In this clip, Glendale Mayor Mike Dunafon admits that he loves jokes and then tells one about an Irishman that had a unique drinking tradition.
Пікірлер: 2 400
@kclark60902 жыл бұрын
An Irishman is walking along the beach at sunset. He looks ahead and sees a piece of metal sticking out of the sand glimmering in the sunlight. He digs it up, and to his surprise it is a magic lamp. "No way," he says. So he rubs it and sure enough, out pops the Genie of the Lamp!! The Genie tells him, "I will grant you three wishes, any three wishes you want." The Irishman thinks long and hard about this. He doesn't want to waste a wish. So finally he says, "I want a tall cold glass of Guinness that never goes dry." The Genie says,, "Your wish is my command!" And poof a tall cold glass of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand. He says, "Wow, this is great!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "Unbelievable!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "This is amazing!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "I can't believe this!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. By now the Genie is getting a little impatient, "What do you want for your other two wishes?" The Irishman points to his glass and replies, "I want two more of these!"
@alansimpson5963 жыл бұрын
As an Irishman who lives in Ireland I have to tell you the story of a man from Dublin who decided he had spent too much time in the city and needed to explore the open countryside a bit more. He got into his car and after about thirty miles or so he came upon a very picturesque village and decided to have a walk about. To his surprise he saw a funeral hearse approach with a very grim faced man walking behind it with a big Irish wolfhound on a leash. And behind that he saw six men walking in a single file. The Dublin visitor approached the man with the wolfhound and asked who the deceased was. He replied "it's my wife" to which the visitor replied how she had died? The chief mourner answered that she had been mauled to death by the wolfhound. The visitor then asked if he could buy the wolfhound to which the chief mourner replied "join the queue"
@derikuk29676 ай бұрын
Hey, some of my relatives are Irish women... but I reside in another country.
@theresaotoole91416 ай бұрын
Old David Allen Joke, is all ..
@leinie66833 жыл бұрын
An Irishman who was running late for giving away his daughter- Prays- Lord if you'd find it in your mercy to have a parking spot for me near the church- Ill give up drinkin, and just as he says it, a car backs out of a parking spot right near the front door. The irishman says- Nevermind Lord, I found one !
@Brandonthebeastsolis3 жыл бұрын
Lmaoooooo I bursted in tears!!! Good one!!!
@sweetcaroline20603 жыл бұрын
Lol!
@michaelerileym5482 жыл бұрын
That happened to me once myself
@davidhicks23702 жыл бұрын
U
@jameshadfield56242 жыл бұрын
that was great! and evidence that drinking and praying might not be mixed
@garethlewis37433 жыл бұрын
I’ll never forget my fathers last words, he said “son will you stop messing around and hold that ladder steady”.
@MrVortexRider3 жыл бұрын
I remember my grandfather's last words on his deathbed. He said :That's NOT the light switch.".
@Ben-lr2vz3 жыл бұрын
My fathers last words were " be careful son, that gun is loaded".
@chefduane37423 жыл бұрын
Ah yes, I remember my Grandfather's last words... We were walking in town one day and he stopped quickly and said "A bus!"
@figjam593 жыл бұрын
My father's were: Mary, put down the knife...
@amosdraak35363 жыл бұрын
You’re all crazy. 🤣🤣🤣
@micatnight20103 жыл бұрын
A newly arrived inmate is confused on his first day in prison when he hears another inmate call out "Number 25!", which is then followed by laughter and chuckles from around the cellblock. A while later another inmate calls out, "Number 12!", again followed by laughter. This goes on throughout the day with various numbers being called out followed by snickers and guffaws. Finally he asks his cellmate, "What's with everyone laughing at numbers?" "They're jokes", says his roomie. "We assigned numbers to them so we don't have to recite them word for word. It's easier that way." Eventually the newcomer learns which numbers are for which jokes and then tries it out himself. "Number 32!", he yells out. No response. He makes another attempt, "Number 13!", followed again by silence. "What gives?" he asks the cellmate. "Oh well", he's told, "you know how it is, some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
@leinie66833 жыл бұрын
Shamus said to Patrick- " When I die, I want ye to pour a qurt o the finest Irish whiskey O'er me grave" to which Patrick replied-" Do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first ?"
@greasycock4553 жыл бұрын
boom.
@franksnyder13573 жыл бұрын
I don't drink any more. But I don't drink any less.
@greasycock4553 жыл бұрын
for got the,,,Anser,, Question. 😎😎😎😎😎. really. 😁😊@@franksnyder1357
@TheJakobolrik3 жыл бұрын
I can't stop laughing... Hahahaha 🤣😂🤣
@mariamoore56763 жыл бұрын
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@coldcomfortfarm85573 жыл бұрын
Two unemployed Irishmen looking in the local Job Centre window - an ad. says - Tree fellers wanted - Paddy says to Mick - 'ah tis a shame there's only two of us'.
@hughjaanus66802 жыл бұрын
How to confuse an Irishman (I'm Irish BTW) put three shovels in a corner, tell him to take his pick.
@Aerojet012 жыл бұрын
Paddy gets a job working for a lumberjack. On his first day, the foreman says to Paddy "when that tree begins to fall, shout TIMBER to warn anyone walking past. I don't want any accidents". The foreman gets out his chainsaw and starts cutting down the tree. The tree starts to fall and when it hits the ground, Paddy yells "TIMBER". The foreman looks down and sees dead bodies underneath the tree. The Foreman goes nuts "I thought I told you to shout timber when the tree was about to fall". Paddy points to the bodies and says " I thought you meant those TREE ".
@willhqAUS3 жыл бұрын
The CEO's of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness were having their annual get together. They were sitting in the ancient and cavernous boardroom of the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. As they sat down at the old table made from ancient barrel staves a waiter appeared and asked them what they would like to drink. The CEO of Coors said: "I'll have a pint of Coors please... the world's most refreshing beer!" The CEO of Budweiser said: "I'll have a pint of Bud... the king of beers!" The CEO of Guinness: "I'll have a glass of water please." Astonished, the other two looked at him and asked why he was not going to have a pint of Guinness... and his reply was: "Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."
@jackdreamvan18063 жыл бұрын
Damn, I'm busting a gut here
@notsure12773 жыл бұрын
Very well said.
@tonypajamaz70792 жыл бұрын
I like it
@Truffle_Pup Жыл бұрын
Reminds me of the lad who got locked inside the Budweiser factory over the bank holiday weekend. When they finally found the fella on Tuesday morning he was barely alive and drinking his piss out of his own shoe.
@johnmcallister6234 жыл бұрын
My father ,may the lord rest him drank a half bottle of whiskey every day for as long as I can remember ,when he died we had him cremated , it took 3 days to put the fire out .
@walter7704 жыл бұрын
oh shit thats funny
@juliobaylac30024 жыл бұрын
😂😂😂
@Sommerchan4 жыл бұрын
That's hilarious. I have all Dave Allen at large shows
@sherimcdaniel34914 жыл бұрын
ROFLMAO!!!!! I may not be able to wipe the grin off my face for 3 days!!!! Wow! Excellent!
@roccoconte29604 жыл бұрын
Too funny , nothing like a good irish joke.
@johnvender3 жыл бұрын
I love that. One of my favourites is a tourist in Ireland asks a local for directions to somewhere. The local thinks about it for a moment and says "Well I wouldn't start from here".
@aclark9032 жыл бұрын
A man in a Rolls Royce stops and asks a gypsy peddler -Is this the best way to #Dublin? Gyspy scratches his head, & says It's a darn sight better than walking to be sure ..
@kl0an3 жыл бұрын
My favorite Irish Joke: Paddy walks into his Local on a Saturday afternoon, sits right up at the bar in his usual seat but, he's looking very sad this day. The barkeep says to him "Paddy, what seems to be the problem today, you're looking all forlorn and depressed.." Paddy says "I am just that and if you have a couple of minutes I'll tell you why." The barkeep says "For my most loyal of customers, I'm all ears." So Paddy looks out the back window of the pub and points to a boatdock out on the lake and says "Do ye see that boatdock? I built that dock with me own hands.. Cut down the trees with me favorite axe, planed the wood to a smooth finish, even made my own nails to hold it all together.." The bartender says "Aye Paddy, I've seen that boat dock in the worst storms we've had and it's strong as an ox.." and Paddy says "Aye, but, do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the dock builder?".. "No Paddy, I can't say that I have." and paddy points out through the window that overlooks the road and says.. "Do ye see that stone wall out there?? I built that wall with me own hands, dug up every stone, cut them with my chisel so they would hold in place, never used a drop of mortar." and the barkeep says "Aye Paddy, I saw a car run right into that wall winter last and it totaled the car but, didn't knock any stones out of place.. A fine wall it is." and Paddy says "Aye, but do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the Stone Mason.? and the bartender says "No Paddy, I can't say that I have.." and Paddy says "Ahh but, ye bugger one sheep.."
@billturner44273 жыл бұрын
That is funny
@eamonbrennan64433 жыл бұрын
First good joke.
@isobelbrown45642 жыл бұрын
It’s the way you tell them.
@feidhlimidhmacanaltha36442 жыл бұрын
That's a Welsh Joke.
@davidjeffreys90633 жыл бұрын
Irish fella in the pub, his mobile phone rang, he answered it and said "How did you know i was here"?
@ronaldmcphilliamy43003 жыл бұрын
!
@theeaskey4 жыл бұрын
One fella walked into a pub, sat beside his drinking buddy and said " my wife is driving me to drink," his buddy said why are you complaining " I have to walk here.
@theeaskey4 жыл бұрын
English .Irish Scots man had to share a bed...bored ,they couldn't sleep..English guy suggests they play a game of soccer. Each fart would be a goal...English guy farts..that's a goal for England he shouts..scots man let's one go..goal for Scotland he shouts...Irish guy is trying his best, so hard he shits the bed. Half time he shouts...change over.
@normangrandy89043 жыл бұрын
Lolol
@burpostockings3 жыл бұрын
@@theeaskey lmao
@mariamoore56763 жыл бұрын
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@marilynknepper19533 жыл бұрын
An Irish man walks into a pub. Orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. He drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round, drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round. The bartender says " Why you pouring the shot in your shirt pocket?" The Irish man says " Don't mess with me ! " A mouse pops out of his shirt pocket and says " That goes for your DAM CAT TOO ! "
@tubhair4 жыл бұрын
An Irishman, an Italian and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Is this a joke?”
@mezzeta4 жыл бұрын
A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walked into a bar. I might be a typo said the Rabbit.
@fuddrucker744 жыл бұрын
@@mezzeta haha. That's great
@RodFleming-World3 жыл бұрын
Three men walked into a bar. You'd have thought the second two would have ducked
@_Common_Logic_3 жыл бұрын
@@fuddrucker74 It would be funnier if they waked into a blood-bank... "Type-O" ;-)
@18deadmonkeys4 жыл бұрын
I met my wife when she was a whiskey maker in Dublin. I love her still.
@RodFleming-World3 жыл бұрын
Ouch. Just ouch
@sykwookiee3 жыл бұрын
We love 'er still too!
@e.o94703 жыл бұрын
I bet that’s because she’s still giving you the good whiskey!
@moreygloss92483 жыл бұрын
Mine was a real estate developer - I loved her lots.
@sykwookiee3 жыл бұрын
@@moreygloss9248 mine was a racecar driver and she did give some good laps...
@eddaeges93093 жыл бұрын
Two old Irishmen Patrick and Michael were sitting on a park bench one day. Patrick looked at Michael and said, Michael, I don't how much longer I'm going to be around this beautiful earth and I was wondering if you would do me a bit of a favor. Michael said "I'd more than obliged to". Patrick said " When I pass away, I want you go and buy a goood bottle of Irish whiskey, and poor it over me grave. Would you do that for me ? Michael said " I'd be more than obliged, But would you mind if it passed through me kidneys first ? !!!!!!!!
@anthonycox51154 жыл бұрын
I love the Irish. They have such a talent for self depreciating humour. Long may it continue.
@kimberlyrogers99538 ай бұрын
(Deprecating) Sorry I can’t help it
@kimberlyrogers99538 ай бұрын
But wonderful that you even know how to use it properly ohhh yesss ! It’s becoming rare, Anthony Right on
@liamholcroft72123 жыл бұрын
Two irish lads, Mick and Paddy, applying for a job at the local church for undertakers. The priest interviews Mick first and asks him "do ye have a spade"?. "Right here father" replies Mick holding up his spade. "good"! says the priest and he asks him his second question "Mick if you're a man of God, you'll be able to tell me the first man and woman on earth". "that'd be Adam and Eve" replies Mick. "fantastic, Youve got the job"! says the priest. Mick leaves the room to call paddy in for his interview. A nervous Paddy asks Mick "what were the questions". " he asked who the first man and woman on earth were" says Mick. "I'll never remember that"! shouts Paddy. Mick tries to calm him down and says "I'll write it on the side of yer shovel". The preist calls Paddy in and asks him, "Do you know who the fist man and woman on earth were"? Paddy sneaks a quick look at the side of his spade before telling him... "that's easy.... Spear and Jackson!"
@RA1DERASSASS1N3 жыл бұрын
"Pubs, the official sunblock in Ireland!"
@stew46563 жыл бұрын
I was once covered in SBC 400. She damn near smothered me.
@localcrew4 жыл бұрын
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
@tmee15124 жыл бұрын
What is Irish foreplay? "Brace yerself Bridget"!
@MartinFluteCompany4 жыл бұрын
Formaldehyde is almost pure alcohol....
@williamlillibridge60554 жыл бұрын
Localcrew Man, Now that's fucking funny! You should be making the Video!😂😂😂
@eduardsusai5594 жыл бұрын
🤣
@michaelrhoades15923 жыл бұрын
An Irish man takes his giraffe to the pub, as soon as they get there the giraffe needs a little nap and lies down. The bartender comes over and asks “ what’s that layin there”? The Irish man says “ that’s not a lion, it’s me giraffe!”
@bobfitzgibbon68224 жыл бұрын
Like you, I grew up in an Irish family with roots in this country to 1850. My father was a Trollyman and later a bus driver in CT. To make a long story short, after working for 48 years he retired and in his retirement never heard from any of his Irish friends and work mates. Well, in 1967 he passed away. The wake was held at an Irish funeral home in Hartford CT. When we arrived it was valet parking only and we figured that a very important person must have died as well. We were shocked to see that all of these people were there for my father. One by one the filed by our family with words like, a finer man never lived, Edward was the salt of the Earth, Edward will be missed by so many etc. Well after about 10 minutes of these glowing praises, my mother leaned over and whispered to me, "Go and see if that's your father in that box."
@gregschultz20294 жыл бұрын
Bob Fitzgibbon ,You Irish Are Really ,Really Funny ,Who The Hell Is In That Pine Box ???
@emncaity4 жыл бұрын
gas
@leolehder70434 жыл бұрын
Good one.
@cosmicdogdancer5 жыл бұрын
I remember my old dad, who was a true Irish man from Kerry, falling down the stairs with a whole crate of Guinness and never spilled a drop. He kept his mouth shut.
@giorgio71595 жыл бұрын
ñ
@lippa21054 жыл бұрын
That’s a true Irishman right there, falling down with Guinness and not spilling a drop. 👍
@BRAT11104 жыл бұрын
AJ Smith the joke is he had drank it
@moondoggarvey42824 жыл бұрын
At least I got one funny joke outta this clip.
@johnnysuschnik86284 жыл бұрын
Hahaha hahaha
@4ofakind14 жыл бұрын
An Irish man walked out of a bar, no seriously, it can happen
@donday31274 жыл бұрын
Yes it can ....they walk in an crawl out
@kevinkress71564 жыл бұрын
Lmao
@sherimcdaniel34914 жыл бұрын
Was he still breathing? I thought maybe that was why he’d left. (wink, nudge)
@delcodawg3 жыл бұрын
I prefer the version “ An Irishman walked past a bar”.
@liambyrne67443 жыл бұрын
Message from an Irishman ; Fuck off, you racist prick.
@freemindthinkerezrapound50714 жыл бұрын
Cop pulls over Irish driver and asks him Can he identifie himself, the driver looks in his mirror and says yes officer that's definitely me
@briandoyle61883 жыл бұрын
☺️🤗🤗😆😆😚😚😁
@amosdraak35363 жыл бұрын
🤣
@jackdreamvan18063 жыл бұрын
😅😂🤣
@ventudeca3 жыл бұрын
haahhaahha. That's funny!
@hughjaanus66802 жыл бұрын
That's hilarious, Americans say "idennify" and you write "identifie". Not identify.
@asmith37756 жыл бұрын
An Irishman had an accident in a major city. He ran into the rear of the car in front of him. While he waited for the police, he decided to take a sip out of his flask. When the cops arrived they opened his car door and he fell right out onto the street. One officer looked at him and said, “Why are you driving in this condition?”. He responded with, “Well, I was too drunk to walk”.
@anthonywhelan54195 жыл бұрын
My Irish Catholic father from Dublin was a teatotaler. It may sound like an oxymoron but he was one. I asked him before he died why he wouldn't drink despite the reputation of Irish Catholics being heavy drinkers. He and his brothers heard Matthew Talbot give his life testimony as an alcoholic in Dublin. Dad and his two brothers took a temperance pledges as young men and kept their promise not to touch alcohol until their dying days. Alcohol is the curse of the Irish. They can't hold their liquor. But then, who can?
@stevelewis72632 жыл бұрын
Paddy and Seamus were walking down a country lane when Paddy spots two sticks of dynamite on the floor, he picks them up and puts them in his pocket, and he says to Seamus " I'll hand these into the police".. Seamus says " But what if one goes off".. Paddy says " Then I'll tell them I only found ONE stick"
@richardcooke93643 жыл бұрын
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy asks “I haven’t seen Shawn lately, have you? Mike replies, “Shawn saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry’. So he went!”
@richardcooke93643 жыл бұрын
So he went!”
@robshearing21313 жыл бұрын
@@richardcooke9364 i dont understand the joke, i think it is wet fish van
@gtsteele62193 жыл бұрын
fargin" hilarious!
@professornuke75623 жыл бұрын
Brendan Behan actually said that.
@jackdreamvan18063 жыл бұрын
Lmao rotf
@scotth50902 жыл бұрын
Best joke I've heard in some years, brought a tear to the eyes. Well done Sir!
@kidwave13 жыл бұрын
Guy goes into the pub, sits up at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there he sees a giant glass jar filled with cash. So he asks the bartender "Wow, is that your tip jar?" The bartender replies "oh no, thats the jar for the contest." "what contest is that" the man asks. "Its $20 to try but, whoever completes the 3 tasks gets to keep all the money in the jar." "Well what are the 3 tasks?" he asks. "Task 1 is, ...see that great big guy at the end of the bar, ...you have to go down there and knock him out with 1 punch. Task 2 is, ...we have this mean old Rottweiler out back with a bad tooth, you have to go out there and pull his tooth out. And Task 3 is, ...we have this 90 year old woman who lives up stairs, who hasnt been fIIcked in 20 years, and you have to go up there and give it to her real hard." So the man says "Ok, I'll give it a try" So he puts a $20 bill in the jar and walks down to the end of the bar and winds up and sucker punches the big guy right off the stool and out cold. Then he walks behind the bar and out the back door, and the bartender hears a snarling, vicious, horrifying, ruckus from outside and a few minutes later the guy walks in completely disheveled, shirt torn, bloodied and scratched up, and says "Alright so wheres this old lady that needs her tooth pulled?!"
@amosdraak35363 жыл бұрын
Nice. 👌👌
@robertmayer14973 жыл бұрын
Well spoken!
@judypurcell46193 жыл бұрын
.
@c.a.conner34913 жыл бұрын
I hope he pulled out in time...
@alexanderheilman25263 жыл бұрын
I’ve heard one similar, thought this was it when first started reading it. It ends, with the bartender making high bets with all of em, dog not included, that he could get the guy to go through with the tasks.
@koytoy26564 жыл бұрын
Sean goes to confession and tells Fr O'Neill that he cursed on the golf course. Fr says 'tell me what happened'. Sean says "Me drive was heading into the woods', Ah said the priest, that's the time to curse. No,no said Sean. The ball hit a tree and bounced onto the fairway, a beautiful lie. "Tell me more' said the priest. My second shot, to the green dropped into the stream of water. Ah, said the priest. That's the time to curse, when your ball goes into the water. No,no said Sean "the ball bounced on a rock and flew up onto the green rolling and rolling then stopping just 6 inches from the hole Father. Six inches!! Priest said "don't tell me you missed the fooking putt"!
@JohnnyJazzFreak2 жыл бұрын
Guy goes to confession. The priest says: "And what is your confession, my child?" The guy sputters out: "Father...uh. Father, I...I rode a girl from Cork.". The priest quips: "Well, my child, -'tis better than walking."
@meee68365 жыл бұрын
Thanks to Mike loved that joke and to all you who had the jokes in the comment section I am now wiping my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you to you all you have made my day lol.
@feellucky2714 жыл бұрын
When I die,I want to go like me Grand da.In me sleep Not the other people in his car cryin' and screaming for their lives.
@themaniacfarmer3 жыл бұрын
That's good! That's very good
@ronws20073 жыл бұрын
Mine is a bit risque. True story. My mother's father immigrated to America from Germany. My father's family was of english, irish, and scottish ancestry. One day, driving around and shopping, my wife was looking at a catalog called Cash's of Ireland. Knick-knacks, jewelry, assorted stuff that give tribute to Ireland. She is of purely german ancestry. She said, "I wish I had some irish in me." In my best irish accent, I replied, "Aye, lass, do you want some, then?" She punched me in the arm and I knew my work was done.
@macanoodough4 жыл бұрын
In an Irish grade school little Patty was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Patty says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' ".
@simonpowell25594 жыл бұрын
Teacher " give me an example of fascinate." I have a donkey jacket I really think it's great. It's got nine buttons But I can only fascinate.
@mikeramage10494 жыл бұрын
Lmfao.
@jerryrudesill82644 жыл бұрын
Simon Powell o
@billmccoy7623 жыл бұрын
Simon Powell g
@wayaheaddublin83083 жыл бұрын
Never heard of anybody called "Patty" in Ireland. Probably an americanism !!!!
@briquetaverne4 жыл бұрын
No good joke ever started with... "Two guys are at a salad bar"..
@johnbroadley20644 жыл бұрын
Two guys are at a salad bar, the first man turns to the second and says " Not a hope in hell will you get drunk here. My glass has a leak in it"
@mensenvandekempen10193 жыл бұрын
Haha dudes! 🤣😂
@kanibist83303 жыл бұрын
@@johnbroadley2064 Don't quit your day job.
@RodFleming-World3 жыл бұрын
...eating sushi
@junipersnow13 жыл бұрын
What do you call two lesbians hiding in Salad bar storage cabinet?... ... a Liquor (licker) Cabinet
@jamesmchugh22274 жыл бұрын
Cop pulls an Irish man over , he asks, have you been drinking today, the Irish man answer's yes I had 12 whiskeys! The cop says would you take a breathalyzer? The Irish man says What you don't believe me !
@p.j.47382 жыл бұрын
Now that's a good one!
@PenelopePitstop0692 жыл бұрын
Got pulled over, cop asks "you drinking". I asked "you buying?" We laughed and laughed....I need bail money.
@PSUK4 жыл бұрын
An English man walks into a bar in Dublin. He steps up to an old fella in the bar and says “which is the quickest way to Cork?” The old fella says, “have you got a car or are you on foot?” Englishman says, “I’ve got a car”. They old Irishman says, “well that will be the quickest way”.
@briandoyle61883 жыл бұрын
Brilliant 🤗😃🤗🤗🤗
@51WCDodge3 жыл бұрын
Or the other very Irish reply 'How do I get to Cork? Well, ya know . I'd not start from here'.
@PSUK3 жыл бұрын
@@51WCDodge 👏quality!
@burpostockings3 жыл бұрын
Haha :)
@michaelpower43722 жыл бұрын
A person looking for directions asked a another person. How do you get to Galway from here. The other person replyed usually by Bus.
@jeffreyarnold26267 жыл бұрын
i being a half irishman, can laugh at myself half of the time, an i'm an ass the other half of the time, but mostly i'm nearly always half assed. God i love a good joke.
@SirAntoniousBlock2 жыл бұрын
My father was a wit, and I'm a half-wit.
@peteacher524 жыл бұрын
Visiting County Kerry seeking a long lost relative, an English couple, themselves now lost near Tralee, negotiate a lengthy driveway through three gates to a home on the hillside to ask directions. Lady answers door all smiles. "Would you know where Maurice O'Reilly lives, please?" "Oh no dear, I'm sorry I don't." So back down the driveway and while closing the last gate, look back to see the farmer's wife waving them back. So up to the house again where the Irish lady announces helpfully, "I've been asking my husband and he doesn't know either!"
@hughjaanus66802 жыл бұрын
The great comedian Brendan Grace would say before the end of the joke........"I'm laughing now, 'cause I know the end of the joke" R.I.P. Brendan, never used vulgar words in his shows.
@romeoalphafoxtrot95173 жыл бұрын
Paddy O' Tool, a worker at the Guinness Brewery knocks on the door of a coworker's (Shamus O' Brian) house. The coworker's wife answers the door. "Hello Paddy." "What are you doing here?" "Where's Shamus?" "I'm afraid there was an accident at the brewery today." "Shamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout Beer and drowned." "Oh Lord!" "That's terrible!" Said the wife. "Please tell me at least he went quickly." "Well, not exactly." "He had to get out 3 times to go pee."
@briandoyle61883 жыл бұрын
Hahahehe haha brilliant now that's a type of joke I remember...🤗☺️☺️😉
@CarolStJohn-ev9ry3 жыл бұрын
Ha!
@nickdannunzio76834 жыл бұрын
An Irishman falls down the steps... as he is tumbling he remembers the pint in his back pocket... upon landing he feels a wetness in his hind area... as he reaches back he says, "I hope that is blood I feel"...
@dississtupid5 жыл бұрын
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb. 10 One to hold the bulb and nine to drink till the room spins.
@51WCDodge5 жыл бұрын
Yep. Fastest game in the World? Pass the parcel in a Irish pub.
@geraldkamp6625 жыл бұрын
stang man how many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? none, we don't mind drinking in the dark😁
@dississtupid5 жыл бұрын
Too true Jed. Thanks for knowing some actual history.
@Mikdeelow5 жыл бұрын
stang man love it! great one!
@peterfitzpatrick70324 жыл бұрын
Actually our lightbulbs are bayonet fitting ... so screw that !! 😂😂😂 😎👍☘️🍺
@michaeldalaigh34844 жыл бұрын
An Irish man Mick,driving home from the pub late at night, well full, gets stopped by the cops (The Guards) The Guard says where are you off to now, he says I'm going to a lecture on the negative effects of drinking, smoking staying out late and not spending quality time with close family members can have on both the the family and the person in question. Oh right says the Guard, and who would be giving such a lecture at this hour of the night says he,, Me wife says Mick as he speeds away...
@toomuch97624 жыл бұрын
Freud said of the Irish 'This [The Irish] is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. '
@lonnieporter85664 жыл бұрын
Mostly because we can see thru the bullshit.
@newnorth11004 жыл бұрын
Pfft you nicked that from the film with Matt Damon. The Departed. 😂. Sigmund Freud did say something like that. But cmon you nicked it from the film. No harm done🍀😊
@toomuch97624 жыл бұрын
Spanish Silver i didnt nick it from a film. Some of us dont rely on films for our education 😂
@bluespig14 жыл бұрын
@@toomuch9762 You'd need a tv for that.
@selectrick665664 жыл бұрын
You're full of it, because Freud never said it. www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/ I guess whoever you did nick it from, nicked it from the movie. Even more lame.
@chrisedward75755 жыл бұрын
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. An fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishmans beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and says, "spit it out you little bastard!
@TheDamageinc815 жыл бұрын
👍☑💯😂
@Squeeky_Shadow5 жыл бұрын
Favorite one so far
@michaelhillman46545 жыл бұрын
LOL!!!!!!!!!!
@niallkcummins10065 жыл бұрын
I’ve seen game of thrones kid nice try
@DownKillerBadDog5 жыл бұрын
Chris Edward game of thrones joke
@66joyces2 жыл бұрын
Why do Irish wakes last for four days? They want to make sure he's dead and not just drunk
@bodainwonderland89172 ай бұрын
Cheers
@michaelmccormack54174 жыл бұрын
We Irish are considered the most liked/likeable people/nation on the Planet. Ireland is arguably the most beautiful geographical entity (country) on said Planet. - A Donegal Lad Abroad.
@leftchicago4 жыл бұрын
Agree 100%! My wife and I, neither of whom are a speck of Irish, went to Ireland for our 30th anniversary. By far the best trip abroad we've ever taken. Lovely people, breathtakingly beautiful, and, despite what we we told, great food! Looking forward to going back with friends soon.
@george-gh8nj4 жыл бұрын
I Take it you never been to Scotland Laddie. and grated you are a grand rce with a beautiful land but as a Jock i biastly say this ach aye Paddy.
@celtbell4 жыл бұрын
@@leftchicago yeah that's a myth about Irish food being shite..its actually very good
@leftchicago4 жыл бұрын
@@celtbell Didn't have a bad meal the whole 10 days. Actually had some exceptional ones.
@sherimcdaniel34914 жыл бұрын
I can’t rebuke that statement/opinion as I’ve never been to Ireland (I consider it a cruel mistake that I wasn’t born there). But I feel it is my duty to emphatically insist the most beautiful geographical “entity” must be the Great Pacific Northwest in Washington state.
@AndrewPawley113 жыл бұрын
Four and a half minutes of my life I won't get back.
@jameshazen74335 жыл бұрын
Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
@AngryHybridApe5 жыл бұрын
James Hazen Thats 👍
@deanmarton97975 жыл бұрын
...The other says : worry not , I can hear the elevator is commin' .
@frankbouts72064 жыл бұрын
fbouts@ruraltel.net
@aximusroh64533 жыл бұрын
bwahahahaha thats gold!
@jameshazen74335 жыл бұрын
Englishman, "why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" Irishman, "who told you that?"
@profpat704 жыл бұрын
"Why shouldn't we!"
@mattinthehat34 жыл бұрын
@@profpat70 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@mattinthehat34 жыл бұрын
🤣🤣🤣
@candid19544 жыл бұрын
Try using that sentiment in a courtroom setting....you may have great success; could it be?
@user-dw2tm3jm5h4 жыл бұрын
@@candid1954 what do you mean by that ?
@IconFly3 жыл бұрын
Two ducks are crossing a street in Dublin. One says to the other, “Quack quack!!” The other one says, “But I’m going as quack as I can!!”
@greasycock4553 жыл бұрын
duck dinner for 2.
@ed72692 жыл бұрын
Change Dublin to Belfast, they say it more like quack than the Dubs,,, better joke
@mead67543 жыл бұрын
Paddy applies for a job in a warehouse and when he goes for the interview hes asked can you drive a forklift, paddy replies no i cant, hes then asked can you make Tea, paddy replies holy fuck how big are the tea bags.
@amosdraak35363 жыл бұрын
😂
@MrBirchmoor333 жыл бұрын
Fan writes to Bob Dylan to ask to meet him backstage after the concert.Gets a curt reply,saying'no you can't'.Unimpressed fan comments'and he can't even spell'.
@bliss97455 жыл бұрын
The best Irish jokes I ever heard were told by Irish people about themselves. Gotta love the Irish :)
@Trondheim464 жыл бұрын
Just Fantastic 🤗..
@jackbrooks46684 жыл бұрын
He. Did. Not. De
@Trondheim464 жыл бұрын
@@jackbrooks4668 ?!?..
@Jay3694 жыл бұрын
Why are Kerry men not allowed hand grenades in the army? Whenever they throw them, the enemy would pull the pin and throw them back.
@Jay3694 жыл бұрын
A woman sees a Kerry man SCUBA diver and asks him why they always jump out of the boat backwards? The Kerry man laughs hysterically and says "Christ if we jumped forwards we'd still be inside the boat".
@profpat704 жыл бұрын
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Vincent's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
@arthurcowie4 жыл бұрын
Pat Ryan g
@davecorkery4 жыл бұрын
Pat Ryan ok, that was funny! Made my day! Thanks
@wizbot4 жыл бұрын
should have been nothing much that fellers been talking to himself in the mirror
@mensenvandekempen10193 жыл бұрын
Ha Pat ! That one made my day! 😂😂
@thefenian66723 жыл бұрын
tis a funny joke, ive seen the comedian you took that from aswel, he is quiet funny.
@scottwynkoop42003 жыл бұрын
I’ve a joke- that is obviously fiction but smacks with a grain of truth- told to me by my Irish father-in-law... an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a local together (right off that’s how you know it’s fictitious) and each order a pint at the exact same time. The publican delivers the three malt beverages at the exact same time, setting them each in front of the three men. At the exact time they are set down, an insect flies into each drink. The Englishman turns his nose in the air and pushes the beer away, demanding of the Barman a new beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it away, and drinks the beer anyway. The Irishman pinches the insect out and shouts at the bug, “Spit it out, that’s my beer!”
@sweetlikechocolate4373 жыл бұрын
That's class...thank for that! 😂
@hughjaanus66802 жыл бұрын
It was the Scotsman, they're mean.
@romainejayne18112 жыл бұрын
True Irish joke...Get out of my Beer! And, you ain't keeping any of it, lol!
@irishterminator.2 жыл бұрын
You messed the ending up because it's the Scotsman that's supposed to be mean not the Irish
@lilthommodt Жыл бұрын
Now, see the version I know, is the Irishman looks at the beer, Shrugs, and starts drinking anyway. The Scotsman pulls the insect out by the wings, gets right in its face and starts swearing it it to spit it out. 🤣
@briankearn39654 жыл бұрын
An Irishmen, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey, is this a joke?"
@1t_wasnt_me3 жыл бұрын
Neigh chance.
@flipper23924 жыл бұрын
I'll shorten this.... Paddy goes onto a jewellers and asks for a potato clock, jeweller says he has all sorts of clocks but never heard of a potato clock, what is it? he asks. Paddy says I'm not sure myself, I'm starting a new job Monday and yer man says I have to get a potato clock.
@robertcarey82374 жыл бұрын
flipper I know I’m slow but I don’t get it, could you help?
@flipper23924 жыл бұрын
@@robertcarey8237 Say it quickly.....I have to get up at 8 o clock. (yer man being the boss)
@macmac82493 жыл бұрын
Took me a second also....don’t worry though...I’ll definitely be using it. Thank you....
@samdavis50792 жыл бұрын
Whale Oil Beef Hooked
@ranaskip3 жыл бұрын
An old Irishman walks into a Irish pub in New York City and sits next to another old Irishman. he says "Barkeep, a shot of Jamison's". Hearing this the other old man says "judging by your accent are you from Ireland?" "Yes I am" He says "Well so am I, may I join you in a drink", "sure" he says, "Barkeep 2 shots of Jamison's". They hold the glass in the air. "Here's to the Emerald isle". And they both shot the shots back' " Where were you born in Ireland?" one says, "well I am from Dublin", "You are from Dublin?" other says, "I'm from Dublin, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air "here's to Dublin". And they shot the shots back. "Where did you go to school?" one says "Well I went to the fine St Mary's". "Your joking!" the other says "I went to St Mary's, this is unbelievable, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air and they both shot the shots back. "May I be so bold as to ask when you were born? one says. "Well I was born on a spring day in April 1942. the other says. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" the other shouts "I was born in April 1942! I cant believe my luck meeting you, Barkeep! 2 more shots and leave the bottle. Meanwhile another man at the end of the bar has been listening to this and ask the bartender "what going on with those two?", the Bartender replies "Oh that just the O'Brian twins, there drunk again".
@joeyd43563 жыл бұрын
I love this joke. I tell it just a little different
@ranaskip3 жыл бұрын
@@joeyd4356 I usually act it out as I do a great drunk Irishman accent.
@Shadow-zw4hp3 жыл бұрын
In America you can always tell when you are in an Irish Pub, the stools all have safety belts on them.
@highwaymaintainer3 жыл бұрын
"What's an Irishman's favorite drink? His next one
@greasycock4553 жыл бұрын
that isn't Enough. pop the top of some bad american whiskey. ya ,frog eater.
@timothyastleford75572 жыл бұрын
A free one
@Shadow-zw4hp3 жыл бұрын
Whenever an Irishman is in a pub and he falls on the floor, sure it's a blessing, he finally knows where he is going!
@ernestgalvan90373 жыл бұрын
Thank you for the laughs; in this time of trouble, they are sorely needed, and much appreciated.
@walteralter90613 жыл бұрын
"Dormant and insidious hatred of self"...boy's a poet.
@jeromesassani95374 жыл бұрын
Mayor, uncle Larry Joyce was always good for an Irish joke. You brought tears to my eyes.
@divegorilla5 жыл бұрын
True story: My father was in Ireland some years ago, and went for a walk in the countryside. He walked into a village, and there was a shop/newsagents/pub. The pub was connected to the shop/newsagents by an internal doorway, also having an outside door as well. My father bought a newspaper, then went into the pub. The man who'd just served my father followed him into the pub, and it turned out he was both the pub landlord and the shop proprietor. My father asked him for a pint of beer. "I'm sorry sir, I can't serve you, the bar won't be open for an hour." he said. "That's ok", my father replied, taking a seat, "I'll just read the paper in the meantime." "Well, would you like a beer while you're waiting?" Got to love the logic behind that.
@brihm38694 жыл бұрын
Been there and done that. He didn't take the money until it was legal time to sell it. At closing time they close the blinds and lock the doors, but everyone just keeps drinking and then goes out the back.
@dfswhip3 жыл бұрын
@@brihm3869 Proper lock-in...
@jackdreamvan18063 жыл бұрын
Same here. They had rooms above. Ended up in wee hrs w/ two 90-somethings, the owner & his retired parents who created the business. Treated me like I belonged. Wonderful evening! Then staggered... ahem, walked... to an upstairs room.
@kansasross3 жыл бұрын
Guinness had a meeting of its labor union members to consider topics for a New Contract. One of the suggestions from the Safety Committee was that management should put up a net around the top of the vats, to prevent any of the men from falling in. The other members chased him from the room, as they considered it not a hazard but a Fringe Benefit.
@simulatorman4 жыл бұрын
I've heard this joke before, but never delivered like this. You made me laugh a good hardy almost spill my coffee laugh.
@MartinFluteCompany4 жыл бұрын
Was it Irish Coffee? ;)
@ptwomey33983 жыл бұрын
Not what many would consider to be a "knee-slapper" simply because they just don't understand. Not their fault. But I understand. Your joke was very good, Mike, brought back some good memories of my Father, a Boston Police Officer and I had a good laugh too. And for that, I am grateful. Paul, Jamaica Plain.
@SpaceCadet4Jesus4 жыл бұрын
Still Think You're Having A Bad Day? Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet. The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl. Yep, you guessed it. The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing. The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm! Now, has your day really been all that bad?
@sherimcdaniel34914 жыл бұрын
Space Cadet I am forced, by my own curiosity, to ask you one burning question: Just how long did it take you to type all that out??!!
@SpaceCadet4Jesus4 жыл бұрын
@@sherimcdaniel3491 Don't know. I had copied it years and years ago.
@sherimcdaniel34914 жыл бұрын
Space Cadet Oh well. I was marveling at your effort! Take care.
@mbear7094 жыл бұрын
Wherever there there is 4 Irishman there is A 5th
@MrJerryrigged14 жыл бұрын
Ya know what Irish Amnesia is? You forget everything but a grudge.
@vincivedivicilextalionas40363 жыл бұрын
I hold fucking grudges like no tomorrow. Wish I could help it lol
@harleyanne37203 жыл бұрын
I knew my Irish was showing. Grudges!
@ronvonryan5 жыл бұрын
Man walks into a bar and lays 500 on the table and says 'I bet the 500 that no-one in here can drink ten pints straight down one after the other', and Irishman says 'I will take that bet but need 10 minutes before I do'. The Irishman walks out the pub and comes back after 10 minutes, goes to the ten beers and drinks them all down and picks up the 500. The man says 'you won that fair and square, but where did you go for the 10 minutes', the Irishman said 'to the Pub across the road, I wanted to make sure I could do it'.
@Nogoingback4244 жыл бұрын
that's a good one.
@MB-jn3xz2 жыл бұрын
Classic!
@timbuktutu14 жыл бұрын
It's a little known fact that thousands of irish migrants were used in the building of the transcontinental railroad until they discovered that steel rails were much more durable.....
@jorgefernandez-mv8hu4 жыл бұрын
Just what I needed. A good laugh.
@CustardCream993 жыл бұрын
Expertly told. I could almost smell the cigar as you were telling it.
@ericknutson82303 жыл бұрын
I was thinking the same!
@1t_wasnt_me3 жыл бұрын
Naff off! He was as funny as your balls being glued to the front wheel of a steam roller!
@kiesesoza6 жыл бұрын
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb??? Only 2 I’d them! One to actually change the bulb and the other to write a song about just how good the old one was :-)
@glenpage1625 жыл бұрын
It IS funny sir-thank you. The wife and I just got back from Ireland. We love it, very nice, and down to earth people. We even made it up to Belfast to see the Titanic Exhibition. Thanks again.
@danmagill75955 жыл бұрын
Christ the bloody ship SANK,,,, Dan Magill County Antrim Ireland,,,
@lornegorman27564 жыл бұрын
Don’t they have a sign in Belfast saying, “The Titanic was ok when it left here.”
@Calligraphybooster3 жыл бұрын
'When you can still keep your balance lying on your back holding the leg of a bar stool you are not drunk'
@195808224 жыл бұрын
Oldest Joke on the planet: describe an Irish 7-course meal? A baked potato and a six-pack
@MartinFluteCompany4 жыл бұрын
On the Res it's a puppy and a six pack.
@jameswest46923 жыл бұрын
Well it might be an old joke now but once upon a time the original joke involved only a six course meal.
@jamesstrater36173 жыл бұрын
It's a boiled potato, not baked.
@jamesstrater36173 жыл бұрын
@ - on the other hand, an Irishman once told me that the 7th course it isn't a potato at all, it's a shot of Powers.
@buildersandinteriorexperts4 жыл бұрын
2 Scotsmen, Welshmen, Irishmen and Englishmen were marooned on a desert Island after their ship went down. When the rescue party arrived 3 months later the Welshmen had started a barber shop duet singing with tea towels etc.. The Scotsmen had made their own Whiskey Still and were full drunk. the two Irish men were black n blue from fighting each other and the two Englishmen were still waiting to be introduced.
@aleck3945 жыл бұрын
How do you confuse an Irishman? Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick :)
@augustinehourigan74535 жыл бұрын
IRISHMEN ARE NOT ALL IMBECILES.
@RodFleming-World3 жыл бұрын
@@augustinehourigan7453 yeah but most of them actually have a sense of humour.
@taztoon33873 жыл бұрын
Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner 🤣
@aleck3943 жыл бұрын
@@augustinehourigan7453 I'm Scottish..in England, take every sarcastic comment thrown at me and give back as good as I get..it's the only thing left that they haven't taken from us and I won't let them..Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh..we've always taken the pish out of each other..when they take that away I'm moving to Australia 🤪
@dirtybrazzer3 жыл бұрын
The joke is "How do you confuse a Kerry man?". Kerry being a county in Ireland.
@MrHighgate1234 жыл бұрын
I,ll never forget this old irish bloke i knew who once said that he went to a disco one evening and said to the bloke on the door if you let me in free i,ll get u a pint so the doorman said ok go for it he said the pint was £4.50 but it was only £2 to charity to get into the disco....and thats a true story.
@ColinVanderheide4 жыл бұрын
Two Irish Pilots Michael and Paddy ... they are flying this plane ... but now it is time to land Michael being the Captain, says Paddy we are getting close to the runway so lower the flaps, drop the landing gear and get ready for touchdown. The plane's wheels hit the runway, Michael throws the flaps for reverse thrust and Paddy is stamping as hard as he can on the brakes ... they manage to stop the plane right on the edge of the runway. Michael looks at Paddy and says ... Fuck me that is a fucking short runway then Paddy looks out the window and says to Michael .. it is fucking wide.
@mattbutler38524 жыл бұрын
On a Bus touring Ireland. The Tour Guide picks up the microphone and says WE ARE NOW PASSING THE OLDEST PUB IN IRELAND, and Paddy let’s a shout from the back of the Bus . WHY.
@professornuke75623 жыл бұрын
As an old lady in Jack Meade's in Wexford once told me "You remind me of somebody I don't know!"
@anneperry90143 жыл бұрын
An Irish girl says to her mother. "Mam I'm pregnant". And her mam says"are ya sure it's yours"? 🤣
@sykwookiee3 жыл бұрын
@Andrew H dude...?
@dahaka_scares_me9093 жыл бұрын
@Andrew H Oh my God Andrew. ( Puts palm on face ).
@dahaka_scares_me9093 жыл бұрын
@Andrew H Ok.That joke makes no sense, thats the funny part.
@dahaka_scares_me9093 жыл бұрын
@Andrew H Ok. Will definitely follow your advice now.
@sirtango13 жыл бұрын
A couple years ago I saw my cousin for the first time in several years. Unfortunately we were at the hospital due to her father’s health. Anyway she was sitting there with a blanket and she smiled really big and pulled the folded blanket back to show me her her 8 and a half month pregnant tummy. I immediately asked if it was hers and she laughed so much her hubby thought she might just go into labor and have the baby right then and there!
@gotsteem3 жыл бұрын
A Scotsman in a kilt stoombles out of the bar one evening and walks up the street a little way before he realizes he close to fallin' down.. He's so drunk he slides down in the doorway of a closed business in hopes of sleepin' a bit of this one off before continuing home.. While he's snoozin' it off, a couple of young ladies walk by and see him fast asleep. One of the lovely young ladies asked her girlfriend if she thinks the rumor is true that a Scot in a kilt doesn't wear any underwear.. Her friend proclaimed that she didn't know and then suggested that they might sneak a look to see if it's true! They carefully lifted the kilt and peered under.. Then each girl with a smile could see that the rumor was completely true! The first girl said "I want to leave something for him to remember this occasion..", so, she removed a blue hair tie from her lovely long hair and tied it around his manly member! After that they quickly walked on about their business. An hour or so later, the now recovered Scot awoke and had to relieve himself quite badly. So he walked around the rear of the Pub and lifted his kilt to empty his bladder. To his surprise he sees the blue ribbon tied to his man unit.. With a laugh he loudly declared, 'I doon't know where ya been Lad, but I see ya won first prize!!'
@martinabsolom22314 жыл бұрын
I can imagine the late great Dave Allen telling that joke.
@WillKemp4 жыл бұрын
I think I've seen him telling it on youtube somewhere
@BillM19605 жыл бұрын
This is a true story. I used to work in Colombia (South America) with some Irish guys and they were both fun and dangerous to party with. Loved U2. There was one older one (we called him "Irish Mike" - for all I know that was his real name). He could not say a sentence without saying fuggin 20 times before it ended. The younger Conner and Cathel were characters too. They had a small flat together and one of their roomates fell down and hurt his leg. They called an ambulance and they went in and while they were attending to that Chathel took the ambulance for a joy ride siren blasting. We went to a strip club together and Conner and Cathel were up there undressing with the strippers. An American friend of theirs (and mine) lived with them and had a birthday. They got him drunk. He passed out and they hired a couple of gay prostitutes to come and strip next to him and took pictures. I would have killed them but they were a hoot. Love them.
@pamspencer57334 жыл бұрын
LOL,so embarrassing.Both fun & dangerous,etc,loving them..You sound like my first love describing me.☘️😱
@noelfleming35677 ай бұрын
Paddy havin d craic😂😂
@milododds13 жыл бұрын
Yes that’s a good one and I love how he tells it. Being of Irish descent I happen to know a few myself.
@jerryelliff4 жыл бұрын
That was a long road to a small house.
@MartinFluteCompany4 жыл бұрын
It's a drinking joke so I guess it's funny if one is drunk. Next time I drink I'll listen to this again and let you know, lol
@rvz774 жыл бұрын
It's about the pastime of telling a story Many younger people with short attention spans just want the punchline and have no interest in developing characters, or painting a picture. Bc they dont read books, they go to google for the direct answers, with no context. Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: go read the freckin book you dope!
@kansasross4 жыл бұрын
You left off the rest of the sentence: ...a small house with only one whore and she was the 80-year old Irish madam but the contageous well. See? Covers all the bases.
@dfswhip3 жыл бұрын
@@rvz77 well said and so effin' true, you cannot tell a joke these days without the kids lookin' confused and askin' for an explanation, sad times...
@PatIreland3 жыл бұрын
@@rvz77 Sadly, things like twitter force a brevity that is unnecessary. I particularly enjoyed the development of this anecdote.
@SpaceCadet4Jesus6 жыл бұрын
Ireland Declared War on France Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
@seraphimdunn6 жыл бұрын
Space Cadet thanks for the laugh!
@foresttrees85305 жыл бұрын
That's a good one!
@hfraat255 жыл бұрын
Great
@gerfinn38685 жыл бұрын
S
@dalebolen23625 жыл бұрын
Space Cadet lmao
@alansimpson5967 жыл бұрын
As an Irishman living in Ireland I reserve the right to tell the following Irish joke. A man was walking to his local pub for his usual evening drink. As he approached he saw a nun who began to hector him with "Tink before you drink. The demon drink is the work of the devil". The man gets a bit annoyed and decides to have a go at the nun by saying "Do you know what you're talking about. You've probably never had a drink so don't be hypocritical by shouting at us who do". The nun looked downcast and told the man that morally he was right. The man then said "Why don't you have a drink now and then you can return to your preaching". The nun said "Well I might try one. I hear women normally drink gin. Could you bring me out one in a cup as I don't want people to see me holding a glass". The man continued on into the bar and said to the barman "Could I have a pint of Guinness and a double gin in a cup". The barman replied "Is that bloody nun back again".
@lnxdzenis6227 жыл бұрын
Dave Allen?
@alansimpson5967 жыл бұрын
Yes, well done!
@davidkelley41117 жыл бұрын
That, too, is hilarious! Thanks!
@kelleytm577 жыл бұрын
Alan Simpson aah sister Sarah back again is she?
@nerrilynstark93987 жыл бұрын
the smegbahelix h
@yurakhunt55864 жыл бұрын
I am an Irish man 37 and he is right we do love to laugh at ourselves, funny joke, I thought the punchline was going to be "I'm the designated driver" but designated drivers in Éire are taxi drivers
@localbargainjerk30363 жыл бұрын
The other punchline I've heard is "Oh, I gave up drinking for Lent."
@maxcatanzaro33093 жыл бұрын
All of them sound funny
@eamonbrennan64433 жыл бұрын
Irish??
@grahamdeere31042 жыл бұрын
I've a true Irish story. Andy and Fiona a young Irish couple who were betrothed had come to America to first earn money for their future start. They had a ground floor apartment and I had stopped in an afternoon to share a Guinness with Andy at his table next to the apartment's window. I noticed briefly Fiona walking by on the sidewalk pushing a double baby stroller and singing Irish lullabyes. I paid her no mind thinking she was earning side money by babysitting. After a second Guinness I stood up sharply for I noticed her coming around the complex again and she had two large cinderblocks neatly seatbelted into the carriage seats and to whom she was singing. I shouted to Andy in a panic. " For God's sake marry that woman NOW or you'll have to put her in an asylum!! " He calmly replied in his heavy brogue " Ye don't understand. Her sister's had twins back in Dublin and we're shipping the stroller to her as a gift. New items you pay a stiff duty on but used ones not. The customs men are sharp and can tell if you've filed or simple-scuffed the wheels. She's got about two more trips around. I'll grant ye that she's 'practicing' with the lullabyes though! "
@operafanaticoperafanatic98044 жыл бұрын
The foreman on a building site asked the Irishman who was looking for a job "Do you know the difference between a girder & a joist?" "Sure I do" replied the Irishman " Goethe wrote Faust & Joyce wrote Ulysses!" (to be read with an Irish accent!)