American Passive Aggressiveness - What's Behind the Smile?

[@hannofranz7973]

All these aspects explain very well that Americans will have a tough time dealing with Dutch and Germans in particular. They are the complete opposite.

[@TomSUGNET]

There's a lot of regional and personal differences too.

[@spunstricken9065]

My husband is German and I am American with two parents who have spent many years living abroad and being raised in Japan and Europe. I also live in Germany. This is true. I have had to adjust my communication modality with my husband. There were YEARS of me couching my “suggestions” and me getting frustrated.

[@korzinietz2136]

And the whole of Asia.

This is a great video! As someone from Brazil, where people often dislike saying "no," I can really relate. I tend to be straightforward and usually prefer an unpleasant truth to a comforting lie, as it simplifies my life. Over time, I’ve learned to prioritize a person’s actions over their words when trying to understand their intentions, and this approach works well for me. I believe that behaviors and body language are more reliable than spoken words.

[@planeflyer21]

Thank-you. This is interesting. We typically describe your examples as "backhanded comments" around here. I've never really connected them to passive aggressiveness.

[@jannaissa5552]

As a Bielorussian living in US for the last 23 years this is my observation. In the North East of US- so called New England- people in general are more straightforward and on the cold side. No one really cares about anybody. But they are more law obedient, usually keep their word, also go “ by the book “. In California were I moved 2 years ago people are way warmer, way friendlier to each other, also more excepting any foreigners. There is warmth in people that is probably influenced by Mexican culture. On the other hand everyone is relaxed, work will never be done on agreed time, no one cares to be “ by the book”😉🤣that’s my observation. In general, Californians are super nice!!!

[@adriennejones5741]

Very insightful. I would agree with that. Here in Houston, though, it’s the best of both worlds. People are warm, well-manmered, keep their word, and the job gets done! It is a city of engineers, scientists, physicians…and also artists who bring to life a world-class symphony, opera, and dance company. I came here a few years ago from a Middle Atlantic city, which, unfortunately, seems to have its days of glory and influence (also $) behind it. Houston is one of the financial engines of the United States where the motto seems to be: The sky’s the limit. We also have palm trees. 🌴

[@jylbek71]

Agree…one remark tho - there is more to CA than just Mexicans, so I’d use Latin culture warmness.

[@jylbek71]

@@adriennejones5741love your comment! And as somebody who worked in space industry, I’d like point out The sky isn’t the limit! NASA folks would agree, I think :))

[@josephfreedman9422]

I live in Philadelphia. Not just here, but sometimes people say to me, "Oh! let's do this or that!" or "Would you like to . . . sometime?" To me, that is not an invitation. An invitation gives specifics, which can be accepted, rejected, or discussed. I thought that the suggestion that if people respond enthusiastically but without any follow-up, it is a good sign that it was not meant to be discussed further. Thanks!

[@spunstricken9065]

Responding to the backhanded compliment by one upping the passive aggression, “You are so very kind to say so.” Make certain to say it with a bit of a smile in your voice. Means… you know and I know you’re an @**. People are so tiresome. I just avoid all of this, even though I know how to do it. It just feels smarmy to be around people like this, but thank you for your presentation, I enjoy understanding cultures including my own. Being an independent kind of introvert has its advantages. 😊

[@annalockwood3021]

This kind of thing has interested me since I began to realize how seldom people ever truly speak their minds. The phrase “Bless your heart “ can actually be said in ways that are not passive aggressive, but once I learned to check for any unexpected sense of disconnection between someone’s words and their actions, it became pitifully clear that I had spent most of my young life completely missing any sense of nuance around the phrase. Makes me cringe to realize how little I understood about other people’s behavior before then.

[@GrumpyYank26]

Such a great comment! I have had similar late in life realizations. Humbling. Also, it still surprises me that at 64 i am learning as much as when i was much younger.

[@GrumpyYank26]

Also, just because you are not speaking your mind doesnt mean that what is going on in your mind is critical or hostile. In the best sense it can mean clarity about what is ok or not ok about how someone is treating you. It can also mean that you realize someones actions are just not my business or i can’t control them (and to stay quiet-with self respect and compassion for others)

[@michaelhurley3171]

There's lots of regional differences in how direct or passive aggressive we are in the states. In the South they're more polite and in the north east they're more direct. The Midwest and West they're polite as well.

[@alexanderross1979]

The sarcastic backhanded compliment, when an unambiguous insult just doesn't convey enough contempt.

[@secretsofenglish]

Check out my British passive-aggressive video here kzbin.info/www/bejne/r3y8dJdqbqiYoLM

[@LaralittleTV]

Hi Hannah thanks for this video too! I work with Americans and recognise most of the points you were making. However, regardless of a sender being an American or British , I find (and my English husband agrees with tgat) that most emails nowadays start with a very generic phrase. Such as Hope you are well or hope everything is well or hope this email finds you - these are just very soft introductions into conversation, similar to a traditional ‘ how are you?’ before you get to the point in either a face-to-face or telephone conversations. I think it became more common throughout Covid andin a post Covid period. So this is the only point I would disagree with in your video, otherwise very very useful thank you!❤

[@johnpenny41]

I found your 2 videos on passive-aggressive modes of speech very interesting. I'm retired & have recently realised I'm probably autistic. My wife says I am pretty blunt. I wish I'd had your videos much earlier; perhaps I would have been more effective in the various committees I had to endure through my working life.

[@newenglandgreenman]

These observations are all spot on. "Thanks for sharing" often means "You should have kept your mouth shut" or "What you said was really out of place". (US born and raised here.)

[@secretsofenglish]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@TomSUGNET]

It's all about the tone of your voice.🎉

[@aniaa2151]

Thanks for sharing ;) (Polish here so I mean what I say)

[@eleonorabartoli2225]

The "Thanks for sharing" used this way is particularly troubling to me because it shows such poor mental health, no wonder US society is so violent.

[@77klinok]

“Passive aggressive” is a character’s trait, a mix of suppressed anger and fear, or a suppressed negative attitude, and so this is a personal response for a given situation. Most often it manifests in sarcastic remarks and responses, and is easily recognized if personally directed at another individual or just plain sarcastic attitude toward some human phenomena or events.

[@valeriemurray9903]

I admire your astuteness. I understand the British might not like compliments, but please accept mine. When I lived in Malawi and learnt some of the language, Chichewa, there was a phrase I liked. When asked how are you? Muli bwanji, one generally replied, Ndili bwino, I am fine. However one could say, instead, Ndilipo, meaning, I am here. No further explanation required about ones health etc.

[@dancinglatino3967]

Thanks for your insight. My former Canadian mentor has taught me to soften email messages (being fluff) sent to users, trying to be more diplomatic. She recalled her experience of being awkward by sending her email messages straight forward into business matters. Thus, she has advised me to soften my business email messages a bit before sending.

[@secretsofenglish]

Exactly, so it goes like 'hope this finds you well, blah, blah, fluff, blah and more fluff, positivity, then the negative message.

[@vintageblackcat]

This frightens me

[@cassandrahamilton7290]

Starting a phrase with " no offence, but". Or "don't take this personally". Or "do you ever..."

[@adriennejones5741]

Hello! Watching from Houston, Texas 🌵

[@annasaponjyan]

I wonder if the real intention behind this behavior is to avoid making you feel bad, using an indirect approach to encourage you to think more deeply, for example, about the idea you brought up. It’s less about avoiding awkwardness and more about showing empathy toward the person they’re providing their feedback to.

[@klausbrazil]

Whether a society is very hierarchical or not also has a big impact in daily work. Brazil is one of the most hierarchical societies in the world but this trait is covered by a very polite behaviour in daily life. When I worked as an audit manager at Arthur Andersen São Paulo, sometimes the managers were called to participate in what was called "discussion meetings with the directors". As a German, due to my background, I thought that the bosses actually wanted to hear our opinions on the matters and bashed down on them when I thought something was a less than intelligent or well thought through idea. Until one day someone told me to consider that these meetings were not for discussion but for acclamation. In the beginning I also had a strange feeling when I got positive feedback on my work because in Germany thing were as follows: Everything is o.k if nobody comments. In a company with american philosophy, if you have done your work reasonably, feedback starts with "outstanding".

[@silverkitty2503]

That interesting I'm Irish and in ireland we have a history of being ruled by an enemy and having to be very subversive in social interactions with them. So we were always the servant class. In irish appraisals of your work... if nothing is said its praise genuinely. If you have done something wrong ... they will say one positive thing to sweeten the criticism... they will not give an actual criticism.. let us say you are always late in work ..they will not say directly you are late ... stop doing that... but will say something like you listen really well to the team (when the person is average at that) we admire that. Do you think the others in your team are very punctual?? Do you think punctuality is helpful to the office. OR even more often the manager will give a talk to the WHOLE team about punctuality rather than one person. Then the ENTIRE team will pressure the person to be on time. Actually this happens in irish schools a lot ... a teacher will realize one student is talking and instead of saying hey george stop talking she will leacture the entire class about talking or say if the class doesnt stop talking you all get held back today after school. Its rare for punishment to be individual unless you do something really wrong. So often if a manager tells the entire team off ... most people will know that the manager is not talking about them at all and ignore it because its aimed at 'certain people' and if its not you ... you ignore it.

[@oiausdlkasuldhflaksjdhoiausydo]

It's a remnant of Englishness, not Britishness. Scotts and Irish are closer to the rest of Europe but they are looked down by the English for the same reason they look down on the English working class: honesty.

[@smthB4]

Heard of the Welsh?

[@benzell4]

Highly interesting take!

[@lavdejeva9079]

How true! I find English working class most honest and most polite of all. I mean, upper classes seem to be very polite but very deceiving and generally secret show-offs, the middle class I found to be very rude and unpleasant, the working class probably is more practical and best for communications :-D

[@victorvonderkrausse5492]

That's right I can't agree more about Irish,so different from British!

[@Stephen-lx9nm]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Cryarses ,thought ewatities and bog trotter were supposed to be hard 😂

[@EkaterinaBalaban]

It’s very much dependent on the region where an American grew up or their ethnic background. Geographically-based conclusions could lead to misleading results. As a Russian-born and raised and living in American Mid-West, I have a hard time navigating around Southern “politeness.” Directness in this part of the United States can backfire if you speak with people who have not travelled outside or internationally to compare different communication styles.

[@margaretcampbell2681]

Americans can be direct.

[@silverkitty2503]

Also another thing to mention ignoring people is EXTREMELY passive agressive and is the HALLMARK of western customer service techniques .. block ignore etc. You have to learn its not personal. But its so annoying lots of businesses do it. And so people do it too. Even teachers in college if you have questions sometimes.

[@Zi_gemi8222]

True

[@bob___]

As an American, I would say that that American smile referred to in the title of the video can be equivalent to the stiff upper lip. But it can also, on one hand, signal genuine warmth or, on the other hand, signal deception. (I'm told that, among Navajos, in certain contexts, a smile may symbolize the mythological trickster, so smiling in business situations would not engender trust in that context.)

[@nekakitie4365]

When I say I will get back to you, that is what it is. I will surely get back to you. I have had experience when I used this sentence in many occasions, the receiver felt i was dismissing their request. What I surely mean at that time is I cannot commit then let you down let. I will surely get to let the person know whether I can do it or not.

[@Zi_gemi8222]

Please, make more videos on this topic. As a non-native, I'd like to learn more.

[@berguzarkorel5350]

I moved from Bulgaria to North America many years ago I wish I had this video then, now I am an expert in handling these situations in fact I think I have surpassed the natives in that respect

[@blueandpurplesky2867]

Thank you so much! I am laughing right now with my self, I just recognised, I always start my emails with fluffy stuff whenever I have something to complain about or I am simply mad at the person 😂

[@josemello649]

Excellent tips. Thank you very much!

[@nekakitie4365]

Hello Hannah am very reluctant to say that its good that you are doing this i have some experiences. I am an African and where I come from whatever we say we mean it. For instant if I deeply appreciate what you do, I will over compliment. It mans I am very satisfied with what you have done. Like what you said it’s contextual. in my culture when we use this statements will mean what we say. But saying them to a British, they interpret it from their perspective instead of my perpective as the speaker. there by interpreting it as passive aggression. Since I notice these behaviours It does not bother me, say what I what is appropriate its left for the receiver to communicate honestly

[@jylbek71]

Hi Hanna, can you please make video about bragging (blowing your own whistles)? Coming from Asian culture, where bragging is frown upon (except I feel in India), I find it very confusing here in US. There are subtle ways of highlighting your achievements without overdoing and looking like bragging I’m sure, and would love to hear some tips on nuances. Thank you!

[@anonmon6236]

Happens in other Countries, like China, India , Latin America as a Native English

[@77klinok]

American culture is a blend of various people’s cultures, and there is no “one fits all” behavior or set responses, and that includes a “corporate culture” that everyone hates, yet most follow and obey.

[@curiousintellect6874]

Spot on. This passive aggression is like they inherited this trait from the devil himself

[@GrumpyYank26]

Or from the brits!

[@reflex-learner]

American living in Britain. The most common comment I receive here is how much I don’t seem very American. Sometimes in gest they ask me, What part of Canada are you from? Common British back handed compliments.

[@zinrainder]

this is a great topic to bring up thank you for talking about it directly! :) i suspect it is rather universal across many cultures, just because of what you mention several times, the emotion involved. people are often averse to confrontation or "negativity" and this translates into all the indirect or non-verbal communications you list (all hilarious to me btw, lol!) one of my favorite books on non verbal communication is "how we talk" by nj enfield. cheers!

[@tombryant52jumpscoach]

So this video is for non-native English language communicators. I am a curious American looking to see if a colleague's text to me could be considered passive-aggressive.

[@girardedward]

8:41 When an American woman says they are "fine" they are not fine! 😅 It is code for there is a problem that needs to be fixed As Soon As Possible.

[@GrumpyYank26]

As opposed to american men?? I’m not convinced there is a gender divide here.

[@spankhouz6466]

I always confront my team leaders in a middle of office in front of everyone as I hate two faced people.

[@TheBluesman511]

People who talk one thing, doing second thing and think third thing a call three faced persons. 😂

[@monikel]

I know for sure they hate you with passion. Good job! Keep going!

[@victorvonderkrausse5492]

Can you make a video british vs german culture ???

[@blueandpurplesky2867]

Oh yes please!

[@vadimosmolovski4151]

Thanks for the tips.

[@jesus2621]

i like being pasive agresive, is like being agresive but pasive

[@alexanderross1979]

Though not always used for passive aggressive purposes, the use of "no offence, but...." in any conversation just should be banned.

[@KINGCABA-if4nk]

Great video can you do a video merging british and America passive aggressive language or phrases. Comparing them to see the differentiation and similarity.

[@vanmust]

A simple rule is just to keep calling the other person with the wrong name indicating complete indifference

[@nekakitie4365]

could do a video on how to communicate the use of this sentences or statements to a British or American as a non native that mean the statements and use them without an intention to be passively aggressive but uses it in the context There is a lady aggressively making an incorrect claim while she was in the wrong. I tried to explain to her. She became more aggressive. So I said I agree with you, saying that she calmed down and gave me audience. I did not intend to be passively aggressive to her. I used it, so that we can hear and listen to each other.

[@silverkitty2503]

I dont find american passiven aggressiveness subtle at all... its right in your face .. im irish tho...and irish passive aggressivness is very sutble. Also you dont invite irish people anywhere unless you want them to turn up .. which i find americans can't do ... they need to invite or pretend invite out of politeness and even MAKE others turn up to group events out of politeness when its a bit inappropriate .. but i get its just polite in the usa to invite people to group events to make them seem welcome.

[@judemorales4U]

Haha, I make fake agreements frequently. American. But if there is a time and date set and I say "yes", I will be there and on time. Always.

[@TheQUBANQT]

Spot on.

[@melvinp1324]

If I was in the street and I saw you I would be thinking oh she is beautiful but I wouldn’t have the guts to say it what behaviour is that

[@Anqhgjfhcvuywzxqu]

10:14 that should be termed outright dishonesty than a communication trick. But when the whole thing is dishonest then certainly its an Ace trick

[@MichaelDembinski]

The concept of "passive aggressive" is a new phenomenon; these two words brought together in this way with this meaning only really took off in the late 1990s. It is, I believe, a concomitant of political correctness - decades of training in management skills, customer service and business communications, what you're not allowed to say any more - and so passive aggressive was born.

[@r.daillee1034]

The description you're struggling with is correctly known as 'euphemism.' An obscure writer named William Shakespeare seems to have escaped your notice. Covert verbal attacks weren't created circa the 1990s, someone merely put a name to them. Nonetheless, I'm thoroughly impressed that you're able to use a polysyllabic word correctly. Bless your heart.

[@GrumpyYank26]

@@r.daillee1034 ♥️ love it. ‘Bless your heart’ = the best of pure snark from the southern states of usa I’m thinking!

[@JT1358]

​@@r.daillee1034 That's a bit patronising.

[@victorvonderkrausse5492]

Is true , reality is that is a lot of hipocrisy in business world !

[@cassandrahamilton7290]

"Excuse me, have we met before?" Means you are being way too familiar with me, but I will pretend that perhaps we have met and I don't remember.

[@mahsamohem3175]

This behaviour is a pathologic behaviour which makes communication especially in workplaces, universities, and colleges really hard for non native citizens.

[@paxwallace8324]

A Brunette with blue eyes pretty rare and beautiful. You must be complimented about this quite often even in ol blighty. If I'm fooled by coloured contacts well it's still a compelling look.

[@irishboer7124]

That's not really ok to say in English culture. Lol

[@korzinietz2136]

Watching from US but an Asian.

[@olga_lc]

I really don't like this type of communication when it comes to remote work in a team of people you haven't met in person. Sarcasm if fine, but inability to say "no" and disagree directly creates kinda unhealthy environment

[@philipadam7870]

America is a big country, every state is like a different country, to generalise equates to misinformation. This California native knows…

[@secretsofenglish]

As stated in the video, it's general and not every American.

[@paxwallace8324]

Yeah solution driven requires that one can see a problem as somthing that can be corrected; often easily, as opposed to an existential flaw intrinsic to some individual. Make wrong is toxic and should be banished from the workplace. Whats more when and if reasonanable people are treated with respect and know they can be trusted partners in the success of the enterprise and acknowledged as such... pretty soon you might have a happy crack team.

[@werthersoriginal]

Wait until the non-natives learn about meta-sarcasm. Muahahaha

[@Julie-hf4ch]

I am interested in the Business English private taught course. Would you please share your work email to contact you for further enquiries? thanks.

[@margaretcampbell2681]

Thanks for sharing ….yes means …that’s pretty crap.i don’t like you.

[@gofiodetrigo8756]

lot of hours of practice

[@Stephen-lx9nm]

Because they are thecworlds lost people 😂

[@marclopez9492]

US people or like you call them “Americans”, in my experience, will never tell you things directly but will speak on your back without mercy. Backstabbing is natural in their environment, which will do to foreign and among them. I will never understand that. I liked your video.

[@jamesstewart7224]

Introvert/extrovert 🤔 could you pick this apart please im all ears. Thanks