Alex Lane - I Have a Sparkling Personality (Disorder)

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Alex Lane, performing at Rust 2019 in St. Louis, MO
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Button Poetry is committed to developing a coherent and effective system of production, distribution, promotion and fundraising for spoken word and performance poetry.
We seek to showcase the power and diversity of voices in our community. By encouraging and broadcasting the best and brightest performance poets of today, we hope to broaden poetry's audience, to expand its reach and develop a greater level of cultural appreciation for the art form.

[@iceslayer1567]

“its not that i dont remember why i wanted to die I just sometimes forget why I wanted to live” This Line 😭🧡😭🧡😭🧡🧡🧡

[@mikaylasmith4181]

YES! I love it when other spoken words artists write poems about BPD. There aren’t many out there.

[@vaughncook9188]

Factz

[@JanuaryLovesSelena]

I wrote one but I lost it when I got a new laptop 😂

[@Checkersss]

I love this. “I introduce my heart on my sleeve, beating love me, love me, love me because I love you; but hurt me and I’ll do more damage than you can ever imagine.” BPD trait right there.

[@clairekeeping1187]

'"You can't run from this" I tell her. It always finds me in the end So she hears all of this, smiles and she takes a step back I get that a lot." Really felt this. Also the lines about begging people to love you with your heart on your sleeve but your mom doesn't understand, writing separate suicide letters for different people, including your dog, been there too. She really hit the nail on the head with this and did a great job of putting it into words. Fantastic poem!

[@StephJ0seph]

"The funny thing about running from the Boogieman is that you can't lock yourself out of your mind." Snaps for that👏🏽

[@aimeelee9848]

I've literally had people step back. This is a cruel disorder, I wish people could understand

[@shadownix7355]

Yeah... Yeah me too I'm with you

[@Temerarier]

i think it depends, some people get easily hurt and take things very much to heart. I understand why that kind of person would rather step back from someone on the spectrum out of fear that they will reach the devaluation stage. At the same time, I think if the friend/partner is aware of what they can take and is good in setting and keeping up boundaries it doesn't matter anymore what kind of PD one has as long as both parties communicate and are willing to improve to make it work :).

[@alyssaotterness6065]

i’ve always said i wouldn’t wish this disorder upon my worst enemy. it’s so cruel having to live like this

[@dicappriojj]

@@Temerarier Isn't devaluation stage inevitable unless the person with BPD has had significant treatment and learned the skills to overcome their fear of abandonment? To understand the difference between their perceptions and reality? It's my understanding that younger borderlines or ones who've experienced recent traumas are more likely to split on their close friends and intimate partners which means being devalued at some point in time.

[@borbalakaproncai9681]

same. "crazy is not a clinical term" one of my favorite lines

[@shaima2789]

Literally, my jaw was on the floor when I was listening to this until she said "smiles, and she takes a step back, i get that a lot", my heart ached and I cried.

[@alkemyfrost]

so well expressed, it's hard to explain these things when mental illness is inaccurately depicted as dangerous and villainous :( you try to say "I'm scared" and they hear "I'll hurt you" or any other number of things depending on what it is. Hopefully, things keep moving to better times. I hope you (anyone reading this who's struggling) find someone who doesn't take a step back, date, friend, family, therapist, whatever is best for you, and that you get to heal at the pace and in the way that's right for you.

[@SnaDyl]

You too, friend

[@jenniferdereby6931]

Thank you! Finally! BPD is a silent internal battle. Thank you madam! Brought me to tears. I don't feel so alone anymore.

[@fludderkiddie]

Wow…As a borderline myself? This is pretty damned accurate.

[@ASMinor]

I have BPD, and am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and spoken word performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my KZbin channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates.

[@lexisjourneys1890]

OMG I am crying right now this is exactly how I feel I am so appreciative that someone put it into words!!!

[@Theunhurriedhippie]

Me. Freaking. Too.

[@loud.scene2336]

I always find myself back here to this poem. She hits the nail everytime. Bpd is so hard to also maintain relationships with. I love this

[@slgabrielle]

I don’t even know how many times I’ve listen to this by now. BPD is so hard. But this does a good job of putting a lot of it into words.

[@valleyjuergemeier7644]

Same. Idk why it makes me feel better to watch it over again. But i do often. It is one thing i use to help explain to people what its like. Its powerful 💞

[@desiree111]

so well written! I replayed it 4 times because it pulls at my heartstrings. my therapist thinks I have BPD, and honestly I just can’t stop crying because this is so relatable 😭😭

[@chelsym3459]

Hey, I just found out recently that I have it after several years of not recognizing the symptoms, I went back to therapy after a few really rough periods and realizing I was getting worse, not better, after trying several solutions by myself not realizing what was going on (I thought I was having bad friendships/relationships, bad days, etc, maybe I was hypersensitive, anxious, but I dismissed the severity of it for a long time). I started opening up more and found out I have BPD, my therapist has started a DBT treatment plan for me. It's been a very confusing process to realize that what I've been dealing with for so long is actually a disorder, but that means there is hope to get better and learn how to live with it. I'm sorry you're going through this! You're not alone

[@shaynagriffin7875]

It’s different for everyone. I, for example, have never experienced suicidal ideation. But the story you told about when you were 4... that hit home. I always thought this disorder, maybe I don’t really have it and I was misdiagnosed because I was in a particularly toxic relationship. But when you said that story, it made me realize that maybe I have struggled with it longer than that.

[@SpacePrinc3ss]

I have been WAITING for Button to post a BPD poem. Thank you thank you thank you so very much for this.

[@IHeartKeyDracoNiall]

thank you for putting life to the words i have always wanted to express but could never structure, this is such a powerful poem!

[@ButtonPoetry]

Thanks for listening

[@nobleinthought8019]

jesus, she is so spot-on

[@nobleinthought8019]

this poem is incredible. i literally have tears in my eyes.

[@selenaraja4232]

‘It’s not that I don’t remember why I wanted to die, sometimes I just forget why I wanted to live’.

[@Carol10221]

OMG I just wish the whole world could see this poem, she describes perfectly Borderline

[@AnemoneEmily.]

I love the poem and the delivery! The flow of this and the word interplay is amazing!

[@astro5914]

as someone who lives with BPD i can say ive never related to anything more in my entire life

[@Grotesque_Anatomy]

As someone with BPD thank you I needed this explanation

[@ashh4883]

I saw this as a reel on Facebook, and related to it so intensely that I came to find the original video to tell you how much I love this and thank you for writing and sharing this. Thank you.

[@hippyelise1]

You are just beautiful! I love your poem too..keep at it girl.

[@ButtonPoetry]

Thank you for listening!

[@justmai2476]

Such a painful ending... Absolutely loved the poem. Let's destigmatize BPD through poetry! -someone who loves a pwBPD

[@Shutupblake]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@laurizajeanierosel.6309]

so poignant i wanna cry. this one is my favorite now: (

[@tanvimadan1971]

This is SO BEAUTIFUL! Thank you so much for this. I’m still trying to understand what my disorder exactly is, it’s been 6 years. But thank you !

[@Neknee88]

“I forget why I wanted to live” 🔥🔥🔥

[@mihaelachiliciuc7172]

Gosh.. How this hits. 🥺❤️ Speechless. Bravo!

[@janazimmerman5917]

Love you

[@ladygoo0001]

This reminds me of my mother. These words I’ve read before in her journals. I learned that there isn’t a better just a worse. I accept her& I don’t see her as weak like her other family. I love you mom

[@nickiepocock1041]

I'm not stepping back, I'm stepping forward ❤️❤️❤️

[@jacobtaylor3640]

Holy Shit! That was incredible! All the things I think and all the things I have been through.... coming from someone else. Thank you for sharing this! It was beautiful!

[@savannahstinks6067]

this gives me goosebumps. thank you for the bpd content.

[@yusra7414]

You can’t lock yourself out of your mind

[@avianaembry1536]

THIS. It hurt me and resonated with me at the same time.

[@kaylakurgun332]

Wow! Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing this with us!

[@alexshadowspear]

Thank you for letting me listen to you vocalise my feelings. I still can't find any words to tell people anything about what I'm going through the fear of being tossed away again is just to much. At least I can heat it from someone who gets what I'm feeling

[@laylaw.4346]

Thank you, so, so much.

[@goddamnneedsomehelp]

love love love

[@m.ivonnevelazquez3044]

This is amazing.

[@JazzTKO]

YES YES YES ... amazing

[@willetracaldwell5741]

Wow! This is amazing

[@achingaster1199]

This piece is so heartbreaking and amazing.

[@sabashahin_]

Beautiful poem and great presentation!

[@nectarineuroticism]

Yess, love from St. Louis!!!

[@CarrieLeighSandoval]

Well done.

[@aprilclarke5598]

Amazing

[@Fromtheforgottengardens]

The poem is delivered with such a depth of emotions, you can feel those emotions. 👏👏

[@whateverlol6682]

amazing.

[@ayasameh846]

Girl, this is really good!:"D

[@kclove5768]

“It’s not that I don’t temper why I wanna die, it’s just that sometimes I forget why I wanna live.” WOW JUST WOW THAT HIT ME REALLY DEEP

[@user-kh8ph3hf8r]

Step back hurts Keep writing its a long long journey I'm glad you know early on It will mean less loss

[@destinylikefate7977]

Omggggg yesss !!!! I related soooooo much !

[@janazimmerman5917]

You are so so good. At this. I want to hear more.

[@ButtonPoetry]

Thank you so much!!

[@xxshelbybear]

I have that too!

[@mcat7928]

Saw this just posted on ig, just a quote and I'm immediately drawn to the title so i went here to see the full poem, lowkey hoping it was what i think it is about and yes! I love you already for writing this one. 🧡 my babysitter also left without saying goodbye, her leaving was so sudden to me as far as i can recall. i remember running after her but she was nowhere in sight anymore. after she left, i develop attachment to things, my toys, that my mother insisted we should give away to another relative. As a kid, it's not that I'm intentionally being selfish for acting up on this act of charity, back then i didn't understand why it hurted that much too. Until a new neighbor kid came and we become bestfriends but before college, they had to migrate to different state so yeah...I mean as an only child, I've always thought it's typical for me to feel a certain level of fear of abandonment, knowing that at some point I'll be left alone in this world without my parents, and I've got no siblings to help, no other house to sleep over with that's thick as family. so yeah....

[@mesholberatsonallibi]

wow i relate

[@xxshelbybear]

♥️

[@deIcorazon]

wow wow wow

[@jessicabelle8398]

have watched hundreds of button poetry over the years and read thousands of mental health blogs, but your words were different. Your words made me *nauseous.* They made my insides turn. You just said what I’ve been trying to understand about myself in my own head since I was 6 years old.

[@chelsym3459]

I just found out I have Borderline Personality Disorder, thank you for this poem

[@kajal503]

I have it too and this just sums it up

[@amberann9608]

Dustin....I miss you, Bay.

[@sleepingmarso]

I want more of her. Do you guys know where to find more of her?

[@sweesbees]

i relate to this poem too much to be normal i think

[@kayteejohnson1202]

Why does this give me Alissa Harris “That girl” vibes?

[@BillKaulitzFan26]

Felt

[@wildchild574]

Bpd ...... thanks I have someone to relate.

[@lylaschmidt4681]

Does anyone know where to find her on social media??

[@mesholberatsonallibi]

so i am not as unstable to have bpd,but i am still very unstable ,and i don’t understand what i have can somone help? I obsesse over ppl and have dreams about them and dream about them and stalk there accounts and save there photos to my phone and kiss the photos and i cry every day so hard and if i’m bored i feel empty numb and i cry and if i’m upset i scream and cry and yell ,if i’m off my medication then i become so unstable i almost k!!ll myself and want to run away and can’t stop crying and i’m always scared of abaondment meds or not and i always feel so empty like this emptiness that woult go away

[@amberdavis7481]

This is powerful. But This makes me sad. We all have work. But I believe there is a special person that will care for us, all of us as long as we are trying.. I know she isnt saying this but I don't think you have to have BPD to have unhealthy relationships.

[@kayw1401]

So relatable maybe i have BPD ?!?

[@shinzontheta]

Wierd thing about bpd is that is normal things put out to it's most extreme.

[@martincurran6432]

People with BPD never speak about the hateful rage they put their partners through when they haven't even done anything wrong.

[@brentdawson584]

Hey comment section homosexuals

[@brentdawson584]

Okay fuck this is really fucking good

[@tessarae9127]

😂

[@alylane6745]

😂

[@_tiktok_royalty_145]

Ok hold up I'm lost for words... Right now

[@Itsraininben]

". . .but God do I build them, just without the truth. I tell her I'm not a sociopath . . ."

[@chrishouston968]

I'm dual diagnosed with both bipolar and BPD. So, perpetually single?

[@kayleew594]

People taking a step back is normal 🤷🏽‍♀️ them actually staying tho ? Willingly ?? Like wtf why .. Just leave like I already know you will

[@nickiepocock1041]

I also have BPD and it's very difficult to explain to people. I think you did a great job!!!! And you are NOT alone my sister! I felt everything you said and it seemed very genuine. I'm growing and getting better in some ways, but the pain is still very much there. 💔 🫶

[@SnaDyl]

Amazing

[@ButtonPoetry]

You are

[@SnaDyl]

@@ButtonPoetry aw shucks