A common misunderstanding about marriage

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#marriage #relationship #psychology

[@kurt6518]

Absolute worst advice I was ever given about marital harmony was “happy wife, happy life”. WRONG!!

[@Darwin_Somtoo]

The quote is not wrong.. But the problem is that, if you're the one expected to make the wife happy, then you're in for a long ride. The quote applies only with women who are already happy from within. Because if you marry an unhappy woman, you can never succeed in making her happy. So... A happy wife, is indeed a happy life...

[@cushpnk]

​@@Darwin_Somtoo Wisdom, big man.

[@thorie79]

@@kurt6518 A woman doesn't know what makes her happy. She just thinks she does, with confidence. Or it's something that brings momentary happiness, rather than essential and existential happiness. It's the job of the man to be able to operate outside of extreme emotional influence, and guide the family to long term success. Short term happiness is not the goal.

[@jakobbednarchuk5761]

Issue is their primal brain knows this, but their social brain has been brainwashed into believing she also needs to be a boss babe. Marry your best friend; ok, but friends don’t have sex.

[@positivelynegative9149]

That idiom is an observation, not a directive. It's simply saying a happy wife will result in a happy husband. It is NOT saying the husband is responsible for making the wife happy.

[@Khan-rz8qi]

What women say they want often doesn’t correlate with their true desires and nature. When we men do what they say and we fail, we’re also the ones conditioned to take all responsibility for such failures. Therefore men must always lead on their own terms because if we fail, at least we know it’s based on our own volition and choices. It’s only a problem when society blatantly misinform our men and refuse to give them a helping hand when they go down the wrong path. Not only did you weaken them, but now you’re gaslighting them too??😂😂 fellas do what YOU wanna do.💯

[@blairsaid]

Very well said and underrated comment.

[@MALICEM12]

This, women say one thing and mean something else

[@kurt6518]

‘Twas a hard lesson for me. Men MUST lead, and on their own terms. I can’t undo the past, but I will raise my sons differently than I. For a man to be the leader, the woman has got to submit, which she will do for a man she adores. But he must provide, and protect, in addition to leading.

[@nstar1372]

Women also need to do what they want

[@mco4972]

We are doomed as men. State and laws protect women. On top of the safety net women inherently have in their peer groups. The table is rigged against men. What can we do? Cut the resources, don't waste on women more than what is fair and necessary

[@cosmictreason2242]

"Because you listened to the voice of your wife... cursed is the ground for your sake" - God, Genesis 3

[@crowviking]

Amen!

[@SmoothCode]

Yeah - you would think men would read at least the first 5 chapters of Genesis to know what women are. The first failure in the world is female.

[@polemeros]

Giving women what they SAY they want is usually a bad idea.

[@d1d234]

My experience is that women do NOT WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for anything. It’s not about a man’s competence, it’s about not being punished for their decisions.

[@SmoothCode]

Oh you mean like what happened back in the Garden of Eden? You'd think men would have caught on by now.

[@d1d234]

@@SmoothCode My reading of the Garden of Eden is that Adam did NOT object or get in the way of the Serpent dealing with Eve and Adam just followed Eve (as most men would have done). Adam was equally responsible as he took and ate. It was through Adam that sin entered the world, not Eve. Responsibility is a funny thing.

[@SmoothCode]

@@d1d234 Eve ate first and deceived her husband to fall into sin first. Eve was the first sinner. Ladies first I guess. Not necessarily a desirable achievement.

[@paulmoulton7248]

Quite true. It is why being nice is unattractive to women.

[@RD-zj6vc]

"You must unleeeearn what you have leeeaarned." (c) Yoda

[@arkansastrey9694]

À wise woman is one who chooses a wise man to lead her.

[@kirkbrooks9447]

Yet women will come home from their job, vent about all of their problems (With no idea on how to fix them) and when you offer solutions they get mad and fire back with "I just wanted you to listen!!". I'm not so sure they want a man to lead as much as they want him to provide for them while they do whatever they want.

[@Tim666-o5n]

You gotta give your woman the gift of your absence if she uses you like an emotional tampon. Talking about the day is fine. Talk about solution to problems is fine. Venting is not.

[@meenki347]

Part of leadership is listening and not offering an immediate solution. While she's quietly explaining her problem. She will often give the logical solution herself. You say, "You've come up with solution yourself". Don't tell that you guided the encounter. If you don't know how to guide a woman, you don't deserve her and will lose her.

[@shinymew2887]

@@meenki347very terrible advice

[@a-t5380]

I read a comment from a person on here a few months ago that actually I have started to use myself… when a women starts going off or venting about her day calmly respond “is this something we solve or are we just talking through this issue” most the time women just want to be heard and know the solution.. it’s funny because the next comment said “so basically treat them like a child”… lol

[@hoobeydoobey1267]

Stop trying to fix what isn't broken. Learn to listen. What you're doing is what many men do. You believe you're smarter than her, thus the need to offer solutions or fix her. It's a Romans 1:22 thing. Meditate on it. Do something different for once - listen and comment, such as that must be annoying, etc.... You'll be surprised at the outcome.

[@melenico4512]

If the women is willing to submit. If she is combative it won't work.

[@John3v8]

How is a young man, or perhaps any man, any more skilled than a woman when both are in their first marriage? Yes, each partner may have various degrees of leadership capability when they enter a first marriage, but that's no guarantee of ability to lead the marriage. I think the most successful couples discover that it's best to let the person with strengths in certain areas, lead the decision-making on that subject, although both parties should have a say.

[@vogelfaenger6830]

I'm with you with your last statement. for your question. The average age difference between partners in the generation of my parents and grandparents were 5 years and even today women prefer a man who has slightly more experience than them

[@John3v8]

@@vogelfaenger6830 A good friend of mine told me this was one of the biggest issues between her and her ex. They were both in their mid-twenties when they married. He was still living with his wealthy parents, tho he had a job. She had been living on her own since college, had travelled a lot on her own, and was very adept and pro-active at problem solving. She said it took her a while to see that, from engagement onward, he 'dragged his feet' on most decisions he hadn't had to make before. At first she thought he was just amenable, but as time went on, she felt the burden of having to make all the decisions for them, and he resented her doing it. She said she told him, she wanted him to make some of the decisions, but he still wouldn't do it. He just seemed to want to do little more than watch tv, be on his computer, and visit his parents (who he would only go on vacation if they were along and paying for the whole trip!) She said she had to do all the work to arrange the divorce too! And after they split up, she said she "slept for about three months," because she was just so exhausted. She did not come across to me as a bossy, or domineering person at all, and later told me her ex had been married and divorced twice more.

[@cosmictreason2242]

No. This is fe nist deception, afuera with that sht

[@Kamabushi999]

A ship wont sail with two captains Period

[@fonglim1670]

It will lol😅

[@DreDredel3]

I have gotten the lecture from women about "Why do you always choose where we should go?". So then I let them decide. Then i get the lecture "Why can't you choose where we should go?". And im like 🤦

[@anewlifestirring]

When you say “men are raised” or “women are raised” you are referring to the disintegrating microcosm around you that you are describing, fostering and exploiting, inviting people to do the same. Your description has nothing to do with the majority of mankind and the future civilisation towards which we could be striving. The “better outcome” is not becoming adapted to the dysfunctional society you are describing, but part of a new project for humanity.

[@kirkbrooks9447]

Did Kamala Harris write that word salad for you???

[@anewlifestirring]

@@kirkbrooks9447no my professional experience prompted me to write that and I am ready to expound on that if you are interested

[@Defactodissident]

there is not an obligation for "a new project for humanity" in one's marriage, as it should be the dominant culture that we rolemodel toward. I would like you to expand on this.

[@anewlifestirring]

@@Defactodissident​​⁠we are experiencing a breakdown of family structures with a dramatic fall in birthrates and child education in all western style countries. This jeopardises retirement plans and the survival of these countries, as you will notice in abundant scientific studies available that refer to a social suicide. Of course no one is obliged to abandon the hedonistic mating and dating games, but to those of us who understand the purpose of their short lives in this world as being to advance civilisation and work towards a betterment of mankind, family making and the raising of healthy minded citizens is the chosen option. As the prevailing chaos advances the number of people who prefer participating in building a new society is sharply on the rise. These people do not correspond to the prevailing mindset described here, reject the idea of a sexual industry and consider courtship as a period for finding a long term partner for family and society building.

[@BeautiHacks]

Orion is right. A marriage or relationship is not equal = equal. It’s not 1 for 1. A good relationship is one where there is a need for the other person. Filling in the blanks of the other. Without this NEED I’ve seen people act out of pocket. There almost has to be some sort of a dependency that keeps a person in check. Sounds messed up. But one person has to be the leader, and one more of the follower or one that assists the leader. You can’t have 2 leaders because that will inevitably create conflict. One person has to kind of put their ego down if they have an ego about this. At the same time the man has to step into the role of leader with competency. Your woman has to be able to trust you with this role. Relationships are more successful when both people are flexible and when they are on the same side of the coin. A relationship works better when two people are working together towards a mutually beneficial goal without a bunch of “rigid rules”. Whatever that goal ______ is. If a man doesn’t wear the pants, he’ll be handed the skirt. It is very difficult to reverse these roles once they are in place. Both people have to be able to accept their role, and the leader doesn’t need to be pounding his chest like some King Kong to exert his dominance. If a man has to do this it’s because he feels like his role is threatened, that or he has a different type of problem that needs to be handled. A woman has to be able to look up to her man to RESPECT him. Women love being able to look up to their baby. When a woman feels this way about her man, she will serve him.

[@Kymewc]

One thing u have to understand about gender roles is that some men and women will never fit into those roles. Some men are not ment to fathera and husbands same for women wife and mother. In order to lead a man must be a leader, some aren't and som women will never be submissive to a man no matter what. U have to also consider biology is not the only thing that matters when it comes to relationships. All the things that make each one of use unique individuals come into play as well that's why traditional relationships u don't see a lot these days.

[@BeautiHacks]

@@Kymewc I agree, and that is true for just about everything. There is always going to be an anomaly. But this is not because of an anomaly, this is a self made situation. If young boys grow up thinking men and women are equal and girls grow up thinking shit I can do everything a man can do. It puts the boys at a disadvantage because that inserts a subliminal weakness in the young male mind. To where it challenges women, but lowers men’s defense system. It almost takes away from men turning into the classic version of a MAN. It has men tip towing around masculinity instead of grabbing themselves by the balls and embracing who they are. To where women are dominating because they are able to embrace both their feminine and masculine traits. They are almost punking men out of their male role. But what most men do not understand… is that even these dominant women will submit for the right man. It doesn’t take a bunch of mind games to do it either. Traditional relationships are hard to come by because everyone is too busy thinking they are hot shit and that they can get better. If someone is always looking around the corner they will never stay focused on what they have.

[@BeautiHacks]

If I’m looking at this head on… it’s funny how: women can do everything a man can do but men canNOT do everything a woman can do. Women feel all powerful until a He-SHE shows up in their FEMALE only sports competition. This is where we see the truth about how women naturally feel about MEN. So let’s not be fooled.

[@BeautiHacks]

To add to this… If I’m looking at this head on… it’s funny how: women can do everything a man can do but men canNOT do everything a woman can do. Women feel all powerful until a He-SHE shows up in their FEMALE only sports competition. This is where we see the truth about how women naturally feel about MEN. So let’s not be fooled.

[@Kymewc]

@@BeautiHacks I agree %100 just not really sure how to solve the problem.

[@kathiahernandez4500]

I completely agree with the doctor on this one. I can only respect/love a man if he shows good capacity to make important decisions with positive outcomes.

[@forgottenfuryan]

Okay child

[@tigre9271]

When women say they want a 50-50 partnership, they essentially mean they want the EQUAL right, (like men) to choose what her role In the marriage will be. She doesn't want to be mandated what her role is. She may want to work or she may want to be a homemaker. And a woman will follow a man's lead only IF she TRUSTS him and if they are on the same page on life goals, all this which SHOULD have been worked out before marriage. To a woman, being Equal to a man, is to have the same CHOICES as a man. You can't even begin to figure out the solution to the communication gap until you DEFINE exactly what the keywords mean to EACH person.

[@sethbrolsma516]

Good point. This goes against much of what men were taught.

[@seqenenretaoii5722]

Hes 💯% spot on fellas. So stop listening to what women say they want. They say they want one thing but respond to something else.

[@thestorybehindthat5236]

It's not that hard. Plan the date. Lock in plans at least a few days before. Ask for another date promptly if you want to see her again. Don't disappear for days at a time with no communication if you like the woman. Keep things going. Share why you're dating and initiate the conversation of being exclusive after you've gotten to know each other and have a timeline for how long you want to date each other to determine if you're a match for marriage. Lead these conversations. Then propose if all goes well. You gotta have clarity and intention and act on it. So many guys just want to hang out in women's lives and never make decisions or define things. They're flaccid daters. Gross.

[@sabihowpro8073]

Been bugged by this guy's views on my page lately. How is he qualified to teach on these subjects?

[@justtekina6709]

when you are a nice guy, you get led by women, and used for specific things, like moving furniture or buying her food, when you are using her its better thats my perspective on becoming the "bad boy" that women like

[@teefrankenstein4340]

I don’t know that this is true. My parents were a team, neither took a pronounced leadership role and my mom was definitely able to protect herself so the safety concern wasn’t that big of a deal. I personally think the best relationships are 50-50 with both partners leading in certain areas and following in others.

[@theBear89451]

This video is too much of a simplification. Men, on average, are better with strategy, but women details. It is common to equate strategy with leadership, but having a wife lead in flushing out the details plays to their strengths.

[@teefrankenstein4340]

@@theBear89451 The best relationships resemble a team, both lead and follow at times, lead when you are stronger in one area, let them lead when they are stronger.

[@cosmictreason2242]

@@teefrankenstein4340 op you have been damaged

[@SmoothCode]

TLDR: Women want a daddy they can pin the blame on if anything goes south.

[@matthewsalmon2013]

The problem is women don't want to take on the "mental load" but they're also afraid their partners will handle it poorly. Men and women have different assumptions and ways of getting in sync, and when there's not enough time allowed for that then there's frustration about running behind schedule or having wasted money to not get what she wants.

[@Hoffzillano1]

Bang on sir!! Men and woman are not equal on all levels and knowing that makes couples equal in competency and I think those couples will last a life time

[@fonglim1670]

I wants whatever is coming to maximise my freedom and gladness

[@BernhardJohanRiemann]

Depends on the culture , in the Netherlands is a very different story 😂, woman are on the lead and wacht out of you get too bossy 😅

[@abrantie]

Hello, are Africans included in this stats? Lol.

[@bobborlog1677]

The back of my hand ✋gets the best performance out of them every time

[@mjaybee]

No mention of family court and the huge leverage women have in marriage

[@CommanderTavos99]

Its not what men THINK women want, its what women SAY they want and since when they say "no" in the court, it means "no" we obviously care more about what they ACTUALLY SAY instead of what they make up in their mind instead of communicating

[@ST-yc7uj]

Funny. Man is the head but woman is the neck.

[@andrewparsons3277]

Why would I want to lead her around like she's a kid?

[@skanda1832]

Yes all women (healthy, undamaged women).

[@petervanhoorn6199]

And this the reason so many relationships and marriages end in the gutter. Just this very basic principle seems to have been lost during the past few decades.

[@zaxify643]

I feel like woman want leadership, then when you give it to them, take it as not caring about their wants and needs, then when you take a step back and let her feel like she can have some say, then all of a sudden it’s “be a leader” I feel like in this day of age and with social media, we quite literally have all these ideas of what a “good man” and a “masculine” man is supposed to be that a lot of it counter points on another They want a man who takes charge then all of a sudden were controlling They want a man that has boundaries and knows what he wants, then all of a sudden it’s “if you can’t accept me for who I am” or “your such a narcissist” NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE

[@zaxify643]

I think the biggest problem now a days is woman got exposed at a very young age of all the hyper 1%s in the world and expect their 23 year old bf to be like the 36 year old ceo, but they don’t even want the 36 year old ceo, they don’t even know what they fkn want even when it’s right in their face

[@AustinSummers-yr7ws]

This is why women like older men

[@weneedsaving515]

Strong independent and need no man huh?

[@warrenkener]

Namely when they have money

[@RoMed1167]

Women want someone who takes care of the yard, plumbing, car, while financing their fantasy home, but would never say they are responsible or accountable to match that WANT with their abilities.

[@ST-yc7uj]

Doesnt matter what they say, its what they do.

[@caucasianafrican1435]

Feminism is at the root.

[@rosiefolks8239]

100% for me.

[@monthejanitor]

How would one practice this in a relationship?

[@andrewwabik5125]

It’s an energy the husband should embody.

[@ee.es00]

Simple. Husband has final say in the matter. Just as your boss has the final say at work, even if theyre not always right. If employee disobeys manager, even if they think theyre smarter (or may even be smarter), theyre still wrong.

[@Chris-es3wf]

​@@ee.es00No, that's just being authoritarian. A leader doesn't need to be authoritarian to get that outcome. You need only exhibit competence and SHOW that you're the leader. Attitude, emotional control, focus / purpose on a goal that doesn't involve her.

[@MutaleMulenga8ight]

​@@andrewwabik5125 you're right about that one. Looking back at two past relationships, what attracted both women was my energy for sure. I was in a better place psychologically, was very confident with myself, and I wasn't looking to be in a relationship both times

[@ee.es00]

@Chris-es3wf thats not what it means for a wife to submit to her husband as the Bible states.

[@dawncopley5671]

That was very fulfilling information, however, I am beginning to see my faults, yet, I am not 100 % sure about the male competency part? Maybe I need to know how to navigate that part for me as well as for him, yes? Thank you.

[@amberts180]

Yes, leading the relationship on certain foundational values and the activities related to these values. We will support activities for the family, couple, etc. that help to improve financing, build bonds, or strengthen values.

[@PhilosopherKing161]

The key word here is COMPETENCE. I think when it comes to giving advice to men by other men that should be the forefront of what men should apply or do in relationships

[@big6316]

Yet when you assume after you've taken control and done well that it's now what you both have agreed will be your role, she kicks your legs out from under you, calls you toxic, controlling etc. There's no way to win, there's not even a way to not lose with women.

[@satoshinakamoto840]

Resemble them towards Black widows, there u have their 50/50

[@yayhayes]

I haven’t met anyone that was raised this why

[@texnewmexneen]

So true

[@haddadiwanassa]

We want a man who leads the relationship or home with confidence but who is also secure enough to sit down and discuss things

[@ronnie1638]

A woman will destroy mens ego to control him

[@thorie79]

Women complaining is a test of a man's leadership ability. Assert your dominance by refusing to comply. She will respect you again, or she's a fool best abandoned.

[@proverbs2522]

I haven’t met a single man who was raised to think marriage is 50/50. They all think doing less than the bare minimum is extra and they shouldn’t have to do it.

[@deschua76]

Women duno wtf they want

[@DonaldJewTrump]

50 50 is best

[@alexDumont2020]

That was my mistake... never again