Am I the ash0le? Examining sensitivity online | Khadija Mbowe

[@KhadijaMbowe]

When was the last time you held someone accountable without using shame? (TIME STAMPS ARE IN THE DESCRIPT!)

[@Animefreak242]

About a month ago. But I'm mean

[@comkver]

You forgot the link to the menstrual cups 😅

[@botanicalitus4194]

i think the issue comes when shame is the end all be all of responses to an infraction. People shame, feel good about themselves for making the perpetrator/bad guy feel ashamed, and move on. And there is definitely a value to victims of these infractions feeling good and feeling vindicated, so shame has a place, but its not a solution. It can coexist with education, nuance, and even compassion. a lil bit of shame is a good thing, imo. the problem is that online we dont just use a lil bit

[@merc5333]

Please, the link, I want to try this beautiful cup

[@cecilie...]

About a month ago. Had to unfriend someone because they were detrimental to my and my other friends' mental health. When they demanded an explanation and started to call us names I wrote a long letter calming but firmly explaining the situation. Was blocked after that but tbh, I don't mind that very much. I highly recommend letter writing to solve emotionally draining relationships. If only to get some closure for yourself!

[@thefeelingoflookingataclea932]

‘Are we committed to being better, or are we just interested in being right?’ That hit a lot harder than I’m comfortable admitting.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

But you seem open to receiving it 💕

[@thefeelingoflookingataclea932]

@@KhadijaMbowe I’m working on it 💕

[@williampearson6299]

@@thefeelingoflookingataclea932 Voice Memos for the Void: kzbin.info/www/bejne/opetfmRviJZrgbs

[@armykayla9971]

I felt this too!😅

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

Loveee

[@goblin3359]

"You were once learning the thing that you are now teaching to someone." *STANDING OVATION*

[@mewmew6158]

*shouts in agreement intensify*

[@cee2cee]

Woooooooo!!!!

[@kristianawilson9038]

@Dennis Plum 100%, you never know who you're talking to sometimes. It's better to be humble from the start and not get embarrassed.

[@katherineezell8462]

why did i read that as ovulation 😂

[@no_ononono3074]

@Dennis Plum this! A very wise person once told me that we should approach life as if we are it’s student. We can learn from everyone regardless of if they are “correct/good/bad/stupid/smart”. When we stop wanting to learn, we stop growing. The people who act like they know everything typically are pretty miserable and don’t go to far because they are unable to open up their perspective. We’re all gonna look stupid sometimes but that’s life, that’s how to learn. The people who are so desperately looking for validation and community, fearing looking stupid more than anything, unfortunately fall prey to certain ideologies that cripple them from learning more. They get caught in echo chambers and become intolerant of other opinions, even going as far to have mental breakdowns and tantrums when confronted with a different opinion god forbid a flat out you’re wrong. Social media has kinda killed humility and authenticity, which I think are some qualities we need most in this world rn.

[@booksvsmovies]

Rowan Ellis' video on the problem with "Google is free" activism is really great. She touches on how google's algorithms are specialized so while I may get evidence-based factual search results someone else may get Breitbart.

[@theprofessionalfence-sitter]

Even if it weren't for the algorithm, people are more likely to end up reading the easier to understand (and probably more likely to be wrong) sources. If you were only moderately interested in some topic, would you read through the paper that spends half of its time talking about the appropriate statistical models and difficulties in gathering the data to answer the question, or some bloke's blog full of convenient scapegoats and easy solutions?

[@Acidfunkish]

With Google, you definitely need to be aware to remove biases from your questions. If you put your biases in, it will give you biases, in return. I don't necessarily think that Google works like Tiktok and KZbin, in that the algorithm tries to radicalise people (intentionally or not, it doesn't matter, it still happens). But knowing HOW to ask it for factual answers is a skill, itself. If you ask something like, "Are the migrant caravans coming to r-word us all," you're already using very specific phrases used only by a specific political leaning, and will get mostly articles using that phrase. That is working as intended.

[@Acidfunkish]

@@christopherbrown5409 If you distrust all of academia, why bother using any resources, at all? You're going to believe what you want to believe, anyway. Why hold any pretense about it, and pretend that your googling for flat earthism and climate denialism is more valid than people's doctorates and lifelong careers interpreting data. There is no logic or reasoning behind those kinds of biases. So why pretend? IDGI.

[@Alice-gr1kb]

@@christopherbrown5409 exactly this

[@booksvsmovies]

@@christopherbrown5409 I mean... yeah. I don't think I personally get the "good" search results and everyone else gets clickbait and propaganda. I try practicing media literacy and not accepting the first thing I read as truth. Especially if what I'm reading conforms to my biases. But we can't all be perfect and vigilant all the time.

[@jenraffiasco3598]

Only at minute 13:08, but I didn’t want to forget. If you are familiar with Brene Brown’s research in shame, she has peer-reviewed statistics about how effective shame is in the long run at changing behavior. Spoiler alert: it isn’t effective. She explains how guilt says “I did a bad thing,” and shame says “I am a bad thing.” If I am inherent bad, how can I even try to be good? Guilt can be an effective motivator, but shame only produces short-term results.

[@ima.m.1658]

Yess. This differentiation is so important. Shame kills (metaphorically and literally) a lot of people, and it’s really hard but necessary to turn feelings of shame into guilt instead.

[@kierralovestv]

“People really wanna like misunderstand you” GIRL. A word. A sentence. A psalm. People on the internet want you to be a jerk so bad. It’s why I try to be as clear as I can online bc I’m not a shitty person but ik for a fact someone is waiting for me to be. I’m a person, I don’t always say things right. As you said, I wish people had more compassion. I wish people would stop assuming that everybody is just an ahole. Some people simply just don’t know. Loved this sm.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

omggg so happy to see you here!!! Been binging your vids lol

[@kierralovestv]

@@KhadijaMbowe I’ve been watching YOURS 😭💗

[@zzzleeepy]

i feel like people usually want to understand each other but expect each other to be assholes. it’s sad and counterintuitive but it usually comes from a real place of hurt

[@sophiaisabelle027]

Khadija Mbowe’s insights on various relevant issues are definitely something we should all look forward to. It really opens up our eyes and hearts to always take necessary action in any given time or context. Problems will stay as problems if no action is being initiated to actually resolve them.

[@temp_unknown]

I definitely feel this so much more that I'm not 19 anymore. I was VERY very much adamant and militant about things, everything was black and white, and I was miserable all the time because everywhere there was a fight. I'm the same person* I was then (nonbinary autistic black lesbian) but i've stopped a) seeing all men as my enemy b) seeing all white people as my enemy c) seeing all NT people as my enemy d) seeing all straight people as my enemy. There are 100% people who do not care about me and don't have any love for me, but I'm not going to burn an olive branch if it's offered in good faith. I still won't educate strangers all the time because I don't consent to being a free public resource, but I always make time to explain things to my friends - and if they don't get it, then I interrogate our friendship. But I'm over just holding onto hate. (also fellow BPD haver hey!)

[@maroontiger1361]

People like you really give me hope for the future. I hope all marginalized young people will get to the point that they can adopt this worldview.

[@mochitea5638]

how ar u lesbian and non binary

[@temp_unknown]

@@mochitea5638 Nonbinary means literally anyone outside of the binary, including people who identify partially with womanhood.

[@mochitea5638]

@@temp_unknown so...u identify partially with womanhood?

[@temp_unknown]

@@mochitea5638 Partially, yes, but not always. Sometimes I don't feel like any gender, and sometimes I'm fine with being seen as a woman. Instead of coming out every few days when my feelings change, nonbinary as a whole encompasses the sum of my feelings.

[@entropyinreverse]

Up until a few years ago, shaming people was my MO when it came to disagreements. I realise now I did that to gain validation and a feeling of moral righteousness that combated my underlying thoughts of worthlessness. Basically, it felt good. Therapy really changed that for me. Having BPD I deal with a lot of internal shame, mostly around not being equal to others or "good enough" as a person in general. I realised I felt better about myself when I was able to deem someone else morally beneath me. In dealing with my issues around my own shame, I've become way less harsh on others. As you've pointed out, attacking and shaming people only makes them double down, because of course they do! You're attacking their worth as a human, something we all struggle with. They're hardly going to decide that you're right because: facts and walk away with a whole new perspective. The only way people change their beliefs is when they're treated with empathy and dignity. They are not beneath you. You would have been them and had their beliefs if you lived their experience. You need to understand how someone could, for example hold racist ideas becauyof what they've been taught in a system that harms all of us. Labelling them 'racist' is a moral judgment, it doesn't educate or address false information, and immediately creates distance between you and them. On the other hand, if people are willing to engage respectfully, explaining to them how their view points have come about, who they benefit, the system they stem from etc., and then outlinin the negative consequence that their ideas have on racialised people in the real world is a much better approach. At the end of the day, if we genuinely want to push the movement forward, we need to have the patience and empathy to look at everyone around us as someone who is looking for community, we all want to feel valuable, helpful and valid. Let's stop demonising other humans and start welcoming them in for a cup of tea and a chat.

[@leahsanders798]

I always had friends who are the way you are now, who gave me so much patience and grace because they knew I was overall a good person. And even though I don't see them anymore, I think about them with a sense of gratitude all the time. If you're one of those people, you're a gem in this world. And I applaud you for your growth ❤️.

[@aleciosun1060]

I don't disagree with a gentle way to rehabilitate someone who is morally deficient, but if they are currently enacting harm and have no will to change, then why should we be polite about it?? If they did not mean to do harm, or are a bit ignorant then, sure! This method might work! But you cannot be a total pacifist to push this movement forward, people need to understand that this is serious or else we'll never get anywhere.

[@aleciosun1060]

@Dennis Plum no, it isn't. Listen, if you've been critised so much that you think EVERYTHING is harm then maybe you should try and understand if you're the problem. Black and indigenous people have suffered from a shit ton of harm in the past and that affects the present and the future. If they say something hurts them, then you listen to them and try to minimize your harm and change what's hurting them. Also why is it hard to NOT have dreadlocks? It's literally just telling you to do nothing, it isn't asking you to stop breathing. To get changes and a better world, you're gonna have to get uncomfortable, you need to change yourself even if it bothers you a little bit. Because it's better than continuing to hurt others.

[@helo218]

Damn well said!

[@wyattwarner2457]

Ive been thinking a lot about outreach and stuff and really appreciated your thoughts on it. I also have BPD and I’m coming into it from the other side: in order to fit in I didn’t push back on people being outright racist or otherwise bigoted around me. Part of my journey has in fact been insisting that various unacceptable behaviors are not tolerated in my presence. Like Khadija said, we have responsibilities to bettering our community, and i was shirking them. Certainly then and now I’d explain things in as much detail as needs to be in order to make myself understood, and that has been really successful, like you note. But there hits a limit and lots of people need hard boundaries and honest directness. And sometimes that means acknowledging the tremendous forces that shape us into our limited consciousnesses while also being explicit that certain behaviors are racist or sexist or ableist or whatever and that we are what we repeatedly do. There are lots of situations where racist is not a moral judgment but an accurate categorical description and I think being forthright about that does not preclude treating people with dignity and empathy nor preclude being understood. Speaking for myself, a huge part of my learning has come from people drawing hard lines and accurately describing my societally learned behaviors as racist or sexist. For a long time I would get defensive right away when hearing those things but they never failed to communicate my friends’ boundaries, and in my searching for why they would have such boundaries I learned soooooo many things I now consider foundational. At the time I considered myself shamed but in retrospect I see it as effective communication. And that my friends trusted me to see their point of view despite my initial offendedness i now understand as them showing me respect.

[@Whatever94-i4u]

Vilifying and demonizing mental health issues (especially personality disorders) is such a huge problem, and I love that you brought it up here.

[@FuzzyKittenBoots]

It's just so easy to say that everyone we don't like or who has done anything mean or cruel emotionally to us have either NP or BPD. Because then we don't have to explain what they did (and risk having what happened. questioned or invalidated) it's enough to just say that mum was an abusive borderline or dad was an abusive narcissist and everyone will nod feel sorry and not ask questions.

[@Whatever94-i4u]

@@FuzzyKittenBoots It's also easier to paint them as purely evil and demonize them to the extreme, like people to avoid like the plague instead of seeing them as human beings who internalized and developed an extremely maladaptive coping mechanism as a reaction to past trauma. Are they difficult people to be around sometimes (or oftentimes)? Sure. Are they monsters that should be kept in a confinement, far away from society and the "normal" people? Nope.

[@juno3281]

@@FuzzyKittenBoots actually being narcissistic and having NPD are two different things! there’s a whole story about narcissus falling in love with his own reflection,, a lot of people are narcissistic but that doesn’t mean they have NPD. mental health awareness has definitely increased, but not necessarily in a good way. most of the information is either wrong or just taken out of context. as a psychoanalysis major it pains me seeing people try to explain something that isn’t possible to explain without formal education. psychology is very convoluted, mostly because it’s such a new science, but even experts have no idea why some things happen. people tend to fill in the gaps with their own opinion, which results in this dichotomy of “good” or “bad”. people suck at seeing things objectively, and sadly, it really affects how people with debilitating disorders are treated. if we were actually taught about this stuff in school, instead of being shamed into abstinence, this probably wouldn’t be an issue. the whole idea is to separate the person from their disorder, but instead all anyone sees is that disorder. i usually don’t tell people about my own disorder cause they end up treating me like a child. personality disorders are very hard to live with, those people rly don’t need anymore stress put on them.

[@FuzzyKittenBoots]

@@juno3281 Actually a narcissist is someone with NP (not NPD btw). Being narcissistic on the other hand may refer to a persons behavior and/or personality traits. And yes we have hopefully all read at least a bit of Metamorphoses unless school failed us.

[@juno3281]

@@FuzzyKittenBoots yes that is what i said lmao but okay!

[@erinniccoinn1gh]

i am SO excited for this one. khadija's emotional intelligence is like a laser beam pew pew

[@lisapeesalemonsqueezah3241]

I SO agree with this. I remember when I was 18/19 and I had just moved into a big open minded city from a bigoted town (and a religious fundamentalist household) and ALL I WANTED was to learn and grow as a person but people would flip out at me when I screwed up or God forbid I asked a question that I "should have already known the answer to"

[@anomienormie8126]

I remember when I first found out about the existence of ftm (I’m ftm, but didn’t know that was even an option until 16), and I asked why being trans is valid and not a roleplay/delusion you’re asking others to play along with. I made it clear that I genuinely wanted an answer because I myself feel trans but didn’t know how it could be valid. But people (except like 1 in 50) were completely blind to that portion. They pin you as an enemy, and an enemy is one thing; You’re a cis transphobe. They didn’t want to help, they felt angry and wanted to hurt me. It amazes me how blind and deaf people can get when they pin you down as a stereotype strawman.

[@Sarah-re7cg]

@@anomienormie8126 not at all justifying them, but I could definitely see this happening. The sealioning is such a problem, you can’t tell if the person is asking in good faith or if they’re trolling you and it’s exhausting. I personally think this really mainly applies online because you can’t see the person because there’s so much information we receive in person (facial expressions, tone of voice, etc). Anyways, I’m really sorry this was your experience. 😞

[@Chachixo]

"Are we really committed to being better or are we just interested in being right and loud; or interested in people thinking the same thing we do to reaffirm what we believe?" And that is the question. This very thought has stopped me from wanting to share even the most mundane things because so many people are not interested in being a better version of themselves. Instead, they're interested in being right, loud and *better than* the person they're talking to. And it's trickled down into the most basic conversations. Some people thrive on a sense of superiority and, in their world, the worse sin is being wrong or changing your mind.

[@C2G2]

Thanks! Love your channel so much thank you for exsisting on youtube I needed to see a black woman like you on this platform you inspire me Khadija

[@mirithilrose54]

Khadija, you are so right about the believe women/white woman part. As a white woman I know that the only time rape gets taken 100% serious is when a white woman is raped by a black or brown man. I live in Europe and the only time I hear white men discuss rape is when it relates to immigrants. And when they talk about it it's almost always a hypothetical situation. It really makes me sick.

[@catsaresocute650]

That's bs, because while the right takes that one scenario as serious as they should take every case, the left and even police go into denial mode (see for example Hirsi Alan Alis work prey, she did an investigation there)

[@catsaresocute650]

The problem is left and right don't care about the 'own' percived group. They only see the problem when it's somone else and act serious when it's somone else against there in group woman

[@catsaresocute650]

For example the right will see the misstrratment of immigrant woman, but they won't actually fight for them. They'll be like oh there's a problem there and make it a point, but not actually try for change. There's only feminism there for that. Because only feminism is actually about saying womans rights are human rights and absulut

[@anitanielsen1061]

69 nice

[@lemsip207]

Same here in the UK with the Rotherham grooming gang. One side including the local police, local council and most Labour MPs turned a blind eye to it because to fight for the prosecution of them would be seen as 'racist' while the EDL used the situation to be racist. They don't care about white girls or women being raped by white men or non white girls or women being raped by the same grooming gangs. The sex advice worker was the one pushing for the arrest and prosecution of the gangs the entire time and that only happened when one of the victims tried to vandalise the fish and chip shop and got arrested for it. Then a new police team was hired to investigate it. The Muslim community came forward as well to speak out against it and said it had to stop and there was a Muslim barrister in court who was the prosecutor.

[@Princess_Weekes]

This was a deeply moving and excellent video. Nuance is key, and keeping grace for folks who we are in community with is important.

[@rockcriedout7679]

Love seeing you here, love you PW 💖

[@ltlbuddha]

Nuance is a bitch. It seems to fly in the face of how we are wired. Like rational thought, we can do it, but it is not our go to modality.

[@FaiaHalo]

As someone on the autism spectrum, I feel like people who are neurodivergent usually (not always unfortunately) can understand each other. I'm grateful that you trust us enough to share this. Much love from Latin America!

[@mrGOLDSACH]

You are one of the first channels I could find that would hold discourse/educate me without making me angry at the world so thank you much love and all that

[@vontrances4667]

And beyond that not making me angry, it makes me feel hopeful. Especially because the comment section (I did not sort by new) is so filled with support and unusually productive discussion especially here.

[@Kimicub]

This!

[@greynotchristian]

just curious, are you white/cis?

[@mrGOLDSACH]

@@greynotchristian Yes

[@greynotchristian]

@@mrGOLDSACH of course

[@Caitm13]

I really appreciate you talking about getting diagnosed with bpd. I was diagnosed with bpd years ago and really struggled with black white thinking online. I also found myself sinking into my habits harder when I saw the stigma online. Now I don’t even really meet that criteria anymore bc of DBT and EMDR. I wish more people discussed the recovery process and diagnosis to de-stigmatize it instead of claiming we’re monsters beyond help.

[@Celestein]

Just wanting to say that I've been watching your content for about a year now and that you feel like such a sincere, self-aware force for good. You have a balance of personal confidence yet humility that is very comforting. Also, I have a close family member with severe BPD so I know how much bravery it takes to share this in the open and I have nothing but respect, admiration and best wishes.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

🥺 thank you 💕

[@cometogether]

Living under systems of oppression keeps us in a state of reactivity, lashing out at each other instead of the people and systems doing the most harm because they're out of reach for a lot of us. It's true that social norms online should change and we can treat each other better, at the same time powerful hidden incentives encourage us to be assholes to each other. The alternative is that we recognize our shared oppression and organize! I found your video to be a thoughtful reflection on online discourse, planning on referencing it in a future vid of mine.

[@moximysfit]

Hi Khadija, thank you for being open with your diagnosis. I just wanted to butt in to say that Borderline is and has been the most common misdiagnosis for ‘high functioning’ NeuroDiverse (particularly autistic) women. Due mostly to misunderstandings of both BPD and autism with an atypical (read male) presentation. Anyways, love you love your videos and can’t wait to see more 💗💗

[@semantick]

I'm curious, do you mean atypical male presentation in the sense that we don't understand autism in women as well as we do men? Or do you mean women presenting with autistic symptoms and mannerisms most commonly recognized in autistic men?

[@moximysfit]

@@semantick both 😄 until recently the only model of autism revolved around presentations common in white boys - in fact there are many older clinicians who still think that females cannot be autistic. This is mostly because girls face greater social pressure from a younger age and have to adapt. Masking is the result, a state where you can appear ‘normal’ to others by sublimating any/all aspects of yourself. Obviously having to mask constantly from a young age is going to result in all kinds damage later in life, and that can look exactly like all kinds of things including borderline. There is also a huge problem with ‘bad’ autistics (those that don’t fit the Good Doctor model ) being over/mis diagnosed with cluster b disorders.

[@DieezahArts]

This comment was really needed. Misdiagnosis in non-white people walking in a "female body" from childhood is as prevalent as the absence of diagnosis altogether in that same population. It's not a U.S. or Canada only issue. Colonialism and a host of related problems have done us real dirty everywhere.

[@semantick]

@@moximysfitokay yeah I totally see what you mean! and thank you for clarifying for me :)

[@hyenaferrell8784]

i have a theory that what we think of as "borderline" is usually a neurodiverse child who has gone through a significant amount of trauma.

[@Scrimmified]

when you said 'some people weren't put in situations where they could learn things' I really felt that... I was raised in a school that was basically just flat out a christian cult and didn't learn ANYTHING about real science until I hit college. even then, college assumes you have a basic understanding of evolution so I never really understood what they were talking about. I feel dumb as hell all the time! especially when I try to google stuff, cause googling assumes you know where to start. plus, even if you're good at internet vetting, it's really easy to confirm existing biases online. thankfully I have a close group of friends willing to educate me on certain things, but my biggest fear was always that I'd say something in an online space out of ignorance and get harpooned. not that it wouldn't be my fault, but it's not like I'm not trying! I wound up actually deleting a lot of my social media a while back because I realized that internet culture was absolutely only making me want to learn to prove to other people I'm a good person, rather than for my own sake. god I love your videos so bad... you're always willing to approach these topics with a kind of nuance that I rarely see in online spaces.

[@Xan1120]

I honestly love the premise of this video. I’ve felt so unheard and misunderstood in my personal life and the idea that people have become so chronically online that they don’t actually know how recognize they’re being rude when even when they think they’re just being direct is beyond my own understanding sometimes. Like yes, I’m direct too, but I always attempt to center impact over intent no matter how much frustration I hold in any given interaction wether online or irl.

[@QuinnsIdeas]

I love this channel. LOVE this channel. So nuanced, so effective at communicating your point!!! Much respect!

[@_hunnybe]

5:39 that part! I remember hearing as a young adult, "you can't be the hero in every story; you are the villain in _somebody's_ story" It really kept me thinking about those I've wronged and how they'd feel about me.

[@ericaf6232]

I really like that you brought up the conversation about educating others on how to treat us. I will say that as a non-binary art educator, I am selective on how far I will go with certain conversations about trans identity and activism. Especially with other adults, I will require that you respect me and use my name/pronouns, but I am not willing to sit and debate the validity of trans identity. It's exhausting and frankly, the conversation goes nowhere fast with some folx.

[@NeutralGenius]

i've always been vocal about having borderline, for like the last 6/7 years. it means a lot to me every time a creator i enjoy reveals they're same hat it's so intensely interesting to me that those of us with bpd who are actively healing end up having this super deep understanding of nuance, the shades of life, and just how complex everything really is

[@Boahemaa]

When someone says they were robbed we do not try to ascertain if they owned their missing items in the first place before launching an investigation. When a person reports a sexual assault an investigation will not begin unless we believe crime took place in the first place. A sexual assault makes us uncomfortable in a way that other crimes do not. This request to believe victims of sexual violence comes from that. In all the cases of false accusations it was an investigation that revealed the truth. Had the "victims" not been believed, no such investigation would've been launched.

[@Alalea17]

I completely understand that! I don't know how it ultimately should be handled and there definelty isn't a right answer because there are so many different situations. you talk about investigations even happening and that is so important but does that say something how we should treat the accused person, no matter If or if not the truth will ever be "shaped" by and actual investigation? if I believe victims, and I will, I always ask myself what does that mean how I now stand to the one who hurt. (also I ask myself that for a lot of cases when someone claims to be treated unrightful by a person with probably more privileges.

[@Boahemaa]

@@Alalea17 I get that especially in a friend group. This leads me to our discomfort with crimes of a sexual nature. If a friend accused another friend of robbing them how do you relate to the accused? It should be no different in a sexual crime case. You would watch them closely and keep your valuables away from them until the case has been settled.

[@Alalea17]

@@Boahemaa I think I wouldn't act very differently in both cases. But is that because I would also be a more likely target than a cis man in most cases? But what about the cases that will never be settled because law stuff doesn't work perfectly? In both cases. Would I treat that friend accused of robbing with suspicion forever? Just asking myself those questions

[@quesproductions7170]

I feel bad for SA victims as it is a scent less crime. Especially when victims takes YEARS to come out and the only evidence is "I remember.". Honestly, the jail time rapists get is TOO low, it should be life if guilty. However, I understand judge's hesitancy, can't imagine sending someone to indirect death for a no evidence, no DNA, no footage, no witness, no date or time, case for a potential crime that happened a decade prior

[@Alalea17]

@@quesproductions7170 yes, I guess there it comes into play to believe them and do things to learn about that topic. For example, how Common it is, why it happens (spoiler, not because biology), what must happen to prevent it and how you can treat people without further traumatizing them and what needs to be done by politics to help and fund things that really helps before and after a SA happens.

[@Themudeater]

I only ever shame people for 1. Acting like they know everything 2. Taking no accountability for actions or deliberate harmfulness 3. Trying to police others or overreacting to harmless activities.

[@aliahc8595]

As someone who also has borderline personality disorder, I'm really glad you're speaking about it. I only know one other person irl that was diagnosed with it and surprisingly enough it's my partner. It's really hard to navigate the day to day. I will definitely look into DBT because I feel like I'm drowning all the time just trying to be a person. Thank you for always speaking your truth Khadija, I'm truly happy and appreciative that I came across your channel a year ago. Thank you, thank you, thank you ♥️ I hope you continue to thrive and are surrounded by love.

[@somnambuplant]

i dont know much about personality disorders or anything but i just read The Body Keeps The Score and it seemed to have a trauma-focused approach to how personality disorders begin and may be treated, not sure if that is useful to you, OP, or anyone else reading this but it was helpful to me so i thot id share

[@emm_like.thebird]

I hear ya about the "woowoo/hippie" self shame lol. It's difficult to not say this about my own words when i catch myself getting too deep with people who may not get where im coming from! VERY much needed conversation starter and so glad you shared your thoughts on this!

[@Vanessa-vz5cw]

Just wanted to say how amazing I think it is that you're using your platform to discuss and aid in de-stigmatizing BPD. I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the world and she has BPD. All the stigma and false information surrounding the diagnosis is so upsetting. My gf has been in DBT for years now, and is doing so so well! She has also shared some of the strategies she's learned from DBT with me and they've helped me get through some really bad panic attacks of my own. Also great video as always 😊

[@65Toronto65]

You are to amazing for words my angel! Love you

[@BryonyClaire]

I'm so glad you're a compassionate person on the internet because we need more of that for sure, patience and creating space for understanding isn't exactly rewarded in this time of outrage so I really appreciate this. And appreciate you being so vulnerable sharing your diagnosis with us too

[@emf4888]

YES! Another quiet BPD enby here. Allowing myself to acknowledge, accept, and experience my feelings without judging and punishing myself for them has been a GAME CHANGER! I can't control how I feel and that's okay. What I CAN control is how I respond to my feelings. Another great video Khadija!

[@ffordesoon]

This is the first video of yours I’ve actually sat down and watched all the way through as opposed to going “I should watch that!” and then not doing it (shout out to fellow ADHD peeps!), and gosh it’s excellent! I’m a moderator on a public Discord server for roleplaying game discussion, and my fellow mods and I have to deal with a lot of the behaviors you unpack in this video every day. Very few really extreme examples (we’re good mods and it’s a good community!), but… well, let’s say I’ve learned to tell who’s spent the day mainlining Twitter or Reddit really quickly, haha. They often start conversations from this really confrontational posture, and they do that thing you see a lot on left and queer Twitter where social justice language is used to universalize or obscure petty personal grievances, as well as that assumption you mention that everyone will be immediately familiar with, say, the intricacies of colonialism and how they intersect with white supremacy and patriarchy and so on. The server’s membership and mod team trends pretty far left and is heavy on queer folks (myself included on all counts), and our rules explicitly state our values. But, because it’s a public server and anyone can join, and because the point of the server is discussing tabletop roleplaying games rather than community organizing or whatever, we also try to emphasize the “space and grace” concept you mentioned (lovely way to put it!). We sometimes try to gently educate folks who haven’t thought about social justice concepts before but display a willingness to learn, but the Twitter warrior types I mentioned always end up being more of a hindrance than a help in those instances. (We do also get people who show their ass real quick, but they’re much easier to deal with, lol.) Anyway, I’m definitely gonna link this video in our mod chat, at the very least. Really, really cathartic to hear someone put some of our frustrations into well-chosen words! Thank you!

[@dwboutit943]

For me, it depends on how the questions are asked when it comes to educating people. I was raised conservative Christian and had to learn about queerness before realizing I am queer. If someone is asking me questions in a respectful way (even if the words come out clumsy, the tone communicates a lot) then I am happy to educate and answer questions. When someone is disrespectful, then no. Also, the interrogation gets exhausting. After a series of questions that extend for a long time, I tell people to go do research. At some point, I feel like I'm trying to justify my existence to this person, and I can't do that either.

[@devinrichards8250]

Eyyyyyy. Sweet empathy and understanding is flowing between me and you rn, internet stranger. As a cis white man who asks way too many questions, we are on opposite sides of this talking point. But I like the vibes of this comment. I feel you. Honestly most of the time when someone tells you to go do your own research it just feels really dismissive. If more people were willing to open and say "hey, for my own sake I don't think I can keep answering your questions. I hope you can find your answers somewhere else tho" it'd be so much easier to take. Like, I'm just trying to learn, and I already feel like I'm running to try and catch up to everyone. "Google is free" to me sounds like "fuck you loser, just run faster". Whereas a little more empathy can turn it into "sorry, I'm too tired to keep on pulling you"

[@itsdonuttime7729]

​@@devinrichards8250 The last half of the comment you(general 'you') are replying to exhibits exactly why you aren't always going to get empathy, why you aren't entitled to empathy or information from a marginalized person, and the pitfalls of putting the onus of empathy on the marginalized person. A marginalized person will always be the one who is sought out or inherently responsible for educating privileged people by default because they inherently have to justify their right to exist as they are in a world that doesn't accept them. By expecting them to educate you and other other privileged people with the nuances of that topic while also being cognizant of the wording to cater to privileged people's feelings, AND taking note of their personal mental condition you are putting more on them. Of course I don't personally know you, I don't know how the situation plays out when you yourself ask marginalized people lots of questions. Regardless, it doesn't hurt for you to be empathetic either. Trust me, you will find many answers your questions online. I largely see the same questions asked over and over again. Sometimes you just need to spend time online reading tweets under a single hashtag or regularly follow people with marginalized identities and watch their videos. The empathy goes both ways and you can find what you need. Another thing, you should look up the logical fallacy 'JAQing off' and how it is perceived just for informational purposes.

[@grandsome1]

"Permission to feel", one of these books I feel I need to re-read annually with "Non-violent communication" because I have a tendency to factory reset to capitalist cog mode.

[@zuhar2526]

Lord I love that "factory mode reset" analogy to slipping again to the toxic mainstream thinking!

[@mewmew6158]

@@zuhar2526 Same!💛

[@lisdexamphetamine]

Is the book on NVC actually any good? I didn’t even realise it was a book I’ve only heard of it used irl. I can see NVC working well with people who all want to understand/love each other but all I’ve experienced with it is that it’s a very good way for an abuser/manipulator to keep people in line, and can be quite ineffective and frustrating for neurodivergent people trying to express themselves. Ahh I thought too much now I’ve gotta just get over my biases and read the damn thing

[@grandsome1]

@@lisdexamphetamine NVC certainly needs a grain of salt, I think it's most beneficial for understanding when you're trying dominate people with your opinions and desires and reining in those tendencies.

[@risika]

Thank you for being open with your diagnosis I am also recently diagnosed with ocd. Trying to not fall into shame. I was listening to a podcast that said, “it’s important to live life by design rather than emotion. Basically, sticking to a routine is what allows us to be the healthiest version of ourselves (especially when you're fighting these demons ex. OCD for me). In my journey - I’ve had to overhaul how I approach work/habits by practising mediocre consistency. Now I try to put in consistent 50-60% effort into my habits (ex. journaling/working out) - to make sure I do it I began recording it and posting it on my youtube channel. Because historically I have a habit of going too hard, not being able to sustain the Herculean effort, giving up and shaming myself. So now I’m trying to give a small, consistent mediocre effort everyday. And its crazy how it adds up,.

[@morganburt2565]

kadijah, when/if u feel up to it, i’d love to have u shed some light on what it’s like having BPD. I have it too, and it’s incredibly difficult to deal with and explain to other ppl. you’re so well spoken and affable, i think you could be a great person to speak on this. sending so much love, too. dbt helped me a lot as well, and you’re right that it’s super hard to implement, but i’m sending u back strength u give me. also, bpd and the internet are a Miserable mixture. that comment abt internet discourse (and offline, too, honestly) being extremely hostile to emotionality hit hard. it’s so hard for me to stay regulated on some topics, and that’s led to me (very very recently) making the choice to not engage on certain topics. lemme tell u rn, transitioning with bpd is ducking miserable and i’m so glad i have a.) a couple rounds of dbt under my belt, b.) a good therapist, and c.) people like you to help gather my thoughts and inspire me to keep up my betterment journey. been a rocky road, but your vids genuinely keep me grounded. thank you!!!

[@PokhrajRoy.]

I’m so excited to hear your thoughts on this because I’m tired of Privileged CIS-Het Men telling me not to be over sensitive and overreact.

[@gotskillson]

i loooove being that cis-het man but usually take Mbowe's words into this video into play. I tell black folks not to get mad over some things... cause there is a conversation that needs to happen and not just shaming people for being ignorant. Folks usually hate it at first but eventually understand I am not saying ignore your feelings but to be more constructive with them. "your feelings are valid and realistic" usually helps me get through

[@myaco6430]

@@gotskillson I feel like there was a lot of contradiction in this lol. Telling ppl to be more constructive with their anger is not the same as telling them to not be mad. Holding people accountable is not the same as shaming them.

[@greynotchristian]

@@gotskillson what the actual fuck

[@melaninkind8783]

@@greynotchristian that’s what I was also thinking, when I read this comment🥴

[@greynotchristian]

@@melaninkind8783 right 😶

[@meghananaag7282]

Really glad you included the part about Dalit men and the whole caste aspect in India. Haven't seen many youtubers bring it up before.

[@philin6468]

Contrapoints has a great video called cancelling and there are a lot of ideas intersecting with the ones presented here. Definitely recommend to watch! Also thank you Khadija, as always, for putting out your thoughts with such care and deliberation 💜

[@tlg-]

One of Contrapoints' best pieces in my universe. So so scrumptiously good.

[@hameley12]

philin Yes! Natalie is another great KZbin speaker on difficult topics and did watch most of her videos. Def recommend her channel too!

[@merc5333]

It's always difficult to come to terms with having something like BPD. I have ADHD with anxiety and depression, it's hard a lot of the time when even the people who you're close to and they truly do love you, just that they cannot fully or deeply connect with how it is you feel and act. I wish especially between women it was better to find connections with one another AND namely between women with disabilities. I can't recall if you did a video specifically on why it's hard to make and maintain friendships between women and why both women and men get shamed for having friendships solely with one gender and how that means they're considered a "pick me" or they're more likely to be unfaithful. I think both of those would be amazing topics to discuss one day if you have the time and maybe they're both entwined somehow. Thank you for the amazing and incredible video Khadija and crew. Every time I listen to a video I always wish I could find a friend like you to create a deep connection with. It really hurts how making friends with my fellow women is so unattainable. Pardon some of the emotional letting. I hope everyone is safe and stay hydrated and eat well. Big hugs y'all

[@JDStar1295]

It's easy to forget that other people don't have the same thoughts, experiences and perspectives as us, so it can be hard they they arent going to understand what you do. If there's one skill I think needs to be encourage and developped more, it differentiation. FYI I'm not expert and the theory of differntiation was developped more in the context of romantic relationships but, I think it can apply to how we interact with people on the internet as well. Differentiation is essentially being able to recognize your own thoughts and emotions and seperate the two as well as seperate it from the another person's thoughts and emotions and vise versa - If you don't have a good seperation, or a good differntiation, you lose yourself to the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, emotions of both others and yourself. So, for example if you had good differentiation, when you see someone with an opinion that you disagree with or that triggers an emotional reaction in you, you are able to recognize the emotional reaction and a person's words as seperate which will help you assess the person's words/actions objectivly without having to dishoner your own feelings because you havent interwined the two. BTW thank for making this video - you articulated alot of things I've been thinking about lately with how I've seen ppl

[@clockwork4255]

You tube needs a favorite comments system like tiktok has so I can put this in my pocket and keep it

[@magentafox1657]

​@clockwork4255 true this comment is so good

[@jsim26787]

Thank you for sharing your diagnosis. It’s so important for us to have good examples in the public eye. It means so much to see someone with somewhat similar struggles to be in the place you are. I’m pursuing education and you are genuinely the only example in my life that has bpd and got through school!! It makes it feel quite impossible, like who am I to think someone like me could do something like that, but people sharing their struggles like you just mean the absolute world to me and give me hope/inspiration. Thank you for that ❤️

[@DieezahArts]

I'm kind of shocked to learn about your diagnosis. It's very courageous of you to share this with the community. I understand that it can be scary but at least it seems you are lucky enough to have access to actual help (not to mention access to the love of the people lol). The person who inspired me to write my short book a couple of years back was not that lucky. I'm not gonna lie, writing about the experience of having them crash into my life helped me understand how little, people who walk in certain types of bodies and who are affected by mental health issues, get to see said issues discussed in society. When they are, it's rarely ever with compassion. I truly hope you find the support you need when things get hard to manage. You're a beacon of light for many. Don't let people shame you for who yoj are! ❤️ from Martinique...

[@eatrawskin]

Watching ur videos is like having a friend in a room. Like we sharing some wine and chatting shit.💖 I got my bpd diagnosis 8 years ago and I'm very untreated because in the UK, BPD is often used as a blanket term for unruly young adults (mainly fem presenting) so the help is just Prozac and phone counselling. It helps for some but I assure you BPD is super complicated. I'm only grateful for the emotional maturity it forced on me because I've had to learn millions of intense emotions and how to control them in countless situations. I hope you get the assistance you deserve, Khadija. 💖

[@saraa4425]

You're amazing! I'm in my thirties and I feel like I'm getting meaner and untrue to myself as the days pass by and I don't like it. Love the positive energy and the endpoint of practicing love and kindness even if our traumas and past struggles put up walls and try not to. I'm trying my best, that's all and that's better than staying where I'm at right now 😊 we can do this 💪👍

[@KhadijaMbowe]

💕💕 yessss be kind and honest with yourself, seems like you’re already doing that actually

[@zo_mi_di]

I cannot say how much I appreciate your constant inclusion of nuance and care and a growth mindset!!!!! So many activist spaces have become absolutely soul sucking because of these exact things and the emphasis on harmful binaries and lack of general empathy and compassion. Parasocial relationship aside, I really appreciate your content and perspective. Also DBT is an absolute banger 😍😍😍 I worked through the book with my therapist last year and WOW has it helped me in so many ways

[@margothutton]

Something I learned in therapy: guilt is what you feel *after* you consider why you feel ashamed and conclude that you were in fact at fault. Meaning, the feeling of shame does not include acceptance. I wish more people were taught this, and I'm so grateful you are here to say it.

[@Amanda-ky7mo]

shame literally fuels my social anxiety as someone on the neurodivergent spectrum who is relatively high functioning. Especially being a college student, there are a lot of social rules I simply do not understand bc I never went to a party or was around drugs or alcohol until college and I am always afraid of being publicly shamed and embarrassed instead of taught the correct way. Like I largely do not care about what people think of me unless it is in a moral sense. I do not think most actually want to be a bad person or accused of causing harm. I would be more willing to try new things if I knew I wouldn't be shamed for messing up the vibe or whatever(mainly in the grey area situations not the glaring someone's gonna get hurt scenarios but the complicated ones like the when its not okay to be honest situations or when to end a convo or when ppl are pretending to care). Cause I feel like when I remind people I'm on the spectrum I'm shamed even more bc now I'm using my disability as an excuse, which I'm not. I'm just asking you to tell me what I did wrong and why you didn't like it and give me another opportunity. I don't mind being held accountable but it's frustrating having people drop you w/o saying what you did wrong or giving you the chance to be better.

[@armykayla9971]

"What would it look like for us to stop thinking everybody's competition, and we actually come together?" I love this so much. I have been binge-watching your videos, and I think you're amazing. Thank you so much for wanting to educate us when you definitely don't have to, AND you make it so entertaining and thought-provoking. Your content challenges why I believe what I do and how much better I could be fighting for those causes. "Meaningful online conversation that can lead to actual offline action."🙌

[@Mokoniki]

This video could not come at a better time for me and I relate to this so topic so heavily. I've been dealing with seeing this reactionary behavior in my own spaces and it's so easy to get caught up in that behavior. I was saying and doing some of the things you've mentioned in the video and I've been trying very hard to unlearn that behavior because I believe it to not be helpful and to even be hurtful. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me either. Being nice and seeing someone feel good about that is the way I want to live. It doesn't hurt to just be kind to others! There are definitely people out here who want to learn and be educated and people who make mistakes without malice who immediately get dragged by their eyelashes for it. Learning to not take my own mistakes personally, giving people space and grace to make mistakes and not be lambasted for them, and channeling shame and anger into actual action and constructive conversations is so important to, imo, making the world a better place than just leaving a nasty comment to feel good in the moment and moving on without actually doing anything productive or making a positive impact on that person. Another fantastic video from you Khadija and I will look into your book recs in this video.

[@Liam-du1fn]

I’m going to start commenting this as a link to some commenters in your other videos honestly 👀😬

[@TheVideoChatter]

I commend you for being so open about your struggles and bringing awareness to what many people deal with ❤ I hope you are doing well these days. Khadija, your content is everything.

[@ctheo2020]

Forgiveness is also a practice that will help us heal as individuals and as a collective (and more easily move forward with the new consciousness!). Thank you for your bomb content, Khadija ♥️

[@mothluvsu]

literally from the moment i clicked on this video i was struck by your way of thinking and speaking. the ideas you presented and the morals you held in this video were things i haven’t heard outside of my own (slightly more negative) head. things that didn’t seem to register with people, like why we should have a sense of community and how to be respectful of another person without losing your individual boundaries. i kid you not, when i got to the end and i realized what you had told us, my head hit the side of the sofa and now it hurts very bad. i had a feeling the whole time, like when you referred to how we describe emotions. i’m so ridiculously happy to see someone who has humbly accepted this different way of being and decided to seek healthy change. you are probably the only example of someone i’ve watched or interacted with that gives me hope for the future instead of anxiety two sentences into their reddit post. be shindigging

[@JohnDRuddyMannyMan]

Fair play to you for opening up like that. Knowing oneself really helps to know what’s going on in there.

[@allyson87]

I’m a DBT therapist and have often thought we should be using it in political and leftist spaces, at least the underlying theory/attitude. I’ve noticed these themes in your work, and wondered if it was just a coincidence or if you might be around DBT in some way. I’ve thought about what DBT informed politics could look like but haven’t been able to bring myself to publish my thoughts on the subject. Thank you for everything you do Khadijah!🥰

[@connorhealy3562]

Something I recently thought of when experiencing a bout of guilt/shame recently that I think works really well with the message of the video: You don’t move past shame to absolve yourself of wrongdoing. You move past shame because it’s counterproductive to being a better person. Anyways, love the vid!💖

[@notttjooo]

Thank you for sharing your experience with Bpd and the shame surrounding it. We can only break down the stigma around it with more discussion, your openness is much appreciated.

[@eirikseim3948]

So glad in someone finally showing the variables and talking about how and why the people committing proper shocks in the Milgram experiments! Love your videos

[@ambergerhamburger]

Omg! When you say “being 30 is great! It’s like a light switch went off” soooooooo true! I tell the teenage girls I work with that have SI- and I say please hold on until you are 30 at least - bc everything is so different and so better for women at that age

[@BrattBratt86]

I was today years old when I found your channel through FD Signifier and I just want to express how grateful I am to have discovered your platform!!! You are so incredibly articulate, relatable and you put your thoughts and ideas together so comprehensibly. I love the topics and themes yo I've choose to cover and I think the youtube and the world could use a million more just like you!!! I'm currently binging like EVERYTHING on your channel and can't wait for something new🙏❤.

[@nmejiag5030]

Another amazing video as always!! And you are so brave for sharing something so personal, it really helps to normalize personality disorders (although nobody should ever be pressured to disclose their diagnosis if they are not comfortable)

[@leolong2984]

This video resonates with me in multiple ways. I am someone who has grown up with a parent that engages in tacitly manipulative/abusive behavior, and understanding that has been difficult. What I have learned is that what makes them abusive is not necessarily those behaviors, but their unwillingness to take me seriously when I tell them they have hurt me. A person is only far gone imo when you confront them with the pain the cause you and their response is self-interested and defensive. A person who cares about you, even if they are unknowingly hurtful, will not act like that and will instead endeavor to understand how and w h y they hurt you, and how they can change. Not just change in terms of how to better manage you, but change in the "genuinely understand you, your personhood, and your feelings". That's how I determine the difference between those who are worth my time and those who aren't. It's like a test: How do they respond when you confront them, and do they try to change? If they fail both, they probably aren't worth it and would benefit from therapy before having intimate partnerships and relationships.

[@juls_krsslr7908]

I joined Twitter this year, too. I was surprised to see you there a few weeks ago! I don't really like apologies. I've had so many people apologize to me when they didn't really mean it. They just wanted me to shut up about problems so they didn't have to change their behavior. Now, all I really care about is whether the person understands what they did and if they're making a sincere effort not to hurt people in the future. And when I do something wrong, I don't like apologizing because I don't want people to feel pressure to forgive me. If they do, great, but I often feel like people say "it's ok" when it's really not. I think it's important to be able to tolerate people not forgiving you and thinking you're a bad person. So much of the nastiness I see online seems to happen because people can't tolerate being seen as "bad" or "unforgivable," so they have to prove they're "good" and the other person is "bad." But no one is so good that they're incapable of hurting other people or doing something that another person can't forgive.

[@sarahulloa15]

I really enjoyed listening to this video. It gave me a little hope for people growing and learning. Of course not all people seek to grow or learn or even have empathy. Good luck with your tough diagnosis, knowledge about yourself helps a lot. Thanks again for the video

[@selahh4089]

I feel like I've been wanting to have this conversation for years but the way people look at "woowoo" topics always made me hold back. it also doesn't help that bc woo stuff tends to center white women on the poster for everything it turns a lot of poc off. (not to mention it's seen as feminine which you already mentioned the world hates) BUT a lot of the teachings make so much sense especially when we're trying to understand each other. Honestly I just think the pendulum just swung too far in the shaming direction bc we spent years not holding anyone accountable that now we're working our way to a nice center. I think we'll get there.

[@Tre325]

Oof @19:56 that example was EXACTLY what caused misery in my previous relationship.. Walking on eggshells because I was supposed to just know when to be attentive or when to pull back just instinctively. That was true anxiety and shame and I will never subject myself to that again.

[@enbykenz]

people with BPD who are committed to healing are some of the best people 💖💖💖

[@karim.7506]

khadija, i was on a shame/guilt understanding kick, and now that im getting to the end of your video, i see you have bpd just like me. thank you so much for speaking up. i’m struggling with it plus what’s going on with the collective, so i see you ❤ i’m working on my own video essays for the first time, and binge watching your videos have given me so much life! i wish we could speak in person. i wish you so much love & success in your life & know that you have inspired me on my journey ☀️

[@cjam9457]

I find myself often screaming along with your videos. You bring so much joy to my life. Thank you.

[@SpeakinFrankly]

I'm right there with you Khadija - part of the "love and light" section of the coalition!

[@wompwomp9946]

so i'm not very articulate, have all these feelings inside and have been sorting them out for the longest time now. i can't share or put them into words really. but watching your videos is life-changing. it helps put things into perspective for me and gives me words (tools) to use to help me better navigate this existence. a couple years ago i moved to another country and have spent so much time alone because language barrier and also being an anxious wreck. but the time alone has led me to finding channels like this one, FD, Tea Noir, Shanspeare etc. it feels like we're all somehow on a journey together. i went from being eDgY we're born alone we die alone! people suck...and all that. to trying to see the good in people even when i'm hurting and it would be so much easier to just run away. it feels...like i'm simultaneously stronger and more vulnerable. anyways i'm grateful for your body of work and for letting people see your journey.

[@laela6289]

Applaud you for processing your diagnosis in a healthy and graceful way. It takes a lot of strength to face and take the necessary steps to heal and manage borderline. Best of luck on your DBT journey!

[@ItsTchadTV]

I’m so glad you made this video! I tend to not share any controversial opinions on the internet because of the culture of discourse and everything you brilliantly laid out. I find it dehumanizing when people latch onto only points they agree with and in a way “recruit” me as part of their “team” instead of respecting the nuance of opinion. In my opinion, it only leads to more divisiveness and not a loving and caring community where honesty is valued. I feel like on the internet there’s this double unconsciousness where we can understand history and generational trauma and indoctrination of harmful beliefs but when people act in ways that demonstrate that all of a sudden they’re treated like some sort of demon. Or if someone holds a belief that doesn’t sound exactly like a regurgitation of what someone with a specific political leaning agrees with then it’s invalidated and disregarded as nonsense. The internet begs for original thought then shames anyone who doesn’t do it “right”. We have to understand that people are complex and give them the room to express that complexity, make mistakes and change without threatening them with excommunication from society.

[@ahuman5772]

Honestly, as a trans person, I feel like I can't share my thoughts on any trans related things online because people have specific opinions they think are ok, and no nuance is allowed. I know lots of other trans people who feel the same way - even getting banned for very minor reasons that, for context, aren't transphobic or hateful in any way. It seems unproductive.

[@croatoan6000]

My spouse has BPD. Thank you for speaking out about your own experiences, it's such a misunderstood condition. They struggled with a lot of shame as well and a lot of discrimination which was hard to see. They have just finished a course of DBT and it was massively helpful. Sending lots of love from the UK!

[@lost.in.scaradise]

Khadija Mbowe gives me hope for the now. Beautifully aware. Beautifully expressed. 🙌 Thank you

[@hannahgrier4472]

You’re truly a breath of fresh air on this platform💛

[@FeatherVoid]

people being reactionary assholes is why it is difficult to want to learn nowadays. I had a longer comment but it felt very "woe is me, why arent people nice" so I wised up and deleted it. your video hit all the points I've struggled with over the years. as someone who left Tumblr, it feels like "nuance" has become another way of saying "meet me in the middle as I take a step back", and wanting to be taught with a bit of compassion equals entitlement and demand.

[@thomascrouchpiano]

so I am high functioning autistic and I often blurt things out as I see them, and constantly feel that I have to explain myself in a way that is way too intense for my tastes, especially when where I live is an echo chamber city where people don't really go out and make the change that they supposedly care about so much. Social Justice Warriors to the extreme. I love this video

[@dontperceiveme3025]

Hey you. I genuinely believe your videos (and podcast) are molding me into a better more compassionate and loving person and I just wanted to say thank you. You are a wonderful person ^^

[@netty5170]

I really am in the exact same boat. I really needed this video. I used to be very mean due to being insecure. I always felt like I had to act tough and hard as a black woman. Thank you so much.

[@kaylenamalia6629]

"BEING 30 IS GREAT" I second that sis

[@camadams9149]

37:45 Fascinating. It's always amazing to see someone putting in the work. BPD is VERY treatable but the patient has to put in the work & it's a lot of work (there is assigned homework). Also from what I've heard, BPD is extremely unpleasant for the person affected (turns all relationships into a mad max hell world, including your relationship to yourself) It's great to hear you are doing something difficult that will INFINITELY improve your quality of life

[@mewmew6158]

Damn it, Khadija! You just always have to bring out the soft in me when I'm all angry and fee fi fo fum. Now I'm calm and deep in thought. Thanks for sharing your experience with getting diagnosed with BPD, I've got so much trouble with emotion regulation (fresh Autism diagnosis here, still learning to work with instead of against it). So grateful for you and your content!

[@Calusa702]

As someone with bpd I really appreciated the end of this video. You are such an inspiration to me and an amazing person all around!

[@dannikris3696]

The more I slowed down, payed more attention to my words, kept it like Bruce Lee and moved like water, I saw the people around me being 1000% times more chaotic than ever. Especially working in an office setting, everyone is so irritated by customers, forgetting that there is no purpose in absorbing all that negative energy all day. I definitely can’t do that, my anxiety is so extreme that I can’t get by without my medication. That’s truly from avoiding it for so long, thinking I didn’t need it and that I was above it (crazy right?). And, overtime, I learned it was because I never felt anyone could love me; I didn’t want to be the girlfriend who had to wake up every morning to take my meds and every night before bed. I was embarrassed by my own trauma, meanwhile so many others were taking theirs out on me and those around them. I just woke up one day and realized that anger, anxiety, irritability and the need to be right was taking over my life. You really do have to actively change yourself to see a clear picture. I also noticed people are less receptive to me because I don’t talk shit about everyone. Very interesting to observe 😂

[@hanniflowers]

"if our values match up, there's space" is such a good reminder

[@theklr]

Congrats on discovering more about yourself and your willingness to share. I think shame is healthy, but it’s been commodified(as all our feelings) as something we should avoid at all costs. However it’s a valid trigger that allows us to question both our thoughts and if we’re “committed” to them. Unfortunately the internet exacerbated this odd conundrum of must be right in perpetuity. Add being a software developer (and building some of these tools) I had to cut off the massive social networks. It feed my ego too much and felt that my intent was being misconstrued in trying to shame, when I was just trying to debate. I’m also a natural sharer and I get also the “google is free” camp, but I don’t think we’re really ready for how dangerous that is with google developing not the best answers, but the best answers they think fit your consumption behavior. Everyone needs space and grace, and no one has to be committed to a role forever. There’s a season for everything.

[@xepru]

i heard you say "opposite to emotion action" and was like 👀is that dbt i hear? i've been with my dbt therapist for nearly 9 years and it's one of the things i'm most passionate about. i really appreciate you talking so openly about it, especially admitting that you felt shame about the diagnosis. when i got my diagnosis, my mom cried and said it was a "mental health death sentence" 😬 which, to be clear, is so far from the truth!!! through dbt, i've found a lot of peace in my life and i no longer meet the criteria for the dx. i've been considering making youtube videos focused on destigmatizing bpd and sharing dbt as much as i can, and hearing you talk about how hard it was to find support is giving me the kick in the ass i needed. thank you for your vulnerability ♥

[@lastdays9163]

This video is sooooooooooo good on so many levels. I grew from watching this. I came to terms with some ideas I carry because of this. Thank you.

[@PrettyGuardian]

Thanks for making this video. I'm going to reaffirm my goals to actually learn and grow as a human being on this planet and choose understanding > being right.

[@danielaortizcolmenares]

I don't normally comment anything online, but I gotta do it for this video. Excellent! I think you touch a lot of points of what is happening now in society (the whole shaming and loathing) and the tools to fix it. We definitely need to be more open about other people experiences and backgrounds to be more sensitive of what is like to have a healthy human experience.

[@zengardengnome]

I really appreciate your willingness to use your own past actions/patterns/feelings to demonstrate the possibility of change. Paralyzing shame of past behaviors/blindness can be really self-defeating and result in self-fulfilling prophecies, especially for folks living with depression and/or personality disorders. In some it can also lead to over (or under) reactions to similar behaviors in others. But change is not only possible, it's almost guaranteed to at least some degree if it's actively sought. As you said, it may well come down to whether or not the person wants to change. How tightly bonded are we to an identity? What's more, how much has our survival leaned on that identity? Hmm. Also, thank you for sharing your experiences with and therapy around BPD. Seriously. Wishing you many blessings.

[@sharma6186]

Emotion scientist, not an emotion judge. This is the best “how to empathy” description I’ve ever heard. Sending love and hope. Take care, stranger.

[@dereksweetwater]

Me during tha whole video: “damn, they just like me fr” also streets need a hyper-individualism episode!!! thank you for all your work 🖤

[@RadRoux]

I was diagnosed with Q-BPD 3 years ago. I also felt a lot of shame about it, but now I've been able to use it as a tool to see how I would normally react to things and make changes. It's helped me be a lot more open with my therapist and partner about what goes on inside my head. I'm glad you were open about it. We need more openness to breakdown the stigma. I hope your continued therapeutic journey is helpful. 🖤