The Inescapable Treadmill of Desirability

...as told by Netflix's Perfect Match...and anecdotal nonsense 🌚
✨ [e-mail]
📚
The random powerpoint I found online
www.unl.edu/rh...
How to Escape the Hedonic Treadmill and Be Happier
positivepsycho...
Dating Statistics And Facts In 2024
www.forbes.com...

[@olioIioop]

"IS THE CUCK CHAIR FOR MEEE???" 💀💀💀

[@3squirrelsinacoat]

I saw the comment first and was intensely waiting for it in the vid 😂 I was not disappointed

[@ferretappreciator]

I let out the ugliest cackle because.... It doesn't sound like she's wrong from how she described it 😫😫. No shame tho, no shame

[@quirkyqwertyto1055]

Dude, that was hilarious

[@nerds-nonsense]

@@3squirrelsinacoat im literally only 13 seconds in sittin here like "excuse me??" lmaoo

[@izzybiff]

​@@ferretappreciator Khadija uses they/them pronouns

[@sortingoutmyclothes8131]

I'm a very anxious person, the idea of constantly being on the chase seems like hell. I want someone that brings me peace, not excitement.

[@rebeccaroig7922]

SAME

[@gabbym333]

I'm a very anxious person too but the thing is that instability is the norm for me because that's what I grew up with. So that's what I seek in relationships. It's funny how the mind works sometimes. Also, peace and excitement can sometimes exist together, but I think it involves a certain level of trust and commitment with your partner.

[@JuliAuditore]

If you're a man that's what you'll have to deal with if you want a relationship

[@orangeyellow-me1pz]

It seems that we are in the minority.

[@evevi4686]

YESSSSS

[@nannywhumpers5702]

I find people get more attractive the more I know them, if they don't suck.

[@johanandersson8252]

True

[@ambds1975]

Same. I can't really be attracted to randos. Even if I can say 'yes, that person is obviously objectively very good-looking.'

[@nannywhumpers5702]

@@ambds1975 Exactly!

[@FearlessSon]

Likewise. I don't even know if I'm attracted to someone until I get to know them a little.

[@DoveJS]

Sounds like Demiromanticism, potentially.

[@EvilShadex101]

Personally I become even more attracted to someone the more I get to know them. Why I love going on dates and spending time with people. I’ve never understood the “I’m bored cause I know too much” mentality or seeking unnecessary thrill and drama in a relationship

[@pinksapple]

Same, people get more interesting and nice to be around the longer I know them

[@FoxGameCZ]

same here, also I am not fan of partners making their so jealous

[@judysm95]

@@Claraleavesthetreesthis is a good distinction. I’m actually non-monog but I haven’t dated anyone since being with my partner of 2 years. It has felt like less than a year and I think it’s because we both have a lot going on and are incredibly introspective and healing from trauma, there’s a lot we already know but so much more to us than just who we are today. If we’re doing our best to grow we’re constantly becoming. That said, I think New Relationship Energy is magical and I understand seeking it out, it just doesn’t sustain me personally. I think people get past that point and just realize they don’t really like that person, and that’s okay too.

[@Deceitful_Jester]

Yes! I fucking HATE the 'new' stage of most relationships, it's so awkward, the more of a rapport I develop with someone, the less I have to struggle for interesting or pleasant conversations to happen naturally, and the less exhausting it is. At least, provided I click with the person. Someone who I'm not going to get along with after I know more about them obviously loses their luster, but that's just because it takes a bit to find out if things aren't going to work out. Maybe it's just because I'm autistic so I mask when I first meet people, am disinterested in most small talk, and enjoy routine, but still!

[@luxweaver2706]

Every time you talk about a positive relationship and the give and take, the cat shows up.

[@Aeunax123]

She can sense the energy 🤍✨

[@contralines8987]

Kitty approved ✨

[@1mochadelightable]

😂😂😂😂

[@clairedohhe1789]

Is this a metaphor?🤔

[@kaleb9375]

At this point in my life (mid-late 20s), I'm definitely in the latter camp of "I am BAFFLED by the people who need a 'threat'/jealousy in order to be satisfied in a relationship". Why invite that kind of turmoil into your life lol? Life's already hectic enough. Why invite more chaos? (That's just me though, ofc. I understand people have their own set of preferences) I can't wrap my head around that personally. I'm especially puzzled by the notion of knowing everything about your partner somehow making things less exciting for some people. The word mundane is never how I'd describe it. To me it feels invigorating to know the person I'm w/ feels safe enough/trusts me enough to display their inner most self(selves) to me. Having that security of understanding only makes me want them more. For me, that sort of closeness is more gladdening than mundane. Maybe it's because I'm demisexual! I really need to *know* a person develop feelings for them.

[@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18]

As a girlie with anxiety issues this is so real, why would you want any of that stress??? Wait, I am demisexual too! LMAO It probably is that. I am fine knowing everything and not having anything new to learn because it is the person that matters to me primarily not the knowing of them over time.

[@saumyam8492]

u described me perfectly

[@EJ_2091]

I fully agree with you lmao. I need a lot of repetition and security in my life. It takes me so long to warm up to people and I get so stressed at the idea of the 'push and pull' stuff. But I also think it's good to remember that people just have different personalities and tolerances for chaos and uncertainty. And the world needs that variation because it helps us more forward as a species, but it also doesn't mean we have to go along with it personally if we don't want to. Also I'm aroace so maybe that's why we agree lmao.

[@LilyShimizu]

As an autistic ace I feel similarly, I don’t care to have “thrill” in my relationship and I’ll never understand that whole mess of trying to make a relationship more exciting by trying to incite jealousy or whatever. It sounds too stressful. I really only want the comfort and security of having someone I love and trust with my whole self to always be there, and that keeps me satisfied. All that being said I’ve never traditionally been a “thriller seeker” in my life in general, my version of thrill seeking is spending time in nature to hopefully see glimpses of wildlife I don’t normally see or plants I can identify and learn something about. Outwardly I’m sure that looks and sounds incredibly boring to most people but I’m happy as a clam.

[@spicy1116]

My partner left me because she was bored. She looked through my phone once while I was changing my tampon because she thought I was cheating and found nothing and she treated me like crap after... I think she wanted me to cheat so she could yell at me? She was also in the midst of transitioning and would go out to bars in lingerie and flirt with other women all the time :P

[@Chuuzus]

when i tell you as a queer thick black boy, i suffer on these dating apps 😭like the bar set for black boys is so high!

[@abdiqanihashi484]

Ikr 😢

[@KhadijaMbowe]

😢 my Chuuzu 🫶🏿

[@ADubbs-fd8xf]

Hang in there, family 🙌🏾

[@Chuuzus]

@@KhadijaMbowe 🥹🫂🫂

[@hikariluanGC]

I know it is hard, but hang in there. There are people out there who are attracted to thick boys for reals! It surely isn't the standard crowd, and some of them might fetishize you hard, but it's not 0% of the population so there is hope.

[@belchuri]

Being someone who does love the monogamist mundane and loves long term/till death do us part-esque relationships, it's hell finding someone who you can trust with all that...even when you bring a lot to the table and keep yourself on your toes by improving/investing in your personal interests. Personal growth and change seem to be (from my personal experience) the main things that keep things interesting along with having your own lives and routines, but it's a new level of fucked when all parties involved aren't on the same page with that 😀

[@cheepytiger]

The way I could have written this 😭

[@k.flowerrss3234]

In theory I think I’d like the monogamist mundane, however I think it would depend on my potential partners interpretation of that. Would our own ideas of the “mundane” work together or clash? Also I feel so heavily on when you said that you bring a lot to the table but other people aren’t on the same level, I currently have a lot going on for myself that I would say has put me on a much different path compared to those around me. I will also briefly mention that where I’m at now is due to some privileges that have been given so I won’t say I did things entirely by myself but I’m for sure the one still adding wood to this growing fire of mine. However with the current people I’m around none of them are in a similar boat as I am, some have even tried to take advantage of my kindness (especially with my tattoo career, I have given a couple tattoos away because I liked the person 😅) With my experiences so far during this period in my life, it has made me a bit jaded towards the idea of dating rn.

[@stefaniagaitan9836]

I hate dating, I hate hookups, I’d rather just focus on having solid friendships and just getting to have fun there. I dislike the culture of how dating is now self centered instead of community based.

[@solsweed2637]

Khadija is gorgeous. Their skin is beautiful and this hair color really suits them.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Tysm 🥹🙂‍↔️💕

[@pizzaface898]

@@KhadijaMbowe I had no idea you are in your thirties!! Hope I'm as beautiful as you in my thirties hehe🫶

[@Kibitserr]

im a relationship anarchist. i generally stay away from desirability because of how tied up in oppression it is. our desire is political, and i am a person of multiple marginalisations, which means people dont usually desire me. being someone who is undesired has made me realise that the reason people dont want to be physically affectionate with me, dont want to emotionally support me, and dont want to be there for me is because they dont find me hot enough to fuck (this is a generalisation. it is meant to make a point and not to be taken as the universal experience). in my experience, desirability often (but not always!) systemically excludes people from care and support. and while i believe that one day desirability can co-exist with care ethics, i don't think we are currently at that point. right now, i believe most people's desirability is antithetical to care ethics and i refuse to participate in it (for now) currently, i choose to treat every person i meet and every relationship of mine as something that is unique and special. each person gets a part of me, and the excitement of the relationship comes from growing alongside each other and seeing the changes that come into our lives

[@chiefjenny]

Thank you for speaking to my soul

[@incrediblectopus]

I love this. I was thinking during this video that the idea of desirability is inherently exclusionary to a lot of people.

[@MiniM69]

Felt this in my soul. Thank you for verbalizing this!

[@kavipriyae6451]

Love this so so much!

[@alisonmercer5946]

Wow that is really interesting

[@marciamarciamarcia3117]

I’ve been married for 15 years (yes I am an old). But I’ve always been a person who values monogamy and stability. Especially when you have children with a person, stability is important. I’m not saying it’s always easy. We have specifically sought out hobbies to do together to spend time together outside of the children. It’s harder to do when the kids are little little, but important once they start getting older. I’ve also had a lot of health issues and can’t imagine how I would function without my husband. He truly loves me in sickness and in health. I’m so lucky to have him considering the high number of men who bolt when their wives get serious illnesses.

[@bobacore]

im so happy for you, i wish to have the same happen for me ❤i also pray for you to heal and navigate life easier however that may be

[@Dojafish]

HOPE YALL ARE TOGETHER FOR ANOTHER 15 YEARS AND MORE!

[@SadNYGuy]

I feel like dating is harder now because people feel like it's more important to be in a relationship instead of taking time to meet sometime before deciding to be with them. I feel like dating apps make that worse

[@cwalker6911]

The newscasters reactions lol

[@FlamingArrow131]

The long distance lesbian relationship is a canon experience I fear 😅

[@Me-vn3gz]

i’ve had several 😭

[@froggydraws_24]

been there 😭

[@efadfa3]

I felt so called out that I actually flipped off the screen. Brutal.

[@littlesunshine4591]

Ouch 😹💔

[@grandmasterofdemoniccock]

Waiting for my cannon event. Wish me luck, lesbians

[@nomejodasplz]

The running club comment was SO REAL 😆 Everyone tells me it’s a good way to meet people but I hate cardio 🙃

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Very that

[@439801RS]

Won't be distracted by looks, cause everyone gonna look nasty 😂

[@honeybun3492]

I never knew this was a thing? Closest I’ve heard was someone saying how gross it is for men to hit on women at the gym cause they’re there for fitness goals not partner scouting

[@gregvs.theworld451]

@@honeybun3492 I could kind of see it both ways. I've heard of walking/running clubs in my area too. On one hand, some people could be there to run, not date, but imo it wouldn't be too surprising if there were some people there who know running isn't most of our favorite things, but want something to do that could help them meet people and make friends. I always hear the advice join a hobby you're passionate about and you'll make likeminded friends, but sometimes I do thing that's a bit simplistic and ignores people who are just bad at social sills and striking up conversations, and that people absolutely join hobby groups or meetup clubs to meet people moreso than their intense love of painting or improv comedy or whatever it is.

[@cylyte2436]

Climbing gym/climbing club? Pretty friendly community so you’re sure to meet people but it’s still exercise related

[@nicolereusch4309]

I am the person who loves the mundane. I am highly sensitive and have an anxiety disorder and as a result I rarely need to seek thrill in my life. Instead I often am planning my social time and travel to avoid a sense of overwhelm. The way this effects my love life is that I actually hate the so called "honeymoon phase." The newness and thrill gives me frequent nausea and waves of anxiety. Once that initial phase is over and I feel settled and comfortable with my partner, only then can I really enjoy life with them at my side. At that point every date is filled with joy, every kiss exciting, and every hug gives me butterflies. So in summary, I guess you could say us sensitive folks life life in the honeymoon phase, and a new relationship is just extremely stressful, haha.

[@miladeseitan]

as a fellow HSP I relate so much to this!

[@doid4354]

@@miladeseitanHSP isn’t a real thing btw. Saying this as someone who thought they were hsp but turned out to be on the spectrum

[@sighanblossom5721]

Yes!!

[@mearl3977]

I dont feel the meh about dating. For me it's like nobody wants me. I feel like I don't have options like dating is for other people and somehow I'm not good enough

[@ebeb44]

i relate to this strongly. don’t have any of the rap sheets of long term partners everyone else seems to have. just a list of men who used my body and were on to the next

[@user-wk5yc7eb7t]

i feel the *exact* same way. i might feel "meh" about it if i actually got to experience it. i don't even have the list of men the above reply has. i don't plan to live past forty at this rate.

[@betteregglet]

To everyone in this thread: you are absolutely good enough!! Just because you haven’t been with someone doesn’t mean it could never happen, or it won’t. It also doesn’t mean it has to, and nothing about your worth comes from dating. I understand wanting it though, and your feelings are valid. But not having any partners does not make you any less of a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves the world!!! Ik this is something you may know and are dealing with, just wanted to send encouragement!

[@painunending4610]

Same tbh. No ones ever sent me a signal, flirted with me or asked me out. How am i supposed to date if no one desires me?

[@painunending4610]

​@@user-wk5yc7eb7t i know im an internet stranger but i do hope you live past forty and enjoy yoe life. I also know what its like to be undesirable and it doesnt stop me finding joy in other areas of life Sorry if this wasn't wanted and you just want to vent. Hope you hav a good day

[@sebosebo4661]

When you said "exciting relationships" the very first thing that came to mind was arguing, fighting, and abuse. I am more interested in "boring" relationships because of that I guess

[@awake.in.88]

Polly person here just sounding off. It started as a thruple and after 5 years that one corner ended up hurting us, and since then have been in on the monogamous train. But we recently talked about opening back up again. Because seeing him fulfill his desires, watch him be desired through other's eyes, it all gives me pleasure and vice versa. Now 15 years strong, what we consider the backbone of our relationship is that we're friends first and foremost; the keys are respect, gratitude and constant communication. I feel lucky to be so loved; to live freely and truly.

[@fairygodmother139]

🥴

[@catcat9582]

Why not social dance instead? You can see ppl desire him with risk of interacting w shit people or stds and and stis

[@judysm95]

Love this for you guys, whether you stay closed or open again, wishing you the very best!

[@micheller3251]

I have a bit of a different perspective. I tend to have a more utilitarian approach to my life, and have only been with my first and current partner. I already struggle with people enough as it is, I really don't see myself juggling with things like jealousy or dating multiple people without hurting anyone or getting hurt. For me what keeps my relationship solid is good team work. Doing chores together, talking about finances together, arranging our home together, working with each other's strenghts and weaknesses, etc. makes me wanna be with that person for my whole life because it feels like an actual improvement instead of a hindrance. He makes things easier for me and I make things easier for him. Also, we both spend a lot of time seperately for work, studies, hobbies, seeing friends which allows us to have a fulfilling life and makes us miss each other (we're sometimes gone for 2 to 5 days) which creates that desirability for us.

[@Anngrl69]

This is the type of relationship that I’m looking for, partnership! ENM and poly don’t seem like they are for me either, I can barely handle talking to two people on a dating app and the idea of juggling multiple relationships just sounds exhausting. Im definitely an introvert, so maybe that plays into the lack of desire for multiple partners

[@doid4354]

@@Anngrl69introverted has nothing to do with it. you just value actual commitment and respect towards your partner. seems less and less common among this generation unfortunately. every single polyamorous relationship I’ve witnessed was built from bored/selfish people who wanted to have all the good parts of relationships without putting in the effort to actually make it work. i’ve seen my own friends crumble from trying and failing to do polyamory. the people who are attracted to that lifestyle tend to have a lot of issues they’re masking

[@RamenzillaX]

I hate dating so much I’ve essentially opted out. No hooking up. No dating. Just me, myself, and I. ✌🏻

[@roxy4325]

Ive literally started singing that song to myself everyday 🎶It's just me myself and I, solo ride until I die, cause I, got me for life 🎶

[@jasonhaven7170]

You could just open yourself up to Black men.

[@Sk8terboi7878]

S A M E this is making me feel so seen 🥹

[@RamenzillaX]

@@jasonhaven7170 with all due respect, what makes you think the race/ethnicity of man makes a difference?

[@jasonhaven7170]

@@RamenzillaX I guarantee if you switch to dating only Blk men, you'll be 100% fine

[@elliefortune9517]

I'm a polyamorous white cis het fem who's dated a few cis het dudes. Lesson learned: the super charming, handsome, charismatic fellas might be really tempting, like they're good at pulling you in, but they're super frustrating to date. I've recently learned I'm autistic and I think these dudes are into a manic pixie dream girl, until! Manic pixie dream girl shows her other "cringey" autistic traits. So I prefer, enjoy and appreciate my relationships with my quiet awkward ND fellas for a variety of reasons. It's good to feel safe with your people. I'm curious if this is a common experience?

[@nicolewood7957]

Yes!

[@Amoechick]

Poly white femby- same enough experience. Those guys are like funnel cake. A nice treat, but you can’t live off it without hurting your heart and it’s not Really worth the mess + high effort to have on the regular.

[@nogodsnomasters6963]

Not poly but i agree 😅 noone gets my manic pixie dream girl without the depressive nightmare troll boy! They are both equally loved around here, and i prefer ppl (as friends, in general) who GET THAT

[@dean1111]

not poly (I'm aromantic) but dude the manic pixie dream girl thing is so relatable. I've got to confess that sometimes I lean into it by accident (I always liked the idea of being seen as a manic pixie dream girl, suddenly my nd traits were valued) but it always fell apart when they actually started liking me

[@ToothpasteIsGettingExpensive]

Ignore this if you want it might feel intrusive but Have you watched ImAutisticNowWhat on KZbin. Pretty easy going and wholesome btw how did you find your “ND fellas” ? Do you tend to get along with other autistic people?

[@thecrazypinyata]

What a TIMELY video

[@kirbykirbykirbyO8]

I had been chasing matches that did not and would not work just because I thought they were attractive and had similar interests. I always had a deep want to feel desirable and I got to a point where I was physically drawing people, but I realized how shallow of a jumping off point that was. It was really important for me to de emphasize how much thought and energy I put towards desirability. I randomly asked out a mutual friend I found on hinge and the vibes are so amazing and infectious and I realize I would never have found my gf if I was still looking for the right person to tick my boxes and magically fix my insecurities

[@Mar1n3Sh0j0]

Occasionally, I feel blessed to be asexual and not having a romantic relationship as a priority… the dating scene seems rough!

[@nelsonboubou7006]

Relatable asf. Despite being Bi I feel like I lean more towards that asexual side sexually and I’m ok with it. That whole dating thing just annoys me to be honest

[@MiniM69]

This sounds like bliss, tbh. I know it may have rough coming to that realization and society doesn’t understand ace folks but you’re winning to me (other than the discrimination)

[@orsolyafekete7485]

I don't consider myself neither ace nor aro, but several times when I talked to people about dating, relationships, etc. I thought "Am I the only person in this room who doesn't consider being in a relationship a nonnegotiable life necessity?" Like I honestly don't get what is better about being in an at best mid relationship than being single. I do miss it sometimes, but frankly, I got bigger problems, and always will

[@grandmasterofdemoniccock]

Imagine watching the dumpster fire we're in 💀

[@dean1111]

do you mean aromantic? because ace is just about sexual connection no?

[@fatimaharris320]

I'm on the other end of things. I'm a fairly boring person and I have no qualms with that myself. But contending with how boring I would be to another person trips me up everytime. I'd rather be single than to be constantly worrying if I'm good enough to hold someone's interests.

[@sighanblossom5721]

Exactly my case. I love my person . I feel ill be boring to the person I date or I'll b forced to step out of myself and be "interesting ". No thanks to much stress for me.

[@mikaykay3977]

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years (he’s 31 & I’m 30). Him & I have loved many different versions of each other. Humans grow & evolve. While it can be annoying that this or that doesn’t work anymore it’s exciting to keep up. If that makes sense…😅

[@Lorilor343]

Im totally fine being monogamous. I Just feel like it’s difficult to find people who are ACTUALLY monogamous. But again im also someone who has done a ton of gratitude work. And i think the chase for “the next best thing” is a big issue in our generation. I also feel as someone who has never been in a committed relationship, only situationships (so sick of that now) i think people DO get bored fast and do struggle with putting in work. I fear i might be delusional in thinking that I can find an attractive, monogamous, straight, kind man but i still hold out hope. I love that we no longer have to date within the 10 miles of where we were born but the apps have also become a crutch for us.

[@Sunny-kt1ni]

I think dating apps can exacerbate the issue too. People often have no ties to each other outside of the dating app so there’s less social accountability (if any), ghosting doesn’t work as well if you share social circles, a workplace or you know the person’s family. When the only connection you have to your partners social circle is your partner, it’s easier to hide a bad reputation.

[@fairygodmother139]

Me and my husband met in college at 18, we’re both monogamous. Don’t want to share and don’t want to be shared. I like being monogamous because I desire him and only him and vice versa, I don’t even gotta ask him. This guy chases me still to this day like we are still in college, we go on dates, trips, maybe stay over at our parents for a few days and come back and that distance is exciting. Being poly isn’t better, I hate that people act like it is.

[@spencersk83r]

@@fairygodmother139 Kat Blaque has a video about "it's okay to say no to polyamory" and I love that video, doesn't go over ALL nuances, but she kicked it out of the park, standing up for people (mainly femmes) who get dragged into an open relationship by their partner (usually a man) who claims that "they aren't being open minded enough and don't truly love their partner". Seriously I had to rewatch after I watched this video, because I found it disappointing that Khadija kept hammering it in that being monogamous is boring.

[@Lorilor343]

@@Sunny-kt1ni i like the lack of social accountability. I wish to simply never hear or see of you again without it affecting my social life. I don’t think I would date friends of friends even if dating apps weren’t around

[@doid4354]

I will say I tried non-monogamy with my 2nd relationship and it was a complete waste of our time. I just didn’t want to commit to the guy I was with, so I went and chased randoms. But I never phrased it that way to him. I told him “I want to be free to do what I want.” But the truth beneath that phrase was *”I don’t want to be with you, I just want my options open.”* I was a teenager and genuinely terrified of commitment. I wish other people would just admit their flaws instead of trying to make it a relationship style. Growing up is learning how to be committed and mature.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

the demi experience of the first minute like... yes i did recently meet someone online and i am dating!! wait there are actually people who think looks are as important as personality? wait there are people who say that but actually weigh looks HIGHER?? i guess this is not relatable after all

[@javi7636]

Big same. The more Khadija explained the common experience, the more I felt like I had found a portal to a totally different world. Y'all fully sexual people are wild, you have my condolences. 😂

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@javi7636 imo desiribility is pretty interesting from an ace spectrum perspective too, just quite different. I was reading Ace by Angela Chen and she talked about how she prefers not to date other ace people because she wants to be desired, and that's something I get, although I'm currently very happy to be dating another demi person and not to feel pressure or to worry about if my partner doesn't get it. But it's complex to find a romantic and/or sexual connection in the first place when on the ace spectrum, and then there's more nuance to what attractions are and how they function. Not sure how it goes in the long-run yet! imo I think the main reason I care about looks at all is dealing with the reactions of friends/family to someone. not gonna determine who I date but it does seem harder to deal with other people if you're dating someone they consider undesirable and are potentially judgmental about it.

[@sassylittleprophet]

Right???? Like I don't get that either. I've met a few physically attractive people who were so arrogant or stuck up, and instantly, they were so just "ew" to me. Not that they became less attractive physically, but I have no tolerance for awful people, no matter how good they look. I've gotten together with people I wasn't initially that physically attracted to, but the deeper in love I fall with someone over time, the more attractive they become to me. I *have* to click with someone emotionally first and foremost. Looks are just the icing on the cake.

[@bigbugjpeg]

the shock when i realized people aren't usually demi is so bizarre 😭

[@honeybun3492]

@@bigbugjpegomg the way I NEEDED to learn demisexual was a thing because I HATED anyone asking what my sexuality was and if I was just asexual because no I don’t want to have ex-say with strangers?? It’s so uncomfortable to me but it’s what so many fandoms are built on and like it gets discourse-y real quick because how ethical IS IT to constantly chat about how sexually attractive a person is and you don’t even know them? Is that not harassment? Or since it’s the general human experience do we accept it? It’s made me question so many things and look at society through a different lens, specifically with less judgement once I realized oh that’s just their sexuality showing? And people are okay with it because they’re (usually) the same? Oooooo and don’t get me startttted on the hetero discourse of “everyone’s poly you just choose to be monogamous because it’s respectful to your partner” like they genuinely have sexual attraction to a whole GENDER and that’s wild to me

[@coconutthecockatiel478]

Discussions like these are always so interesting to me as a demiromantic. I can't imagine dating someone for their looks

[@alexandriatb11]

Not me just returning to the dating scene

[@Lorilor343]

I’m one of the people that just can’t wrap their head around the polly thing. It’s hard enough to find good long term friendships let alone a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are work I couldn’t imagine having to do the tough growing work that comes with dating with more than one person. Im too tired for that. Kind of reminds me when people say they just want one kid to pour all their love and energy into

[@pinksapple]

RIGHT? I am attracted to so few people and then putting on top basic compatibility, its very rare to meet someone whos matching. Maybe because Im a straight woman. But yea once I find someone that works I have absolutely NO desire to continue looking, considering most of the time they will be 99% better than all the harassment / disrespect / forcing my boundaries / education about basic fcking thinng I have to go through with men as a woman that is dating.

[@painunending4610]

Same. Like i cant ever find one person attracted to me, some people are out here finding TWO?

[@theodoravellum4589]

I’m a straight female in my 40s who has been with my straight husband for 15 years, we have a four year old. We have been poly for 8 years and are very happy with it. My two cents is that, for both of us, our secondary relationships are a chance to let different parts of our personalities, sexuality, and areas of interest out. Are they extra work? Yes. Are they more work than just maintaining important friendships? No. We both consider the effort well worth the result.

[@jiri6691]

The personality is maybe the most important thing at the end, but ugly people do not get the chance to show it because we swipe left. It is what it is.

[@painunending4610]

People always say 'looks get your foot in the door, personality gets you inside' but that just basically means peolle see your looks first and decide whether to let you in based on that. Its basically admitting looks are the most important thing but its offered up like its encouraging advice lol

[@doid4354]

@@painunending4610we are animals at the end of the day. we look for what we think is a healthy and attractive partner subconsciously. because our body knows it wants a healthy and stable mate to procreate with. I don’t even want kids in the future, but I know I don’t have control over what I find attractive anyway. People tend to see ugly and disabled people as not viable options to raise offspring, it’s not their fault they are wired that way.

[@TurtleStormer]

I actually crave the mundane when it comes to relationships 😅 everything else I’m doing can be chaotic and exciting I just benefit from someone grounding me a bit

[@Jibbeeeee]

I’ve been thinking about this A LOT lately. I think it’s interesting when people say they have a “type” when I’ve never really been able to say the same. I like who I like. Like, how do people define what their type is?

[@jjpowerrrr]

it’s something you learn as you’re around different people and talk to some of them. you realize that you like certain features and styles more than others. it’s a life thing i guess.

[@jasonhaven7170]

You seem the type to not date Black men

[@samsprague3158]

You may at some point notice patterns in the people you like. It doesn’t mean that’s the end-all-be-all of what you’re attracted to, but can definitely be a noticeable preference.

[@MamaJayde]

I feel like that’s what leads to most cheating- searching for novelty bc the day-to-day feels too boring. I’ll have to check the book out; sounds like a good read!

[@suemerfeld3337]

I don't like the feeling of codependency with my boyfriend. I enjoy having my own independent life outside of him and I feel happy seeing him do his own things. I feel it keeps things interesting after living together for a long time. I feel a sense of freedom while feeling secure and safe.

[@ST_Vinny]

I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I met my partner online. For me, online dating helped a lot, I always felt invisible on my day-to-day life and was always bad with social cues, never knowing when somebody was into me or just being nice. With a match I felt more secure to invest and to flirt because the person literally "liked" me, so I could start off on that, and I'm less shy by text. Obviously I had some not so great experiences but I've truly found love. At this point of our relationship for me what keeps interesting is on how we in a team effort can keep the love fresh, exciting and also calm and stable, I think that having the desirability dynamic being about chasing an ideal relationship (not obsessing, but for the effort) is a good way to keep things interesting and moving. Love your channel and your work Khadija, you're simply the best!

[@Freemindheaven]

Honestly after going through a lot of toxic concepts of masculinity and expectations I’ve genuinely reached a point of understanding that if I want happiness, it’s going to cost me due to not wanting to conform to what I don’t want to identify with. It’s lonely, but, casting a wider net would never have worked in the first place. 🤷🏾 lol

[@ChoclateGeek]

Hmm can you explain further?

[@Freemindheaven]

@@ChoclateGeek sure. I didn’t want to put a wall of text, so it might’ve come out weird. What I meant was that understanding that chasing what I believed would make me a real man, in the eyes of others caused me to do harm to myself and others. Looking at women as a means to further cement my masculinity and altering myself and personality in ways that aren’t congruent with who I am wasn’t it. The last part means less that I don’t want to change who I am, but more so that I’m understanding who I am or at least who should be will contest with normalized standards that may cost me being more conventionally desirable by others. And I just have to ok with that and have faith that me being genuinely myself will result in more real relationships.

[@Magnumweight]

See, I'm glad you mentioned the camera thing. I am a guy that sometimes suffers from very bad body image issues, being on the bigger side and all that, to the point where it's made the usual depression, anxiety and issues with SI that I've had since 2nd grade sometimes unbearable. I know there are circumstances where I can feel good about how I look but I've just never managed to look good on camera it seems. People around me tell me "You just need to find the right angle" but they never seem to elaborate further on what I can do in this regard. I do feel that a lot of men have similar struggles with body image issues, especially nowadays with images in the media from The Rock to Timothee Chalamet and those in between being seen as the modern day idealized images of masculinity. Thanks for the video, you're awesome by the way

[@ADubbs-fd8xf]

Your experience is valid, and I wish you peace and healing!

[@painunending4610]

I know how you feel about photos. I always say there are like three good photos of me to exist and I only know one of them lol

[@poobumweefat]

When 31% of respondents *say* they value personality the most…but the reality shows that people really do care about looks - I think it’s more that we conflate ‘personality’ with ‘chemistry’. A guy asked me once why I didn’t like him, and I could tell he was trying to get me to say I didn’t think he looked attractive, but in reality…he just annoyed me 💀 there was no chemistry, he got on my nerves and was not a caring person. In another instance, I developed a crush for a guy i would never have thought I’d be attracted to (based on looks). Just comes to show that it really really isn’t about looks, but about a connection - and if the connection you’re looking for is purely physical (casual tinder hookup) then you’re going to be valuing looks. If it’s a relationship, you’re going to be looking for personality/chemistry.

[@peterkim4568]

Hey Khadija. Im a 30+ dateless wonder, and i find myself struggling with incel thoughts and tendencies. This comment is not really about this video in particular, but I feel like I oughtta say something at some point. Thanks for the work you do and for helping me stay away from that path and helping me get out of my own head. Though you don't know me personally, you do make me feel seen, which I'm sure is how a lot of people in your audience feel as well.

[@user-wk5yc7eb7t]

Same here.

[@unamejames]

All my life I have had very broad and eclectic attraction to androgynous and feminine looking people. A lot of people have judged me negatively for that, mainly other boys and men. It honestly more makes me angry that they try to judge me like that than it influences my taste.

[@user-wk5yc7eb7t]

you give me hope that someday i'll meet a man who finds me physically attractive

[@doid4354]

@@user-wk5yc7eb7tyou will. i was absolutely shocked i found a man who loves and even prefers my hairy, natural self. and my more masculine features. i might have found a unicorn lol

[@saragustavsson3387]

Very interesting video, and it is interesting to hear such a different perspective I personally have recently realised that it is the mundane that I enjoy, I didn't date when I was a teenager at all since the whole concept scared me, amd when I got to my early twenties and I tried to date a friend it ended badly due to him always wanting things like jealousy, fights and messy situations that I simply don't do, I don't get jealous and I don't enjoy pointless fights, so I would just end up being hurt and confused. The lad I am currently with is very similar to me, we both enjoy the small things, and we keep things interesting within our comfort zones that we slowly expand. Both me and him are on the spectrum and really need the safe mundane stability to function well in any relationship. But it never feels boring, even if it sounds like it

[@austinthesan-antonian3932]

Because attraction is an at the end of the day internal thing, I find it really weird to think that dating somebody YOU find attractive would make other people find you more attractive FOR THEM or mean that your partner finds you proportionally attractive... FOR THEM. We don't know what other people are into; this seems 80% speculation 20% ego trip.

[@fairygodmother139]

Yeah that’s weird because I actually don’t like when other people want the guy I want, it’s a turn off

[@nicolewood7957]

It’s the social capital of having a partner. Not the specific individual

[@austinthesan-antonian3932]

@@fairygodmother139 No, I meant thinking that you are more attractive to people around you seemingly because you are dating somebody that you find attractive.

[@lunanyx8592]

An interesting thing I've noticed about in myself is that when I worked on my problematic views towards different people and body traits, I found myself more attractived to this people and traits because I realized how beautiful they were and gave up on the problematic beauty standards I was fed by society. It's interesting to me because to me, it shows that attraction and what we find attractive is subjective and fluid.

[@kimbapit]

I really believe it's possible, but how do you consciously work on your attractions?

[@user-qu5js9vw9o]

It’s a painful reality that won’t go away

[@AlwaysAmTired]

Dating while fat, dating apps gave me WAY more options to hook up and hang out, but about the same amount of people who would actually publicly date a fat woman (extremely few). I did meet a guy on tinder who ended up introducing me to my husband, so I guess it worked out.

[@greaneast]

I was watching perfect match and literally thinking about this. I’m glad you brought it up. all the people in the Netflix universe nearly look identical, Instagram models and I was like damn where is the diversity like all the men don’t need to be super shredded and tall and all the girls super skinny and short. I would still watch the show but maybe other people won’t guess that’s just society

[@susanwright6168]

@greaneast I've always wondered when networks are going to make dating shows with "normal-looking" people. I think I would be all over something like that to be honest. Would it still be toxic? Maybe. But it would be ironically refreshing 😅

[@alliasn3384]

I’ve been with my person for 10+ years and to me it feels like an adventure that we’ve decided to go on together. I think my personality slotted me as strictly monogamous and I know I incredibly lucky to find someone who shares that trait, plus it helps that we genuinely just like each other at our cores.

[@facetsofus2008]

7:28 “attractiveness isn’t just about what you like, but what other people like” So true. Especially in female friend groups, attractive qualities are constructed through consensus. This leads to a homogenous picture of desirability, that honestly doesn’t set women up to find desirable partners.

[@Jackie-cl2qe]

Your videos feel like talking to a big sister and you talk in the perfect speed too. I'm ace and not dating. Close friendships, iced coffee and learning kpop dances are doing it for me rn. I've tried dating and I'm just really not good at it. I blame my parents, sure they have something to do with it. My ideal type is me with money. So if i date, I should go for someone rich, then i can pay for my friends little beverages. This dating game sounds easy, i solved it. Thank you 💕💕

[@KelsieJG__they-them]

It's me, I'm the person who finds online dating way easier. I'm incredibly socially anxious and online feels so much safer, in MANY ways. I need that distance for a while before I get close ("close" as in, exist in the same room as someone lol). I'm also on the ace spectrum and I think that contributes to me preferring long term, serious, monogamous romantic relationships. The sensual "spark" can't die for someone who never had it to begin with, basically. I don't get tired of my partner the same way you don't generally get tired of your friends.

[@S3rY0]

Monogamy suits me, I used to be anxious about what I would miss out on by being with only one person. But that mostly was trauma from my first heartbreak. Regarding the mundane; sometimes things slow down, but I don't put that on my partner. I also realized watching this that you can't really know a person fully ever, because you don't know who they will become as time goes by...that's kind of exciting too!

[@elleofhearts8471]

10:35 summed up as "wanting is better than having." I think this is because when you build up in your mind the image of the object of your desire, reality cant compare. Reality will never be able to compete with the mystery of a new person for the person who is always chasing better and is never satisfied. The unknown and mystery vs the known and reality. Endless possibilities vs limited possibilities. Excitement vs routine. Questioning if one in the hand really is worth two in the bush. Reality cant compete with what you can think up in your mind. And the more time you spend with someone, the more the barriers that stand between wanting and having break down. The more time you spend with someone the more you're likely to see the cracks in the image you built of them or you'll see they're standing on a broken pedestal. That's not great for the person who doesn't know the specific qualities they desire for their own fulfillment given the world offers billions of options.Trying to find a 0 opportunity cost partner is a fools errand unless you're a serial dater who was never pursuing a stable and traditional life to begin with, which most people arent.

[@moonbinnietm8871]

wow this is so well written

[@wintalia]

let me take a screen shot

[@katejackson3469]

I may be misremembering parts of this, but I learned in a psych class I did this year that doing new things with your partner is one of the best ways to ensure that you both remain happy with each other because then you can associate each other with this sort of self expansion and growth.

[@100Remedios]

Yep, I have heard this, too

[@ismini-t]

This came out just as I redownloaded hinge lmao

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Chile…

[@sarahgates6947]

Lol same but I downloaded Hinge and Bumble but I might deleted again

[@crownjewel9602]

So strange, is smth in the air? Is it the season??? A lot of friends around me are re-downloading their dating apps, too!

[@fairygodmother139]

I don’t like that monogamy is seen as boring if you’re not into your partner seeing other people. Like yeah I don’t want to share or be shared. So weird, I ain’t poly and don’t have any desire to be. It’s weird to me and monogamy is best for me. I believe you can only love one person at a time romantically.

[@Franniiv3]

I just got Ghosted by someone I was dating for 4 Months, surprised and hurt but not as much as when I got Ghosted by someone I dated for almost 6 years! I don't mind these different relationship situations, as long as all parties communicate how they feel and their Intentions. Prob gonna be Solo for a little while 'I'll give me a few weeks lol', before I begin talking to somebody new. xo

[@soupduchess2164]

ghosted after 6 years is crazy!! i'm so sorry.

[@Vanessa-iq3vt]

I’m actually on the side of resting in the mundane and encouraging folks to find whatever’s missing and leave me be sometimes 😅. I’m human and unfortunately like companionship sometimes but it’s wayyy less than and not as consistent compared to others.

[@birdiewolf3497]

Same. Give me something mundane. I want peace and tranquility.

[@user-mx7fh2ms3z]

I found probably my soulmate on online dating. However, patriarchy happened and he thought I should give up my home, city, friends, job, and career to move in with him, and magically all my stuff would fit into his house without him inconveniencing himself to move his stuff to make room and if I got anxious about any of this, told me the decision was all mine and if I moved in with him and was unhappy, well it was my decision. So I took it to heart, decided 'no', and I'm done with dating now. He was perfect in every other way.

[@lorenkmp]

I'm bad at dating - I was married for a long time and chose to get divorced. Tried the apps, hated it. Tried to meet people IRL but I'm awkward and have no game lol, also people are wild these days who has the patience. I believe the universe will provide or it won't at this point 😅

[@Ajdkkwkdkakskw]

agree with this wholeheartedly. sometimes the best thing for my relationship is spending time apart to focus on ourselves and everything feels new and exciting again when we meet again

[@juliavalencaschoen2234]

I had a great time with dating apps. I met my fiancée on Bumble and I actually (ever the practical person) had 5 dates lined up for the next two weeks with people I met there. I went on my first one with who would be my fiancée, and pretty much the next morning (yes, I’m fun-loving) we both looked at each other and decided that we were going to put 100% of ourselves into this relationship. I cancelled the other 5 dates and never looked back. We are exactly that what you said: this is enough for both of us (honestly more than enough). And we are to each other essentially the only constant thing in our lives, we’re each other’s “home” as cheesy as it sounds. We’re both bisexual, plus size, and white. I’m AFAB and they’re AMAB.

[@Kay-po4pl]

I feel like I’ll never run out of things to learn about my partner in the same way that I’ll never run out of things to learn about me. We’re always growing and changing. I get a special satisfaction out of knowing small things like his favorite coffee and, silly as it may sound, I get excited when he tries something new or reveals to me he has a new favorite. Because that little change is indicative of all the small changes happening every day in his mind and soul. If I think I know him completely, I’ll have to restart tomorrow because something new has inspired him. The same goes for myself. There’s always more to learn about and love in myself because tomorrow I’ll be slightly different than I am today. Maybe even just because I watched this video and it made me think about intimacy differently.

[@kace2886]

I love my man, but it was h*ll getting to him 😭

[@yourratnextdoor4185]

Share the story

[@kace2886]

I was in relationship after relationship trying to have “fun,” and keeping myself entertained with mess. When I met him, I realized I actually like the mundane. + My “entertainment” was just stressing me out. Now I’m in a happy relationship where we communicate & love each other. It’s pretty pretty nice.

[@kiw.9805]

Emphasis on h*ll getting to them. The same with my wife. I fought for my life 😭😭😭

[@SpiritVines]

Frl

[@narglefargle]

I'm demisexual. I can't feel attraction to a short blurb and a fistful of photos. So, yeah...dating these days is frustrating, but not exactly for the reasons specified in this video. The implication that there is something fundamentally wrong with being single is also really frustrating, and will absolutely prompt well-meaning people to do and say something that hurts me.

[@skyetranqille9534]

Just want to say I love and admire you as much as I could a person I don't know IRL and thanks for all the amazing videos Khadija ❤️ 💖 💜

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Thank you 🥹🫶🏿

[@macidismuke4326]

Girl the clips of you and this opera pole combo go CRAZYYYYY

[@TiagoMorbusSa]

now, I MAY BE aromantic (I am) but I'm just gonna let this sit here attraction and desire is a social construct and is not a biologic imperative

[@shadiofficialmusic]

Do you mind elaborating?

[@stellavanwyk2483]

I think I consider myself to be a serial monogamist. I have found that when I was in my previous relationship I didn’t find anyone else attractive nor did I want to entertain anything with anyone else but that partner. Monogamy to me is less of a choice and more the way I feel most safe and comfortable. I don’t want to lie in bed next to someone who is a stranger to me in any way. I love knowing everything about someone, there is something incredibly comforting about seeing a person fully. This being said, I can’t have the same life as my partner- then I’d go mad. Having separate lives but knowing each others lives intimately is quite romantic 😎

[@CrackedPropane]

I learned I liked monogamy by not being monogamist I think openness and introspection helps navigating relationships

[@ellerose5997]

i'm a "Bare my soul and witness me and let's see if you will Have me" and vice versa kinda partner. something about creating trust and vulnerability in a relationship makes me feel more loved and seen.

[@NewMom2023X]

OMG I love your face! Girl you are hilarious, smart and so fun! Keep doing your thing!

[@Chachixo]

So I don't know if me being (simply put) asexual has a big effect on my opinion or if it was my tumultuous upbringing - maybe both. But, no, I do not like the extra spice haha. I just feel like I don't need it. To me, the function of romance and partnership is to uplift one another be the versions of ourselves we most want to be and to create a happy life together. And for me, that primarily consists of security, peace and comfort. Any unnecessary anxiety doesn't feel like excitement to me. I am happy in a relationship as long as I feel fulfilled and fulfillment to me is just getting closer over time.

[@nicoleflores548]

I could watch you talk about anything. Perfect combination of analysis & entertainment.

[@nautil_us]

I don't really get why desire stops in long term relationships. I've been with my partner for 5+ years now and the desire is still There. It might be that I love learning his perspective on things (and he mine). As long as we both find new Topics to Have Opinions On and discover the world together! Like, I could learn about what pet he wished he had at 11 or his favourite teacher at 14, but it's so much more Interesting to go to a museum together and See how a different person experiences the same thing! Find the bonnie to your Clyde and go conquer the world together!

[@jensendsflowers]

You are one of few people online I want to hear discuss dating 🧡 your thoughts and learnings bring comfort

[@paris_2518]

About what you said on how there are people that go the opposite direction. I've dated a white guy who specifically went for other guys that were more "ethnic" looking because all he saw around him were white people and anyone else that didn't fit that look was just more appealing to him because we were more interesting in that sense and has always wanted to experience more in that sense. It really sucked that our relationship didn't work out though no thanks to his past trauma and commitment issues because I was finally with someone that saw me for me and I saw him for him and it was just so nice to be on the same frequency with someone in that sense and just vibe with each other because of how enjoyable it was

[@arianathough2070]

I feel like an overwhelming amount of people try to replace self-healing and growth with getting a partner. They see it as like a shortcut to better mental health. And that's just not the case, so a bunch of us find partners and after the honeymoon phase we still feel empty and unfulfilled, and we project that onto our loved ones. And maybe I'm just speaking from my own experience, but doing that for years and years can really stall your personal development, and even keep some of us from getting the help/treatment we actually need.

[@couchpunk]

Khadjia how are you always putting out videos on the exact topics I'm mulling over at that time?? Phenomenal work as always!

[@cursedseagullgames]

After having been in a poly ship, I can say it ain't for me. I don't like the idea or feeling a person is drifting from me in a poly ship, especially when I really like someone I only want to be with them. So the idea that I'm simply not enough and that person "needs more, needs that spice" doesn't do a lot for my self-esteem, and that ship added more baggage to my pile.

[@lucian1985]

Just coming off of a long long-distance relationship and the satisfaction and gratitude points hit. We are better friends now than we were when we were partners, i think. I am so thankful for that opportunity to learn about loving myself and others! Our separation would have gone worse if we hadnt decided to own up to each other about what we were feeling.

[@jonathancangelosi2439]

Throughout my life I have found so many women of so many shapes, sizes, and varieties attractive, and being in a committed monogamous relationship means I cannot pursue any of them. It makes me sad sometimes, but I also know that as long as my girlfriend and I never stop trying to grow, there will always be new horizons for us to explore. That mentality has helped give me some feeling of contentment and the knowledge that it is still possible to cultivate desire with a person you’ve known for a long time.

[@Rachel4momo]

My void needs to be filled

[@LuckyLurking]

Ace and fascinated, I've never even thought about being attractive even in the depth of body dysmorphia, your lives are so interesting, so many factors of so much history... Truly The instinct in a modern setting, i want more studies on all of this. It seems so torturous yet joyful.

[@neonsaltlamp1999]

This hair colour looks stunning on you btw

[@andremoseley2362]

For me i think i’ve always been on the opposite end of “not being enough” or “not being the better option”. I always seemed to end up grateful for whoever i was with 6/7 times (there was one time i wasn’t and mutually called things off) I’ve put in a lot of work into protecting my peace and setting boundaries over time due to so much heartbreak to the point i think my walls are indestructible. Funnily enough my confidence is at its highest cause of that. To summarize, i’ve started to see dating as an option rather than a goal and this mindset did wonders to my self esteem as well as my authentic friendships.

[@MissM0ds]

Yup. Immediate subscribe, energy is immaculate. ❤

[@Justauri-asdfghjkl]

Wow the intimacy/passion excerpt was beautiful!

[@Jeshiae]

It's funny that you talk about getting bored because I cannot wait to live that boring partnered life 😂 I also know that I look a lot better irl in pictures, and so the "curation" of the app profile I absolutely despise. I also have a very distinct vibe in person that does cause people to be self-selecting (like 5 min into a date, they will leave), so that adds another level of 😵‍💫.

[@marlonmoises6598]

10:28 “When you desire something, the whole point is the chase”

[@wizardbug]

as a bisexual w very broad tastes in who i find attractive, i truly cannot wrap my head around the concept of not finding someone attractive due to things like skin complexion, body type, facial features, etc. it seems pedantic to me. it ultimately flattens ppl to their physical features when in reality theres soooo many dimensions to a person in which u can find attractive ie. mannerisms, their voice, sense of style, music taste, uh yknow, their personality? imo thats why even though online dating theoretically widens the net for a lot of ppl, the act of interacting w ppl over text or call is missing a lot of those other key elements which adds up to being attracted or not attracted to someone

[@mrskranken]

One important thing that's made things more exciting for me is NOT jumping right into dating. Becoming friends first helps to strengthen the bond so that the romantic aspects act as a nice little add-on to an already enjoyable relationship.

[@lololuv2012]

The “something better” epidemic is wild. I was the first this guy dated for a hot second, told me essentially he wasn’t interested. Then on a random afternoon over a month later, he wants to go date again. Sir, you are only coming back cause you are clearly not as marketable as you thought you were to deserve someone “better” than me. Get lost.

[@birdiewolf3497]

What pisses me off is that they can’t stand on business. If you want to go after something better that’s fine. Go chase after that, and continue to seek that. What makes no sense is spinning the block after you failed. Like sir you know what you are searching for cannot be found here. That’s why we are not together. What a coward.

[@lololuv2012]

@@birdiewolf3497 EXACTLY. Not only is it disrespectful, it’s pathetic.

[@birdiewolf3497]

@@lololuv2012 Literally. They think they can use you as an ego boost! Meanwhile they are not interested in you, they just like that you like them.

[@charliepaige196]

I’ve been off dating apps for a couple years now. I always ended up liking the person I was talking to online, but when we would meet up I would get major ick like 99% of the time.

[@cazrethomas]

Newly single after almost six years and I am dreading going back to the marketplace. Specifically the dishonesty that will ensue because we are all doing our mating dance even if we don’t really want to mate with a person. But I am excited for new experiences and relationships and finding out more about myself

[@FlintTD]

It's really interesting to hear this deep dive into how you feel about your relationships. I was single for most of my teens and twenties, but I'm now in a happy long-term relationship (4 years, poly). I think my partner is such a cool person, and I'm happy to know a lot about them because there's always more to know! We both try to continuously learn and grow as people, and we both love discussing media and current events (in general, with each other). Maybe it's the Struggler in me, but I've rarely thought "I'm bored of [name]". Work keeps me stressed, and I've got a million hobby projects, so I find having a partner to be a safe haven. Also, having a long-term relationship reassures me that I am desirable, because someone right there desires me! It also helps to know that if I find someone attractive, I could date them without losing my current relationship. (That said I pull inward when I'm stressed, so it's not easy-breezy for me to be properly attentive to multiple partners right now.)

[@alessandrarussell80]

As a monogamous person who had a unstable upbringing, I’m pretty happy with just having the one person. But I picked someone who has different interests than me and is always looking to grow, even if he gets stagnant sometimes. He teaches me things I didn’t know about and I do the same for him. We have things we connect on but my focus is more on experiencing and learning various things outside a romantic relationship… I don’t know how y’all have time to be poly. 😀