature parents?

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

Sorry I didn't see this comment sooner! Those experiences can definitely have a huge impact on families. Dr. Lindsay Gibson's book is one great resource; visit: traumatherapistnetwork.com/recommendations/ for more recommendations!

[@GoldandPinkLight]

The website link doesn't seem to work. Do you happen to know her current website? Thanks!

[@rosalyn.mp4]

14:00

[@jtsjtsm7920]

Wait... granny in little red riding hood is the wolf? The wolf meets her on the path to the grandmother's house, then goes to the grandmother's house, pretendsto be little red riding hood in order to gain entry, eats the grandmother or in other versions locks the grandmother up and disguises itself in her bedclothes, in order, to trick and eat red riding hood too. Then the real red riding hood arrives and does not recognize her grandmother. The end of the story the wolf is chopped up or chased away by the woodsman and both red riding hood and grandmother are saved . I don't understand your interpretation. How is the grandmother the wolf who meets red riding hood on the path, questions red riding hood, tells her to go pick flowers first, goes off to grandmother's house disguised as red riding hood in order to enter the cottage and eat or lock up the grandmother?

[@meloneymoore8856]

Thank you soo much for this discussion. I was raised by 2 emotionally immature parents❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon

[@phemery1182]

🙏❤️💯👏👏👏

[@ethelgalla2210]

This podcast is completely biased. Every human being on this planet is flawed and its about each of us looking into ourselves and learning and growing, and taking full responsibility for our own choices. Blaming your parents leaves you stuck in victim mode.

[@AwesomeMusicDude]

I feel you missed the point of the podcast. I felt the direction was indeed from the point of imature parents but it continued towards growth and emotional maturity. Also these types of convos put your mind to work, which is nice. Maybe you integrated your issue around this topic and there might be no need to revisit it.

[@Starshine1321]

Like they mentioned, it is not about "blaming" your parents, but it is about becoming aware of how your parents' actions in your childhood have shaped your adult life and how you can grow from it. I think you missed the point of the podcast

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

@@AwesomeMusicDude nice perspective!

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

@@Starshine1321 so often we blame ourselves for how we feel; when trauma and attachment wounds are the real cause. I find it helpful to understand that like the title of one of Christine Courtois's books, "It's Not You, It's What Happened To You"! It's not about blaming our parents but it is about realizing there is a reason for how we feel. Thanks for your comment.

[@KellyMartin0902]

There's a difference in blame and understanding