Detaching From Emotionally Immature People with Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Welcome back to Therapy Chat! This week, in an interview that is timely as we're in the thick of the holiday season, I interviewed Dr. Lindsay Gibson for the second time. This time we're discussing the challenge of disentangling from emotionally immature people.
In our conversation, you'll hear Lindsay describe the characteristics of Emotionally Immature People, how it feels to be in a relationship with them, and how to assert ourselves within those relationships. She discusses her newest book, "Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, stand up for Yourself, and Transform Your Relationships as an adult child of Emotionally Immature Parents".
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❤️ Laura Reagan, LCSW-C. Owner of Baltimore Annapolis Center for Integrative Healing, and founder of Trauma Therapist Network. I host Therapy Chat and Trauma Chat Podcasts and offer trauma psychotherapy, clinical supervision, consulting, coaching, and training.
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[@ataxie]

"If a person wants to understand what you are saying, it really does not matter how you say it. If a person does not want to understand what you are saying, it also does not matter how you say it." WoW! Thank you!

[@michellecardenas6072]

So profound isn't it?❤Who knew???...Well, Now WE ALL DO !! YES...Its THAT simple. Yet we look at it as OUR OWN fallacie in another's ability as though it's OUR responsibility, but in actuality it ISNT. Our only responsibility is to OURSELF and the purity coming from our heart in the message that we provide. 💖💖💖 Thanks for the insight!❤️❤️❤️

[@tamara0707]

I used to ruminate for weeks, months, years on how I could have said it “better” to help him/her understand me, or react “better”. Damn! Yes, thank you, Dr Gibson, for this insight!

[@sofren4929]

The way you say something matters a lot I think.

[@mariarippo8805]

Wow!!! It seems so easy to understand this but it's not!

[@Mattchew2232]

This is true in one sense, but not in another. If we respond with our own evil, it damages our soul. We will be accountable to God for our words and actions.

[@angelawarren2567]

Emotional Immaturity when there is no self reflection to the degree that the behavior is not changed is a form of narcissism.

[@AnnaMishel]

I wouldn’t call a shark “emotionally immature”, when he attacks, or a mother guppy “emotionally immature”, when they eat their babies. It’s their nature to do what they do. And it’s a psychopaths/nature to exploit & harm in every way they can conceive. Empaths & psychopaths have different natures , which are immutable.

[@punyashloka4946]

It's a degree of course.

[@mariamalhotra8228]

Describing my mother to a T

[@user-wd5lm6iv6v]

Or a symptom. 💯

[@Beachandpool]

Thank you! My mom has this.

[@lindan9255]

“They override what you say. They disregard what you say.” Spot on.

[@comoane]

Respecting a “no” is impossible.

[@Cafeallday222]

@@comoanenot true.. they can respect their own “no” 😂

[@alimac7203]

@@Cafeallday222 😂 oh shit yeah!

[@vodkavuitton]

​@@comoaneyou're delusional 🤷🏾‍♀️ living in reality is impossible

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

As someone who grew up in an extraordinarily toxic, narcissistic environment, I’ve done so much work to reprogram my behavior and nervous system and become more mature. I still attract emotionally immature people because deep down that feels normal, even though I can’t tolerate it, and I struggle every day to continue to find and remove the remaining toxic responses and triggers within me. It’s. A. Lot. I hope I can one day experience the benefits of it and be in a healthy intimate relationship.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

The impact this type of upbringing has on us is deep and long lasting. I'm happy that you've been able to address how it's impacted you. It can be a slow, painful process to heal. Wishing you the best on your journey!

[@angelamossucco2190]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@coolbreeze3]

I completely understand. Tons of mental illness, learning disabilities & addictions on both sides of mine. I was conditioned to tolerate abuse, neglect, & being reparented. It took the pandemic for me to realize that despite being there for everyone no one was there for me. It was 💔 but I now understand how I normalize it. I also now understand that many people are emotionally immature because they’re socially enabled to be this way & I’m the odd one for wanting deeply meaningful, thoughtful, connections. People keep warning about being alone, but honestly, this is the happiest I’ve been. 🫠

[@babycakes8434]

When you grow up raised by a narc, you end up attracting narcs like a magnet. I think the best weapon against them is to be selfish, as they are. They don't like selfish people, because they are not a good supply to them. I think that if you find someone who is "healthy" and not a narc, then you can build a healthy relationship, otherwise you are cursed from the start of the relationship. Don't be too nice or too understanding, so they won't like you😂 But you don't have to listen to me because I don't know what I am talking about being raised by a raging narcissist.

[@babycakes8434]

​@@coolbreeze3 Being alone is awesome, but you only realize it after you know how much it sucks to be with someone else.

[@wallymarcel1]

That’s ALL they do is announce, and call it conversation. I realized that’s exactly how a four-year old talks.

[@user-oc3lc1sx8m]

My Dad can talk for hours if I just sit there and nod. It’s hard to insert yourself in the “conversation” because he jumps to another topic, leaving no space. It’s like he’s talking with himself. So conversations with him feel like lectures.

[@Janiacster]

Yup

[@lcie7737]

My mom lectures as well, I remember trying to converse with her as a child and repeatedly feeling defeated because she just could not hear me. It exhausted me, so then “gave up the fight” that is when I stopped thinking I had anything valuable to say or anyone would ever want to listen to me. Now into a 20+ year relationship with someone whom exhibits similar behaviors and we have 3 children I now feel the need to expose this information to, although I’m unsure how receptive they will be. I’ve struggled with self doubt but also know myself relatively well and am a seeker of truth. I fluctuate between wanting to leave and feeling obligated to remain “the mediating rock” for these very dear to me EIP’s. I’ve just begun the workbook and am so grateful for the practical tips at the end of each section! Already recognizing some patterns objectively and advocating for myself in a way that is more empowering. Thank you both! 🌈

[@janiemiller825]

It’s very one sided convo & drains your energy… ugh 😑

[@colleengarcia7752]

Mine tell me things. No conversation or interest outside of what he says. Talks over me like I am speaking. Doesn’t even notice he does it. Always the same subjects or what he saw in a KZbin video. 38 years now.

[@ElleY-ks8pl]

I did a lot of therapy and self work since my early 20s. I’m now middle aged and am continuing this work. It has been a lonely journey. There aren’t many mature people out there, especially male partners. I wish emotional regulation and maturity were taught in schools as part of the curriculum. Imagine the difference that would make in our society.

[@mamamuzic]

I agree! We all need this type of education!

[@JJ-xi1fq]

It is taught in schools. I’m a teacher of five to six year olds. Emotional and social learning underpins our entire curriculum. The problem begins at birth and continues for next five years to successfully or unsuccessfully create life long skills of self regulation, empathy and communication.

[@Nurturing2]

@@JJ-xi1fqRespectfully, not in my experience. 💔 I will continue to spend my lifetime healing from the abuse by the educators who abused my children with special needs. These individuals exhibited arrested development by their lack of self awareness, compassion and empathy. Grateful your experience is positive. Thank you for choosing to make a difference. 🙏😇✨

[@mariemonn6590]

Me too…and I agree

[@mariemonn6590]

@@JJ-xi1fqit is not taught in every school ..It needs to be teach each year and even in the Universities. It’s not just a one time thing. Mindfulness..education in brain development..emotional intelligence…breath awareness…non-violence… dis-identification with the thoughts that arises…so much more ..

[@user-ow4kz4hz5y]

Omg now my husband makes sense. We've been together for 24 years and I've been exasperated the whole time. 15 years ago I insisted on going to marriage guidance. I said there is no communication, he has nothing to say. When she asked my husband, he said " I've said all I have to say to her in the first 3 months that I met her"😮! The woman was astounded. Our homework was to talk for 15 minutes a day, he couldn't do it 🙈. I should've walked away that day, but I've kept trying to fix it 😭. My soul yearns for a deep connection 😞, I've wasted 24 years of my life 😞

[@lynndupree1205]

I hate that you are going through this! I very often said the same thing to myself when I was married to my abuser - "I have wasted all these years." I don't think there is any lonlier feeling than when you are trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. He is basically telling you, "I don't care about your feelings, your hopes and dreams, or even your health. This is all you are going to get from me, take it or leave it!" I HOPE you will consider how to leave him! You can begin setting things up to leave: support system, finances, logistics, and legal. Just the act of moving forward helps tremendously. We can't get back the time we spent, but we can plan for the future. Good luck, sweet lady. You are brave and true. Hope this helps somebody.

[@SBecktacular]

I’m so sorry 😞this makes me so sad- I hope you have others in your life that “see” you and care about your feelings. 🙏❤️💪 I do, and if I could I’d give you a hug 🥹

[@alannaconnolly7224]

Are you still there??

[@jackiepowell7513]

I too, wasted much time.

[@judithleroith7140]

😂

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

I’m 42 and my entire life I was made to believe something was wrong with me, and that I was a narcissist. All this came from my toxic mother. I would always wonder why my family saw me as this evil selfish person yet strangers would tell me that I had this light in me and others said this as well but my family only saw the worst.then I had a near death experience which I actually died and when I woke up from a coma on life support I felt entirely different. I had started a spiritual awakening.and with therapy I begun learning the truth about my life. I finally went no contact

[@susanstardust4706]

Just wow, thank you. Summarising how your family only ever saw the worst, yet many others only see your light. Same here. Believing others is a difficult process. That's where the work is and healing comes. Good luck x

[@whitneyanders5945]

You are free! For some they never have that awakening. Narc and emotionally unavailable parents cause far too much damage to their children and society. It’s awful how having kids can bring out the worst in people. It can also bring out the best in people and the planet needs more great parents and adult role models.

[@pavanatanaya]

Did you come from the midwest USA?

[@Cyndi5784]

Arrested emotional development and lack of empathy are 2 main markers of someone with Narcissist personality disorder. I believe those with emotional immaturity are on the spectrum of NPD

[@FiberFairy22]

I'm sad how much this resonates with me ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@maggiemay8622]

It’s the constant denial that they’re doing anything wrong, if you try to tell them in a non threatening way. It’s always , ‘no I’m not’ .

[@nataliatrumpo3893]

That “feigned innocence”…. 😒

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

“When they ignore your boundaries it’s not a call for you to go passive and give up on yourself. It’s a call to get specific and definite and repetitive with them which are all active coping mechanisms. Don’t give up. Keep at it in a non reactive way.”Let your no be no and your yes be yes.

[@andreapartytown]

I was 39, when I finally gave myself permission to have boundaries…. After 10 months of counselling. I grew and grew managed to stay married for 25yrs , changed my relationship with my father…. I’m now in my 60th year and know myself really well… and love myself too

[@Anson7777]

No .. is it call to walk away from that person. They'll never change! they don't even know what the word boundaries mean so they are not interested in learning what boundaries are let alone respecting them! you'll forever be trying to please them, which is what I have done my whole life I'm 63 please if you're younger walk away from these people!! You're better off being completely alone! In peace! Why deal with people who will NEVER change and who will never love you!!!! You're WASTING YOUR LIFE

[@Cafeallday222]

Sure but then you’re fighting 24/7. The best solution is really to leave.

[@Fenrispro]

Exactly! I wish i dun feel anything when the fogey behave like this- taking over space too. Plus they twist the words like they make u angry but say u make them angry wtf! I make sure to shame him by telling his friends 💪 this real hypo

[@ayliea3974]

Then, one day, you slump into the sad realization that you don't really have a partner, never did have one, and never will. I am working on picking up myself and finding a direction to move forward to. It was very conforming to me to hear that these EI people are not difficult 100% of the time. Sometimes, they're actually quite pleasant. He's socially and professionally very successful. Hearing the information in this video helps me to forgive myself for staying stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship.

[@thepragmatist]

A lot of times they are socially and professionally very successful. Usually only a few people see the emotionally immature side. (eg spouses and close family members).

[@ayliea3974]

@@thepragmatist Thank you.

[@EsmereldaPea]

Brava to you! I've taken the motto "The Rest of my Life is the Best of my Life!"

[@ZFern9390]

For 20 yrs I was crippled of evolving as long as I was with my husband whom I was crazy in live and dedicated to. His siblings began telling me they see his lack of imaginative experience of others and empathy. Otherwise he functions quite fine and it was so confusing and heart wrenching to me for so long 😢. A couple years later after our divorce he still texts me asking about just weird random things even after I've asked him to not text or leave me messages because I need time to heal and I guess he thinks if he's friends with me it will heal me when actually I just need him to completely disappear, no contact at all because I'm so devastated over the loss of dreams and my home.

[@myrawest]

This is an amazing way of putting it, I'm freshly out of a relationship, and I didn't feel a sense of profound loss that I was expecting, and I realized that I didn't lose that much, he was never a partner, he was never there, we never developed that deep relationship, because he didn't want to.

[@Bergziegen35]

What I love about this video is that it's not about "narcissism", "empaths" and other diagnosis and categories that are all over the Internet.

[@mindovermatter8920]

I was going through a rough time in my life, and one my (ex) friends called me and told me that she was upset and needed my humor to make her laugh. It was a really bad time in my life, so I told her I just didn't have it in me to make anyone laugh right now. She cursed me out!!! She started screaming curse words and degrading comments at me!! I never communicated with her again, and that moment was one of my first eye opening experiences of setting boundaries. I was never taught to set boundaries, because my family wanted to manipulate and control me, so they didn't want me to learn to set boundaries. Abuse is such a vicious cycle. Emotionally immature people seem to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

You are spot-on in your observations.

[@thepragmatist]

I'm sorry this happened to you but don't take it personally. Setting boundaries is how you find out who people truly are.

[@mindovermatter8920]

Looking at the lesson learned definitely helps. A boundary between "knowing what is me, and what is actually them".@@thepragmatist

[@christinehallett3197]

lllllllllllll

[@fuzbugg]

yeah the emotionally mature just want you to play a role usually

[@thecultofculture5889]

They have no problem leaving you out, as if you don't exist. You aren't part of a team, they are somehow unaware of the notion that we need to be a team.

[@addieblanchard2228]

This really resonates 😢with me

[@saimayousuf]

These are the exact words I think of when I observe my husband’s behavior towards me and the family. Hardly any feeling of consideration that he’s part of a team

[@saggie5261]

Yes, I have constantly said over the last 20+ years. We have never been a team. It’s been you and then it’s been me and the kids. You wanted a family but you never made us a family. I’m leaving now and he’s all sad and sorry for himself, that never did anything, to make it any better. I checked out a long time ago, and was just waiting for the kids to get their licenses and start their lives. I have a good relationship with the kids so I feel confident they are well adjusted and won’t be like him.

[@thepragmatist]

What's interesting is that some very high achieving people can be emotionally immature. This becomes extremely problematic when they are your supervisor or somehow have some control over a part of your life and you can't disentangle yourself from them. The hard part is when you can't just walk away.

[@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat]

that's so true, and so frustrating! Some people abuse their power, it's a huge issue! In fact it's the same quandary children face when parented by emotionally immature adults; and really hurts their self worth, making it difficult to connect to a sense of empowerment when that behavior shows up at work (as it often does)!

[@thepragmatist]

@@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat Yes. I agree. Children face this issue frequently and they can't walk away.

[@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat]

@@thepragmatist 100%!! Then they end up trying to figure out why they feel the way they do when they're in their 40's, 50's and 60's - if they're lucky enough to recognize that something happened to them to make them feel the way they do, and it's not just a character flaw as they may perceive it to be.

[@thepragmatist]

@@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat Yes. Agreed. It's unfortunate. But parents can do a lot of damage.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

So unfortunate, and so true.@@thepragmatist

[@TakeTheRide]

My mom does the same thing. She's the white glove housekeeper, homemaker, didn't work outside of the home. She's now 92. Fifteen years ago when I stayed with her during a surgery, she's shorter now and I noticed her oven vent on top was dusty, so I wiped it off. She walked into the kitchen and caught me doing it. Her response? So now I can't clean things good enough for you either. Instead of just saying thank you. 😮 Why was I surprised. I get so tired of hearing "you think I'm a horrible mom, I can't do anything right, I can't breathe right for you". Whoa! I don't even think that way! She went through this period after my dad died in 2002, when she started heavily sighing with every breath. I call it "a sigh of discontentment". I understand grief. (She had a great marriage for 50 years; my fiance died before our wedding, but she doesn't believe I should still feel grief because we were only together for one year, unlike her marriage.) Moms sighing was so heavy. I tried to call this to her attention in a nice way, as I didn't think that she realized she was doing it... but that turned into 4months AGAIN of her not saying anything to me but "nope or yep". 😢 I'm tired of being the one trying to communicate with her; it's exhausting. She's now 92 and I'm losing time with her. That makes me sad. I offered to go to therapy with her, to see a counselor at a church of her choosing and she said, I don't believe in that psychobabble psychology stuff. I just wanted to improve our relationship; I wanted to help my mom figure out how to be happy. She's told me recently that she's not content. (I already knew this.) Everyone walks on eggshells around her. She refuses to look within, which is what makes me want to dissect myself constantly. I now have Dissection OCD. 😂 Update 2024: My dream of being married to the man that I still Love & living with him at 9700 ft in the mountains of Colorado, died. I bought some land & a small cabin in the western Carolinas and moved away from the Texas heat & drought, the big city of Austin and further away from my mom. Now she wants me to give up my cabin and move back to TX. I'm not doing that. She didn't appreciate the thousands of drives I made 3.5 hours each way, to see her, when I was closer. I love it here, it's so peaceful; it's cooler and it rains more. I have the sweetest dog and cat. This isn't the Rocky mountains of Colorado, yet the Blue Ridge mountains are beautiful in their own rite. Yes, change can be scary, but scary is usually fleeting. I think I went through all that, because I had valuable lessons to learn. I'm content; I'm happy here. ❤

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

I have this same mother and it's impossible to deal with her. I had to give up. I told her my boundaries and expectations to move forward with a relationship but she won't even meet me half way. I'm protecting my peace and she's invited to join me but she is not seeking peace. I wish you love and peace on your journey.

[@TakeTheRide]

@@rebeccajohnson7864 I'm sorry you're having to go through that too. I wish you love in peace as well. I think we all deserve that. I've told my mom I wish you would call me sometimes but she doesn't. She hung up on me one day and I waited for 2 months and I finally give in and called her. All I heard was oh yeah I'm such a bad mom. Sometimes you just get tired of trying when somebody won't try back. What makes it hard is that this is our "moms". I always thought that's the one person I should be the most connected with, even if my brother and I were adopted. The blood DNA Factor doesn't seem to have anything to do it either.

[@goodvibrations9073]

🙌

[@sherij9847]

Very Good, establishing boundaries and prioritizing your peace of mind😊Self Love!💕

[@Susan-ex4mq]

When was the original post?

[@punnypuns5103]

What I hate the most is when they ask you a question and interrupt to hone in something trivial to correct you, dominate the convo, talk about themselves and don’t even notice what they are doing. It’s so exhausting. You asked me a question and I’m answering so don’t ask if you are more interested in hearing your own voice.

[@rhythmandblues_alibi]

This. I have a person in my life who will bail me up talking about themselves for literally hours, stuff no one except them and maybe their partner/immediate family would care about. It is so rude but because she owns the property I rent I felt I had to put up with it. I'm now leaving after nearly two years and at first I felt jubilant but now the guilt is setting in 😓 Did I do the wrong thing? Am I the arsehole? As a people pleaser, it's hard to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

[@lillie3289]

​@@rhythmandblues_alibi you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. We people pleasers have a hard time do that but you need to protect yourself and put yourself first

[@christinerene9351]

This exactly describes a toxic coworker at meetings. I realize that she is only interested in getting her “fix” because 10:09 is so attention starved. Akin to a feral cat. I realize that she is manipulating the circumstances to get her way and she just wants to waste time. I don’t deal with her unless I have to, she is never wrong and delusional. She will never come around to reality, she will stay on the merry go round of disconnectivity.

[@tulsibloom]

💯

[@CamilaPradaTV]

They actually ask YOU a question? I’m impressed. 😂 (I’m used to being just talked over)

[@TP-jt2cm]

If communication is generally frustrating, if you don’t feel understood or unable to establish some upper level of closeness, don’t second guess your self by trying, trying and trying.

[@alisonkutchma1763]

Totally agree.

[@kremzupa_69]

Thank you

[@elizabethash4720]

Absolutely true. The person who seeks connection is left to suffer in silence. Its taken for granted they can handle it because of their maturity and they feel no one has their back.Seeking authentic, emotionally, mature people is healthy and the best way to go.

[@christyannceraso]

Emotional immaturity is the root of narcissism. It’s a matter of degree.

[@Hayes2703]

Absolutely true.

[@ursularothamel8283]

It's exactly that

[@pattitorres4343]

That's a great statement! Makes alot of sense

[@EnzoIsabella]

Yes it is.

[@katiemiller4187]

Yep

[@lynndupree1205]

I raised a child with my ex-husband who is an alcoholic narcissist. At the time I permitted myself to be dominated and disrespected by him; and through that example the child learned to disrespect me too. As an adult she has no concept of appropriate interactions with me. She makes unreasonable demands, and has tantrums if I don't deliver, exactly as she was taught to do by my ex. Eventually I had to "divorce" her too, in order to take care of myself, since her treatment was abusive to me. Ironic that I tolerated her father's behavior because I wanted to stay with him "for the sake of the child." We created another narcissist in the world. Lesson: staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of a child is always a mistake.

[@whitneyanders5945]

Yes, yes it is. Never allow children to grow up in abusive and dysfunctional environments. The effects can be devastating. Sorry you raised a carbon copy of a terrible person. It must be heartbreaking

[@lynndupree1205]

@renb99999 Contrary to popular psycho-speak, I refuse to accept blame for "my part" in my abusive marriage. I was tricked into the marriage by a cunning, smart, narcissist. I was young, and idealistic, and sincerely wanted the marriage to work out. It wasn't until much later that I was able to figure out his game, and to understand that he was an alcoholic. I had never been exposed to it before. It took incredible courage to leave him, and I am extremely proud that I was able to do it. I have worked very hard in therapy. And the most important thing I have learned is, I genuinely love myself and treat myself well. And I avoid people who do not cherish my friendship and treat me well. Sorry, I don't accept blame when I did nothing wrong.

[@lynndupree1205]

@renb99999 Nope. Not buying into self blame. It took incredible courage to leave him, and I am extremely proud of doing it. I have worked very hard in therapy. I avoid people who don't truly appreciate me and cherish our friendship. Sorry. Not accepting blame where I did nothing wrong. I'm only telling my story in an effort to help others who may be raising a child in similar circumstances. Get out as soon as you can do it, and never, ever blame yourself!

[@renb99999]

@@lynndupree1205 there’s a big difference between self blame and self reflection. You can reflect and learn from your experiences without blaming anyone.

[@lynndupree1205]

@renb99999 You said I am "not absolved from my sins." That quote is the very definition of blame! Check your language before you speak. I did the self reflection in therapy, and learned the only thing I was "guilty" of was being young, naive, and idealistic, as all young people are to some extent. The narcissist can sense a victim, especially if he is a little older and more experienced. I offer my story only to help others. Trying too hard to provide an intact, two parent home to a child is admirable in a way. But in the end it's not the right thing to do because as I pointed out, the child learns the wrong lesson. I hope this helps someone!

[@margierogers4909]

It's very difficult to detach from an emotionally immature person in a relationship.

[@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat]

Agreed! It's not easy and they can make it extremely difficult and even unsafe to do so.

[@thepragmatist]

Agreed.

[@angelaressner4892]

After 23 years of trying to figure out what was wrong with my soon-to-be ex husband, I'm giving up because I don't think he'll ever change no matter what kind of therapy. That's IF he'd ever admit to being an emotionally immature narcissist. Fat chance!

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I agree. Unlike protecting oneself from a child who is having a tantrum, having to protect oneself from a irrationally angry immature person can be dangerous -- legally, socially, physically, and very exhausting emotionally.

[@thepragmatist]

@@mvbigmagic4048 Completely agree.

[@sashad.7722]

99% resonates with me. I was depressed because I tried hard to change myself, to be less sensitive, etc. I thought I was the problem, the complicated one.

[@shirleyfrost9909]

We, the "sensitive ones" are blessed. Don't change yourself, just be around those who appreciate your caring soul. My Narc mother destroyed all that I was. when she died 20 years ago, I felt great relief, but still working to find self worth and happiness.

[@janiemiller825]

Only thing you need to change is setting stronger boundaries from these EIP types 😉

[@barbaraweatherman5340]

​@@shirleyfrost9909I was also immensely relieved when my Mother died.

[@katisearles3465]

Me, too! I don’t feel good enough or smart enough to even converse with this person and it turns out he doesn’t have the capacity to speak with me. He knows everything about me and just wants me to basically change the way I think, feel, and act. I’m 59, compassionate, and know my assets, and faults but I’m always working on myself. I am sad because I love this person but I am letting him go.

[@Benjaminleo815]

Same here.

[@alannaconnolly7224]

People know who they are, they don’t care. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

[@stygiantwst]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[@christosegkos]

I am 40 years old, and I have been in therapy for almost 12 years now. Reading Dr. Gibson's book opened my eyes and answered questions that therapy has failed to do so. I'm grateful I discovered her work, and I firmly believe that her book needs to be read by people in therapy or not, regardless. I grew up in a highly toxic household with narcissistic caregivers and avoidant. The level of damage I endured at such a tender age was severe, and it still impacts me to this day. The level of work to rewire my brain and change cognitive patterns and dynamics feels like a full-time job. One thing that makes it better is channels like this, where emotional awareness is being spread, and there is a sense of togetherness as a collective. Healing is more challenging when you are alone, but when you feel you belong in a group of people who understand you, it fosters a spiritual experience. Thank you for this channel and the work you are doing, I feel all the people in the comment section, and I have a special kind of love and empathy for you all.

[@janiemiller825]

Unfortunately most therapist haven’t been very helpful.. I get more help & healing ❤️‍🩹 from books 📚 & positive youtube videos such as this one…

[@franzi6823]

❤🪷 thank you for sharing your Journey and insights and kind regards of all the people here. Hope you are proud of your efforts to keep on your healing journey ❤

[@avaquam3857]

You are never alone, even though we often have felt that way. And you can heal your wounds ❤🙏

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

while this is a kind sentiment, it's an oversimplification when we are alone on the day to day and the big picture. Yes, healing is possible, and channels like this are helping but we still need the hug and in person support. @@avaquam3857

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

I'm not much ahead of you in years (45), and finally entered deep healing in 2020 when I (nurse) was killed by healthcare's neglect and gaslighting, which got me the diagnose by a ptsd therapist I was told to see because I said "I'm alone here and I can't do this on my own" meaning physically....stroke, lost vision, couldn't stand with out passing out, concussions, etc and because I was "positive" for 4 months, during the early plandemic (this month, 4 years ago), the political health "police," wouldn't let me get healthcare and the hospital booted me since I refused the vent, which refusing saved my life -- all that trauma in my childhood helped me save my own life from the abuse in my adulthood...joy from pain, like Jesus's cross and the crown -- HE has saved me from myself, so many times

[@catherineracicot]

"If a person wants to understand what you are saying it doesn't matter how you say it. If a person doesn't want to understand what you are saying it also doesn't matter how you say it. " - love that. Thank you!

[@edwong4178]

As someone who had severe anxious attachment, I was explaining to an avoidant friend how my parents contributed to it, as a way of alluding to how his own parents contributed to his avoidant attachment. He simply said to me, “Just get over it”. So I asked him what he was doing to get over his avoidant attachment; he was immediately offended and became extremely defensive. At least with anxiously attached people, while we don’t always succeed in emotional regulation, we don’t avoid our emotions and can thereby self-reflect and improve, unlike those who avoid.

[@wk8000]

My MIL is like this And I remember hearing years ago that she doesn’t want to understand your feelings or thoughts because she’d have to acknowledge that she hurt them and she’d have to change her ways. They don’t want to change! They don’t want you to have feelings or your own ideas. They are extremely selfish.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

your husband sought to marry (subconsciously) ..his mother. It's how it goes.

[@kateashby3066]

Damn. BINGO!! They prefer to live with their head in the sand. This is why I went from dancing around the problem to being BLUNT with my mom. I told her “I feel you’re emotionally unavailable and here is why. Then I listed like 3 HUGE choices she’s made in her life and how she is still acting like this today by rejecting me when I’m hurting and need comfort. 1) she abandoned her first born when he was 2. 2) she bought me cigarettes every week starting at age 13. 3) she allowed me to sleep at grown Mens (late 20’s) houses when I was 14!! It didn’t end well for me. Guess what she said after I sent this letter? That I am “cruel”. Cruel for holding up a mirror to her behavior and explaining how it’s caused me severe trauma. She made HERSELF the victim!

[@duromusabc]

Emotionally immature people lack emotional empathy and compassionate empathy (both are deep intimate imaginative empathy that requires “touchy feely” heart connections and self reflection “to go inside” ) BUT they have lots of cognitive empathy (a superficial intellectual empathy that is manipulative for control, dominance, superiority, power, and arrogant selfishness) That’s why the interactions they have with people is transactional and functional for the benefit of the emotionally immature person aka the narcissist

[@Fenrispro]

I Hate this abt such!

[@kateashby3066]

Not understanding this is why I always thought my mom was an empath!! I JUST (at age 44) I elapsed she’s totally emotionally unavailable and that empathy I thought I saw is 1) only for animals and 2) if it’s towards people it’s actually not empathy but self-pity projected outwards. For example, my mom resents ppl who commit sui cide. I always assumed this was because it leaves a wave of pain behind to everyone who cared about them. Nope- it makes HER feel uncomfortable and therefore it’s bad. It always comes back to HER. Similarly she hates ppl who are cruel to animals (I understand that), but only because animals have never disappointed HER. She doesn’t have much to say about humans who are mistreated. Meanwhile she made her 2 dachshunds morbidly obese because she doesn’t like boundaries. She gives them treats and they give her unconditional love. 🤦🏻‍♀️. Easy, no conflict, and 2 dogs that end up paralyzed and sick because she only cares about herself.

[@s1n4m1n]

Other way around.

[@Autisticheather]

OH. MY. GOD!!!! this IS my MOTHER!!! this made me feel so validated in my perception of her. They are also VERY skilled manipulators and gaslighters! I am just learning myself at age 53 to separate from her vastly innacurate perception of me, and find out who i really am outside of her definition of me. And she has ABSOLUTELY ZERO interest in anything important i have to say, but expects me to listen endlessly to her meaningless chatter. Constantly bringing the conversation back to her. Makes up her memories of things, completely defensive and unable to ever admit wrongdoing or apologizing... at the very most saying she's a terrible person ecetera! Thank you for showing my i am not in the twilight zone

[@brettmmontague]

When i realized i wasn't the problem, i was in fact the only adult in my whole family 10+ people, it blew my mind. Its maddening dealing with grown adults that act like 4 year olds. Highly recommend her book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents"

[@QuirkyQubits]

Learn to be happy in your own company , if any one comes along its a blessing if not you are ok eaither way. We come along and leave along ... so whats the fear to be alone?

[@Ishtar2419]

Once asked my ex emotionally immature narc “what do I need to do to make you happy” he went on and on about what he needed. I then asked him if he was going to ask me the same question and he went deaf, dumb and blind and sat there refusing to ask. It was so emotionally devastating. It was like a little stubborn child refusing to talk. They really are damaging to other people!

[@dorasneddon774]

Giving up the hope that an emotionally immature person who resists self-reflection will be willing to connect deeply is a painful first step for me. The next step is to detach and separate from their imposed image of who I am and not live within the confines of their paradigm. It really resonates, the difficulty in setting and holding boundaries with these people, protecting time and energies, forging a new path without their approval. I look forward to reading Lindsay's new book.

[@kateashby3066]

You’re literally grieving someone like a de@th but they’re still alive. The process and pain is the same!

[@jp5419]

The hardest is raising a child with a person like such. Watching them interact inappropriately with child is so difficult. And they’re clueless. No clue that they are modeling inappropriate behavior as a father to child. Stomach turning really. I make a point of calling out healthy masculine energy and behavior when we see it. In films. Parents of friends. Teachers. Martial arts instructor. It’s the only way I feel I can save him from learning his father’s immature issue. My father was an alcoholic and I can see how this set me up to marrying a dysfunctional, immature, married to mom, manipulated and controlled by his father (money), and zero ability for connection, intimacy, and my needs are never acknowledged or attempted. At this stage, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and see how I arrived here, and focus on raising my child the best I can. Even though I get criticized for holding my child accountable and give him responsibilities like chores, etc. to help him mature.😊

[@ayliea3974]

Your experience mirrors my own. Best wishes to you ❤️

[@christystearns36]

I feel this from my own life

[@hollylewis3898]

I’m going thru the same thing, my child is a girl though, so although I don’t talk badly about her father, I do have to remind her that his behavior isn’t okay and that she deserves better treatment. It’s a difficult balance.

[@jennifergraham3447]

I have similar issues. And I think holding your child accountable and making sure that they are not entitled are things. I think it’s really important how it’s done tho…bc a dominated man or unhealthy man doesn’t necessarily ignite inspiration..children need inspiration to be better not necessarily someone scolding them all the time and making them feel they are doing everything wrong. They also need to be made aware thru their “own” choice of how they are feeling. But they need inspiration.

[@juliedoyle8115]

Oh gosh I'm here too. It's quite heartbreaking 💔

[@tamara0707]

This information is a godsend. This morning I journaled on my grief, grief from all the family and friends I can no longer accommodate due to their emotional emptiness, narcissism, lack of empathy and, mostly, the realization that they never really cared about me. I recognize the pain in the commentator’s eyes. I was raised in a loveless family, married and divorced (after 25 years) an emotionally immature man. I broke it off with several friends last year-they have no idea why even though I explained. It’s been a lonely time, but I did the best thing for me. I wonder, if I will ever know an emotionally mature friendship and/or partner. Thank you for this video!

[@shirleyfrost9909]

I want to be strong like you We don't have to explain why we're breaking with these people. They wouldn't understand anyway. The healthy ones will appear when all the selfish ones disappear. I'm working towards healthy, loving relationships. I spend my hours with books, animals, healthy eating, walking and feeling so much better.

[@mandy4786]

I just wish that somehow we could find eachother. Those of us on here are so isolated with our connection loss. But i do feel that we will all come together when the dark world reaches it end. ❤

[@catherinerogers6768]

I’m in a similar situation. 25 year marriage is over and several long-term relationships ended. It’s a bit lonely as I reconnect and try to recover. I do look forward to healthier relationships after I heal.

[@sara.e.1111]

I'm in a Very similar situation also and it's torture to my soul trying to keep the relationship going but I love my husband and feel bad that he seems unable to form a true connection with me. I spend much of my time self isolating. You are all an inspiration and I believe we will all make connections with authentic people soon 🙏❤

[@lynny5510]

My parents, especially my mother is full blown emotionally immature. I am 56 and she is 76. When I was a small child she would say to me very smug to grow up. However she has always been allowed to act like a 4 yr old and she gets worse as she ages. My father excuses her behavior and we are to all accommodate her every whim. If we don't the tantrums will follow. I am stuck living with them at this time due to my husband of 34 yrs passing away recently. It is so unbearable that I am working very hard to be able to move a soon as possible.

[@ClaireL77777]

It's shocking to watch this behaviour. Take good care of yourself and know this is not your fault ❤

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

Find your own space in the home where you can go and close the door...find your peace...preferably far away....a place of quiet refuge! Stay strong...praying you have a good friend (woman) you can talk with, have lunch etc. that understands this NPD ...and is there to encourage you! One loyal friend is worth more than a thousand relatives!!!!! Create a vision board...to place inspiring quotes...images of your future...etc. Key is staying hopeful and positive! ⚘

[@LN-jr6nj]

Similar experience ❤

[@song8777]

I understand.

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

3 words: 350.00. Bose. Noise-canceling headphones! Worth 50 TIMES the money! Saved sanity a billion times.

[@vickieellis6876]

Omg ! This is exactly what I am dealing with . No empathy, so cold. Takes no accountability for anything, turns it around on you. Controlling. Has no self reflection. If you try to talk about the problems and issues, completely shuts down. No ability to love anyone. He makes excuses for not doing what he said he was going to do. I call it a personality disorder. I could go on and on!! This show is amazing! My life is aweful. Lies about nothing and everything. Done horrible things to distroy our marriage. Affair, held my money so I cant leave. 😢

[@tashaanderson1449]

Same here

[@sheena9090]

So sorry 😢

[@anncook4688]

Wow I can relate. You mirrored my life. Sigh...😢

[@lisacraig7295]

Same here 14 yrs. Down the drain !!

[@Titpomderen8]

Same here...😢 We need to make plans to leave!!!!!!

[@suzannecrone5897]

To say that this resonated with me is an understatement. THIS RESONATED, RESONATED, RESONATED!

[@zeebaza2329]

Wow - this explains so much about my last relationship! It’s like you’re describing him - I was infatuated with him at first, but started to notice his lack of empathy as the relationship progressed. It didn’t feel malicious, but he would state his opinions in a factual manner, saying he “didn’t care” about what was happening in the world, because his heart wasn’t big enough to care about anyone outside of his immediate circle. He also randomly observed that he had “an aversion” to poor people. It was shocking and hurtful to see how little he cared about others, especially because I had lived through a civil war and had seen so much suffering. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t care about other people’s pain, and never once cared enough, even months into our relationship, to ask about my experiences or to offer any kind of emotional support. I felt so lonely in the relationship. I get it now - he was an emotionally immature man who couldn’t offer any level of emotional companionship or support. Thank you for explaining all of this and for giving us clarity about some of the people in our lives.

[@janiemiller825]

He sounds like a narcissist hunny. 😮

[@sambunch2399]

ASD perhaps?

[@zeebaza2329]

@@sambunch2399 That’s a possibility, especially since his brother was on the spectrum.

[@imago9059]

Example of lack of emotional maturity: when the other person takes every interaction as a game that has to be won. Sadly, they admit some things but won't change. Almost like a brag. I would describe them as "no one is home".

[@SPQRrc]

Talking with them and trying to explain yourself is like hitting your head on the wall over and over again..... there's no soul inside.... they are a shell of themselves

[@PhuongTran-jq8hp]

this is the most difficult thing and so when I am about to approach them to discuss something my anxiety level is out of control only because I fear having to talk to them about anything

[@b.t.734]

I grew up with the sense that I didnt exist. Now I know why that was. You are describing my mother to perfection.

[@fuzbugg]

Yes the sense that I didn't exist! this is exactly my biggest trauma and something I am climbing out of little by little

[@b.t.734]

@@fuzbuggThanks for sharing. Sometimes, I say my mane, so as to know, I am there.

[@Jennith777]

Yes, or rather that she would prefer I didn’t exist 😶‍🌫️

[@EsmereldaPea]

This is my whole immediate family and I've just recently recognized this and how damaging their gaslighting has been and how I internalized their negativity towards me. After intensive therapy and an ADHD Dx at 60, I'm coming into myself. I think I understand why my brothers may have developed this way due to some childhood trauma we all shared, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate their behavior toward me and I am standing up for myself more.

[@maggiemay8622]

Exactly, sometimes we need to distance ourselves from them to keep your sanity.

[@heidipurcell7606]

62 years old grew up with immature parents. I am still working on how to give myself self care and recovering from this trauma. I just ordered Dr Lindsey’s book . I read her first book and loved it. So glad I found this video.

[@MemeLynn69]

My Narc always said, "I'm just a really big child"! GREAT, Who wants a 6'2 manbaby? Not me!!

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

sadly you did, because pathology seeks pathology..none of us are perfect. We are all trauma bonded until we figure this out and get healthy. I subconsciously feared marriage because I was afraid of being alone together in my marriage, ike I was in my family. I could't bear one more abuse and gaslighting, gang style bullying and no defense. I defended myself, but I don't want to do that anymore. I deserve what I give....period.

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

laura, i absolutely loved and resonated deeply with your recap of dr gibson’s final words: “the way the relationship is with someone who’s emotionally immature is that they’re taking up all the space in the relationship and there’s really no space for you to be you, and that to disentangle is to allow for space where you get to be you, and then you can decide how you want to be in relationship with them.”

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

thanks so much! I'm happy that resonated with you!

[@juliallorente2719]

My exboyfried had an abusive family, then he had to be like that. It was so sad to let him go. He had sooo many beautiful treats and was sooo beautiful himself. But he was not able to access love.

[@awsambdaman]

That’s sad

[@Revengestar]

This video IS MY FATHER. He seriously thinks he knows everything about everything in life. You failed? You feel unhappy? You got sick? It's 100% your fault, because if you had just listened to him telling you who you should be, none of that would have happened. I was diagnosed with a life threatening autoimmune illness last year (product of extreme childhood abuse) and 2 days after my diagnosis when I told him I don't want to talk to him on the phone because I am exhausted and still in the hospital, he accused me of using my illness for attention. *facepalm*

[@Timmsy]

Sorry you've had this horrible...and exhausting experience. I sure couldn't handle behaviour like that in my life anymore. It's so freeing!! Living without that stress has helped me to enjoy life and relax ..and please myself without negative input. Wishing you all the best 🙏💙

[@CarolynWilliams-fk6ep]

Yes,it annoyed him he would literally ask me why i was talking about it because he already knows. I would spend 45 minutes extracting a reciprocal response. Then within 30seconds the man would throw yet another remark and the cycle would repeat ...it was exhausting to the point of me ending the relationship . I realized that all.of my energy was spent on the neverending chaos and i had not achieved any of my personal goals in life and it was the most miserable life i was no longer willing to participate in. I learned a very valuable lesson. a 50 year old man can have the emotional intelligence of a child of 5 years of age. #lesson learned

[@michelepascoe6068]

They seem to have some understanding of the pain and confusion they cause, because they get pleasure from it and have a different story for everyone, so they know they're are being dishonest and messing with you.

[@kateashby3066]

SOME are sadistic but not all. My dad was sadistic but he still denied the REALLY bad abuse because he knew that he went too far. For example, when I was 7 he beat the sht out of me for telling my sister that my teacher scared me. He THOUGHT I called her a wh0re but what I actually said was “horror” because 7 year olds don’t have the best grammar. He hit me so hard I flew across the room and came falling down on a table. He was shocked and forced me to cuddle HIM after to make HIM feel better about what HE did. When I confronted him about this at age 15 he revised history and said I used the word “hoe” and then refused to discuss it further. I didn’t know either of those words at age 7. It didn’t happen like that. He was ashamed of what he did and couldn’t admit it. My dad was a self righteous narcissist tho- not your typical “I do whatever I want” narc.

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@kateashby3066 I am sorry you have been physically abused. I hope you can keep yourself safe. I found the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft helpful. Also, Dr Les Carter's channel. Has your mother protected you from your dad's violence? If not, read Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward. Helps process and find way forward. You deserve to have been loved and cared for. Best, truest love I have found in life is Jesus/Yeshua. He knows and cares. Courage and wisdom to you.

[@EllieM_Travels]

This really explains things well! I had to let a guy go who refused to connect on any level beyond physical attraction. I’m a deeper person than that, wanting depth to my relationships. It just wasn’t going to work.

[@FranklovesBunnies]

Wow thank you I always wondered why they kept dismissing what I said and never felt like they were listening. It makes sense they are like children they don’t have the capacity to understand how what they do might affect someone else.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you both so much for this insightful, encouraging conversation. I was especially moved and even amazed by the part about the plight of a child of an EIP, ie, a child who keeps seeking to simply be part of a less than superficial conversation with the other person. My mom (who had many good qualities along with her emotional immaturity) told me several times after I grew up that when I was small I used to follow her around the house talking to her nonstop, and she let me know She felt I was bothersome in this way, and kind of extreme. After I grew up she would tell me this story like she thought it was funny, and for years I would laugh obediently, while feeling shame so strong I was afraid to feel it very much. Today when I listened the part of your conversation on how it can be like beating your head against the wall to try to connect with an EIP at a deeper level, the light bulb went on in my soul. Like, Oh! Wow! I really wasn't a bizarre, bothersome child when I was 3 and 4 years old, following my mother around talking. I just wanted to talk with her in a deeper, more mutually satisfying way than she was able to provide. Phheew!

[@di_decaire]

After having 3 boys my mom had me, a first daughter. In front of me she complained about how girls are so difficult compared to boys. She adored her sons. Then the 3 brothers were free to be mean to me. I got out of there right after turning 18. Now I moved far away from all of them.

[@lovesings2us]

@@di_decaire I'm so sorry you went through that. But good for you for leaving that place at 18! I, the youngest and only girl child in my family, went thru a similar pattern with my mother who gave greatly preferential treatment to my brothers. One of them, who bullied me from childhood on, is a now malignant narcissist. 99% of the time, when either or both of my brothers bullied me, from childhood into adulthood, I'd get blamed and emotionally punished by my mother who, like your mother, adored her sons. Adored is just the right word. I moved out decades ago but while my mother died last year, I can't totally escape the toxicity from my brothers. I wonder how many of us there might be in the world, for whom parental preference for boys played a signficant part in the abuse we've gone through. I would guess, a lot. Not that men and boys don't have it bad too, sometimes, in different ways.

[@michellecardenas6072]

You my dear were just a light at the end of the tunnel trying to shine bright enough for your mother to see your glow of existance. She just never wanted out of the tunnel. Instead she would rather you remain in the dark w her. It seems she is now trying to cast a shadow on your light just SO SHE can feel comfortable in her darkness while your around. You are the power she cannot control. So keep shining bright. It's the positive light power that will bring you happiness NOT the dark.❤God bless

[@michellecardenas6072]

​@@lovesings2usyour mother's EI made her jealous and insecure of you cuz you were competition in her eyes instead of an allie. Just keep working on yourself . Knowing is half the battle. God blesss❤

[@user-oc3lc1sx8m]

Smashing your head against a wall is exactly how it feels after trying to connect with someone who is emotionally immature. It’s so FRUSTRATING!

[@judypergolese515]

Thank you so much for video. I have a friend who’s emotionally immature and very narcissistic. She doesn’t let me speak. Only a one sided conversation. And yes it’s abusive. And very abusive. Yes she apologizes but continues the abusive behavior. Now I’m not able to speak because I had a stroke. And she doesn’t care or understand that I get tired of being on the phone with her abusive and disrespectful conversation towards me. So we decided to communicate only through emails. I really needed to hear this video to feel validated on the way I knew to be true. Now with the emails, I don’t have to be abused. I don’t have to respond or visit or have contact with this person. Thank you so much for having this very needed video. ❤

[@ClaireL77777]

My mother shows empathy to others but shockingly not to me. Been through some traumatic events and she is very flippant with her thoughts on my circumstances or does not mention these at all. This lack of empathy and doing and saying things has caused increased pain, so I've not dealt with my other problems causing me to become more and more isolated. Some days I don't know how I put one foot in front of the other.

[@aurelia5614]

My mother could only show empathy to people who were similar to herself or who could be a parental figure to her. If you were too much like her, she could possibly 'not see you' because you were psychologically inseparable from her. Alternatively, if you were quite unlike her, perhaps she could not recognise or see your need for empathy because of her own emotional immaturity. She was not able to detect it or know what to do about it or even think it was her responsibility as a mother.

[@classicalperformances8777]

Get out now. Now. Better invest a year 9f your life rebuilding it than get a stroke, heart attack or cancer. I speak of experience.

[@doloresrobertson7265]

As a 64 year old scapegoat daughter of a covert narcissist mother, I can relate.

[@robinwatkins8528]

After twenty years, it finally makes sense. My ex was intelligent and successful, so I always thought that I was seeing everything all wrong.

[@margaretqueenofscots9450]

When you Google, why do I feel like I’m losing my mind, the top hit says something like, You may be a victim of gaslighting. That was such a 💡

[@lindaerdey3887]

Omg I have three of them. Husband, daughter, and son! It will take dying to get it done! One day after I am gone and it is too late, they will get it! Thank God I am a very strong women.

[@nl2766]

I thought i was going to fit into this profile, and confirm what an irritating, and frustrating pest i am to my husband, but you are describing him! He is extremely bright and logical, but the rest it is just as you described it. 😢

[@TiffyCorbin]

All of this just reminds me of either a sociopathic person or a narcissistic person. My spouse has antisocial personality disorder and I truly feel sometimes that I’m either arguing or talking to a very bitter, woman hating, toddler. He has no self control, he has no wider range of emotions aside from anger and fake sadness, he has no ability to look at anything from anyone else’s perspective. I was so confused when we first met because he would swear every time I cried that I was faking. I didn’t understand why until after I married him and discovered all of his own cries are fake. No tears and if he can muster them up then you’re in for the worse guilt trip in the world. He will wait for me to spill my heart to him and be so completely hurt about something only to turn around and pretty much verbatim repeat that same thing to me a few days later but from his own perspective and act like he’s the only one who ever said it or felt it. I got to this video because I am looking for ways to bring up sensitive issues to him without him immediately blowing up or feeling attacked. This really isn’t helping that in any way and it’s also so far nothing that the title says it is either.

[@imago9059]

If your significant other has Aspd this definitely is not the solution for you. Aspd has the lowest rates of success in therapy because of shallow affect and lack of empathy. You might want to look for a therapist for yourself.

[@imago9059]

Also, this mostly applies to stunted emotional growth of NPD and BPD. Definitely not Aspd.

[@Chiquepeace]

@37 min. that is life-changing information!! That our job is just to express the boundary, not make them get it/respect it etc. And that if a person wants to understand us, doesn't matter how skillfully or not we say it; and if a person doesn't want to understand, doesn't matter how skillfully we say it. Wow, what a shift in perspective, very freeing! thank-you for this conversation, really enlightening.

[@torriepenney936]

Here is the kicker..when a child believes they know what having boundaries means. The discourse on the topic is not necessarily objective. So parents can be viewed as a threat to them ..."bothering the child with information" that is about being a person..understanding relating and how that can assist them in outcomes of life.

[@margierogers4909]

I broke off my relationship and he hugely over reacted and I received such a terrible backlash for several months. I had no second thoughts. He saw it as a rejection and became really angry.

[@LauraReaganLCSWCTherapyChat]

Yes, this is a common reaction when we set boundaries with people who are emotionally immature. I'm so sorry you went through that! It was brave to set the boundary. Sometimes people can't escape from people who behave abusively.

[@healerscreek]

He proved you were right!

[@theartzscientist8012]

Emotionally immature people take our mind off our own goals with God.

[@amberv4223]

Absolutely fascinating. This is my mother. And subsequently many men I chose while in my codependent state. Thank you.

[@happydays3678]

My mother, sister and husband all fit into this category of being emotionally immature. Dealing with this all my life has been exhausting. 😢

[@martanieradka4675]

My grandma, a war survivor, left home early spent early years working then had to hide to survive. She was raising me and it was wonderful at time and terrible at other times. She would be offended by a slight criticism even of a child who didn’t like the table cloth, she would immediately get violent, be cursing, shutting doors and staying in her room for days not speaking, she would not look at me if we passed each other on the street unless some neighbor was looking, then she would suddenly pretend to be as if nothing happened. I don’t remember a single Christmas time or birthdays when the house would be cheerful and at peace and everyone would sit at the table and enjoy time together. Usually in the course of preparation a quarrel would break out she would stay in her room for days afterwards, my mom would hide her nose in the newspaper and I was left unattended. At some point I hated both of them. Although I know why she was like it, I am angry I had to go through it, I am angry there was no mature adult to shield me from this! Some people should never have kids or be around kids. If I tell my mother she wasn’t there for me, she was always silent and not present, spent time on watching tv she would always find an excuse, that she was tired or that I was a stubborn child. Both of them had no ability to self-reflect, only if it someone was watching then they knew they can’t afford their idiotic behavior. I felt so alone in my childhood, there was no one to sand behind me in a difficult time.

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I'm so sorry you went through this! This is an example of how trauma is passed down through generations. There are some great books about this. Two I recommend are Emotional Inheritance by Dr. Galit Atlas, and How to Break the Cycle by Dr. Mariel Buque. Depending on which resonates with you more, they can both be really helpful. Wishing you the best!

[@user-cv2nr9jy4z]

I went through a similar situation. Focus on enjoying the rest of your life. Think of the positive. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

[@CB19087]

My most recent love interest dumped me via text because I was 'too emotionally demanding'. This was because I wouldn't do as I was told. I was trying to open dialogue where we both felt heard 🤷‍♀️ she wanted a relationship without communication, just orders, but not my orders 😂

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

So sorry you went through that. You have the right to ask for what you need, and to be treated with respect.

[@therocknrollcook]

I had the male version of this. Stay strong ❤

[@GabriellaCulpepper]

Yeah no thanks 🙏🏼 😅

[@lmansur1000]

Very helpful! Thank you both Hostess and Professional Guest. I left my whole tribe of my past in my thirties and ventured. on my own to find my way. It was extremely challenging but in the end worth it for I found out who I am and it is an unfolding process. I live mostly in solitude since retirement as most people are not doing the "personal growth" work". There is a thin line between being a good listener and allowing oneself to be used. I work on that and make decisions based on that. My tendency is wanting to help people heal and transform, if they are open. The important part for me is to make sure that love and connection stays within me even though I may decide to let go of the person. It is not easy in the beginning - and if stuff does come up for me - I look at it, embrace and heal it so that like Dr. Lindsay said, I am not reactive or even judgmental in the detachment process. Stuff does come up for me - whether anger, hurt or any form of taking it personally and via my studies and work on myself overtime, I work through all that. I do my best not to get entangled emotionally because I was, in my younger days, emotionally immature. In fact I was a basket case and it is definitely due to my parents but I have made peace through healing and understanding and appreciating their journeys. Luckily I never got married or had children and that was the preventive way, in the beginning of dealing with it. I've come a long way but struggle re how to salvage relationships with others who are EIP and are not open to the work. Mainly I do not engage. Becoming aware of that brings up my contemplative part in figuring out how to proceed. It is sad for me, because on some level it feels lonely. BUT I am learning to get over it... and I do contemplate and work through my inner world to look at all aspects to know what to do and also to become more aware of more growth options - re healthy detachment with no poison. Final note: spirituality of some kind that resonates with a person, I feel, goes hand in hand with Personal growth journey. ALSO, for those of us "doing the work" we become life long learners which is really enjoyable! Thank you!

[@Klein101]

Theres a close connection to narcissistic personality traits for people that are emotionally immature... which makes sense because i think the narcissists emotional age is arrested at the age they are abused at. Fascinating connection.

[@shellbell8062]

I feel so seen! All my life my mother has disregarded what I ask for, how I feel. As a 9 year old I was constantly told that I am selfish and ungrateful and I was always puzzled at what exactly it was that I had done and it left me feeling shame for the unacceptable person that my mother made me out to be. I wasn’t seen, heard, valued and she would listen to anyone but me. Now she has dementia and I can’t just walk away or even assert boundaries as the dementia adds in a complex layer where she needs me in a life or death kind of way. And I do want to be there for her. The kitchen disposal example was such an “aha” moment for me. My mother will not honour agreements and then always revert to “You are always criticising me, I can’t do anything right” if I bring it up. It’s beyond frustrating.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

You might be able to find a support group of others who care for family members with dementia. I hear you when you say that it is more than frustrating. I am sorry that your mother was so invalidating to you when you were very young. What you are endeavoring to do in caring for her can be more than a full time job and heartbreaking, too. You might, according to your circumstances, consider looking into residential assisted living places o r nursing homes now or very soon. If you do this, be very thorough before you place your loved one into one as a last resort--be very thorough in vetting any place, because they are not all deserving of people's good faith. So, be aware of that. . . . per that, there is a very unscrupulously managed assisted 'living' in Northfield, Minnesota, named Valley View, whose administrator, Rachel Porter, is a pathological liar. That business advertises under an umbrella referral , 'A Place for Mom' and that business ALSO removes negative--and precisely factual--reviews from their website, and it is done habitually. The administrator there should be imprisoned, legally and literally. So, please be very careful in investigating any place before you trust them with your loved one. I certainly hope the best for you.

[@robinantonio8870]

Just leave her. Your life is more important and her abuse will never change

[@samantharuebel8932]

This is a perfect description of my ex-husband. My current boyfriend has gotten frustrated that I don't always share things but he understands I'm learning it's safe to talk to him, that I'm not going to get told he's tired of listening to me. Emotional maturity is so important.

[@zoniemom153]

THANK YOU! I think using this term, "emotionally immature" is a much less polarizing way to describe a toxic person than "narcissist". It makes it more approachable when discussing with therapists. Thank you for the spot-on advice about setting boundaries. It is so difficult to do and I appreciate the acknowledgement of that difficulty.

[@jennetteoverzet2959]

Usually narcs need five of the 9 of the DSM traits are often there ..the biggest problem is conflict with a narc saying no to them you'll see the full spectrum of them lying to themselves and false reality

[@briananderson8428]

I read Dr. Gibson's book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and it was so insightful. I gave it to all 4 of my siblings, and none of them read it. They thought it was ridiculous and that I was "blaming" our parents for their actions. Talk about gaslighting. PS: This was a most excellent interview. Many thanks!

[@rushiaskinnerwallace6175]

This is gold. It would be world changing if things such emotional intelligence, along with relationship skills and even understanding of one’s psychological structure and somatic experiences, was taught early in life. This is essential to the human experience and would serve us as children and young people more than learning to add and read before we’re 5 years old. Life is a lot of things and will require a lot of skills to navigate so these “hard” skills are needed. But these “soft” skills are paramount as life is relationships! To self. To other. No matter what you do in life, you are relating. Doing so skillfully could end so. Much. Suffering. Thank you for this talk. ❤🙏🏼

[@MzShonuff123]

This woman's books changed the entire trajectory of my life. I am forever in her debt

[@falconbritt5461]

I did that repeated boundary setting, repeating the phrasing over and over, but as you said, their resistance was phenomenally stubborn. They were sure they could just bully me enough that I would revert into passivity. So the attempted bullying went on for years and years despite my repeated statements of clarification and what I needed, what I would tolerate and not tolerate. What I needed them to do instead of using me as an emotional punching bag and vending machine as well as a trashcan for their emotional distress (in addition to being a 24/7 on call untrained unpaid therapist for them). None of which was ever appropriate in the first place. I repeated my suggestions clearly and firmly (but with neutrality of tone), and stated what I would handle and what I would refuse to handle. And after decades (seriously, it took exhausting decades), eventually we came up with a tolerable way to stay in one another's lives (albeit while living in different regions of the country, which helps because you can ignore the phone and hang up when they get nasty). The new norm did eventually evolve because they had no choice but to accept my boundaries/terms of what I would put up with. But the sad thing is, looking back I realize that I spent a phenomenal amount of my psychic energy just getting this person to behalf like a respectful adult. All that energy could have been spent on my health and achieving peace and happiness. If you feel like you want to just exit, friends, please don't hesitate to drop contact and go get a better life. Go heal yourself and find happiness. You deserve it.

[@kre8504]

Raised @ a disadvantage, being raised by a Narcissist: she set me up for failure. I’ve worked in the restaurant industry, so I can be very social & outgoing with various people. I am however finding more peace in being alone these days, due to the heartlessness of the narcissists smear campaign. Lord, help heal me & give me strength & guidance as to your will for my life!!.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

I do so well around emotionally mature people and my Clients.. I can communicate with the best.. but as soon as I get around my unhealthy, emotionally immature family.. I sometimes loose it! I need help! I'm a sucessful Licensed Massage Therapist for 12 years now and I'm in California looking for the best Doctors to help me personally.. and to find the best Dr's for my Clients who reside all over the USA. 🙏 I pray God works miracles in my heart and those I love.. including my Clients.. who I care about very much! ❤️ Thank you brilliant ladies for this video and all the great research you all share!

[@TherapyChatPodcast]

I get it! I saw your comment and wanted to be sure you are aware that I host a (free) searchable directory for trauma therapy. There are several therapists in CA who would be able to help you. You can find the directory at: traumatherapistnetwork.com . This falls under the category of childhood trauma or family of origin work.

[@amorning2878]

Former teacher here; we expect students to be emotionally immature - their brains are developing and they haven’t had enough experiences to put things in perspective - but the parents! My god, the immature parents! They immediately interpret observations about their child as a personal attack - it’s exhausting! I’m just informing them in hopes of working together to find ways to help their child grow in a more positive manner, and they commandeer the conversation into the ground.

[@Lora-G]

As a person who is disabled it has been really sad to be greeted with "you don't look so bad" instead of "how are you doing ?"!!! Self interest overrides empathy in too many interactions😢

[@fuzbugg]

another thing is I think they operate by the principle of what they see is what they get. so if you are not in a wheelchair you are not disabled

[@healerscreek]

I've suffered the same from unempathetic a**holes. My rule after having multiple people say, "You don't look sick!" I just try not to discuss any health issues with those types, or I just say that I'm tired of talking about it, or just change the subject to them, which of course, is extremely easy! 😂

[@Henriette29.]

My mother suggested I listen to this as I’m planning on leaving my emotionally immature boyfriend of 3-4 years. I recognize a lot of the things that are mentioned here, and it truly is exhausting. As some others comment on here I too feel like I have wasted these years, but I have to focus on the learning experience and the fact that I’m getting out of it. I’m done and I can’t wait to reboot living my life for me and my cats❤ from Norway

[@Idontwanttoleavemyname.]

I'm currently listening to your book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" on audible and it's fucking life changing. Not the first time I've listened to it and it won't be the last! Thank you so much for writing it!

[@magpie2163]

how funny I found this video...just broke up with a guy who treated me like I was something for him to use, he constantly told me how I was overthinking things. but his lack of empathy broke down my core values, one by one. I felt so strongly that our relationship was tearing me down. he had opinions about everything - how I had my hair, how my apartment looked, my clothes, my economy and even what schampoo I used. sheeesh, I am eleven years older than him, I love my apartment and I love my collection of plushies and I happen to like my multicolored socks and my schampoo...

[@SkyR45]

That's horrible. That's not even just emotionally immature that's straight up pathological.

[@maryfroelich4700]

1000% As an emotionally immature 66 yr old kindergartener, I’m so grateful to be able to hear this sense and wisdom. This is a gem of a discussion. Love all the facets.

[@fuzbugg]

so you found the description of your experience to ring true?

[@MichaelAlbrecht-d7z]

I just agree with your comments. As a mature male I am so sick and tired of people just verbally on me.I am sick and tired of being a sounding board and being in a relationship or friendship that is a one way street.. boring andd insulting.I am tired of the monologues and verbosity.Wake up people and just be kind no matter who you are.

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Have you tried telling them directly how you feel about being used, overused, as a sounding board and yet not valued for your other qualities?

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Kindness is indeed important. Unfortunately, there are people who do not see the people in their lives as being worth a little consideration and kind regard.

[@xiomanaxoxoxo3212]

After my girlfriend abandoned me car less in Palm Springs and drove back to LA without me, cause she was on Adderall and had a drink and flipped out on me, I realized she was not going to stop doing emotionally immature things that presented a lot of danger to me. I' am much happier without her in my life and much safer.

[@therocknrollcook]

This EI adult sounds very identical to my Avoidant Ex who refused to engage in conflict resolution. Who -when he opened up to me internally - and showed any slight vulnerability - would then consistently withdraw! Yes,he lived way more in his head than in emotions. He was neglected / abused emotionally as a child so likely is Emotionally stunted.. So yes, attachment theory plays out in all this.

[@Freefolkcreate]

For me the dissociation is the main problem, it's like they have a built in escape hatch to avoid all emotional content. The self reflection is as shallow as the emotional connection.

[@MikaComments]

As someone who behind the doors is not staying away from drugs & alcohol I can confirm that my abuse hinders emotional maturity.

[@sissi8610]

I don't like talking about feelings, or listening to people talk about their feelings. It's just not in me, I do a bit, but I prefer to crack a joke to cheer people up, or I do things for them, making the garden nice, or walking their animals, for me it's more an action thing to show I care.

[@Tenebracas]

Her book has changed my life and I'm not even exaggerating. My whole youth I wondered what the hell is wrong with me, until I read her book and my whole world changed. I finally could stop blaming and hating myself, and could turn towards understanding, forgiveness and healing. My mother is an extreme case. Intellectually she's not dumb, and I agree on most of her values even, but she has zero capacity of seeing other people's perspectives or inner worlds, which leads to her conviction that she's always right and the whole world is against her. Guided by her errantic feelings she can justify everything she does in the most non-sensical ways. She's self-centered, not like a malicious narcissist or psychopath, but like an underdeveloped 4 year old. One time I told her in desperation at a dark point in my life how I struggle to find meaning in being alive, and her lukewarm response was that I shouldn't kill myself because in her life she has been through enough shit already. Even if that shows that in some abstract sense she loves "me", or rather the idea of me in her head, at the end it's always only about herself. On Reddit somebody described it as "my parents never met me" and it resonated a lot with me.

[@lovelyella]

How is it not abusive if there is no space for you to be a human being? As someone with CPTSD, engaging and staying in relationship with people who have no respect for me has been horribly damaging. Why isn’t the message to leave?

[@jesusacruz8165]

When I'm growing up , I don't know about narcs. But I experienced a lot of bullies and being underdog .I survived because I can be alone and avoid all people that is very harmful to me.i thought iam not ok, something wrong about me .but I want To be alone and I'm used to be isolated there's no change about me. But I became adult I married and identified him as psychopath .a lot of abuse physically and mentally but I got awakened and I realized it's not about me but about him.hiscrazy .his family is a cult . Group of psychopaths like walking dead.immagine I was in their house alone and fighting for myself for survival but I did go out to that monster and I'm here still alive .thank God I'm awaken.

[@suzannerodriguez1869]

My emotionally immature friend drains me mentally and I have to take a break from her quite often lately. It’s all drama with her that I can’t handle her anymore.

[@sinoa1]

Walk away, be distant n invigorate n recharge your soul.

[@jolynn2271]

Most of our leaders in Washington must need your help. I've noticed they never want to have empathy, or any dialog about how they can make positive changes for the American people. 😮😢❤

[@ShinnoEli]

I've always suspected that's kind of a prereq for getting into politics. Xp

[@elizabethdean0187]

Lindsay, thank you so much for ‘verbalizing’ my long time (life long) experience with my emotionally immature younger sister and older brother. Your words are so validating of my experience which really I have shared with few, at least not to its full extent. Over 70 now, I find myself committed to healing. In my working life although I continue some academic writing, I was aware of the painful discomfort of being with them but tried to accommodate (not healthy, too much personal sacrifice), but erroneously believed this is a time in our lives for deeper connection. You phrased it so well, about EIPs see no reason to bother getting to know others and that they have a lock-hold on truth so conversations are uni-directional. Time for me now….. no more of what can be described only as emotional abuse and total disregard for boundaries. In social situations I have effectively learned to manage this, but it’s draining having to be vigilant every time I speak. I have flourished in my academic career, but the sib situation has been unfathomable and costly to me personally. Time for ‘compassionate inquiry’ and seeking out relationships that are comfortable and equitable. 2024 is my year of letting go. Life lessons. Thank you again, Lindsay. Your words of wisdom have been so helpful, both videos and your books. You have helped many. Professor-Elizabeth

[@dianacartner-jx2oj]

You have been SUCH a help to me, so much is clear and my direction to not get frustrated, but calmly set boundaries and stick to it without getting angry.

[@user-oc3lc1sx8m]

I always end up frustrated after a conversation with my Dad. He runs away from vulnerability. He’s emotionally cold. The rare times I hug him, I don’t feel warmth inside me. I’d feel more warmth hugging a puppy.

[@anja4755]

Same here. I can't do anything though.

[@NYKIKE]

I needed this so badly. Thank you so much for making this. I've struggled for years with this. You put it to words so elegantly. It's really fucking hard to deal with this.

[@shirleyfrost9909]

Don't give up. We can't let them win

[@NYKIKE]

@@shirleyfrost9909 Never give up, only breaks. Fight on! (with emapthy and self-respect)