Attachment Theory and Emotion Regulation

Halifax Psychologist, Brad Peters, talks about attachment theory and emotion regulation, as it relates to emotional intelligence, connection in relationships, and psychological resilience.
Attachment is a term that describes an emotional bond - initially in childhood, with the parent or caregiver, but then later in life as well, with close friendships and romantic partners.
When an infant is in distress, it will be almost instinctual for most adults or caregivers to provide comfort. We do this through our physical touch, soothing tone of voice, and eye contact. Research suggests that these kinds of behaviors promote the release of dopamine (neurotransmitter involved in pleasure/elation) and endogenous opiates (the body’s natural painkillers).
It is also useful to remember the axiom: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” The parent finds the infant in a state of nervous system distress or chaos, and then uses their body, to move the body of the infant, into a state of calm or equanimity. When this happens with repetition and consistency, over time, the nervous system of that infant will ‘learn’ (like muscle memory for neurons) to more readily shift from a state of distress to a state of relative calm - this marks the very beginnings of what we call Emotion Regulation: the ability to tolerate, and ultimately regulate, high levels of emotional distress, without being flooded by feeling, or having to engage in various forms of psychological repression.
Fast-forwarding into childhood, we can imagine a child feeling sad. The tears are streaming down their cheeks, facial expressions suggest that they are in emotional pain, and their body posture is slumped over. In a perfect world (which only happens about 50% of the time), a parent will meet the child at eye level (dropping to one knee), will comfort them physically, and will offer that familiar tone of voice that the child intuitively recalls from childhood - and for all the reasons described, it feels good. But with language, now parents are ideally ASKING their child what they might be feeling, and the circumstances that led to them.
When the parent guesses correctly, the child feels like their parents understand, and if the parent is moved by their hurting child, the child feels themselves being felt by another. When this happens, it makes these painful emotions, which are almost unbearable in isolation, now bearable.
If we have these kinds of experiences in childhood, we tend to grow into adults with high emotional intelligence, who are able to experience and express their feelings, and who feel comfortable relying on others for psychological support. Those who receive less than that, because parents were perhaps not very good with feelings, took a problem-solving approach to addressing emotion, or used distraction or guilt to suppress them, tend to develop into adults with avoidant or anxious-ambivalent styles of attachment.
The important point to keep in mind is that while attachment styles are programmed early and unconsciously, once they are identified and made conscious, they can be changed. It is hard work, for sure, but this ‘earned secure attachment,’ will mean an end to maladaptive emotional patterns, that prevent us from dealing effectively with feelings, and that keep us stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
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Brad Peters' Website: www.bpeters.ca/
Our video content is intended for general public use and knowledge. We have the best of intentions in doing so, and derive our information from material thought to be reliable, valid, and supported by relevant research at the time of production. However, it is ultimately the responsibility of the viewer to assess and evaluate this information, and the statements provided, in light of their own situation or individual circumstances.
We offer information that is both general and broad; it is not intended to, nor should, replace a qualified mental health practitioner who is able to make judgments and decisions based on first-hand knowledge of an individual and their situation.

[@practicalintuition4030]

Shit. I just realized that I'm an anxious partner because my mom was a single parent who would be at work a lot. I have to tell my wife that I figured out why I am this way. I finally figured it out.

[@acarls5726]

neurons that fire together WIRE TOGETHER

[@michellecoronado4608]

Caroline Leaf listen to It's all truama No illness

[@RaysDad]

Wow, 50% of children don't have a "good enough" childhood. That's really sad.

[@metoo405]

Explained beautifully. Clear you're a very skilled clinician. Thank you!

[@Hawkman6788]

This was incredible! It really changed my perspective on the origins of attachment style. Absolutely brilliant!

[@passionatebraziliangirl.4801]

Thank you so much for this video: For the longest time I did not understand why some people are emotionally reliable dependable present ready to develop healthy relationships as friends or romantic partners and others come across as cold emotionally distant unreliable difficult. Lately I have been reading about "Emotional Attachment styles" and it is such a liberating explanation, wow!

[@fadiham3882]

Thanks Brad, great video. This video helped solve a lot of my inner questions that puzzled me for years.

[@biancadiaz7289]

Watched this like 5 times to get it all down correctly, but this is VERY helpful for student counselors in learning how to explain these concepts to clients. Thank you!!

[@lepuf1981]

I loved this video. Such great links from childhood to adulthood. Thank yo for sharing.

[@Justinehumanity]

You are really good at explaining these topics. I hope you continue, because I found your videos very helpful and have shared them numerous times. Thank you!

[@bridgitnoone2740]

this is great, well described and easily understood thank you

[@disiluzhund]

Excellent synopsis on the origins of emotional regulation and attachment styles. Thank you.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

+Jul ofDenial Thanks for your feedback.

[@hiridavidfeign]

This explains so much for me. Thank you!

[@lessandra602]

beautifully explained. thank you so much.

[@katieanderson6041]

Thanks for posting this video. I am going to forward it to my Infants and Toddlers Curriculum & Teaching students.

[@Lotuslaful]

Very well said and helpful Thank you

[@georgecarrera18]

this video seems reflecting me in way . i have trouble attachment. especially in relationship

[@oscillatewildly88]

This is so interesting and very well explained - thank you

[@Be1More]

experiencing yourself be felt... emotions become bearable because of human connection, then as adults can feel emotional closeness with others

[@blch290]

Wonderful explanation!

[@NM-bo5td]

Nicely explained, thank you.

[@beaugamble27]

Thank you for a wonderful explanation. Very clear and insightful. You've helped me to understand my own attachment style.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

+beaugamble27 Thanks for your feedback. Glad to know that you've found this video informative.

[@KingJorman]

very clear and helpful...I think you should add the very important but not obvious point to the video that you mentioned in the explanatory notes, which is that even though someone didn't get the secure attachment and the learning that accompanies it in that ideal time period of infancy and childhood, emotional regulation and emotion toleration is a learned skill that can be achieved at any phase of one's life with the help of a therapist or guide of some kind.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Very good points - well said!

[@dij7878]

Thanks for posting this presentation. I am going to forward it to my Lifespan Psychology students.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

+Dee J. Thank you.

[@happygolucky9986]

I remember thinking to myself 35 years ago, that we were going to have a generation of sociopaths from too many kids being in day care instead of being raised at home bonding with their parents. This new paradigm of Attachment Theory seems pretty much like what I had predicted.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Happy GoLuky yes, I've been concerned about these issues too. I believe life will simply become too and more isolating as new generations emerge. Clearly, technology will only contribute to everyone's lack of empathy and identity.

[@DaLastMonster]

Explains why we have so many crazy crimes going on

[@jackdawcaw4514]

It's not quite 'new' though. It's relatively old (Bowlby)

[@avacaza7851]

Or maybe you're too quick to judge and a new generation of kids endured severe child abuse and videos like this are here to help us. 🙄

[@fedx5879]

Awesome explanation.

[@SaraSmileTube]

Amazing video🌞 Really sheds light on very important information to help us understand our children and their important needs. Many Thank you's!

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

You are very welcome! Glad you found it helpful.

[@vc3694]

I’ve been a therapist in private practice for over thirty years and this presentation was really beautifully explained 👍

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Thanks - much appreciated!

[@peamarvelson4317]

Very well said! Thanks

[@otaviooliveira9454]

Very elucidative, thanks

[@ChavisHappenings]

Well put, Thank you

[@JasonGafar]

Shalom!

[@colorsofbeing8573]

Thank you!

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Charolette B. Thanks for the note; you are very welcome.

[@vanessaallen6963]

Excellent: clearly presented at a good pace. I loved the picture behind you by the way!

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Vanessa Allen Thanks for your feedback!

[@yoummnaandary8444]

i wished i had these information, when i had my first child at the age of 16yrs old.

[@JasonGafar]

It's not too late. Healthy attachments can be rebuilt because the brain can rewire itself.

[@PeachesCourage]

I've had an attachment to my Mother . And it actually has messed my life up to a certain extent. One portrait after another and finally you might realize what? This is actually my Mom I'm attracted to why? So thank-you this is to true

[@jacquelinethereseplunkett221]

Scary how sad this makes me. I need to get my uterus removed before I pass on what happened to me. It stops with me. First, do no harm. Best interests of kids

[@skionen1781]

Excellent!! Stuff

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

***** Thanks.

[@cheriswigart7959]

Hi. I really enjoyed you comments on this subject. Just wanted to mention that something in the sound recording is not coming through in stereo. Makes a soft spoken person like yourself difficult to hear.

[@CobaltLobo]

avoidant attachment and anxious ambivalent attachment

[@shamanca9804]

Thanks for the video, I found it very interesting since I am struggling with attachment especially in the area of relationships. I am aware that I have a significant problem with emotion control, I usually get obsessed about my partner, my whole life becomes my partners life and then when I'm alone I don't know anymore who I am, I feel emptiness, can't eat, it probably resembles an addiction. I feel happy only when my partner is with me and gives me all of his attention. Is there any effective way for me to get help? I am considering a therapy with a specialist but is there a way I could work on it on my own?

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

I think there are almost always things you can do on your own, though there are also limits to how far you can go with trying to put self-knowledge into action. Most people describe experiences like yours - they understand what they are doing and why it is unhealthy, but they can't help but fall into these all too familiar patterns. In my opinion, this is because emotional reflexes, habits, or ways of relating to ourselves/others are often implicit (operating outside of our awareness). And because the conflict/difficulty is grounded in emotions or bodily sensations, one could argue that the best way to deal with it is not through an abundance of thinking or insight, but through exploration these issues at an emotional or experiential level. A skilled therapist should be able to help you work through many of these issues. Check out some of our other videos to get a sense of what therapy might be or what you might want to look for in a psychologist.

[@wellnessconnect3368]

Sha Manca You sound like you have BPD. I have it. Look into it. Kids can get it from this type of trauma and not exhibit it until their 20’s and in relationships etc. I would recommend going to see a trauma focused therapist or attachment trauma specialist and then later or simultaneously get into DBT or CBT group therapy to learn how to handle the intense emotions and obsessive longing and need of your boyfriend. I hope this helps.

[@gpooleii]

Thanks for sharing. Excellent

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

+Glenn Poole, II Thanks for your feedback!

[@charnleigh5135]

I don’t know if that’s what I’m observing. My husband alternates between warm affection and even distressed concern for my wellbeing - particularly if one of us has to go out of town even briefly, to angry personal attacks. It’s almost as if he loves the idea of me but can’t deal with the reality of living with me. The constant push and pull is exhausting. I never know which version of him I’m going to see.

[@brenb9793]

I amin the process of healing from a severe trauma and my boyfriend has basically been like the parent and I the infant God Bless him,but I'd really like to start becoming stronger and more independent so that I'm not drowning him. You explained what i am going through perfectly. I was wondering if u had any suggestions for me. Thank u so much.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Hi Brenda - thank you so much. I can't give you any personal advice, but what you are describe sounds quite common. I'm about to release a couple of new videos on emotional communication and building trust ... you might find something helpful in there, so stay tuned (and subscribe if you haven't yet). Take care.

[@eliseboutin9747]

Can a very mild case of this transpose itself into, or help the developement of a major depression? If so, how and why? Thank you! Great video btw

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Yes, I think so. Attachment theory is, for me at least, a way of explaining how we intuitively learn to identify and regulate our emotions, how we emotionally relate to other human beings, and how we learn about ourselves through the eyes of another (e.g., as being unconditionally lovable/worthy or implicitly flawed-inadequate). So I think it's reasonable to say that insecure attachment dynamics can make someone more susceptible to developing depression.

[@BunchofStyles]

how do we fix it if we have a anxious attachment style but we understand that as a child our parents were unavailable

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

+Christina Cha That's a tough question - one that I may attempt to answer in a future video. The challenge might be put this way: "How does one apply this abstract 'knowledge' or 'understanding' (e.g. of having a particular attachment 'style'), in a way to actually CHANGE emotional and interpersonal response patterns that seem to operate independently without conscious control." Conceptual understanding is only one small piece. One might even argue that it is the least important (e.g. you can't always 'think' your way into feeling different). In my opinion, the "real work" happens when you have other people in your life - perceptive individuals with a high emotional intelligence and an intuitiveness about you - who can almost 'catch you' falling into unhealthy patterns or ways of feeling, gently 'remind you' how it might be unhelpful to you or the relationship, and invite you to do something different ... this will likely stir up feelings (especially anxieties) that you will then either be tempted to avoid (the usual tendency) or allow yourself to experience (usually requires significant struggle and determination). If you take the latter approach, you are more likely to 'work through' some of the feelings connected to the attachment style or defensive mechanism, though it won't be easy ... most of us will have our whole life history working against us. Still, it can be done, and it doesn't have to take a lifetime either (many short-term therapies, that is 8-12 sessions, can help you make significant progress in these areas). So you might do this sort of thing ideally with a therapist, but it could also involve a close friend or partner who knows you really well.

[@BunchofStyles]

Wow thanks for responding thanks for a great answer. Your very handsome happy thanks giving

[@leica0000]

+Cornerstone Psychological Services I've been reading a lot about adult attachment disorders. There seem to be so many "miracle cures" like EMDR, etc. I'm sure they have their place. But I have to say this reply of yours is the best advice I've read. I wish I'd read it a year when I could have genuinely helped someone with attachment issues.

[@MsNita563]

I think my attachment to my daughter is OK. But I think my daughter is manipulative and acts up when she is asked to do what she does not want to do. She's 10 how do I handle that

[@AwakeningLeela]

if a child has feelings of uselessness and feeling like nothing,where would that come from.would a parent pass on an emotional block?.how can it be fixed.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

It could come from many places. For example, it could result in part from a child having a parent who was emotionally disconnected, distant, or unempathic (for all sorts of reasons, ranging from their own childhood neglect, to dealing with physical/mental health issues, or having to attend to an ill family member), leaving the child unsure about their worth in the eyes of the parent (& others). We might also imagine a scenario where the child interprets the parent to be unable to tolerate their emotions (maybe they see the parent worrying about inances or some other stressor), and so internalizes their feelings, which could get compounded if they are additionally bullied or socially excluded by peers. All of this stuff is changeable, though it operates implicitly, and on an emotional level, so it takes a little more attention and hard work ... usually tolerating discomfort/anxiety to move toward greater intimacy and vulnerability with caring others.

[@michaeldavis9422]

I have asperger's and for general day to day stuff I can regulate my emotions, but when it comes to extreme situations I scare myself when it comes to emotional regulation. I just can't do it and I dread what I may do. There are physical differences in the autistic brain that affect emotional regulation.

[@werkmsa1806]

This is exactly why I am watching this video. I am trying to understand an Aspie man who evidently got freaked out when he realized I had feelings for him. It seems he is only comfortable with superficial relationships. I think hes ex wife really messed him up, maybe that's why he has a wall up. He won't answer my texts, yet, he has not unfriended me on Facebook. Hard to know if this is from the trauma from the breakup of his marriage, or it's Aspie anxiety. 🤔

[@lykimgech3806]

Thx q

[@tengotsertsvadze8231]

subtitles plss

[@MayaState]

That painting is way too distracting to be necessary in this shot. Great speech on a great topic, though.

[@HalifaxPsychologists]

Thanks. Still working on how to properly 'stage' the videos ... I appreciate the constructive feedback.

[@MayaState]

You're welcome. I have a bachelor degree in filmmaking and part of my teaching was art direction, which involves placement of objects and colors in a frame. I would suggest removing the painting and having less head room. Or even lower the painting if you want to include it in the frame. The main issue is the composition of the frame, which appears to mainly be set up for the plant, painting and chair, with the speaker happening to be in the chair. With the frame set up for the speaker, it can be easier to position the objects accordingly. In the end, graphic weight is what matters, and we always want the most graphic weight to be the speaker's eyes, instead of decor, clothing, or lighting. Balance is everything, of course, and it's always a learning process.

[@yourbadmum]

It is not distracting. At least, not for all

[@stealfire1]

Interesting but too slow to follow.