Autistic Masking: The Damaging Effects of Long-Term Masking and Camouflaging

[@neredan1182]

i met a new professor today and telling him that im autistic. and he, typical person working in education obviously, tells me he has no clue about it. so i give him a brief. and 5minutes later he generally tells me he likes how social i am... lol. the social me i am masking to perfection. which is not really me. haha. its also exhausting how they appreciate my fake me.

[@madebymillie5181]

Sad but true. Happens to me all the time when I'm acting like a 🤡 to make others feel less uncomfortable with my true self.

[@neredan1182]

@Toby Mcguire a person that models their behaviour to present themselves as social to others is not social.............................................................yeah

[@kattyryncyg]

@@madebymillie5181 Clown, yes! I've always said I act like a Muppet.

[@madebymillie5181]

@@kattyryncyg The Muppet Show was my favourite when I was a kid. I think there was a muppet called Red. That's what my older sister used to call me. My family always tells me to stop acting. I wish they did and were honest about their feelings and plans.

[@lharmony6882]

Story of my aspie life

[@rebeccaelle135]

Unmasking late in life has given me comfort even though friends or family memebers have withdrawn or not understanding. Thank you for talking about masking in aspergers.

[@wolfgang7812]

You don't need those friends and family members then. It's obvious through their withdrawal they were not accepting the authentic you.

[@madelinesmith6614]

I am experiencing the same thing rn.

[@tickledcynic9]

Same here - despite all the warnings from autistic people that this would happen, it still shocked me when I got this reaction from several family members and my partner. I'd say that they care, they just don't know (or are incapable of knowing) how to adjust their relationship with somebody they already feel they 'know'. The longer you've had a relationship with someone. the harder it is for them to change the way they think, feel and act in regards to you. So I try not to judge all people who can't adapt too harshly -at least some of them probably still care; they just don't know how to behave.

[@amanda.2416]

I still didn't have the courage to tell my family cause I know they won't understand. I'm going through the same process of unmasking and I can feel the rejection. Sad.

[@fionafiona1146]

I am 24 now but have had some success curating my environment over the person I display, it's likely simpler than masking

[@powaytheband]

"feel like they can look into my soul" eye contact is both freaky and intrusive. Felt this way forever

[@Christartiflette]

Same

[@ravekidd69]

I literally said this exact same thing to my therapist last week… I recently thought I might be on the spectrum at 28. I’ve taken three tests for autism and scored “high functioning” or on the spectrum for all of them. Still not sure if it’s autism or something else. But after hearing him say this exact same thing struck a cord in me.

[@abenezertsegaye3807]

And my eyes get on off on off... frightened. Oh... the hardest thing to do.

[@MountainWoman68]

All my life.

[@Slaaneshy_Concubine]

Same. There seem to be multiple reasons why we struggle with eye contact. The reason you explained and trying to get an appropriate look-look-away ratio. Maybe there are other reasons as well for other people. My solution is to not look in the eyes most of the time and every once in a while I look into the face for a few seconds and then turn away again. Not optimal, but it seems to be that this is the one particular masking mechanism I fail to do.

[@DaveTexas]

This is a very interesting topic. I’m in my 50s, but I only learned I was on the spectrum a few months ago. Several years ago, I was tired of feeling ignored by my coworkers; I work for an opera company and I’ve been there for more than 20 years, but I never felt like anyone was friendly to me. I talked to my therapist about this quite a lot, and he recommended I step outside my comfort zone and initiate communication with others. So, I started saying hello to everyone, smiling at them, asking them how they were doing, all that "normal" social stuff. Doing that makes me REALLY uncomfortable, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it. Initially, it worked out great. People were friendlier to me than they’d ever been. People didn’t act like I wasn’t there if they came into a room I was in. I found myself getting included in more planning meetings, more production nettings, even more social gatherings. That all got old very quickly, however. I didn’t like the meetings because I’d get asked questions - and everyone would expect me to answer. I’m fine with answering questions one-on-one, but I often can’t speak if I’m in a group. I mean, I literally can’t speak. My brain freezes up and I can’t get words out. That was always a problem for me in school, but my job with the opera company has me working completely by myself and it’s been the ideal job for me. I also wouldn’t ever go with people for social gatherings. After rehearsals and performances, most of my coworkers go out to eat or drink, but I just can’t bring myself to participate. All that got very awkward. Being asked to participate in things, only to have me act like I didn’t want to be there, felt way worse than not being asked to participate in the first place. The whole "friendliness" façade got really tiring, too. I’d normally come home from rehearsals exhausted, but coming home after having been social at rehearsals was ten times worse. I couldn’t understand any of this, of course. It didn’t make any sense. It was making me miserable. I eventually quit trying to be social and just went back to being the weird guy who doesn’t talk to anyone. Now that I know I’m on the spectrum and have learned about masking, it all makes perfect sense. I tried to create a new mask, but it proved too much for me. I’m honestly no sure what to do now, since I don’t want to go back to masking but I’d also like to be on friendlier terms with everyone. It’s interesting that I’ve learned all this about myself during 18 months of not seeing any of my coworkers; live theatre is not a great profession to be in during a global pandemic, it turns out. I’ll be going back to work in about a month, however. Our COVID restrictions will be so strict that I’ll have to remain in my very isolated work space most of the time, though, so I won’t be encountering nearly as many people around the building. I suppose that’s good for me right now, while I’m figuring things out. It’s funny, but I think the wearing of a physical face mask might help me not have to "mask" so much in the social sense. I won’t feel pressured to smile at people, at least. I really, really, really like wearing face masks in public. It feels like I can blend into society better, if that makes sense. I’m not the odd one for not smiling or not recognizing the emotions of other people now that everyone is having trouble with that.

[@TheMantaRae]

Be brave dont hide. Physical mask will eventually create more trauma.

[@TheMantaRae]

Be the legend you are ♡

[@lisakovanen1975]

Maybe you can talk for real about yourself with the co-worker you like best?

[@peggycearnach8034]

You can be friendly at work without going to the afterwork stuff. That could be enough social interaction for you. If you do go out, a movie is not too bad, you really aren’t having to answer questions or talk much. Providing the movie is not too loud and flashy. And so long as you get to arrive early and sit in the exact middle - obviously 😀 I’m also in my fifties and I know that if I want to get supplies at the markets, I will manage it by getting there at sparrow, park close, buy what I need and get the hell out of there. There are workarounds that help to reduce the overwhelm. All the best to you.

[@jcheri9948]

@ David, I too enjoy wearing a face mask during the pandemic and I am worried about having to stop wearing it. Before that my face mask was dark sunglasses as I don't like people looking at my eyes and my eyes tend to give me away. SOL when it's cloudy or night time.

[@saubriz]

Now at 50, I tend to mask “less”….it’s like I’ve reached a point in life where I don’t care that much about making people believe I am “normal”……when younger, I got obsessed with masking so people wouldn’t “read” through me, got good at it, however, in the end people still figured me out. Now, I figured out that masking did more damage than good.

[@mmmsunshine5367]

Yep, just cant expend the energy any longer..50 years is long enough...so I just do not.....so now it is "what's wrong with you"? all of the time...😒🙄 oh well

[@andrewquick4176]

I got my diagnosis last year at 40 My body is literally broken because of the toll of masking without knowing it AND repeatedly finding myself or putting myself in situations I did not understand how to handle and didn’t have a support network

[@julie8234]

I got mine in June this year, age 47

Read Pete Walker's book: CPTSD: from surviving to thriving. Or his other book the Tao of Feeling Fully.

[@zirusoxemus5546]

I do the same ive just found out 3 months ago i have ASD and ADHD and ive been masking it for years and have put a massive toll on my body and mind. I know we can get through it just tough i wish you the best with this and am sure if you are strong enough to mask this long you can break the mask also.

[@77maturin]

Another one here - diagnosed this year at 44. Like you, the strain of masking for so long, and the strain of coping with the anxiety it's given rise to, has taken its toll. I feel exhausted, utterly exhausted, both in body and mind. I feel like I want to start being me, the real me, now - that that is the only way to get over this terrible fatigue. But how to balance that with career, relationships, etc. - all the things I was masking for in the first place. Difficult, but I hope, not insoluble. Time will tell. Good luck to anyone on this journey.

[@Mraquanetchris]

@@julie8234 45 over here

[@catherinelevison3310]

Others don’t see the rejection - they only see the attempts to cope. Very important message.

[@SarahFairbairnSacaKat]

I related so strongly that I started to cry. I’m so tired from constantly masking around everybody in my life.

[@jandellko]

me too

[@jesscampbell-plover882]

Same 💖

[@jwren357]

💚

[@directioner3153]

Me too!! Ive masked my entire life, I don’t remember who I am anymore there just the mask

[@FabianPFrank]

same here

[@JL-ph9ew]

As someone who masks less with time, I save so much energy for loving myself. Instead of thinking "What do I have to act like to earn this person's approval", I can think of things i actually need or want.

[@island661]

That's awesome! I love authentic people, even if they're quirky. I actually enjoy them more! 🤗

[@tylerpatterson434]

This video describes the trauma is when diagnosed with autism as an adult. Someone who has masked all their life to survive in this world but hasn't realized why they do it, and who they really are.

[@hirgurd9845]

Yep, that´s pretty much me. I´m in my mid 30s and became very depressive about 2 years ago. That time i just had not the power to keep the mask up, that i didn´t even know of. That was a really hard time, but a relieve at the end.

[@avogadrossays916]

Yup, 51 yrs old, and just coming to this realization as I type....sort of numbing

[@jwren357]

@@avogadrossays916 64 here, similar feeling, just a few years ago, self diagnosed but have no doubts. Dipped into quite a few (ha! Ok, more than a few!) other you tube channels, books, facebook groups, before finding this, back in lockdown. I find Paul's channel by far the most helpful. I think I had already come along way with hard-won self acceptance, and then self diagnosis was revelation and very freeing, and many aspects of the lockdowns gave me an opportunity to experiment with unmasking, but I've just come back to watching a few of Paul's videos. This one has made me cryl.

[@Teasy_32]

I am a 52 year old mother of two, came across that topic about 1,5 years ago, took me half a year to self diagnose and applied for an official diagnosis which started two months ago, I am still in that process, doubting again and there, what if I am not detected, if I mask while talking to that one person for once in my lifetime, or if I am over the top, meanwhile I am quite sure ADS is accompanying those parts where I might not fit into autism, because I am to people pleasing (cause I can feel for them), whereas at the same time feel like noone is trying to please me, all fast and loud and busy and successful. I can't stand that anymore! Just today I am so! down, I am extremely thankful, Paul, this your video found me exactly now, when I wanted to hear something soothing before resting a bit in the middle of that exaggerated sunny day. But some calming clouds are on their way. My cat joined me, all the best to you doubters out there, may we have the power and opportunities to support each other 🍀

[@tomaskey6844]

One of the hardest parts of late life Autism diagnosis was discovering I was masking. It certainly explained why I had such a hard time in religious social situations. So often I was told I was a sinner for things I said and did. When someone senses you are not being genuine, they can interpret it many ways.

[@chettajohnson5261]

"And I'd prefer you didn't get to know the mask too well either..." I don't appreciate being called out like that. Except I do. Thank you Paul!

[@joaoomega6627]

Chronic stress and anxiety and feeling lonely inside is definitely the long term consequences of masking for decades.

[@bobitussinX]

I think this is why I can only hold a job for about 2 years. I can keep up the facade for about that long before coworkers start to figure it out

[@neurodivergentdawn]

Me too!

[@Faerienice]

Figure what out exactly? Can you explain more?

[@truthmerchant1]

That was my experience too.

[@RuailleBuaille]

Spot on. Masked so much that I suffered total burnout about 4 years ago. Still not back to being able to work or function sustainably. Feels like I've masked to the point where the inside, authentic me has corroded away and left behind only the shell. In a twisted way, it's nice to know others can understand that.

[@brianmeen2158]

Same here . I masked(not knowing I was autistic) until I burned out at the age of 38. Then found out I was autistic and now am wondering what now?!? Masking is harder and social interactions are even More draining. Now I realize what the strangeness was caused by but I’ve been acting the entire time.

[@esieffer]

I have been masking all of my life. My few close friends eventually saw through it, but most people see odd things if I am around them long enough. Unfortunately when I was young, this attracted predators. Sometimes when someone very intuitive sees me, I have to explain the truth. This happened when I had a part time job [while I had a full time one] and my supervisor caught on. This helped in this situation, it doesn't always though. Sometimes when I thought I was alone, I would open up and talk to myself out loud. Occasionally someone would over hear. A lot of people think I am brainy as I read enormous amounts of information and can talk about a lot of things. Usually though it is just me and my mate. I try to keep to myself. I have a very difficult job and if the wrong person knew, it would bring into question if I could do the job. Some people know here as well, but they fortunately understand. It is an exhausting thing. To be around a group of people, I have to ply myself with alcohol to feel normal and engage. That can't happen at work and during the day. When I was a kid, I got teased a lot, and I never could figure out why. I knew I was different, but it would not be till much much later that I found out why. Mild aspergers. Some people say, "oh no, you don't have aspergers, your not wacked out enough." That isn't very helpful. I am a professional dealing with others who have this and I know exactly what I am talking about. I don't ever see me putting down my mask until the day I retire. Thanks for your videos.

[@desiertoscacti5388]

I'm sorry for your experience with predators. That is unfortunately such a hard truth, we attract predators.

[@wolframstahl1263]

I got my diagnosis *today!* Thank you so much for the work you do, Paul! I've learned a lot about myself and how my brain works over the last months from your videos, so many things started to make sense, so many things I never even thought about before I suddenly started to understand and find words for. Now, with a diagnosis in hand, I can finally start to get the help I need. I don't know if I'd have even started the whole process of getting a diagnosis by now without all that. Honestly and emphatically: Thank you!

[@ertuncdelikaya8237]

Check out Mark Hutten's channel which is also quite helpful for aspie/HFA people and their neurotypical partners.

[@jackgrant7356]

Im so glad you learned about aspergers from paul. I learned the hard way: From so called "professionals" who couldnt tell their arse from their elbow.

[@thegeobus1]

Oh Good! At 48, with a psych degree, I started uncovering all of this aboutn10 years ago but have yet to go to therapy or try to get an official diagnosis. I put on a REALLY good mask, and I guess the few times I have mentioned aspergers to people I've gotten the "I don't believe it" comment. Anyway, it is exhausting to mask and to unmask, so I have spent a lifetime escaping and avoiding and pushing people away because it is "easier." Watching these videos obsessively now (OCD) too, is suspect ...lol. anyway, glad for your diagnosis and kudos to you for getting it. Thanks for sharing!

[@deluxeassortment]

I don't understand why this isn't talked about more. I feel like it's the most prominent feature of my personality. I believe it's the reason introverts are exhausted by too much human contact. When I'm home alone or around others with autism, I get a nice recharge because there's no one around that will make me feel uncomfortable.

[@tyler.walker]

Thank you, Paul. You've affected so many lives in an overwhelmingly positive way.

[@WilliamFontaineJr]

No question that he information and experience offered on this Chanel is priceless to many many people. Myself included. Your comment nailed it.

[@samanthabeaty4578]

I didn't even KNOW I've been masking. My whole life. Even as a small, small child. Here I've been thinking I've been authentic my whole life and I could never understand why I felt so much self-rejection ... and now it all makes sense. Since I've come to understand that I'm on the spectrum, everything in my life finally makes sense. All the internal chaos is in order, all the cruel, critical inner voices have shut up and every failure in my whole life has suddenly been reframed as miracles instead. All the things I have hated myself for "failing" at has been me asking myself to do the impossible every single day my entire life, and doing it in spite of everything. I've never felt so proud of myself. Now I feel empowered to understand myself instead of fix myself, and now I know that everything in my life is going to change for the better. Your videos are changing my life. Thank you.

[@ZapatosVibes]

Thanks for sharing, relatable :)

[@koolkel00]

I have ADHD, and for years I was masking and I never even realized it. For years I knew I had ADHD but had no education on what that meant. I thought it was normal to go home and just feel absolutely exhausted, like this huge weight you've been carrying you can finally set down and you can breathe freely finally. I didn't know that wasn't something everybody dealt with and it was just a part of growing up and having to put aside all the things that make you happy and all the things you honestly feel, in a little corner you can indulge in when you're at home or have a day off. It made me start feeling like a fraud and I never knew why. I felt like I was stressed out and dying constantly, losing track of who I really am inside and I constantly felt like I was on the verge of freaking out and I didn't know how to stop or where to go for help. Then randomly an ADHD ted talk showed up in my feed and I went down a rabbit hole of all this new vocabulary and this entire neuroatypical community I never knew existed. I always felt myself relating to neurodivergent characters and felt like a fraud because I didn't understand that ADHD was a neurodivergent disorder. Even now I still struggle with it. But it helps to know I'm not alone and that there's a way to exist in life that doesn't make me hate every moment I breathe! I can just be me and be okay. And that means a lot to me.

[@madebymillie5181]

Hi everyone. I hadn't known about my condition until I started teaching students with that condition and also began seeing similarities in my daily struggles... Then, I was playing with words in my head a lot and realised that I had this association between the words "autistic" and "acoustic". I really like music and singing makes me happy. Sometimes it's the only way of accessing my true emotions even though I want it to be a camouflage ;0) Recently, I've decided to tell my family about my condition. They didn't turn out to be supportive. However, I am still content with my decision, even though my husband decided to leave me as well and thinks I'm a hoax. Oh, well, I wonder what kind of scary relationship that would continue to be if I didn't reveal my true self...

[@judyseigel3303]

I dont think that I ever really thought of myself as defective but more like couldnt understand why the outside world constantly rejected or bullied me when I showed my true self. When I was less aware I would mask to a point and when I felt comfortable with a situation gradually let my true self out and was instantly rejected every time. I chose to keep the mask on so that I could have superficial or transactional acquaintances rather than being totally alone. I wish I could have real friendships but at 68 Ive pretty much given up on that. The mask is a tool for getting through the day-dont really see hiw I can function without it. It seems like younger aspies can find each other and have real friendships but the aspies my age dont know they are aspie so its not possible.

[@madebymillie5181]

@@judyseigel3303 I can absolutely relate to your decision. I'm 42 and my life situation forces me to stay "level-headed" when I honestly feel like screaming sometimes. However, don't give up on finding real friends or at least people you can feel more comfortable with. I know it's very hard to find but not hopeless. I used to be so surrounded with people that I didn't know whom I shall call first. But most of it was "faking" on my side that I wasn't aware of since I had no idea where my anxiety was coming from. I'm not saying I'm happy with my almost non-existent social life now, but I think I'm going through a phase because of my "sudden" realisation of the nature of my condition. Good luck with finding opportunities to find a more relaxed, genuine environment for yourself 🌹

[@injunsun]

@@madebymillie5181 Same. My brother told me he wouldn't pay attention to anything I said or shared until I had a formal diagnosis. I have a BA in Psychology. I've had issues my entire life. I was labelled "gifted" at age 8, confirmed at 12. Yeah. Gifted. I never fit in. I'm 53, and tired of pretending. My brother can eat a bag of rotten genitals. I'm still isolated. I hope you find help and love.

[@madebymillie5181]

@@injunsun The funniest thing is, it was my husband who one day started screaming at me saying "are you f... autistic or what?!" So he actually healed me that way and gave me direction. Many years before marrying me he abandoned his child, because he's ex-wife got a diagnosis for their mutual son, while he thought the child was "dumb". He himself has had trouble fitting in all his life. How dumb must I have been believing his stories? I guess he's the one who needs to acknowledge his condition in the first place.

[@madebymillie5181]

@@injunsun I think it only proves the point that autistic people are highly intelligent and self-aware. Different wiring can cause lots of problems because people love being lied to and put their skeletons in the closet.

[@shmeleu]

Yep, can relate, by 40 understood that I am autistic, no longer remember myself and besides what the mask wants, you do not want anything. Another big problem is that the mask is "13 - 20 old person". Trying to be good to most person outside and nothing authentic inside - that is how it feels now. So I am always eager to help others, not wanting anything for myself/in reward.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Same here, but it does explain how it is that I can just become other people in pretty much an instant. I remember reading a part in English class and I just became the character almost immediately without any sort of preparation time. In retrospect, that probably should have been a bit of a clue that I had a lot of practice at it.

[@billyexton7207]

Wonderful message Paul. Perhaps also worth emphasising here that the message we tell ourselves when we mask doesn’t begin with autistic people ourselves, but from ableist messages -both overt and subtle- from the world around us. I think many people who’ve lived through abusive dynamics like this one struggle with the feeling that it’s their fault, so an important part of unmasking is understanding that we were not born believing that there’s anything wrong with us, didn’t choose to mask in the first place, and we didn’t deliberately cause the psychological damage to ourselves.

[@linden5165]

I like this point. Yes, all we were doing was trying to survive, often through enormous stress, and from a young age when we just didn't have a lot of other options. And the masking/camouflaging/adaptive morphing is often incredibly sophisticated and skillful methods of self-protection, but still ultimately harmful and better to be let go of, but as we say goodbye to that I think we can honor ourselves for doing what might have been necessary at the time before we knew better.

[@billyexton7207]

@@linden5165 definitely! It’s almost like we get to a safer point in our lives and move forward “beyond” masking, rather than trying to reverse or undo something. We arrive at a “post-mask” life thanks to the skill we had to navigate difficult times safely with masking earlier in life.

[@anncat1111]

Billy and Linden, you are so wise

[@mathelogical2563]

I believe people mask a lot because they are worried about the anxiety it causes.. we as autistics always anticipate the negative and thats what we always try to avoid.

[@shortycareface9678]

This was interesting... I've been accused of "pushing people away when they show interest in me". Maybe this is why. I was in a relationship with a neurotypical person. This was far before realizing I'm autistic. I've always been rather open about my sensory issues and such, because those things explicitly decrease the quality of my life. The responses have been mixed, though "You're too sensitive" is a common one. But I remember I kind of just naturally let myself be more "vulnerable" and authentic around my ex. She took issues with a lot of my stims, at length, particularly that I talk to myself and such. She asked me, multiple times, if I could quit doing it. I remember thinking: "what you're asking me to do is become someone I'm not". I think that was the point at which I realized part of me didn't want to save that relationship... but another part of me kept thinking that "Hell, if I can only quit being so weird and screwed up, then we can still be together". I blamed myself for that breakup for ages, and I tried for months afterwards to repress myself and to mask even while not around people. I thought that "maybe if I work on altering myself while alone, it'll get easier around other people and I won't slip up like that again". I'm luckily getting more and more over that, now. If something feels good to me, why shouldn't I do it? If something doesn't feel good to me, why should I do it? I've realized I can't construct my life to revolve around what would potentially be "pleasant" for someone else.

[@marysueper140]

My brother talks to/at the TV, and all the more if I stay in my room. Guess now I can understand that, and change my viewpoint on that. Thanks!

[@B-londoner]

Thank you for sharing. It feels authentic and I appreciate that. I understand completely but at the same time I think it's very fair to present a self-sacrificing spirit to our loved ones from time to time. More happiness comes from giving than from receiving, doesn't it?

[@Catlily5]

@@B-londoner It is a balance. Usually both people make some sacrifices for a relationship. As long as those sacrifices are not vital parts of yourself and it is not always one party doing most of the sacrificing.

[@B-londoner]

@@Catlily5 Totally agree. Thank you 😊

[@Catlily5]

@@B-londoner 😊

[@emrsjoy]

Hi, Thank you for this video. I’m a 49 year old female and I think I’ve been masking since I was 5 or 6 when I realized I was different (just not getting how to socialize acceptably, and being criticized or ridiculed constantly). I’m not diagnosed but I relate so much to what I’m hearing described as aspergers that I’ve been in tears. I’ve been overstimulated, overwhelmed, depressed and anxious for much of my life. I’ve been hiding my true personality and quirks while I entertain NT extroverts without much interest from them. I’m exhausted. I’m quite relieved to discover I might be included here. I so desperately want to know who I am and finally rest and enjoy my weirdness. I enjoy my own company but I’ve given so much of my time and energy to others, as a duty to being socially ‘normal ‘. I find it so draining and want to pursue my own stuff. Maybe this will help me to not feel so bad about being myself. Thanks again. Ps... I’ve always called the normal social folks ‘the humans’ like I’m not one of them, like I’m an observer from another planet or dimension. Is that a thing? lol

[@SuperLotus]

I was sort of a zombie growing up, but then I got good at masking in my late teens. Joined a fraternity and got a GF. Then my chronic illness hit and it became too exhausting to do. I'm not sure what my life would have been like if I remained healthy. Probably a lot of superficial relationships I suppose. At least that was what college was like. I still think it was worth doing rather than being a complete outcast with no friends.

[@alexac5001]

I have a very similar path totally understand and it's so painful and lonely in the end

[@CraftyGothMother]

Thank you. I relate to everything. I'm finally on a waiting list for a diagnostic assessment @40 and now that I'm being taken seriously, I am starting to freak out because I have a bucket full of trauma that goes way back into my childhood and I'm scared that they will just tell me that everything is trauma-based. Where does it stop being trauma-based when you were a neglected child? What about the added years of trauma just trying to survive in a world that feels harsh and incompassionate? Trying to understand myself is so difficult. Thank you for your channel! even if nearly all of your vids make me cry.

[@makedoandmendmail2370]

I'm in the same boat. Unpicking 40 years of neglect, trauma and very likely autism. Sending hugs. You are not alone xx

[@diannepenny407]

I've been trying to figure this one out too. I have an assessment coming up in November (I'm 56 years old). It seems like so much of the 'material' could be interpreted either way: 'trauma', or ASD...

[@Diamondphobe]

A lot of people on the spectrum have CPTSD as a co-morbidity. Think about it; growing up nothing you do or say is right. That's a lot of hurt even without anything else!

[@jeroenbosch7581]

Exactly. Being diagnosed at an early age is key i think. And of course caring parents that listen to your needs instead of their own.

[@Catlily5]

@@diannepenny407 If you can remember what you were like before your trauma that can help. If you had symptoms/traits came before the trauma it is probably Autism or Autism + PTSD. If your symptoms/traits came after trauma then probably it is PTSD. This doesn't apply if you were very young. Or if you can't remember (or anyone else remember) about how you were before the trauma. Sensory issues are also more common with Austim than PTSD. Edit: I have seen other videos that discussed this. I am not an expert.

[@finnfrandsen5341]

Hi Paul (Pardon my bad English) It really scared me listening to this video. Scared because I felt like I was revealed in deceiving others and myself. Unconditionally accepting myself seems like an impossibility. i've been masking for nearly fifty years now… how do I ever know who I really am. thank you for your channel and the great work you do to help us with autism and our releatives. I've learned more from you than what psychiatry has taught me in 25 years. I was diagnosed with ADD at the age of 42 and was diagnosed with autism two years later. I have still much to learn. Greetings from DK

[@Patele1999]

I am on the waiting list (minimaal 6 months) for diagnostic tests. I am on sick leave due to burnout. I am a nurse (I worked hard during first and second golf of corona in NL) and it broke me. I can not mask and camouflage any more. Have no strength to live 'normal' life. I doubt I want to and I'm pretty sure I can't any more... They tell me I made a wrong choice by joining healthcare workforce... I am so tired, why don't they just leave me be. All my live (52) I could not be myself. Nou I know why... but it doesn't make it better (yet...?). KZbin helps to see that others have the same troubles sometimes. I really hope it will get better. For now I can only cry

[@angelicasamuels7284]

I cry with you! Your message really tore at my heart, I hear you!

[@neredan1182]

nu is de tijd om alleen aan jezelf te denken. geniet ervan en werd gezond bij. ik stuur je kracht!

[@angelicasamuels7284]

It's very true that the Medical profession is FAR from very friendly to the more SENSITIVE types of practitioners it REALLY needs! I know that just parts of your training ALONE are enough to half-destroy many types of "Sensitives". I totally fell apart long ago just trying to go to Art School....in a part of the country that doesn't suit me. Coped pretty well in Maryland, the Carolinas made me freaking SUICIDAL. There was no one to relate to, an " Art teacher" was asking me where I was "getting all these ideas from"...

[@neurodivergentdawn]

Sending you so much love.

[@anncat1111]

I’m sorry to hear this Patelle, but it’s good to note you’re on the start of a journey, burnout is something I’m going through too, to let us know we need change… and we will rest, and find our new way, which is much better for us. It’s a wonderful journey, finding our tribe, and self, and peace… it takes time to do each step and find things that work for ourselves, and that’s good because if it’s too fast it would be harder to adjust. Enjoy some rest now, and all we need will start lining up when we are ready to learn it. Luckily, I love to learn, hope you do too

[@KarynHill]

I don’t even know how to drop my mask anymore. It’s the only me that has existed for more than 40 years and honestly, there’s no longer anyone behind it anymore.

[@LordVoltRod2c]

Same with me. Males are not supposed to be sensitive or soft. I am so confused. My biological sex don't align with my gender. But I am not about to give it up. I like being male. I am a broken one on this earth. I feel I am being persecuted more and more and people want to force me to become something I am not. Is the law abiding criminal thug I have pretended to be all my life taking over? Am I only imagining that people are forcing me to be something I am not so I can have a reason to be cold hearted and appear more male. And being under hight sure aint helping the matter but only making me more enraged at people. I even use alcohol to help me be more meaner. If that's what it takes I guess that what it takes...

[@lionelcooper1384]

I identify with your eloquent description, I often describe this as being a victim of my own success.

[@drewgibbons4799]

Hi Paul et all, Have never heard a more succinct description of what I've been living with for much of my life.. Am a dude and just cried with empathy for the true me that I learned to reject, hide, feel ashamed of. So now it is time to accept, show, feel proud of. Though I suppose I might, I really don't want to fear looking out at anyone, ever again. Thanks Paul, Drew

[@trinnyj1451]

Paul, thank you, thank you, thank you - from my heart. You speak so beautifully and clearly about masking and it's long-term effects. I'm 62 and was diagnosed with Aspergers' earlier this year. For me, the issue of identity is crucial. I really haven't been my real self - ever. I'm not sure who she is, but at least I now have the chance to find out. So many of us have suicided before getting to that point - before gaining that knowledge and opportunity. Thank you for speaking to us and with us. Love what you do.

[@jwren357]

❤

[@MelodieRose727]

I've literally never related to anything more in my life. I'm crying, but it's because I actually feel seen and understood. Thank you for putting words to an experience I couldn't begin to describe.

[@almondmilksoda]

I didn’t realize that making myself small and non-threatening, and hiding out at school/in my jobs could be considered masking, but everything you’re talking about in this video is resonating with me. Especially the resulting self-hatred, depression and anxiety- because my soul knows I’m not truly being ME. My younger brother was diagnosed with autism very early on in life, and struggled immensely in school. I was always considered the “normal” one, because I got good grades and didn’t seem to need any help academically, but I never felt like I fit in with neurotypicals- I don’t play social games, or am catty like “the other girls.” I felt like that kind of stuff was stupid and hurtful. I’ve been bullied and didn’t realize how much I was changing myself just to seem normal or to fit in. I never realized that I could possibly be autistic too.

[@linden5165]

There's also a great deal of anxiety and fear with long-term masking, that the cracks will show or someone will somehow see behind the mask. It's very threatening and so destructive to self esteem and mental health. Unfortunately I did relate, but I am on the other side so it's OK, but I feel great compassion for my younger self and everyone in the same position. It is not a safe and happy place to be.

[@neurodivergentdawn]

So true. So glad you are happy now. Thank you for this comment.

[@lurrr217]

I lost the mask, no anxiety anymore but terribly lonely and feeling unable to cope. Pain on a whole different level.

[@Alex-ff1jl]

@@lurrr217 I'm in the exact same boat right now. I was never diagnosed as a kid, finally got that in my 30s and spent the pandemic up until now trying to get family to understand and learn with me what's been going on because in their eyes I've always just been a weirdo they can't take for very long. So among others, I linked this video to family because the way 1:16 is worded get it so right. The response I got was (basically) "well everyone has to wear a mask sometimes, even if you're autistic. that doesn't give you special rights" and I'm going "..."

[@jwren357]

So true, thank you for saying. And like you I too feel such compassion for my younger self.

[@Clueless2019]

I like your term "camouflaging" much better than "masking"; this last one has a negative connotation as you explained here so eloquently. Thank you. You always help me better understand my beloved husband. ☺

[@user-ti1xn9kt4e]

UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPTED !!! Unbelievably soothing words !!!

[@wiegraf9009]

I think I'm probably not on the spectrum (kind of impossible to say at this point because of masking) but I definitely have ADHD and I'm trying to recover from the "forgetting the self" level of masking. Thankfully I found people in my life who can accept my neurodivergence but unmasking is proving to be a long and difficult road. I hope that ND children today can grow up without harming themselves like I did to myself in order to cope with a condition I didn't understand at all.

[@Adora3473]

It hurts so much. Love to you all experiencing this. It is hard. We are not alone in this. Thank you for this content. I wish we could go back in time and live like ourselves. This huge feeling of injustice. We are humans. We are animals. We are autistic. The world is ours too. Hope you find some peace. You are more than this trauma. You can live. Let it be. You are safe.

[@danielabbey7726]

Yes, masking is exhausting. Took my wife years to see the authentic aspie me - I'm very fortunate that I'm still married and that she still loves me! 😏

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Maybe it’s not that you’re lucky she still loves you, maybe you are actually loveable!!! Consider that 😊✌️

[@danielabbey7726]

@@buttercxpdraws8101 Thanks! But I do have my moments - even my former psychologist told me that I'm lucky to have my wife.

[@danielabbey7726]

@Fat Bobby No, not covering up stimming. Mainly rehearsing conversations in advance and not appearing "strange" in social interactions. Also being quick with a joke to make myself seem less shy and withdrawn, and suppressing meltdowns from too much stimuli (hate parties and crowds).

[@croitor2009]

I wish my bf would trust me and unmask, he s aspie and sometimes I don't know what to do about it.I want to meet the real him.

[@kls701]

Me too!

[@nancyzehr3679]

i know i am a rock. it makes people feel bad. that makes me feel bad.

[@Diamondphobe]

Best explanation of autistic burnout due to long-term masking that I've heard. Thank you.

[@jackiemarch5652]

Gosh. I’m in my 7th decade and I’ve recently realised I’m probably autistic! Your videos make so much sense to me! I didn’t know I have been masking my entire life!

[@katielangsner495]

About spanking and masking: being spanked--and the inevitable 'reconciliation' that followed--taught me masking like nothing else. First there's dealing with the dread of the spanking, and knowing that delaying it does no good--but this is the moment I can be most authentic about your reaction (if that's even allowed in your family/situation). I am crying and showing fear, but I know better than to show all the rage and frustration and helplessness I feel. This was often interpreted as honesty about the physical discomfort, or even manipulation. Then comes the spanking itself, when my senses are at full alarm but my emotions haven't hit yet. Then there's a pause when I can catch my breath, and for the moment I am emotionally numb. Then I have to give my parent a hug and say "Sorry" and believe my parent when they say "I love you", and I must say "I love you too". Crying is allowed, it looks like remorse, but when I am doing the crying and hugging and "I love you too" I am angry, even murderous. My parent hasn't dealt with me, not really, and the lesson behind this ritual is that they don't have to. I want desperately to be acknowledged for who I am, anger and all, to have them validate my reality and guide me to master it, to be treated as a living soul and respected as a force to be reckoned with, but I don't stand a chance. All the power, and thus all the interpretation is on their side; their priorities and emotional needs must be my own, before I can even exist as my authentic self. Aggression during reconciliation is dangerous; we will go round and round in this 'spank and reconcile' struggle until I shove down my violent passion and look like the good little girl my parents think they know. In a word, I will "Fawn" (psychologically). I will divide self from self, I will learn to hate and distrust my anger, to treat it like the problem, and tell myself that I trust my parents more than my rage, because my rage is wrong. I will tell myself that I like being 'good' more than I would ever want to be that nasty me. I didn't rediscover this memory until just this morning, and I am 40 now, undiagnosed but wiser, and learning to parent my autistic self the right way.

[@katielangsner495]

I share this because I strongly suspect it's not a rare or exceptional situation.

[@xIQ188x]

Holy shit that hit home.

[@katielangsner495]

@@xIQ188x I am 41 now, and I have been diagnosed with autism and adhd.

[@ivanlimzg]

But society doesn't accept our authentic self. If you are able to find someone who accepts your unmasked version, better learn to keep that person near(literally and figuratively)

[@jeroenbosch7581]

I tried to do just that when i was younger but those persons eventually

[@jeroenbosch7581]

Ran away because i smothered them. From realising this i have always kept people at a distance.

[@ivanlimzg]

@@jeroenbosch7581 i've been trying my hardest to practice self control, esp recently when I decided to make a new acquaintance (not really considered friend yet) It's tough, cos i'm a person that likes to stay connected, but over the years, i understand(learned the hard way) that being connected doesn't mean to be constantly in contact with the person. In that sense, it's also me masking, but there really isn't any alternative is there?

[@marianneskaret7960]

Hello lovely aspies! Despite being an introvert (not asberger), I am on the opposite scale: I make friends very easily, all types, neurotypical or not so typical, asbergers, adhd or whatever have you. I can see the need to keep a friend really close, comitted and long term, but please, do not despair if your friend goes off or gets busy with something or someone else. That's just life... I think the fear of being rejected or left alone, - not the asberger side of things, is part of the issue here. This site is so full of creative and interesting people anyone would like to know. You will find your friend(s) again. Social environments vary a lot. You may find patience and acceptance in one, and not in another. The issue of masks is relevant for anyone, also the so called neurotypical, by the way.

[@brianmeen2158]

“But society doesn’t accept our authentic self” This is true in my experience as well. My authentic self is detached and quiet and just not interested in socializing or people for the most part. This is why I started masking in the first place. I honestly cannot imagine trying to attract women without wearing my Mask. I can attract them Physically but if they saw how aloof and detached I really was - I don’t see them sticking around

[@pepitofernando]

Just realiced some time ago that this might be the answer to who I am... I'm still not sure about going to the doctor and test as I'm not really sure of how it would benefit my life, but I'm still researching on my own. Great job you are doing.

[@olyschmidt2482]

I’ve wondered about the benefit of being officially diagnosed as well, but now I feel as though it would be calming and comforting in a way to have an answer to “who am I?”

[@Vandil_theRogue]

I felt the same way; I did it because I got tired of people saying I'm not when I know perfectly well that I am. I got my diagnosis three weeks ago.

[@ianmckenzie5303]

I've spent 62 of my 64 yrs on this planet masking my way thru life not knowing I am Autistic. I struggle with Depression, CPTSD, Substance Abuse and Failed Marriage. I've had Doctors, Therapists and Psychiatrists tell me many things about myself but none of them ever told me I was Autistic. They mostly offered up pills but I finally kicked the Antidepressant Habit recently and am learning to live a new maskless life . Not all the time mind you...really old habits do die hard. It took two back to back life changing experiences a KZbin video and CoVid while in therapy for me to realize my Autism with some ADHD traits . My long term masking was so ingrained in my life that it had everyone fooled especially me. Thank you Paul

[@newgolgotha]

THIS describes exactly how I've felt for the majority of my life, in ways that I have never been able to properly describe. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words! I may share this when trying to enlighten loved ones

[@PieterG159]

You have really been hitting a lot of very relevant topics for me lately Paul. About a year ago around my 28th birthday I realized that I was on the spectrum, and that the "social progress" I had made in the past few years, like being more open/social actually fell under this masking term and had been the main source of a lot of pent up frustration and negative feelings. On one hand I really get a lot of reward from socializing with people that I trust, albeit masking, but it's so exhausting that I also need a lot of alone time to recharge. Lately I've been experimenting a bit with being more my "true self", especially alone and around my friends and I've been feeling much better. However, this unmasking really is difficult if you have been doing it subconciously for years, especially around people that I don't really know that well like colleagues for instance. It's a bit like withdrawal from an addiction because you depended on it for so long in your life. Anyways, thanks for the interesting videos every week. I really learned a lot about myself on this channel.

[@stanleyspencer8575]

My experience has been very similar. It is so difficult. I have been masking for so long and not even knowing that I was doing it that I am still learning who I truly am. How do you act like yourself when you have no experience doing so? It is hard enough with people you are close to let alone acquaintances.

[@DaviesFuture]

Unmasking myself to myself has been the trippiest and most life changing experience for me and always will be. I nearly died multiple times from the disengagement of my true self with my perceived self. It’s identity crisis fuel. It’s so dangerous. Addicted to fitting in. Thank you for sharing and helping people like me from taking their own lives.

[@macronencer]

5:41 "The real problem begins when I start to forget who I am and I think that the mask is all there is..." I'm still really unsure how autistic I am, but this did resonate with me. I'm confident that something similar to this psychology in my own mind led to the end of my marriage.

[@Osiris-wm2kj]

Love you all! Drop your social media down below because im really trying to keep in contact with people like us!

[@martierenville6592]

This is amazing. My husband is on the spectrum, but he could never talk like this about his internal "goings on." I've been told it's because he has "mind blindness." He would never be able to talk like this. He can't explain how he feels. He doesn't even know what he thinks. He can't tell me anything that goes on in his head. He doesn't have the foggiest idea how he's feeling or what he's thinking. Thank you for this!

[@cindianajones9049]

I'm 74 and it's been just a little over a year since I seriously began to think I was on the spectrum. The thought had been popping up periodically for a few years. And what do you know.!...I tested high in every online test and have talked to a knowledgeable therapist and there's no doubt. Toss in some ADHD and so many pieces fall into place.... and continue to fall... huge relief, major frustration for all the years that may have played out differently...(or not,.. but it might have helped to have an explanation for myself way back then)... and the new challenge/opportunity of discovering who I am. . This video expresses the reality, confusion,, pain and self-examination/discovery in a clear and straightforward manner. Thank you.

[@harrietwindebank6051]

I think of masking / camouflaging as autistic people accommodating the NT world. The advantage is that it makes us very accommodating and accepting of difference in others (because most people are fundamentally different). The disadvantage is that we have been taught that to get what we want and not get punished, we have to behave a certain way so we learn to hide our authentic selves. It’s like subtle but large scale ABA.

[@neurodivergentdawn]

Thank you for this comment.

[@frostsavannahcat7633]

This is what I've been trying to explain when people say, but everyone wears a mask in certain situations, and then I feel like the examples they give don't explain what I feel. Because I don't mask, I deny myself to exist that's way different. This video explained the difference very well, thank you. I've been doing this for 32 years, and it is now that I realize this is not okay. I'm trying to unmask for myself to exist, but I don't even know who I am anymore, let alone let others getting to know who I really am.

[@FabianPFrank]

wow. You put it greatly what masking actually is. I think I am going to show your video to my friends and family the next time they don't get it. Thanks a lot.

[@meganb1106]

the looking into your soul part is so spot on and relatable. When I make eye contact, I feel like they are looking into my soul and it makes me uncomfortable and I feel like they can see my negative thoughts and self talk. Thank you for this 💙💜 i feel like I've forgotten my true self and i don't really know who I am anymore

[@oisinnewport8668]

I certainly have experienced the self-loathing from masking. I still find myself relying on it but slowly I'm beginning to build my self-esteem and stick up for myself.

[@tonyandersson3390]

This is incredibly profound and the kind of awareness we need in our society. Thank you kindly for sharing this valuable information.

[@wweHBKfan11]

Oh my God. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety multiple times. This video changes everything. I'm 27 and I now think i might be autistic and probably masking for at least 12 years. I can genuinely feel the shift now. Thank you for this. I'll book an assessment.

[@shefelilit2921]

You're speaking right out of my soul, I'm speechless because you've turned my thoughts and struggles perfectly into words and I'm so grateful

[@mikemccann6556]

Wow. I think you have uncovered the one thing that I've not considered about myself. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 62, and never once in my life did I ever think I was an Aspie. But after my diagnoses, though at first I rejected, actually started explaining to me, why I had such unusual reactions and such a quirky demeanor through out my life. I'm now 64, about to turn 65. Just prior to my diagnoses I removed myself from all, (though very few) of my friends lives and haven't had contact with any of them. The stress with masking ,and keeping up the façade became too much. Now I wish I hadn't done that. But what is done, is done. Keep up the good work you're doing with opening our eyes.

[@toekstraatman]

Tremendous helpful video. Thank you so much. ADD brain here and just made friendship with a woman with some autism traits. realizing I've been doing this masking thing my whole life too, whilst being unaware of my ADD traits. It's such a relief to now finally let go of all these mechanisms and finally come to accept myself who I am. Feels like coming home. Also so nice to be able to accept others with similar things going on and see through the mechanisms.

[@jeremyburks7882]

This really hit home.

[@pipurs]

OMG. THANK YOU To hear another sane human being describe both my past and my present in such detail is equally enormously satisfying as it is terribly terrifying. I really needed to hear this as the "late bloomer" (53 years) I am. Wow.

[@tee57515]

This really made me emotional. I actually learned about code switching before I learned about masking. It helped me to quickly understand masking. It was so tough as a african american aspie to code switch and mask. I never felt like I could show up in the world. Unmasking is the best thing I could have done. I don't apologize for people's expectations of me anymore. I still fall into masking when it comes to work task but, I don't do small talk 😂 period.

[@Drackleyrva]

I believe one of my best friends has ASD. He was told he has ADHD but in my personal experience with him, he was wrongly diagnosed. He's become extremely close to me and is totally himself around me. But when we're with others, he's a different person when he's masking. Once we're alone again, the mask comes off and he's exhausted---it's almost like he was a lead actor in a Broadway play and the show is over. He can finally be himself around me. Thank you for your wonderful videos.

[@bunnyteeth365]

You can have both. It's pretty common.

[@purplephoenix4969]

My oldest friend, who has known me for over 2 decades said I was an extrovert the other day when she was talking about being an introvert. I laughed. I laughed again just thinking about it and how absurd the idea of me being an extrovert is. She now realises that's part of my masking. When I was younger I was the shy, quiet, weird one and it got me bullied or alienated, so I learnt how to project chatty and friendly. I now have a lovely group of introverted friends, many of whom are Autistic and they're great. If one of us cancels plans, we won't be worrying tbat we did something wrong because we're honest and just say why we can't do it. The same friend, who is a close friend, said she only feels like she's got to see the real me in the last few years. She was a close friend all those years, so knew that I was keeping a lot back, even though I was more myself around her than anyone else, there was still a mask there. I still mask around strangers or people I hardly know, there's a lesser mask sometimes around some friends, but most get to see my social version as you mentioned in this. Probably the only person who gets my 100% unmasked self is my son. Masking is exhausting and definitely as mentioned, it can have a negative impact on your image of yourself if you feel like showing people the real you will leave you totally alone. I think as I approach 40, I've just come to realise that it would actually be better to be alone and myself rather than have friends who only like someone who isn't real. They're not real friends if they don't like you for you. Obviously, when you realise that, you find actually there are people who do like you for you anyway and they're your genuine friends. I always had a massive fear of abandonment and at the same time was trying to not get too attached to people and keep them at arms length. I don't feel like that now. If you don't like who I am, that's fine. Not everyone will like me, but plenty people do. It's helping me stop people pleasing so much too.

[@Horsechemist]

WOW. I’m not sure I have ever resonated with something so much. In my early 20s now and only recently (in the last year) coming to terms with the fact that this is how I’ve been living my life so far. This is so real. Thank you so much for sharing 🙂

[@Death-nq4tj]

I found out about my mask at 22 years old a couple weeks ago. I collapsed on the ground in tears crying harder than ever before. I could see that the mask has been stuck in my body and in my head causing mental and physical suffering and tension. I can barely focus anymore at work or in public because it takes so much mental energy to keep the mask on(no wonder I've been so tired all my life). It is automatic at this point. It is devastating and tragic to me because I can barely connect with myself anymore. I saw myself deep down while on the floor in tears and I love him so much and miss him. The more I see me the more the act/mask slips off, but it is such a strong habit that I have that I have to strain myself at all times become more aware of the real me now. I am so thankful to have realized this though, and will try to get back to the real me. The thing is it's really scary to me because its all I knew, but I won't ever give up.

[@amanda.2416]

Could masking be one of the causes of my long-term depression? Because I always felt half dead, completely different, inadequate. Once I got the diagnosed as Asperger and could understand what happened to me, suddenly I got better

[@Hippowdon121]

Yep I'm positive it is a main cause for me

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Definitely, at bare minimum figuring out how to drop it or even reduce it would free up energy to actively deal with the depression. It really is a load off as I've allowed more of myself to show up, although after so many decades of heavy masking, it's a bit of an adventure to see what is all going on underneath.

[@user-xl6ny4qh6b]

And when my health allowed me to work, i was a dancer and it was amazing, because just the stage let me to be myself without any judge, because creativity is appreciated there.

[@ridindirty1301]

The older I get the more I don't care what others think. I only mask when I'm around people who have a negative vibe.

[@kingfisher9553]

This may be because no one ever suggested I was autistic throughout most of my life -- though I was sometimes called aloof. But I don't consider myself disadvantaged. My sister and brother were autistic and I wasn't anywhere near as "weird" as they. But . . . they were not diagnosed for many, many years, so there were a lot of different life skills and behaviors in the family that were "normal" for decades. So, how much of my behaviors are learned and how much are inherited? I was mostly considered very, very smart and someone who either didn't care what other's thought of them or didn't notice what others thought of them. Obviously I did care what people thought of me, but not enough to change either my behavior or my willingness to state the obvious in the face of bullshit (because there was nothing wrong with me and because I was brought up to be strong-willed). I was occasionally called a genius and a "master synthesizer." So, here I am, all grown up and definitely on the spectrum but I don't consider many of my eccentricities a problem. For instance, I don't consider talking to myself (or machines, or groceries, or utensils, or animals, or . . . clouds) as anything weird. I'm also pretty okay with hating phones, pacing when thinking, only talking with really intelligent people (preferably experts in their field), not going to parties, and being alone a lot (I really, really, really need my alone time). I'm an INFJ (personality type), so . . . maybe that means more than being a bit on the spectrum?

[@lennybuenrostro1351]

OMG- I think that with this comment I’ve discovered my own place on the spectrum… Thank you for helping frame this

[@TheGrumba]

Man I'm sobbing right now. I keep having to pause the video to get a hold of myself because I really want to work through this stuff and absorb it. But man, listen to me, what you are sharing here right now is changing my life. Thank you so genuinely. My wife (therapist with kids on the spectrum) has been gently nudging me for years to consider that maybe I have autism and that is the source of A LOT if not all of these devastating mental pitfalls I seem to live in. Ive been considering it and yesterday really took it seriously and will be seeking a diagnosis at some point. But, I just can't even describe what this realization is doing to me right now. I was really losing hope that my life and the world would ever make sense and I was so exhausted and so depressed. I would depersonalize and derealize and just white knuckle it. Been white knuckling it for 30 year man. A whole childhood and adolescence of seclusion and confusion and loneliness and being fake and dying on the inside is all being released and examined through a new lense right now. Thank you so much man.

[@dalejason]

This is totally me, masking for the last 30+ years. I'm 50 now. I was diagnosed with ADHD (anxiety, depression, eating disorder) after suffering severe burnout / breakdown in May 2021 and needed urgent Psychiatric help. I was also told I displayed observable ASD traits, but got no official autism diagnosis or indication of severity. Watching this now explains EVERYTHYING that has been going on in my head and my internalised feelings. I need to discuss this with my Psychotherapist at my CBT next week. Your channel has been really helpful for me. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[@brittareitz5421]

Thank you very much ... I am so glad, that I found your videos. I am in my middle 50th with no professionel diagnose ... I masked my whole life .. as a little child I learned to copy "normal" behavior to fit in and because of my alcoholic mother I learned early to "read" faces and moods ( to dissapeare if it got tricky) .. I became a Master of " Camouflaging" ...with adults it works very well, in school I had always very hard times... but blending in and masking took always so much energy, the most time of my life I felt exhausted

[@thelondoners-lifeisart]

Thankyou Paul, your work is incredibly healing to so many. I was diagnosed at 48 after my family broke apart and I lost my business. 15 years of struggling and trying to figure out what was going on while trying to keep up appearances. There are so many women in my situation I’m sure many of whom haven’t been able to unravel the tangle of confusion and negative self talk. I hope to be able to speak about my experience as eloquently as you have to reach more Aspies.

[@Vandil_theRogue]

I needed this. I just started to unmask recently after also finally getting treatment for schizophrenia; I just thought there was something broken with me and I didn't think about getting treated for the longest time. Thanks for being you man; I suspected I'm an Aspie for years, but I finally mustered the courage to get it evaluated and confirmed.

[@sugoiharris1348]

For the last few years I started to feel a very deep seated feeling that I’m not good enough for anything. I was having breakdowns all the time because of this. At one point, I had convinced myself that not even my mom thought I was good enough (she never did anything to say this, I did this to myself). I didn’t understand where this came from until I started therapy. My therapist didn’t do much besides let me cry and teach me how to comfort myself, but through those exercises I started to realize why I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Fast forward a bit and I did a training on autism for work and everything clicked into place. I’m autistic and I’ve spent my life masking. In fact for the few years leading up finally getting therapy, I was masking harder than ever before. I’m doing much better now, but I still don’t really know who I am underneath it all, but I have the knowledge and tools to accept whoever that is when I figure it out.

[@aurian-lay]

I've only recently come to realise that I am autistic, although at 67 years old I'm not aiming for a diagnosis. I have, literally half an hour before finding this video, finished the first draft of a book I am writing on all the drama and trauma that has filled my life. The book is a way for me to understand me - it's how I function, and it was on this journey of writing that I discovered my autism and SDAM. I already knew about aphantasia. It was also in writing this book that I first heard of masking and realised that I have masked for the last 45 years. I even gave it a name - The Actress on the Stage. It allowed me to function in daily life but ultimately has been a big player in much of the damaging aspects of my life including being disowned by my parents and my daughter. Thank you. I have just watched this and it is a relief to finally start to understand why my life has progressed as it has. Now to go and watch your video on how to take that mask off.

[@Duffetrut]

For me, this is the biggest problem of my autism, thank you for explaining it so clearly, now i am able to explain it a little bit better to the people around me. Thank you Paul!

[@sezmra]

At 42, I've begun to learn "why I feel different" no matter what I do to try and fix it. This particularly is currently what I'm struggling most with -- I didn't know this is what I was doing and the emptiness struggle is REAL. lol Thank you for making these videos; they've helped me tons in finding direction in the storm of anxiety I thought I was doomed to weather forever.

[@autisticash8281]

after 6 years of being treated for social anxiety , then finally being told after some family history given to me of my childhood .I wa then suggested to have a assessment. this explains the exhaustion I would feel every 3-6 months of trying to appear "normal" .

[@markar6395]

All these comments are so helpful to me. I'm nearly 60 Nd pretty burned out with a number of physical symptoms and cognitive weariness and stress. Self diagnosed at present but have had stage 1 of a formal assessment. It all makes so much sense

[@fanaphenix]

This is EXACTLY where I'm coming through right now. I started the diagnosis process but the results take a lot of time. I'm 27 and the more I think about it the more I feel like I never got the chance to build my own identity, and it hurts me so much, because I feel like I'm nobody, a mere shell of emptiness. I think I'm going to start a therapy. I feel mentally drained but I'm definitely not losing hope to find and be proud of my true self one day.

[@ChrisKadaver]

I'm not diagnosed but other people have started diagnosing me since I've stopped masking and I myself believe I am autistic. This is at the age of 37. The more outspoken I have become since I've started embracing "self without shame" I at the same time started acting shamelessly from a neurotypical point of view. And when I'm being critizised for being me, I've started being super triggered and more narcissistic almost looking down on neurotypical conformism. Like I'm the superintelligent übermensch. I'm trolling people just by being me. But when people attack me I get triggered like crazy and I've gotten a real problem with racing thoughts and really high blood pressure. I don't know if this almost have triggered almost hypomania at the same time. I'm really controversial but can't help myself. Anyone else that can relate? The more I'm being questioned by passive agressive people targetting me, the more hateful I get.

[@alextw1488]

This is deep, serious and thanks for articulating.

[@brianl.3579]

Short and sweet. I find myself getting outwardly angry and frustrated if I try to be myself. It hurts to stay hidden, and when trying not to hide. I have not been diagnosed But am sure I am on the spectrum. 61 and very lost right now. Also very uncomfortable even typing this short message. Thank you for all of your video's.

[@sum414everuakn]

I've had the same thoughts, especially when I was still in school... It's so damaging and I still struggle with all the issues masking has created (anxiety, depression, internalised hate). I've been trying to drop the mask with people I trust. One of my friends has ADHD so it's been a huge relief to know I'm not the only neurodiverse person, but it's impossible to do that with my parents. They are not understanding at all and insist on me not being different... It's tiring to talk to them because I know they will not be accepting. They will accuse me of wanting attention, tell me not to worry because I can't be that different. They never noticed anything therefore it's not there. It's really frustrating, too. Just putting that out there so maybe someone reading this doesn't feel alone, I certainly "like" reading stories that are similar...

[@popperjon9147]

This makes so much sense! I am just learning about masking. It is very draining especially after decades I have recently realized!

[@anncat1111]

Thank you

[@zirusoxemus5546]

This is something im really struggling with thank you for the video and for your channel you have been really helping.

[@barelylucid]

Thank you Paul, for your videos, they mean a lot. Masking has taken me personally to a point where I'm not sure who I am anymore, I think I've forgotten how to be myself and this sucks. Sometimes my inner self stares in disbelief to my masking self like yo wtf. It's quite a strange feeling, I don't know if any of you can relate.

[@fightington]

You seem more happy nowadays than in your earlier vids it's heartwarming to see and you are beautiful person Paul. Thankyou for what you do, it's really great 🙏

[@monaalexis]

I just discovered after 60 years of life my autism a little over a year ago and a few months ago discovered masking because of your videos. I have been masking all my life from people and surprise, myself. I feel like I do not even know myself yet. This will take some time for me. A lot of understanding has been flooding my way but the emotions that come up are difficult.

[@rosefriday4287]

This message resonates and speaks to me so strongly. I myself have been masking since I was at least 8 years old and I definitely feel like it has impacted my life in negative ways. But I've had the mask on so long, I'm not even sure who my authentic self is anymore. So I will definitely be checking out that unmasking video you mentioned