5 Thought Distortions That Keep You Codependent (And How To Heal Them)

Anxious Attachment: Using Space And Self-Regulation To Build Intimacy (Video): • Anxious Attachment: Us...

[@luminousweb]

I appreciate seeing these things in writing, so in case this helps anyone else I'm sharing. In Secure Relationships: 1. We offer people the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and support them emotionally through that process 2. We give love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel in connection with them 3. We're honest about the ways we differ from the other person and ideally learn through those differences 4. We use conflict and disconnection as opportunities to reconnect to our self and to build long-term intimacy through an awareness of each other's boundaries and differences 5. We give people the opportunity to rise to the occasion of loving us in a way that preserves our dignity as well as theirs

[@trishedmondson4278]

You're truly a blessing, i like watching these videos when I am cleaning but i love the idea of rewatching the videos a few times and taking notes to remember and practice and this helps !

[@jenp5759]

Me too. Thanks for doing this.

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

Holy fk the first one

[@jilli813]

Reading this is so helpful and I understand it better so thank you friend!

[@emmabobby3666]

You don't necessarily do double the work and anticipate the other's needs because you believe they lack the skills or emotional maturity. You do it because you believe you owe it to them. You see no flaw in them, you just believe that if you don't prove over and over again that you can provide for them and make everything in your shared life, as fluide and nice as you possibly can, they will see you as unworthy of love, as you have been trained to believe you are.

[@jeannined7532]

Courageous truth teller, that's what you are! I came to a similar conclusion for the cluster of motivations that drive my own codependent relationships. I had a highly narcissistic mother who had no problem letting me believe I was worthless and obligated. Thank you for being so honest.

[@emmabobby3666]

@@jeannined7532 I also come from a mother who has NPD and i was the scapegoated one in the family system. She did and still does do everything she can to brake any self esteem down, any self allyship and any self advocacy are punished. It leaves a lot that needs to be healed and cared for in the people who were raised by the toxic narcissists ( i have heard that not all people with NPD are toxic, my mother is). The scars that type pf people leave in their kids are brutal to deal with and we must come to terms with how bad it was and work hard to rebuild ourselves. Anything that is shaming (like saying "you take responsibility for and anticipate other people's feelings because you think they are emotionally immature" can be damaging to our healing. I'm glad i am not alone in this. Thank you for commenting

[@jessicalohmeyer9508]

I "see no flaw in them" bc my thought distortion is that they are infallible, but that is impossible bc as humans we are inherently flawed! And God forbid I don't protect them from their own consequences, bc those consequences become mine when they turn their anger and rage about their own shortcomings toward me.

[@djp3819]

Self abandoning is me all over. I over invest and try to cater in order to prevent them from wanting to leave and in the process I lose myself, I lose that which attracted them in the first place because I become someone else. I’m 36 and I just figured this out yesterday.

[@naticaleb123]

Thank you for sharing. Don’t feel bad, I’m 53 and I just realized, in the last 5 minutes, this concept of self abandoning… I’ve done, my entire adulthood! We’re here to learn from our mistakes and move forward properly! I wish you the best!

[@djp3819]

@@naticaleb123 thanks for the positive response and I wish you all the best on your journey.

[@joshuavanscoyk9404]

God bless you brother keep fighting I’m trying to realize all this stuff!!

[@djp3819]

@@joshuavanscoyk9404 thank you brother. It takes time and it takes constant work. The first step is awareness. We can’t be held accountable for that which we are oblivious to as Peter Crone says, and you must be self aware on some level because you are here watching these videos. All the best on your journey!

[@Salladbynch]

I feeeeelll youuuuu… years go by and then I’m like… did I do anyyyything to benefit my life or did I just focus on fixing others

[@julietteferrars3097]

I’ve been avoiding this video all day because I know it’s what I need to hear. I struggle with codependency so badly with my mom. She has had cancer my whole life and I’ve always been anxious about losing her. I try to make every moment perfect since I’m afraid it’ll be our last time together. We have some good bonding moments, but she also guilt-trips me a lot and is very emotionally immature. I feel like I’m her mother and even her therapist. I feel horrible around her sometimes, but whenever we spend time apart I have panic attacks or feel so guilty for enjoying life without her. It’s a miserable way to live and I’m honestly just pushing through everyday waiting for life to happen for me. Your videos have been super helpful and encouraged me to face a lot of my issues instead of sleeping and daydreaming my life away. 🖤 It’s hard. I’m grateful for your support.

[@kristinaschewenius6615]

💖

[@LavenderHazelwood]

[@Dani-hq2un]

I can relate a lot to the things you experience. I've also been in a similar situation with my dad who was an alcoholic. I can only guess it's the same for you that when you are with or without them, you live in a state of mind that you're ready for them to pass away at any moment. My dad passed away end of 2021. It was honestly like a blessing in disguise because he and the situation were getting worse. So even if that was the moment I could start living my life and be responsible for my own life, It was like I was thrown 10+ years back emotionally. Because I had to learn things I've never really had a full experiences of or missed out on. I'm still struggling with them today and feel stuck. I still feel like a child sometimes despite having been like a parent to my own parent. I turn 30 in a month. I'm sharing this in the hopes you won't feel so alone in it, and i guess more like a heads-up. That when the time is there and your mother is gone, that you might experience the same. So all I can hope for is that you surround yourself with good people that are there to support you. Enjoy your life even if you are apart.

[@ryanmorgan6718]

You should look up the work of Dr. Gabor. Could be the health issues your mom has are related to these emotional patterns.

[@lola.angelina]

❤

[@cameronpavelic500]

“Give people the opportunity of loving us while preserving our dignity, as well as theirs” Very well summarized, thank you.

[@iddefusco]

List @19:50 1) the belief that when you love someone it’s your job to save them from the consequences of their own actions 2) the belief that it’s unkind to express your anger or discontent with someone who has unintentionally hurt you 3) the belief that closeness is being the same as someone else (emphasizing similarities and hiding your dissimilarities) 4) the belief that falling out of connection with someone in any given moment is an emergency that needs to be immediately solved in order for you to remain close. 5) the belief that love means anticipating other people’s limits, and not expecting anything more of them. (Give the other the opportunity to rise to the occasion and work together as equals and as a team)

[@charissastella8920]

Thank you so much! Appreciate this!

[@sunnyadams5842]

Swooping in to clean up the mess also robs the person of the confidence and sense of self-sufficiency, cleaning up your own mess brings. If you're never allowed the satisfaction of saving ourselves, how do we learn how and have confidence in our own ability to take care of ourselves. I was cast into torturous, crippling anxiety eventually. Or not only watching someone suffer is hard, but more than that, with a Narcissistic parent they rush in to fix it because of how trouble reflects upon the person due to how it might "look to the neighbors". Not for the kid's benefit. Mine were masters at then blaming me for not fixing myself.... I had to get rid of them and learn real quick how to ADULT @ 57. BUT I DID IT AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF now. Thanks,, Heidi ❤

[@barbarajones7522]

I really relate to your post. I am currently working on proving to myself that I can provide and take care of myself at 59! 🧡

[@donnachristman2528]

I didn't have parents like yours, but I'm dealing with some very similar issues at 67.

[@phyllisboyle1162]

So true!! Good for you!! I let go physically years ago but dealing with the same exact panic disorder my mom had. I’m realizing this is my inner child desperately trying to hold on to part of her by acting like her. It’s not easy!!! Kudos to you!!!

[@klb1193]

As an anxiously attached person working to heal, I recently stopped myself mid-people pleasing by being honest with my best friend and telling her I didn't want her to come with me on my birthday trip to Europe. The reason I don't want her to come is because I feel like we are on different healing paths, and when I try to explain concepts to her like anxious attachment and limerence, she gets defensive. I struggled so much feeling terrible after I told her I didn't want her to join me on my trip. I kept telling myself "other people's thoughts and feelings are not my responsibility" and that helped. I think me feeling so bad about it (like unable to sleep well for a few days, terrible feeling in my stomach) is a symptom of my codependency and anxious attachment, and I feel like she might be codependent as well - she has repeatedly emphasized in the past that we are BFFs for life, I'm her sister, etc. That feels like a lot of weight to bear, especially when it's just natural for people grow apart sometimes. I felt (and still kind of feel) like I am responsible for her. Anyway, I'm glad that I was honest with her. Thank you for your videos Heidi, I love watching your subscriber count increase because more of the world needs to hear your wisdom

[@barbarajones7522]

@klb1193 Thank you for sharing. I very much relate to your post...I hope you are super proud of yourself, I know I would be! 🧡

[@babycakes8434]

It feels very uncomfortable when we for once start to do things that we want to do, to make US happy. The reason is that for years we were doing the things to make others happy. It is pretty uncomfortable feeling. You did great. I tell people that traveling together kills friendships. I like to travel solo, and I would need to know that the other person is even remotely a candidate for traveling with them. I can be ok with them being at a distance, but I don't want them with me 24/7. My friends want to travel with me too, but I am not far enough in my healing journey, and getting rid of codependency yet, to be able to enjoy other people during my travels, and cater to my needs at the same time. Enjoy your birthday trip, and next time keep your travels a secret, so they don't guilt trip you about it.

[@MoRPho151]

Best friends are not always forever, or the friendship sometimes changes. I had also a best friend, we went through some rough experiences and we came being different through those experiences, and now is not like I have resentment of her or anything but we just can´t connect like we used to. Before we were like in sintony, and now we just can´t find that common frequence anymore.

[@christianyaerger1751]

"Don't erase yourself." An excellent summation of this video. I found myself sitting down and writing out 3 pages of notes on this video, exploring my own missteps in relationships, and where these behaviors originated. Being able to break those things down is helping my acknowledge and process some childhood traumas. Thank you for all your work. :)

[@mokyan7]

Thank you for writing that - it’s so clear. Don’t erase yourself. I have been in a relationship where it seems like how I think or feel is labeled crazy or obsessive or irrational or whatever, that needs or wants as a man are foolish or not important, and over time, my own self is getting broken down to try to appease or please the other person, or so that they have more power over me. I am good, I am worthy, I am valuable, I have great potential , and I like myself. I am practicing standing up more and more and saying how I feel rather than covering it up. As a kid, the programming or modeling was to suppress your feelings, to not say how you feel or rock the boat, suck up stress or bad situations, and just be nice to everybody. The problem is then what you want is never valued or respected and you don’t feel close to anyone. In another of her videos, I wrote down a quote where she said : “there is never a route to intimacy that includes self-abandonment or people pleasing .”

[@jilli813]

Don’t erase yourself is exactly how I feel. Thanks for sharing! 🙏

[@angelamossucco2190]

Conflict is necessary in the presence of emotional and analytical intimacy. Relationships are a venn diagram, not a circle. ❤️

[@CORI177]

I just don't really understand why I couldn't have found this when I was like in my twenties and just blindly repeating the same patterns over and over again thinking that "That's just how I am and one day I'll find someone that it'll work with". 😢. And then you think something's wrong with you

[@ephram50]

Me too

[@Core.soul.frequency_]

It didn’t exist yet 😂

[@helenan866]

Thank you. I rejected the idea i could be codependent in my relationship of 5 yrs that just ended. I thought it meant you couldnt live without the person and constantly seeking their validation, but you helped me understand it and realise how much i am codependent. I am 23 and grateful for so many valuable videos on youtube to break generational patterns early on in my life

[@leslierisan7603]

Yay! You learned it early.

[@sandybrown108]

I think this starts even younger. As a child, in order to keep myself safe, I learned to protect my parents from their bad choices. Co-dependency infects us at a very early age and affects us as adults.

[@RichardHernandez-np6th]

yes!!!!! it fucke me up so bad

[@rachelthemuleexpert2629]

Exactly!

[@Intuitive_mind_healing]

Good thing we can change that now that we understand it.

[@ryanbarker3978]

Recently learned that codependent adult behaviors often directly map back to internalized childhood enmeshment trauma. Has put a lot of my life into an entirely new perspective.

[@wait_in_gold_ON_SPOTIFY]

I’ll take responsibility. I won’t say I was THE problem, but I was part of it. I lied to protect her feelings a ton, and that created a vibe that me doing all the emotional labor was us “working things out”.

[@vaniafelipe9832]

I had this aha moment few weeks ago. I saw myself trying to love people into loving me. I had to set hard boundaries on myself. At first it feels like you’re a bad person, but when you take a step back and get some clarity you see the wisdom in patience.

[@lindahaylett2665]

Just came across this video and have listened halfway so far. I only recently learnt about co-dependency and unfortunately it describes me. I can't believe none of the therapists I've been to over the years have ever told me about it. I'm 53 already! Also disappointed in myself that I didn't pick up on it myself. It would've saved me alot of distress. Thank you for enlightening me.

[@sharonjumba4648]

A new beginning is here for you Linda, take it and enjoy everything it comes with.

[@naticaleb123]

I share your sentiment, same age as you and no yes, it is upsetting we got this far uninformed. However, we are now on a better trajectory and our new path will lead us towards a healthier outcome.

[@justinbordner6528]

I've spent my adult life in solitude, aside from work, developing my talents, curiosities, emotional IQ, respect for myself and love for life Heidi. Consequently, I have learned to not out source my self esteem. I have earned what I've learned. There are 3 things that I will not beg for, money, sanctuary, nor will I ever beg for love. I will not force love to be sympathetic to cynicism or saddism. I love what you say about the harvest of honesty, and growing together through creative differences, however I feel that if my companion is harming me, willfully or not, that if I need to explain to them that they are being disrespectful, being psychicly vampiric, or emiting vibes that disturb me or if they lack grace in their movements I will walk away. I do not believe that natural attraction, authentic affection needs to be coached or corrected to encourage compatability. You and I either connect like red to a rose, or we seperate as the stars leave the dawn.

[@carissaetlora]

This video just changed everything for me. The part about trying to be the same as somebody you’re dating has been an insane blindspot for me and it explains much. Thank you.

[@davidmcinnis154]

Thanks for this video. For a long time I justified codependency because it reduced the suffering of others. I understand now that solving another person's problems for them relieves suffering in the short term, but is very damaging in the long term.

[@Jme_CA213]

I think a very important disclaimer to this video is, these recommendations are applicable to those currently in a healthy, loving relationship. One in which you feel safe and trust the other person to be receptive to what you are sharing.

[@graduationdog6513]

You have changed my life SO much I genuinely cannot express how thankful I am for this channel You truly are a gem

[@jaclyndiane8]

Im realizing one of the ways insecure attachment shows up for me is, I have a really hard time with not internalizing incompatibility to mean that there is something wrong with me. And really pedastalizing the other person, that they’re all good, and I’m all bad. Glad I see it, but it’s still painful in those moments. AND, im surviving it. 💯

[@CORI177]

I'm absolutely right there with you now girl. Not to mention everything I did wrong to not make it work in the first place

[@Gypsygal1024]

I struggle with this too, you’re not alone ❤ wishing you lots of healing on your journey

[@jaclyndiane8]

@@Gypsygal1024 thank you, to you too 🩷

[@kasseywallace1356]

I relate to that so much and I hate it

[@sathiasolriccardo7482]

I did the same thing! I ended up forming forced relationships/friendships and not more natural ones

[@Aline7]

You are on fire lately! ❤🎉

[@ryanbarker3978]

Codependency is such a misunderstood and stigmatized term. I know I felt so incredibly heard when my therapist finally succeeded in pushing me towards my first CODA 12 step meeting. This video is awesome.

[@lauradeveausmith]

I appreciate your devotion to the precision of your language.

[@barbaradellarocco5132]

You’ve identified so many abnormal confrontational relationships and the continual push/pull strongholds that are so damaging…I’ve found one party always gives in bc the other party refuses to look at themselves/ refuses to see the truth. Respect you, love video.

[@user-deesegma]

I am saving this. To hear 100 times atleast. This martyrdoms has been my life forever. I thought I am being the more sensible one, stable one, resourceful, intelligent one, helper, saint all for others.

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

Yes, like a mother, an eternal source of unconditional, undying Love. The last wheel on the chariot, as the expression goes in France.

[@mikayladurr2695]

I've been watching a bunch of Heidi's videos to try and make sense of my most recent breakup. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style and had internalized all of these thought distortions while I was together with my partner. I feel like I betrayed them by not voicing my concerns and giving them a chance to grow to love me the way I need to be loved. I ended up breaking up with them because they consistently crossed boundaries and hurt my feelings. But whenever I felt negative emotionally, I would hide it from them so that they wouldn't feel bad. I didn't express displeasure with these actions because I knew they weren't malicious. I would hide parts of myself that I knew they wouldn't like, which was made even easier by the fact that we were long distance. I didn't use conflict productively and avoided it entirely. I broke up with them because I didn't believe in their ability to grow to suit my needs. I was also exhausted and didn't feel able to teach them. I was very out of touch with myself and my needs because of the thought distortion that my emotions are burdensome in relationships and drive people away from me. I know that I wasn't equipped to fix my relationship in the state I was in while we were together but I still feel an immense sense of guilt for what I've done. I know I've made a mistake but I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to learn to become a better person but it's hard to forgive myself. There are friends I could reach out to but they are all annoyed that I'm not over my ex after almost 5 months of being separated. I welcome any advice or resources that anyone may have that applies to my situation. Thank you Heidi for making these videos, they have been extremely informative and I feel like my experiences are represented in your content.

[@filipesimoes2524]

Two words for you - love you (not in a romantic form 😂 )! I am feeling the need to say this for some time now but I was a bit insecure / ashamed! Don’t know exactly why. Anyway I want to share with you my appreciation for all the great wisdom & knowledge you share with the world !!! You are a special human being Heidi!! Thank you!! ❤

[@usernamesnotgiven]

This really feels like free therapy for me right now! Thank you so much for this video! Much love from Germany ❤️

[@alisayar_]

To be honest, I noticed that I become codependent mostly when I see myself in other people and I just try to be for them the person that I always wished for myself. So when I see people struggling and in pain, and they don’t understand why, I just see my old self in them and I wish that I had someone in my life who would’ve said to me that i’m not a bad person, but just a person who’s hurting because I was abused in the past. I just struggled so much and I still have a lot of pain inside myself, so I just want others to not experience the same pain, or at least not to see themselves as bad and completely broken. But I know that unfortunately I can’t do the healing work for others. I just wish I had someone to be there for me when I was at my lowest point and tried to figure out why I behave and think the way I do, but I only had myself. So idk if that’s a really bad thing as long as I work on setting boundaries better, but maybe it is and I just can’t see it yet. (English isn’t my first language so i’m sorry if there’s any grammar mistakes)

[@RNiGhlasain]

You articulated that perfectly and I totally resonate. I think all that struggle, pain and hurt that we're seeing [projecting] and trying soothe in others is instead what we need to soothe in ourselves and our inner kids [who didn't have that] and trust that others are 'okay'

[@babycakes8434]

I don't know how to even start. The minute I am with someone I start loosing myself. It was happening all my life in romantic and work relationships. I got recently better with work relationship, but what I learned is to operate on the base of anger. When I am unhappy with something, I can get angry about internally, and advocate for myself. Where for years I would just stay quiet, because I was afraid to advocate and fight for myself. It is still exhausting to me, but eventually satisfying. I wouldn't want to be angry in my relationship. I am single, because I don't want to try anymore. I had zero examples how to be in a healthy relationship. Is is so foreign to me, that I don't even know how to start.😢

[@oaktreefarmssmiths1883]

Sorry its sad but one does loose them selves

[@elliellieelliee]

This gave me the vocabulary to understand codependent behaviors more deeply

[@frankl.5676]

Thank you for discussing the internal resistance I often encounter when trying to do the "right thing." This has been very difficult to overcome, and it often leaves me feeling extremely confused. This awareness is vital but often difficult to detect, especially when it's happening.

[@ng-marc]

🎯 #Bingo Honesty, prevents a wasted decade of your life. Know Thy Self, Stand in your authenticity, Attract the right relationships into your world. Coming from a codependent family dynamic, these learned behaviours are can be unlearned. Life long work in progress #Learning #Growing #Living #Love #Respect #Gratitude

[@LynnElliott-Cromer]

Thank you girl!! I’m a psychotherapist myself, and I sooo appreciate how succinct you are with your videos. Thank you also for all your hard work to make them accessible and pleasant.

[@YouLikeToast]

This is literally me. It feels like you made this video for me. Had a tear come to my eye twice bc of how close to home this hit!! Thank you.

[@bf1lv]

Everything you said in your video is correct. However, in my experience, finding people that are able to have adult conversations is quite difficult. I have found most people like to live in a state of denial and hope things just get better on their own. That's not reality.

[@ashanein]

Yuuuuuuuuup

[@IntuitiveHealingLife]

Sometimes the most loving thing is to walk about and not have the conversations. We are talking about co dependence here and usually anxious people seek the contact no matter what. Secure people are able to have mature conversations and step away from toxicity. And time and space can heal a lot.

[@rachelthemuleexpert2629]

This plus it seems like most people aren't trying to grow emotionally

[@CORI177]

Or then you have people that also promise to work on things and then don't so

[@maamiimii]

This video was exactly what I needed right now! I've been doing a lot of work on healing my codependent traits but sometimes it's harder for me to get the proper perspective on what I'm actually doing when the people that trigger those behaviors are especially close to me. Thank you so much for this!

[@myneoangel4299]

I wish I would've found your channel a few months ago. 😔 Thank you, what a great resource to everyone to have access to.

[@MonicaGunderson]

I had a friend who got upset and used silent treatment, put downs, and gaslighting when they didn't like my boundaries. Then they apologized and mentioned how they didn't understand why I have boundaries, and now they do, and will be respectful of my boundaries. A year later, she outright told me she would not respect my boundaries, and doesn't even have to have boundaries with her own dad (she is around age 50). I did try to compromise, but there was no way I was going to have no boundaries at all. When I suggested my compromise, she got even angrier and mentioned, "I am not respecting any of your boundaries, your being mean and toxic. Your just jealous because I don't have to take medication for the rest of my life....... Duuuuude..... Wrong answer. I ended the friendship, which she freaked out over, and started repeating over and over how she ended the friendship first. I then blocked her on my phone and social media because she continued to harass me via messaging..... I am immunocompromised and have a painful genetic autoimmune disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis. I have boundaries in order to keep me healthy (mentally and physically), safe, and alive..... Especially since I am high risk of covid. Any virus, cold, flu, covid, can easily land me in the hospital, ICU, or death. I discovered this person lied to me about being vaccinated, was using a forged covid card to travel and go to concerts, this person also lied to me when they had COVID and told me it was allergies. Nope. Not safe person for me to be around. She did push boundaries a little, but man.... When she came out with, "I am no longer respecting your boundaries", threw a fit, then I got silent treatment from shared friends because she started gossiping behind my back..... I have other things I can be doing, like taking care of my mental and physical health, and surround myself with respectful and compassionate people. Managing an autoimmune disease is enough, I don't need anything to add to my stress.

[@k.c.sunshine1934]

I believe that practicing boundaries and getting them expressed properly is an important step to finding your true friends. I am sorry about your loss of relationship and wish you well on building new friendships with boundaries in-place from the get-go.

[@MonicaGunderson]

@@k.c.sunshine1934 thank you. 💜

[@MonicaGunderson]

@@k.c.sunshine1934 what is confusing..... My friend of 25+ years suggested I create boundaries for myself when covid hit in 2020, so she could understand how to safely hang out with me since I have an autoimmune disease and immunocompromised (high-risk).... Her partner didn't like my boundaries, and my friend of 25+ years ended up siding with her partner, and acted like she never even suggested boundaries, and went from "I want to be sure your safe and don't catch COVID" to, "FOMO! Don't let your disability run your life!"..... smdh

[@cmhdil7758]

Your friend is ABUSIVE.

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

Bravo for standing your ground. Inflammations + autoimmune breakdowns get better in the process of really loving yourself the way you are doing. You'll see. Good luck.

[@caitlin9781]

My therapist would always say I had “codependent behaviors” but I really didn’t understand because I didn’t fully get what codependent meant. I get it now!!! Thank you!!!

[@sunnyadams5842]

You are helping me get through disengagement from my narc parents so much! Thank You❤

[@Traumarecoverynow4u]

Working on that as well. 2nd and probably last time…

[@phyllisboyle1162]

@@Traumarecoverynow4ume too

[@nathalieprange1713]

Another 10 years worth of therapy. THANK YOU, HEIDI!!!! Exactly what I needed as my codependency has given me claustrophobia and it's been hard to live with it. Apparently, not being able to manage other people's emotions made me feel stuck and I started experiencing this in the outer world: if I can't control my environment, for instance in an enclosed space, I get out of control, I start panicking, I feel claustrophobic. If I can take my responsibility and let others have theirs, then I won't feel stuck anymore. Putting it out there if it helps others!

[@phyllisboyle1162]

This is what I’m doing sub consciously. I’m living my mom’s panic disorder in order to hold on to some part of her.

[@swathi5773]

1. Offer people the opportunity to learn from mistakes and offer emotional support in learning process. 2. Show love by giving people accurate feedback about how we feel about relationship. 3. Honest in ways we are different from other person and we learn and grow from the difference. 4. To reconnect to ourselves and build long term intimacy to build 5. Give people the opportunity to rising to occasion to love us in a way to preserve our dignity and theirs. We stay who we are and give opportunity for other person who they are. It requires neither person self abandoning and relationship built on honesty and mutual respect.

[@ajnadey7173]

Wow, I love the idea of just communicating, like hey I feel the need to step in but I know it's not my matter to resolve so I'm going to just be here for ya as a sounding board, or something to that effect. Of course I'm going to re-listen to your specific words, order etc., that's a great way for this rescuer to proceed . Thanks

[@chrysifloga]

Heidi, ur knowledge and articulation is such a blessing. Thank you for whatever u've done and gone thru in ur life to get to this point to help others.

[@hclements3884]

Thank you for this video. I've struggled with all 5, although I've made progress. My situation right now is particularly hard with some of these because I'm in a marriage with a very avoidant person who is teetering on whether or not he wants to stay married and has been talking a lot about divorce. (I don't want to divorce and I'm fully invested in the relationship still) I've been doing #5 you talked about pretty badly lately especially. If it were just me I think I could tackle my own abandonment issues and act more secure and let him go if he decides to contribute to stay avoidant/neglectful and won't rise to the occasion. BUT, we have 3 kids and another unplanned baby on the way... and it's so hard for me to grapple with the possible reality of them losing their dad and me taking on the immense challenge of becoming a single parent. It feels like my kids having their dad in the home is hanging largely on me and how I interact with him right now, so I'm doing everything I can to better myself and meet his needs while expecting little from him. I know I'm having some codependent thoughts and behaviors with this all. 😞 Very rarely have I come across these types self-help attachment videos and had them address the complexity that is involved when romantic partners have children together. I wish more videos were made addressing these types of issues (attachment, codependency, relationships, etc) when there are children and real life complexities surrounding marriage in the picture.

[@MelanieAlicia]

I just went thru this. I am so proud of myself because according to this video, I (eventually) did what needed to be done 🎉. That relationship is now part of a previous chapter but listening to you, I can see where it went wrong 😊

[@TheYazmanian]

Brilliant brilliant brilliant! You literally touched on everything in this video. I've heard a lot of people try to tackle this topic and they either miss the point completely or go in strange directions but you hit the nail on the head. Subscribed!!!!

[@Creatrix11]

😊Heidi!!! I wanted to express my gratitude for the incredible gift you have given me - the "tools" to become a better person. You have shared invaluable wisdom and insights that have inspired me to grow. You have taught me the importance of self-awareness, empathy, and continuous learning.I will carry the lessons you've taught me with me always, cherishing them as I continue to evolve into the best version of myself.🙏❤️

[@TSAONGAF]

This is the only channel I give a video a thumbs up before even starting to watch it since her content is just so consistently high quality 🙌❤️

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

I totally agree. It is like her words just tumble out freely from the receeds of my mind and out of my heart. Meeting up with and validating all my gut feelings over the years, even those which I have chosen to dismiss. With the ultimate unfortunate consequences of course.

[@kaodorite]

Thank you so much for your videos Heidi. You have been so helpful - are you able to do a video on how to connect to yourself, or creating an identity that feels more solid. If that makes sense

[@debstraub8437]

Yes… this is a great suggestion. I need this too😊

[@oambitiousone7100]

My part in the ruination of my marriage was co-dependence. I realize it profoundly watching this

[@SiLloyd]

Yup. Great to know I've already done some work on this, but also good to recognise there's more to do.

[@deenatagger3074]

Respect. Wisdom and clarity. Blessings from you and for you.

[@MackiProductions]

These are always so helpful. Thank you. I found myself drifting in and out of focus listening to this, because i feel a lot of accumulated pain in my body is because of my codepedant relationship to my family members. Thank you for sharing this information

[@catsaresocute650]

I feel much better hearing the part about allowing the other person to see where you are in a relationship and also about being feeling hurt even when it's about something you understand to not be about hurting you mattering

[@purenergywellness17]

You do a fantastic job Heidi with your videos!! So appreciate you! ❤

[@nbk12nv]

I’ve watched this video like 5x and it’s only after doing the work that I finally get what she’s saying!

[@barbarajones7522]

I am so happy that I have rediscovered your channel. Your voice is encouraging and uplifting...that makes this stuff easier for me to listen to! Grateful for you and your work! 🧡

[@Adam-nk4oj]

Compromise more important word than compatible. You can talk yourself out of being compatible with anything. Learning to compromise is a more useful life skill if someone is important to you

[@michelepwilliams]

This is so spot on! Now if you could just get inside my head and scramble up my thinking to get the good stuff to rise to the top when I slip into these self-defeating thought patterns, that would be helpful! 🙂 58 and so stuck in my ways! 😞

[@dvn685]

Right when I was just about to sleep 😂 thank you for this!

[@MichaelDodson3210]

Heidi, this video was exactly what I needed! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@Grac.e26]

BLESS YOUR F SOUL 🙏🙏 going through a rough brakeup , I’ve always had codependency issues with my family that I never faced.. and here I am picking up the pieces begging for hope.. thank you !

[@lustertone8587]

1- No for myself… Yes for my Ex and my current spouse and their parents. I confronted my Ex on my concerns about her codependency with her parents and was told that their relationship would never change and I had to deal with it. 2- Yes 3- Yes and I feel it’s directly related to having a fawning response. 4- I want to say no but maybe yes based on the conversation around fawning. 5- Once again I want to say no but my fawning response type pushes the dynamic towards yes. This is a video that, once again, opens my mind to the things that I want to work on within myself to become a more true version of me for myself and those who I interact with. Your knowledge in these areas of self and relationships is far above my comprehension but you always know how to help us in so many ways. As always, thank you for being such an inspiration.

[@meganjohnson9540]

Thank you so much, Heidi! This is so helpful. Very well done and much appreciated. Love and light. 💕

[@spikygreen]

"What we are robbing them of is the opportunity to learn from their mistakes".. *sigh*.. Have you heard about trauma? (Yes, I know you have.) So let's just leave people with PTSD, for example, to figure it out on their own how to function again. And someone who can't walk, let's leave them just to figure out how to walk, shall we. How can you expect someone to be "responsible for their mistakes", let alone learn from them, when it's typically something they hardly have any control over 🙄 and when the one thing that can make a true difference in someone's life is another person's caring, consistent presence and support. I'm happy to see that we as a society are finally starting to talk about trauma. I hope we'll evolve to the point where we stop blaming people for their trauma and the behaviors that stem from it (everything from procrastination to addiction and all other kinds of poor life choices).

[@victtayl]

I hear you. Compassion is important. I think the danger can be that being that presence for someone with trauma can sometimes be to the detriment of the support figure. My mum has always been my dad’s main emotional support figure but it’s to the point where it’s hard to tell where he ends and she begins at times. She’s always modifying and adjusting for him. I don’t know if she even knows what SHE likes anymore. I think a professional therapist is often the best person to hold their emotions working through their trauma because they can have some separation while being a secure, coregulating presence.

[@pamelacorkey7002]

You can be there with love and caring for someone through difficulties and NOT engage in rescuing or fixing behavior. Protecting people from the pain of life is not loving, it’s condescending. Codependent caretaking is manipulation and control masquerading as loving kindness.

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

One major issue is that these problems almost always stem from something someone is unwilling to see/fix, because it’s too dangerous for them to face for one of many reasons. Abusive behavior, or conditioned responses, or self-esteem issues, or outside threats, etc. If someone is unable to see the actual problem because of something like this, you’ll never be able to get them to see it. You’ll just get attacked, or ignored. That assumes you’re even able to see the actual problem, and it isn’t just your imagination. Near as I can tell, the best way is to mind your own boundaries and set actual expectations based on what you need. And let them fail if they’re going to fail, and succeed if they’re going to succeed. Co-dependency is abandoning what you actually need in order to let them ‘succeed’ enough to not break the relationship. It’s giving them something they didn’t truly earn.

[@jlm3195]

I agree! “Tough love destroyed me”! And I am a pretty independent person but ctpsd, neurodivergent, widowed & 3 kids and I was functioning till about 2021 then in 2022 went through a Thyroid Storm from Covid and was recovering from long-term covid and could barely walk. I got lectures from people on mental health bc my house got to hoarder level. I wasn’t depressed before the thyroid storm. I do have some anxiety. I got some help but wasn’t the help I needed & made things worse in so many ways!!! And people did seem to give up on me. Several times I heard how I needed to help myself. My one brother who could have been a very good asset at the time is a recovering codependent w/ strict boundaries & very textbook. It made things worse!!! I knew these people cared about me but they didn’t help me & in 2024 I still have things undone from 2022 and can’t ask anyone for help bc I dont have anyone I feel comfortable asking. And they played the “she has to learn to ask for help” game. My best friend that always knew how to help or understood died & it made me grieve her & my husband on such a deeper Level!!!

[@spikygreen]

@@jlm3195 that sounds so tough, sorry to hear you've been dealing with all of this! Yeah the advice to be independent and set boundaries (aka neglect other people just so you don't sacrifice a bit of your own pleasure) works ok when everyone is young and healthy. Humans always lived in communities and supported each other within those communities, looking after the old and the sick. And now this is supposedly "codependency" and "being needy."

[@michaelkeryger141]

Your so smart it hurts my head

[@johnsutherland5186]

I absolutely love your videos and really appreciate how clear, direct and informative they are. Thank you👍

[@matthew223]

Love this 🙌🏽 I thought I was secure again, but I'm not. BUT I'm almost there!!!

[@RosyFdz]

I was raised in a super enmeshed toxic hostile environment, relationships scare me, I’ve never lasted in them, all of this info makes sense but I have no idea how to apply this irl … it’s honestly overwhelming and depressing

[@melissasmuse]

Internal family systems helps!

[@joykorshiwor699]

Heidi🎉...love you . I'm an AP. I am excited about my journey to secure and this helps a lot

[@needsmorecowbell1758]

This is new information to me, and sheds light on things I knew might have been happening but didn't know what actually it was that was happening. Just found your channel. Thank you for your videos

[@dahnyul]

Loved this! Beautifully presented, and calming/ inspiring to hear it spoken through. Really appreciate you!

[@ranc1977]

What is coming up for me is that social anxiety is not fear of criticism, but actually fear of expressing our own criticism due to fear of punishment and potential trauma of doing so.

[@tanyanicholas5221]

🤔WOW!!! That is POWERFUL Insight!!!! It resonates with me so much. I could never understand why I love and enjoy being with people but fear the experience at the same time! Just this morning I was thinking about how my Trauma pattern to be seen, agreeable and unheard hinders me from experiencing others more Fully. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!🙏🏽😃❤

[@ranc1977]

@@tanyanicholas5221 Yep. I wrote about this at reddit at my forum for social anxiety. This is hidden trauma - Freud and Jung talked about this - there is certain trauma with is not clear to us - but once we get insight - we won't feel fear/Charcot hysteria anymore. CBT and DSM are giving us wrong explanations, they keep us trapped in trauma. Heidi's videos helped me a lot to make these breakthroughs. She is our angel! C.G. Jung - 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'

[@phyllisboyle1162]

@@ranc1977I’m dealing with panic disorder and this is so true!!!

[@ranc1977]

@@phyllisboyle1162 Yeah, 6 months later on and thanks to this video I discovered that CBT and self-help industry and DSM are lying to us - giving us false descriptions of panic and anxiety - and then we end up even with more panic , because we are being explained away that we are helpless and hapless victims - instead of full grown adult who can express his or hers opinion out loud and protest unfair treatment. Because DSM sets us up to think that we are a bag of fears that depend on other people to feel either panicked or safe, that this is something totally outside of our control. CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help and information about mental health.

[@carissaetlora]

I need this video etched in my brain

[@Sprinkles538]

At this point I’m convinced Heidi is reading my diary or something

[@aimeem]

Yeah me too

[@Adam-nk4oj]

Helpful and insightful. Caveat, a lot of these videos express it's not your responsibility how how how someone feels after you say something to them... That's incorrect in some ways, as how a person behaves or acts towards you can have an impact or leave an impression. Concept can also give a person permission to justify to themselves mistreating others. Yes it's our responsibility to set healthy boundaries, but in the flow of life, awareness of our own projections and impact will help us become better at balancing authenticity and connection, whilst being our truest selves

[@user-qw5bk1sg6d]

and what a warped reality it was! Thank you Heidi

[@fousmal9462]

Thank you my sister...your a gift from God

[@theallstreetwear4368]

Every single point was so valuable and as I reflect now on my previous relationship that I could have implemented this and saved it… so powerful. Thank you for sharing

[@JimmyJaxJellyStax]

The first one about "saving people" also has an interesting dynamic with some toxic coworkers constantly feeling the need to "save" their coworkers in a patronizing leverage of power - undoubtedly learned form their childhood, perhaps for both the oppressor and the greatest victims.

[@oliverrojas3185]

Thanks, again you have exceeded my expectations on understanding relational concepts by explaining them in a clear, concise, easy to understand manner. When watching you role play, it is much easier to concieve putting some of these relational practices to work.

[@hilarykey8189]

This is so HELPFUL!! It clearly illustrates next steps for me. I’m going to miss fully and lovingly but honestly come clean about a secret I’ve been holding for over a decade. I’ve been protecting my partner. Been ready to divorce bc something has been way off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’ve literally been making myself sick trying to get to be loving and caring toward him, but he’s getting g sick too, and worst of all, my kids are engaging in codependency. Everybody’s protecting everybody around here. Tough stuff. I need to know I’ll be ok if he can’t handle it, and that we both will be ok if he can.

[@darcyhouseman2290]

Video number two that I’ve watched. It is so wonderful to find out that there is a reason I have been that anxious one and all the reactions I have had as my man and I have changed and grown is normal for this way I’ve thought all my life, it’s so life giving because IT CAN CHANGE! Thank you SOOO much for doing these videos. It has been me my whole life, well, till this last 4 years and I’ve allowed the Lord to change me. This is just another pivot point of growth for me. Thank you

[@XaundraRawr]

Entirely off topic, but the white light makes your eyes so bright. They look almost anime-esque. Anywho, thanks for the information, Heidi!

[@give_peas_a_chance]

I do all these. Thank you making this easily digestible!

[@fancyfree8228]

This content is so thought provoking and informative. I appreciate you so much!

[@suzanne2680]

The video I didn’t know I needed 🙃 (truly did not even think about my family being “enmeshed” and these consequences until now). I’m going to stop hiding some of the things I truly value from my partner just to keep the peace - in a caring and authentic way. I can’t take not being honest with myself and him on core values that he initially fell for me over just to not hurt / trigger him on things that likely have nothing to do with those values. Thank you.

[@ckl5801]

My end goal is a healthy and secure relationship ❤❤❤

[@donna0708mm]

This hit hard, so much truthful about myself and how I had enable their behavior to continue and I didn’t let them grow but it was all model too me from my parents relationship. Thank you for your content

[@aekiap]

LOVE hearing these things from a new perspective. I definitely am susceptible to co-dependency in my romantic relationships but have always heard advice in the form of 'these actions and thoughts aren't healthy for you'. The way you explain these thought distortions is so refreshing because even though I eventually got the idea in my head that my actions are also bad for myself, if I had thought about how my actions harmed my partner in terms of their ability to face their own consequences and be independent, etc, it definitely would have clicked faster. Most people with insecure attachment styles come from a place of caring for the other person in whatever relationship it is, unfortunately sometimes caring for them more than they care for themselves.

[@loberleitner1]

Another 🎉 well explained teaching.

[@krisk6834]

Heidi, you pack so much value into each of these videos. The one pain point I have is that there’s so little time between your sentences to process what you’ve said. Rewinding entails listening to half a thought and determining where one begins and ends because there is never any space between them. Then I try to pause the video so I can absorb it, but I end up cutting off what you say next. It’s really, really frustrating because I want so badly to absorb and understand what you say. Sometimes I just want to hear a sentence by itself and it’s near impossible to isolate one. Your pace is fine, I just want to hear this unedited so the natural pauses are left in, so that the importance of each statement can be fully felt.

[@JJackDrenthe]

Try playing video at 0.75x speed. It helped for me

[@ProjectionTrolll]

Wow, rushing to solve someone else's problems while declaring myself the hero.

[@VWYL900802]

My mom blames it on other’s judgment. She’s afraid of her own projection of losing face. Like if I’m having a breakdown at the mall she’s afraid of losing face, not caring that I’m having a breakdown, and in reality, her own projection of how the public judges is not true at all.

[@juan_castellanos19]

Ooh this one is getting to me deep (in a good way!). Great vid as always Heidi!