Codependency and Complex Trauma - Part 1/10

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Tim looks at how codependency results from Complex Trauma.
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[@kylabreezy]

Once I realized I was codependent and learned what a boundary was, my family HATED it. They like passive, pushover me. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm never going back to old me 😊

[@jip7971]

Same here, as soon as I showed some (even small) boundries to my parents. Like you can't come over this Sunday because I have other things to do, they got angry. They even got upset if I don't talk along with them judging other people. Also, for example, if my dad likes a green car and I prefer red, he is annoyed. So, at 50 years old, I was fed up with it. I wrote my mom a kind letter basically asking respect and honesty, because they only talk about trivial things but when it comes to emotions they consider me a problem. She wrote me back telling me that I should know by now that things can better be sweeped under the rug. And that is exactly what I meant with dishonesty. I broke up with them 3 years ago and it has been a good decision. I don't accept disrespect anymore and setting such boundaries for myself feels really good. Since they are out of my life I feel much happier (about my self)!

[@jerrycostello3813]

Here here

[@resse2001]

thats the thing that's so difficult about making any major change for the better; the switch is often too much for people to comprehend, and if you're still a dependent it makes it even more difficult.

[@jip7971]

@@resse20012 years before breaking up with my parents I divorced my narcisstic husband after 20 years of marriage. It came to a point where he didn't respect me as a woman, wife or mother. So I thought to myself if I accept this, then that's it; I should never complain again (and don't look myself in the eye ever again) And if this deep disrepect isn't reason enough to set a boundry and choose for myself, I might as well never consider it again (I was 48 y/o at that time) So I finally took the step to divorce him. He left within 2 weeks and I never saw him again. It's bizarre! Even after a couple of days I got my energy back which he used to sucked out of me. I started feeling great about my decision setting boundries for myself. So the next step, my parents, wasn't as hard as it might seem. I wanted to ban all disrespect out of my life; whatever the relationship.

[@LeslieCYPRESS536]

Same situation with my mother and adult children . It’s just never enough . And when rubber met the road, I was the one standing alone !!! I had to say good bye them and hello to myself !!!

[@user-wj2zv1vd8y]

"So they're dying inside trying to give somebody else Life who doesn't want Life." He just described my childhood.

[@angeleye4253]

Well said!.

[@rhondasarcone6822]

This pertains to my marriage.

[@FromPeloToYourHeart]

😢😢😢

[@starlynn1214]

Mine too

[@oceanside13]

He just described me as an adult. I've gotten worse, unconsciously, taking all the BPDs and NPDs seriously.

[@Thehandle2day]

This guy is the greatest therapist in the game. He is on topic with laser precision. Dense and no fluff. A genius.

[@samiyaferguson9177]

Needing a relationship to prove that you are lovable... Needing to solve everyone's problems to be valuable... *crys*

[@francestaylor9156]

I learned to be a loner in high school my senior year so I got over #1 but I still have issues with #2. I have to learn to be okay with making mistakes.

[@sigmarecovery699]

I’m in recovery from substance abuse. As a man, it’s tough to say out loud. “Yeah, I am a codependent”. Even though I learned it from my parents, I still feel shame and guilt about it. Blame myself, which isn’t fair. A symptom of codependency is an inability to love and respect yourself. One of the things I committed to in my own recovery was no dating, no sex, no relationships until I heal. Unhealthy relationships have been destructive to me even more so than the substance abuse.

[@Snow-wz6eu]

If men were not codependent they would not get married. A lot of men are codependent.

[@olgakim4848]

@@Snow-wz6eu So according to you, every man that has ever been married is codependent? No. Wow.

[@alisachaise3]

That’s not what they said, you’re twisting it. Are you a narcissist~wow

[@taghazoutmoon5031]

I don't think it's bad to ve codependent. It's bad to be dependable on someone who treats you badly

[@Jess-kn8vl]

Both my husband and I are codependent. We have both gone no contact with our families for 4 years now but the remaining questions I still have are, how could you let them treat me like that for so long knowing it was harming me. My family on the other hand put him on a pedestal until recently. So I was codependent and people pleasing 2 sets of families until I got so worn down with chronic pain and autoimmune issues I could barely walk. Then got diagnosed with PTSD and both mothers had tantrums. Its been truly unbelievable.

[@Mel-wq9wu]

My therapist says that it is like setting yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm

[@daneberhardt8658]

🤯 wow that's horrifically poetic

[@mattseremet2202]

Unfortunately I see myself as the narcissist in this situation … I can’t believe I didn’t realize how inappropriate my behavior was when I was dating my ex… I’m really glad I found this page and I owe my ex a long apology…

[@sunnyday8254]

Well done for your honesty!!! Well done for wanting to apologise to your ex and, I guess for addressing your issues! You will become a good person!!

[@rosemccaslin5913]

Being em willing to look at ourselves is a gift to the world and you too deserve to heal and feel free from this poison. Keep going🌿

[@jacquietarr7280]

Awakening to our previously hurtful and unconscious behaviors is a huge leap forward ❤

[@nancycook4405]

Thank you so much!! Now I know why I married 4 times and each one was a narcissist. My dysfunctional ways was leading me to what only I learned in my home

[@pammypampam6920]

​@@nancycook4405me too Nancy, ME TOO! I'm 10 years into my 4th marriage now. He's the most like my mom, which I know I recognized subconsciously as FAMILIAR! I'm still trying to heal trauma from childhood. Lord, help me!!!

[@Weeflowerofscotland]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with an alcoholic abusive narc father and a codependent mother . They were both so immersed in each other that my brother and I seemed to just be in the way. I’m so so thankful I found your videos. Finally at 48 I am healing and learning how to re parent myself and notice my own negative patterns that I have including co dependency . These videos are honestly valuable beyond words ❤

[@LeslieCYPRESS536]

I grew up in a similar situation. I also have a brother , but he passed away when we were kids . I’m 41 and just starting the work. I am so grateful that we have the opportunity to turn the page !!💞💞💞

[@CreativeVoiceLine]

"Codependency is the dance of wounded souls." #deep

[@no_reservations25]

Literally described my relationship with my parents: My dad was the narcissist and in charge and my mom needed rescuing so I was set up perfectly for codependent tendencies, always making sure everyone around me was happy nearly killed me!

[@albwin4739]

Same as me… how can we heal that? I am always afraid of other people will think of me or afraid of disappoint people

[@no_reservations25]

@@albwin4739 it's a process, boundaries are important and knowing that you're just as valuable as everyone else. Fear of man might feel real, but ultimately, people can't determine your worth. Finding good supportive, authentic community is also extremely helpful for me.

[@georgiakombakis1356]

“ They’re dying inside to give life to somebody else.” And that’s how you become bitter and resentful.

[@anndavis2920]

First of all, i am a single woman of color who has learned the hard way, from lots of abandonment from family, and others throughout my young life. I can honestly admit that i now see and realize sadly so, that i havent had a true 'relationship', i only had 'situationships' w/toxic unhealthy ppl. I am now glad to live alone, being celibate & letting my heart, mind & soul heal from trauma. I am 62, independent & not willing to be traumatized by anyone toxic any more the rest of my life. I have many health problems and i need peace & my life is so much better by being alone. Codependency is not for me. Its a trap & a death sentence as far as im concerned. My spirituality is more important to me than being trapped & stuck like an animal in a cage w/someone who mistreats me every day of my life. Im a single woman of color who is proud of myself for loving my own company and i dont miss situationships

[@jaynedenny7759]

Wow, your comment truly resonated with me. I felt like I wrote it! You sound awesome and you validated me on my journey by knowing there's someone else that feels the same 😊❤️

[@patriciamharris5664]

Ditto ladies...👏👏👏

[@jeanneogrady8746]

More power to you anndavis2920 ! I totally know what you mean. Stay strong but maybe keep your heart open for friends in your life. You are loved

[@URFUTUREUK]

You need to be happy and safe. That's the most important thing. I hope your years pass with content and calm.

[@michaelmontagna]

Perhaps the most insightful comment i have ever read, on any comments section in 15+ years of youtubes on all topics.. "our spirituality is more important" ..recovering from our complex families of trauma, is a lifelong process.. .anything different than our not separating from these families is just a perpetual harm becoming more perpetual, a life filled up by enabling behaviors for people who would never grow up and do not want to even consider it ❤

[@peggytaylor8016]

I am so grateful for your studies. I am 83 years old and have lived with a narcissist for 65 years. Finally I can let myself off the hook!!!! and better these last years of my miserable life. It feels really good. I so hope my estranged children can hear this message and get help for themselves. Our one son has made it through and is a wonder.

[@Sophia-yb9lo]

Sending you strength : )

[@user-tl3lt9fl3f]

I think you're amazing!! I'm 59 and just learning about narcissistic family relationships and how that abuse affected so much of my life negatively. I feel so old to discover it now but hearing that their are others even older than I am who are also willing to still take it on and try to heal really gives me strength. Thank you for your courage!!!

[@Sheeesh310]

Bravo for You… it’s Never Too Late! Hugs 🤗

[@conniepowell2013]

I'm 77 and lived in an unhappy marriage for 57 years. Still married but have learned to stand up for myself and dont take crap anymore. I still have so much guilt that I wasn't strong enough to get a divorce. But, who knows, maybe I would have ended up in an even worse situation because I'm just now learning how to be strong and stand up for myself. I have apologized to my children, and although we had some rough patches, we now have a good relationship and I'm blessed with the love of wonderful grandchildren. Seeing me grow and gain strength has also helped my children become stronger, and they know my love for them is unconditional. It is so hard, and it seems like almost everyone has some kind of trauma. Good luck and God bless you.

[@jessicalong6011]

God bless you all! This is so encouraging.

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

Wow. Did this for 10 years with someone and now see we were both doing it. We were both trying to fix the other's wounds. It took a good three years of intense therapy and quitting alcohol to see that. Literally while watching this video for school. Thank you.

[@mashajohns7810]

Wow, this is probably the best explanation for complex PTSD/codependency. Thank you for this.

[@judytomlin9508]

Agree

[@MsChic73]

Agreed

[@janedeakin9286]

There are so many videos on this subject out there but your level of insight and ability to convey such complex material is incredible Thank you so much

[@j_u_ss_y]

I agree 1000%

[@debifambro1039]

I agree

[@JenniferBensaidane]

I have seen so many too but this 🎉🎉 is fabulous ❤

[@conniesmith5350]

Yes

[@chadguru9565]

this is absolutely insane . like he said in the beginning, it will feel like our stories are being narrated and thats exactly how i felt. if i could print out this transcript, i could highlight every sentence and remember 10 examples for every highlight. my mind is blown and i feel awoken now in my late thirties

[@marsharowaihy6725]

Look into celebrate recovery or ACA 12 step program

[@ToAllWhomItMayConcern]

You can print out this transcript....Thankfully.

[@tracicolomb-farmer66]

RAW MAN! Loving your share. Another group is Adult Children of Alcoholics. Relationships #1 I experienced.

[@oliviaperryman8622]

Late 40s for me 🎉

[@SunflowerBees70]

50s here I’m awoken too

[@setthetone6187]

You can't have an honest relationship with someone who can't take accountability for their bad traits. Impossible* 🐉🔆🌈

[@Mandalas12]

spot on

[@lesliemontagne6797]

SETTHETONE: thank you. Unfortunately I’m not sure that those who have character trait failures realize what they are doing, or the impact they have on others.

[@sponkmcdonk3898]

Including parents, children

[@cerissabrown2061]

I think this is why Jesus says Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing . Jesus called them in a nice way clueless.

[@janeharrop7058]

Yup!!! I have come to the space where if any relationship I have can not look at themselves, reflect, take accountability and see things then there's no place to move forward with them! It hurts, but hurting yrself cuts deeper!! Honour thyself!! ❤

[@pt4387]

I didn't know I was co-dependent until very recent. I am addicted to how people respond to me and I hate it. I am a huge people pleaser and always looking for validation to see if we are ok and it is mentally exhausting. I am trying to pull back from people but it is painful as I feel like I will be replaced by someone better all of the time if I don't make an effort, or see them interact with other people.

[@loyaknow]

Go one stwp deepwr when you feel those things and ask yourself why. Or stop and think, wow... thats not a nice thought, but this thought isnt a reflection of me or my reality" treat it like a crazy fletting thought. Tell yourself that the people who love you wont replace you and the people that replace you werent worth your time to begin with.

[@leahherron3347]

Me too!!

[@PeterBaylis]

Am 66 years old and being in therapy and support groups for various addictions and codependancy for most of the time since 2009. I have BPD, Complex PTSD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and recurrent depression. I thought that my only problem was substance abuse - oh boy was I wrong!

[@kirstieb8025]

@@PeterBaylisit ALL stems from relationships.

[@GodHelpMe369]

When there’s a disagreement, when I need to say YES or when I need to say NO, when I need to state my needs, and ask for them to be met... When I need to create boundaries... There's a possibility and a probability, that someone will inevitably, most likely, be disappointed in me... So I engage in every encounter, interaction, and relationship... In a way that ensures, that the person disappointed in me... NEVER ends up being me! I aim to never repress, never suppress. I aim to never lose a part of myself. Radical honesty only: 100% of the time. Always, all ways.

[@jip7971]

I longed for honesty as well after I divorced my narcisstic husband and broke with my disrespecting parents. I came along a book called 'radical honesty' by Brad Blanton and this helped me a lot. I no longer make excuses. If I don't want to do something I just say no and imagine a big punctuation mark in my head. People can react flabbergasted if you do so, because they expect an explanation for everything. But you don't owe everybody an explanation. And if I want to explain myself I tell the truth. Some people can't take it, but that is their business. Real friends don't mind if I say I don't feel like coming over this weekend without making up some headache or so. I can tell you that it is hard to always tell the truth, because lying is the oil in the social machinery. But it cleanses my soul and that's important to me.

[@happyazz2255]

I have been in this cycle for far too long (I’m 55 years old) It wasn’t until I finally reached “I can not be a door mat for others to wipe this crap on anymore !” and found information on codependency and manipulation ..... I am now on the search for being a healthy woman living a better life for me .... Thank you Tim for helping many many many . God bless you Love and light Namaste 🙏

[@1o1carolina53]

Reality is there is no real helping others---- if these educators don't say" go live your life "

[@SharilIrene]

@Happy Azz - I’ve been saying that for years - and I’m 58…. Ugh

[@janwisz4070]

64 here. Still struggling

[@kabel7985]

I feel exactly the same - I am not perfect but damb!! Some of the things that my own family have said & done are beyond the pale!

[@carole9409]

💯

[@indredu2]

Good luck to everyone on their journey. It's painful, but worth every bit.

[@ayekantspeylgud]

I cried listening to his explanation of how loving God actually is. I thought the codependency description was profound, but he just tied things together in a way no one ever has before about Christianity and God. If you have no interest in God, I would encourage you to listen to the codependency part 100%. But if you have even the slightest willingness to, I would urge anyone to listen to the second half, about God.

[@autonomy5649]

20:50: I burst into laughter when Tim said "I have to develop a radar for their mood". Holy smokes, being able to tell the mood forecast for the evening from the way they walk around the house... 23:22: And then I nearly cried when he said "I can't be convinced you love me until you have no friends and no family" because that is also true...

[@lastdays1989]

walking on eggshells

[@janwisz4070]

That’s so me

[@drewbarrymore8660]

I cut all my closest friends and distanced my family because of this, you become so alone

[@Bichonfrise369]

That’s me is not fun when I have to read Doctor 👩🏻‍⚕️ specifically when they have bad news.

[@chirokathleen]

Sometime they’re on the spectrum and not a classic narcissist. It is as triggering or more in my opinion. Very crazy-making for us deeply caring types. All our needs go out the window trying to figure them out and make them happy.

[@weisnixe1979]

So true. But remember that than more you make them happy and neglect yourself than more they will disrespect you. Because you are so bad at taking care of yourself and that is disgusting them. They can never look up on you but will look down on you as you don’t have any pride. Be more self loving and egoistic and you may get some of their respect back. That knowledge helped me to not go further down the drain when I was about to totally give myself up and only serve them.

[@lunasdreaming]

I think there's so much truth and wisdom in this, but the "always" and "never" language is dark. I have complex trauma, had unhealthy relationships, and I, at this point, only think there was one or two actual narcs. Pop psychology has us thinking it's everyone we wind up toxic with and that is SO wrong. NPD has to be diagnosed by a professional.

[@jannemclaughlin1039]

You hit the nail on the head for me! It turns out I chose an Asberger mate to marry and have a family with. He was undiagnosed and masking both his disorder and his extensive childhood trauma until 30 years in when I finally had enough of him and our Asberger son’s abuse and began requiring honesty from everyone, including myself. I unconsciously chose him because of my own ptsd. (Knowledge about all of this was mostly nonexistent 30 years ago) The extra difficulty is that autism messes with normal human bonding 😢 but they can still choose to be honest, come clean from addictions, etc.

[@sofie1065]

So true. My childhood trauma stems more from people with asperger disorder than from narcissism.

[@jenynz5334]

100%

[@renelledorsey3110]

I just recently had an argument with my sister regarding her lifelong lack of responsibility and how I enabled her. At an early age, my mom drilled it in my head that I was responsible for myself and my sister. Listening to Mr. Fletcher, I realize how codependent I am. I ask God to make me whole. It's not a coincidence that I was led to these videos.

[@expressmobilenotary1184]

I am exhausted from myself I want to be free and find happiness within myself. Honesty Trust Respect is what I need to give myself. I am so grateful for this video. Thank you very much!

[@user-tl3lt9fl3f]

Sending encouragement!! I'm also very weary from a lifetime dealing with family narcissist abuse. It's really tough and never really ends but we can heal and be positive for others. Keep the faith!!

[@francestaylor9156]

Man I feel you on that. I feel exhausted with myself sometimes. Really run ragged. I don’t even know if I have ever really slept well in my life. Learning to give myself some grace. Just wanted to say you’re not alone. ❤

[@Jayde.Fierce]

Upon hearing "If you leave me, can I come with you?" it brought tears to my eyes because that is how I think even if the situation is toxic. I formed a toxic attachment to my husband at a young age which lasted for 17yrs. I have an insecure attachment to my father. He left and later divorced my mom when I was 4... and I was never good enough. The siblings from his next marriage were his shining stars. He was always negative... I somehow chose a husband that seemed to be my best friend at first but turned out to be very similar to my dad, and our marriage became me constantly trying to be good enough and to gain his approval... which never seemed to happen until I was discarded (I feel like my issues caused him to do the grotesque things that he did... but I would never do those things to anyone). Even then, after alot... I still love him and wanted him to value me. That is when it dawned on me that something is wrong with me, and I need help... which I'm trying to seek. Thank you so much for your videos.

[@bondoneill9606]

Sending you love. I know you will find your way ❤️

[@christinemckay7537]

I definitely have been codependent for many years with 2 husbands and a child with addictions. Thx so much. This explains so much. Excellent !!!!

[@Floudia]

this is my story as well. You are not alone. Found terrible things he was doing behind my back and I still love him. His stroke shut me down and I found I dont know who I am. I based my entire world around him and his happiness and it still didnt keep him from being in the street with other women. I finally realized how codependent I am so I am now in recovery hoping to get a semblance of my wants and needs before he comes back home from the hospital so that I'm not making the same mistakes as before.

[@paisleygirl6642]

Congrats on working on your own self-worth. ❤

[@angelamossucco2190]

❤

[@DZ48994]

This lecturer is saying absolutely right things. He is excellent 👏. Bravo!

[@Callitout-kl1uq]

Wow. Trying to have a relationship without honesty, trust, and respect…. That rang so true.

[@cheyennepetro1038]

I cried through out the entire video because everything he said resonated with me. Listening to this video also helped me recall a long-forgotten memory that had been challenging for me to recall. It seemed like I was going through my childhood trauma all over again. He actually helped me understand why I've been developing harmful qualities since I was a kid. Though difficult, I needed it, therefore I appreciate him for providing me with greater clarity 🙏🏼✨

[@Christine-jg3hf]

Me Too!

[@allisonb.8492]

ditto

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@steceymorgan814]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Is he on instagram?

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Yes he is. dr.sporesss

[@chilloften]

I need everyone, everywhere, to watch this.

[@allisonb.8492]

OMG this is so spot on. I am so thankful for mental health research and all the resources available today!!!!! Man i wish 20 years ago I/we wouldve known all of this.

[@evamariagreta]

I wouldnt have got where I am today without those resources!

[@victoriarosario3338]

14 minutes in and I've got my face in my hands, weeping. At 20 minutes, you described my childhood belief which crashed into a million pieces once I realized it wasn't working: "No matter how many Straight A's I get, it won't make them happy [together]." Thank you for this hard lesson, Mr. Fletcher. I appreciate your Christian teaching, as I do believe that God is the Pure Essence of Love and Peace; your explanation of God's love for us, comforted my heart and I am grateful for your candidness and hope to learn from these lessons. God bless you...💔🙏

[@marlinesalas7465]

I am struggling to let go of a very toxic abusive relationship. He never believed he was the problem and he justified all the bad things he ever did. He never had remorse. And I realized that it’s me with the problem. I need to learn to love myself. Something is wrong with me and this video is eye opening for me.

[@marjol3in]

So relatable ❤

[@churhikurangi3311]

✨🦋✨

[@ladymuck2]

Relationship with a covert narcissist looks more insidious than with an overt one surely. Feels like a double bind.

[@kathyadair8552]

The Q°Anon "Cult" teaches Double Bind! Addictive Games; and Hypnosis & NLP are used, 24/7 deceptive Recruiting & an EviL in, Weaponized FRAMING! Dr. Steven Hassan,* Ph. D. It's Horrifying INFO! "The Cultl-Like Behavior of Trump's Extremist Followers."

[@kathrinbergmann9539]

As BPD im avoidant until i get codependant, which then leads to substance abuse. everything is so spot on. love this video.

[@markdow1093]

I've got to say I'm not an religious man, I've had a lot of trauma in my lifetime, mental and physical, by coming across this podcast, you have highly educated me, I give you my greater thanks for this education 🙏😇💞

[@corettagreene1444]

I watched my mother go through things during her life because of co dependence. My life is different because of it. I know that I deal with a pride issue that is now a whole lot better because, I would never beg anyone for anyone. I rather, do without until I can get it for myself. Yes, I know that pride destroys and this is my trauma because, I could have needs but, begging will never happen. I work myself to death to make sure that my dependence is only with God. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. It is what it is. Thank God it’s better now. God bless you for sharing this ❤️✌🏾

[@ShaeWashington-pf5cu]

You’ve explained me perfectly. Everyone in my childhood has let me down so I depend on myself and have a very hard time asking others for help.

[@kimberlykay130]

Honesty Trust Respect = A Healthy Relationship “Co Dependency is how a shame based person approaches relationships” Complex trauma happens where the person with the most power is a Narcissist They make “IT” ALL ABOUT THEM… Narc abuses others who don’t worship them

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

I am at 47 mins in and can I just express my heartfelt deep gratitude for this! It’s FREE and phenomenal especially with helping me gain a better understanding of how I have managed my relationship with a man I love deeply but who is a narcissist, definitely a victim of complex trauma in childhood and codependent. I have wanted to honour God and yet the world says do this and do that, I just wanted to honour God and this has clarified that I have. I am so so grateful to God for this video, this presentation and this man! Thank you🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

[@Itsjustcazzata]

Can relate to 98% of this. Waking up to it is painful but necessary in order for the cycle to cease

[@dianeibsen5994]

I appreciate the video. And It's not always true that you don't want to be alone because your the greatest fear is that there unlovable. People who come from neglect and abandonment. It's painful and terrifying to re-experience abandonment.

[@_ar.ti.facts_byritadrake]

21:34 😮 woah- exactly how it is . My father is a narcissist- it’s taken a lot of therapy and self help to see how codependent- I used to be and I can see I still have some work left to do 🫶🏼💛🫶🏼☀️ TYSM for explaining Tim - very helpful 📚📖👍🧘‍♀️

[@user-tl3lt9fl3f]

So true!! I'm 59 and I spent all my life trying to "plead" my case in a logical fashion to what I now find out is a Covert Narcissist mother, enabling emotionally distant if not emotionally absent father, covert narcissist older sister and golden child younger brother. I have one other much younger brother who is an alcoholic who at least will discuss mistakes but the entire rest of the family has attacked me since as early as I can remember for just trying to state very obvious dysfunctional truths and wanting to fix them. I really began to think at almost 60 that I must be unlovable and something must be wrong with me even though I have managed somehow through the lifetime of learned dysfunction and then my own reactions in dysfunction to have some success and to do a few things right. I raised twins as a single Mom after divorcing yes a narcissist husband...by trying to do almost the opposite of what my mother did. Anyway none of them will even attempt to look in the mirror or even suggest that they might need to change or that my feelings ever have any validity. It's a dead end. I'm pushing forward but I do feel a lot of grief. Sometimes I wish I could have a do over for a lifetime of fake love from all my family. My silver lining are my now 20 year old twins. I am going to heal for myself and then and hope to be able to get well so I can help others. I hope that you are recovering and getting better each and every day!! I really understand where you are coming from!! Best wishes

[@fightswithspirits915]

My story is your story. 59 as well. I dug so deep my being the narc was undeniable. It's okay because the truth is what matters most. My siblings have no idea what they are. Siblings discarded me just for asking questions about childhood. Accidentally narc injured sister with a joke. Within 1 week 5 other sibs believed I hated mom and rallied to protect the covert mother. They followed the cult narc family instruction booklet to a tee. It was a blessing.

[@collettedube-hf6do]

This sounds like my story!!

[@k8sl]

This made me tear up. I guess it’s because I totally relate too

[@SmashMaster]

Yup the highly dysfunctional family system… but there’s hope. I’m 40 now and two of my siblings have a good relationship with me. They’re reborn Christians and doing much better than me.

[@ORTHSUFR24]

This video brought me to tears, literally like hearing my life story narrated by someone else. I’m ready to start making a change, admit that I am a codependent and take charge of my life. I deserve happiness. The dance of wounded souls… so true.

[@phoebejue6689]

You are brave. I had the same experience. May we find the life God truly designed for us.

[@hbennett5640]

Same here❤

[@lorddieter4415]

Co-dependency is a silent assassin

[@davidx4008]

I feel as if you’ve described every inch of detail of my life from Birth till now. I will continue to watch your videos as I find your version of codependency very close to what I’ve gone through.

[@brentlagan3758]

Same. 🤮. The answer lies within you! That’s a good news. As a child you had no choice it was done to you. Made you feel less then and made you live with shame. you were ALWAYS good enough and worthy enough!!!! It was the people around you that made you believe that you weren’t. Tim’s videos and explanations are extraordinary. As series on shame especially at home for me.... I wish you well on your journey my friend.a beautiful life Awaits you! you deserve it you’re on the right path.

[@mariareyes7573]

wow same here !!!!!

[@leahflower9924]

@@mariareyes7573 physically alive soul dead that's my biography lol

[@fuchgugel9429]

Me too...

[@Lemoncare]

Easy does it.

[@mariacasabona4847]

Thank God someone is talking about how codependency can be reinforce or worsen in the church. I know from experience that God is not angry; I can be angry with Him but He never is never angry with me. He is not even disappointed.

[@sabrinadeangelis3374]

God understands the journey you are going through and the paths you are willing to take to set yourself free.

[@daughterofmyabba]

Thank you for sharing this, it helped me to read it just now.

[@benclarke1614]

So Gods a him 😂😂😂😂

[@francestaylor9156]

Yah what’s cool about God is that He can often use our mistakes and turn them into positive growth, not just for ourselves but even for others.

[@Truepurposelifecoach]

I have studied codependency and listened numerous codependency lectures. This is by far the best lecture I have heard. Nailing it in every aspect. Thank you for sharing your knowledge! I look forward to listening to the rest of the series.

[@yourenough3]

I have watch many videos on codependency and i must say that tim explains these dynamics like no other video ive ever seen. I do agree that one must understand complex trauma to understand codepentcy. Thanks so much tim and finding freedom.

[@sll110]

yes, CPTSD is the root , codepency issymptom

[@cd2437]

He speaks truth and so easy to follow, he descibed my whole life and marriage as a co-dependent wife EXACTLY.

[@launacasey6513]

I found this video right when I needed to hear it! My father has been trying desperately to hook me back into his codependency lately...I gave him some support and now he wants to basically unravel all of the work I've done in therapy over the years by insisting on more time with me. I found it incredibly difficult to be able to set a boundary with him because he's very fragile, needy, reactive, etc. Everything about him has been triggering my nervous system. Even the way he wrote his text: "Would it be too much to ask that we have a conversation? Sooner than later?" It has taken every ounce of my strength to keep myself from lashing out and screaming at him. I know how wounded he is but I can't fix it, and I can't have him expect me to step in and agree to get emotionally dumped on. I want to rationally explain to him how I see the situation but that would never fly. He's never taken responsibility and I would be delusional to imagine a future where he apologizes to me and to everyone else around him. I basically just have to watch him crash and burn. It's hard to watch, especially because of my old tendency to rush in and take care of others (without ever realizing that I had needs or what they were).

[@lindsayowens4962]

My mom isn't that emotionally stable and I worry about her because she's 75, etc. But Ive learned one of the best things I can do to help her is help myself. I am not that emotionally stable all the time myself. Another things, and this may different then your dad, it might be better for you to see him less, but to see her on a more scheduled visits so I can prepare a little before. Take care of yourself. Love. blessings.

[@wendymurphy2445]

I hear you! Mine is my mother. I realized it 10 years ago and it was like a switch flipped, seen her clear as day. Blocked her put of my life and started to learn to back away from being the family fixer. Whew...

[@sytskepeterson6559]

This is gold, painful gold

[@shelleyd9910]

Thank you. I really resonate with that idea of rereading the Bible through the eyes of pain and seeing our loving God through the eyes of boundaries and Gods design.

[@Realg401]

This is my new best video I’ve seen in 2023

[@leahflower9924]

This dude just told my whole life with his words killing me softly lol

[@FromPeloToYourHeart]

😂😂😂

[@goblinsRule]

Who is talking? Yeah the one, which is codependent feels the killing coming up, giving way to the real you

[@henrypadilla1845]

In my 34 year of recovery by grace...I'm facing my codependency with my ex wife helping her out with our beautiful amazing son..I know God has his hand in this trying to step up as a man not being self one day at a time but taking care of myself ...thank you all...prayers needed😊

[@HashtagAPI8]

This hit home so hard. Growing up in a dysfunctional family and now being in a relationship where I basically have no needs. I am dancing around a person who is so damaged and I’m trying to “fix myself” to accommodate him and be what he needs.

[@thatgirlcocoa]

I cried the entire video. Thank you for this word 🙌🏾

[@Gemisnotmyname]

I think this really was well done...as a PTDS survivor I think one the hardest thing I consistently have to do is to RE-shape my view of God. Spiritual abuse causes you to literally "hear " the abuser whenever you think of God. Thank you for this video

[@user-zl7ux5sm9y]

This gentleman right here has created the most valuable content I have ever encountered, even though I'm in the topic for 6 years now.

[@lisaeve6426]

I seriously can't kick codependency. It's the worst addiction. It destroys your sense of self esteem. I am never enough....I give and give...I sometimes just hate myself because I just want to be free from this hell of abandonment and feelings of inferiority. I wish I could heal. I feel so broken.... again.

[@arycwarneke]

You can do it. I wasn't able to do it by myself. I needed a good therapist to encourage me to keep going through the discomfort until I made it out. It wasn't easy and it didn't happen overnight, but it is the healthiest thing I've ever done.

[@lisaeve6426]

@@arycwarneke thank you

[@christinemckay7537]

l

[@FlawlesZMa]

@@lisaeve6426 God can heal you. He wants to. We all need Him and Jesus because we all sinners and broken. Go to Jesus and give Him all.

[@chirokathleen]

I found 12 Step Alanon work helpful. I’m powerless over People, Places, Things and Events. It’s not just for those effected by someone’s drinking. It’s a program of healing and self-focus. You can be Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Agnostic or Atheist. Your Higher Power can be Nature or a tree.

[@vaishalivaidya7978]

Thank-you so much for this insight. Most of us may not have experienced big T trauma but cumulative small t traumas. Most of us were also raised by codependent partners who stuck together just to maintain a certain image that depended on the relationship, invariably affecting the children.

[@elainesmith5313]

I have so enjoyed your teaching! As a survivor of Narcissist Family abuse, from my family of Organ as well as being married to a Covert Narcissist for 45 yrs, and his Narcissist Cult Family. Therapy has been a tremendous help. I am an Empath, raised mostly by a Christian Grandmother who loved the Lord and loved me, and nurtured me. But living with a Narcissist mother, an alcoholic father still called emotional damage to me and my four siblings. My narc husband died in 2022, I have since moved away from his family to preserve my sanity. I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. I glorify Him everyday for walking through the Battle with me. To All who have been or coming out of a relationship with toxic people....trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding , but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Freedom in Christ!! Praise God!!

[@user-gx5vr8io9l]

Thank you from the bottom of my Heart! Mr Tim Fletcher!! ❤️ you have help me find a way to heal my children from a toxic codependent Marriage! and you have given me the Strength to seek a Partner I can love and trust in a healthy relationship! 👸🏾💕🙌🏾

[@leafyveins4985]

Had an emotional flashback yesterday and had to get away from everything. I'm staying at a hotel for a few days because I can't calm myself down. I finally got 8 hours of sleep for the first time in a month. It feels like the trauma is finally getting out of my body and it's really physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally painful, disorienting, and exhausting. If I stayed home my family would send me to the psych ward and that's not what I need right now. I need to not be distracted by anything or anyone. I just need some alone time because I always let people comfort me and convince me I have never done anything wrong and in this case it's not true. I'm codependent so I need to face this on my own, just like an addict would lock themselves in a room to prevent relapse.

[@clairegrinberg3009]

This man is explains everything. Hes a genious

[@tameraslack4985]

It is my experience that complex trauma does not only occur because of abusive or neglectful parents. My experience as an adopted child was enough to set me up right away to become a codependent person. It was the tools I developed to feel safe and secure, even though I had lovely parents. I simply didn't trust this world. It was later I had additional trauma that heightened these behaviors, and landed me in one traumatic relationship after another...putting up with really bad behavior time and again thinking I could somehow sway the outcome to something more positive. It has taken me years of seeking to figure out this was my underlying issue

[@b1LL1eMc]

I am adopted too, and agree with you 100%.

[@INCHRISTONE]

I would think that a child put up for adoption would fall prey to still battling under the umbrella of neglect even if your adopted by a loving family at the foundation your biological parent neglected you not saying it can't be redemptive but I'm just saying I wonder if that's why even if being in a loving family there is still at the foundation the wrestles of feelingwanted and loved. I hope that makes sense.

[@authentic_heart_coaching]

You could have had developmental trauma which is pre-verbal, and being removed from your caregivers and likely not given the extent of the nurturing you needed as a baby is enough to create trauma. That not enough-ness and lack of attunement in your baby years was neglectful though not intentional.

[@Hephzibah-eq9kr]

It's an orphan spirit

[@digidrum2003]

This is exactly what i needed in my life at this vety moment.....thank you. I will slowly begin to heal .

[@NestorMaravi]

5:57 “The reason my parents fight all the time is because of me.” That is the conclusion I came to as a kid. Thank you for sharing. This is eye opening.

[@reinaequina6588]

This is truly a God send, thank you for posting this and your insight and wisdom ❤

[@breatheinpeace1315]

Omg I always find information exactly when I need it you are so awesome I had done this work early in my healing journey but now I find myself revisiting everything and finding this today was amazing thank you so much for doing what you do you are sincerely appreciate it anyway I can support what you’re doing I would love to give my contribution thank you❤️

[@darialo8740]

This video is GOLD. So glad it showed up in my feed today. Brings so much clarity, so helpful on my healing journey.

[@lorenadeleonsolis1126]

I have been watching this episode ALL DAY! You have confirmed what I've been feeling as the codependent in my relationship/marriage of nearly 19 years! I've begun the healing process 2 months ago. Thank You for all the information your videos contain. They are helping me so much, I am forever grateful.

[@SunflowerBees70]

Tim is a genius , when he speaks it’s like he knows everything about me! All my relationships even with my kids ( now grown all except one) I’ve not had a healthy relationship with them or anyone.. And I feel the only person who is going to help me is Tim. I have a son who is an addict in recovery. He is in a sober living house and going to NA meetings he says daily.

[@andreawilson6887]

I cannot….even begin to thank you enough Tim. Having endured this, and very very concerned that I developed narcissistic tendencies as a result, I have so so so much work to do. Terrified that I’m doing this, subconsciously, to my son (probably shame) and I need to just work so so hard. “My inside is bad…looking outside yourself to make yourself feel better without dealing with it internally.” Woof. I cannot cannot pass on this.

[@MegaWellGal]

Tim, Thank you SO much for doing this research and translating it into a digestible format for us to truly understand. I am realizing this was MOST definitely how I was raised. I have jumped from relationship to relationship in order to gain validation of my own ability to be loved since my father emotionally and physically abandoned me, even though he shamed me when I did not want to hang out with him. My whole perspective of my family has completely changed in the last couple years and I am feeling shameful for not recognizing it sooner. Thank you and much LOVE! Megan

[@heatherpilz112]

OMG! I FEEL INCREDIBLY VALIDATED AND SEEN...AND FINALLY😢 UNDERSTOOD...

[@alexisjohnson2026]

Thank you for separating your video into parts with the information and the religious aspect - as someone who has trauma from the Church/my upbringing I appreciated that very much.

[@Melissa-ch7vu]

Oh man.. this is so good, and so painful.. God help me!

[@STEPHANIEENAJE]

Word for Word, 30 years of my life explained. It’s incredible. I appreciate the clarity, the directness about what this is. Now I can see it clearly 😢

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

I'm so grateful I reached a certain level of consciousness that made me ready to listen to these videos. I'm so grateful to you Mr Tim for all of these series that show perfectly my family dysfunctions, and help me gain more self-awarness. Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you !

[@sitheninkomo3346]

Thank you so much this is so relatable and thank you for sharing your experience with God I just had a very traumatic experience with the church and it traumatized me even more.

[@Tehutli]

Wow this video contained so much truth. More than all the videos I’ve watched on the topic combined. I’m amazed at how he touches on every detail of my life 😮 I’m so glad I didn’t leave the church despite having being raised this way.

[@MusParvulus]

I've been coming to the realization that I have codependent tendencies, but this video shook me like nothing before. I'm ready to see and grieve that I was never allowed to be a person. I also can't get over the fact there is a guy out there who is a Christian and talks eloquently about complex trauma. That's a lot for one day.

[@evamariagreta]

This is powerful stuff! In all my years of healing I can't believe I've never heard of Tim Fletcher! Fantastic video, very personal and scarily accurate! Not only have you deepened my insight about myself but also every toxic relationship Ive ever had, sadly thats been them all but Im excited for the one that comes next whenever that will be for I am a completely different person now, I had to tear myself down to then build myself back up, I had to take these years to really take a look myself and the repercussions of the trauma I have experienced ❤

[@juliakane2601]

I really love this!! The Christian part is especially exceptional!! ❤

[@Teddyz44]

You are absolutely amazing to me, I can easily listen to you, you tell the facts which can be hurtful, shocking yet you have a gentle soul that eases the truth of the seriousness of this topic! Thank you for all of your information! I am healing childhood trauma that led to adulthood trauma and codependency, I am a year out of a very abusive relationship with a narcissist that nearly stole my soul! I will never be the same, but I am stronger and more educated! So I am grateful for my experiences! People like you make a huge difference in the world for warriors like me! You are an earth Angel and I am blessed to have been drawn to your channel! I have learned so much from you and I am becoming the healthy person I am meant to be! I will someday help others just like you do! It is so beautiful!

[@willuboro8362]

What were your experiences in that relationship?

[@ShadaeMastersAstrology]

@@willuboro8362 I wondered the same exact question as I read her comment regarding her past relationship. I’ve been seeing an influx of the word narcissistic the year or so in comments lately but never looked into what it meant. I was searching for information regarding relationship issues I’ve been experiencing and codependency fit my behavior big time. So now I’ll also research narcissism as well. I wish you the best on your journey 🤗 🌸

[@freetobememe4358]

I am 70 and jyst in within last month have I been so healed from all this. Having retail in small town, needing to please the customers. I get it now, what they think is non of my business. No mire neasuring up after 30yrs. Filled with unspeakable joy and peace.

[@SeaBug72]

This is the best lecture on this subject that I’ve seen. I’ve just been diagnosed with co. Dependency and CPTSD. Clarity of the situation has saved me from massive anxiety. Thank You❤

[@theoracle5265]

Tim my brother, this was so relevant almost like you said, have you been following me around recording my life. Thank You Thank you for all of this I wouldn't have understood nearly as much as I do now!

[@americanbeautyl]

I held my breath while watching this..thank you.

[@fruitypebbles803]

Holy shit, a Christian who shit talks other Christians! I’m here for it! 🤘

[@francestaylor9156]

Dude… some Christians really are the worst. They use Christianity as a way to be superior to others. That happened to Jesus. It was the Pharisees that got Jesus crucified. They hated Him for pointing out that they weren’t real believers but just virtue signaling, judgmental fakers. It’s all there in the Bible.

[@doloresmosqueda8169]

Omg! You’ve summed it so well! I relate to being in relationship with my abusive mother and just got out of this toxicity finally. I finally feel like I’m not jumping into another relationship. Finally breaking some of these patterns, it’s hurts so badly. But now I can heal my soul

[@SuperChurch777]

Very good message. Thank you. May God be taking you to more people to hear this message.

[@honestandfair1572]

Your a true asset to humanity and a great communicator. Thank you

[@RationalNon-conformist]

Wow, this really does go deep. Narcissistic/NPD parents are so damaging, but so can normal parents be damaging-because we all have narcissistic traits. Adults get together and bring their childhoods with them.. sometimes, two narcissists attract each other and they create a lot of damage together. Then there’s the empathic person who is a slave to the narcissist, this is my father In-law - he is married to a lower mid range narcissist and she is terrible, but he enables her nasty behavior, so In effect, he is also very damaging. Stay healthy & keep learning/healing! Thank you so much for this really great message!

[@RossRosenberg]

Very good material. I write and educate on this very topic.

[@franwilliams4306]

Thank you for weighing in on this material. I have watched your videos as well, and they are very helpful. My thoughts are that seeing the material from different perspectives is helpful. The disease is insidious, and Truth becomes more clear when hearing it from a perspective that resonates with your experience. Therefore taking from different resources increases your chances of finding recovery.

[@finnleydorian2802]

dunno if you guys gives a damn but if you are stoned like me during the covid times you can stream pretty much all the latest series on instaflixxer. I've been streaming with my brother lately :)

[@frankaldo481]

@Finnley Dorian definitely, I have been using instaflixxer for since december myself :)

[@oregonsnob31]

I watch your stuff too Ross!! You rock!

[@annagerebo6561]

Yes you do Ross Rosenberg! And you do it very well too.

[@williamyoung3227]

I didn't realize how I want to make my girl happy to a fault ,not realizing my happiness didn't matter. I know she has insecurities of her self, and it is because of past relationships, and I didn't like her feeling that way because she is the most beautiful woman inside and out.i wanted to take that feeling away from her,but i was suffocating her