INTJ Relationship Advice

In today's video I talk about INTJs and relationships.
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[@ACRINFJ]

I feel the most comfortable when I'm having no romantic feelings for anybody

[@kNowFixx]

Exactly. Staying emotionally unattached feels best.

[@kraftmacaroniandbeez]

relationships with incompatible personalities are exhausting, but it's almost impossible to find someone who doesn't need emotional babysitting 😑

[@levigivens]

Damaged much?

[@Jamillakitchen]

Same

[@guitarcamo5473]

True

[@Jooney91]

When I was a teenager and young adult I was very unhealthy INTJ. As you mentioned I was trying too hard to get friends and bf, it was so effin' toxic (I was pretty much stucked in Ni-Fi loop). I am very happy now that I just can be myself. I am single so I cannot really give advices to other INTJs... but the general advice to whoever, don't forget that the most important relationship in your life ever is the one with yourself.

[@dirtywhitellama]

"If they're committing romantically that's a huge investment" so true .-.

[@Qdawwg]

Yeah the worst is when I commit and then the other person is like ok well now we can start investing since all he did was commit he hasn't really done anything yet. But in my head I'm like I actually committed that is a massive deal lol

[@inspektorsx683]

Pretty accurate. INTJ here, 25 and single all my life. I did this a long time ago with a friend of mine, I ask her to be my girlfriend but I was rejected, which is ok. But Indeed my error was that I tried too hard. Now I'm much more mature and I totally agree with you on the develop yourself first aspect.

[@guutiitsoq9574]

Infj, 32 here and single all my life.

[@inspektorsx683]

@@guutiitsoq9574 Damn INFJ fückboy? 😂 Two questions: Where do you live and how you do to get girls?

[@guutiitsoq9574]

@@inspektorsx683 Greenland. There is more men than women in Greenland. So i am already fucked up eskimo.

[@guutiitsoq9574]

@@inspektorsx683 I had to edit the comment because english is not my first or second language

[@pugninja7037]

I'm a entp and I had no issue initiating with the intj . You guys are funny how direct you are, You are far softer then people think.

[@froggiemoon7491]

I’m an ENTP, and I agree

[@pugninja7037]

@froggiemoon7491 I do think tho they have alot of pedestal placing too.

[@Qdawwg]

Yes it's all a front to protect ourselves. We are more closed off than hard, but we're not going to show that to anyone unless we really trust them

[@ganymede242]

Title "INTJ Relationship Advice". First thing you see: sweater emblazoned with 'Game over'. Sounds about right....

[@kimberlydonaldson4904]

Thank you! I prefer a few long-term relationships eg friendships over multiple short-term ones. Quality is better!

[@cazbee6126]

I recently suggested to my single mid-20s INTJ niece that it's good to have a few BFs when you're young.... it's ok to make some compromises and go out with someone who's not quite as bright as you'd wish. I think she almost vomited on me. She didn't say anything (APU) but I could see the bubbling Fi disgust trying to erupt out of her ear balls 🤣 Definitely gunna send her the Boo link

[@Qdawwg]

I'm a 29 Intj guy and I wish I had advice like this when I was younger. Why would I commit my time and energy into something that's probably not going to work out anyways? But now I realize that it's important to practice and build relationship skills, instead of trying to jump into a marriage level relationship but having no experience 😂

[@bouclechocolat]

I had to laugh at the xxFJ "let's talk about our day" part lol... INTJ with an INFJ SO. He REALLY wants to talk about his day at work when we're coming home, and it's not that I don't care to hear it EVER, but when I'm first coming into the house and still decompressing from my own day, I just want silence and cuddles.

[@malakashraf2801]

Ok but generally do you share your inner deep world and moralic system with him unlike He said in the video?

[@bouclechocolat]

@@malakashraf2801 Good question. I wanna say he gets the filtered version because while he knows my stance on moral issues, it's not like we sit around talking about deep philosophical topics all the time, and I'm past the age where I'm itching to Debate all the time. And as for my "inner world" I have a hard time answering that; just because I think about something doesn't always mean I have anything to say about it, if that makes sense. I think a lot about movies/shows I like, and my writing. We don't have a ton of overlap of interest there, so I don't see the point in yammering to him about stuff he's not into and won't want to share any input. That just feels one-sided and selfish, and I personally grew up captive to a lot of one-sided conversations from a parent so I hate feeling like I'm doing that to someone else. I do try to bring him into stuff we share interest in, like art shows and nature walks, but in that moment I'd rather enjoy the experience and having him present than try to externalize why I like this trail or why this painting is cool. Edit: all that being said, this may be a bit juvenile to some but I do like to send him random kiss emojis just as a "hey I'm thinking about you" lol, I don't know if that's what you're getting at

[@tehflooper]

and the types most likely to approach you following this strategy are ENFPs, in my experience, they are the ones who are consistently the first to initiate conversations with INTJs

[@leedlbagginshield8492]

because they start convos with everyone :D kind social butterflies

[@GiovanniBenevento_J-Hope]

In my opinion INTJs are so fast mentally that others can not keep up their pace, they "planned" a romantic relationship sort of rationally, but without taking into account the slow nature of building emotions in the other half

[@coralfeatherstone7019]

You don't think a mentally quick thinker considers the slow building of emotions or the time and energy that takes? Could you expand on that thought, please?

[@GiovanniBenevento_J-Hope]

​@@coralfeatherstone7019 Sure, here is my thought. INTJs are probably the quickest type, mentally. They are extraordinary in spotting the core of something and addressing it in the most effective way (Ni-Te). This is their "method of living", the key method to face every problem in their life. It works for everything since childhood. School, work, sport. Everything. They might be tempted to extend this method a little too far though, in the reign of emotions. They may think "I want a partner and here are the steps to have it" considering only marginally the other person. They might go to quickly to deep and frighten others like that. Emotions must be cuddles and cultivated slowly, leaving them the space to grow fully instead of "industrializing" them trying to make them as efficient as possible. I hope I have clarified myself better now, but this is just my point of view, of another INTJ

[@CalmWaters787]

Good point, I can relate to this

[@bouclechocolat]

I sit on extremes, usually depending on whether I met the person face-to-face or not. With IRLs I maintain a polite distance and tend very rarely let people in beyond some surface-level sharing of uncontroversial interests, even with friends I've known for years and years. With online friends I tend to jump straight in to the "deep" or weird stuff, idk, I suppose it just feels safer because I can simply block the other person if self-revelation ends badly. It's very difficult to navigate the middle, as it never feels like the "right" time to reveal something personal or start showing emotions to someone I hadn't in the past.

[@gabrielottaviano]

Wow. You went straight to the point of why I was so upset at work. Sometimes it is tiring to explain things to people.

[@DisarMn]

6:32 wow, I'm surprised at how well this applies to me. I essentially locked myself in a room all day, everyday for 4 years trying to master a skill. Now that I have accomplished my goal and have a very successful career from doing so, I need to actually get out and gain some type of social life lol. I only have a handful of friends, most a which are online, but I'm super close with all of them. Wouldn't mind a few more meaningful relationships, though, and a partner at this stage of my life. Will consider your advice and also work on other skill sets; maybe pick up guitar again or something. Thanks for this video, dude!

[@ourochroma]

My ex boyfriend pressured me harshly into expressing my emotions and other strong feelings that I don't usually express out loud. and it did exactly what you described. It really was one way ticked to dealbreaker land.

[@gardeniac.3782]

Oh geez, I would never be able to handle that. I like to express myself with people I'm close to but there is a core beyond that that I won't let ANYBODY enter. My parents and sister scratch the surface but when you get to that point I can't let people in. I broke up with my ex because he didn't feel I was emotionally invested. We both knew, we're still friendly but I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to satisfy someone's emotional needs as I'm not a very social person out of routine.

[@malakashraf2801]

@@gardeniac.3782 then what is the level of intimacy you want to reach with the person you're going to marry

[@gardeniac.3782]

@@malakashraf2801 honestly... I don't know. Given that I'm a high school senior I'm just going to sit on it for a bit. Having a romantic relationship hasn't really ever been on the forefront of my mind. I also have a social cues disconnect which makes it harder so I want a little more understanding of myself and what I should, can and will put into a possible relationship.

[@okami425]

I would say it's a bother if you don't give me the space to process things. I'm fine expressing my feelings, but stronger bigger feelings take more time to process. If I don't have that time and space to process it. I will well say what I said to my ex "if you can't even give me the little time or space i am asking for to process my thoughts and emotions than you can leave!" And I kicked her out. I'm very giving and I don't ask for things in return typically. So when I do ask for something it's normally not nothing.

[@quanquan32]

I'm very happy with my INTP bf. We've been together for 11 years. I agreed with what you said, an INTJ not going to share their happy or sad moment. I always choose what I think would be fun to listen for him to share. Sometimes I'm worried that this might be our future problems. But he is an INTP, we both stand our ground and prepare for the worst. That's also could lead to another problems, I suppose. idk.

[@laquon5000]

In short the best way for INTJs to get a relationship is to avoid trying to get in one and be forced into on by an extrovert? 😅 very helpful

[@anna.augustinova]

This was very interesting and helpful, thank you for your insights and nice explanation!

[@minna8720]

thankyouu ♥ it was indeed very helpful! I'm an ENFP in love with an INTJ - i think i'll be able to do better after seeing this video ^^ im happy i finally know a way to treat him better from now ! ♥ thank you

[@nhberrics]

Highly relate to this a lot of this in very specific examples in my life wow 👀

[@stathamspeacoat]

Great video, as always The only note I'll say is that when it comes to flirting, I'm not bad or awkward doing it. When I'm in the mood to "play the game" I'm very successful. It's just most times, flirting doesn't feel worth it. Either it feels phony or like a waste of time or worse, as the other person talks, I find so many eye roll worthy attributes that I just start to amuse myself by being charmingly mean. Partners have always been friends first and then I decide when it's going to be something else. Note: I date a lot of IxxPs.

[@fvm8906]

Your experience is also literally so me. There are atypical or non-stereotypical INTJs that are adept at flirting (you read that right people, INTJs who are fabulous flirts do exist and we do it effortlessly), but then our judgemental nature kicks into overdrive when the person of our affections reveal themselves to have traits that may trigger our pet peeves, then we cease to take them seriously. For most INTJs, the unrealistic high standards we envision and expect others to fulfill is a fault we must strive to overcome in regards to romance. We INTJs really are our own worst enemy.

[@annannya1356]

i came here to learn more about my personality type and see if it fits with me or not. and i learned a lot from what i might have to do when it comes to relationships. thanks

[@t5396]

Overall this was a great video. It would be awesome to see you do relationship videos for all of the 16 types. I don't know if you have done any other ones, but I think it would be very helpful.

[@mara3842]

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Excellent video.

[@coffeefordinner]

This hits hard... Recently my husband and partner of 11 years ended our relationship. Not only did it come out of left field for me, but I've been struggling a lot with the fact that I've wasted 11 years of my time on this relationship. I can accept and be at peace with the fact that he doesn't love me anymore - after all you can't force those things - but the loss of time is like a punch in the gut. I feel like I gave everything that I can to this person and tried my best, made all these plans for us, and now they're no more.

[@jameswilkerson4412]

Is one of you an INTJ?

[@BlairWaldorf2013]

It’s all just too exhausting, especially if you’re a woman. It’s like who has the time for all these games and then our Fi is truly a MF’er because once we’ve been hurt you may NEVER know it but it will stay for a looooong while. It’s too much mentally to go in circles when an INTJ could just spend the time doing something that will yield results. Again, as a woman in this climate of people wanting nothing meaningful it’s all just too wasteful I do agree that when we focus on our goals we tend to get around people on our level. This may lead to being around like minded people which yields a higher likelihood for a person you’d want to be in a relationship with as an INTJ.

[@marouadikra8486]

my therapist ..

[@obscurellepriscillatopin7506]

We happen to be in an era where "skill" is unfortunately in the eye of the beholder so I think that's worth noting. I actually enjoy hearing people's thoughts on dating but don't try to sneak dating up on an INTJ if you know what I mean ~ we appreciate clarity.

[@gardeniac.3782]

Agreed, I've actually taught my sister to get to the point when I need to know something. Like pot boiling help. [I mostly did it myself when I couldn't get words out] I would get lost in the indirect conversation. Just ask me already

[@obscurellepriscillatopin7506]

@@gardeniac.3782 pretty much, that's about it - though if I'm in a position to ask intelligent questions I usually like to help as much as I can, unless the person leaves ALL the work to me - then I think it's safe to go out on a limb and presume that companionship isn't a particularly huge need they have currently... If I'm not in a good position to help the communication along then I have to be like, "Sorry, but 🤷 please pass the ball..."

[@yfaewwegfawg]

As an INTJ, how do you develop trust for romantic partners? With dating apps and social media, any person can theoretically sleep with a new person every day of the year (365 potential partners a year, a few are bound to click better than you). It is like applying for new jobs; of course the more you apply for the more offers you get and some will be better than others.

[@Adoralla]

I'm half joking here, but the same way you vet potential employers: check the turnover rate.

[@jdcarrier953]

Personally I trust people when I understand their motivations. You can’t trust someone before meeting them or seeing them interacting with other people, that’s a progressive thing that comes at the same time as imagining some kind of future together.

[@missnerd4832]

INFJ here. I met my INTJ fella online. We talked for 6 weeks, then met in real life over a weekend (we live in different countries). Just talking for hours and establishing trust, getting to know each other. From the start we knew that this was solid. We did "our thing" in our pace and it worked perfectly for us. Your person is out there. Trust your intuition!

[@ENFPerspectives]

Mmmm... your outtake doesn’t take into account all INTJ. I’ve been in the group on Facebook and had married INTJ messaging me to get with me, and INTJ trying to hit on me with the same lines they used on other girls they were chatting up (and forgot that they told me about), INTJ just wanting to get sexual, and another having told me they have had 29 sexual encounters. I was also sexually assaulted by one who I genuinely liked and wanted to possibly have a long term relationship with. I had so many interactions with them due to a period of trying to see if my and their type were compatible. All that said, the side you’re giving is one side, a healthy side. It doesn’t allow (at least at the 3:49 mark thus far) for the outliers, which come in every type. My sister and her daughter both married INTJ (which is how I came to know their type early on, aside from school) and my sisters husband is addicted to chemicals, and my nieces, addicted to sex. Again, not all that’s written about INTJ is so straight-laced. I’m going to finish watching the video to see how balanced it is. For all of that I’ve said, I do still like the type; It’s just, let’s be honest about it? Authentic.

[@sevenmilano]

As an INTJ, I'm gonna have to agree. As much as I want to be a homebody and be productive, I kinda have to put out that 1% extraversion and allow myself to be seen by people, albeit physically or online. As much as I love the idea of a long-term relationship, I am always looking into the details of any relationship, whether it be friends or acquaintances. With that in mind, you'll build up experience in knowing the things you like/dislike about people, finding out whether maintaining relations is beneficial/detriment in the long run, and learn your own flaws and capabilities from a different perspective. I'm always down to lend an ear but if you want to hear from my perspective, just don't close-minded about how I answer it because it might not be what you like but to me, it makes the most logical sense. From what I've experienced, a lot of people cannot or choose not to understand how I approach topics objectively, so I just keep my mouth shut and go with it.

[@genius.heart.]

First❤️

[@stefan_gordik]

great!!!!!

[@fraxizztv6433]

Want a medal?- I mean, congrats!

[@genius.heart.]

@@fraxizztv6433 much obliged

[@Rawwcj]

0:46 bro....no

[@AuroraVarela]

I date an INTJ and I’m a ENFJ. I struggle amor because the ups and downs in my emotions with him are very often. I would like to ask you how do you approach an INTJ when their attitude is cold sometimes and hurts your feelings? Tougher we get along excellent but when he’s doing his stuff it seems that I disappear and that confuses me a lot. For your information we are both 50 year olds. Thank you

[@sirishasastry]

I'm an INTJ and would like to help. Most of the time when there's something we say, there is no ill intent behind it. Don't read between the lines either. We just mean what we say n that's it. We don't even know it might have hurt u, and while we can figure out u are hurt we might not the exact reason why for us to act on it or make it better. This sure is a problem we as INTJ have. As to what you can do, the best advice I can give is just don't take what we say or do personally. Just don't take it personally. We never mean it. Might sound narcissistic but we mostly engrossed with 'our work' and what needs to be done next. This will lead to us focusing on the goal so much we sometimes forget our environment. Doesn't mean we don't care. We do. Just not at the moment coz something important needs to be done. So just wait till the work is done or help with it if possible. We will come right back to you. I sincerely hope I've given u some insight, I'm not very good with MBTI stuff but this is just my experience. Have a great day :)

[@ChromaticTempest]

There's an insulator between the INTJ and emotion, a stoic tendency that rejects any flux in their feelings. It's why when in a stressful situation an INTJ can operate at or near peak efficiency. They can literally turn their attention off feeling and onto the situation. It's their super power. Of course every strength has a weakness and that's normal life for INTJ's. But much to the chagrin of INTJ's, in everyday situations a moderate expression of emotion is more than okay, it's expected. I think there is a common thread here for this personality type in formative experience--they were probably in a situation where feeling was painful and maybe even detrimental for mental health. That is, some sort of extreme situation, maybe traumatic, that causes the learning of stoicism. They have learned to turn down the noise, and emotion is often characterized as noise by INTJ's. Who likes noise? Whether it can happen or not, I don't know, but obviously if your INTJ doesn't know the struggle you deal with, they won't think to ease it. In general, I think this type prefers for those important to them be happy. For any well-balanced INTJ, telling them what is needed will inspire some action out of them, perhaps not immediate. They will need to think on it, of course. But telling the comment section won't get you anywhere other than quickly to a sore behind as the people here (hi) will kick you into talking with your s/o. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then your relationship is far rockier than can be smoothed by any advice from this platform and discussion with a health professional is best.

[@Qdawwg]

Don't take it personal. If he keeps you around that means he likes you ALOT becuase we would rather be alone most of the time. We can only focus on one thing at a time so if he's doing something then give him space, if you understand his boundaries then he will come to you when he is ready

[@malakashraf2801]

So about not sharing fi , firstly I understand that you need time to trust people , and that realistically there are different types of love and marriage could really work without the super passionate and deep love , and that forcing you to share every time I want to share is pretty controlling and arrogant , and that things like a good or bad day if you can process them easily on your own anyway then they are probably not that important to share and they are not the deep stuff I am looking for . But for example if after a month or 2 of saying I love you ( not i like you ) you can't talk to me about the inner world that you don't share with others and your moral system that you worked on your whole life , what does that say about the level of trust and understanding between us , how can you say that person knows me and will be able to handle me long term , if they confront you asking why you don't trust me what would be your justification? Hope anybody answers .

[@AsuraPsych]

Great question. From my perspective, I don't necessarily see it as an issue of not trusting a partner but more so that I don't think every aspect of every feeling or thought needs to be shared. The problem for most IxTJs is that they need time to process their own emotions, far more than the average person. Emotions are seldom experienced in real-time and instead it's more like viewing the emotion from a third person perspective. When that perspective isn't formed yet, it feels extremely unauthentic to attempt to express to someone else. For example, someone might do something that annoys an IxTJ and they could react angrily, with annoyance, or frustration, but more often than not they tend to step away from that and ask "why am I feeling like this?" If they express the direct emotion in and of itself, they are likely to feel like they haven't expressed a true version of themselves because their actions are not in line with their Fi interpretation of who they think they should be. To the IxTJs emotions/Fi are heavily attached to their persona, not only for others but for themselves. As a mental visualization think of an IxTJ having an emotion and then straining it through a colander to attempt to get the essence of what it is they are feeling. That essence is then what they will then attempt to express, usually via Te. It's not that they don't want to give YOU the raw Fi, it's that THEY don't want raw Fi themselves.

[@malakashraf2801]

@@AsuraPsych out of curiosity , how do nfps get it out from you

[@philipmack6651]

I thought that coffee brand was your first sponsor?

[@AsuraPsych]

Bones Coffee was an affiliate program that I signed up for because I like their coffee, they didn't sponsor or endorse my content in any way. Thanks for watching!

[@ivan5844]

Intj here I don’t like relationships so

[@rakshithphotography9907]

4:12 what's your wife's MBTI ? Hiw is your Compatabality

[@TrippyTrippin]

I just wait for an extrovert to claim me and if I like them I'll let them.

[@Qdawwg]

Unfortunately us Intj men don't have that option it's either grow some balls and approach confidently or stay single forever lol. Now on the flip side it I feel for Intj women bc they are really just relying on luck and have no control if they are just hoping to be approached. So I think that could get scary especially if they are getting older

[@gadmichaelmaryberepiki4289]

Boo isn't available in my country..any similar app to boo

[@Paintlor]

Where do you live?

[@Rms317]

Women: i need you to be emotionally available. Me: is anger cool? Her: no, keep that shit to yourself.

[@bouclechocolat]

Emotional availability is more than vomiting your own feelings at others, good luck working on that

[@Rms317]

@@bouclechocolat great demonstration.

[@bouclechocolat]

@@Rms317 of?

[@justequilibrium5662]

Could an INTJ shed some light on how it went with another INTJ romantically for them (2 INTJs) ?

[@ernahanggara8266]

Hi... me and my partner are both INTJ.... we both are very logical, we showed our feelings very differently. It is actually like a perfect match as we do not need to change ourselves because we can understand each other... fights very rarely occurred as we always communicate, we don't do angry signs, no hidden hints, no swing mood; we just directly communicate our feelings and thoughts to each other. We have been together by 8 years and many more will come.

[@El_Matador724]

@@ernahanggara8266 That's intriguing! As I thought the mutual extreme rationality would cause daily fights

[@paranthamanv5609]

@@El_Matador724 Two smart people can get along easily.

[@vera916]

INTJ = autistic spectrum or sort of personality disorder...?

[@atdzsny]

This talk would be a lot better without those pictures.

[@Scarecrow1410]

INTJs are doomed. That is all.

[@Ella-qg4bq]

All INxx types is doomed though! Humans seem to have been trained as acting as the animal level due to industrialization and technology? it's easily manipulated and stimulated like the bacteria in a peri dish but nothing more than what the biological chemicals tell them. kzbin.info/www/bejne/iIvHl3iVbMiXm5I This is super true. INxx types seem to process broad ranged or micro leveled perspectives in the reality so they understand much much more. Dealing with humans is equal to guarantee suffering for life so We need to adjust ourselves.

[@Scarecrow1410]

@@Ella-qg4bq Facts -INTJ

[@donwald3436]

I thought I'm single because I'm INTJ but this video taught me that I'm single because I'm garbage.

[@joshuam8146]

You talk so much constantly reiterating your points you must have been raised by single mother.