A Few Words About Autism

[@NocturnalFudj]

My Twitter account for now is twitter.com/VideoSealMan if you wanna follow me for updates on other videos and whatnot, not sure how permanent this'll be bc it seems they can disappear any day but this is where I hope to be until I get my original account back - if I ever do lol A bit upset that I missed Autism Awareness Day/Week but I was busy with Hard Drive stuff, alas, I hope the video is of at least some comfort to you even a bit late

[@jedimasterham2]

Have you considered pursuing game development, and making a game about autism? That would be interesting. I've thought it would be interesting to make a game not only tailored for autism (and non-autistics), but about it as well. Good for us, but also to educate non-autistics.

[@matiasfullerton6702]

I’m sorry you’re struggling financially, Fudj, but please remember that being successful isn’t only about finances! You’ve brought me so much joy with your work over the past few years and thousands of of others would say the same. Bringing so much positivity to so many people is a huge success that most people never achieve. You’ve improved so much and honed an art form which allows you to express your tremendous wit, intelligence, and passion. That’s another huge success. You’re so talented and it’s clear that you’re going to continue succeeding in a variety of ways. Sorry it’s not working financially right now, but use this opportunity to appreciate the relationships with your family and friends you mentioned! That’s another incredible success. I’m so thankful for you, keep up the good work!

[@EventideBlackFox]

I know this won't mean much to you but as a fifteen year old autistic person you've helped me process and understand my feelings with your previous autism-related videos. You don't have to make more, or become a spokesperson for autistic people. I just have to thank you for helping me

[@nancyhope2205]

I found out when I was 71 after a chaotic life. Looking back I hardly know what happened. Do your best with what you know. I wish you good luck and clarity.

[@JeMoederrrrrrrrrrrr]

Man, literally everything you said resonates with me. I'm 29, got my ADHD diagnosis two years ago, and am burned out. Haven't had a job for longer than a year, all of my friends are starting careers and having lots of successes, and I'm just sitting here. What you said really helps making peace with these situations, and you're completely correct. It's shit now, but we're going to be fine. Thanks for sharing this.

[@Mrnotpib]

You are a brilliantly emotionally intelligent person, don’t make a big deal about putting up a video, your venting here is helping you process, than that’s great, and I don’t even know you.

[@ninoroxsox]

My son is non verbal autistic and your videos give me insight on him don't feel too down about your situation everyone hits walls nuerodivergent or not keep it up young man you are doing great

[@temmssmdisnas]

Fuck man, this hit so hard. I've been diagnosed with autism since birth, and ive always had trouble with time management and ADHD. I struggled through high school despite understanding most of the material because I couldn't focus on homework. I had to drop out of college for the same reason and am now working a minimum wage job and still living with parents while all of my friends are moving up in the world. I recently broke up with someone who I cared so much about; I was motivated to spend my life with them. Now I feel aimless and in a rut, with no future. I admittedly haven't watched most of your videos, but the videos that I have watched were always interesting, especially your series on autism. Thank you for making this content, and I hope you can find your footing again.

[@chad0ch0]

It's invaluable to see someone describe the exact type of situation you're going through. The last year has been difficult for me, largely by my own doing. Because of that, I fall into those same traps of being way too harsh on myself for way too long. Feeling like I'm unworthy of having a "normal" life even though I know that's wrong. It's so frustrating to keep experiencing that, but with some professional help and resources I'm starting to get better. Can't properly express how meaningful hearing perspectives on neurodivergence is. It really helps to have another viewpoint to reflect on what you're going through. Here's to hoping we can all find our own ways through life despite the additional obstacles.

[@lukedrotos8718]

Sometimes, even when my life is going perfectly well, I slip back into the mindset of "Is this really what I want? "Is this all that I'll ever be?" or "Could I be doing much more for someone my age?". I know that some day I'll probably have those feelings again, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone on this.

[@hipersonicc9736]

I still revisit your two previous autism videos a lot... I believe i might be on the spectrum myself... This videos are reassuring to listen while playing very chil stuff... Thank you.

[@vazzaroth]

I am a 33, almost 34, year old married adult. My wife and I had to move 5 hours away from where we loved living back to my childhood home. We both together make almost 90k a year. It just wasn't possible to keep up with the demands, monetary and mental, placed on us by an uncaring society that worships the mighty dollar above all else. This is happening everywhere, bro. It DOES suck, but hopefully the fact that the economy is utterly broken, is doing unprecedented things, will break further before it gets better, and overall our entire generation (and the next, at least) is experiencing serious marginalization as the circumstances of reality are shifting more rapidly than any other time in recorded History is some kind of solace. I too was just diagnosed ADHD at 30 and highly suspect ASD in some respect, so I am so happy you are talking about this. I don't think it's EVER a failure, no matter the outcome, to choose self fulfillment and living authentically over giving in to the world's seductive, evil allure with the promise of money. This is another big wave hitting our species right now. The laws, economy, and culture are lagging behind what is possible now with worldwide instant communication and pooled knowledge being available to everyone. We are working on becoming post scarcity, slowly! The neuro inclusive future simply will look NOTHING like what the 50 and 60+yr olds think the world has to be right now, trust me.

[@liviealamode]

as an autistic trans woman, the part about queer/neurodivergent time really stuck with me. over the past year, i have had similar fears that i am wasting my life since i flunked out of college and had to move back in with my parents, but your video is helping me to know im less alone than i feel with this sense of stagnation

[@TheMurtdragon]

I moved back in with my mum when I was 22 (maybe 23) after being kicked out at 19. At the time, I felt it was a catastrophic defeat a complete failure on my part, crawling back to the nest with my head down, a feeling my then partner would weaponise over and over again against me in arguments for years to come. I moved out again 18 months later and as the years have gone on, I've come to look fondly on that time, I wasn't sure I made the right decision then but I know now that it was absolutely the right thing to do at the right time. As you said, "It might take a while, but you're going to be fine." Also great video, the visuals were really relaxing.

[@MattHedgern]

Honestly, I think I found this video at the perfect time. For context, I used to do really well in school. The first three years of High School were straight A's and everything. But then, during the pandemic, I kinda just fell off. I was still able to pass with decent grades, so I felt I was at least doing okay. Then I moved on to college, thinking the familiar structure of school would help. Well, turns out it hasn't. Just about a week ago, I started getting emails from the school. My grades have been lower than ever. Out of four semesters, only one didn't see me fail a class. Not even a single A. Now, if I go back next year, I'm having to take special courses to supposedly get me back on track. And even then, I don't know if I can go back, as the financial aid office is on the brink of cutting me off, meaning I'll have no way to pay for classes (aside from loans ig but I ain't messin with that). Frankly, I just feel like a failure. I was already in a not great spot mentally (for reasons too personal to get into on this actual KZbin comment), been having those self-deprecating thoughts that everything I do is wrong. But now, it feels like they've all just been validated three times over. I can't help but feel I'm supposed to be better than this, I'm supposed to be smarter than this. And on top of all this, is now the pressure to get a job. Some of the people around me have been really pushy about it, since I'm in my 20's now. And frankly, I don't think I'm ready. It's probably that Neurodivergent Time thing kicking in, if I had to guess. It is something I've noticed in the past (frankly it feels really nice to know it's far from just me experiencing that, hit even harder by the background footage at that point being a hyperfixation of mine). It is mainly older people that are pushing joining the workforce, so I don't really expect them to understand. They never have. But, I know things aren't all bad. Sure, my future may feel more uncertain than ever, inner thoughts constantly telling me I'm not good enough. But, for every person in my life causing stress, there's like 5 more that are supportive, if I can just build up the courage to just say something about it (I've never been one to normally vent, so ig it feels weird to let loose like this to people that already have an expectation of who I am? idk). Even if I never do get around to it, just being around them seems to put me in a better headspace. And heck, dinosaur documentary series Prehistoric Planet is currently airing its second season, something that makes me forget about everything and feel nothing but pure joy, even if for only a moment. I know, at some point, things are going to be okay. It's just, really hard to know how or when, and that uncertainty kinda just makes things worse. If by chance someone made it to the end of these insane ramblings from a rando in the KZbin comments section, thanks man. I know I did this on one of the other Autism videos, when recent events also kinda lined up with a segment in the video. I have no idea how many people read that one, but... it made me feel a little better. So this one can't hurt, right?

[@Wakeupmash]

There's no shame in going back home, I felt the same way you did having "failed" out there independently. That pain goes away with time, pick yourself up and always move forward, no matter how slow it may feel. My little brother is autistic and your videos give me great insight as to his struggles since he is also struggling to find any meaningful employment. Never give up and never feel shamed for your struggles, wish you the best on the journey.

[@GalaxianSR]

I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, and potentially have stuff like OCD and Autism (we're planning on getting myself evaluated soon). Life can be rough at times, feeling of immense sadness and dread, feeling unsafe, unstable, and simply not myself -- not like a human. But you always need to know to stick to your guns, keep pushing through, because we ALL will make it. Life is a rollercoaster, and you're on for one hell of a ride. But even though you feel that dread when the drop comes in a rollercoaster, you know you'll be fine in the end. Life is exactly the same, just much longer and far more dramatic. It's an ongoing journey, and it's important to accept where life takes you, and work with what you're given. And to know that everything, will be... fine. Btw I had no idea your videos practically moved there I was like "Where is he?" 😂 I will def subscribe over there, your work is incredible!

[@mattercakes]

Listening to this gave me chills. You have a powerful voice filled with purpose and strength. I'm 31 about to be 32 and I wish I had your sense of self when I was 25. We love you.

[@Dorkaxe]

Are you the guy from the Hard Drive Mag youtube channel?? Dude I love your stuff! (obligatory hope you feel better, we love you, and also twitter is incredibly stupid)

[@NocturnalFudj]

I've been trying to get in touch w you via my new Twitter so you can reach me in case you needed to discuss our little collab we talked about before! Ahaha, in case you need it - my Discord is Fudj#6772

[@STYLIX_]

I first saw u with ur reviews, but loved the videos you did about Autism. As someone also on the spectrum, I related a lot with the anxiety and troubles comparing others and feeling alone. I feel I've grown up more and understood my autism over the past 2 years a littler better because of these videos. I'm able to have small conversations and go to work. They might seem minute, and I'll always have hurdles to overcome with my autism, but I want you to know that you have inspired a lot of people on the spectrum, myself included.

[@JoshBurcham104]

I can very much relate with so much of the stuff you've said in this video. I've not been diagnosed with autism but i do have adhd, social anxiety, ocd, on/off depression, and addiction problems. Im 23 and i feel like a total failure so frequently. Ive basically held the exact same retail position for the last 7 years, and its not because i enjoy doing it. I dont completely hate it, but every year has been "the last year" for most of that time. I guess its just feels easier for me to coast along. All the jobs i actually want to do are creative, but actually getting into a position like that requires effort that my undiagnosed adhd and homeschooed background did not in anyway equip me to approach. I failed out of high school, then college, all the while just playing videogames and watching KZbin videos in my room with the blackout curtains drawn. My parents said things like "you just must not want it bad enough" but that couldn't be it cause i was destroying myself inside. To this day but at that time much worse i was constantly beating up on myself for how much i was letting everyone and especially myself down. I didn't get diagnosed until i was 18 and the guy put me in Vyvanse which pretty much did nothing for me. So I really haven't gotten any help for my adhd in my entire life. I finally got a therapist a few months ago and he eventually helped me get a psychiatrist and now im on medication again and while im still not sure if ill manage make the changes i want to with my upgraded abilities im so glad i was able to make it to this point. Ive also been slowly but surely building up a catalog of sample based hip hop beats i made on my phone over the last year or so, which is basically the largest body of creative work ive ever managed to actually stick to and i started that before the medication. Basically it feels like i may be entering a more fruitful stage of my life after a very long period of feeling like a complete loser. Getting help helps!

[@CrokeyHigati]

Im 28, 29 in a month. Having ADHD and not getting any kind of help on it my whole life really took a toll on my place in the world. I feel like I've done very little living so far. Feeling like endless self reflection just to function like everyone else. And Im still trying to get myself up and running and self sustaining. its been slow, but I think I'm moving forward. It was just so nice to have a nice reminder and hear the words "We're gonna be fine.". Wishing you the best of luck Fudj, thanks for sharing these thoughts with us!

[@plastiktuten3866]

I got diagnosed very recently and realised all the ways my autism had been affecting my life, all the different things it was making me do and not do, and I’ve been coming to terms with that slowly, so it was very comforting to hear you talk about this, as someone a bit younger than you but who still feels like they should have achieved more. I was very comforted by your way of putting things that mirrors my own in a lot of cases, and your affirmation that things will be fine, because they will. Thanks Fudj :)

[@mamatze22]

I'm almost 39, haven't been officially diagnosed with any neurodivergence, but lots of my neurodivergent friends say I am most definitely on the spectrum lol, but holy crap I feel your video in my soul. Thank you for being open about your experiences. It makes me feel much less alone. I've had to move back to my family home many times in my adult life, and the only reason I have a place of my own right now is because my dad owns it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing to take a step back, as long as you keep looking forward. We will all get to be where we need to be eventually 💚

[@thevorace]

I am 27 and I have always been terrified that I wouldn't be able to hold down a good job or finish college. The last 12 years have been a rocky road. I have heavily comtemplated the worst and never wanted to live. I have always related to a lot of, if not all what you say, and I don't know to what degree I may have autism, but either way just know you're not alone.

[@Veenart69]

Hey Fudj, I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to talk about this, as a fellow neurodivergent person and artist online, I know how hard it is to talk about your experience publicly and share some of your most vulnerable thoughts. I wanted to say thanks, because I also had to take a break from my studies recently and move back to my parents for some months (to deal with what I assume is chronic autistic burnout). So some days it gets hard when I compare myself with my friends who seem to be doing well and finishing the course, and I doubt and beat myself up for breaking down on my final year. So it really helped me to hear about your experience and the whole concept of neurodivergent time (I hadn’t heard about this prior I think). So thank you, again, I will try to remind myself that next time I have those mean thoughts about myself. I am hopeful that life will get better and easier as the time passes and society becomes more aware and empathetic, and I wish the same for you and everyone who is having similar experiences ~

[@Luca-xz7nb]

you are my favourite creator on this platform and I hope more people can see and connect with your amazing videos like I have for the past 3 years. No one is as honest and sincere with the way they create commedy on KZbin all the best

[@Sombraptor]

Bro...this spoke to me so incredible hard. I suffer from a LOT of the same issues you do, ESPECIALLY the thinking about age and comparisons to others. I envy your ability to still manage to pump out content, I've been stuck in a rut myself, but this has really helped. Keep going my guy, you got this.

[@Maddmike]

Godspeed Brad, wishing you luck as you reorient yourself back at home base.

[@Emerald3ME]

Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I appreciate it, and although I myself am not autistic, can relate to a decent amount of your struggles.

[@noahxyzlight5715]

I'm autistic as well, bro. Don't worry, you got this! My faith in Christ has helped me tremendously. God bless you.

[@geskle6882]

ive failed moving out 3 times now man theres no shame in having to move back to get up on your feet. I love watching ur videos man and im rooting for you

[@shroomer3867]

Your video is amazing! The way you synthesize complicated paragraphs and unite it together in a cohesive fashion and theme with really relaxing music and editing is short of speechless. I was about to leave this video on a tab, but watched it with my full attention once I saw it. Also don’t worry about the Twitter thing, almost everyone who even shows a small glint of themselves on that site gets banned, because it’s a super monetized platform where people try to shove their opinions down your throat by claiming they are facts. You don’t need to be sorry for what you intended to be a joke, you don’t need to be sorry for being who you are.

[@bdt2002gaming]

I discovered your channel last year through your previous video. While I haven’t exactly stuck around, I can tell that you’re handling this the best you can. I speak on behalf of myself and the others in the comment section that the best progress in life is made at your own pace.

[@mikuenjoyerXD]

I'm a 21 year old gal and i relate to you heavily with your struggles. Be kinder to yourself, you are not stupid, your experience is real, you are not too much or too dramatic, you are just right, just keep being you. - some likely autistic stranger who cares 🩷

[@Taikofan04]

I’m 18 and on the spectrum myself. I’m graduating high school in about a month and I think I’m doing fine. Even though I’m extremely nervous about my future, even though I have an idea of what I want to do after college, I’m still excited for what happens after graduating.

[@TransAce92]

You're one of the few KZbinrs I know that don't mind having real talks with their audience. Especially your videos on autism; they seem to reflect on so many people despite not living the exact same things at the exact same pace, but definitely living the same daily struggles, anxieties, depression and whatnot. I've been diagnosed with "Speech Impairment" since I was very young and I still feel it to this very day. I've definitely had my struggles through elementary, high school and even college; socially and educationally. I have a VERY difficult time expressing myself on things I love the most or things I'm obsessed with due to the reason that my mind is thinking a million things all at once, coming up with reasons as to why I shouldn't write this comment or draw this picture or whatever... *overthinking* is the keyword here. I still have no idea how I got this far in life, having a decent job, still living with my parents, stays in contact with my little circle of friends almost daily, am in a long distance relationship with someone that I've known online for over 10 years. How better can things get? Well, that's when the mid-life crisis started to kick in as of late, being a 30 year old with a good life ahead of him and not wanting to fuck up any steps that hopefully will make my life more fulfilling once I've gotten over some huge obstacles. Going day by day, overthinking of what I should do during my free time after work, but being too exhausted to do anything productive... lack of energy as I get older or am I becoming lazier? Who knows really. Regardless of what I say, don't give up Fudj-- we got your back! 😤

[@ammyshadows3817]

Near the age that you are, I hope that you know that, you have helped another troubled person of the same condition very much. It is affirming to know, for all my life, I feared of the troubles you have, but know that even hitting that low will help you grow as a person, and even sharing this experience, no matter how silly or foolish it may seem, could help you grow. I cried hearing all of this, and I have shared listening to this video with my mother. (Yes, I too, am scared of moving of the house, and I am scared to possibly manage everything that comes with it) thank you for sharing your experience of what you see as a “failure”, for a mistake is apart of the learning process and living It is very important, as people, to open a dialogue and discussion, to give understanding and compassion to others I too, would want to use this platform to get some sort of voice out, of patterns I’ve seen, things I’ve learned and wish to share As you have helped, I wish to do the same, especially as to (ideally) become a content creator, but I feel nervous What should be the “first impression” so to speak, especially given the subject of being Autistic is apart of me and makes myself unique, and not to fall into the trap of being too narcissistic as I’ve seen in other social medias I not only love games, but I crave the social interaction in which my younger self had lacked due to of how I was “different” then others Please know, that you have helped a person, that these words in which you’re saying could bridge a gap and open a dialogue to the wider world Thank you, and well wishes

[@SmugglinPunkins]

I also love your work and what you do, Fudj. Your vids on hard drive mag have been my favorites on this site in quite a while and I can't wait to see what else you bring to the table there. I've loved Hard Drive Mag for a while, it's always been a hilarious site, and I know that your contributions there will help make it the best it has ever been. I know that, because they already have! Keep your chin up and keep up the good work

[@Kanakou_DX15]

Thank you, Fudj, for this video, I really needed a reminder like this. I've also been struggling with an invisible condition that affects every aspect of my life, as you put it. Thank you for making me realise what my true achievements have been considering I deal with this every day. All of us whom struggle with this type of thing should be proud to have reached this far at all, and should be able to take a step back and remember not to operate under the same metrics as "regular" people. Don't feel ashamed over posting this, you've helped at least me out, and I-at risk of sounding egotistical-think that alone has made it worthwhile. Cheers, man.

[@nbclover7880]

I just dropped out of school, and this video helped me feel a bit more at peace with myself and my accomplishments. Thank you :)

[@Jack-xf1ip]

Brilliant video man. It took me a long time to feel like I had actually started being a real person too, and its still a struggle, but making these videos is testament to your dedication and they're my favourite thing to see pop up in my youtube feed. Keep cracking on man, your insight and maturity continues to inspire

[@Drowzee64]

Thanks for that, Fudj. I won't overdisclose, but this hits really close to home, and I needed to hear it.

[@PD624.]

Thank you. I really needed to hear this, and it seems like every one of these videos you've done has came when I needed it most.❤

[@MrJFL]

I never get emotional, but this made me cry. I can't stress enough how much I resonate with this. I don't know what else to say. But I know I'll find the words eventually.

[@awpandamia]

i have so many things i want to say im genuienly struggling to put it all inside a single comment and make it feel coherent. i just want to say thank you for sharing your experience, i relate a lot with so many things you've talked about. im not diagnosed, and i feel embarassed to talk about it because i really believe self diagnosis is a really hamfull thing . but it really struck me how things felt like they made so much sence when you talked about your experiences, so many things you talked about in your own life drew parallels with how i perssonaly experienced and tried to deal with life. and even if im not on the spectrum, it has helped me immensly. i really mean that. and i strongly agree with the idea that not everything we do must serve a greater purpose. i paint a lot, and if every single one of my projects had to be made to reach a higher goal, i probably wouldnt stand painting. expressing ourselves and sharing how we feel is what art is about. and aint nothing unhealthy about that thank you. life is full of sturggles and mistakes but seeing yourself as who you are, someone that's trying theyre best, is what truly matters in the end. and your videos have helped me realise that.

[@FrenchieCorndog]

Hey Fudj, I'm in a similar place right now. Just broke up with my longtime partner of 4 years, and had to move back in with my mom, and even share a room with my little brother. I turn 26 next month, but I've been focusing on loving myself. While I should be low at this time, I'm grateful for the opportunity to start again and give myself charity, but not pity. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, but I also recognize what I've accomplished and that if I accomplish not a single other thing in my life, I am still good enough and happy with that.

[@rhiannonbunce4086]

Every bad thought about where you are in life are thoughts i've had myself before, and continue to have. I 100% know how you feel. I'm proud of you, I love you, and I can't wait to see you flourish and rise 💖

[@Pesthuf]

The greedy have ruined this world so thoroughly that even people who don't have any issues can't afford to rent a place and food. Really isn't your failure.

[@DISCOBURR]

Thanks for always being candid and for bringing such great videos to us. I needed this video as well. I hope you'll find true happiness, we're with you, brother.

[@velcro4836]

Thanks for posting this, I want you to know I really appreciate you sharing this stuff, it’s super relatable and profound. The last three minutes of the video especially have a lot of insight regarding things I’m struggling with right now. I hope you feel better soon!

[@amy-avnas]

I am not diagnosed with autism but I highly suspect I have it. This year and some has been a living hell for me. I have been so emotionally unstable, stressed out and burned out. Most of it was interpersonal stuff, health and work stuff, but recently something else was heaped on top and I have been struggling really, really badly. I am 33 and this is not what I wanted for my life either. All this mental struggle, topped with the worthlessness feeling of still living at home and barely being able to function at work even with reduced hours... I am so far in the gutter mentally/emotionally its the worse I have ever been and I don't know what to do myself. So you are right when you say that hearing that other people are feeling similair to you helps, it does! I hope everything gets better for the both of us, because the world sucks really bad right now.

[@-ZodiacPrince-]

I've been trying to set out on my own since I was old enough to consider such things. I tried staying with my siblings to get a start out of my mom's, to no avail. I've tried going to various friends' places, and saw how badly that can (not will but can) end. I've tried holding onto jobs, but it's hell to suffer through it and then I end up losing them and feeling a strong feeling of failure. At the end of last year I moved in with my best friend, and this is my actual last chance to make something of myself as a person as my mom passed March 16th 2023, just 3 days after her birthday. I know these feelings you describe in the video. I would go as far as to say they're (probably) normal for people like us. You've just got to try your best while you've got family you can fall back on. That safety net won't last forever, so use it while you can to try and fail and try again until you get it right. You really aren't alone, you've got people just like you all over the world.

[@Typical_Tyeus]

I strongly relate to almost all of your struggles. I thought I had found permanent success a few weeks ago getting a job as a housekeeper. I had never been more miserable in my life and I ended up quitting. I told myself that it was a logical decision, that I had thought it all out. But in truth, my emotions hijacked my logic. I felt profound shame. I still kind of do. We just don't seem compatible with the world. It hurts sometimes. But I love my family, so suicide isn't really an option. I hope we can find a way to be successful fudj. I really do.

[@MaryJMajesty]

As a 25 year old queer university dropout with ADD who started studying something else 1.5 years ago and is constantly worrying about falling back into old habits and dropping out again, this video hit incredibly close to home for me. My mom has been financially supporting me entire time while I've never had a single job and I feel incredibly guilty about that. My hope is that I can financially support her in the future, but I don't know if I'll ever get there. The future always seems out of reach and unobtainable for someone like me, and even if I know comparing myself to others is wrong, I can't help but think of myself as a failure through and through. Here's to hoping we can make that belittling voice in our head get a bit quieter some day.

[@bobfranklin8898]

I'm 23 years old and had been diagnosed within the Autism Spectrum since I was a child. I can empathize with the doubts and anxieties you are currently experiencing, since those are the same thoughts I struggle to fend off everyday for several years since I learned I had autism at 14. I really appreciate how open and transparent you are with your vulnerabilities, since in a way it's quite comforting to know that at least one person truly understands. Personally, it's this fear of being left behind, so to me it has always been a journey of catching up to my peers and struggling to keep up with their pace. This sense of failure is quite common for people with our diagnosis apparently, and as a result, it feels that each and every action or achievement is a sort of way to prove ourselves of our competence. A proof that, despite what we may struggle with because of our autism, we can still be functioning/working adults... But when we find any level of evidence that shows us how unprepared we are for certain things? It almost feels like an attack on that independence we've told ourselves that we had, and that pride of being competent is hurt and wounded. This is why, even when I'm aware how unhealthy this is, I compare myself to others on habit. I've never done it because I really wanted to compete with them, but to me, they've always seemed to be like a "model" of sorts for being... *normal.* Luckily, I've been starting to work on myself more by attempting to make a routine going to the gym and learning skills (like driving) in order to feel better about myself. I heard that driving especially gives you this sense of freedom from loved ones, and I certainly need that feeling right now. For now though, thanks for sharing your experiences Fudj since it communicates to someone like me that at any stage of life, it is fine to face difficult circumstances and is just part of life in general. You're a very outspoken person for being able to fluently communicate so much of your experience in the way that you do, and I hope things in your part of life turn up as the same hope goes to myself too. We're really in this together haha.

[@ginorincon9183]

Thanks for this video and putting your feelings out there like that, Fudj. I also often feel bad when comparing myself to peers: to where they're in life and what they've achieved, and to how they can handle the everyday things I have trouble with (work, socializing, etc.). It's very refreshing and reassuring to hear your perspective, and know that I am not alone. And you are not alone either, Fudj. Take care and be kind to yourself

[@SHYKOOPA]

Bro, I'm 29 and just hit the landmark of having lived by myself for two years. I am somewhat struggling financially now, but I can't go back to my abusive family. What I can tell you is that don't consider this struggle a personal failure. Economy is extremely tough for everybody. Do consider these two years as a personal success, you're growing a lot.

[@Imjustaguy123]

Every failure is a learning opportunity. You get wiser and more experienced every year. Also keep in mind every kind of person runs into bad periods in their lives and many people feel that they're not as successful as others and so on. People only advertise their wins on social media, not their losses, so your mental comparisons are very skewed. You just gotta keep moving forward, there's nothing else. You're going to feel shitty sometimes and that's okay to feel, just don't wrap yourself in victimhood so that it stops you from trying again. I've rebound from worse lows. It's going to be okay.

[@definitelyhooman7939]

It's honestly funny how closely our experience seem to mirror, at least with what you've shared. I struggle with feeling I'm way behind my peers, because of not completing high school at all due to health issues, having a warped view of what it means to be an "adult", and constantly being thought to be older. While not to the same level of losing a home, I recently lost one of the rocks of my life, a traineeship that use to bring me so much joy and hope. I feel like I suddenly have a hole in my life, and quite frankly, I still don't know what to do with myself. But that's okay. We'll be okay. It's okay to mourn what could have been, and coming to term with what happened will take time. But don't for a second blame yourself. We're already fighting an uphill battle with the world not understanding autism, so for both of us to be where we are at ALL means we're winning. No one knows what they're doing, everyone gets doubts, everyone is flying by the seat of their pants. So, you're right. We're going to be fine.

[@skippingseaglass]

god, i felt this. thank you for the reminder, buddy, i really needed it.

[@waddlehi]

Hey, I know this is a really rough time. I am on the spectrum (high functioning) and I have had quite a rough go at it for a while. I had to go on a big leave from my job a year ago because I was in a downward spiral and I thought I would never be happy. I had to take months out of my life for therapy and recovery. I just got home 2 months ago and I am struggling with not being productive while I wait on moving. The best thing I learned being away for so long is that its okay to get help and its okay to give yourself time. I really hope we can both be as successful as we want to and I know we can.

[@darrenmcfadden6744]

I think this video is fun. And I would be happy to watch any video you put up, no matter the prep time

[@prinnydadnope5768]

It's great that you do this kind of video. It's important, it helps other, it's the kind of thing I hope you can find some pride in. Thank you.

[@Totaraum]

I think we could all stand to be kinder to ourselves. Thanks for making me tear up while I'm supposed to be working lol

[@leftysage]

Thank you for making this video. I've been going through a tough time, and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[@IIITrunks]

Queer time is real. When I first moved out in 2020 (I was 26), I realised I was asexual and had to essentially discard the last 15 years or so of my life and identity. It was gruelling and mournful process. About 6 months into living in that house the land lady wanted her son to move in so I was told at the end of the year the lease couldnt be renewed. I had to move back home and it was awful. Because I also had no job now. I eventually got out of there and am living in my own place, I still feel like I'm lagging and always like I'm at the cusp of having to discard all of my life and identity again. I remember hearing how you should live and grow at your own pace, and it kind of reassured me, but not really. That was 5 years ago. But over time its cemented itself more in my mind and I am a little more reassured. In fact I feel almost blessed I've had to scrap everything and start from scratch. I get to REALLY know myself in ways straight/neurotypical people dont have to, but never have the real privilege of doing like we do.

[@Slave-of-the-most-merciful]

Thanks for talking about Autism, I'm not autistic but my cousin is and the more people understand it the better things will be

[@ranshi6417]

I feel that about neurodivergence, to the point where I decided to take a year off college because I was tired of progress feeling so "slow." I've thought a lot in this time and I'm trying to take it more easy, maybe it's okay that I don't know what I'm doing or if I'll be a "normal person" by the deadline I set for myself. At this point, I'd rather do a minute of the things I'm at least semi-interested in a day than force myself to grind for goals that I don't have the mind for, just to disappoint myself day after day when I sit around getting distracted. It's been hard not knowing what I "have", if I have it, because of how slow progress has been with trying to get the right therapist, psychiatrist or whoever will listen. Sometimes I feel like I'm a thread away from figuring out what exactly is going on then it just leaves me. Either way yeah, I'm starting to want to give myself time to figure that out, instead of forcing expectations of how life is supposed to go onto myself.

[@The_Blazelighter]

Speaking as someone who han't been diagnosed with any neurodivergent condition, I still related a lot of what you said. I've passed up job opportunities because they weren't interesting, I've had to rely on the financial stability of my parents, and I've felt like I'm doing worse than my peers even if that isn't really the case. Life is difficult, and we all have our own problems to deal with. We don't have to deal with them alone, and most are only temporary. It takes effort to be hopeful, but having hope makes it easier to deal with current circumstances. No matter who you are, remember that you are loved, and that you have infinite potential. Good luck folks, and don't eat your landlord, regardless of how good they taste.

[@shoujoweirdo2023]

Really feeling this as the cost of my support needs might lead to me living out of my car soon 🙃 You remain one of the most insightful people on KZbin, and I've been really loving your work on Hard Drive lately. I know it feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back, but you won't even notice the progress you're making until it's too late. (And that's a threat)

[@n0odle184]

When life breaks us, we fill the cracks with something stronger :)

[@tilt9808]

I think both me and quite a few of my friends have been feeling quite similiar for some time now, great vid

[@TheLuigi545]

Thank you so much for, even while you are in a bad place, you where still able to make something that is about positivity at the core. I can relate, and of course also can't, so let's just say a lot of your word felt... familiar. So, I want to try and give something back. As someone who can and cannot relate, I know that you know that this not just may, but will go over. You will get through this and find a better place at the end. Last year I personally struggled a lot. But in the end it all worked out and I was able to accept myself again. I hope that I can keep this state up for a long time, because, well, I like being happy. But a thing that never once has left me, is the lingering uncertainty of life itself, something always comes up, that makes you question yourself, your actions, your state of life. To me, it happens all the time. Because of that, a scene in the series "The Boys" really touched me. It told me, and made me realize, that no one knows what he is doing, what is going on. No one has the answers. And everyone who does, has just figured out to hide it pretty well. Or something like that. I am not exactly shure, if this comment has a point, but I hope it was helpful anyway. I am going to watch you other videos on this topic now, maybe it helps me with finding answers for my own diagnosis.

[@BucketPls]

Thanks for the video, Fudj! I know words from someone online are not entirely something that helps everyone or you, but I still want to write this here in hopes that the video and some comments similar to this helps someone else out somewhere out there. I too have been going through a rough time right now. Luckily it feels I am at the butt end of it all, but it sadly does not make the repeated experience any better. In times like this, just like you said, it is good to remind oneself to know you are not alone and to take the time that is needed. This time is often also refered to as an Autistic Burnout, which can truly come out of nowhere and ushers in a time of overthinking, feeling rejected, making things seem like there is no way to get back to how things were or anything else that might trouble the autistic person in question. For me it was the stress and anxiety that I got from building my own PC for the first time that made the domino effect go off. Suddenly I was painfully aware of all the problems around my house, felt like people were acting different towards me and like I could never ever get into a place (both physically and mentally) where I can be trully comfortable and liked, which of course made me try and hold on/rush towards these things even more and excelerating the dominos while doing so. This is sadly enough something that will never get easier to get through and will always be the worst of moments to properly ask for help, especially if you think the people around you can not offer it or if you think they already have enough to deal with themselves. As a 27 year old that has the same ambitions as you said in your video (just being able to live a 'normal' life and being part of something) this genuinely feels crippling in the time it all happens. Although all that happens and is bound to happen again, I do too always try to keep myself grounded in times like that. The things I keep repeating to myself are along the lines of: these things are not failures, I am not alone in this and repeating the things that do go better compared to the last time I had the dominos tip over. The last one obviously being the hardest to keep up, as we all know that compliments made to oneself feel like lying, but personally I feel like keeping it to facts such as "I still made dinner instead of ordering out" are a great way of getting the focus on some positive things. Now I realize writing this that the message might not be as inspiring or positive as I hoped it to be, but I think having some insight of multiple people in a similar scenario can be in someway comforting in a time that can dig up so much insecurity. To Fudj and anyone else reading this, you got this! This feeling sucks and it makes it seem like the ground is crumbling from underneath you, but knowing the autistic brain of mine and many of the ones around me, this is also yet another learning moment of self eveluation and growth. Maybe not the growth that will help you right at the moment or maybe even next time, but growth to at the very least help someone else out while they are in that situation. The growth needed to realize that you might be able to give what you'd want to receive in such times and spread some good in a community of people that have such a hard time standing on their 2 feet. Cheers to you all!

[@Felicificity]

Hey it’s felicificity - thanks for the video. I think you’re spot on that this particular phase of your life is one experienced by a lot of our generation. A decade or two down the line I think you will be able to look back on this part of your life as a hurdle you’ll be proud you eventually cleared. Keep your head up man and best of luck with YT and Twitch (and the bluebird website, if it stops being on fire).

[@mattyviper198]

Hey bud - I had to move back home due to mental health. Now a year later I have a good job, girlfriend, and lots of friends. Thank you for this video - I know you’ll get through this. It always gets better.

[@Nico2171]

really love your work on hard drive, I honestly didn't know about this all. but I wish you the best. I had and have my own struggles with mental health so it is always good to hear other people talk about there experiences. makes you feel understood

[@NickyCrispy]

Appreciate you sharing this with us. I definitely resonate with a lot of the hardship you're going through right now, with myself currently trying to move out and find my own place as soon as I can. Here's to hoping that we both get through this :)

[@gustavju4686]

I feel the same way and I'm 28. You'll make it. Just think of what might've gone wrong and if it was due to forces you couldn't control or bad monetary decisions.

[@Spork-bv5zn]

Dang this was an incredibly beautiful video, great job dude!

[@fernandoportal5422]

I hope everything gets better remember that life can change for better. I love your videos.

[@bristowski]

This (and moreover Hard Drive) is a good channel. I like Brad.

[@Lamentationsofapoory]

I resonate a lot with what you said about "Going backwards", and if it's okay, I'd like to share that now, as a fellow 25 - going on 26 year old. In November of 2021, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. We lived together, we imagined a life together, but it fell apart. We grew into different people and both came to the conclusion that we weren't happy together anymore. So, I broke up with her. The next few months were awful. I moved back in with a friend who lived in the exact same apartment complex with the - exact same floor plan - as I lived in in 2015. Nothing screams "I'm moving backwards" than living in the same place you did 7 years ago, except it's not even your name on the lease. I was deeply unhappy, and bleeding money. Ended up making the arduous choice of moving in with some extended family. This was over a year ago now. But, it was the right choice. I'm as close as I've ever been to making my career into reality, I met the woman I think I might marry, and I've learned a lot about the person I lost in that 4 years, myself. It does get better. It doesn't get easier, but it does get better. Adult life is simply really fucking difficult. But in those times you have to lean on those you love, that's who'll give you the will to keep going. Best of Luck Mr. Seal Man. I'll check out the other channel. All the best, Cam.

[@sooubic]

Thank you for this series. I really related to a lot of the stories within it and I became an avid viewer of the channel. Thank you.

[@idontcheckmynotifications]

I have complex PTSD and same man… same… even as a stranger what you said here i vibed some and yeah just same robbed of so much. I hope you can get back on your feet faster than me

[@JoshBurcham104]

Just wanna say, you may not have accomplished much monetarily, but you made art and stuff you care about and thats priceless

[@Rileycrabtree]

You're not alone, and you are being harsh on yourself all things considered. As a fellow autistic creative millennial unreasonably-handsome capital-G-Gamer, I am also stuck in queer/neurodivergent time. The anxiety of seeing family and friends appearing to find their place and purpose without you in a society that feels alien and hostile is so real. Hang in there, you are making great videos, and my life is slightly better for having watched them. We are in this together, and there are so many more people with us too.

[@Kellan__they-them]

Aranock did a really good video on Queer Relativity, if anyone watching this was curious about that aspect of Fudj's video.

[@SwifteeSpark]

Beautiful Video. So glad you shared!

[@thebigdawgj]

39, autistic, still live with my parents. I've run a video game stream since I was a teenager and I still have zero regulars, so you're already doing better than me even with this setback of yours.

[@loziclec.1295]

I've been doing the same job for four years now. It's a job that I like, but it doesn't earn me enough to move out (even though I'm earning more than my friends who do live on their own). I'm thankful that my parents have been patient and letting me live with them, but I can feel their judgment, particularly my mom's. Just today, I finally told her about my ASD diagnosis, and after having to convince her that it was legit, she told me to keep it secret from my coworkers. She's worried it might affect my "chances of getting promoted and *finally earning a living wage*." (Her emphasis, not mine). I'd like to move out and live on my own too, but I'm struggling to envision what I want to do with my life besides that.

[@spongyoshi]

Great video, you've really set the perfect topic for it... I'm both autistic and trans and I'm definitely struggling as I have my first full-time job and with that, trying to find a place to live, forced resting from my exhaustion and progressing on my transition... I rarely get time to work on my projects or projects for others or even energy/time for gaming or meeting people and I feel so guilty about it... But I can't help it... I also feel, so guilty and behind on everything socially that I just didn't or couldn't do compared to others. And all the other stuff from still living in my mom's place even if I'm really trying to find a place to live or just realizing after my twenties that I'm trans... So hearing you talk about that topic, it helps a lot! I'm glad people commenting can help just as much as you making such videos can help others as well! I've been trying to work on all that lately so the timing is just ideal. Thank you so much, best of luck for your situation, I hope it goes well and I definitely enjoy your hard drive content!!

[@Cool30Comics]

Lol its comforting to know someone else is going through the exact same thing. Hang in there m80

[@deejams18]

I grew up being told that my laziness, my poor communication, and I'm sure some other things, were due to external factors, mainly video games. I understand now as an adult that video games are not the cause of my issues, and since becoming an adult, recontextualising what autism means outside of being the weird kid at school pretty much meant becoming a new person. I still struggle with the idea of concepts like executive dysfunction, though. I still feel lazy. Are we lazy for not doing our best to eliminate all obstacles in our way? All I need to do to cook is to learn new recipes. All I need to do to study is to open a book. All I need to do to go for a run is put on my trainers and step out the door. Have you had feelings like this?

[@TaleOfTheToaster]

Strangely accurate that 25 was the age I finally stopped thinking all the "what have I done with my life" lark and learned to appreciate what I'd done and what lies ahead even if it's not thr typical vision of a homeowning future dad with a wife or whatever, it's not a one shoe fits all type thing but funny how we moved past a lot of that at the exact time And bugger me they really took down your Twitter AGAIN

[@commonviewer2488]

Thank you for making this

[@loxdude]

Man. This getting back sounds just hard. I hope you can do well "back home" and get back to getting back out in the world when you want to.

[@billassburger6854]

glad i decided not to unsub from this channel after you moved to hard drive this was so amazing rly something i needed rn

[@Yuti640]

My thought is honestly that you or, anyone for that matter, doesn’t need to be a “normal adult”, I mean the world is so much more crazier, in positive and negative ways, and that idea of a normal life is very much rooted in what the previous generation experienced, I’d say just focus on trying to find your own bit of satisfaction in life, and as long as what you do doesn’t hurt others, then it’s fine As for myself, I’d say I’ve been going though something similar, life has been an absolute wreck for as long as I can remember so I’m taking a year to just recoup before I get back into the thick of things, I know I’ll have to and I won’t shirk on my responsibilities, but I’m trying to not let the stress of the eventualities push me down in the now