What Men With An Avoidant Attachment Style Need To Be Happy

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@Solaris501]

Thank you for being so helpful after my breakup. I’m an avoidant male in attachment recovery. I don’t expect anyone to change for me, I’m the one who has to fix my attachment issues with therapy. 🙏🏼

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear that you're awake to the problem and doing your due diligence. And glad I could be here to assist. Let me know what you need as you move forward.

[@sonaliduttamusicandart]

After I fell in love with the amazing human being my avoidant partner is, I just feel so happy to see someone avoidant, just to understand how they feel and how they can overcome their trauma. He is not talking to me for almost past 2 months and I am waiting for my man to be wise enough to identify his fear and brave enough to overcome it. I am waiting for him. Meanwhile, I want to ask, how do you feel as a avoidant to know that there's a girl who's waiting for you even after knowing your challenges? 😊

[@a.d.b535]

That's great you're working on your stuff. Half the battle is becoming self aware and being willing to step up to the plate to learn better interpersonal skills.

[@RyanMcDonnough]

SAME! I’m in the exact same situation. Learning about attachment theory has been revelatory. Time to do the work…

[@sonaliduttamusicandart]

@@RyanMcDonnough I wish you all the very best.. and we all are with you!! 🙏🏻😇

[@gemmaburns6407]

My experience with an avoidant of 4.5yrs they want you in their life but don’t want to share their life! Two very different things! If you can except that then it may work, I’m a secure person thank god but want a full on committed relationship 😅

[@bethechange9762]

This makes so much sense…no wonder we have an epidemic of addictions…it’s a symptom of attempts to create connection

[@AttachmentAdam]

Exactly right. That's why so many of my clients stop their addictive behaviors once they get into secure relationships - their brains are finally fulfilled!

[@dr.vonslifeinvesting6485]

Interesting

[@inyoureyes25]

I’m beyond grateful to hear this talk. I’m a female avoidant and just broke up with a man like me..not understanding what was happening. 😔

[@thechatterbot]

You are describing my whole personality. I found a partner who has helped me realize I have an avoidant attachment, and through these videos, I can keep myself awake

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that the videos have been insightful for you! Recognizing your attachment style is a big step toward healthier relationships. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or need further guidance.

[@vicbaker8367]

How did your partner help you realize ( without you being so wounded withdrawal was necessary)? I have no idea how to let my avoidant friend he’s so avoidant that we’ve never actually had a relationship. And after a year, it’s just a burden.

[@mbrsart]

Man, you really nailed my two biggest relationship fears there. I fear that I will never experience the joy of having a family. In the book club call in the AC, I said that I see all my friends that have kids that are approaching school age, and I fantasize about holding my own baby and looking down in his little chubby face and I want to give that kid the world. But I worry that I'll never be able to find someone because there are too few single people still left within my dating pool, and I often feel like I'm running out of time. When people tell me I have plenty of time left at 34, I find it extremely difficult to believe them, because I just can't see the abundance they claim exists. And I worry that if I find someone she will mistreat me, that she will be marrying me just because her biological clock is screaming at her, and she'll be settling for me, and she'll act like I mean the world to her before we get married, then do a 180 and be a terrible partner as soon as she says, "I do." I'm as terrified of being mistreated as I am of mistreating others and being burdensome.

[@Ramanhere468]

Wow, dude. Chill. Breathe. If you keep thinking your future person will do a 180 then guess what, she will. You’ll manifest these negative thoughts into your reality. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Just take it day by day. This is coming from an almost 35 year old, single female. Im not settling. If that’s an comfort to you. Lol

[@lizb4156]

So all this panic for a chubby baby? I don't even think about shit like that, think of your own life.

[@chelsy2255]

you worry about someone else's biological clock when actually your clock screaming at you either. flash news: relationships are about two people not just about you. keep away from women or children, you're harmful, they will end up hating you like I hate my avoidant father. Go get therapy.

[@mbrsart]

@@chelsy2255 I'm sorry your father hurt you. I am in therapy. I'm here to fix my attachment, and I fully acknowledge my fears are faults. You accuse me of being harmful without knowing me at all, and that's equally harmful. It's a way to ensure people never heal. Don't use therapy as a weapon against men. Don't verbally/emotionally beat them while they're being vulnerable.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

We have to step into our fears in order to heal. Don't listen to these toxic people. There are good women out there, very good women, as well as those who are not. Listen to Adam's 4 levels of trust to discern which are which. No-one is perfect, any more than you are, so don't run at their first mistake. Communicate and work out together what happened so it doesn't need to keep happening. It is just a little bump in the road, not a relationship breaker at all, as long as you dare to trust each other and work on your relationship together. Wishing you a warm, loved and fulfilling future life!

[@FakeCatEars]

It means a lot to hear someone articulate this all at a deeper level. In the era of infotainment it’s so easy to structure content around viewer retention and advertiser-friendly formats, but this bare bones low production approach really let the message shine through. I appreciate you making this and showing people like myself who long to be understood that someone gets us. I’m 35 and despite being stable and talented, in shape, resilient, and charismatic, I have starved in the ways you’ve mentioned all my life. I appreciate you taking it to a higher level and talking about neurotransmitters, as well as the candy bar metaphor. I’m only halfway through the video but I wanted to extend my sincere thanks to you.

[@miyawinn623]

I love your videos about DA men. I love your compassion towards them. Thank you for your videos and compassion. I'm an anxiously attached women who has done a shit ton of work and has had many DA partners and have seen the vulnerable beautiful side of them and I am grateful for the work you do.😊

[@miyawinn623]

@@misssrednas Dismissive Avoidant

[@Ugnele]

Will you do the same video for women? Thanks! 🙂

[@mindsoulrelax4360]

You and your videos are an answer to prayer for me. Thank you! I'm anxiously attached and never realized how much my need for affection stresses him out.

[@DaveE99]

Adam your the only person I’ve heard talk about vassopressin bonding. Why is this? You need to be writing articles for the women’s magazines and stuff.

[@nunya5270]

God bless you, your message in this video is so incredibly helpful and KIND. I love how empathetic you are for people dealing with difficult inner pain from trauma who find trusting relationships so challenging that it has a debilitating effect on them, & prevents them from getting close enough to others who would offer them genuine love. ❤ God bless you, darling.❤❤❤

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Hello, I am fearful avoidant woman and i want to learn how to love an avoidant man right. I would really want to at the very least. Thank you for dedicating your life to something so beautiful like helping people to recieve and give love for the first time in their life. I have been watching videos about attachment styles for over a year and have learn and understood a lot since I first found out about attachment styles. However most of them are done by female therapists and I am finding your videos topping up all I already know with so many new informations. I can see how much you understand avoidant men, it's so beautiful to see that compassion and dedication you show. It fills me with hope ❤

[@kylahyland7048]

Hey! I was going to write a comment about being a Fearful avoident woman with an avoident! Glad I found your comment. I have also been researching and learning for almost 5 years, and only yesterday I found this man and agree so much with you. Every therapist I have been learning from have been female, and I have always had a sense that they don't explain the Dissmissive man's emotions correctly. They focus more on how to detach and fulfil yourself from dating a dissmissive guy. But I myself don't desire to give up and move on. So it's very refreshing to finally find someone who helps us understand the mind and emotions of what the dissmissve goes through.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@kylahyland7048 Hello there 🙂 Same here, I don't want to detach either and wish I have found him little bit earlier. Hopefully it's not too late yet :) I wish you all the best and good luck in your journey. I believe I found what I needed my entire life and although it doesn't seem like it at the moment something in me tells me to stay strong and try my best. So that's what I am trying to do now I have found all these amazing mentors 😊

[@kylahyland7048]

@LenkaSingh-gl2be I found my guy when I was 14. He was 16. We are now 27 and 29! We have gone through a lot in our separate lives but have always come back together. The more I understand attachment theory and myself and him the easier it is to understand the dynamic. Some would call me crazy for being so devoted, but at the end of the day, it's my life, and I know what I want. Besides, if I never met him, I don't think I would be on this path of healing my fearful avoident side. I wish you all the best in your journey also ❤️ if you ever need to talk, reach out! We both know what it's like to be in this dynamic.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@kylahyland7048 ❤Thank you so much! I will be in touch propably as you have been on that path for longer than me! Well done for holding on and be true to your heart. I know him close to 4 years now and our attachment is making a progress in a speed of a 0.1 miles/hour...at least seems like it to me. I am now 40 years old, broken marriage with completely wrong person and 3 children with him (ive done everything to keep that marriage until i completely burned out, broke down in despair and depression and had to leave to save myself and my children. It was very toxic). I experienced spiritual awakening and started my healing. For the first time in my life I am putting myself first now by recognising deed connections, recognising my soul and following my hearts desire. Everything I have deprived myself my entire life off. Noone knows of him as it is not an official relationship and I know nobody would understand. But I know this is what I have to do. Healing is the utmost importance in my life now right after my children's health :)

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Thankyou Adam, Yes, I'm seeing that he is more in touch with his. emotions but he seems less connected in our relationship, so there isn't opportunity to reassure him about expectations so he can relax into our friendship.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes him seem less connected in your relationship?

[@your.music.worldd]

You are brilliant. Thank you for all the infos. You made me understand my relationship with my avoidant. I was so confused with the dynamics and always felt that something was off.

[@janetadams3467]

So helpful and gives me hope to keep loving an avoidant

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this is helpful! Are you currently with an avoidant man right now? And if so, is it proving a challenge?

[@janetadams3467]

@AttachmentAdam yes I am, sort of, maintaining a friendship and giving space. Did some of what you suggest intuitively and it works

[@LovelyDejadej]

You described my situation with my parents perfectly. Anxious mom I had to care for and parent and a father that’s authoritative.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear this resonated with you. How are you ensuring this doesn't affect you now or create an unhealthy pattern in your current relationships?

[@LovelyDejadej]

@@AttachmentAdam I honestly try to keep my boundaries and stick to them. If I meet people that have some of the same patterns I usually distance myself. Emotionally it’s a lot to deal with. My relationship improved over the years with my mother. My father still the same. The friendships I have now are better than what they were when I was a child.

[@kristenrossi3048]

I’ve always been anxious in relationships and then did a lot Of Work to become secure and in the beginning of my relationship with my avoidant partner I still was but as he kept triggering me with his behavior I reverted back to anxious and it fell apart. Now I find myself avoidant. I don’t want to risk opening up to anyone.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Check out the Attachment Circle mentorship community if you're looking for a year of personal guidance from an attachment specialist in 100+ group calls plus a supportive network of growth-minded companions to join your on your attachment journey. adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/

[@stuart3808]

I've seen a lot of content and this is some of the best. Edited as I watch the end: you really nailed so much.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your feedback! Which part stood out the most to you?

[@stuart3808]

​@@AttachmentAdam I wasn't 100% I'm avoidant, but it does check out. Didn't realise the link between avoidant and NPD, interesting. The different types of chemical bonding also interesting, and the cortisol/dopamine stress/cope cycle. I am definitely scared of being hurt so haven't opened up or bonded properly with anyone. Mum was extremely submissive and dad an asshole, so that checks out. I think stating that you can't fix it on your own is so important. I've tried to rationalise/fix mine for ages with not much luck. I know I'm missing out, and that is really killing me. It's reassuring to hear it can be fixed.

[@nakitanash]

@@stuart3808 Maybe you can continue with the group support and be honest when you get in a relationship w a secure person. As you said, we heal through experience, not intellect. Seek it with humility, yet with a commitment for self respect at every step and find a partner who is able to take that journey with you

[@franktaylor7978]

8:55. I finally experienced that only to get betrayed… again

[@cjthefox]

This is really helpful for both parties even if you aren’t looking for a romantic relationship the levels of trust are so incredibly important to me now and guidelines I’m trying to use before I reveal or ask too much of those around me. 😊

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Thankyou Adam, yes, I've refreshed my memory of these and you talk about how He might feel confused because it feels good but scary. Is an avoidant still likely to have periods of pulling back and blocking off because of the unsafe feelings that beginning to heal brings?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear you've been finding this helpful. The truth is yes, that might happen periodically until the avoidant feels completely safe and trusting in the relationship and their partner. It takes patience, but it's worth it. Are you starting to see any changes already?

[@vivianc2963]

I just broke up with an avoidant man. Your videos help me understand a lot about our dynamic. It also makes me realize how much this man loves me. I would like to get your program “How to love an avoidant man” to rework our relationship. The only concern I have is your opinion on anxious women. I consider myself leaning towards anxious and I also become anxious after being with him for two years. Does your program help with this type of connection or you will be bashing anxious women in your program like in some of your videos?

[@Detour-2002]

I have severe avoidance attachment issues that I have been living with for many decades and recently have discovered this disorder. I have read both slay your fear and NMMNG. I’ve gone through with life being confronted on many issues from friendships, marriages and careers. I never confronted anyone who has disrespected me and never rocked the boat. I’m always doing things for others and put myself as unimportant. I’m going through a divorce right now and will take advantage of actually living on my own for the very first time and will need help in reinvesting in my self when I’m willing and able financially. I will need some help. Thank you for your help and time.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Excellent to hear that you're now facing these challenges and refusing to accept how things have always been. Let me know how I can assist you in moving forward, I am always here to help.

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

You are worthy!

[@Detour-2002]

@@TRUTHbomb2.0 thank you for your support

[@secretshaman189]

A very compassionate and informative description. Thank-you!

[@HellenofTroy897]

You come across as extremely competent. Thanks for this information.

[@vaundabarnett4756]

Adam, I have looked at so many videos from practitioners trying to decide who to learn/heal with. I feel hope when I listen to you. You talk about believing I can heal and that made me gasp. I tried to figure out how to DM you a few months ago. Failed lol. Not giving up,…

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's amazing to hear! It truly warms my heart to know that my message resonates with you. You have the strength and potential to learn, heal, and build secure attachments, and I'm here to support you. Keep exploring the resources, and don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions along the way!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can reach me through [e-mail] - I'd be happy to connect and help.

[@vaundabarnett4756]

@@AttachmentAdam thanks a bunch I appreciate it! I tried to log in after purchasing the boot camp last night. I don’t know what I did wrong but it’s telling me failed to login.

[@bandida99]

thank you, sir; national treasure, you are!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much!

[@seriousjan5655]

Hi Adam, could you recommend reliable test on attachment styles online, please?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Jan, send me an email and I'll get you my guide I wrote myself for this, [e-mail]

[@lindaluna8999]

Love watching your videos, Adam you’re really helpful and it’s helping me to understand the avoidant partner that I have I realize that I might be on the spectrum of anxious, but I’ve worked so hard on myself that I’ve learned to let things go and not be so needy and continue to love myself and live my life ! My question is when my avoidant partner shuts down and does not want to communicate at all what is the best thing for me to do? Is it just to let it go and not saying anything because I care enough about him that I want to work things out and I’m trying very hard to understand. What is your recommendation? Thank you so much

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words, Linda! I'm glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you in understanding your avoidant partner. If you need further guidance on handling these situations, feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] - We can chat privately and address this situation as needed.

[@chanmonymiller1698]

I love your content and it has been super helpful. But I wish you had more for anxiously attached people, especially women.

[@laurathurlow3634]

Join button is on your right, Adam. :)

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you very much

[@fionakarbel258]

I love this! thank you

[@ashleyobrien5791]

I love your tenderness towards avoidants, etc. My avoidant partner had the authoritarian abusive father and most likely a controlling mother … have said that I am in his life to show him real authentic love, he has both fears - only so many years left to enjoy his extreme hobby since he’s 46, not easy to budge out of his routines, but he does include me in a part of his life, but the vasopressin bonding is lacking and I have asked about doing activities together…we have occasional dates; he loves my house and cooking ….he says I always I Just do things by myself🙃 he works about 6 days a week- 7-8pm sometimes … are there better ways to request this bonding time ? He isn’t aware of his attachment style either, but I am an expert on he snd myself now 😅 any ideas on how to share about attachment without sounding like a diagnosis?

[@loramiller7941]

Hi, Adam! In December I lost the love of my life to cancer. I've been watching your videos for the last week because an ex is back in my life. I'm pretty sure he has an avoidant attachment style. My anxious attachment style, which was kept at bay while my fiance was with me, is now raising itself. It is too soon for a relationship, but I've always cared for him. We are trying to be friends, but he wants benefits (dopamine). My question is how do I bring up attachment issues with him. I'm working on my attachment style with Briana Macwilliam. She, like you, is excellent in explaining, but I think he would trust you more. Any suggestions you may have on broaching this would be so appreciated.

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

Tell your old flame you need time to grieve and if he cannot respect that then he needs to back off. IMO he is preying on you in your time of weakness. Keep him at arms length!

[@desertbluesplaylist7550]

Excellent and so well explained

[@michellegirau8136]

I wish I would have known about attachment 20 years ago. I have FA, and i think he was also FA. I loved him so much but I really thought I would get hurt if we were going to get married, so I ended up hurting him. So horrible.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This happens quite often, and I've found that two FAs together creates a lot of chaos for both parties. Glad to hear you're aware of the issue now and working on resolving it. Definitely let me know how I can help you moving forward, there is no reason to stay FA with a clear pathway to fixing it!

[@michellegirau8136]

@AttachmentAdam I'm definitely trying to be more secure. The anxious part seems to have gone away, but the avoidant side is still there. I think being a therapist myself has helped, and I love your videos.

[@asushomie4387]

I’m an avoidant and recently an anxious attachment girl proposed me is to is going to work for long term!?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Adam, how does an avoidant feel and what do they experience when they start to heal?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great questions. I encourage you to go over to my channel and check the playlist titled 'What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like In Relationships?' You'll find me explaining their neurobiology and tackling these questions in depth. Let me know if this helps!

[@Herbs-4-life]

Is it possible for a man to be avoidant and not feel fear?

[@valdius85]

Q: please define the age you mean when saying “childhood”. Until what age? “[…] did not receive high oxytocin in childhood […]”.

[@AttachmentAdam]

The research goes back and forth on this. Attachment appears to begin at the moment of birth and becomes more cemented as time goes on. That said, I've seen my clients change their attachment even into their 70s, so I know it never becomes too late to change.

[@valdius85]

@@AttachmentAdam The reason I asked was because I received lots of attention and love early on, until the age of 5. Then it changed drastically. Nothing abusive, just not enough attention. I commonly felt like a burden to my father. So when any psychologist says “in childhood”, I would like to know what that person means as childhood has different age gaps for different people and contexts.

[@breestep9591]

I think your brain chemistry can change at any age if you are in a stressful/neglectful situation for a very long time. Even one bad relationship can change your attachment style but also a good one can heal it. My opinion from what I've read and experienced.

[@leighjennings4349]

I had a man who was a narcissist and an avoidant attachment person who has hurt me to the point where I don’t trust anyone somehow I’m becoming an avoidant attachment personality he left me for my “friend” to the point that I am now a cross between anxious attachment & avoidant attachment because I don’t trust anyone anymore not only that he is continued to force me to live in a hostile environment because we own a home together while trying to tear down and ruin everything inside the home including the home and I’m at my wits end

[@deemart7397]

Is this covered by PPO insurance?

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

I'm so confused about the attachment styles. I am shy, my husband is shy, we seem like we are both avoidant because we require lots of alone time and are content with having a few friends vs many. My entire family is shy, even most of my relatives, it's in my DNA not from some form of childhood trauma. We don't have a lot of the issues you bring up with this attachment. We get along well as long as we give each other enough space. So are we normal attachment? Most people are so needy and always needing social interaction and the older we get the more we want to avoid those kinds of people. They are so emotionally draining to be around. We are very content with our own small family, we love our kids and even if they were not our kids we would want to be friends with them. My family is my most important interactions. I know we are not the norm, but with the way the world is going quite nutty, I feel like not being the social norm is a good thing.

[@pascalelzinga]

With what you are describing, it doesn't necessarily sound like Dismissive Avoidance but instead could be a point on the ASD spectrum (autism). There is an lot of overlap between the two and may be worth investigating. At the same time, many Dismissive Avoidants do not remember or realise that there was trauma in their childhood. They focus more on the fact that bed, bath, bread was provided. The absence of love, affection, etc doesn't even come to their mind, because they have turned off the need for that. Obviously, if that last situation is the case with your family, your children will copy that from you.

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

@@pascalelzinga lol, there is a difference between just being shy and autism, even aspergers/high functioning. My entire family going back numerous generations are shy in personality, soft spoken, calm, humble, unassuming types. It's not a problem, just feels so different from the majority of loud, talkative, highly emotional, easily upset attention seekers.

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

My family is almost 99% German, old German culture was very reserved.

[@pascalelzinga]

I am very familiar with German culture and they are, generally, very reserved, yes. But they are not soft spoken, unassuming and shy. Quite the opposite actually. But it doesn't matter. You wanted more understanding of attachment styles. I gave my 2 cents. That's all.

[@DAClub-uf3br]

So i am not only not feeling the Love everyone else can but I am also not able to feel Love at all?

[@EternalLove.1111]

Thanks for sharing your experience it is helpful. I am seeing an avoidant on off for almost 2 yrs break of 9 mths in between. I didnt have the what are we talk yet bc I wanted to see if his behViour has changed in 6 mths...We were seeing eachother once a week now once eevry w weeks...Why does he text me every day and send me reels/vids w make me laugh yet doesnt consistently want to date me Nd take me out? He is a workaholoc and drinks and smokes every weekend. we always hang out at his place Nd and drink/smoke and get close for.the night. I havent talked to him abt him beimg a DA. But how do I know if he will want to do the healing and relaizing himself he needs to change or do I need tonsay anything? I dont want to be his counselor, I want to be his equal. I lean anxious but close to secure thanks

[@TraceyBettencourt-it9th]

I need some help, I am in counseling, but it doesn’t seem to be getting better. We lived together 3 years, then he started picking on little things. So for 3 years it’s been up and Down on his part. I have wanted him the entire time, won’t hurt him, and The comfort and security that we have, he says “that’s what scares him , he’s too comfortable. I told him how I needed him to talk calmly to me

[@TRUTHbomb2.0]

IMO someone who isn't content with comfort is a red flag. IMO he's not ready for commitment. If you are looking for long term you need to look elsewhere imo.

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

The effects of vasopressin… are you referring to emotional coregulation?

[@DM-wv6to]

Hi, could you say a bit please about how avoidant attachment shows up in sex and how it connects to past experience?

[@gemmaburns6407]

In my experience an avoidant partner struggles with intimacy to the point u feel unattractive to them, it never gets on a deeper level with them, it feels very robotic 😅

[@a.d.b535]

Simple hugging, cuddling and kissing is avoided or kept to a minimum.

[@DM-wv6to]

@@a.d.b535 omg he does avoid kissing! I got him used to hugging.

[@nackedgrils9302]

Hi Adam, I was wondering what would someone who's so avoidant that they'll actually subconsciously avoid any relationship (including friendship) or even opportunities to meet new people even though they're craving for it could do to begin getting over their fear. I've been working on myself with various therapists in the last 10 years and finally feel ready to try the relationship thing again but I do notice that everytime life throws an opportunity at me, I will dismiss it without even realizing it and then it'll be too late. I'm actually fortunate enough to be someone who's relatively good-looking so I've had some odd encounters with females where they actually made a move towards me and came to talk to me out of the blue or will sometimes, not so gracefully, initiate some form of sexual seduction but any time that happens I will either dismiss her in the heat of the moment before realizing what's happening (even if I'm very attracted to her) and if it's someone with whom I have repeat encounters (through work or whatever) my brain will find a rational way to make me unattracted to her (She'll either be too much this or that or, on the flipside, I'll feel like I'm too much or not enough this or that) without even taking the time to get to know her. It's like my brain checkmates every possibility to make sure I die alone even though I feel like I'm dying from loneliness already.

[@ld921]

Sounds like Avpd

[@teresaadams7368]

Is there something that can be texted that might cause an avoidant ex lover to re-open communication? I deeply love the man, but 2years ago he left me for the second time and hasn’t responded, except with breadcrumbs.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Texting is tricky, especially if they're refusing to open up to the idea of anything deeper. But the number one issue with them is believing they're going to be tricked into something and get trapped, so helping him understand exactly what you're looking for can be a good start. I help some people write messages like these in my coaching practice and in my mentorship community so let me know if you'd like resources on joining either of those and working directly with me.

[@solangelamarca8028]

Wonderful 🤩 kisses from Brasil 🇧🇷

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Sending warm regards right back to Brazil! 🇧🇷💫

[@Anna-Leigh77]

hi adam is your attachment circle for men only or also women?

[@AttachmentAdam]

The Attachment Circle Mentorship group is for both women and men, we have weekly group calls where we dive into a number of subjects, many times the group choosing what they would like to hear about. Its a wonderful community of likeminded people working on secure attachment. I hope to see you in there 🤝

[@bynariKode]

How do I do vasopressin bonding with a female DA, since they have fewer receptors

[@dianeosbon6360]

Do avoidants ever attract other avoidants???

[@AttachmentAdam]

Definitely, I work with a LOT of avoidant coaching clients who are so confused to find themselves with another avoidant. The dynamic can seem both comfortable and lonely at the same time, and resolving it requires some finesse.

[@11cacoo]

im in real need of help and advice with my attachment issue i had to skip certain parts of the video because i dont want to break down at work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. It sounds like this is such a heavy load on your shoulders, but you're in the right place to get started. I encourage you to check out The Attachment Circle Community mentorship program - adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/

[@11cacoo]

@@AttachmentAdam unfortunately thats too expensive for me, are there certain types of therapists that specialize in attachment? that way i could use health insurance

[@ginareato1250]

Can you have an anxious avoidant attachment?

[@AttachmentAdam]

You absolutely can, and it's called having a disorganized / fearful-avoidant attachment. Let me know if you'd like a video on this attachment style.

[@ginareato1250]

@@AttachmentAdam I would. I do believe that is me. Dealing w an avoidant

[@delahmuur2754]

excellent

[@AttachmentAdam]

Many many thanks

[@weremiuk]

"I will feast you forever" :_\

[@saras.2173]

10:04 the answer to what avoidant men need to feel happy

[@AttachmentAdam]

I've also got a specific video on the channel for this!

[@nnylasoR]

What constitutes “arbitrary expectations” ? I mean….. I want things. I am a healthy human … and I NEED things. That I’m simply NOT getting. 😩😭😭😭😭 Would my husband even be able to answer this, specifically - or would the question itself serve to drive up his anxiety and cause him to shut down / back away. I guess the only way to find out is to ask him.

[@naomichristine1432]

Can I take the how to love an avoidant man course, and apply that and have a successful relationship without him learning about the brain chemistry and taking a course ?

[@AttachmentAdam]

The course works even if he doesn't decide to take it with you. Feel free to email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss all the details together.

[@N0Reaver]

soo.... i can't say i have close, supporting friends , nor a relationship since i decided and trying not to have one untill i fix other things that take enough energy for me to do a good job being in a relationship that requires me to just be normal and provide ... feels like it's no point even thinking about fixing it. and this is only about fixing avoidently attachment.

[@AttachmentAdam]

why do you feel like there's no point in fixing it?

[@N0Reaver]

@@AttachmentAdam no, it's more that it looks like I don't have the support to help me work on it. Plenty of "failed" relationships from which i hope i learned enough ... enough to feel like i really need to step back (which we know how it goes when we start feeling the itch) until i fix other parts of my life. And dating these days seems like nobody want's to put up with anything (if I want to be honest about it) other than their needs being satisfied (more over, they give you the feeling that this is expected and normal, so i'm the abnormal one ... which i know in some ways, i'm not an easy guy when it comes about making it fair about expectations). Anyway, 41, no family, no kids, people get old around and some don't get old great ;) So there's a feeling like people aren't taking their "time" to bond, but expect to get what they want ... fair ...time is ticking ... till death breaks us apart :)

[@N0Reaver]

@@AttachmentAdam but hey, thanks to you and others, i find every day something new, trying to be more aware of my problems, not that i wasn't. The only thing that makes me less optimistic is that i hear on an on that "with the right help" i can get this "fixed" ... i don't seem to have this around ... i feel like i have to meet the right person that can and is willing to understand me and can help me work on it. and i feel that's too much already to ask for. i screwed up many good relationships with my fear, flight or fight, avoidance.

[@a.d.b535]

One Avoidant was close to dad but not the stepmoms who raised him. He's super close and comfortable to male friends, but gf's are kept at a distance.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like he never learned how to safely bond with women, and that's created a lot of distance. Not having married parents can also make it hard to believe a romantic relationship can work out long-term.

[@KVG822]

I was dating someone anxious then started avoidant behaviour.

[@SK-jb1du]

Sounds like there's a ticking time bomb of 6-7 months where the attachment has to be "fixed" or else it's all finished. I am with a dismissive avoidant I met as he was working on my house. We had 2 weeks of deep conversation and opening up. Then we became lovers. so I know some key pieces of traumatic history; see the hot and cold phases and certainly the dopamine aspects . . . . it all makes sense. He's a workaholic and a loner. It will be usually 2-3 weeks between seeing each other. He will go silent for most of that time and then suddenly there's some sexting and more regular, warmer conversations leading up to seeing each other again. He is repelled by anything "romantic." We also have a significant age difference . . . . nothing I was hunting for . . . . . just happend. It was immediate chemistry. I'm dreading the phase coming that you describe.

[@AttachmentAdam]

The sooner we become secure the better, don't you agree?

[@SK-jb1du]

@@AttachmentAdam Seems unusual that the opening up came first, no? Am now rainstorming vasopressin activities that would work . . . . Since he works 6-7 days a week for himself, time is fleeting . . . .

[@nnylasoR]

@@SK-jb1du- My avoidant husband opened up a LOT during our first (6 hour!) phone call… 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@wendybesse90]

Male Bordeeline Personality Disorder does exhibit empathy or mimic it and utilize toxic narcissistic behaviors

[@cindy9336]

I would like to know about it 5 months ago, now he has gone :(

[@laurathurlow3634]

Funny Adam. For me Mumzy was a holy terror w steak knives and death-by-hammer-in-your-sleep threats ---you never knew when it's coming---poor Pops retreated into alcohol & porn and then all the way to working in Abu Dhabi.😆 I really appreciate all the content you put out. I went into therapy myself because you gave me hope...please don't pin this or like. 😗

[@markumoeder]

I like being avoidant, it keeps me safe,sane and un-depressed.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's important for us to protect ourselves and feel safe. The only issue is that sometimes this could prevent us from forming close, genuine, fulfilling connections with those we love. What are your thoughts on this?

[@MariahFan09]

Men wouldn't avoidant attachment of style need Jesus because they don't really love you. They are operating out of the spirit of fear

[@Joanna.Swiderska333]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@queend_00]

Avoidants get on my nerve, they are so manipulative!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why do you think so?

[@oambitiousone7100]

I used to sniff my babies scalps . Does smell inspire oxytocin? I am still very smell driven: the man I’m attracted to, food, perfume. And I still sniff my grown kids heads 😁

[@farah_di_ipoh1968]

😭

[@harlanfreeze6002]

Casual you is extra sexy, in my humble opinion. You might should let this guy out to play more.

[@munfurai8083]

You should really get a better thumbnail image for your videos. That one just makes you look like some 40 year old aging himself down to look like a nerdy teenager and going "how do you do fellow kids". Doesn't do you or your work justice.

[@HellenofTroy897]

I don't mind his thumbnail. The title of the video grabbed my attention and the content was informative and well presented.

[@BlueBlue23]

There's nothing wrong with looking above 40..

[@ladeedaa1419]

Perspective 🤷🏻‍♀️