6 Qualities Of A Securely Attached Relationship

[@oznola1234]

My husband and I both have the secure attachment even prior to meeting each other. Now we are in a securely attached marriage. There are no games and no drama.. just a very stable relationship filled with trust and respect for each other and ourselves. We resolve conflicts willingly, and we communicate our needs and emotions. ♥️ I’m very grateful to God for this 🙏🏼

[@alyqat4]

It makes me happy just to know this is possible. God bless you! ❤

[@Healingflower313_]

How do you conflict resolution together?

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

a fake god didnt do it....

[@timmyalonzo5501]

@@gothboschincarnate3931I’m sorry for you and I pray that you may find love and happiness in your life.

[@timmyalonzo5501]

@@alyqat4thank you! God bless you, too! 🙏🏼❤️

[@Lr8_youtube]

1. Fair fighting, conflict resolution, fixing issues 2. Co regulation 3. Mutual trust 4. Empathy and validation and healthy expression of emotions 5. Safety 6. Realistic expectations

[@sasha_nivar]

it was 2019 when i realized i had an anxious attachment style and told myself that I want to become a more secure person and that I would do my best to become secure and have a secure relationship with my next partner. FRom 2019-2021 I've read books listen to audios wrote in my journal, crying, having new experience and meeting new people to grow and learn from. three years later and its 2021 I'm in a new relationship possibly the most secure relationship I've ever been in. as Heidi was waslisting the 6 qualities I smiled and nodded with each one that applied and that we have worked on. NO relationship is perfect and you wont always know what to do or say but with each passing day you improve

[@Healingflower313_]

Beautiful thank you for sharing! Updates?

[@meditationtoolsllc]

My husband and I did a whole year of videos on my channel of our personal journey into our traumas as children. We floundered and gave up. The past few days I have been listening to your videos, crying. I feel like you have given us a second chance. I don't see anyone covering REAL LIFE as a trauma survivor who wants to FIX the dysfunction. THANK YOU.

[@GeminiPlatypus]

Look at Brianna Macwilliam's work too

[@misspeach3755]

My parents have been married for 47 years. They have spent most of their life together with only a few days apart. I have seen them argue, reconcile, solve life's practical problems together, fall asleep on the sofa every evening together, navigate the economical hardships that our country's reunion brought (esp. for us in Eastern Germany), help each other through sickness and deaths of family members, and they still hold hands when they go for a walk after all these years! Whilst I've endured a lot of emotional neglect during my childhood, my parents' marriage is something I aspire (despite having an unhealthy penchant for DA/FAs due to my neglectful upbringing and my Dad's WWII trauma).

[@ameliamossley7160]

I sense your difficulty here....while your parents have 'modelled' a secure relationship between themselves, they have not directly shown these skills in their parenting and nurturing of you. I believe my husband has experienced the same sort of upbringing and displays heavily avoidant behaviour himself. Be kind to yourself on your healing journey ❤

[@mrstoner2udude799]

Commitment is a beautiful love language. ❤

[@inanitas]

I just realized that I was gaslighting myself lol. Dated an avoidant girl and she told me I'm too needy and stuff and I thought I was co-dependent. But no, I wanted to do the "empower to be independent" thing while she wanted the "I'll get back to you in 1-2 MONTHS because I'm stressed and I don't like that you have needs".

[@MeganS1995]

You're not alone there. Basically "let me teach you healthy"--followed by protest behavior of "no healthy, only fear!" and then you have that tension that you try to repair... and they don't want to have it so then there's that push and pull on their end while you're like "um, let me teach you the ebbs-and-flows of love". So, yeah, probably a common interpretation.

[@canyoupleaserunfast]

I reckon Im nearing the end of my journey of finally making it to the other side. From fearful avoidant to secure after many years of hard work. In my stage I find your videos on secure attachment specifically the best. It just brings me joy and peace to remind me how things should be as I keep forgetting. ❤

[@audrey6528]

Good for you! I will get there at some point! It’s a lot of work. 😅 -Icanonlyrunsofast

[@apskis]

I admit, listening to this felt like this was fake, like there are really people out there that have relationships like this? It sounded like a Disney movie to me, and I am stunned actually to know that it's possible to have a relationship like this. I will watch as many as I can on this topic in the hopes that it actually is true. I have personally never met a couple or relationship like this, or I haven't recognized it before. I am so thankful you are making these videos so people like me can learn that yes, your relationship can look and feel this way.

[@ayo__ayo]

It's probably because on the outside, it doesn't really look like anything, or it may look unloving, or rather, pretty mundane for lack of a better word. My mom is extroverted and my dad is more introverted. My mom will often go to parties and get togethers with friends, while my dad stays at home, and there's no issues about it. They're not often seen with each other. They'll yell at each other during arguments but that's the worst it gets. But they also will go on vacation together. I guess it looks boring, because there's not a lot of drama.

[@sbeducational214]

I love your honesty ❤ I never thought this was possible either but I entered therapy with this secure attachment as a goal of developing, through hard work, confidence building and changing my goals while dating (do I like this person vs obsessing over their thoughts and feelings towards me) I realized that no one besides us can make us happy or is responsible. The goal and expectation of my new relationships is how can we both support and love each other. How can I remain open and view this person as someone new and not someone who has hurt me (previous partners, family, friends)

[@LesleySASMR]

As someone who had a seriously anxious preoccupied attachment and coming from an enmeshed and codependent family and narcissistic abusive relationship, I started to cry at this video. I’m dating someone now who does all these things you mentioned and it feels scary and weird! But it also feels calming. I think he’s teaching me a more secure approach to relationships and I’m so grateful for this video to point out what might be obvious to some, but confusing to others ❤

[@sunbeam9222]

What do you mean by scary and weird? I 'd like to know:)

[@brandon_vega]

This is the best video ive found that describes what secure attachment looks like.

[@dianaalvarado1451]

This video was so incredibly helpful, I listened to it multiple times. I especially LOVED #2, when you said 'Come in closer not because you need me, but so I can remind you of all of the ways that you don't. That you are ok and capable and fully able to tackle life.' And #3, 'knowing that even if the worst thing happens, you might be heartbroken or sad but you will get through because you have the capacity to do that. I will be ok no matter what' Really helps dissolve anxiety, live in the moment and enjoy the relationship instead of worrying so much about the future.

[@dianaalvarado1451]

Also would love to use Super Thanks and send a contribution your way (you’ve helped me so much 😊) but I’m not seeing the button

[@audreykoller8006]

Yes! Love this and all of the attachment series from you. It is nice to hear more about the secure attachment as a model of what to follow. And I love that quote about the bird not fearing the branch will break because it trusts it's own wings. I love these illustrations you give. They help my brain so much! Thank you for all the time and work you put into these videos. Please keep making them!! 👍👍 I always get excited to see a notification from your channel!

[@rhonnieminnie]

I like the having realistic expectations part. I think a lot of times people forget about the 80/20 rule. I realized i loved my DA ex when one day he was annoying the crap out of me because he just wanted to prove he was right about something really insignificant. It meant to me, hey he isnt perfect, and thats ok. He used that same day to be like "hey, she isnt perfect so therefore i don't see a future with her"....

[@talvez6845]

Your internal organization is crystalline, thank you and I so appreciate the good examples!!

[@mscharleeann]

So glad to finally get to the point of watching Secure videos for exactly the reasons she mentioned.

[@antoniagwenyth9566]

Good to hear what to aim for! loving this whole series (including the family roles).

[@paulpgoddard76]

Just brilliant, this channel is gold. It feels like all the right issues are brought up and handled fairly, meaningfully, and clearly. Bravo!!!

[@lapindurand778]

Love this video. I have an avoidant attachement with my family, and I am glad to identify some caracteristics of a secure relationship in my romantic relationship, it makes me glad and able to appreciate my progress.

[@howtosober]

About your prologue, I think we all understand why you talk more about insecure attachment strategies, but without spending equal time on the 4th- secure- to give us a clear sense of what we are working toward, it's likely that people will be blindly feeling their way to security instead of having the goal articulated in front of them so we can be more intentional about reaching it.

[@beyourself9162]

Nice Video. Thanks to outlining that realistic expectations are NORMAL….😮

[@cy2206]

This is extremely helpful. I’ve not had a lot of experience on how this is done properly.

[@talorix]

Heidi just changed my life for the better! Loved this ♥

[@sherileyva5908]

The whole thing about the dishes made so much sense to me

[@preciousmousse]

Loving your videos on secure attachment! Been wasting so much time on getting too much information about how issues work already!

[@DanielDogeanu]

I swear that I have a revelation from every video of yours! You talk about each subject with extraordinary depth! Thank you for putting all the effort into making these videos! They are a true treasure trove!

[@purplemoose6431]

Outstanding video. I love the contrast between insecure and secure attachment styles

[@tomatoeggs48]

They know how to fight fair. Conflicts are bearable. For the most part both people are able to stay relatively regulated through conflict. There isn’t this urgency to sort out any conflict that arises right away or to push it completely under the rug. Conflicts can wait, both people can.

[@ilovelearning6529]

oh my god this is so accurate, especially the regulate codependency. I thought I was too “independent” while empowering my partner go do their own things. They often complain why I can separate individual problems vs couple emotional issues

[@musiklyfe7683]

It's been a minute since I've been able to watch some videos from you. And of course this is my first video coming back and you nailed it again. Thank you for taking the time to post these things for us to be able to use this free resources. I really appreciate what you do.

[@rebeccab2819]

Heidi, Thank you so much for sharing the beautiful quote at 5:45. ♥️ I greatly appreciate your videos and find them incredibly insightful. I've learnt so much from watching them. Thank you very much. 👏

[@charlienorfolk]

That was incredibly helpful. Particularly because you give examples. Thank you

[@lgroves336]

have NO expectations. you get NO disappoints. BE the MOMENT

[@philsmith5973]

Thoroughly understood Beautifully put. You really show authority (in the positive sense of the word) in the way you communicate this. Thank you 🙏🏾 I’ve subscribed!

[@locadeva]

this is exactly what I'm looking for. Thank you!

[@roxanakh2094]

I am primarily secure, but I feel like sometimes I can show signs of anxious attachments. I think when I was younger, I had a more anxious attachment style, but now I am more secure.

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤❤ excellent. Thanks for adding time stamps for rewatching 😉

[@sandraoettle1476]

Thank you! It is very helpful to see a what a healthy model as compared to an unhealthy model looks like.

[@sunbeam9222]

God so true. That's what happened in our FA/DA connection. Unrealistic expectations. My FA thought the relationship should take away all their anxiety and insecurities or it's the wrong relationship and I, on the other hand, was thinking my partner has to be perfectly reasonable all of the time or else they're not the right partner for me, my ideal partner would never get disregulated even for a min 🤦🤦

[@vahnni1]

I see now I have a very rational and secure relationship style. I became anxious in some relationships and now im seeing how it spiraled into that and thia video helped me stop questioning my own sanity lol

[@AliValentine143]

Grateful for the secure videos as I head that way on my long journey from Fearful-Avoidance. IDK when I'll feel secure enough to call my style secure and I don't know what I'll call it yet ha! Nuevo-SA with FA-Undertones? 😂

[@jordansharp7081]

No wonder i was so confused. Being with a disorganised attached partner i was going in secure and expecting all of this - and i was so confused why it wasn’t working. And its because he was expecting all of the opposite

[@michaellakyjonkova8495]

Fantastic video! Thank you for sharing!❤

[@limborom5977]

Heidi, I have watched a lot of your videos. I really enjoy your perspective on, and fleshing out of, some of what I would have otherwise passesed over as minutia. This new move in your formating is interesting. Not saying it is a bad thing, but it is going to take some getting used to. Anyways, I really hope you're move into fictional scenarios like this healthy attachment goes well.

[@maureenponderosa1904]

Really really good explanation. Especially #4. Thank you for your clarity.

[@mrstoner2udude799]

Excellent. Thank you Heidi. ❤️

[@goofywill90]

Man her eyes are gorgeous

[@thelightnessofbeing-asmr6505]

Very helpful, thank you Heidi x

[@corinnemorse]

I'm newly delving into attachment theory and I am definitely avoidant, and working on it. Your videos have been hugely helpful. My close circle is small (of course) but I'm realising now that I don't think anyone in my circle is entirely secure! I am trying to find a role model to learn from, where would you go for that?

[@TheExecutiveFunctionTherapist]

1) I love your work! Thank you so much for what you put out in the world. Your videos are so thoughtful and insightful--I find them to be a wonderful resource, and I've gotten so much from them. 2) I can't help but notice that some of your descriptions in this video seem very aligned with the avoidant tendencies you have disclosed elsewhere. For instance, you describe healthy co-regulation as being like "coaching" or "a pep talk." My sense is that it has more to do with something like Gottman's idea of attunement--helping a partner identify their feelings, nonjudgemental reflective listening back and forth until you truly understand their internal stories and contexts for those feelings, and supportive empathetic statements. Although this can be called "emotion coaching" in some contexts, it's pretty different from a pep talk. Also, whether it is needed or appropriate has nothing to do with how rational the partner's feelings are, or with whether they are primarily about the situation at hand or primarily about older wounds. Similarly, when securely attached people trust each other, they genuinely trust each other. Yes, they also trust themselves, and trust that they will be OK in the case of betrayal--but on the whole, they also truly trust their partners to be there for them. I would *LOVE* to see your thoughts on Gottman's "The Science of Trust," which describes healthy relationships with considerable detail and mathematical rigor. Thank you again for your great work, and I look forward to continuing to follow it. :)

[@fabuloussloth8670]

All of this is new to me… (insecure/anxious preoccupied attachment)

[@helgacobian1915]

Wow Heidi you are good ....what great videos...how great you talk!

[@BloodhoundRanch88]

Shared with a friend! Thank you!

[@Mart-Bro]

Good shit Heidi keep it up

[@keneiloemokhatla7105]

Never been loved before so i feel like no guy will feel like losing me is losing someone important.from a very long toxic relationship.im constantly imagining scenarios in which he leaves me and finds someone more lovely.Trying.still working on my self on how to allow myself to be loved and how to feel worthy.

[@lisahealthyhair]

Great video! Just a comment though, when you say “in securely attached relationships”, it sounds like you are saying “insecurely attached relationships” so it might be confusing to some people 😊

[@eniggma9353]

Don't stop the good work 😉

[@A1FitnessCenterCT]

I'd just like to know how to secure our relationship Heidi. -Westwiss In westhaven ❤ And by that I mean. great content! Please don't block me

[@ASa-lq5it]

Is it possible to have a secure attachment with someone and go back to an insecure attachment style with another person if one is for example in a rough time in their life? I feel like this happened to me, where I dealt with an avoidant and became anxious again.

[@tomriordan6008]

As a divorced person who is just starting to date again, I would like to know how I can quickly determine on a first date what someone's attachment style is because I keep running across avoidant types who are so afraid of intimacy and losing their freedom that it is almost cartoonish and ultimately I end up feeling sad for them because they can't let people in and trust people.

[@misspeach3755]

You can recognize avoidants easily. They show very little facial expressions, esp. when nobody is looking. Their eyes are empty and their overall expression gives off a vibe of "leave me alone/I don't want to be involved/mind your own business/I hate you". They oftentimes wear black or are dressed very sloppily because they're too exhausted (underlying lack of self-worth/trauma reaction mechanism of freezing) to dress up or because of their (self-)hatred they project onto others (in more extreme cases). They talk about themselves a lot and don't ask questions about you because they assume a lot about others instead of asking. They have a very passive approach to everything and are oftentimes very judgemental. A securely attached person will reciprocate your emotions during a conversation (without mirroring them in a manipulative way like a covert narcissist does). They'll pick up on your signals, use "WE" instead of "I" more often. They usually have a circle of friends with one or two best friends who they've known for a long time (that can also apply to an FA). Grandiose/overt narcissists are the easiest to spot. I usually observe my own intuitive/unconscious reactions to someone. When I feel uncomfortable with them or I react to them in a very awkward way, I know my gut instinct is warning me. I have come to the conclusion that there must be far fewer securely attached people than statistics imply (statistics say it's around 50 % of the population, which I highly doubt. It feels more like 25 %. Even being married for a long time doesn't mean there isn't an underlying unhealthy FA-DA or other dynamic going on.)

[@MrsAngloOrtho]

If you are so frequently being drawn to avoidants, you are probably anxiously attached. If you work on your own secure attachment, you will find and attract secure people.

[@tomriordan6008]

Wow thank you for such a comprehensive reply! One of the people I am talking about dressed in very unattractive baggy clothes on our first date and although I liked her, I didn't want to kiss her because of the way she was dressed. @@misspeach3755

[@PJCelis]

@@MrsAngloOrtho 100%. The book "the human magnate syndrome" explains this dynamic very well.

[@sivezt]

If co-regulation is appropriate then why is it demonized? I have always been told that needing exterior reassurance is a sign of co-dependency, when i see it as a significant sign of a healthy relationship.

[@melissafennemore5848]

Thank you so much for making this video! Good point, we hear so much about being insecurely attached but what do we do when we want to change to being securely attached? There seems to be hardly any information about how to become securely attached.

[@deia-says]

Thank you for this video. I was wondering how does a healthy relationship look because often we are focused on the problems and issues.. Having seen this video I don't think I know many people in secure relationships (I am working on my avoidance as well) so it is good to have it modeled. When watching the video I was like; wow, are there actually couples like that? :) hehe

[@ChaiTogether]

I can’t buy milk at a hardware store❣️

[@Aftermyownheart]

So good.❤

[@Victor_Grimaldi95]

Your Canadian accent is so cute 😂❤🍁

[@Idiosyncratic_flow]

thank youuuuuuuu so necessary

[@cisco3790]

Is this for two secure attachment styles or two people with any attachment style in a secure relationship? Hopefully that made sense lol

[@MattWellandMiscMarvels]

How the heck did you figure all this out?

[@xoxo3703]

You’re so pretty

[@Thebestsalonandbarbershop]

Did you make a video how to go from avoidant to secure

[@LoveTruth44]

uuuugh !!! in my newly-aware delusional fantasy, I wanted all those expectations listed in #6 to be TRUUUE !!! 😫😩

[@jbeezy8245]

Thank you

[@WolfsKonig]

As a secure type why am I always dating someone who is disorganized?

[@obdnanrsmith8572]

The milk is in the break room fridge! Might be 3 months old though.....

[@doreenlane2370]

I thought you were going to say that there is more trust in a secure relationship because they are trustworthy

[@patricknelson1471]

stunning

[@catsaresocute650]

#2 so nice #3that's good not bad - it's safe to know that #4oh yeah am guilty on the opposit of good but I see the need #6 yeah but also why Not. I mean I would never want them to fix anything, but to stay exactly at the bounderies I want them at I guess in explaining I am Lex Friedmanns opposit. Like I do not want any push and pull no-one to come after me and my bounderies absolut. Like a realtionship that's clear on I am hear, this is my place, be my companion, but be that at allocated space? Not in the sense of being an appointment, but being how to say it understand my way of bounderies? Like I am me don't dare get anywear emotionaly or in my space where I don't expressly want you. But then I love to show people things so it should be fine? Because it should always be clear where I want engagment with.

[@catsaresocute650]

Am why am I even asking

[@tsurek]

Laymen’s terms please!

[@tulip5210]

Whenever you say in secure it sounds like you are saying insecure so it was majorly confusing me

[@Kain5th]

Turn on the closed captioning next time?

[@kayleedavenport5052]

Where is that quote from?

[@tulip5210]

4:17 I really want to see what that looks like

[@sabrinacz]

12:09 😮

[@aliveslice]

3:40 5:48 7:30 haha that's me

[@ephajanke3242]

I am a little irritated by: "You know, the worst thing could always happen, Your partner betray you in a massive way." I don´t think/ hope so that is true for everyone AND contradicts the chapter´s title: "A strong sense of mutual trust". Of course people hurt each other in relationships, it´s part of it, but IF this would happen like you expressed it, people "slept" in their relatitionship, the partners did not know/ feel important feelings, needs, problems etc. and/ or are not able to communicate them properly for whatever reason. For me this is the opposite of a secure attachment. But maybe you just used a too strong word. Otherwise love your content very much and I am thankful for it.

[@Oceanmachine27]

She's saying that a securely attached person will trust in a relationship even with the knowledge that it could possibly fail someday, as unlikely as that may be. They aren't constantly fretting and panicking over whether the relationship will come to an end for some minor reason, because they know that they could weather the end of the relationship if they had to. A betrayal of trust is just one hypothetical way that a relationship could be broken in a sudden and extreme way, not necessarily that it WILL happen.

[@DanielClementYoga]

We don't get along with others long-term. Period.

[@noturbo]

does anyone even have this style? 😭

[@caguilar51505]

More than half of people do

[@noturbo]

that means i am screwed then 🤗

[@caguilar51505]

@@noturbo you have a 50% chance of finding someone with one which should make it easier to heal your own attachment style. But honestly most ppl with secure attachment mistype themselves as having insecure attachment cuz nobody ever thinks they're healthy lol

[@zoopothecary]

I actually do… now, after many years of therapy, self-work, experience AND a partner who’s personality type complements mine and and who has been very patient as I’ve learned healthier ways of acting. As someone who had dysregulated attachment from early life, I can say that 1. Securely attached relationships can seem boring, if you are used to drama and trauma. 2. Observing a secure and healthy relationship model (in my case my now in-laws) can really help if you are working on your own attachment issues.

[@ilsecastillo2335]

🙏❤️🙏🙏

[@tp5com]

The dishes argument example at 7:30 feels extremely familiar and accurate :D

[@Saphirefenix]

Okay, now what if we both had bad days and one needs space and one needs comfort? Who sacrifices for the other?

[@mikemhz]

Nobody sacrifices. The one who needs comfort must recognise that their partner is not available to meet that need in the moment and practice self soothing or speak to a friend. It's one thing to say sorry I can't be what you need right now because I have to be alone, and quite another to say I'm sorry for forcing you to spent time with me when you really need space.

[@monicaprivate]

​@@mikemhz excellent reply, thank you

[@frankyavery]

ommmggggg I've graduated from anxious to secure! Huzzah!

[@mscharleeann]

92K Likes, but only 37K views? 🤔🧮❓