Why are relationships so difficult? (yet still so important for autistic people)

CHANNEL LINKS:
Patreon: / aspergersfromtheinside
Facebook: / aspergersfromtheinside
Twitter: / aspiefrominside
Written Blog: aspergersfromtheinside.com/
More Videos: / aspergersfromtheinside
Email: [e-mail]
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [e-mail]
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

[@verabolton]

"If I talk slowly I forget what I am saying" - man, I can relate to that big time !!! :D

[@liaml.a.]

If I ramble I'll forget like it didnt happen

[@danielturner9438]

Haha nailed it

[@sugarcaneplain2097]

💁🏽😌 omg so true 🤦🏾 😂

[@southlondon86]

Same!

[@jackschubert1045]

When people tell you to talk slower 😥😥😥😭😭

[@luifer.00]

I’m not even sure I’m autistic but I know something is off about me, people treat me so oddly and relationships are definitely a struggle for me

[@CrownedMeadow]

LAF 98 🤗 Hugs, and best wishes for finding out for sure. ☺️

[@luifer.00]

Leigh Pope thank you (:

[@CrownedMeadow]

LAF 98 My pleasure. 😊

[@lithiumx0x]

I feel the same.

[@sunset6920]

I just watch these videos because I relate to them the most 😂

[@chrisblais2016]

I love that you don’t edit the heck out of your videos. It’s very helpful to see someone work through their thoughts in a way that I do. I really like your videos. Thank you!

[@eshiboo]

I second this! I hope you keep making your videos without editing. It really normalizes the fact that some people NEED TIME TO THINK and that's okay!

[@yazajag]

Yes, this was refreshing.

[@livb6945]

Completely agree!!

[@tamberjune]

Same here

[@melanierobson3336]

Agreed. I really appreciated this. Happens to me and I get embarrassed and frustrated when I lose what I was trying to communicate. It's nice to see someone similarly human. Thank you for sharing it.

[@gabis1356]

That initial bounding, the getting to know someone is quite challenging for me. Cause it's so exhausting having to tell people about my past and things about me over and over again!!

[@Waitwhat469]

I agree so much with this. I thought online dating would help more, but even when I write a book about myself people seem to want to still do all of the "how do you" parts.

[@nickkellie]

yes, thats why I stopped dating. Its like groundhog day each time!

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

I stopped giving my bio- history - Bio Histories don’t create relationships - shared experiences, do.

[@SandraWade666]

That is the case no matter whether you're NT or HFA. Lol. I often think it might be better to have a flyer I hand to my date w info about me

[@sarita79]

Same!

[@lauriejean9306]

The issue is when you don't have fear of intimacy, and you are ready to compromise and do all the things that a relationship requires, but people just aren't interested because you seem awkward because you have autism...

[@Wario1382]

Good ol disability discrimination

[@elierry]

The quick realization of loneliness in this buzzing world, it's like a sudden fall into a black hole, it's a lonely time in silence and darkness. I enjoy my time alone. But the realization of loneliness hurts, a lot. Next year, 24 and friendless. You know, you have thousands of people around you, the whole world, and yet you feel alone.

[@davidsherman8382]

And yet you are surrounded by lonely people. You're not alone in feeling alone.

[@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849]

Deciding if I even _want_ a relationship is hard

[@serversurfer6169]

If you keep wondering, you probably do… ✊🤓💜

[@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849]

@@serversurfer6169 Nope, it's because I keep getting harassed and told that I need one. I've already come to terms with the fact that I don't and it's not necessary

[@serversurfer6169]

@@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849 Welp, fair enough! 💜😅👍

[@darkstrifequeen1458]

i honestly feel you there. i don't even know how to fall in love with anyone. and our society puts too much pressure on us with this crap is what's really painful.

[@Catlily5]

You can't fall in love if you are on certain antidepressants.

[@jbr84tx]

All I can say is that most enjoyable times in my life have been when I've been alone.

[@phoebeladlow]

Agreed

[@cc6861]

I have thought this thought to. But then I need to tell myself I want a choice to say if I want to be alone or I want company, not for the other people to dictate that I'm no good in relationships and I'm meant to be alone. I want to have the tools to be able to have two choices instead of only being alone. I like very much being alone, but I don't want to live in a bubble for the rest of my life. Always living in my parents house, always being taken care of. Not being independent. So as difficult as a relationship is, I really need to seek out the training or courses that teach me how to communicate with other human beings. Its something I will have to learn in a safe environment, where I am not ridiculed because I don't understand something. Yes, I want a choices.

[@southlondon86]

Same

[@uthman1114]

Same

[@isimonsez]

How boring

[@mariangarratt5938]

I do not get “close” relationships. Gave up 40 years ago. I have one main “emotion” it’s OVERWHELM. I can only feel like myself when alone. I do enjoy my life and my cat seems to love me. It is easy to make her happy. Mostly I relate to other people who need help desperately because they are old or ill and passed by

[@4Nevyn]

Same here. I hate myself when i am with others. Because I feel "weird", "odd" constantly. I also have a cat. 2 actually. I am most happy with her.

[@isimonsez]

Asperger folk make good cat people. Cats don’t require much

[@steveneardley7541]

I have a great need for friendships, but like my own space and my own freedom too much to want an intimate relationship. I have occasionally thought I SHOULD want an intimate relationship, but eventually I had to admit to myself that I don't want one and never did. It kinda pisses me off that people think there's something wrong with that.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Cat's dont "love" you. You have it trapped in your home and it obeys. If that's love sheesh fucking pathetic.

[@etcwhatever]

​@@isimonsezim a dog person. Theyre so sweet ❤

[@drlarrymitchell]

The answer, my man, lies in the root word in "relationship": "relate"... and I don't.

[@CrownedMeadow]

Dr. Larry Mitchell 😪 This breaks my heart. I love an Aspie, and he doesn’t relate either, and I don’t even care. I think he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and it hurts me to know that he suffers alone and absolutely cannot, and will not ask for help (or even a formal diagnosis). It’s painful to watch when all you want to do is be good to them. 💔

[@kiradelarochefoucauld7499]

But You just did! Like Aphex Twin is only one guy. An enigma/illusion representation of soul is Relationship. Ever -changing hologram reflecting ripples in the stream of consciousness. Not a telescope mirror looking for alien life.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

If a person chooses not to relate- How do you think you’re ‘ helping’ the person by shoving them to be more in tube with you ? It’s disrespectful to over ride another persons’ life style paradigms.

[@nikkistephens427]

Could you do a video on autism and a tendency towards co-dependent relationships, trauma bonding, or the person on the spectrum being used/ abused? Thank you!

[@kellynichols3124]

I love this request

[@Pinedirt_]

i get sooo tired of other people in general. even if it's not a super close relationship i just get so tired trying to hold up the relationship

[@isimonsez]

What a tragic life to relish loneliness

[@nicksanders9148]

it's okay, i feel like that too! try doing work outs for energy

[@cassiebennet4262]

Ikr. People and their expectations. Why would anyone expect me to treat them like they actually existed? It's all about me and being a victim. People should just tip toe around narci I mean autistic people.

[@Arkhs]

I think the biggest difficulty I have is just in the moment processing. I can't respond in a timely fashion in even a semi optimal way. I constantly have to apologise later down the line for misunderstandings. Local overconnectivity global underconnectivity of neurons basically says it all. It just takes too long for the bigger picture to sink in. Time and space really does help. Edit: Case in point I took the title and question too literally and only just now got what you meant.

[@maleahjacobs9678]

Same here.

[@CrownedMeadow]

Alex Talbot Question RE: “time and space helps”. I need help deciphering a specific incident, if you wouldn’t mind. I had a phone call with my Aspie friend that ended unexpectedly and abruptly, and three weeks later I’m still trying to understand how/why he jumped to such a conclusion, took such offense, and reminded me of how he has been telling me that “there’s no good ending” to us..... whatever “us” even is. Any chance I could explain it to you in more detail and get your take on it? I’m pretty adept at reading Aspie cues and understanding the general mindset, but I honestly can’t tell if he ACTUALLY wants to disconnect from me entirely, or if it’s just too much pressure for him and he needs a break. And how long of a break should I expect him to need? Etc etc etc.... I don’t know if he’s just discouraged and I should go after him, or if he really doesn’t want me as a friend anymore. The not knowing is torture.

[@Arkhs]

@@CrownedMeadow The time and space I referred to in my comment was mostly about in specific interactions. Like I do best meeting new people with a person I already know. They give me a buffer time to collect my thoughts before replying. If I'm trying to do anything else or I'm deep in thought I often have to make the choice between being a friendly person and actually getting shit done as they pull from the same mental resources. Neurotypicals have more idiosyncrasies than they give themself credit for and masking is just draining. The background thoughts whilst trying to be social drastically increase the time between hearing some thing and being able to reply. So I usually panic and blurt out a half digested thought or whatever my childish subconscious thinks. (I often think of neurotypicals as children trapped in an adults mind and autists as adults trapped in children's minds at least when it comes to thin slice judgements and quick reactions) With regards to your specific problem. I don't think I have enough information to make an informed decision. However I think the advice I gained from this channel is solid. Let them know that you're still open to connection and that you want a connection but there is no pressure on them to reciprocate. Maybe briefly clear up the misunderstanding in your message based on what it actually was. Then just forget it until they contact you. If they dont contact you then I think regardless of neurotypical or neurodivergent if someone wants you out of their life there isn't much you can do but accept it.

[@angiea8022]

Sadly, you are probably dealing with a narcissist in your relationship.

[@religiohominilupus5259]

@@angiea8022 Let's not jump to conclusions without having enough info. Besides, even professionals familiar with Cluster B disorders couldn't diagnose someone without a thorough assessment. Armchair psychology can be a dangerous feat.

[@Touay.]

Sincere question; How can I be 'friends' with anyone when I have no idea if they want me around? When you perceive no positive feedback to your presence, and do not wish to impose yourself on anyone, what opportunity is there? And yes I know you can ask, but people are polite and do not tell the truth, and if they are saying one thing with the words but expecting me to 'get the hint', a hint I am never gong to get ....... I can't work out a strategy.

[@reylime2991]

Eventually they blame you for not getting the hint too. I hate when people get passive aggressive but expect you to know why. It’s very cowardly. Makes me want to do it back to spite them but i try not to stoop to their level.

[@Touay.]

@@reylime2991 Sadly people are often unable to adapt to what the aspie needs. So much of the NT communication is subconscious for them, that they are not aware of how to adapt their 'signalling' so the aspie can perceive it. hence why I have given up. I'd like to think I could meet a nice girl who gets it, but I guess I am getting too old for that to happen.

[@backpropagated]

My strategy is to not care. I interact with people in a way that seems appropriate in general, and ignore their potential feelings towards me specifically. After a while, I give small compliments for something outside of their identity, like complimenting something they made, did, bought, etc. I generally avoid complimenting looks, personality, or attributes that could be core to their identity (like "you work so hard!" is too invasive IMO, but "dang you worked so hard!" seems to go over better more often, because you're commenting on an action rather than their identity). If they give you compliments occasionally, then you're now 'friends' to some degree. To me there are different levels of friendship, and you have determine where your friendship is based on what kind of interactions you have: level 0: There is no friendship. they're cold towards you, they give short answers to your questions, they don't elaborate much, they show no enthusiasm when talking to you, they don't joke around with you level 1: They're aquantences. They might start conversations with you, they're generally nice, they give some details when asked 'how was your weekend?'. level 2: They're preferred aquantences. These would be the people at work/school you might sit with at lunch. They're happy to tell you about their weekend and they want to hear about yours. Interactions can frequently be humours with them. They might lightly tease you occasionally. They'll help you out with minor things. Level 3: They're friends. You might go do stuff outside of work/school together as a group with other friends. They care about your wellbeing and will try to cheer you up during bad times. They might put considerable effort into helping you out with no expectation of reward. Also includes stuff from level 2. Level 4: They're good/best friends. You hang out one on one somewhat frequently. You can text them out of the blue and ask if they want to play video games with you, go get lunch together, etc. Keep in mind, though, that everyone is different and most people aren't looking for friendships. The frequency of unplanned interactions with someone is more impactful towards building a friendship than anything you can control. Work, school and hobbies tend to be the main source of friendships because of this.

[@alexong2542]

In dating, it's even worse. How am I supposed to understand the concept called "chemistry"? How could I know if I had a chemistry with a person? The only thing that determines whether I like a person or not depends on our compatibility rate. The more compatible we are, the more I like the person. The less compatible we are, the less I like the person. It's just that simple. I'm perplexed by some of my dates refusing to meet me on a second date, when we match nearly 90%.

[@backpropagated]

@@alexong2542 Oof, yeah chemistry is so hard. I haven't been able to recreate it since, but one time I had a very fun and free flowing conversation with a girl. It seemed like talking to each other made both of us happy. I think that might be "chemistry"

[@allanmaple4676]

Relationships are essential. We don't need to be close to another person all the time. The more intimate a relationship, the more difficult it becomes.

[@marksumbler2021]

After my last catastrophe of an attempt at being social, all it did was remind me that I can't human very well and it is pointless even trying.

[@ebufi7957]

Catastrophe is big word. I hope you heal fast. Sometimes being social is like learning to ride a bike. What is life but an adventure.

[@eshiboo]

@@ebufi7957 How incredibly invalidating. Being social is not like riding a bike, because a bike doesn't make you crash on purpose just because you don't hold the handle bars the way most people do. "Life is an adventure" sounds like just some platitude that someone with unacknowledge privilege would say. If your life is an adventure then good for you. But not everyone is so fortunate.

[@ebufi7957]

@@eshiboo you are right, when you learn to ride a bike you crash.

[@CrownedMeadow]

Mark Sumbler Nooo, don’t give up. Please don’t give up. Do your best to explain “you” to them. Some of us really do want to understand. ☺️😊

[@johnhalder6599]

I gave up long ago.forget all the "be positive" bullshit.that DOESNT apply to us!

[@dontmindme1681]

I understand what you're saying about the importance of socialization. What I don't understand is why I am expected to keep burning myself on other people. No matter how much I change my behavior, it's never enough: I am always rejected eventually. So why go crawling back? Why bother trying to fix it when it'll just break again and again and again? Why the fuck should I waste my time with people who don't want me and never will?

[@brittanymachelle3415]

I’m so happy I have found your channel, my husband is an aspie and especially in moments of frustration I have found myself using your channel as a resource for myself to understand his point of view! ❤️

[@poromega6698]

Me too! My best friend has Aspergers and sometimes I just don't understand his behavior or autistic manners but this channel has made me understand him and his traits pretty well. I am very glad that I have found this channel.

[@shanecarubbi7864]

Your husband is a lucky man. I wish my wife would watch some of these videos. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 7 I'm now 37 and going through a very difficult divorce. The most difficult thing is I don't really understand why still.

[@brittanymachelle3415]

Shane Carubbi Thank you I really appreciate that, the communication barriers can make it really tough I know and I’m sorry your situation has ended in divorce but I send you all the positive vibes and hopefully when you find someone else they will be willing to meet you halfway and learn about aspergers! 🙂

[@braynhilton5300]

Thanks to everyone taking their time to read this testimony on how my son was saved from Autism. He was diagnosed four years ago, and he's just 6, I have tried several treatments and medications, nothing was working out, this got me frustrated and depressed. I kept praying and finally God answered my prayers when someone from youtube introduced me to this doctor from his home country and gave me his contact details. I called and explained my son's condition after which I made an order for his herbal remedy, he asked for my address and the next day I got a tracking number for a parcel sent to me through DHL and after four days I received my order. It was a liquid herbal medicine and a letter containing the instructions on how to use the herbs, I called him again to confirm and the next morning I started giving my son the herbs as instructed and after one week I noticed great improvement on my son and I continued until the herbs got finished and everything lasted for just one month and now my son is totally free from Autism, he can now talk clearly, behave normally and has no more seizures. If you've been searching for a genuine solution for Autism, connect with this honest Doctor on Whats App + ( 2 3 4 8 0 7 7 6 8 3 1 0 9 ).

[@yazajag]

@@braynhilton5300 Autism is NOT A DISEASE and CANNOT BE CURED. This is ridiculous. Stop trying to SCAM people. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!

[@carolinabergstrom5409]

I dropped my aspi after telling him that I don't accept him don't answering my messages and that it made me sad, and he kept doing it. I didn't feel that he hurt me intentionelly but I couldn't take it. 🙏

[@vegone8894]

I feel this!

[@lukecampbell801]

I wish more people understood that relationships can be very important to us. Most people seem to prefer believing it's just not a desire for us.

[@Jayzen528]

I found this very insightful. Relationships require being open to another person which means being emotionally vulnerable.That is the basis of trust and intimacy.

[@Catlily5]

We just need to be careful who we open up to and get to know people slowly. This can help us avoid the abusive people.

[@jenniferhendrix8462]

One word! Brilliant! Never in my life has anyone captured how I feel or perceive relationships like you did in this video! Happy tears! Oh my Lord! I needed to hear this and I appreciate you! BTW this was my first time discovering this channel. I couldn't sleep and searched "why is it hard for autistic people to let go". It's ironic that your video gave me the opposite of what I was searching for but exactly what I needed to develop tools to connect with others while honoring my unique needs. God bless you Sir!

[@TheOneTrueAJ]

Hugely relatable. Hits harder the second time watching. I think we AS people need to understand that we are not "typical " people so a "typical " relationship isn't for us. We have to be aware of that then not be afraid to express the boundary. We need our time dancing by ourselves!

[@lizycole8999]

I often sabotaged my budding relationships in the past because I was afraid I was getting 'too close' to the guy and then I panicked...that's actually NORMAL! .😭😭😭 thank you for this video, Paul

[@panicnow14]

I've taught myself how to be more social and approachable in recent years no matter how exhausting and overwhelming it can be. Early last year I reunited with an old friend from high school and over the course of the nect several months we had gotten very close. After they left a long relationship we eventually got even closer. The bonding was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I had never been able to be so candidly "me" around someone and still feel understood and respected. After some time we became romantically involved and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before, and harder than I probably had any right to. But it was justified in the moment. I was told I was their "one", as it were. I was called "marriage material" which absolutely shook me in a delightful way. Not into marriage as a concept but to feel that valued was beyond my comprehension almost. For the first time in any romantic bond I finally dropped all my guard and began to focus on my own motivation and ambition because I had a seemingly unshakable support system. Not too long after we had gotten romantically involved, though, they left like a ghost. Suddenly the nights filled with laughter and affection and taking care of their animals were dead silence. Even now I can't tell if how it ended was my fault or something I could have controlled. I know it's very unhealthy to dwell on the past and these questions for as long as I have but it's been such a confusing and emotionally tumultuous experience. I don't get attached to people like I had in this case. There are my peers and family to whom I'm always loyal but THIS was a passionate love in its rawest form and, while overwhelming, gave me undoubtedly some of the best and most peaceful days of my life. I never realized how shut off and cold I was and could be until after I had this experience. No matter how much I write or how I try to express how complex and profound these feelings are, nothing feels good or concise enough. Unfortunately I want something I know I can't have and while I wish them all the peace and happiness, I feel even colder and more on-guard than I could have been before this.

[@markhaus]

Same, but I kind of did it without knowing I was autistic until fairly recently. I can't be an armchair psychologist for other neurodivergent people but in my case at least it was possible to train myself to be somewhat confident in social situations. It sucked, and I hate that it doesn't come naturally for me, but it is better and there's some benefit to it when it didn't come naturally after learning. Because now I'm more capable of meta communication than people who take it for granted and this pretty great for relationships since communication is so important. In a few small cases we can turn our difference into strength

[@blissblitzing]

I really identify with your experience. I think the key lies in your sentence ...' I dropped all my guard and started focusing on all my own motivation and ambition because I had a seemingly unshakeable support system'. That is exactly what I did, several times, and soon lost that support. I think that people adjust to a relationship and think that's how it will be. They won't want the quite radical changes both you and I seem to have created with our ambitions once we felt secure. It would feel like egoism to our partners, wouldn't it?. Especially if we are women. 'Selfish' women who have needs!!!

[@panicnow14]

@@blissblitzing I should also mention that my partner has diagnosed autism whereas I don't have any formal diagnosis for any similar cognitive conditions Ironically enough we tried dating again these past couple months and it was much of the same in the end. Our interests just can't seem to meet on common ground.

[@blissblitzing]

@@panicnow14 Sorry to hear that.

[@mce3210]

Same the only difference is my wife abused the crap out of me non stop silent treatments cursing me always talking down…. But when she was nice she was really nice and I keep blaming myself for the breakup even though she doesn’t even let me SEE it TALK to my quadruplets at alll for already a year I still just blame myself and I have no energy to deal with lawyers and courts and stuff like that and I feel like I’m being laughed at constantly and for no reason… it’s insane I don’t even know what it means to actually feel “life”

[@reggiep75]

Mentally, I'm ticking boxes watching this and thinking 'Yeah, I enjoyed being on my own, I could control things better' but my relationships with people, my family and my ex-girlfriend were a massive weight on me and I struggled and I still do today. It's having connections you value and people who understand you and yet, things break down as people don't understand it, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, you struggle to understand until you realise 'I've been this way all along'.

[@sbsman4998]

Largest problem with relationships especially love in two words STRESS HEALTH. Bonding will end someday! Never underestimate effect of stress on immune system, it being a major killer, probably the largest contributor to overall decrease of Autistic lifespans ~~ Learn to be alone guilt free, but be kind to everyone ~~

[@cockycookie1]

Dude we aren't all that introverted, some of us need people!

[@michael-to7rn]

So true

[@aparnavt8761]

And the loneliness of the NT partner?? . I am down and suffering and fatigued beyond belief and have developed all sorts of stress disorders putting up with an asperger guy for 20 years. Zero emotional fulfillment in the relationship. I am destroyed. I would rather be dead. And I will be in another 10 years. Want to hold on for 20 , for the sake of seeing my daughter as an adult.

[@sampreston1791]

@@aparnavt8761 its not easy for ASD females (afab) with ASD men either. I understand what you are saying after 10+yrs. Trust me for an ASD 1 to go 10yrs with limited capacity for special interests, own space, having to carry the executive functioning for two and not be able to do your traits because they make his worse..... I'm now diagnosed fibromyalgia, in a serious long term asd burn out and barely functioning. I can't function enough to leave and nobody helps asd adults in the uk in any tangible way. To top it all, no professional you speak to understands the load or why you just can't ..... its basicly incomprehensible to them. That said I have been in a relationship with a real Narcissist and boy theres a world of difference, I didn't know myself with him, this is just hard work and I understand how much he's trying which means something.

[@demitriusyedlin2697]

It can be off and on somedays. Want to find someone, but keeping myself busy with work, exercise, and or video games helps keep the stress of loneliness down but it is a battle sometimes.

[@mariocondello2282]

I've been burned so much i'm toast bro.

[@jlroussin]

mario condello me too

[@melanierobson3336]

Yeah, I hear you. Still reeling from last relationship that ended 5 months ago. Screwed me right up.

[@erinwilson8478]

Love and peace to you 🥺

[@jasonalperin9167]

Same,I can sincerely relate,people have said I'm too serious,not vulnerable enough etc,I've been rejected burned soo much,that I cant take anymore,is why I've held back and just plain given up!!!!

[@chelseaayorindee]

PEOPLE ARE EVIL I TRUST NO ONE

[@orengejoshi]

My husband of almost 4 years now has actually made me feel like life is easier together. We're both autistic. To use the same metaphor, I feel SOOO comfortable dancing however I want to in front of and with him. I'd trust him literally blindly. Conflicts don't scare me at all and feel so natural with him. We need little space from each other which is perfect for me. But I'm here because he's the only person I've found on this planet so far with whom I feel that way (idek how I did that) ....and it seems to not be enough to fulfill me. He makes up the biggest part of my happiness and while I see him not only as a partner but also as a best friend, it's still a little different of course and I long for... friends. For some reason. And I can't find any because I seem to be a difficult person. At first I'm really easy and sociable but I ONLY value *close* friendships and getting deeper and deeper into that territory with anyone I get scared and struggle. This makes sense now. I don't wanna place all my burden and needs onto him alone. I never had such bad problems with making and keeping friends until my last friend messed me up. I keep on feeling the urge to run away. My husband seems to have such an easy time with his friends so I get advice and he kicks my butt to talk to mine sometimes bc I *know* it'll make me feel better but overcoming my brain telling me to isolate is hard. Anyway this was really helpful insight!

[@fionascheibel977]

It was only yesterday that i was telling my counsellor that im over being friends with anyone. They just make my life worse. They are not even friends it feels like. They are just people who's name i know. They only care about me when it is convenient for them.

[@TheCgOrion]

Maybe it should be over being friends with them. Don't close the door on everyone. There are people out there that will care, and make your life better.

[@Catlily5]

@@jlroussin Even we can learn to stay away from the wrong people. One thing that helps me is to get to know people slowly. That way I can start to see their true colors.

[@southlondon86]

@@jlroussin That is so true! That’s my exact life experience, attracting selfish people.

[@NidusFormicarum]

When you have never been able to take care of yourself and manage your life on your own, close relationships become extra challenging. Even though it may seem impossible to get them, if you do you, that might be what you need to really learn. I personally don't think you learn very much from social media relationships. You really need to meet people in person.

[@Catlily5]

I am on disability and found a partner. It is hard but not Impossible. I found another neurodivergent.

[@FilSapia]

Personally I've just stopped caring about relationships, I'm an extremely independent person so I'm happy where I am right now :)

[@southlondon86]

How is it going so far?

[@FilSapia]

@@southlondon86 I'd be lying if I said I never felt like having a partner. Normally it's friends I see with partners that makes me feel a little unfulfilled. However I keep reminding myself that there's always upsides and downsides to everything, even relationships. Ultimately I keep thinking to myself that my hobbies keep me entertained enough :)

[@fadwajapan6404]

Search for your solemate.

[@BruceTheSillyGoose]

@@fadwajapan6404 in reality, there aren't enough soulmates to go around.

[@rosshound2817]

It's tough to talk all the time to people that aren't empathetic nor understanding, that never give a step towards progress due to their ego, and later expecting to find someone that's just the opposite, It's just hard to believe that could happen, even more when it might be happening

[@CR-oc3vy]

I’m 25 and never had a romantic relationship or very close friendship despite desiring that every day and being ready for relationships. It feels like an impossibility for me, nobody will take the time to form a relationship and I can’t fit into dating it feels so empty and disappointing/frustrating. I just want to be cuddled, my nervous system is so out of whack after a lifetime of lonliness

[@CR-oc3vy]

I also can’t deal with gendered power dynamics, I feel like everyone wants to manipulate me and if I express that I need a certain level of care, I will be taken advantage of for being perceived vulnerable. I don’t think it’s possible to even get what I need or want as an autistic woman in love

[@CR-oc3vy]

Plus, neurotypical people at least think you’re odd if you never had relationships, making future relationships even less likely

[@shinygiveaways1920]

I think I could see the issue, that NT guys specifically might be able to manipulate you for your body and not for romance, seeing as you are an "easy target". Thats rough huh?

[@CR-oc3vy]

@@shinygiveaways1920 spot on, I am naive early on in situationships

[@narcismebelgie]

I hope you realize how wise you are ...

[@xyzct]

Are you talking to me?

[@scarynight999]

@@xyzct bruh

[@Feziboy]

@@scarynight999 BRUH

[@rw1qk]

Autistic comment section

[@TheNmv2728]

This was good. Could you talk about how neurotypicals need more affection and lack of it might not mean rejection

[@ShiChelle]

Thank you. This is exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear. In some ways having a healthy relationship is harder than the unhealthy ones. There's no obvious solutions, no bridges to burn. Instead it's like daily homework with my trauma and insecurity. It's been a year and a half with this one partner and it's so hard to trust still. But I'm going to keep trying, and he's shown that he's willing to have hard conversations and figure out compromises.

[@jamescolahan9023]

This is one of the best videos ever. I find myself thinking about how much more I want what I think I need without realizing I’m in a process with a someone willing to be with me. We are trying to build a relationship together. We don’t give up on one another despite the hard times,differences in our life together. I’m pulling for my partner anxious to learn, grow.

[@stackels97]

I still have huge doubts that anyone will be able to put up with all my quirks and necessary non negotiatiables like needing quiet, issues with textures , needing A LOT of alone time, not being able to be spontaneous, being task focused etc etc. Like, I can barely stand how fussy I have to be for my own sanity, let alone expecting anyone else to deal with that.

[@KerryNeeds]

You can find someone who is the same and needs their alone time

[@timothymolony]

I was diagnosed ADHD and later ASD in the past year and half. It's been a blessing, to finally know 'who I am and why'; but it's also overwhelming me. I'm 53. Relationships have always crushed me. I've had lots of partners and friends over my life but they never last to long. I think it's going well but then the person evaporates, I just end it, or I crash and burn. I never knew why. Now that I'm learning the 'why' I'm faced with the seemingly overwhelming task of learning how to be in the world using a completely new instruction manual. I don't know where to start. I gave up trying to date or have friends 2 years ago because it became too painful. I thought I would just go it alone. I wanted to believe I could but of course I yearn for friendship like anyone else. I feel like such a shit show most of the time around others. The only time I feel ok is when I'm alone. It's depressing. In this video I related to everything you said. It's a new experience to hear someone talk about how I'm feeling in a positive way. I've been very hard on myself through out my life trying to break out of it. So now I know I'll never escape being this way I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel like I'm too complicated for neurotypicals. Is there a video on who or how we should date and be friends with? NT's or ASD's? It seems like a ridiculous question but I'm asking it anyway. I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed trying to fit in and not sure if I can learn a new way at 53. Between the ADHD and ASD being in my head gets exhausting. The frustrating part is I like myself. I just wish I could fit in somewhere. I appreciate your videos. You remind me of me often I have to laugh. It helps me see why people like me but also how they have trouble being around me.

[@hhqueen8759]

These vids of his might be what you’re looking for. There’s no such thing as ridiculous questions! Help I love an aspie (geared towards NTs but still helpful in understanding both sides)- kzbin.info/www/bejne/rKPcZ41jf61gns0 Common miscommunications between aspies and NTs- kzbin.info/www/bejne/roTOm4Kabd6opbM There’s likely more out there, but these were the first that popped in my head.

[@kiddicarus]

What you've expressed is very much appreciated, Tim....And relatable. Thank you.

[@nickkellie]

everything you said, I feel too!

[@leannehicks4391]

im 33 and was diagnosed with adhd earlier this year and waiting to get my ASD diagnosis process started atm..its strange to hear this diagnosis after so many others..

[@d.pharmbot2092]

54 yrs old here, and I was diagnosed a year ago, so that's a coincidence :-) . As a health care professional, one thing that immediately bothered me about this mid-life diagnosis was the old chestnut about most mental issues becoming worse with age. However, I have a psychiatrist now and his take is that the age thing is only partially true: what makes the difference is insight. Insight helps you "keep up with yourself" and stay self-aware. You definitely have good insight, Tim.

[@jennifergreene7907]

I love the dancing metaphor, and getting stepped on or elbowed in the face. Issues when communicating can really feel like that. Thanks! Puts it in perspective.

[@m.l.sokolauthoradvocatepub8699]

Loving people just as they are is always a challenge on a growth journey. Trust in the process; space to grow; and respect and validation of another's perspective are essential; but Love is what makes the world go round! Thanks for sharing your perspective in this video!

[@ciaraskeleton]

This is what I believe in my core. To love like that and be unapologetic is vulnerable as hell and takes mountains of strength. If you are open to it, it will change you forever. It's not easy at all.

[@thenobleone-3384]

People that have Autism don't need to work any job. People can be really mean to people that are different. I prefer to work by myself or with a small group of people. I definitely want to be a spokesman for this disorder cause I know what it's like to live with it

[@eskabanofficial]

SO FUCKING TRUE BRO, i get treated like a subhuman at my soulcrushing 11 hours a day job, it makes me so angry and sad inside to the point i get aggressive or mean to people or just weird as fuck. working or any kind of socializing with judgemental people is a nightmare, but for whatever reason im still alive at 22 still didnt give up on a good life yet even when i probally wont ever get it (socially)

[@cybertrekker4274]

Yeah! Humans are extremely judgemental, opinionated, and uncaring. This is especially so against those of whom are different.

[@RavensHouseOfTarot1111]

I told my ex this! We should have been taking breaks from one another instead of breaking up 🤪

[@KerryNeeds]

Yessss

[@scoutthespirit1133]

wow i never thought of relationships as things that are meant to heal, ive only been seeing one side to it. thank you for that invaluable insight. i guess i used to think you had to be healed before a healthy relationship could grow.

[@atanamorell2]

💯

[@paulmichaelfreedman8334]

I'm into my 4th long term relationship (I am 49 now). I just hope, this is the one till I die (she's not neurotypical either). The breakup with the 3rd one already half destroyed me (kicked me out and left me homeless) I have many autistic traits, possibly even Asperger (thoroughly investigated, but not officially tested)

[@wambuikanina6724]

Which traits make it hard

[@paulmichaelfreedman8334]

@@wambuikanina6724 Most of them, it seems....I am now in the process of being diagnosed, and there is indeed strong indication of Autism, likely mild as I do have a common sense, and very likely a good dash of ADD too, and Autism and ADD together are a really potent combination. Nothing is in stone yet, but the results won't be far off. One thing is sure though, if this relationshiop breaks, it's game over for me. The last one practically broke me in two and ripped a piece out of me that won't ever grow back (and my current partner knows this. It really changed me). That said, in hindsight, the breakup was in essence my own fault. Which really makes it worse. It's hard to keep a positive mind these days and everyday I have at least a few hours in which I'm in deep morbid thoughts. I still have no work (applied countless times), also no help. I met my current partner when I was on the brink of being completely destroyed, from the inside and outside. She literally is my saviour. My angel.

[@turtleanton6539]

Get tested mate

[@paulmichaelfreedman8334]

@@turtleanton6539 I did, and as expected I have been diagnosed with both autism and ADD. So it is official now.

[@eskabanofficial]

NEVER get dependant on women, NEVER! theyre not to be trusted, theyre bound to backstab you because their pairbonding ability is destroyed by all the hookups

[@justinemahoney2360]

Another very good talk. Yes I can relate to this one. I like the reference to dancing. Very timely

[@DS-yz1qs]

Me too. I love analogies. The only way I understand anything.

[@fatuusdottore]

Yep. I’ve been burned a lot, and I have decided I no longer require friendships.

[@Pabliski577]

For so long I thought my condition made me act differently to how people expected, but then I realized it was the other way around; people around me are not showing a behavior that I deem acceptable.

[@kate_lizzerd]

This is really valuable. I’m in a situation right now where in all my previous relationships I was more or less abused and/or neglected. And now I’ve found a caring and thoughtful person I’ve been excited for a couple of weeks and now I start getting thoughts about us “not being in sync” and maybe there’s this perfect person somewhere out. To hear that maybe when I start thinking about leaving and finding other relationships is actually a turning point to reflect on myself, that’s really valuable

[@SuperLotus]

I'd like friendships/romance, but it's just too hard with my chronic illness. Even forming online friendships is exhausting.

[@alj007]

Thank you for this. I’ve always had a hard time with friendships & relationships. I got diagnosed earlier this week with high functioning ASD. I’m 41.

[@user-ij9uk8tn8i]

This dancing analogy is brilliant! Thank you.

[@tiefenverspannt]

This was so helpful, I'm currently questioning whether I could be autistic, and no matter if I am or not, this video definitely spoke to me.

[@skippergin2695]

This makes sense since being autistic means learning behaviors more than intuitively knowing them and to learn you have to encounter what you need to learn and possibly practice. (I'm not certain NTs reliably get relationships either, given how widespread relationship issues are.) I'm gonna fixate a little and say that, based on my history of dance, dancing is a lot less confusing, judgmental and annoying. In dance you can repeat until it works and break it down into each movement. People rarely let me redo conversations or analyze one aspect. .

[@Frankienoname0]

Skipper! This is so well said.

[@arokiingaming8847]

15 years and two kids later I’ve been diagnosed and I feel for my significant other while I learn to understand my self. Your videos are very helpful !!

[@matthewking8806]

The majority of my relationships have ended badly, all the way back to my childhood until now. in my senior adult years. This is very frustrating to me. I don't want this to happen, but it always does.

[@dejavu6345]

I too, love that you don’t edit your videos. Seeing you process your thoughts gives insight on your sincerity and authenticity. Thanks for sharing!

[@aeorling]

Thank you for doing these videos!

[@itsmeheathermarie]

You’re channel has quickly become my favorite. I finally don’t feel like I’m the only one experiencing the world the way I do. Thank you.

[@zanderC5953]

Thank you for this channel, Paul^^

[@patman_for_sure]

About the final words being lost and the need to talk quickly, I relate with that so much.

[@terranovarubacha5473]

This is big in the ADHD community too, not just the talking fast but also the memory trouble

[@patman_for_sure]

@@terranovarubacha5473 I suspected that I've had it for a while, but I wasn't sure and haven't been diagnosed.

[@Racecar564]

Hey man, just want to say I've recently begun watching your videos and I think they're awesome! Your analogies are really interesting and really bring light to concepts formerly seemingly strange and confusing. It's very helpful. Thank you for providing your wisdom for us all :)

[@TheMikedp777]

Thanks for the information. Very informative. I felt like just being alone for a long time and thought it would be the best thing for me to do. This year has been a breakthrough for me. With some hard times in between and still lots to learn. I've been watching your videos for a couple months now. You have been really helpful for me finding myself and slowly putting myself back out into society again. Keep up the good work you help so many.

[@MaxBoffo]

My favorite spectrum that I’ve created is FUN COMFORT

[@user-mn4gg1ks7w]

The part about relationships brings your past for you to deal with it is great and inspiring. Thank you, Paul

[@galeretacco8537]

Paul....youre the best! Your info is so enlightening.

[@cmills2131]

Paul, thank you for doing these videos. It's helped me in my relationship with an aspie so much.

[@AskingSpot]

This was so on point! Please edit a version for a short to share with my ADHD friends

[@vslifeofcycles5415]

Thank you so much for this beautiful video!

[@WSNonduality]

Dancing is a great analogy, and the final point, was really worth it! So glad it came back to you, Gold!

[@jesseroussellmusic]

Very eye opening. Great information. I'll certainly be diving into more of your vids

[@ChristophersMum]

Thank you so much Paul...you have put into words the feelings that I had in my relationships...and couldn't understand...I do love these videos that you give us...Love from Scotland

[@sarahupsidedown6431]

Thanks man. It was helpful and I do the se thing with my words. Your awesome!

[@SwornInvictus]

8:05 I found this hilariously relatable. So glad you didn't edit this out.

[@AvaGrail]

Thank you! I needed to hear this today

[@93DS]

This video is really helping me discover more about myself Thank you !

[@oneworldfamily]

Excellent video, Paul. Very helpful to me right now. Aspie wife and I going through a tough time.

[@justhelen662]

you are so nice to listen to. thank you for calming me on a up up up angry day.

[@poorvatrikha]

I love your channel. You are helping the world in great and big ways.

[@misslady2802]

Thank you and Merry Christmas 2021

[@visualeffect]

I've just found this video! You were talking about this topic, thank you so much, Paul! You are no longer bouncing a ball! I really liked when you paused and the fact you actually didn't edit the part of video. Just be who truly you are is your video's one of the most attractive contents. Thank you, I'm benefitting and learning a lot from your videos, Paul!!!

[@allisonbrown9873]

Thank you for all of your videos Paul, they are always relatable and informative. I love how in this video you had a processing delay you worked through because this happens to me ALL THE TIME and I feel that issue sometimes makes communication difficult in relationships.

[@lilyorozco8699]

I absolutely loved your analogy about dancing. It illustrates what you said magnificently. Thanks for helping so many of us

[@carrierudd4628]

Any exciting dance requires moving apart then back together ❤ Good stuff, Paul!

[@PeteS_1994]

Even being a friend with a person is difficult. I’m facing difficulties now, happened in past friendships.

[@shaunrpmusic]

I had this issue with my new best friend a month ago. All of a sudden I realized he and I were getting super close and all this shit that I wasn’t really thinking about started coming up and I haven’t quite been OK since. I’m getting better but I hadn’t really opened my heart up to anyone in a while (and to be frank, I always had this dumb idea that being vulnerable should only be reserved for a romantic partner). I’m optimistic I’ll get through this but this is such a strange experience for me. But this video really cleared things up for me! Thank you!

[@jonnyrocket3659]

this dude talks so much sense to me, and I love the way he explains things in such an easy way for me to understand

[@Melish333]

i have lost all but two of my friends in the last few years. makes me tear up that you put words into how i've been feeling. feeling like it's my fault and that maybe i'm just not meant to have friends has been so incredibly isolating.

[@evolvefromwithintwo5043]

Your videos are keeping me grounded in reality while I go though the process of discovering that I'm an Aspie, integrating the ramifications that this way of functioning has had up until this point, and looking deep under the hood into the mechanics involved to propel myself and the other Aspies that seem to pepper my life into being high functioning. This isn't easy, nor has it been! Thank you for making it clearer and sweeter.

[@LysaAllmanBaldwin]

Excellent video and gives me lot more insight into someone I know. Thank you.

[@katsurabalanza3534]

That was extremely relatable and helpful! It helped to affirm some decisions recently made about taking space, so we can grow as individuals and return experience more sweet closeness when we are together... moving to fast led to the quick burnout in our relationship sorta say. This video helps to remind me the importance of nurturing the relationship and remembering with the trauma can come deep healing, some more joyous twirling with one another. Love your vids! Gracia 🙏

[@InDzienInTampa]

I like this explanation. Got into this while on my way to sleep. Yeah, it kept me up for a bit, but was exactly what I needed to hear. Well-explained and articulated.

[@gentlygrace]

This was so helpful!!! Thank you so much!

[@anneliesewright662]

Thank you so much for your videos. I love the way you explain things. I can really relate. 👍👍👍

[@marylourdes007]

Greetings from London Paul 🇬🇧 this video is fantastic & offers great insight. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@TylerSimonds]

Good reminders, and the dance analogy is helpful

[@SuperDonkeyslong]

Thank you for your channel and your videos, I really hope you keep posting these kind of videos. It's very eye-opening watching your channel

[@AceLM92]

Relationships are difficult because people today suck. They want all the rewards and none of the work. I used have self centered and cold people in my life until they showed their true colors and I said f*** those people. Now I live in a new state and have 1 of what could be considered a friend.

[@littlebitescatering3151]

Same

[@itzamedave6242]

Thank you so much for this info definitely a great channel and helpful