DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT - AKA Fearful Avoidant. Everything you need to know, and what to do about it

[@NancyFabian-e9s]

Thank you, Adam! This video is very helpful. We Quiet Disorganized don't usually seek the spotlight but it's nice to feel "seen".

[@AttachmentAdam]

Much love, Nancy. ❤️

[@agnes466]

Yep, I am a 100% Quiet Disorganized. You've clarified a lot of things for me. Thank you.

[@markonsserbia]

Quiet disorganized. Lol. Nailed it. Came to attachment theory thinking I was anxious style and realized I was disorganized style but the "chaotic" part didn't really fit. Quiet disorganized ....yes. Only the boundary crashers get through and I melt into a puddle of codependent people-pleasing. Ugh. Quick background: my mom died when I was 8. Dad remarried 2 years later to an evil step-mother and I became the family scapegoat. When you're the scapegoat, you gotta roll with the flow to survive.

[@michellepackman1484]

Hey Adam - I finally have a word for something I knew for a while. Quiet disorganized. So chill on the outside. So lonely on the inside. Reaching for health and this was the thing that was missing, thank you for doing this. I've had a bit of therapy and no one told me what was going on. Having a name (Huberman calls it operational definition) makes me feel like I can find therapeutic options faster.

[@Pheonix1111]

0:00 - Introduction 4:11 - Defining Disorganized Attachment Style 8:19 - Loud Disorganized 12:08 - Quiet Disorganized 18:37 - Loud Disorganized Method of Improvement 22:04 - General Method of Transformation to Become Remade Secure 23:15 - Adam’s Retreat 24:04 - Different Methods to Transform to Remade Secure 24:40 - Distinguishing Trauma from Attachment Styles & Healing 28:15 - Member’s Only Chat Questions & Answers

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate you taking the time to comment that. Would love to hear your thoughts on this video too!

[@yanamclaughlin]

Yay Adam!! Thank you! I agree with your hypothesis that we flock to attachment analysis because we are in so much pain and our coping mechanisms really don't work for us. I sometimes wish I were just straight anxious or avoidant.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, Yana! I appreciate your insight. It's true that many of us are drawn to attachment analysis because we're seeking answers for the pain we experience. Understanding these patterns can be a powerful step towards healing.

[@romisana]

12:15 I was Quite Disorganized, your explanation is ✅ Especially when you described the massive avoidant fortress lol and the nurturing anxious core Omg I had alligators, barbed wires, electric fences and an intercom system to communicate I'm now Re-Made Secure mostly, but watching the old patterns in case they show up

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love it! Thank you for sharing your journey! It sounds like you've made significant progress towards secure attachment, which is inspiring. Being aware of old patterns while embracing change is such a courageous path forward.

[@AivotonApinaIV]

Well... i think i finally understand why i've always struggled with friendships and the only friendships i've had have been controlling or in some other way not too healthy. I never even realized that me not being open with new people could be an avoidant side behaviour. This video only made me more sure i truly am quiet disorganized. Thank you, Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad the video provided clarity, Aivoton! Recognizing our behaviors and patterns is a significant step towards understanding ourselves better. You're not alone in navigating these challenges, and I'm grateful the video could offer some insights.

[@mallorygieringer991]

Quiet disorganized .. wow this fits me to a “T” . Whoah I am shook. Thank you for this video

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help! What was your 'a-ha' moment while watching this?

[@emma-sadie]

It's amazing but you discribed me when you talked about 'quiet disorganized' people. You have also helped me just by listening to your wisdom since i happened to find you about 3 months ago on yt. I do wish I'd have known there was hope for me long ago, but im glad to know it now:) Thank you ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Emma, your words mean a lot. I'm glad the video resonated with you and brought some clarity. There's always hope for growth and healing, no matter where we are in our journey. Thank you for being part of this community!

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

19:40 "emotional spotter... like when you are lifting weights, but for your emotions". Brilliant!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!

[@suzipuzi2001]

I almost was gonna say I'm quiet disorganized, but I don't fully resonate with it. I'm not that quiet. My walls aren't that high I also don't think I'm like a borderline personality, but I did resonate with some of your description of loud disorganized. I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. Thanks for making a video about this!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Suzi! It's great to hear that you found the video helpful. It's common to find ourselves somewhere in between attachment styles rather than fitting neatly into one category. Each person's journey is unique!

[@thewanderwoman3930]

I have a loud attachment style with very few friends. I dont know how to open up to people. I literally dont know what to say. If i have spilt my guts to people, the reaction i generally get isn't a positive one. I see the look on their faces. Ive had comments like, 'what did you tell me that for' or ' i dont want to know' which has made opening up even more difficult and now i feel like i just cannot open up at any cost. People to me just are not safe. Im in therapy but feel as though i cannot even trust her, so opening up is just so difficult. Im so conscious of her feelings but also am convinced that she will tell me that im too difficult and will reject and abandon me. I feel so helpless and distressed. I just want to live alone and retreat from the world 😢😢

[@sidhikelleher5076]

Oh wow thanks Adam, only found out today I have this & everything you say is so obvious now.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to help. What resonated with you the most?

[@solutions4tenants141]

Adam thank you so much for the deep dive into Disorganized attachment styles. It’s now assisted me in finding solutions to heal. I’ve shared your channel so many times with other people in my life. It “seems” all of the friends and relatives currently in my life or that that I draw into my life like new friends, are NOT wanting to unravel and untangle their own psychological relationships and are comfortable in staying with their survival default modes and wonder why their relationships get spoiled. I feel so alone in wanting to explore more with my loved ones or a man I am in a relationship with. Being an INFJ, I am drawn to learning about mine and other’s psychology. I feel like your channel is a home for my curiosity. Thank you again. Susan

[@AttachmentAdam]

Susan, thank you for your kind words and for sharing the channel with others. It's heartening to know that the content resonates and helps in your healing journey. Your curiosity and desire to explore psychology are valuable assets in understanding ourselves and our relationships.

[@michellepackman1484]

Quiet disorganized and my best friend is loud disorganized, she's one of the few people I've ever deeply related to. I know other people seem to think shes too much but we both feel really seen with each other. It's beena beautiful friendship. Wondering if other people have experienced this bond as well.

[@nashdlp3599]

I cracked up when you said the part about, "Well, they fell in love with me, so it's time to set the gasoline fire [or] ... "Well, nobody cares about me, so I'm gonna go live on the moon." I've been thinking my boyfriend is avoidant, but it's confusing, and I'm starting to wonder if he's disorganized instead. Those statements sound like things he might be thinking. Either way, thanks for the laugh! I needed that today. :)

[@24victoryJC]

My nervous system feels so maxed out when I am done interacting with people, the only was that seems to calm it is to be alone - or anywhere I don’t have to be “on”. With people such a strong pressure to be “on” when interacting with them exists . It’s very hard work, very tiring to not only my emotional state , but also my physical state, and especially my nervous system. After doing a lot of “peoply” stuff I tend to need a full day or two of total aloneness and quiet. Basically isolation, but only for a few days then I want to tend to all my relationships again, so I head into them again only to get burned out nervous system wise, and so the cycle goes. I don’t like it. I don’t really feel free or connected. And I want to feel both. Free and connected is my goal.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your description resonates deeply,. Balancing social interactions with the need for solitude can indeed be challenging, especially when it affects our emotional and physical well-being. It's admirable that you're striving for both freedom and connection. Keep exploring what works best for you in finding that balance.

[@browneyedtwin1111]

Same!

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

Manipulative anxious folks have definitely gotten through most. I've had qualities of both loud and quiet disorganized over my lifetime so far. Have built a more secure attachment, but when triggered, I'm quiet lately.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Tiffany, I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's common to see elements of different attachment styles in our lives, especially as we grow and evolve. Building towards secure attachment is a journey with ups and downs, and you're making great strides.

[@mamanaissatoudiagne1389]

Wow this so good. I would love to see more about how to love a FA and how to heal this attachment style

[@AttachmentAdam]

Noted, I'll take this into consideration for my new videos. So glad you enjoyed this. Stay tuned for more!

[@YesJellyfish]

The quiet disorganized logic is so helpful! I was wondering why after working so hard on myself, I feel so much more raw and anxious, even though my relationships are deeper and more supportive. It seems that I have worked on my outer avoidance which left my anxious core exposed. Starting this while in an abusive relationship (in the past) had also traumatized the core even deeper. I will have to switch it up and focus on the core. Thank you!

[@AccidentalH3ro]

I’ve had skepticism about attachments styles because other’s approach seems to be arbitrary with their explanations but your explanations provide awareness and a lexicon, rather than just providing people with excuses or platitudes to avoid accountability. Your examples of the Quiet Disorganized attachment style has given me crucial insights so that I can retroactively examine/reexamine my childhood and interpersonal relationships. Also I’m curious about attachment styles and if there is a spectrum or degree in which people lean into more. For example; the description of Ethical Avoidant & Quiet Disorganized Attachment sounds describes my experience with my current attachment style. Thank you, Adam! 🙏🏾

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

The video course is super good! I listen into it every couple of days / weeks. It’s rich in information.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear that, Marion! Thank you for your kind feedback and I'm glad you found it insightful! :)

[@marik8624]

Man! I missed the live ... but I've been waiting for this. Thank you! When I found this channel, I thought I was anxious. But not all of it felt like me. Then I thought I was quiet disorganized, because I did some test online that said I'm disorganized/ FA, but after hearing your explanation about quiet/loud disorganized, I'm ashamed to admit I'm the loud one. It feels weird to say I'm loud disorganized, because I'm not a loud person. I did get a borderline diagnosis in my 20's, but like you say, I think it's probably more attachment style than the diagnosis. I'm just sad now. I want to get healing, and I want a relationship with the guy I like, but feel I have no business to mix my problems with someone else in this state of my life.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there Marik, I'm glad to be able to present this to you. Though I'm sorry to hear it has brought you some initial sadness. Sometimes learning a hard truth feels very heavy at the beginning because it feels like there's so far to go. Keep in mind that perfection is not required of you, and you don't have to be 100% stoic and unemotional to get into a relationship. What you need is open and transparent communication, an effort to discipline your own reactions, and the presence of mind to do real compatibility testing to make sure you and your partner are a sustainable match. From there you can work together on the challenges you face openly and collaboratively. That's not only the pathway to secure attachment - it displays secure attachment, too. If you need some help with this you know I am here to assist, let me know what I can do to point you at your next steps.

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

Thank you! Such a good hint - I have been pondering … 37:25

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wonderful I'm so glad it was helpful!

[@heck4984]

I really like your analogies. They make sense.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate that. Which one did you like the most, or felt like it helped you understand on a deeper level?

[@heck4984]

@@AttachmentAdam I liked the 1000 dollar bill one for sure. I'm not sure if that is from this video. Yes, people think I'm a cold hearted snake. I can't handle chaos at all. Zoloft helps a lot. Two years in counseling weekly asking each session if I am crazy. Each time, they say no...but I think they're lying, lol. Finally feeling that I can say no and stand by my word without fear of retaliation from the other person

[@sarahcouture24]

The invisible quiet type sounds just like my mother actually... and one of my good friends too, come to think of it.

[@tiffany00nelson]

Oh my goodness!!! You pegged me with the quiet disorganized. Blown away. I know I need help. I can be a little volatile. I really do need to send my email. It's just

[@AttachmentAdam]

The way this comment ends abruptly… 🤣

[@tiffany00nelson]

@@AttachmentAdam haha it was late. Maybe I deleted some accidentally. I'm glad it gave you a little laugh.

[@jenniferparker4326]

Thank you so much for this. The amount of weight that left my chest to hear someone validate how I am wired for the first time in my life is incredibly validating. I feel like I've been so alone and so crazy. I'm moving back to Colorado (born and raised there) hopefully I can come see him in Vail. I literally stopped speaking with my mother after she left me when I confronted her on her narcissism ): then she blamed me for her borderline p disorder diagnosis. So I have no one. I can't believe there's hope for me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm truly glad that my content provided you with relief and validation. It's understandable to feel alone when dealing with complex emotional challenges. Your decision to move back to Colorado is a positive step towards creating a fresh start. It's important to surround yourself with a supportive environment that encourages personal growth. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] and I'll share all the details about the retreat in Vail. You may qualify for a special discount from my sales team.

[@JohnAlot]

I'm with a quiet disorganized woman. She has a cruel streak that shows when she drinks. She wields it to test my commitment. I often understand her (unconscious) motive but it is incredibly challenging & emotionally draining. I never know if this is the time she's serious. Our relationship is even more complicated by an international border, different native languages, & an age difference.

[@Agra586]

I relate to the quiet disorganized but I'm not going to say I haven't been a bit of a loud disorganized especially in the past. I tend to be happily independent but in the early stages I get get full on triggered into freeze or flight. If a relationship gets past that I'm good. People have called me cold, aloof or even that told me they don't really know me after years. Look forward to hearing more about quiet disorganized!

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of self-reflection and have a deep understanding of your patterns. What steps have you taken, or are you considering taking, to work through the freeze/flight response in those early stages? Also, I encourage you to check out my latest recorded livestream. I've got a lot of questions and requests specifically about disorganized attachment.

[@JesseGiasson]

Adam, don’t normally do this but here we are. This video really spoke me to me a lot and got me right down to the bones. Been trying to work on myself and “fix” myself for the past 10 month since my wife (currently separated still living together) decided she wanted a different path in life. I feel as though am the quiet type and she is on the loud spectrum. Is there a way that both of us can heal our own past traumas and still move forward in the process

[@visponvi]

Im so happy, thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad!

[@iohannesfactotum]

Jee I always Miss these

[@AttachmentAdam]

No worries! I'm glad you caught this one. Feel free to share your thoughts anytime you'd like. Your perspective is always valued here.

[@jarrodbutlin8288]

Im a shy anxious and trying to date a loud disorganised, "time to set the fire" is so painful😢, i feel her love so strong then i get so scared to show any love, feel im going insane, but there is such an amazing person inside her i just cant give up. Thank you so much this has been the best insight into DA i have found after years of searches, i would love to see more videoes on DA as its so difficult to understand

[@TodaysAudrey]

Gutted that I missed the live version, but I'm only 17 minutes in and now I have words to describe the agony of my deeply Quiet Disorganized life and 23-year marriage to a Loud Disorganized man. We know we both had *fully effed-up* mothers. I'm determined to heal rather than commit suicide. He doesn't believe he has any problems at all (because I am really good at the accommodating schtick 😝) and I often think to myself that he would only be terribly *surprised* if I actually killed myself. Carry on! I'll watch the rest of the video!

[@sonyacurti]

I'm dating a fearful avoidant and knowing this helps me greatly to not take things personally. I enjoy the time together for what it is. Not sure if it will go anywhere but when your 58 it's slim pickings 😂 I enjoy the companionship and at my age it's all I'm really looking for. I DON'T need to get married or have children. We have FUN.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you find this helpful! What challenges are you facing with the fearful avoidant person you're dating?

[@kardzmatic]

This is me. Loud. I will heal thank to you sir.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help. Feel free to reach out if you need support or guidance. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.

[@diveflyfish]

Thank you for this video. I believe I know one and your spot on for they are the sweetest human I have ever met!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so kind! I'm so glad you found this helpful.

[@24victoryJC]

Thank you for letting us know about the aspect of FA that really desires connection but that ultimately we believe connection only is awarded to perfection or high high value giving individuals (of which we feel we are not) We have a decent ability to draw people in , but then when they come closer we panic and don’t know how to maintain the connection because we believe it takes perfection . We cannot be the person we imagine we should be (because it is very unrealistic to be the type of astronomically high value version of humanity we believe people will actually love and want around ) to be loved and connected to we distance or disappear to protect ourselves from the pain of rejection/disconnection

[@soleanna7]

That is so sad. Because it really sounds like you end up doing to yourself what you fear the people you love will do to you. You’re self-inflicting pain and rejection on yourself. I’m sorry it must be so hard 💔

[@The_NutritionChef]

Hi adam im blown away. Quiet disorganized..I finally have the answer to what ive been experiencing my entire life! I couldn’t fit into any of the attachment styles entirely and definitely not anxious .. im alot more avoidant than anything and just avoid most people in general, especially men i say no to nearly anyone who asks me out but it seems like ive only fallen for abusive men who love bomb me so much that i fall for it and then they switch like as soon as my huge walls fold after my initial cold and then i fall into this people pleasing thing where i want to cater to them and total Door mat situation until they cheated or left me and i am so shy that i don’t go out ever, i prefer to stay in and research and learn so i dont relate to any females because I feel like they’re always anxious chatty and dramatic while i have nothing on common to relate nor do i want to hear about them complain about their husbands etc the thought of going on a lunch date with a girlfriend is like the kiss of death 😅so i never can keep friends even though people like me everywhere and say how talented and great i am bc im smart and know alot when i speak…people for sure think of me as someone who is cold, even though I crave intimacy ..can you make more videos on this style please? Thank you for what youre doing!❤😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so glad this clicked for you. It sounds like it explains a lot of your experiences. Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It’s incredibly relatable for so many others who struggle with this attachment style, even if it’s less well-known. I’ll definitely be sure to include more content on this style in the future. What has helped you the most in managing this attachment style so far? Anything you'd want more clarity on to move forward?

[@The_NutritionChef]

@@AttachmentAdamstarting my own business following my passions and creating things makes me fulfilled but also further makes me avoid dating. I struggle to balance both at once so one always fails

[@marthahardie]

This is SO ME!!! I feel like I have to continually change to keep the peace so that I don't get discarded....all my life 😢. I really want to cry after having been revealed. Now I REALLY feel crazy. Guess I need serious HELP.

[@Terquoiz24]

offering careful hugs... it's a tricksy journey, but definitely worth digging into the learning & doing work. ❤

[@koala01111986]

Here I am, the quiet FA, much better now, the description is perfect 😅😅 but I can also see myself as the loud FA, at least early on, then flipped to the quiet. My FA ex seems a mix of loud and quiet too, he fleed because both were getting too close, too bonded, too in love and panicked. He is a lot like my old version, so maybe there is a 3rd category that is just in between the loud and the quiet 😅

[@weaviejeebies]

I think it's the versatility aspect of it. We adapt from person to person, situation to situation. I think loud disorganization winds up for me like a storm siren when not just relationships are rough, but other aspects of life. High job stress. Pressure spiking from our less immediate relationships, like, church community, extended relatives, other drivers on the morning commute, lol. Financial stress...inflation, mounting credit debt... or environmental problems: the house got flooded, the car broke down, the old cat got diabetes and needs $150/mo for meds...all of it happening at once. When all of life is grinding for me, then the loud kicks in, because I have zero bandwidth to cope with a partner's spectrum of behavior, my ability to interpret the partner is like the first "luxury" I abandon to cope with the other stuff. I stop the carefully cultivated, secure review of what they say and do that I learned in therapy, and I stop restraining my instinctive responses. I'm just overwhelmed, and they're going to get what they get. Quiet takes back over for me when things are a bit more manageable. I have a lot better skills now, but I do think some disorganization

[@soleanna7]

@@weaviejeebiesOk. This is so enlightening to read as I think this is exactly what is happening with my FA partner (ex? not sure where we stand after this last brutal fight he initiated 😢). There is A LOT going on in his life right now generating a ton of stress and pressure. And when he started to focus on those things to solve these problems, he also started to distance himself emotionally from me. Which I accepted and understood at the time after being very triggered (but keeping my feelings to myself as I did not want to add more pressure for him). I naturally started to mimic his communication patterns as a way to show him that I was respectful of his own space and time. I’m AP learning how to become more secure and even though I felt hurt, I took this as an opportunity for growth for me to learn how to not take things personally and regulate my own emotions on my own. When we reconnected after this, to my surprise, he ended up blaming me for not being there ENOUGH through those tough times for me, for not texting enough or calling enough (even though he did not call me at all for 10 days which is highly unusual for him and made me feel super neglected and rejected) and even resented me for not guessing he wanted me to fulfill a need/expectation he had never expressed. Accused me of not caring anymore. It really broke my heart because I wanted nothing more really than to be here for him. I have supported him through a lot already and to me it feels natural in relationship to be able to lean on each other when life gets hard. Can you relate to those ambivalent feelings? (Wanting to be left alone but also craving your partner’s support when life gets hard). And how would you like your partner to support you when this happens?

[@heatherhare6359]

Thank you for this livestream! Do you have any tips for those of us who love someone with a disorganized attachment style? (I’m an anxious myself.) Should I be following the advice you give for how to communicate with an avoidant man?

[@soleanna7]

I’d love more videos on this topic too. They’re not exactly your typical avoidant man because they’re a mix of the two.

[@westcoaster421]

Your words on quiet disorganized resonate. I'm only 9 days into learning about attachment theory. A questionnaire labelled me disorganized, but so far avoidant has resonated the most until I heard about this specific subtype. I am a single gay Gen X man who has never had a secure relationship. I grew up in a conservative city. I feel most of my avoidance tendencies are due to emotional neglect from emotionally unavailable parents, but I'm curious how much of my internalized anxiety may be related to internalized societal homophobia and HIV stigma. Those were inextricably linked together in the 90s when I came out. Thanks for the line, "I want to share with you a little bit deeper than I usually would because I want to fix this part of myself and really heal." I'll try that with someone I've been seeing and see how it goes. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and story. How do you feel about balancing this newfound understanding of yourself with the conversations you’re planning to have with the person you’re seeing? Does this give you hope for finding more secure relationships?

[@westcoaster421]

@@AttachmentAdam I feel more hopeful, but things are early and I don't know what he wants or needs from a relationship yet. The other concept I just learned about which resonated was limerence. I don't want to misinterpret anything or put any unrealistic expectations or pressure on him. I'm also about to go away for 3 wks and won't see him. I think my intention for this first conversation will be to correct some of the avoidant things I already told him that created distance prior to learning this about myself, and see if he's open to working on increasing our connection when I get back. I'll also seek out a therapist when I return, but I'm wondering if attachment-based therapists would be aware of this quiet disorganized style? Is this widely understood to be a subtype yet or is this a new understanding arising from your specific clinical experience? I really don't resonate with the subclinical BPD/"loud" type of disorganized attachment which seems to be what most other content creators are describing.

[@katedanchin7824]

Great video, thank you Adam! I love all your videos - so helpful. Is there any possibility of having sub-titles for those of us who can't quite catch every word - especially when you're reading the questions? Thank you 🙏😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your feedback and great suggestion. I will definitely keep that in mind! Have you tried the auto-generated subtitles option?

[@w00tastic]

Thank you, Adam. Please do more videos on this style. I was considering taking your course to support someone I know, but the description gave no indication if this style is covered.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for reaching out! I'd love to offer you guidance and helpful resources. Please feel free to email me at [e-mail] so I could better understand your situation there.

[@deanschmeichel9792]

My wife always tells me that I interrupt people during conversations. I think you mentioned something about asking someone to explain something, so they could understand. I’m afraid I don’t trust the information I get in a conversation and I desperately want to share my knowledge with others. I was raised in an environment where teasing was a way of showing love and a survival technique. So, I’m always questioning my surroundings and perception of what I’m taking in. I do enjoy listening to your sessions like this one and at least I realize that I’m not a bad person.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s great that you’re finding value in sessions like this one and that you’re recognizing you’re not a bad person. You’re just working through some habits that were shaped by your upbringing, and that’s okay. What’s one small step you think you could take to slow down those interruptions and feel more comfortable listening?

[@favoritemusic41]

I'm a quiet disorganized, and I had a situationship with an avoidant... he was very loving, wanted a girlfriend treatment, but would not commit, he show me in some disrespectul ways that he wanted complete freedom. When I got out and stop contact he reached out to repair things... but it was very confusing for me. He wanted to talk about it and said to me that if he would have known about my needs he would have done things right... but why he says that if he didn't wanted a relationship??? I got further and further away from the confusion, from him. I still miss him and want to talk to him, but I don't feel that he really cares about me. I feel used. What should I do? I did love the way that he comunicates when he does... I don't know if that is genuine.

[@jencrews]

Adam, you are so good at explaining these things simply and clearly. I definitely feel like you’re in my head. The only thing I’m not sure about is sometimes I feel like I’ve been one version and sometimes I feel like I’ve been the other. I’m generally more the quiet type, but I know I’ve had moments of being more of the loud type… I think that’s come out at times when I was living a very hectic life. Does that make me an extra special complicated case?! By the way I’m definitely planning another session soon because I think I need customized help!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear that this resonates and clarifies things. The truth is that it's natural to not be your 'normal' self when life gets too stressful. These times or situations can bring up some changes in your behaviors and the way you connect with those around you. I'd be happy to offer you customized help and tailored advice. Feel free to reach out at any time.

[@24victoryJC]

My mom did not have a personality disorder She was just gone working 6 days per week . I was left with baby sitters starting at 3 mos old . Neglect dominant then abuse

[@Ms007ok]

Thank you Adam, I like how you go beyond stereotypes that I can find on other channels. I think I am disorganized with good chunk of secure. Interesting enough, I can’t tell if I am loud or quiet disorganized, I think I can be both. I can be very sweet and quiet, but I can be a bitch too. It’s absolutely new realization to me that I can be avoidant too.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's true, attachment styles can be a blend, and disorganized attachment often involves aspects of other styles too. The good news is, even with a mix, there's always room for growth! What aspects of secure attachment resonate most with you?

[@RTV_Podcast]

Can something like fearful avoidance actually be healed/fixed/mended? Feels like a never-ending hill to climb trying to get a person to see how their behavior is sabotaging the relationship at times.

[@lizspencer199]

Disorganised attachment folks have a high need for personal growth and development 👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely, Liz! Personal growth and development are crucial for all attachment styles, including those with disorganized attachment. Recognizing this need is a big step towards fostering more secure relationships.

[@lizspencer199]

I meant a personality need in my experience. Not that they need to but they like to it’s one of their interests and that is why I think they are drawn to this work. They are very emotionally intelligent due to their hyper vigilance

[@amyn3705]

I'm quiet disorganized

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

Behind this door never enter, you won't see. It is not for you to know. You have your own. Do you know, can you see? There's a place I will never go. -That's a song I wrote. I had thought that my attachment disorder shifted from Anxious to Disorganized in adulthood, but I'm doubting that now. I actually remember clearly some disruptive experiences beginning when I was about 5 and my family moved, uprooting me from the friends I had. That set in motion a pattern that persisted on and off ever since: people I grew to care for either being taken away or betraying me. I had several frienemies throughout elementary school, and we moved at some very disruptive points. Some people have seen who I am, have seen pretty closely into my soul. They're not around any more. One of those people (who I almost married) actually despised me for how I showed myself to her. I found that out years after we had broken up. In my adult life I've also found people to be unreliable and disappointing, but I also am pretty deeply convinced that I am unreliable and disappointing. I've gotten tired of the repeated pattern of meet someone, think we're going to be friends, flare up in joy at this new connection, and then something happens and somehow it doesn't sustain. I was not so "quiet" when I was younger, but I hope I've become more quiet. How much safer and more prudent it would be to just avoid all the pain of that pattern of disappointment and keep people at arm's length. The better I can hide my feelings from others, the thicker the shell I can grow to protect my heart (that I don't trust anyone to understand or accept), then the more I feel like I'm on my way to earning worthiness - maybe I have a shot at being a peer to the people who really matter. It does get tiring, and to my dismay I often slip and let out some of my own personality, and then I feel a sense of relief and also a sense of having done something stupid. At 16:55 - yes. It just *does not compute* that anyone would want to give me the time and attention to hear me express myself. It seems like a grave sin of selfishness on my part. I certainly can't afford to hire a "spotter," so I don't expect others to find me worthy of such attention. If I can figure out something to offer others that's of more demonstrable value than just my company (in other words, having to put up with my weirdness if I get too comfortable and my defenses slip and I open up too much) - if I can figure out something substantial to offer people, then I'm worthy to impose on their time. That's the main principle that I've come up with.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your song and your personal reflections. It sounds like you've navigated through some profound experiences that have shaped your attachment patterns. It's a complex journey, and acknowledging your growth and challenges is an important step towards understanding yourself better. Keep being true to your journey.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Relationship while healing ptsd

[@bumbleah]

The moment you realize you’re quiet disorganized 🤯

[@AttachmentAdam]

I know that can be a big moment. Please keep in mind that it’s very fixable and usually requires you to understand what other people actually want from you, how to apply healthy boundaries, and finding your own needs!

[@stephaniesaviera17]

Thank you!! 🙏 ☺️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help!

[@mmbovilladardh]

What’s the best way to handle an avoidants angry outburst (not a dangerous)? Do they wanna be left alone? Or their partner to express themselves with I statements and keep it non accusatory? Not sure if I should let it fester, cool down, or what. He got angry about something he thought I did that I didn’t do. Trying to figure out how to approach this. He shut down.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This might be a bit more complex than a short comment reply. If you'd like to discuss this further and explore some options, feel free to reach out to [e-mail]. I'm here to help in any way I can.

[@antoinettebeauzec6166]

I'm fearful avoidant...

[@amypola5903]

If someone had a good mentor, wouldn't that help not develop this issue in the first place. HOW do you get a mentor? Like steps man. You're saying, step one, go to the moon. Oh okay. Just go to the moon. Sure, I'll do that. Ok. Build a framework for building trust. Go to Mars...

[@jenniferrassart3054]

I'm actually dating someone with a disorganized attachment style for 1 year and 1 month. I'm an anxious attacher. Actually I think he (his words and his actions) made my anxious side worse, because I wasn't really insecure about myself before. He has every traid of a typical disorganized attacher (I just found out about attachment styles a month ago). We're having a long-distance relationship (he lives across the world) and we haven't met yet. He started the relationship with love bombing me, so I felt quickly for him, even though I was reluctant at first. I must say that I noticed that it seemed too good to be true and not sincere at times. After a month we were planning to meet up, but he canceled (something with his work supposedly came up). Then he started to withdraw and closing up more and more. He did say back then that he felt insecure. But I didn't understood it (what it was that he felt insecure about) and when I asked about it he ignored my question. One strange thing happened after another, always strange made-up stories, that really hurt me and confused me. He started reaching out less and less and when I asked him several times what was going on and that I wanted to work things out, he ignored it and acted like nothing was going on. I felt unheard, lonely and unloved. After 5 months he ghosted me. In his last letter (we were mailing) he said he would send me a Valentine's Day gift (of course I never got it). And then I didn't hear him anymore. And of course I was heartbroken and very confused about what was going on... After 7 months, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he reached out to me again. He said he wasn't ghosting me at all and that I'm still his girlfriend and that he was just caught up with work. I was chocked and agry/hurt. Caught up with work for 7 months??? Did he think I was stupid? He said that he thought that I had good norms and values but he was demanding/expecting something unrealistic from me that I couldn't do (even if I wanted to). He said he only reached out to me because he needed help with something (he didn't say that it was because he missed me). We argued for weeks and he threatened to break up with me if I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He never said once in the first month after reaching out to me again that he loved me. And he litterally told me I gave him nothing (not realizing that I was effacing all my needs for him) and he didn't see that he was not in the position to ask me anything, that he had to be glad I was willing to give him another chance. There was no way to talk to him, he wouldn't listen to any arguement I made. And finaly he broke up with me. I said to him that I wanted to let him go if he wasn't willing to work on things, because that it would never work out this way and that it was exhausting me and making my life miserable. I told him it was his last chance, that otherwise it would end here and now. He responded that I had to do what he asked first and then he would come over to visit me to start working on things. At that moment I knew about his attachment style (I watched hundreds of videos) and everything started falling into place. All my confusion disappeared and everything started to make sense. And I realised he was testing me to see if I would go above and beyond for him, to help him out (the story was made up and he wasn't even aware that he had revealed himself at some point). I was reluctant at first, but I knew that if I wanted that he would start trusting me (my intentions and my love for him) that I had to give him his prove. He said that words are cheap and thinks about love as in doing things for one another (an act of service). We came to an agreement so that the demand was possible for me (instead of unrealistic) and reluctantly I did what he asked me to do. I made it clear to him that now the testing was over. I was always brutally honest with him and very open (I think that was what attrackted him to me, because he is quite the opposite and I think he admires the fact that I am like that, because he has such a hard time with it). He has promised he will come over to visit me for a week to work on our relationship next month. Afterwards he started love bombing me again. I saw the signs immediately this time and I stopped it. I explained it calmy and clearly and I said that I wasn't expecting him to tell me he loves me 5 times a day, in every conversation we have (everything was so over the top). I told him I wanted him to be real, that he didn't need to perform and that he's (good) enough. That I want him and not someone else. I told him that it would get exhausting for him after a while and I remembered him how our relationship started and that it didn't end well. I told him that I didn't want his words to be cheap (he once said exactly the same to me, that's why I used these words), and that I wanted it to be meaningful. I told him he didn't needed to overact and that if he would just be caring, hearing me (but not necessarily agreeing with me), consider me and my feelings, would show empathy and he would respect me, that those things would show me he loves me. He said he understood perfectly what I was trying to say. Afterwards his behavior towards me changed completely (in a positive way). The dynamics between us changed completely. I've told him that I saw he was doing his best, that I toned it down a bit, that he came up a bit and that now we have found a happy medium and that I said that he was compromising (instead of demanding/expecting things and completely neglecting my needs). He's actually very sweet and caring now (not over the top), he sees the things I'm doing for him and he tells me he appreciates it. We can have real conversations now, instead of very superficial talks. He starts to reach out to me now several times a day and I try to cut down texting him (to let him come to me). He listens to what I'm saying and he responds. Today he opened up a little bit. It may not seem much, but when I asked him before how he was doing I always got the answer good or busy. Today he told me he felt stressed because he had a lot of activities at work. I thanked him for sharing it with me and he liked my response (we're now chatting on social media, he actually gave me his pricate account). We made some plans for him coming over. He always listens to me now (not as in agreeing, but as in hearing me) and is very considerate. And finally tonight, he asked me to help him with something (it was something small for me to do so I agreed without hesitation). I was actually happy that he asked me to help him. I know it is still very early days, and he has to follow through (I will only be reliefd when I see him on my doorstep), but he seems really invested and committed now. He now says that he's convinced that he wants to build up his life with me. I just hope he won't start doubting/distrusting me, my intentions, my love, the relationship again. But it seems that by helping him, agreeing with his demand (the first time - not the little thing he's asking me now, which is barely anything but would really help him out), that I gained his trust. He actually said that he trusts me completely now. I actually told him about my insecurities about my looks today, mainly my weight (I'm not really fat, but just above average weight and he's quite a bit younger than me and very handsome) and he said that I never had to be insecure with such a beautiful smile and that he loves me for who I am. I know we will have a long way to go, but is it foolish when I start hoping/believing that things are going into the right direction?

[@jenniferrassart3054]

What I forgot to mention is that he once made up a horrible story. He said that if I would not do what he asked me, that something really bad would happen to him and he would take his life first (guilt tripping me). And yes, he's very smart and has a high position. Every video I watch, every situation that is talked about, I've experienced it with him. He's very reflective though, I think that's why I was finally able to reach him, to open his eyes. I really think he's aware that he is the way he is, but he doesn't know what to do about it, he doesn't know that it can change and he thinks nobody will understand him and everyone will reject him, once he makes himself vulnerable, starts opening opening up and shows who he really is. I told him about attachment styles, that he's not alone and that there are more relationships like ours, and that he can do something about it (and I'm working on myself too and I'm working with him at the same time). I try to learn him about the dynamics of a heathy relationship and he seems (it's still early on) very open for it (he even said he would watch some videos with me when he would come over next month). We'll have to wait and see if he will show up. And about him telling me he felt stressed today, it was actually me that pointed out to him a couple of days ago, that he had to do just like me: I told him I felt stressed because of work, that I vent to him, that he listened and said something comforting and that it made me feel better already. And he did just that a couple of days later... (I hope it's not manipulative, but he genuinely trying to open up). He definitely appreciated it that I thanked him for sharing it with me...

[@jenniferrassart3054]

And by the way, he has a history of being depressed at certain times and if I'm not mistaken also anxiousness (that his heart started beating faster and he couldn't breath anymore - it was not with me though)...

[@marykatherinerosson213]

“They fell in love with me so it’s time to set the fire!” 😂 I laugh but this is so me!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear this resonated! How do you plan to use this knowledge?

[@marciasloan534]

I’m 72. I trust you. I am upset I don’t know what I am. ???

[@dallai3615]

I need video on the dinamics of couple made of a disorganised and an avoidant

[@madrugada1986]

I love how you approach this subject in more of a psychology/brain chemical manner. Learned a lot! Thank you. I'm wondering.. Is it possible that avoidant attachment can develop later in life? Lets say after an ugly divorce where you suppress all your feelings for a long time to "survive"? Or is it always about neglect in childhood?

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

I adopted avoidant strategies in my teenage years and took them up again in my adult life more recently.

[@IntuitiveSoulArt]

Is there such thing as a combination of quiet/loud?

[@docbecky1]

Fascinating and helpful, thank you. I’m far more secure now but with a history of quiet disorganized. I can still go there, especially the avoidance. But I’ve also recently learned that I both have a very high IQ and autism traits. So I’m trying to tease out all of this. Any thoughts on giftedness, autism and this attachment style? Thx.

[@GodPilledZen]

Is there a difference between an avoidant/disorganised man vs woman? Taking your course how to love an avoidant man will gain me the same benefit towards woman too?

[@HappyGeekSquad]

OMG I am quiet disorganized

[@wordswords2094]

Wow. How have humans gotten so incredibly screwed up?

[@lukeylanguages2343]

@@wordswords2094 modern society

[@ingeclaeys3761]

Their parents

[@RockingRebelYell]

Being abused by their spawn point (parents)

[@julesa1754]

Trauma, drugs, addictions and 'knowledge'

[@soleanna7]

Hi Adam, can a FA present as a quiet disorganized at first but turn into a loud type as the relationship progresses especially during conflicts? Also, it is common for people with a disorganized attachment style to lash out at their partner during fights and say mean and sometimes downright cruel things? I feel at times, they can be almost emotionally abusive. Which is very confusing because they're one of the most caring, empathetic and kind person I know besides when their fear brain takes over during conflict.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Let me ask you this: How do you navigate these moments of emotional intensity with them, and have you been able to talk about what happens during these conflicts when things are calm? It’s important to approach these situations with empathy while also setting boundaries to protect your own emotional well-being. If you want to explore strategies for managing these moments or ways to foster more secure communication, I’m here to help. Relationships with disorganized attachment styles can be challenging, but understanding their patterns is a big step toward growth and healing. Feel free to reach me through [e-mail] to explore this deeper, and I'll be happy to offer guidance and helpful resources.

[@kristindeitrick937]

Oh my! I’ve been thinking I’m disorganized but I don’t fit into either/or category totally. Could I be disorganized even in the category of disorganized 😂?

[@ihiroe]

Former disorganized!

[@ihiroe]

That said i was not a severe and tended towards quiet disorganized, and I mostly dated other milder DA/FAs that were more passive

[@24victoryJC]

Anxious/ fear abandonment Avoidant /fear engulfment Fearful Avoidant/fear connection

[@juliettenforero]

Also a quiet disorganized here! What are less expensive things I can do to learn and grow out of this attachment style?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I encourage you to reach me through [e-mail] so we can explore the different options and resources together. I'd be happy to help you in the way you're most comfortable with.

[@lisamiller7143]

Just trying to learn about this,, I dated someone with these attachments, it's. Sad, I really liked hem,, but he would not let me get close, and ran,, over 4 months, not seen hem

[@36cabecker]

I’m a loud avoidant and I’m wondering what advice you would give in regard to knowing if you’re truly connected to someone new that you are dating, or if I am just fulfilling the anxious need for validation? I tend to find that I talk myself into being with someone before I really know if I’m going to connect with them. What I do know is that in the past I have been in situations where I didn’t question how I felt about them at all, but without fail they didn’t have the same connection with me.. I guess I just get really confused by it all which makes sense as to why I feel I have a disorganized attachment style.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Disorganized attachment can definitely make it challenging to navigate new relationships. It sounds like you're struggling with the balance between anxious validation seeking and genuine connection. I encourage you to reach out to me directly at [e-mail]. We can delve deeper into your unique experiences and develop strategies for building secure connections.

[@kristincronin-g7n]

That chair makes it like you have long hair 😂😂😂

[@TheTanyachloe]

How do we foster secure attachment in our kids going forward? I’m in my 30’s and only discovered attachment theory this year! I am terrified that I have already damaged my kids now! I’m a loud disorganised with an avoidant partner, what do we do to correct and teach our kids better?

[@veronikavanquish]

You see me 🥺

[@AttachmentAdam]

I do! Which part of this resonated the most?

[@veronikavanquish]

When you brought up the Quiet Disorganized part. And the BPD part. And clarified the difference. And how BPD is overdiagnosed.🥰 And how someone with BPD is unlikely to share they have it. I am desperate to live a passable normal functioning life because my life got so unmanageably chaotic that i depend on creating as much normalcy in life..including how ppl look at me. Diagnosis is only something I share if specifically necessary. Also like how you clarified who gets thru the walls and why.

[@vastrida]

Pretty sure I know a Quiet FA male... the description of him being completely under the radar is right on the money.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What qualities or patterns do you see in him that helped you understand his attachment style?

[@vastrida]

@@AttachmentAdam I took your avoidant man course, and it resonated with a lot of things I've seen in him but not all of it. My pal definitely grew up with some family situation that set him up for hypervigilance and maybe a mom with some form of mental illness. He works in entertainment and his job has him keep lots of secrets. He's a people pleaser. He's extremely good at placating people and juggling chaos. Very smart. Empathetic. Somewhat a doormat to others. He also has gone through real adult trauma for which he's had some therapy. Everything he told me about seeing a therapist made me think he was sitting there NOT really telling the therapist anything. After 7 years of friendship I apparently did something (I missed a friend-date with him around Christmas) that made him deactivate-- and he went full dismissive avoidant for a week until his anxious side freaked out and he could forgive me because he didn't want to lose me. I'm a secure. This threw me for a loop and made me really anxious as an experience-- so I GOT curious. I'm not used to feeling anxious and wanted to understand. As I got curious I started to read about what I should do to get through to him that I care about him. Validation seemed to be the way. So when I got a new car a few weeks later (which I had to do anyway) I let him drive it the next day. This was 'mind blowing' for him because he felt it was a gesture of my huge esteem, which it was. And yes that was manipulative, but meant in an ethical and healing way. Now why would a secure person like me want to tangle with this complexity? Amazingly this man was the only person who called and poured into me during my father's slow death during the pandemic. (My family seemed to manifest a lot of self-involvement at this time and was not helpful.) So I care and want things to be good. Add into that the female love of solving a good mystery.

[@876tisha]

I am a balance between quiet and loud

[@AttachmentAdam]

Finding that balance can be quite insightful, Tisha! It's often a journey of understanding different aspects of ourselves. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[@rosiependlebury1999]

I’m curious to know why you use the term bedroom trauma as opposed to sexual trauma? How can an issue be truly addressed if it is only referred to in euphemism and surely not not all sexual trauma can occur in multiple settings other than bedrooms?….

[@visponvi]

He will get punished by the automatic KZbin system if he says the full real word, that’s why he hesitated

[@solutions4tenants141]

He’s got to be super careful of certain words that will trigger the A.I. police surveillance system on YT for reprimands from the system that will pull his plug if he doesn’t follow the guidelines set. Despite what most Americans think… we do not live in a freedom of speech country.

[@kyraiskelly]

I'm disorganised attachment 😢

[@honpolyo]

What style are you? I'll just have everything on the menu.

[@Mako-L82]

Is it quite common a loud one and a quiet one get attracted to each other? I always think I am dismissive but after watching this video I feel I might be quiet fearful 🤔

[@AttachmentAdam]

What traits or signs did resonated with you?

[@Mako-L82]

@@AttachmentAdam Adam thanks so much for your passion to help us. I am very grateful. I have strong feelings for a guy but he said to me” maybe I don’t know what I want, I don’t want to fall In love with you as love hurts” then it triggered me by seeing him still chatting with other girls can’t be exclusive with me, I just said “ if you don’t think I am the best thing, you keep searching for your best thing, my beauty and pleasure body are only for man who truly values me.” After that text, it’s no contact rule for over 12 days now. I today deleted his number just to stop myself from contacting him. But secretly I do wish he reached out. I went through devalue him to value him then to to devalue him. I don’t know if I am being too harsh sometimes. Then other time I feel he’s a fool to miss out on me. I believe he’s fearful and loud fearful. When we first dated, he was so eager and schedule second date immediately after the first date I was a bit surprised but I did enjoy his eagerness. He said he liked me a lot and felt strong attraction but yet he can’t focus on just me and be exclusive. At the same time I don’t know if I am triggered by him into a quiet fearful but a dismissive by nature or I am actually quite fearful. I feel I have a lot of pride. It’s so hard for me to initiate contact even I want to. What am I? Please help me 🙏 what should I do?

[@Mako-L82]

@@AttachmentAdamAdam, I do feel resonating to Quiet FA but only one problem, I don’t usually have negative image of myself. Based on the theory, DA has positive image of themselves and negative of others. FA have negative image of themselves and others. But I rarely have bad thoughts on myself. Well, I am not very severe DA, I am very self aware and I am big on self development. I identify myself well with your video on avoidant women. Fairness is huge for me. Any guys don’t make feel they treat me fairly I just want to dump them immediately. I have good friends. It’s just love relationships I struggle with. Guys that I often get attracted to are loud FA. I never chase or pursue guys. I block them more often than double text them.

[@24victoryJC]

There are way more than 2-5 % FA

[@YamileYemoonyah]

It just seems that way because we make up a big percentage of the people looking for help.

[@njojzanj1809]

Hi Adam. Once yoi said there is possibillity to write you an e-mail with question. Can I please have an e-mail adress? Thanks a lot!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. You can reach me through [e-mail]

[@docusi2674]

I am a quiet loud disorganized avoidant. I light my fires silently and sneak away without a trace. 😂😂😂

[@MissPotato444]

I have ADHD, is there an ADHD link?

[@Emolovesblack28451]

Trauma can cause both executive dysfunction and disorganized attachment so maybe.

[@rager4able]

I don't even know :/😢

[@heck4984]

ty. lol

[@david9920]

Maby

[@RockingRebelYell]

I hate that I have this style CPTSD sucks

[@AttachmentAdam]

What's the one thing you want to change about this the most?

[@RockingRebelYell]

@@AttachmentAdam I’m working on making my attachment more secure. I suspect it’s disorganized and the loud half of that. Makes way too much sense with my issues and what relationships I’ve had along with ones I’ve attempted to have. I want to be secure with my relationships it’s like learning how to walk in some ways in that I’ve learned I’ve done some of the things naturally.

[@tess7798]

I don’t know why people who video themselves don’t check their background. The chair behind your head makes you look like a nun.

[@24victoryJC]

D

[@saradavenport6128]

You have great information but you are SO long winded. I can hardly watch because you waste so much time talking about nothing. Please be more succinct. 🙏

[@skiaddict08]

I like it personally

[@lauriestirlingconsulting]

Wow I wondered why I didn’t seem to fit the other attachments. Seems I’m quiet disorganised 🥹 finally now I know.