Are narcissists faking it the entire relationship? | The Narcissists' Code Ep 654

Was any of the relationship with a narcissist real or was the entire thing faked?
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Welcome my channel! If this is your first time seeing my face or hearing my voice, my name is Lee and I am a self aware narcissist. I have narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ) and I've been in therapy for my personality disorder since 2017 and it has definitely changed my life because without it, I would have lost everything.
The point of these videos is to help bring awareness from the other side of the narcissistic *buse spectrum. All my videos give perspective on why many narcissists do what they do and the possible different reasons behind them. The victims and survivors get validation and the Narcissists (those that are willing) get to see that you can get help and that you are not alone.
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Thank you so much

[@dianaboyd3629]

Their faking it they don’t even really like you their jealous of you actually because they lack everything you have they mirror you because they have no real personality they want to break you down to their level

[@Chosenoneforever]

They narcissistic hate women. They love men and cover up what and who by being in a false relationship with women. Mines did

[@nunya6346]

@@Chosenoneforever mine did too!! I’m a woman btw… but I’ve been with two narcissist that were both on the DL

[@emarie1968]

Mine told me i need to learn to fake it like he does.

[@belindajohn1981]

I love how you’re sensitive to those who’ve invested years in a Narc relationship

[@TheOriginalJenafire]

This was my experience too. More than one was on the DL.

[@radiance65]

"It'll never be as good as it was in the beginning". That hit hard. 😭

[@MentalHealness]

😞

[@shannonbrown560]

YEs exactly. This vidoe may speak truth and truth is depressing as hell! What a sad video . Truthful but yeah love bombing doesn't enlighten me or make me feel better.

[@debbieramsey2696]

But is something that we need to hear.

[@shannonbrown560]

@@debbieramsey2696 ​ @Debbie Ramsey I actually already knew it only because I have experienced it and I am still experiencing it. It just made me personally sadder to hear what I already know that has me in depression over the abuse. But, glad it was good for you to hear. I think this video was painful for me because I am already having him my narcissist ex yell at me and say I will never love you like I did before!!! So, those of us who are going through it may feel fragile.

[@chloerodgers692]

It wasn't even that good in the beginning…I missed all the signs and put up with it for 36 years.

[@theblackswan3757]

Being with a narc is like a drug that gives you a 10 second high, then BOOM, back to reality, now we’re chasing that high again 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Ki-Priceless]

Worst trauma bond ever thats exactly what that high is

[@sherriflemming3218]

Exactly. Trauma bond. Healthy love is not abuse. It's good to do an entire autopsy. And a historical relationship autopsy. We are attracted to the familiar. Imago Coach Craig Kenneth podcast.

[@melissajenkins3412]

I was always high, so to speak.. I mean, higher than high, ALL about him! But, I speak past tense, because I'm REALLY getting sick of all the ish.... I love him, but he doesn't deserve me..

[@just_saying_facts3856]

Well put

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Totally. I can't even remember the "good times" really but I'm still chasing them hard.

[@empressdawnsomerville1101]

Nothing is real with a narcissist EXCEPT their evilness.

[@ND-or5so]

TRUTH.

[@meghanme7070]

100% true. he says,and im paraphrasing... "I mean, we weren't being our real selves,but in the begining the love was real, for us." Damn! That make ZERO sense and it's infuriating af!

[@agentatles624]

@@meghanme7070 you have to watch the full video my guy.

[@dhealing]

I agree. How can someone who doesn't care, care? It makes no sense.

[@chanel82593]

I feel like maybe he’s meaning the way they interpret what love is is distorted. So being that they don’t see or feel love the way non- disordered people see and interpret what love actually is… their experience is different from ours. They think the external feelings they have from doing certain things and receiving certain things..is the definition of love… and being validated.. so if they’re getting that.. it = love to them. So in their reality..they DO care at some point. It’s not meant to be as confusing as I explained it. But just imagine being in the twilight zone or in a delusion .. on shrooms.. this is whatever the reality is FOR THEM. lol

[@stormyskyz7881]

Relationships are supposed to evolve.. couples should be able to problem solve. The moment you ask them about anything that requires emotions or adulting it’s a problem

[@MentalHealness]

💯

[@DeeDe730]

Yep, he turns it into and argument when it shouldn’t be or should have been adults trying to learn and help each other

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

I don't think we ever resolved a fight in four years. He always changed the subject somehow and I regretted bringing it up to begin with.

[@sherriflemming3218]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 Indeed it's a no win. Power dominance and control. They deflect, accept no responsibility. Nor do they want any consequences or accountability.

[@silavia7]

​@@dr.jenniferma3914yep, and I keep joining it up them.. 😅

[@GLeon-ov9yu]

These demons are way to much work. Love yourself enough to find someone capable of love every day.

[@eliannasmalls5403]

Those Demons are strong and it will always and only take the Love of Jesus and the acceptance of the narc to get help and seek true healing. I still pray for my ex narc everyday and it has been a week since we broke up, I mostly just pray for healing and that God will give him a soft heart for the next woman and that he could seek counseling and help and heal .

[@wildmeoww2753]

Is there any anymore…

[@litedawg]

What you have touched on here is quite possibly the most important/ confusing part of dealing with NPD. Because you remember the initial love bombing and parts of the relationship where their love and affection felt real and you know it was real. Then they get bored with you and that’s when the real mind f$cking starts. For over a year I asked myself if she even liked me as a person after going through a period where I was certain she loved me. I’m 54 and this was the most difficult unsatisfying relationship I’ve ever been in. So glad I saw that something was very wrong and broke up with her, my heart told me to keep trying but my gut told me to get out now , and that’s what I did.

[@fran791]

Sorry you had to go through that, how long did it take you to recover fully? It took me at least 2 years but it was abusive too

[@amandac7056]

Good for you 🙂. I'm still in it but no longer feed him and called him out. 38 years🤷‍♀️

[@ND-or5so]

@Francesca That's their MO - abuse. They know right from wrong too and act up like we wanted this sh-t. They last 12 hours at work as a normal person and come home and peel off the phony. I said to him, I know damn well you don't act this way at work and he said how do you know how I act at work? I said if you displayed such behavior as you do at home, you would be fired!

[@massimo7219]

I had a similar experience except that I was discarded for a former ex of hers. Her love bombing got me hooked, and I wanted more of her drug. My relationship with her has been the most hurtful and painful to overcome, by far. I take it day by day, but I have never known someone can mindf🤬ck someone like this. I literally don’t know up from down anymore.

[@GoogleUser-wy2vv]

@@massimo7219 I am so sorry. I have been there. Read books on trauma bonding and watch KZbin videos. It helps.

[@dmrules]

I remember once I was pleading with my NPD husband to just be nice to me. And I said, can’t you just treat me like you do your clients? You are nice to them. He said, oh so you want me to be fake? And I said, no, I just want you to be nice. And he said, being nice is exhausting. I was so blown away by this. I knew he was a monster at that point, but that was just shocking to me.

[@MentalHealness]

oh my goodness

[@gogi682]

@@MentalHealness Same with me, the nice guy to everyone (I plead for him to treat me like his friends!)...it's shocking...my whole marriage, has been over 45 years? (never knew about the lies til 5 years ago, and that had been going on for 15 years.) The obvious narcissism was in the last 5 years, and we met young, married young. Had a baby young...he gave me whatever I wanted.....He did whatever made me happy. To live in a certain area, or a holiday somewhere, all decisions for our life, he went along with. Never a fight, or disagreement. It made me wonder why. Then, the shock there'd been a betrayal from this man I always loved and seemed to adore me, was a great father. Lies. for at least 15 yrs.....And the last 5 years, totally full of all the narcissistic traits, abuse, inability to be sorry, gaslights, entitlement, fake make ups (to shut me up). My emotional state means nothing to him, when he once was so kind. I meant everything. He laughs at me when I cry, silent treatment when I argue. He cannot be wrong. I thought it could not be he was always this way, now maybe he was, then it all came out, with the first lie (a woman), it destroyed me to be married to a stranger.

[@teresarenee3829]

yeh, mine insists hes a good person, but the way he treats people he doesn't care about, especially me, unless he is getting something he wants, shows something else. They never get the concept that actions speak louder than words.

[@tashachere]

I recall asking my narcissist that… ‘can you just treat me like you do your friends, clients, kid’ this triggered me and brought back painful memories… also the comment regarding how they laugh at you when you cry or yell or say you’re playing the victim’

[@erikkasepiphany]

They are heroes to everyone else, zeros to their family.

[@debbieramsey2696]

The narcissist took my light and replaced it with major depression, anxiety, insomnia, ptsd, etc Do I think that the narcissist can change. Absolutely not.

[@Joannas1973]

Wow you nailed it with this!

[@wishingonastar75]

Debbie Ramsey Do you think we will ever get even a little bit of that light back? I’m 48 and can’t imagine having to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Will I ever get ME back? ❤

[@matthewbrown8679]

​​@@wishingonastar75God Speed to both of you. I've seen a very bright light extinguished as well. She has changed so much in a narcissistic relationship I scarcely recognize her for who she once was. But in Christ all things are possible. Come unto Christ.

[@wishingonastar75]

@@matthewbrown8679 Thank you Matthew 🙏 ❤

[@ForeverDrunkckoi]

Did you express how

[@prettylovelyhappy]

I think what it comes down to is in the beginning, the narcissist isn’t INTENTIONALLY being fake; they feel all the butterflies and they want to mirror you because it’s only natural to mirror people you like. Then, their true self begins to come out-the way they criticize themselves is how they criticize you.

[@MentalHealness]

😞

[@PamdaBear1]

I feel like you really hit the nail here

[@BlessedHealer75]

Thank you for verifying what I figured out after 28-29 years. The point is that it is all downhill after they figure out they've got you. Or in my case, the use of pregnancy to secure use you in the narcissist's life. They don't know who they are or they don't like who they are and that's why they mimic you or someone else to lock you in. Then they get tired of the charade and show their true selves. Such a shame they can't have more confidence in themsrlves.

[@jassenjj]

No, they are not fake during the first love bombing until the first sign that they have control over your mood/state.

[@GoJojo-lv6zi]

No, it’s even more convoluted than that. They *are intentionally being fake from the beginning* but they are actually enjoying this time as well because it is the only chance they get to feel like they are who they think they are (before their mask & your rose colored glasses inevitably fall off). During the love (bullsh**) bombing stage you are buying their bs & they eat that up - and they are also getting closer to what they want, which is getting you to like them so they can use you. It’s a euphoric time for them because they found a shiny, new supply and everything is going to plan so far. The subsequent love (bs) bombing stages may be *more fake* than at the beginning because they aren’t feeling euphoric and excited for the future, but rather guilty or desperate now - e.g. narc buys you flowers and showers you with compliments for a bit after cheating on you. It’s possible that the narc subconsciously (deep, deep, deep down) feels like you might save them from their sad existence. But you can’t, only they can do that with professional help (which they will never get because it would take humility) So they build you up in their head as their perfect savior & supply just to break you down when you aren’t a perfectly submissive, selfless, endless well of validation & energy. Because you’re not an object. You’re a human being who is allowed to be imperfect - beautifully unique just like everyone & everything on this planet is. God/Source/etc is the only thing that can give them the strength to save themselves.

[@maryl9180]

"Wasted" years is a very accurate description of what a narcissist does with those years in the life of those they "claim" to love.

[@brinamills]

It is sad that this makes perfect sense to me. It's like being in a relationship with two different people. The person you thought they were, and the person they really are.

[@rfield3404]

This. Excellent analogy. Exactly. Absolutely exactly. 💯 and after a while, once they have their claws in, literally every hr could be one or the other and once you stand up for yourself, you never see the "good" one again. Ever. And the one that follows that is the one you've never seen before even after decades of marriage. To realize you've spent a very large chunk of life with literally a stranger is totally mindboggling. I believe the 3rd one version is a complete and total stranger even after having "known them" for 20 yrs. Just goes to show you never, ever really know a person. It's just beyond my comprehension how that person behaves towards the one they (supposedly) loved for half their entire life once the mask falls off. It's surreal almost.

[@jamiesouza]

Right! OMG...ufff....It's so sad. This is exactly how I feel...2 people one good one bad. I don't know if my ex has NPD or is just on the narcissistic spectrum but he's toxic as hell and so much of what he says in this video fits. They are still human and want to love, but they are so broken inside. And there's not a damn thing we can do about it except save ourselves. :(

[@ZykeeAnderbon]

Yes This guy not that I thought he was and it took two years to really to decide to let it go he will never change.

[@lindablose]

@@rfield3404be

[@cloyewoods]

In my case, the ENTIRE relationship was fake, which is ironic because he bragged about being so REAL. I've discovered those who have to brag about it are NOT it. Lol Honest people don't brag about being honest.

[@MentalHealness]

💯💯

[@ZykeeAnderbon]

I just learned about narcissist disorder and it gave me a clear understanding of the man that I have been in a tent with for 2 years and it's been off and on. I have decided that enough. This hard for me because I really wanted to make this work. But now I've learned just to walk away

[@ZykeeAnderbon]

Yes this guy always did alot of bragging about his accomplishments even how he looks. I would be lying if I say that Im not hurt ... But I know that it's best that I move on and not look back.

[@angelabob6738]

A lion doesn’t have to prove that he’s a lion.

[@lb1798]

Me and my friend argue about this all the time. The more I learn about narcissism ...the more I believe that WITHOUT HELP THROUGH THERAPY....narcs are not capable of anything real....because everything is a facade...strategic...and a manipulation of life and all in their lives...to block out their OWN ISSUES.

[@Coayanisqatsi]

I think....that before therapy they can see the World as a Jungle....where they have to fight for surviving all time. And take caring only of themselves because they dont believe in others good ntentions🤔but its just my own opinion.

[@straykittsco.950]

@@Coayanisqatsi I agree.

[@ambersanford5173]

Yesss. You summed it up nicely 👌🏼

[@lb1798]

​@@Coayanisqatsi I agree...the problem is while they are "in the jungle" they hurt a LOT OF PEOPLE!!

[@lb1798]

No....who they are in the end ...is the most real

[@christenyoshimura7933]

I just found out my narcissistic ex was living a double life. I gave him everything and the entire time he lied and hid an entire double life. He made me feel insane and crazy but now I’m healing from my trauma bond. Thank you for explaining this. He did everything you’re describing and i’ve been so anxious it’s made me physically sick.

[@manonzucka9474]

Same here, it has nothing to do with you trust me, the loneliness you may feel is now a projection of theirs

[@sam_p792]

Snap, keep moving forward the sadness and anxiety goes away when you remember your own worth and your own good heart. It’s not any reflection of you, it’s a reflection of their messed up ways!

[@christenyoshimura7933]

@@manonzucka9474 Thank you I have so much guilt because I found out she’s pregnant and everything he said was all lies

[@christenyoshimura7933]

@@sam_p792 Thank you I needed this message. I feel so shattered all last year I thought I was delusional and crazy because I would try to ask him questions. He isolated me and made me feel guilt for being happy or anyone talking to me as friends. When he was living an entire double life

[@ashleyg4299]

I feel every word of this! Same here!

[@burgundisands9905]

"We want to make you feel how we feel." That one was deep. A great way to say it.

[@tekitagraham2569]

Sad to know get help

[@naiyalexic]

My ex would get so angry and fearful every time they'd check, in the beginning of the relationship, to see whether I was at the same level of intensity of feelings that they were. They were going way, way, way too fast, professing love in the first three weeks. Professing cosmic feelings of us being meant for each other. I felt it too, but it got interrupted and dissonant every time I'd start actually falling in love, by their incessant questioning and accusations about not feeling the same and them being more at risk. They pressured and pressured, until I forced myself to feel things prematurely that were already happening naturally, and if they could have just relaxed and let things happen instead of forcing them to happen, it could have been great. But nope.

[@NatzTalk]

@tekitagraham2569 your comment comes across as you telling the original poster to get help. The put that in quotation marks.

[@NatzTalk]

@natztalk they put***

[@timwilmot3412]

Narcissists are self-destructive. It's real in the beginning and wonderful. From that point on, it's an inevitable decline. It's like living the movie Groundhog Day. You live the same frustrating day over and over again until the final betrayal that is rock bottom for you.

[@LilMsLorelei]

This is all so true. The first year was good and then it was like somebody flipped a switch shortly after we were married. He was absolutely head over heels initially. I was “The One”, but I think the narcissistic personality is so immature, it just cannot handle any of the reality of a true relationship. They are perpetual children and petulant ones at that.

[@ND-or5so]

Total children. Mine was a child in a grown mans body. Weirdos. They say they don't pass 11 in their growth emotionally. It's called Emotionally Arrested.

[@LilMsLorelei]

@@ND-or5so I’d say emotionally, the one I had been involved with was about nine years old on a good day.

[@jayjaydubful]

Yes! The immaturity. My recent ex presented himself as a proper adult man & I was like 'FINALLY - a grown up!' but he was a manbaby, he had tantrums, he couldn't be grown up & objective, he couldn't self soothe & self manage his emotions. And after a year & a half, he was bored of his toy (me) & chucked it out of the pram

[@fainitesbarley2245]

They struggle with friendships too.

[@LilMsLorelei]

@@fainitesbarley2245 The one I had been involved with didn’t have issues with friendships. Covert narcissists tend to do well with coworkers, friends, and others. It’s the significant others and closest family members who live with them who deal with all the abuse. The Narc surrounds themselves with people who give them narcissistic supply, so The friends get to see the good side of them, not the dark side. With the ex, as long as he was having a good time and the center of attention, he was as charming as could be. Once real life was involved, the mask came off. A completely different person was underneath.

[@project0077]

Most people can only hide who they are for about the first 90 days in a relationship before the red flags begin to show up. The narcissist is all about image and false identity. That leads me to believe that while the relationship was real, the image that was presented was not. A relationship with an unaware narcissist is an eternal conundrum...one that I am not willing to try and solve

[@rfield3404]

Agree. I feel most "average" folks just can't understand. It can become a real "mind f¥ck" and that's where that person has to go deep, deep within themselves to understand it wasn't them. It was the narc. So hard.

[@ND-or5so]

I didn't know they made these type (sick abusing narcissists) they never stop either.

[@kristy2376]

Love bombing is a red flag

[@MimiCoco-gt7zo]

I've been blessed I dated a 49 year old narcissistic dude & saw all of these traits within the first 4 or 5 weeks.

[@sheilabeck1595]

I saw the red flags within the second week, and chose to ignore them and believed the fairytale he showed me. I married him within a year and the love bombing ended a few months later when he announced the honeymoon was over and the mask completely dropped. I finally left him a few months ago after 13 years of his nonsense.

[@LovelyLady.]

My mother taught me that narcissists, players, users, and opportunists, can s***t hard, but they can’t s***t long meaning they can’t keep up pretenses for very long. My mother wasn’t lying.

[@MentalHealness]

💯🙏🏽

[@debimary6812]

Your mother was a very wise lady.

[@patricialdv5220]

Just because THEY think it's real, doesn't mean anything. It ISN'T real, none of it is real. *Correction, in my case, it wasn't.

[@merveilleux7426]

The realness is the realnessless

[@realliving7340]

I feel the same way....

[@Dr.Mahadrasjethwani_MD]

32 yrs I loved this sad evil personality no matter how it treated me mentally and emotionally anguish and Its a freaky real fake! The crap that narc(you) put me through has phuck me up for my life. The unnecessary pain damage IT' caused I am fighting for my sanity every single second.

[@Dr.Mahadrasjethwani_MD]

@@realliving7340 I left months ago. Thank you 😊

[@apeshitphilosophy5221]

The lovebombing isn’t real because they lovebomb lots of people simultaneously, even when they are in a relationship. So the lovebombing has zero authenticity behind it, because they will be simultaneously lovebombing someone completely different to you, so it’s not personal. When you develop healthy boundaries and high standards you wouldn’t entertain such weirdos in your life

[@lorrainesimpson5594]

Yes they get a lot of things to love bomb off the internet. It’s not from the heart. Love bombing a few at a time

[@valeriegiles6524]

They arent weird. They're broken. Just like most of the people on this planet. 😥

[@LazyDaisy11]

Absolutely! It is after 10 years I discovered how many more women he tried to sleep with. Same words. Same lines. Same texts. Same songs. Copy Paste. Nothing is real with these Narcs. So funny the way I bumped into a bunch of those women. Dont think it was a coincidence.. god had it all planned out.

[@SuprEmpth]

I wonder how many people she was messaging too but i need to remember that’s no longer my problem

[@user-db5oo8ee6s]

@@valeriegiles6524broken people who LIKE breaking others . They are DECIDING to be weridos

[@marierose6792]

I see them living out a fantasy, in the beginning. When they get bored, they look for another fantasy. You have no idea when you are with them, that you are disposable.

[@Turin_Turumba]

Spot on, clinically it's called the shared fantasy, every relationship a Narcissist has is a fantasy

[@ND-or5so]

"Emotionally Arrested" is the term they use of what happens to the Narcissist when they stop growing emotionally. When this is what happens that means they are not past an 11-year-old emotionally. My guy was a grown adult man and took tantrums more than I could count. Those tantrums I saw hundreds of times were of a 4-year-olds tantrums. I've seen this man act as a toddler also. It's almost unbelievable to witness this stuff. You've all seen that child in them that acts up. A child that you would never want.

[@specialtwice4975]

Exactly, my ex went into what I called "baby mode" whenever a tantrum happened. Which was at least 3 to 4 times a month. I look back on it, and yes, my ex has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. One time though, I had enough and I through my own tantrum because I couldn't take another second of the crazy. I did exactly as they usually did, crying, screaming, etc. My ex just stared at me like "you crazy" and then said "Why are you acting like that? Pathetic. Grow up."

[@specialtwice4975]

The double standard they have is real. When they throw a tantrum, it's okay. When you do it you have "lost your mind".

[@SuprEmpth]

@@specialtwice4975they never see their wrongs.

[@user-te6zl7ym7w]

Like a baby walking around with a shitty diaper 😂

[@debimary6812]

I can't count how many times I had to tell him off. His mother must have been exhausted.

[@thamacckca1585]

The 1st time I fell In love, was with a narcissist. So the 1st time I fell in love was with myself. It's Deep.

[@rhon1908]

This!

[@soltun1000]

I believe that every person will be a better person if they could love themselves. Many of the narcissists have been hurt and violated in their childhood and therefore they have developed this personality disorder.

[@gigafia5358]

Very true. I think my bf is a narcissist. He treat other people so good,helping them. With me, he is totally diffrent.i never could figure out what this was. he has all the classic narc traits too.very manipulative and controlling.never admit wrong/say sorry. Use sarcasm to put me down/feel worthless.never gives me complements ore ask how i feel .he wants all the power.selfish af.all abouth him. He is also an expert on silent treatment. He has a toxic childhood,and toxic parents too. His mom always plays the victim,and expect him to fix here problems/be there for here almost like a dad.its sick to watch. Sometimes i think he has bipolar/delution personality dissorder

[@Jade-bv1mt]

@@gigafia5358 coming from someone with a narcissistic mother, I also think I have a bipolar disorder because of my mom. Realize that he needs healing before he takes his destructive traits further. Get him some help asap. Otherwise the worst traits will happen. It’s not his fault. He’s just a product of his environment even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

[@krsytalgeorge5667]

Describes mine perfectly

[@LRS11B]

Very true. My wife doesn't believe she's a good person. Yes she's a narcissist and is aware of it now. Her mother was a malignant narcissist and devalued her father in front of people. My wife was the scapegoat as a child. She developed into a narcissist herself.

[@lolaweed7467]

Toxic people giving their new partner the base minimum of what you expected in your relationship is crushing. Other people try to tell you that maybe they have learned or changed since your relationship but you know it’s all smoke n mirrors because why would someone who supposedly loves you purposely withhold the things that would make you feel secure…

[@sweetpea1847]

Dealing with it NOW! Everything I desired, he's doing it now with her. Proposal, pictures, social media etc

[@lolaweed7467]

@Amanda K it's a very cruel manipulation tactic

[@ND-or5so]

You are correct!

[@ND-or5so]

​@amandak9945 Hi, I take it you are commenting on what @ lolaweed7467 said? If you are ; I AGREE 👍

[@ND-or5so]

​​@UCjS6OTPWE38H_qNmZjajJFQI dobt think this was a good lesson for me to being with a Covert Narcissist. It was punishment! Total punishment. I'm still wondering the what hell I did wrong to deserve this. This was a Sick experience for me since I almost died because of the emotional and mental abuse. I can't believe I'm still here.

[@danielaspitz3052]

When asking my covert Narc ex after struggling for months, not being able to leave, why he didn't tell me everything right from the beginning of which he even KNEW before we got together, that I'd have huge issues with, he said in a very cold way: "Then you wouldn't have wanted to be with me." I guess that says it all.

[@MentalHealness]

😩😩

[@angelabob6738]

Because if they acted a fool at the beginning they knew you wouldn’t have wanted them. They wouldn’t have been able to lie, manipulate and abuse you!!

[@paulmryglod4802]

Holy smokes I can relate to this. After my ex fiance went through an anger-filled rant about my faults and things that were bad about me, I said, I've been this way my whole life! Why would you say yes to marrying me if I have all these faults!? I realize now, it was just part of the cycle of devaluing and really didn't have anything to do with me. It was verbal venom.

[@SuprEmpth]

😢😢😢 it’s scary

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

I asked why he didn't just let me go years ago when his affair started and he said, "Well I got an extra three years with you." The selfishness!

[@ottemis8179]

What I learned at some point was that I could tell by the tone or words used beginning of the day what version I'd get. It did not matter if I defended myself or not, he'd be in this mental rollercoaster ride that would take him places, and what came out towards me really could not be controlled. I have cried and pleaded plenty, defended myself, been incredibly sad, felt betrayed, like my character was being assassinated. At some point i just stopped and there were long periods where I started to block him just to wait out that storm, to commence conversation once there was any to be had. And it would be when he showed fragility or any introspective thought. He'd say a thing that was a clear falsity and I would tell him "if that's who you think I am, we're done talking" and I'd stop engaging with that version of him and stop defending myself against this version of ME he had created. After a while it stops hurting altogether. I started to sit in a very defined idea of who I was, and that became unshakable. I stopped doubting myself and sat in the notion that i had tried plenty, and I had given him every chance. That I had bended myself backwards to show him how genuine I was and that I did care but that I also needed to make sure I was alright. And I've been through a lifetime of trauma and bad things, so I have a large capacity for shit and still keep going. It was when he threatened my livelihood that I completely pulled the plug. And I never sunk to his level, I never tried to destroy him the way he has tried with me. He'd get some harsh truths here and there, but he remained safe. I have tried and tried and I can find some peace in that thought. I kept giving him my trust and made myself vulnerable until it was unhealthy to keep doing so, not because I'm Naïve but because I believed he needed to be in the position where he could do wrong, to make right and show me that he earned that trust. Words mean nothing without action. He could not, I gave him 3 years and now it's over. Because I have to live too, build and survive this life.

[@ottemis8179]

Lee, I would like to say, I hope you make it out on the other end. Nobody is perfect friend, and it's in that imperfection where everyone is unique and beautiful in their own right. Own it, live it and see it in others. I choose to believe peace and real happiness is attainable for everyone through self awareness and authentic living.

[@rfield3404]

Good for you! And this is eerily my same situation. It seems I woke up one day 5 yrs ago and never again allowed him to control me. He hated it and was shocked. 20 yr marriage learning lesson. He taught me SO much and has no idea. This will never happen to me again. In the end I appreciated the lesson and grew to understand he is sick and it has nothing to do with me.

[@Queen10161]

This sounds like my life exactly thank you for sharing ❤gives one hope for the better I choose peace and happiness over everything else! My livelihood destroyed and almost lost my kids but I’m alive and well and winning. The lessons learned are far reaching.

[@tcham1955]

So beautifully and eloquently written. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@celestehouston4194]

So true!

[@wayneharrisjr8331]

We feel exhausted after the love bombing phase because it starts to feel like a job. Or a scheduled habit. "Like wow. I really have to keep this act going." We slowly start being our real selves, and sometimes it may be the exact opposite. We dislike habits, schedules, tradition, expectancy.

[@jasonpeterson3860]

The narcissist wanting their partner to feel like they do, good or bad, is another sign that they don’t perceive the partner as a wholly separate person, but just someone who is supposed to be what they WANT them to be.

[@nokotose7127]

If you are mirroring your girlfriend, how can THAT be real? It's not. Real means being yourself and being genuine.

[@peace_1973]

In 2 weeks, he took me to meet all of his family vacation. Bought me gifts and moved me in to his place. 😢I was always a bit naive.trusting and thought at this time people were good or at least I chose to see the good in them and over look and ignore the red flags.....Wich were in fact there.

[@donnahale1011]

My ex has been asking me 2 come back and I REFUSE!!! Guess he can't believe I'm not responding but for me this is HELPING ME GREATLY!!! He only wants me back so I can give him what I use 2 give him...cuz he really don't want me as a person...

[@realliving7340]

Stay gone and no contact. You got this!

[@Cy-bz9jh]

stop talking to him or listening, change your number, change the name on you socials and don't allow friend requests. Enough refusals may put you at risk ('legal alert" MAY (not will)).

[@Gerri_Liz]

I thank God for leading me to you. I’ve been watching your videos pretty much non stop. Everything is starting to make sense! Now that I see how he thinks, I’m gaining tools on how to handle it. Thank you so much for your honesty. You are doing good work, keep it going we appreciate you.

[@MentalHealness]

🙏 stay strong

[@celestehouston4194]

@@MentalHealness yes, thank you!

[@AngelaGullette]

Me too have a 10 yr old son w this narc and been together 12 years and you and everyone on here describe him and out life exactly and I am trying to get away get our kids away he's cheated w little girls half his age they even harass me back my phone he's had them in our house and need it's one of the hardest things I've to learn on my life.

[@latanyaclark2376]

This is hitting so hard! I’m going through a divorce with a man I now understand is a narcissist. In the beginning he was love bombing me (I was not healed so I thought it was love), he proposed only 3 months into our relationship and we married 2 weeks later…..rushed!! I didn’t give time to get to know each other and now he’s like a different person, but I guess this is the real him.

[@stacys3794]

I honestly just broke down and cried Lee. THIS was the most difficult part of ALL of it for me. Was the whole 4 years really fact or fiction? I loved him so so much. And this right here is the main reason I stayed. Because I wanted to believe it was fact. I wish he could have seen the flaw and gotten help too. He didn't think there was a thing wrong with him. To him.. he was normal. He had everyone fooled but me. I have since pulled the knife out of my back AND my still bleeding heart. But every so often, I watch one of your videos and the memories flood in. The trauma. You're a good man Lee. You're doing us all a good service. Don't steer us wrong. Trust me, you've captivated your audience. Were hanging on your every word. Blessings 🙏🙏🙏

[@MentalHealness]

🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 STAY STRONG

[@virgobestie]

Exact same.

[@ladyvirgo9514]

12 year marriage is ending soon,he filed for divorce last week. Discarded me 4 weeks ago for the secretary at his work. So evil

[@qb9359]

I’m crying with you… it hurts.

[@idid138]

​@@ladyvirgo9514don't let him back in! 12 years is a lot of time, I know it hurts, but this is your chance to make moves & move on! Trust me, lady! His secretary will get exactly what she deserves, be glad for her, despite her awful self! She is like the herd of pigs Yeshua cast the demons into. Freedom!

[@Jace_TheJacedleboi]

So in other words YES ITS ALL FAKE. That’s what helped me move on from ex … Once I realized that he wasn’t the person I once thought he was and came to understand that that person never really existed… I KNEW I HAD YO LEAVE! The light bulb 💡 went off

[@kellieabernethy4375]

Unfortunetly feelings don't equal reality. I appreciate Lee's perspective and I understand the disorder is on a spectrum. However something is either real or it's NOT. People w NPD literally can't b genuine, they are not capable of giving or receiving real love. It's almost unbearable when you realize ur life/childhood/relationship/marriage was only real for u. Continuing to have hope & thinking maybe this or what if that, is only going to prolong ur pain. Keep the truth close, b gentle w urself ask for help from other survivor's and u will recover from this. Good luck & God bless.

[@dezzirose187]

I've been saying consistent inconsistency for a few years. VERY VERY TRUE!!

[@MentalHealness]

🙌🏾

[@joannebutenhoff9198]

The family your marring into will never worn you what their kid is like.

[@undeniablynarcissistic1763]

In my eyes, and as heartbroken as I am, it was all a game to him. He started from the beginning because he was married for twenty-five years when we met so in actuality he shouldn't have never ever even approached me however he went on with the whole charade from love bombing, to mirroring, to devaluation, to projecting, to discarding, then also love-bombing again and over and over again the same cycle. I have been affected tremendously, to where I am second-guessing myself and I am mentally broken. I don't want to put myself out there for anyone else to hurt me ever again. And that has led to so much loneliness and so much crying and so much mental confusion that I have now. I don't have have any friends or family, and I put this man up on a pedestal. He knew how much I loved him and he disrespected and disregarded by feelings and threw me away like trash, and I don't think I'll ever recover from that. It has been 2 years already and I'm still not over this.

[@annettegardiner7270]

Go to Richard Grannon and get his emotional literacy work it will help you get rid of the trauma bond.. He helps you with a lot..it helps you to Move on.. It's not your fault.. Namaste

[@lanam1636]

Sis you are gorgeous and strong we're in this together survivors are the strongest people you got this i believe in you, don't ever give up on yourself because wen u give up is wen they win, stay strong 🦋👑

[@celestehouston4194]

I understand..so sorry😢 I pray you get pass this soon.

[@margaretcantlon9960]

It can take many years. Get professional help and Be Really Good To Yourself. Buy yourself some flowers as often as you can afford! Reassure your Inner Child that You love her and will protect her from Anyone ever hurting her again. Do one Special thing for yourself every day. A long bubble bath. Take 30 minutes and watch a sunset. Drive to a beach if you are near a lake or ocean. Catch up on great movies you missed. If you love to read join a book club. Start Tennis lessons? Music lessons? Golf lessons? Just try something New. Adopt a puppy or a kitten. Learn to knit a beautiful Throw for chilly nights. Learn how to grow your favorite herbs indoors for year around use. Start going to a Gym with a Saline swimming pool. You will feel wonderful and make new friends with new interests. Indulge You. You will heal much faster if you focus on things Outside of your inner thoughts. Nature is healing. I took a Poetry class 6 months after leaving my 10 year Narcissistic abuser. I meet a great new friend and writing partner. 25 years later we are still good friends. Finding a Church community you like is uplifting. Fill your mind and Soul with things you love...it will change your Brain Chemistry..I promise.

[@debimary6812]

I was the cheats new supply. I totally understand where you're coming from with that. I accept karma for his ex because he cheated on me with the new supply. Her karma will come come when he meets the the next one.

[@anabellaparis1]

When it's real it's getting stronger and more beautiful with the time, it doesn't fade with the time as it happens with the narcs

[@Missybella92227]

My recent EX Narc loved bombed me beyooond belief. In a couple months into the relationship he said “I love you.” Paid for trips, paid my bills and even showed me an engagement ring he already bought. Then noticed when I didn’t make him the epicenter of my life (he wanted me to put him before my son) and started calling him out on disrespect, etc. he started removing the kind acts. YET he wanted me to continue giving him the wifey benefits. He started devaluing me to the max when I began mirroring him and told me he was on to “my games.” I was amused how it’s NOT games when he reacts YET when I start react it is?? A Narc’s hypocrisy is unmeasurable.

[@Reclusive_Butterfly]

They are huge hypocrites. They get a fit when you do something they don't like (it could be something miniscule in reality) but when they do that same thing there's excuses & "justification." You can't do it but it's okay for them to do it. Your supposed to accept being treated like crap with your mouth shut, but let you do something they don't like the world is coming to an end & your going to hear about how you wronged them. If you object, or don't respond the way they want, and it's a never ending "argument" and there's no winning because "They're always right" no matter what the situation is. A lot of double standards.

[@MimiCoco-gt7zo]

Whew I'm sure that was a crazy ride the 1st few months.

[@tinac6114]

I just tried to let my Narc back into my life after there's been NC since almost a year ago when he discarded me. I truly love this man but I finally told him...I love you & I always will but the things you said to me in our last conversation you wouldn't have said them if you didn't mean them. So i get the love bombing & devaluation are real for them. It's hard finally just letting go. He says he understands & will respectfully leave me alone. We've been in & out of each other's lives for over 15 yrs so it's gonna be hard on me but I know it's toxic & not good for me.

[@Cy-bz9jh]

get one of those composition books and start writing from the beginning. It doesn't have to stay in any kind of order, just whatever pops into your head (that time I got whiplash because my head whipped around so fast after I heard him say "we're so happy"). Just write it all down. Keep it and read some anytime you think about contacting or if you get contacted, read it once in a while just because, keep writing things in it. (I'm getting to the reason) Keep reading different parts and keep writing. Because YOU were in love and your brain will want to bring up the pleasant parts for the rest of your life (not a much as time goes by but it doesn't really go completely away sorry). When you feel like it's all written and read and you get to a good place, just put it up on a shelf. Because someday... someday that zombie hoover will come out of nowhere. Mine came after 25 years of complete no contact. And I fell for it. Then - After a horribly horrible 4 years I escaped. It was brutal. Worse than the first time. So.... I wish I had written it all down the first time. I would have remembered better. I would have changed my name, number, moved house as far away as possible and Refused to respond. After 25 years, I had forgotten. They come back as Zombies that want to eat your brains and then walk all over you. Find the best life you can. When the Zombies come, because they will, READ that book and block their number, move, whatever it takes. Do not even let your guard down for an instant.

[@meraysumpter8329]

I think I'm picking up what you're putting down Lee... All relationships at first go through that "love puppy"/ "honeymoon phase" but eventually life happens, reality hits and shit gets real. So naturally a traditional relationship will simmer down but not die out... BUT, in a relationship with a Narcissist the relationship starts with the "honeymoon phase" and when things naturally start to simmer down the Narcissist in a way takes offense and possibly blames their partner for why the relationship isn't exactly the same way it was when they 1st got together. That alone could easily trigger the Narcissist into feeling betrayed, tricked, lied too, ect... & we all know that EVERYTHING goes to hell in a hand basket from there! Am I on the right track with understanding this topic???... 🤷

[@mandinamilosevic]

For me it was a part of the healing to tell him that we never had a real relationship. And that I dont Think he will eher have.

[@realliving7340]

Same here

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Same. But any of my sentiments were dismissed by him. Lacking empathy, he simply couldn't care.

[@maryheiser311]

There is a difference between love and happiness. When a narc is happy it is because their game is going well and they are getting the supply they need. What they are in love with is themself and the empowerment they feel in making you feel they love and care about you. The love bombing phase is to gain admiration, get you hooked on who you think they are, that they love you, etc. The only thing they love is themself, their addictions, winning at their game and the validation they get from their supply source(s). All of the 30+ years I spent with my ex-narc were fake. Unfortunately the new supply fell for his game within a couple months of meeting. No one who is real can “fall in love” with another person that quickly. Also, getting someone to marry them that quickly is empowering to the narc and also validation of their view of the wonderfulness of who they think they are - fits in with their “WOW Look at me” mentality.

[@debimary6812]

I think they reel you in quickly before you find out their past. Too late your involved with them then. Every new relationship they enter they'll always be running, fearing it'll catch them up.

[@thenotsostarvingartist]

Ugh, this was one of the most helpful videos you’ve made. I’ve been so depressed for over a year now. The last text I sent was exactly “was any of it real?” I neeeeed to remember that he just had no ability to regulate his emotions like an adult. He grew up in an extremely toxic scenario, and I could tell he would often be confused by his own mind. But I need to stop feeling sorry for this person, or try to continue to people please. How you explain that ledge thing is how he exactly described his marriage too. It’s a lot like drinking - that first drink feels awesome, but once you start to come down, a second, third, or fourth won’t get you back to that first high. Thank you for this one.

[@MentalHealness]

you got it

[@anitarushlow4022]

In my opinion, there is no ability for the narc to be in a healthy, real relationship....beginning, middle or end. So the simple answer to your question is No. You talk about "the beginning"....but no relationship actually exists. The "beginning" you speak of is merely the narc needing to get a boat load of narc supply. Based on the criteria for this particular personality disorder, the narc is incapable of a true relationship. They are all about themselves. Self-serving, self-centered, self-absorbed...whatever you want to call it. Sad but true. Thanks for your videos.

[@MoKurls]

I never felt it was real. At my wedding day he cried but I didn’t because I never felt it was real. I married him because I wanted it to be real and my love for him outweighed my self love for myself. I learned that you can’t outlove a narc and the best thing you can do is leave.

[@imabeloveddaughter]

There need for real love is real. But they reject us the ones who can do it, because we boring. And there egotistical with lust

[@anndra1160]

Yes, it was all "real". The abuse, the isolation, the lies... Even though the ex narc may deny these things, may say I'm "crazy" and none of those things happened, I KNOW they did and yes it was REAL!!! Enough said.

[@KisweBeauty]

It does help me to know that it wasn’t all fake but still. I wish he would have left alone when I told him so. Why trap someone if you won’t be able to give what the person needs…

[@talkoholic13]

The only way you can be trapped as if you fall for the trap.

[@KisweBeauty]

@@talkoholic13 not always. Some people take advantage of good hearted people.

[@KisweBeauty]

@Amanda K yes definitely! Thank God I was only 2 months in the relationship when I realized he was no good. But even if it was only 2 months, this time I can’t get it back. At least I’m healing. Soon, he will be forgotten. I’m so baffled at how they think. Like you said they see us as objects they are no good.

[@redleeks6253]

Listen to HG Tudor and you'll understand much better the narcissistic mindset. Listen the videos about primary and secondary supply, shelf dynamic etc.

[@KisweBeauty]

@@redleeks6253 thank you I will look into that!!🙏🏽

[@violetashen]

what we had was pretty intense. when we first touched, i felt a literal jolt of electricity go through my body. i didn’t believe it until later he mentioned to me feeling that when we first toughed. he said he’d never felt it with anyone else. i hadn’t either. man we could’ve been something if he wasn’t like this.

[@suekaiser4163]

"It will never be as good as it was in the beginning"...WOW WOW WOW....enough reason to never, ever, ever give a narcissistic the time of day. The beginning is sooo very short in marriage and in most relationships. That hurt and it sucks. Thanks for the punch between the eyes 😮😮😮. Run, run, run, as fast as you can.

[@dolphanierichards2501]

That really was a wow statement

[@BZ-ez2nl]

By far the absolute best episode to date. Thank you Lee Your transparency is genuine and appreciated.

[@MentalHealness]

I appreciate it

[@Meilanashay]

Hey were you on a crime TV show? looks like I seen you on an episode of the crime series For My Man lol Season 5 Episode 11

[@June_cafa]

I dont think any relationship ever gets back to the “lovebombing” “honeymoon stage”

[@Reclusive_Butterfly]

It doesn't. They only do enough to keep you once they've shown you their real self. Staying with a narcissist to them means you accept all the things they do, especially the bad and mistreatment. Staying and accepting mistreatment is like giving them the green light to continue and let's them know "its okay." In thinking it's easier to tolerate a non physical abuser. I'm currently going through divorce and I would have been h*micide victim, k*lled myself or been institutionalized if I have stayed nexus he was abusive, violent, sadistic, alcoholic narcissist. Everytime you leave them it worst. I was eventually pretty much only allowed to go to work and when I worked from home it was hell- trapped. The control was obsessive. It took a while but I finally left and got therapy. It was a "soul tie" and trauma bond. You look forward to that little glimmer of peace after negative encounter- keeps your addictive and makes the smallest gesture look like they're giving you the world. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. A person that continually hurts you does not love you- period. Love is not pain, nor confusion. Hardest pills to swallow. Your love for them is real, but theirs is an illusion, what they believe love is. The only thing their consistent at, is being inconsistent. You'll eventually learn their patterns of you stay long enough, they actually become predictable, because it's a game, they just look for responses. I almost lost my life staying with my husband, he was arrested. Had I not been a fighter, I would've perished. I do not recommend staying with these individuals because majority of them are not aware, and they believe they physiological disorders are normal. It's dangerous. I could not literally d*e just to love someone.

[@WR12974]

Yes, I initially believed I was in a real relationship until a few months after we got married that I began noticing behaviors. They’d act really lovey dovey putting on a show of affection and adoration in front of company and the second we were alone, their whole demeanor would change, smile gone, face stoic, reverting to something abnormal. I asked myself if I was in a fake marriage time and time again, but would quickly sweep it under the rug. And yea, few years down the drain only to realize it was as fake as it gets. To add, we also got married quickly, not nearly enough time to know them.

[@dalelerette206]

I just deleted one 'so-called' friend. He would often ask for things and seek friendship. But when I needed things he was never to be found. Or he would have an excuse why he could not do it. I tend to be very passive and very helpful. He considered me a dumbass that he could use. The only thing I respect is when people reciprocate genuine kindness in proportion to what they are gifted with. I have a LOT of gifts so I give a LOT of gifts. If someone I give to does not have much, I do not expect much in return. We need to reciprocate energy in proportion to what we are given. Some silent prayers of love are a hidden prophecy fulfilled. 💝

[@secretname742]

I believe you. My narcissist ex also told me that when he told those girls that he loves them, he really feels it. But once that feeling is gone, it really can't be back anymore. he already had a lot of girlfriends before. And it only lasted for a short time. He said he didn't really fool them. He was feeling it when he was saying it in the beginning.

[@jerrylharbin]

I married my narcissistic husband 2 months after knowing him. I was 21 and he was 43 I was IN LOVE (truly) and from the beginning nothing he told me was true. I figured out a lot about him 3 years into our marriage. I appreciate everything my marriage taught me and I just hope he’s ok

[@ilovepizza4]

There's power dynamics with large age gaps. I'm sorry. That's tough.

[@jerrylharbin]

@@ilovepizza4 thank you, I am still processing everything that’s happened. We’ve only been separated 9 months and I begin my divorce process next week. I’ve got a lot to unpack but I’ll be ok. I look at things (that don’t work out) as learning experiences and I know that pain I feel will be replaced by knowledge and “game” lol

[@ilovepizza4]

@@jerrylharbin Make sure you have support! Use your resources. My last ex was 23 years older than me. You probably really want to understand narcissists better before proceeding. You've got to brace yourself and be familiar with how they operate.

[@jerrylharbin]

@@ilovepizza4 we were married for 6 years, we’ve never consummated our marriage he cheated on me, I hate the proof he can’t get me for spousal support. This should be easy but Im not going in there cocky because I don’t know what to expect

[@ilovepizza4]

@@jerrylharbin The mind games and tactics go much deeper than you think. It's up to you. Just speaking off of my experience and others in the group I'm in. Wishing you the best of luck.

[@CLS51]

It’s not real caring towards their target in the love bombing phase. They are on a high from narcissistic supply, idealizing the person & so idealizing themselves, mirroring the target to get them to fall for the narc, it’s still all self serving and completely fake. It is not real caring about the individual.

[@kimr9378]

Thank you for the perspective. It wasn't 28 years of wasted time with my sister. My takeaway is it was rather her behavior has been enabled and normalized in my family. The good was genuine but because of her own mental setbacks, she cannot take accountability for where she's at in her mental health journey. I don't need to put myself in her path to drown me along side her though either. Thank you, Lee.

[@rfield3404]

Perfect!! I did 35 yrs with my sister, grew up with narc mom,married 20yrs to narc husband, finally realized sister narc during the last couple yrs. She was my best friend. I love her afar now. I didn't realize for a very long time that my confidant was a narc as well. A lot of time in these relationships WAS real I've finally understood that and feels so much better than the shock of "nothing was real for most of all my life". These narcs are sick. And very capable of causing such trauma. But when I finally understood that, I can see these people as ill rather than the trauma of "none of all this time was actually real." Not sure how to explain it but it gets better. I promise.

[@dlsmiles]

​@@rfield3404 Exactly! They are human beings we cannot just throw them in the trash when they're family & close friends! Watching and learning about Narc & Toxic behavior has helped me to deal with them so much easier. Not on a daily basis, I can still love them from over here. I just cannot be around all them time like I was before. It's a illness for sure, but I will not accept the abuse any longer. ❤

[@nowfree31]

Thank you, Lee. This was very helpful. I originally believed that none of our 31 years together was real, but this perspective helps with healing. Thinking I wasted all 31 years was too painful to digest. Thank you for helping me understand the thoughts of a narcissist.

[@MentalHealness]

you’re welcome 🙌🏾

[@tptarh]

I don't think you wasted those years, they love you for what you are for them a source of what they value most energy and attention. You loved them for your own reasons but it's important to understand I think that they didn't choose to be like that. It's a defence mechanism they acquired dealing with their life situations throughout life. They are sick people yes. Disturbed and unhappy. Not capable to have a fair mutual relationship. Yes, you can't have it with them, but they on the other hand can't have it with nobody. If you see it as a disability then it's easier to find compassion for them. And then it's easier to move on

[@OolongG952]

Thank you so much for your videos and encouraging words. It helps us understand that it was not our fault. And that we weren’t the messed up ones. You give us strength to go forward and pick up the pieces in our lives! May God continue to bless you and inspire you to help others 🤎🙏🏾🤎🙏🏾🤎🙏🏾

[@merry8092]

I see him around town from time to time. His immediate expression and reaction tells me so much. I wish things could be different when we both feel this so strongly.

[@monajoylopezplasket1474]

First of all thank you for this session! I suddenly understand how narcissistic people love being single and have a job that takes them from home for a week or two. They find someone to attach to for the time their there, and then they leave and ghost you because they have moved on to the next city. The first week is always the best and then they know they are leaving the next week so the distancing has begun. So if you're also narcissistic then you would say ok and look for the next week long relationship. You need to go into the relationship with the understanding that you know its just til the newness wears off

[@vanessaschlund]

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this message. I spent over 30 years with a covert narcissist. We have kids and grandkids together. As I am healing from all this, I often wondered if I just wasted my entire life loving a man who never loved me back. At least I now have a better understanding of it now. Thank you

[@Eddonis84]

This is confusion because if you not being yourself in the beginning then it is fake

[@teresaborbon3895]

I was with my husband for 28yrs. And it was REAL BS.

[@MentalHealness]

😞😞

[@stacylaurencarridine1563]

The Narc loved you to the best of their ability. The honeymoon phase is what a narcissist continuously chase. When it time to put in the work the Narcissist is out. The narcissist is overdosing you when he/she brings you up then down repeatedly causing you to mentally feel like u on an endless roller coaster ride.

[@straykittsco.950]

I believe what you are saying is true in alot if not most cases. I was with my ex for 5 yrs and it seemed real until I found out alot of things he was saying and doing behind my back then I realized all was an act in front of me. When I told my daughter I feel like he truly never loved me and it was all a scam to live off of someone my daughter told me that looking from the outside in she truly feels like he did love me, but he loved me to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, his ability was very low.

[@kimvannote5024]

They're very immature - full of shame, so, arrested developmentally from Trauma. Stuck. Addicts looking for a fix.

[@trasation1774]

This was very good Lee, thx. Thank you for that explanation. 😌 I hated always having to look over my shoulder because I didn't know which version I was going to get on daily to an hourly basis. I felt like I was doing karate. I got better in the defense but because I don't like the game, it was EXHAUSTING...I've been gone for 2 years and I am surprised that I am STILL TIRED.🙄

[@Reubin2878]

It was 'REAL-ly' an incredible fake

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Thank you for this video. I think it was real in the start too. I mean...who puts that kind of effort into faking liking someone else and spending all that time with them? However... its the bits that come later... totally unreasonable, selfish behavior and the willingness to lie and hurt the person they were meant to love

[@nathalievriesde1930]

I was with an alcoholic and recognize many of the narcisistic traits. This video also discribes his behavior on point.

[@MentalHealness]

😩😩 stay safe

[@CrazyCandy5]

Yes my ex narc lied about who he really is since the beginning. Years later truth was coming out when I reached his sister and told him about it and others things came out to light. He is a complete stranger that I know nothing about. His excuse was he was trying to protect himself which made no sense at all when I questioned it.

[@rfield3404]

Yup. Strangers. I went to bed one night with him years ago and suddenly shot straight up realizing the person asleep in my bed was a total stranger...we had been married 15 yrs. The next day, I had banished him to the basement and installed a keyed lock on my bedroom door. 3 yrs later... Took a few years but my kids and I are finally free....kinda. He just plays the silent game and refuses to coparent now. (Which is horrible but SO much better than what we lived with!) Yes, they LITERALLY ARE strangers. I had "known" him my entire adult life, had 2 kids, 2 houses, multiple cars, etc. The ONE thing I didn't know?! The man I had been married to for 20 yrs. 😔

[@fenlandwildlifeclips]

For every one person who calls you a devil, there are at least 1000 thanking you for all that you do..Re your mountain analogy: the hardest part of mountain climbing is the descent.

[@ambersanford5173]

Wow... this video is deep. Is Anyone Ever good enough for a narcissist to stay "in love" with?

[@MentalHealness]

I’m not certain

[@tickety-bootoyou1850]

Seems as though they have an idealized version of us, a fantasy of how they want us to be, and once we deviate from that script, then it goes downhill. That's why it's not REAL because if they're in love, they're not in love with the real us, and at the same time they're not showing us the real them (I hope that makes sense).

[@rfield3404]

No. They are literally not capable of feeling most of the emotions that come with "love". Kinda like you might know a sentence or 2 from Spanish class but you definitely can't speak it. That's how I think of narcissistic "love".

[@carolynforge8586]

I think narcissists have more than one personality if you're wondering who is going to show up today.

[@MentalHealness]

😞😞

[@donnahale1011]

I tell u just listening 2 this Lee is CONFUSING but thank u for explaining!!!! This is y I will NEVER GO BACK 2 THE EX NARC they HAVE MAJOR ISSUES...How can u have a successful relationship with a narc...U CAN'T SO LEAVE THEM BE!!!

[@sheilamelchiorre9706]

Thank you for this video!!! This video helps me to feel better about the whole relationship. Thinking everything was fake is soul crushing! So knowing that it was real in some aspect makes it a little easier to accept

[@rboyle5148]

This video was life-changing. It is the most helpful video I’ve ever watch. This exact topic has tortured me but I feel so much better now about everything. Thank you for your insight.

[@claytonjohn6473]

narcissists could lie, use, manipulate. All they remember is the one measly nice thing they did which probably in their mind had a gain or convenience. when looking back they bock out the negative

[@MentalHealness]

💯💯

[@consolewench6639]

Dealing with this. "I did that only a few times... You don't give me credit when I dont" Like ... Sorry only doing the bare minimum of basic decency 4/10 times isn't laudable. :/

[@judygregg1852]

Thank you sooo much, Lee! God bless you!

[@MentalHealness]

You’re welcome.

[@tlcfitcoach]

My ex narcissist after 20 years is duplicating our relationship with his new girlfriend and we're not even divorced yet. You're right all the things I asked for he is doing with her. It hurt at first then I realized its his pattern and it has nothing to do with me. I was just a casualty and booster on his way up.

[@magdalenamlodozeniec9537]

Your honesty deserves a medal. Thank You💚

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

I appreciate this conversation. Thank you. I do however wanna add that the malignant narcissist -also known sometimes as a psychopath - it is all fake, and it is purposeful for a goal assertation. The TV series Dirty John depicts this rather well.

[@cynthiar7918]

Thank you Lee, your explanation just goes to show how much we really don’t know about the experience from your side.

[@patricialopez3275]

I agree, you’ll never have the beginning again. Especially cause after you’ve seen who they really are, you can’t any longer trust them

[@merveilleux7426]

No confusion here we got you Lee🤣 we re slamming with our brains but i got all this since 23 years now i m in a happy place and can help people

[@justrachel4496]

I think one of my parents was narcissistic, although it's possible his issues came from a different mental health condition. I genuinely believe he showed me real moments of affection where he considered my feelings and made specific choices to try to make me happy. However, it is also true that he treated me in ways he knew were wrong and was unwilling to change. Both things can be true at the same time. It is not necessary for me to believe that he was devious and heartless every moment of my life in order for me to recognize that he was on the whole not a safe person for me to be raised by.

[@trixonic6934]

There’s so many indenial narcissists out there like me and it’s refreshing to have someone as open and real as you

[@kulanifernandez3668]

Thank you for your explanation. It’s been 3 years and he ghosts me constantly and it hurts so he’s trying to make me feel as badly as he does. Makes sense. 😊

[@jessewilson451]

Glad I found these episodes. I absolutely felt none of it was real, some days I still do. That will make you doubt yourself. Still trying to move on and these insights help immensely. How you describe the patterns and what I experienced is spot on. At least now I know I'm not alone or crazy.

[@MentalHealness]

🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@andrewcicchetti]

So, what you are saying is that a narcissist might feel good as a result of the love-bombing phase, but that they are essentially perpatrating a fraud with some level of awareness.

[@talkoholic13]

He literally said that they display outwardly what is happening internally. I know it feels better if it the whole thing seems like a setup and a plan but I don't think so. It doesn't even matter if they might feel good or they're perpetrating a fraud that still implies that the entire thing is manipulated and removes any accountability from yourself. At the same time, you thought that you would be able to love someone into a different person so aren't you projecting your internal reality onto the external? How is anyone better than the other?

[@annaa6259]

Yes! Its a love fraud!

[@FaithMcCaffrey]

Its good to hear about narssacism from a narssacist themselves in a calm manner. Ive started to hate the "youtube therapists" who talk about narssacism and cant really give an insight as such, just describe what they do and how that makes the non narssacist feel. So its refreshing to hear the thought process and feelings involved in an impartial manner. I just had an argument with my husband and ive actively tried to argue differently, instead of screaming and shouting im trying to talk calmly but he hasnt done the same thing. He has a defensive tone then gets sarcastic and starts verbally attacking me with stuff thats not even relevant to the argument. When he finally told me what i wanted to know (how many people had he cheated on me with and how far he went with each person) which took 10 minutes of his time to tell me, he dragged out the argument to just under 24 hours.

[@kimnelson4266]

Thank you very much for this video Lee. Helps so much to hear the truth. The lies are the worst part. May God bless you and release you from your bondage. The truth will set you free!! You are a very big man to do what you do & it is admireable. Thanks again!

[@yogib8]

Being involved with these folks is NOT a relationship, it’s a toxic situation ship … In my mind I actually thought I was building a relationship with him , only to have it always destroyed . It took me some years to realize that this was going absolutely nowhere … I finally asked for Divorce … I wanted out, I wasted enough of my precious time on such a casual person .., 5:22

[@alimushtaq2589]

When dealing with the question of the relationship being real and you saying , "it can be damn near debilitating." "It can be heartbreaking." Um I think Lee waives any license for empathy considering Lee's disorder leaves him unable to have empathy for others. If you by nature don't have empathy for others, I really don't think it makes sense for anyone who doesn't have this disorder to have to reciprocate any empathy for you. That's some pretty advanced making yourself a victim right there. Kudos. lol If what defines human beings is to experience empathy, are narcissists worthy of compassion?