5 Ways to Handle the Stress of Difficult Family over the Holiday Season

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

Great advice. I live in another country to my mother and used to go at Christmas telling myself, it's a short period, soon be over, grit your teeth. But one year I realised I couldn't bear the idea of yet again going through all that exposure to criticism, the eye rolls, the tuts, the accusations, being treated like a naughty child in front of my teenagers.... but I was still utterly terrified of her reaction. So I wrote the first assertive email to her of my life - and I was in my 50s at the time! - saying it "wasn't going to be convenient this year". I expected a nuclear explosion, a complete melt-down from her. And I got it. As I received one insulting email after another from her - calling me selfish, self-absorbed, unfeeling, neurotic, that I didn't care about her health, advising me to see a psychiatrist - I felt increasingly better. The boil was finally lanced. I've never been back since, and that was 11 years ago. It took just one courageous step to stand up to her.

[@thescapegoatclub]

Thank you for sharing your experience! Wow... and I am reflecting how a healthier, more supportive response would be something like 'thanks for letting me know. Obviously I'm disappointed to not be seeing you but I hope we can figure something else out soon.' The anger, accusations, playing the victim, trying to undermine your confidence in your own mental health. Ugh. Nasty. That really shows true colours. I'm so glad you were brave!

[@om617yota7]

Well done!

[@SereneBridge]

🩵no ideas or solutions, but sending you🩵

[@cathryndeyn9]

Sometimes the 'healthier response' we would ideally make feels far too much like fawning, and is simply not attainable. There is a period of time where we absolutely need our prickles. I applaud your courage and your navigation of this!

[@JessicaWeir-df2bw]

What is even crazier is that “the narcs” behavior is so predictable!! I’m sure your email was very respectful yet assertive but the abusive response is very telling. Pray 🙏🏻 for those who persecute you and keep a safe distance ❤

[@terrihall829]

Chess - I'm so glad I found you. Thank you for all of your tips and for helping me to know I'm not alone in my experience with family and questioning whether I should continue to try or step away completely. I applaud your bravery and vulnerability to help others. You ARE making a difference.

[@thescapegoatclub]

thank you! Some of the videos are harder to make than others. I make them because I think they are supportive for those of us who are experiencing the same kind of dynamics. Thank you for letting me know they help you- you keep me going! Wishing you all the best with your own situation. Take care.

[@debshipman4697]

Self respect means not putting yourself in abusive situations. When you are attending out of guilt and "shoulds" instead of love & joy....choose self love and self respect. We can change no one but ourselves.

[@karenwalsh7014]

My sister called me just yesterday on Wednesday, and she told me it was"okay" with my brother that I should be invited for T'giving dinner. Interpretation to me? It is your privilege that he has deigned it okay for me and my son to be allowed because they need more bums on seats to fill the table. I said not to expect us because he (my son ) has already started brining the turkey and we were expecting to stay home. I'm expecting repercussions but overall I feel pretty good. I have a micro-advantage of control.

[@katharinatrub1338]

How refreshing your answer was, and true to your self. Good Shot! Bravo!

[@irismckay6472]

Great advice, especially questioning whether you 'have to go' to a family event. Ten years ago I chose not to attend dysfunctional family events and have been grateful for that. This opened up time for me to spend holidays with my friends (soul famly). In my sixties, I am now grateful that I started setting and following boundaries to protect myself years ago.

[@thescapegoatclub]

I am glad you found that to be helpful, and I'm so happy for you that you found your own family of choice!

[@sophiesmeenk1076]

Yes, this! I basically wrote something like this just now (I'm 70, and my box with sh*ts to give is pretty much empty). We were able to give our kids the best holiday memories, just to not give in to these ideas of "family gatherings".

[@sophiesmeenk1076]

It has always baffled me why people with abusive families (or just families they don't feel at ease with) don't just make the decision to stay at home and make their own traditions and build a nice, relaxed atmosphere around these days. We did, and of course we got sh*t for it, but it was the best decision ever. Just peaceful, relaxed days.

[@leneursulapoulsen6243]

My way is to be me. To be empathic, kind, polite and authentic and nice to be around. Listening to what people want to share. My sister and mother are not that way.The young adults see the difference, and that is the best way to change things for next generation.

[@KathrynDroppa]

Thank you, Chess. May God's grace be with you through the holidays. Sending love.

[@asmrcreative2636]

At family gatherings, I allow myself 30 minutes of time with them then reassess my needs. At that point I decide to stay or to leave.

[@JessicaWeir-df2bw]

A book that really helped me as the family scapegoat was “The Anger Trap”. Toxic siblings and Narc parents will poke at you and set you up but don’t fall for it! (Your reaction plays into their desire to put the family garbage somewhere). For years I hosted which helped but eventually I had to separate with distance and just made my own family traditions.

[@JessicaWeir-df2bw]

To be clear I do love and forgive my family but I also have children one of whom has special needs. When my family couldn’t get a reaction out of me by bringing up old events or attacking my character, my mom and my twin sister started picking on my son’s behavior and his disabilities as if he could fix them (or as if I should/could). I held my tongue and stated that I heard what they were saying. But I left the event and just prayed over my family and cried all the way home. Sometimes the wicked are going to continue to be wicked. I won’t be visiting any time soon. I want to teach my children that it’s okay to set healthy boundaries and to stay away from abusive people when possible even if they are family.

[@terrihall829]

@@JessicaWeir-df2bw Thank you for sharing your experience and this book suggestion . I found it on Hoopla and look forward to reading it.

[@LindsayClancy]

You my lady, are brilliant. Watching all your videos now, and hoping 2 learn and survive this crazy paradox of family/ children. You are inspirational and insightful, and truly helpful with those navigating this experience. Thank you. I am so sorry for all of us having gone through this abuse, but also at the same time, so empowered. Education is key. The more we learn, the more we understand. Love u and identify 💯 with everything u say sister. Helps 2 know we are all not alone

[@ajcrum3689]

i’m actually sitting alone for Thanksgiving my hubby is in alaska and sons all out of town so my sweet neighbors have invited me over so i guess that’s where i will be . holidays is very hard but moving around from the military family can be ur neighbors and we have met many of friends who are now part of our family .

[@50hellkat2]

I feel and have felt your pain. So sorry. Your advice is very good.

[@JOHNTHEWHISK]

Toxic families use these get togethers to abuse the scapegoat/runt of the family. I started to dread going to my late dad's house for events/holidays, etc, because every time, i would be insulted in some way, multiple times during a visit, usually by one of my step brothers, who thought it was hilarious to try and humiliate me, and insult me in front of my son. I would sometimes leave their house in tears. When I finally started telling them I couldn't make it, I was deemed to be ungrateful and not family oriented.

[@50hellkat2]

What is wrong with getting up and leaving and telling whoever has started it up to get stuffed. Make sure you plan a quick exit re appropriate car parking, keys in coat pocket and inform your spouse to be prepared for this and have a signal. Give your spouse the ok to tell whoever is abusing you to get stuffed as well. Give the bullies some consequences to their actions and make it big. Narcissists do not like to be exposed and having their events where they are the centre of attention ruined. I call this technique the Go Big and Go Home. If you bring food take it in disposable containers so they have no excuse for contact and gaslighting.

[@Grrrrrrr123]

Narcmas is exhausting ❤

[@007nadineL]

😂😂😂😂❤❤

[@TinaLee-h6k]

Hi Chess. Thankyou. Unfortunately it took me till I was 60, to just let them go. I literally could not go on with them one minute. Im from a big family but never fitted in. Its a long story. It has hurt me for over a year now. But im much better place.

[@thescapegoatclub]

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through something similar. And also so glad you’ve moved forward. ❤️‍🩹🙂

[@elizabethdarley8646]

Same here, Tina. I went NO CONTACT with 30 people from last year and most of them I haven't seen since I was 14 anyway as my family cut me out when I was 15. I am over 60 now.

[@user-fs6ou3fk9p]

I've opted out.

[@ShaleenHawker]

Thanks for talk, most people never now how to be sincere and I think of the word narcissistic meaning:; reading it, it feels its is who I am, God please then change me. Model of the story is: Only what Christ thinks of me is important who I am and people are oblivious of your feelings and hurt or happiness. Best is to work out your one salvation That is the most importance in live.

[@daveanderson8776]

Thank you! !

[@tracyk8311]

I just ghost them 😅

[@thescapegoatclub]

Sometimes we do need a break and time to collect our thoughts, that's for sure. I think also it's important to think about how we want to act, and how that could affect us in the long run. I know I'm personally sick of hearing about how children are being immature by not speaking to their parents, so am in favour of taking a bit of a high road and being the adult in the relationship. But I also know that some situations are too toxic for that.

[@hatchet8209]

Holidays are pretty stressful preparing for it like cooking and decorating. Why not challenge yourself and be around that family and see how well you do? They are difficult people and you get experience with that.

[@50hellkat2]

What is wrong with getting up and leaving and telling whoever has started it up to get stuffed. Make sure you plan a quick exit re appropriate car parking, keys in coat pocket and inform your spouse to be prepared for this and have a signal. Give your spouse the ok to tell whoever is abusing you to get stuffed as well. Give the bullies some consequences to their actions and make it on a big holiday. The reason I say this is because the reason their toxic behaviour is at an all time holiday high is because they are banking you are likely to not want to ruin it by challenging them. They are covert cowards. Narcissists do not like to be exposed and having their events where they are the centre of attention ruined. I call this technique the Go Big and Go Home. If you bring food take it in disposable containers so they have no excuse for contact and more of their gaslighting.

[@claudiateve9559]

❤

[@AngelaPope-n4u]

No offense, but your family sounds dreadful. You seem like such a sweet person. Embrace your husband and keep estranged from all that toxicity. Praying for you. BTW, after my stepfather died, my brothers chose to put distance between us with no explanation. It hurt, but it's ok. I still love them and keep them in prayer. Best to you.

[@denisehay8895]

Apparently the police are called out to one serious domestic situation after another over the Christmas holiday. It really is very sad.

[@LSMH528Hz]

No contact has it's blessings. 😇 At least I won't have to endure all kinds of shenanigan derogatory comments and behavior under coercion of becoming accused of being the Xmas gringe for reacting. Yea, a good narcissist would abuse the Xmas spirit as well, and blame others. Gives me that warm Xmas feeling all over.... NOT ! For those who do have to attend, be diplomatic, like Chess said make up some excuse that limits your time you spend there. Try not to get "stuck" in "hanging around" longer then needed in some procrastinating way because the narcissists are experts in stalling. Perhaps waiting for the future fake to finally materialize with some Xmas magic ? Nobody should blame anybody for being the 1st to leave the party. And oh, try to stay sober because getting drunk won't help in socializing with narcissists much. I can imagine wanting to get violently drunk when confronted by narcmas, but at least if you must, try to do that to unwind when you're returned safely at home . Drinking in bad company is a bad idea. Yea, it would be better if we would all keep sober, but there's more then one reason people drink so much around the holiday's.

[@thescapegoatclub]

Right on! Staying sober is a great one to make sure we have our wits about us and remember everything. We can always go home and reward ourselves with a stiff drink afterwards. And if we're no contact- do a little festive toast to our bravery and lack of drama-filled holidays?

[@50hellkat2]

Alienation of affection and emotional withdrawal is abuse and nobody needs to stick around for it. Even dogs will run away if treated like this. Do not let these people get in your head. Move on. No point in wasting time on it.

[@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891]

Your channel would maybe be helpful if your family shared their side of the story. I would imagine they have a completely different view. In most relationships if there is a problem, it’s both party’s fault. Truth be told you are not completely innocent in this. It’s also an incorrect narrative to say that children always have valid reasons for estrangement. That is a false narrative that makes estrangers feel better about them shunning their families. Shunning your family is abuse and toxic. It seems that you did it for attention. You cut them off but yet you expected them to shower you with attention. You did it for attention and it back fired on you. You are trying to make money by encouraging shunning and that ruins families. You should focus on helping people reconcile, not shun their family. Also, antidepressants can make people see things differently. If you are taking anti depressants please know that they change your perceptions of your family’s actions.

[@melvinsmum2012]

Ive seen a few channels like yours, and most of the content creators like you, seem unable to accept other people are not perfect. I make no excuses for abuse physical or otherwise, but you and many others come across as very unpleasant. Im glad I have great relationships with my children and grandchildren, but if any were as fragile as you, Id be happy to be no contact with them. I bet your family will come to be glad you are out of their lives.

[@22Crystals]

How mean spirited you are.

[@melodeecurtis2999]

Wow! What a rude comment! I hope you or your family never feel what many children in this world feel. You sound heartless and like maybe you are the parent/grandparent who makes their children/grandchildren feel this way. By your comment I bet you are one of those parents. Just saying….

[@ruthbarnes9999]

Wow what a rude comment and how judgemental.

[@stephaniequattrini1665]

I wonder what your children and grandchildren really feel about you…. Time to take a long hard look at yourself.

[@notnow7973]

Holy moly! She seems unpleasant?! Have you had toxic people in your life?! The chaos and pain they cause is incredible and can be very destructive.