60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 31/33 - Unhealthy Toolbox

[@susie5254]

My poor mother suffered all her life and she thought she was helping me by advising me to distract myself so as not to be paralyzed by my pain. 30 years later I thought I was helping my daughter when I told her the same thing. 30 years later she told me that she cannot focus because she has been trying to distract herself from the pain for so long. She's not having kids so I guess the cycle has ended. Not feeling positive when I write that. Feeling guilty and sad.

[@MsFeliciaG]

Sending love 💚

[@ScoutGrey]

peace be with you susie

[@willtroy1986]

Oh man Susie, sending love to you. I’m impressed you have the courage to admit this to yourself, and wish you only the best going forward; the hardest part is telling the truth.

[@lenianakoroleva4100]

❤

[@rochellebroglen4155]

I know your original comment is a couple of years old. I hope you've found Grace and compassion for yourself. I passed on cycles of trauma to my daughters too and understand how difficult, grievous, it is to develop awareness after they're grown. I think a lot of women, in our generation, are facing that same pain. To me, the worst part of C-PTSD is that we passed it on. It's a burden they never should have carried. Please be gentle with yourself. We did what we learned. There's no shame in being injured. Culturally, we just didn't have awareness. We were taught to dismiss and invalidate our emotions, and the injuries we sustained. We thought that was "strength". We had no healthy frame of reference. How would we have known? I know "the best we could" didn't meet their needs, but if shame and judgment made the injuries worse, they'll never make it better. The very best gift you can give to your daughter now is the healthy and stable Mom she still needs. Your healing has a ripple effect. The fact that you're learning is huge. So many are unable to face their trauma or even acknowledge the legitimacy of their children's pain. That you're able to see her is powerful and will make a difference in her own healing. Please keep doing the work. You deserve to be well. You deserve your own compassion. It wasn't your fault that you didn't know. Sending love and intentions for your path to be gentle 🙏💕

[@Rose_Ou]

I escape into daydreaming, youtube, movies, instagram. I could do that all day every day. My life finally crushed me a year ago and at 48 I'm done, I just need an exit, preferably a painless one. 48 years in survival mode with CPTSD and PTSD combined. I avoid people and cannot afford therapy. I've been very much into mindfulness and meditation for a few years but the pain is just too much I can't handle it any more. I can't seem to move forward. My profession is basically dying, translating has been taken over by machines and I feel unemployable and a failure. The worst is I can't force myself into anything new, the fear is so strong that I'd rather end things than send my resume or be tested and interviewed ever again. I don't want to prove anything to anyone, I just want to live in an old house somewhere far from people and civilization and die in peace. I want out..

[@lesliegrewing3399]

Rose, I recently discovered ACA (adult children of alcoholics). You. Might to consider that group as an option. It’s free, the people are so loving and they have a support each other to be healed.

[@Rose_Ou]

@@lesliegrewing3399 thank you Leslie. My parents were 100% sober highly narcissistic/psychopathic monsters so I'm not sure if I qualify but I'll look into it ❤

[@angela_tarantulas]

Please don’t give up ❤ I’m 40 and also still healing… You are important and your soul matters ❤️

[@nimmy4111]

@rose_Ou Please don't feel that way! Happy to talk if it helps you...❤

[@lesliegrewing3399]

@@Rose_Ou Adult Children of Alcoholics and those from DYSFUNCTIONAL families. I’m sure they will welcome you with open arms. They will understand your heart and help you to heal your heart. I’m 71 yrs old and have hope that some of the pain in my heart can be diminished.

[@karstenburger9031]

I never saw such a clear and complete overview of trauma before, thank you very much. This is really helpful. Best wishes for a healthy and happy life!

[@RA-ms3je]

You tube and daydreaming is my escape from thinking of the trauma and pain Cptsd from a life changing illness and betrayal from my narcissistic mother and two other family members.. I have gone no Contact, and currently going through the process of emotionally distancing myself from them. Having sleep ,memory and concentration problems. I need therapy but cant find a therapist who understands this

[@mm669]

I'm in the same spot. It's also confusing figuring out how long to be in the pain in the sense of does sitting there and remembering every detail, ruminating, and getting angry all over again, help process the pain or does it just retraumatize? Also, for me, it's hard hearing through the distant grapevine how well my estranged family members are doing while I've been struggling. I know I can't unsee them now. I can't go back into the family system and accept the crumbs they use to throw me, but it's all so painful. I thought distancing would not bring new problems, but it did. I tried therapy when I first left and got a horrible, horrible abusive one right when I was the most vulnerable. The second one did not understand at all. He was dismissive saying stuff like everyone has a difficult family members. He referred me to mediation classes. It was superficially helpful but also damaging because I wasn't heard. Anyway, I think we are on the right track with Tim Fletcher. We just have a lot of scary work ahead of us. I don't want to stay victim.

[@username14680]

Literally needed this. 😢Today I woke up like: I CANT ADULT TODAY. and face planted back to bed

[@marthawhite3353]

Ping! ping! ping !!! these comments are all pinging off of my deep emotional truths. I have to listen to your videos over a few times so I can really get it down deep. Thanks so much for speaking these truths - you are bringing great help to many people.

[@Lezlee-abcxyz]

I can't believe I've been living with this for 53 years... Tim, you are saving so many lives with your lectures. I can't believe what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just knowing that somebody has figured it out

[@rochellebroglen4155]

The first one; grief..... When I was 8, my Mom's partner was killed. He and his daughters lived with us. I was visiting my Dad, on summer vacation when it happened. No one even told me, but I'd overheard my Grandma talking about it. I immediately asked her and she lied. She said she was talking about someone else. But I knew. When I got back home, my Mom had already managed to stuff it down and put her "big girl panties" on. Because they weren't married, culture saw their relationship as less valid. There was no room for her grief. But she didn't just lose him. She also lost children. The girls went back to their Mom. I never got to say goodbye. They were already gone when I got home. We just resumed life. She buried herself in work and distracted herself with men. I hated her next boyfriend. The perspective of the adults in my life was that I was being a brat. I remember very little from the next few years. The things I do remember were pretty bad, like CSA and being bullied. The crazy thing is, when I was 42, I began to understand that my childhood was "traumatic". I knew all of those things had happened, but I'd learned to completely dismiss and invalidate myself and my feelings and experiences. I had all of the symptoms, but I couldn't understand why. Aside from the CSA, which I didn't think had impacted me, I didnt think my childhood was "that bad". I began the discovery journey and searched my memory for the causes. It took me at least a year to even think of his death. It was so off of my radar, I didn't even occur. I can see it from an adult perspective now and know it affected me. But I've never been able to touch into what I must have felt. The paradigms back then were "kids are resilient" and he was "just" her boyfriend. Culturally, we all were so ignorant. I'm so grateful we're developing awareness. It's time to end the cycles. Our children deserve so much better.

[@PaigeSquared]

I wish my mom would acknowledge this last paragraph!! Her entire existence is a fragile balance of denial and control. It took me a solid 30 years to figure out that her fears, the way she taught me to live (pain avoidance), weren't valid for every human, not for the entire world. She now seems to think I am an idiot when I know I am being strong. I was sort of hoping she would be able to start learning with me. My desire to be functional for my son is not a rejection of her.

[@BBK96]

Im gonna draw a picture of two tool boxes and write all my unhealthy tools inside one and all my healthy tools into the other and as i work to collect more healthy tools i hope that eventually ill have more healthy tools to work with than unhealty ones

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I’ll do that too…..thanks!

[@lisawhitehall1870]

Cool...I am visual..great idea! ty

[@jamesstanton3280]

I like this

[@TheNerd840]

That’s a beautiful idea, thank you for sharing. I will be doing the same!

[@octaviahh8774]

I love this idea 💡

[@scotnick59]

OMG: life can be so complex yet so simple: we CAN overcome all this junk: takes a LOT of inner work BUT the outcome is really worth it= Namaste, Kirk

[@holyspiritofyah]

Jesus loves you

[@apocalypticdaze2139]

Delusional

[@crjoymanifesting]

I love how I check all the boxes on all your talks! I’m not crazy!

[@lalaland3928]

I watch these videos at least half of my day. I work 10 hour shifts at a warehouse. So I spend my time in between working to get help for myself. For some underlying issues I mask 😷 with everyday life challenges. I see now we all face! This is a great 😊 thing this man is doing. It’s therapy for me it’s feeing my hungry soul. Love 💕 knowledge too. When no one in your life understands this man understands and I understand you too. #workinprogress

[@helenwarren5217]

My hardest time in recovery has been to connect witb others because i grew up trying not

[@helenwarren5217]

As a child i tried not to have any needs from my parents.

[@healingandgrowth-infp4677]

@@helenwarren5217 I was told at 4 years old not to come to my narc mother for any needs n to do it myself So I have then it was reversed when I was turning into an adult she controlled everything even what I should wear the day

[@MsFeliciaG]

This information is at times hard to hear. But needed to help heal. 34:18 getting to what’s healthy so healing can happen is good.

[@marcoguerrera8051]

I've been listening to these talks for the past three years. I just want to express my tremendous gratitude for your work. It has given me so much insight and tools. TY

[@hillarylarson4780]

I love these videos! They make me judge myself way less and understand what I went through a lot more. Thank you.

[@healerscreek]

I can see how religious/martyr type narcissists could take this Bible story about how God had a plan for Joseph and twist it into making themselves so special, unique, and chosen that God made a plan for their life because they're so f**king special so much that they're better than everyone else. However, Joseph learned to be humble through his experiences, not narcissistic. Interesting perspective. I used to love Bible stories and their lessons as a child, but hate and do not respect "religion". Thanks Tim for making it less icky and less narcissistic. I accidentally heard one of your Christian parts in the vids and now look forward to your Bible storytelling gifts. Many thanks!

[@jcepri]

I've already had two major breakthroughs in understanding the chaotic household I grew up in 50+ years ago there are no words to say. how grateful I am for sharing your wisdom with us. You truly are a gift from above.

[@Explorerlaur]

Thank you thank you thank you ❤

[@user-eo3ny4jc5p]

Getting this guys help has a price tag over $1500.00 and up! Thanks bub, Can’t afford you

[@KBArchery]

Well good counselors are $200 an hour now. That’s 7 sessions for $1500.

[@ellenhuse2025]

@@KBArchery They have lots of other programs that cost less. But the LIFT program is my best investment ever.

[@KCBfly25]

I hear ya. But he's got tons of vids on here, so it while not the same as 1 on 1, they can help. There's also a guy named David Kessler; he's a grief specialist. Grief in anything- death, divorce, kids, etc. He's on KZbin & also has a lot of helpful mental health info.

[@nevisuristio7938]

I never had what I should’ve had growing up, therefore I cope, I adapt with all unhealthy toolbox which I learned from my parents as well.

[@monicaLynn7]

This is a FANTASTIC video!!!! WOW!!!!! Thank you! 😊

[@JuliefromBrighton]

Thanks!

[@gb259]

Who am I then?? This is has been my life for 30 years. What will life be like without this now? Woah, this is a bit much and I feel so scared of it

[@gameaudioshaman]

Hope u doing well.

[@dawnm887]

Great question!! Who are we then?

[@pelicanseven]

Hello, where can I find the healthy toolbox. I check many of the boxes of the unhealthy toolbox, and unfortunately I do not even know what that looks like, a healthy toolbox. Is there a video about what it looks like to use healthy ways to communicate and have your needs met? Thanks!

[@lizettevanhuyssteen680]

Whether you're a Christian or not, the most focused solution would be to study the way Jesus related and responded to different people and situations as documented in the Bible. Ideally, compare what you see in Him with what Tim has described in this video. Then try to identify and name the healthy alternatives that you spot in Jesus one by one. This will provide you with an excellent blue print for a healthy toolbox.

[@KCBfly25]

@@lizettevanhuyssteen680You don't need to be religious to be a good person. This person isn't asking for a conversion.

[@tearthangel373]

This sounds like everyone I know! We are all broken and forgiven

[@tearthangel373]

God never forced His will and gives us freedom to choose light or darkness

[@tearthangel373]

I had too many rapes and trauma.

[@tearthangel373]

Thank you

[@vilmavanoverbeck1188]

You are so far in You tube the ever great teacher ever! That actually are saving lives. Blessings.

[@helenwarren5217]

I probably used every tool you listed.I got to make up coping skills which caused more hurt.As a person in recovery i failed when my husbandd died i didnt reach out to people in recovery for help.I relaspx at 16 years.

[@vilmavanoverbeck1188]

You are a blessing for humans in this life time.

[@melreagardner]

Blessing upon blessing. Thank you so much. Gen 50:20 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

[@mienmiennn]

Thank you for these wonderful videos really helpful

[@Blessedbereanmamma]

Deep pain from abuse I didn’t realize was abuse from being preyed on by an older guy when I was only 16 I would wander into the local brush near my home growing up go hiking collect feathers leaves etc and fill up a whole journal just dedicated to him and love poems and pour my damn heart out. I had no idea how much he didn’t deserve it. Ended up burning that journal I put some of my best words In because it was a fruitless deed. I drank ALOT too mom didn’t seem to care. Drinking was no longer fun by the time I was 21 .. smoked cigarettes struggled with self harm. Some ppl I know from older generations will bring up their own hardships and try to shame you for your emotions saying you’re selfish or it’s NOTHING compared to what they had to go through in their time to have a better life. Let’s stop shaming our children. Their feelings are valid. Some of us DO need to be humbled but some of us cause ourselves more pain by self punishing already thinking that means we’re humble. It takes another secure emotionally present and noticing of their child’s emotions type of intelligence to really see WHAT they need from you or how you can help them or teach them to cope with their style of venting. To teach your children to NOT harmfully ruminate to let them know they can freely share and openly express their concerns and emotions and not squash them or feel judged for them is SUCH a gift. I’m a mom now and I’m trying my best to work on me and be more aware for the next generation etc

[@kimjohnson8471]

God knew that I was ready to hear this today. Tyvm and God bless you 😂

[@MaritRonning777]

Fletcher always Just hammer the nail(s)

[@goldenrulebanner2896]

So helpful! Thank you!

[@Lezlee-abcxyz]

We don't mean to be angry and lash out but it's a response to being overwhelmed and needing a way to get it out... Getting out and taking a walk and sometimes the best thing to do

[@lilysunshine3447]

Lessons of being normal. Positive behaviors. Healthy emotions.

[@daveprout7859]

This is SO GOOD

[@neferzoe]

Great lecture

[@carolgarrett1786]

Thank you. This was really a good one for everyone 👍

[@mrmeiii5666]

Thank you 🙏

[@briieme]

How can I know the healthy tools

[@Yellow-yd6cz]

Thank you.🌲

[@matildabanana3516]

Thank you for that interpretation of Joseph in Egypt. I love that story and I have thought about applying it to my trauma, but this helped solidify the idea. Thank you so much!

[@needsmorecowbell1758]

Wow this just uncovers so much that was underlying all these years. My brain exploded

[@estebanmontes5070]

I hear the examples but would like to hear the healthy counter actions to these or alternatives.

[@terotivities6731]

Wow😮 I have most of these tools in my tool box.

[@rayrayrayrayray79]

Complex trauma bingo is fun! Obsessively over-analyse, obsessively worry, find fault in others to keep distance, judge normies, constantly aware of danger BINGO! I find all of these videos helpful and I appreciate you posting. Thank you.

[@hman9581]

10:00 - Quick fixes

[@Anne-ku3lj]

Tim this is great. One thing however. Many people with c-ptsd do not go on to become the prime minister of a powerful nation. No. Their lives are just ruined. For example yes I’m a great therapist myself now. But I work with equally great therapists, some better than me, who haven’t experienced trauma at all. So I’m sorry but I don’t really buy the idea that all this hurt was for a greater good. Your knowledge is phenomenal and thank you for these videos

[@Enfpmom]

I needed to be busy all day whether through work or caretaking codependency

[@nonrorro]

Where may I receive the healthy tools you mentioned? How may I contact you for consultation?

[@nadineprice1753]

My life to the letter. 😢

[@NarrelleChain]

I don't remember having pain or being sick, Dad wasn't fit to deal with any of that, my grandmother was though, luckily I did get food poisoning once on the day she came, every Thursday, bless Mardy!😂😂🎉🎉

[@NarrelleChain]

Did he miss medicate, pills, drugs, alcohol and a bit of recovery time alone at home nursing horrific migraine, hangover, also severe depression, horrific depression!❤❤Does he understand addiction, strange I thought he did, also depression, he never mentions depression, this is huge!

[@jeanmarieobrien8254]

❤❤❤wow you’re on to it 2024

[@ingridmorgan7893]

He is really good at identifying the issues. But really short on the solutions. I’m really getting frustrated with this series.

[@fatumakim4217]

Ja I feel your pain I hope to find more of his videos that details how we can try to undo some of this stuff in us

[@spamlavelle8717]

He’s got so many series. You need to dig around. If u think u are done with listening to all the problems u are experiencing then u can try to find those with solutions in it or join his healing programs.

[@deadinside8781]

See if Dr.K can help. He’s from healthy gamer gg and I’ve never felt this way because of him. But you can also google worksheets and certain phrases. I wanted to train my subconscious to trust me so I googled worksheets in developing self trust.

[@anamikavarun8757]

The solutions are paid. Check his website

[@Moreinyoufaith]

You can’t get to the solution without understanding you have a problem. Many counselors discuss the problems so people go to a counselor. Many things will be specific to you. Counselors help you to sort out which tools you need to include in your toolbox and how to implement it.

[@svetlanatimofeyeva7108]

There is no way out of this hell, damage is done. time is ran out. I don't even care about my healing anymore, i just wait time to pass.

[@karenjones1897]

can anyone give me an idea of when the 1/60 for this series started?

[@susie5254]

Part 1 was streamed in March, 2021.

[@karenjones1897]

@@susie5254 thank you

[@susie5254]

@@karenjones1897 you are very welcome 😁

[@carolgarrett1786]

Yes, I am looking for a way to get all of these in order, too.

[@carolgarrett1786]

​@@susie5254Okay so, how do we find/go back to, The beginning? Are these available on another format besides You Tube?

[@tearthangel373]

Let’s be done with self sabotage

[@Leppalimes]

22:45 Adam Warlock tried this one, it just about caused the end of the universe multiple times. Jokes aside the moral of the story is you can do just as much damage and self-sabotage when working out of your cortex as you can working out of your limbic system.

[@Lore788]

Amen!

[@ladylucy9]

❤ love it !

[@georgiakritikos4955]

Good Work ,❤Sir

[@elijimenez7710]

47:29 ❤

[@PassionateFlower]

I begged for a man to be my boyfriend because I thought it would solve my problems and I thought he was the love of my life. Once he committed to me and opened up about his past I find myself physically recoiling from physical intimacy with him 💔 He is heartbroken and I am devastated 😔 I want to run away. He's so handsome and fun and sweet and excitingand smart and interesting, but I just want to run away and never come back

[@deadinside8781]

Personally I think this can be fixed by remaining friends. Traumatized people tend to think of each other as siblings, especially if they were aware they’re not the only ones suffering and those who have a different trauma or seem to do well on their own won’t mind having a friend. Give it a shot. It was a mistake, sure but not out of malice. Make the offer and give him time if he needs it whilst being more curious about yourself.

[@TheMASDrummer]

To be honest, it is true that big boys don't cry. Showing weakness as a male is always, always bad; its a sad fact of life.

[@anabltc]

overachiever to underachiever pipeline is real

[@becky7008]

I need some help

[@sab_1055]

ground breaking

[@karinemanukyan2584]

So true

[@OpalRonning]

I see what was in my tool box was anger, and ignore

[@sirius1075]

Thank you for the Christian portion. I needed that reminder today.

[@katebueno191]

And this mental brake down you trying to give me or to make me question myself. I talk about things that have not happen yet. Granted. I know things people don't know. But never have I ever in any of those things which all coming true. Done what you do e here !!!

[@tearthangel373]

Most people want their own way 👨

[@Mrs_PinkMarie77]

Again, can you please go deeper with the healthy tools? 😅 Like maybe you can give the healthy opposites of unhealthy tools you listed? It feels like the time you spend on the healthy aspects are so much shorter and not as in depth. ❤

[@PaigeSquared]

The intention is to show people there is something wrong. The treatment is pretty standard.

[@PaigeSquared]

"there is not a quick fix for it."

[@hman9581]

$1,000,000 Question - Wonder what is the solution?

[@rosie21nify]

Be a human .... feel. Love ...

[@christiansmith-of7dt]

1859 to the present thats the true one

[@elisangelteixeira]

📢 SOCORRO! Ei você aí, por favor avisa esses malucos que torturar as pessoas é crime.

[@Cymricus]

my toxic trait is i do 90% of all of these

[@yakopro49]

Lol look at yourselves in the mirror before you point the finger Undo the misery done to your faces then come to me. ALL GLORY GOES TO THE MOST HIGH JC

[@tearthangel373]

My porn addicted x gaslighted me and chronically lied to me

[@chatitup2943]

You didn't say what the healthy tools are, you just talked about all the bad tools, so name the good tools

[@GloriaWatkins-c2u]

So much emphasis is about drama u sanitation mental gymnastics hyjacked. I'm old too tired the young 40. 50s bankrupt abuse to get reaction explaining cup of coffee shamed for age shamed to death. Who has job if in apts with hudge households of stare chase bad smells bad behaviour pleathora no empatby or thankfulness. Now now. Lies believing with the lie.

[@dimerciflour5902]

I have watched these for 3 weeks now. Yes definitely maladaptive tools and my parents actually disinherited me. Threw me out very young. I did some to my children too. But God. You don’t sound full of faith. There should be more keys and Hope here. I do have church counseling. You call it short cuts and magic but without Jesus I would be miles behind. I like your analysis of Joseph. Lots of troubled people in the Bible. But I’m saved - a new creature. Prayer works for real. By faith this mtn is moving. I only need very little time identifying. I’ll unsubscribe now. Thank you though.

[@KARENboomboomROXX]

60? Jesus. C'mon man. Maybe 10. Let's stop being so crazy.

[@skepticalpanda8862]

The way you paint people who are just trying to survive when their trauma can literally be disabling is sickening. There's nothing wrong with needing more support because the world fucked you over as a kid. There's nothing "manipulative" about understanding that what you went through is making your life harder to cope with and asking for more support. Jfc

[@skepticalpanda8862]

"using the pain as a tool". More like "shaming survivors for seeking support, understanding their mental/emotional limitiations and setting boundaries.".

[@skepticalpanda8862]

Like what the fuck am I supposed to do work despite having what is defined as an actual fucking disability? Is acknowledging my condition is disabling fucking manipulative? Fuck you

[@andrewprzybylowicz7370]

Why criticize victims of abuse as not having a "toolbox"? That is cruel

[@traceykemple2768]

I think he means they weren't given any by their care takers. They weren't modeled any. So they had to develop their own and these generally become the unhealthy coping mechanisms we carry into adulthood.

[@deadinside8781]

It’s nothing personal. Literally none of us were born with a manual and our trauma changes how we function. This world already doesn’t suit a non traumatized person and those without traumas or large ones still need this manual. Like how to handle a shitty boss, a break up, self doubt, anger and grief to name a few.

[@georgiakritikos4955]

diet. Sleep & excercise, what is it & what does it d00 FOR mE & YOU ❤IF I TOLD YOU FOCUS YE' FUNCTION STRAIGHT AHEAD _ WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT ❤

[@georgiakritikos4955]

AMEN❤📚❤️💯🎬🎥🔎

[@SelahMae-n5x]

Thank you ❤