An Alarming Crime Scene In New England | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 33

[@PaleGhost69]

People are stealing toilet paper from the hoarders. Not all heroes wear capes.

[@tmseh]

Tee pee for their bung holes.

[@PaleGhost69]

@@tmseh I saw a person on the scene was asking people if they were threatening him.

[@zekest]

thank you for all the comments

[@grantlauzon5237]

Some heroes have it stuck to the bottom of their shoe.

[@eruno_]

Toilet paper redistribution when

[@rodgerbroadway2195]

I miss the ONN videos...bring them back

[@Jessie_Helms]

Rodger Broadway I miss them too...

[@imperatorcaesardivifiliusa2158]

Rodger Broadway give them your money then

[@thisisallthereis]

I get all my news from the Onion.

[@bryanmcdonnell5529]

Hey, The Onion, how do I know I'm not a cop?

[@RetepAdam]

If you’re a cop, you have to tell you.

[@dilibau]

Simples: you *DON'T*.

[@tmseh]

4 dislikes from "New England Police" as of 7:55 pm, 3/13/20. Dunkin' Donuts Police were late to the scene but excused due to their supplying plenty of coffee and a nice selection of donuts, apple fritters and munchkins.

[@Gredddfe]

That whole segment about teens was rather awkward with my young teenage son in the room.

[@bravebrothersul960]

I guess the better help ad was real...

[@BAGELMENSK]

Maybe they're doing it ironically?

[@AR0ACE]

@@BAGELMENSK its hard to tell, they are getting paid for these, but some of the advertizers they choose make me wonder if they're serious

[@itsrobot7339]

"Teens arent as sexually active as they were 10 years ago" Arent teens from the age of 14-20m

[@DeSoulTV]

Yeah they're cooking the numbers

[@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing]

Thinking it ranges from thirTEEN to nineTEEN is so Twenty Nineteen.

[@itsrobot7339]

@@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing shut

[@electrokinesis_9729]

Yeah 22, no experience with that. Get shakes and freeze up with female contact, can't stop it. 😭

[@WindFireAllThatKindOfThing]

@@itsrobot7339 butt

[@allertonoff4]

I like to know what is going on in the world.

[@hps362]

Building up my sexual power meter, I'm gonna hit my limit break in a few years, don't interrupt me I'm gonna blow like Krakatoa.

[@chadsmith8146]

Its gonna be like a cum bomb went off

[@MsQueenOfDance]

You know it's so good to hear the people working behind the scenes are getting the credit they deserve

[@FullVyper]

no maine accents 0/10 "ayuh those weh fiyah fitahs" can't believe i cant trust the news :'(

[@RevanHorner]

Just what I need. A mundane horror.

[@thisisallthereis]

That's a lot of different types of cops.

[@BigSlickNuts2]

If you drop a deuce in the shape of a horseshoe, does that mean that it's lucky?

[@dontspikemydrink9382]

Only if you consume it to infuse your cells with luck.

[@phantom-joke]

Finally, some good fucking news

[@stizanley3987]

So glad the Onion is back

[@Lazy_eye_blobFish]

5:43 so the onion is promoting a scam service that was proven to be a scam 2 years ago? Fuck that shit.

[@larrytownley2231]

Just a slow day for law enforcement!!!

[@Jagerbomber]

Like totally.

[@jackpot8072]

Did they just say their entire scripts in one breath?

[@TheOtakuPrince]

They have sex once a month. Wow thats way too frequent. Its been years since I have one.

[@dontspikemydrink9382]

I have had sex all my life.

[@luisostasuc8135]

Being male or female means having a sex, not having sexual relations

[@SaudiPrinceOfBelAir]

What happened to the old onion news???

[@cocopots]

He really wants to burn the place to the ground huh?

[@idahopotato9382]

Sounds just like the news

[@scott8919]

Half the video is ads. Seriously?

[@siti_n_i]

better help? lol idk if dis real or not

[@spiritmayo]

Second!

[@rouge5140]

you're fifth

[@Geidi174]

Don't do this shit bruh

[@joshkropik]

first?

[@rouge5140]

nope, you're fourth.

[@marleyherndon6119]

First

[@rouge5140]

wrong, you're second.

[@russellpuff1996]

Fisrt!

[@rouge5140]

wrong, you're third

[@ilikecats1562]

first

[@stphnmrrs3982]

Read another book