How To Love An Avoidant Man (PART 1)

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@renem1219]

There are so many avoidant types on dating sites!

[@michelletulumello661]

How about teaching a course on how to identify avoidant people BEFORE you marry them, have a kid with them, etc. That would definitely make the world a happier place. We could avoid the avoidants, and they could meet each other for once a week no strings attached hookups and leave the rest of us alone.

[@michelletulumello661]

@@renem1219 right? People need to learn to avoid THEM.

[@renem1219]

@@michelletulumello661 I disagree, for if a person has dated one, then there is a dual trauma bond in play where they attract each other unconsciously. The key is to know how to build trust, and that does take patience, work, and skill. I think all relationships require this. Awareness is important, or it can become multigenerational trauma bonding with children.

[@anoncspan4129]

​@@renem1219as a long time lover of a DA, I agree. I've learned so much, hoping to get through it to the end, admittedly. Even if it doesn't work out, we're both better people in the end.

[@PookiieDhaFam3]

My man was an avoidant. But my secure attachment style has now made him very secure and obsessed with me. Do not smoother them, try to understand them AND give them RESPECT, when they want to focus on work you need to focus on you! Be secure with yourself and also build the friendship.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear that you are both working toward fulfilling love together! This is the goal of this video, to help people do exactly what you are doing together. Can you watch this video as a couple and discuss the changes you have made?

[@sabi3052]

Sounds like being a doormat.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

​@@sabi3052yup secure people turn anxious. I think only two avoidants that dont give a damn can live together.😂😂

[@kstev7]

@@sabi3052 a man isn't obsessed with a doormat. show up with Love and he will adore you

[@The_Art_of_Receiving]

@@sabi3052 Well, to me not at all. A mature woman who has developed her inner queen can do all of that with grace.

[@MM-pb8ik]

This is the BEST advice people. I am with a Dismissive Avoidant. I was anxiously attached when I met him and I realized that I was about to lose him and immediately took action. I became secure and I did what is being advised here. We are so deeply madly in love and he is devoted to me. Once you get it right with a DA, it’s the deepest most incredible love you’ll ever experience because it’s been buried for so long that. It’s magic.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback! I'm so glad to hear that you and your partner have found a deep, loving connection. It's truly rewarding when efforts to understand and adapt to each other's needs pay off, isn't it?

[@MM-pb8ik]

@@AttachmentAdam Yes deff. I do want to learn more about how to specifically get what I want - he still struggles with doing what I like. I’d love compliments, affectionate words and flowers lol. So I hope you’ll post more videos about how to speak to them in a language they understand in order to get your needs met. I have learned a lot about how to fulfill myself rather than needing validation externally. I didn’t even realize how badly I relied on that externally until he made me painfully aware of it. Even though I’ve healed that - I still would like it from him specifically. We still hit bumps in the road but the joy I get when we connect is worth the work.

[@iamwithuu]

@@MM-pb8ik hey! Glad to hear that ☺️ can you give me some advices how did you to work it? Can you recommend youtube channels, meditation and methods that you used 🙏

[@girlsixdiva]

Ok but what did you do on your end? You put up with a lot of silent treatment and keeping feelings to yourself.

[@MM-pb8ik]

@@iamwithuu I actually did not receive the silent treatment or withold my feelings. He would pull away but using Adams advice and that of Thais Gibson, I handled it pretty well. There was only one instance after a bad fight, our first bad one, that we both ghosted each other for a solid week. We needed to cool off. Hope that helps!

[@nohillforahighstepper]

You NAILED what life is like for avoidant men. The only way to feel safe is to push everyone away. I have deep connections with my dogs and horses. Human interactions stress the hell out of me. My mind tells me that humans are generally much safer than animals, my heart knows the truth. The 1 thing that keeps me from becoming a hermit is my relationship with Jesus Christ. I can wholly trust in God. He has never hurt me.

[@kikiisabeast2575]

God will lead you to love as he loves.. perfect love has no fear.. God loves people knowing they reject him and hate him, this is how he helps us love as well. I finally feel this after going through this journey with God. People hurt me and let me down, but i see them through God's eyes and am able to genuinely love them regardless of their actions towards me.. this is because my identity is not in them. It is in Christ. They have no control over who i am unless i give them that power.

[@dianas2766]

Just had this epiphany: we must really grow up, mature. Understand it is NOT about us ladies! It's about being a strong, mature human who wants to be a lifelong partner.

[@alyssaandkkplay2355]

You have explained it better than anyone else! A scared cat is a visual representation of what an avoidant person is.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad that visual resonated. Do you have someone like that you love?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I went more in-depth in this blog post: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@HippieZippy]

Not the pet variety, rather the ones kept in a zoo, with humongous teeth that will eat you alive given the opportunity. 🦁

[@MiSzCASSiEx3]

Our couples therapy actually used the same analogy, that I am the dog in the relationship and he’s the cat in the relationship. I ended up leaving because I realize I deserve to be with another dog or someone that has the capacity to love me the way I need to be loved, and can reciprocate better.

[@AttachmentAdam]

There are definitely cases where partners will be incompatible or where an avoidant person is going to refuse to change and become more secure for their relationship. I'm glad you were able to make that decision for yourself.

[@KasiuMaG44]

Man usually present strait away theirs readiness for relationship. If he is showing scarcity then he is not ready..he has to go away and do some inner healing work and DEVELOP to secure attachemant, and then he can start healthy relationship. Otherwise its just a toxic & immature man who isn't capable to build any solid structure. And for woman he becomes a constant chalange and she mush eggshell walk around him. Even if you have this knowladge (as a woman) how long can you be terraping him? A year? Max Two? Then you gonna emotionally break, but also you will be attached so it will be difficult to let go and you end up suuuper teared up and broken. Better is to let go him immediately so he can do his healing work without damaging any woman. I think this video is promotion fail imvestmant for woman in relationship.

[@MiSzCASSiEx3]

yup, unfortunately i did lose 2 years of my life before i realize that i was holding on to crumbs of intimacy.@@KasiuMaG44

[@michelletulumello661]

@@KasiuMaG44 this!

[@JonathanVachon777]

Deserve? Love is not about deserving, its a gift. You dont know how to love if you are using that word

[@alisonjohnson2220]

Been married to an avoidant man for 25 years. He left me with 3 children 15 years ago, on and off. He goes silent for lengthy periods and doesn't say why. I'm at a stage where as much as I care about him, I now care about myself more and don't want to waste anymore energy trying to make him 'feel safe.'

[@how_you_talk]

Kudos to you for speaking the reality. It's very very exhausting to deal with such people and if u r a loyal spouse then u r done. You are ripped off all the joys of life for a long time.

[@honaleri]

Good for you. Love him or not, he's not worth it. Your happiness shouldn't rotate around him.

[@ZeroSpawn]

Dump his butt. Let him simmer in his own brain.

[@Gr33dyGenius85]

That’s a long time to thug it out, but your own mental health is important as well, especially for your kids. If he knows what the issue is, he needs to do the work, as I have been. You can’t fix other people.

[@ems6764]

@@alisonjohnson2220 because after we give our understanding and patience and they still don't learn tools to trust or try to not resort back to always being avoidant then they keep repeating the same cycle. If they show no steps and all they do is become aware.. how are you doing the work to get where you need?

[@mariamoncadajamaicamelovet3995]

Being with my Avoidant Man for over 2 years was exhausting to say the least. I finally walked away for my own peace of mind.

[@JonathanVachon777]

Thats ironic because thats exactly what an avoidant would do, walking away. Looks like you are an avoidant too 😉

[@chailatte8874]

i disagree, because maybe she can get somebody who actually wants to meet her needs

[@JonathanVachon777]

@@chailatte8874 nobody can satisfy 100% of your needs. You are living in an illusion and narcissic world view

[@robertdeskoski9783]

@@JonathanVachon777: Come on - that's just silly logic. Everyone has a breaking point.

[@themuse11]

I have a secure attachment style. I dated an avoidant (who I loved very much) but it was too much work, and in the end, I had to heal from 3 years of self-abandonment (it'll sneak up on the most secure people - always making concessions, missing out on things you wanted to do with this person, always taking a back seat to his need for lots of space). I didn't have anything close to a partnership or mutuality, I had just adapted to the cat-like, breadcrumbing behavior. Don't do it ladies.

[@flirm777]

And you men out there, avoid avoidant ladies 🤣

[@JanneLarsen]

My life's too short for this!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you want a secure partner!

[@kimberlykachel]

I was married to an avoidant for 23 yrs. Problem was I gave him his space, I let him live his life the way he wanted but I ended up suffering because all I wanted was to be acknowledged. He would leave me alone 90% of the time while he spent time with his friends. I never asked out of him more than he wanted to give but again I was the one who was suffering. He never talked to me or shared with me his feelings. He avoided telling me how he felt. We were married but I was left alone. Then he decided to want a divorce. Which is fine, I'm not missing much. How can you miss what you didn't have to begin with.

[@ALT3REDB3AST]

I'm avoidant. Just recently learned this. It sucks. Im alone. I had an anxious girlfriend, and it didn't work out.... But, I'm watching videos, reading and learning. No dating right now. People are really cruel and not understanding.

[@alig1046]

Block the noise and keep at it. Self reflection and change from something that's hardwired into who you are is a huge and brave endeavor. ❤

[@Evajeanfreedom]

This is brave. Great that you're learning. Good luck!

[@pryanikkable]

The same, bro!

[@moondogsundown8458]

i wasnt able to "improve" my avoidance until the age of 48. learned to stop fearing the irrational emotions of others. but i could only do that when they ceased having leverage (financial, kids) over me.

[@moondogsundown8458]

now im in an avoidant avoidant relationship for last 3 yrs and its great. we do 2 weeks together and 2 weeks apart

[@a.d.b535]

I don't know what his core issues are, just that I feel like I'm not prioritized, taken for granted, feeling are dismissed and that I don't matter. I've told him time and again how I feel and how I'd like him to show up, he just says he loves me but nothing changes. I don't hover, blow up his phone, raise my voice, etc. I left today and told him why. Getting tired of the same sing, different day.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Is he willing to do any work on this as a couple? I ask because I help a lot of couples fix this exact issue in just a few coaching sessions. Send me an email at [e-mail] if you want some direct assistance finding the love in your relationship.

[@suzannemahoney]

Go you 🙏🏼🤗 Send love and blessings silently to them and breath in the relief. You are enough , you matter .worthy of being seen and acknowledged . I wish you well ❤️🙏🏼

[@susanthepowerseller]

Some people are "avoidant" because they just don't want a relationship. Real simple...if they treat you badly and are inconsiderate, move on. You made the right choice...don't second guess your decision...you deserve better! Caring people are out there!

[@endurancetsueboomslang3427]

Story of my life

[@a.d.b535]

@@AttachmentAdam I suggested a while back couples counseling, but he said we didn't need it. He also said I shouldn't watch relationship videos.

[@Zara19888]

This is the best avoidant video out there! Thank you so much. It’s been 3yrs with my bf and you are so right, it’s like they are scared cats. I give space, and love and show him in still here even when he pulls away. It genuinely works. After we get close or hit a milestone, I can see the change in him… but I remain consistent and patient and he comes around.

[@r_and_a]

*thank you* for sharing your *positive* experience! idk why so many flock to videos about avoidants just to leave cruel, dehumanizing comments

[@AttachmentAdam]

I love to hear you are doing better together! If you need some direct assistance moving this relationship connection forward by leaps and bounds, send me an email at [e-mail] and I can help.

[@alanakasem1723]

do you feel it's at your expense?

[@anca2919]

Hey,i am in the same situation. I would appreciate it very much to know if there are any chances for him to propose the following steps, such as not moving in together? or we will always stagnate. and if I don't want to move in together, how could I achieve this without scare him

[@The_Art_of_Receiving]

@@SK-no2pp I experienced something very different with an avoidant partner. When he felt respected in his needs I received so much love and care as never before.

[@the_fc4life]

Avoidant explanation content gives me hope for humanity, because maybe it's a sign that people are becoming more curious, understanding, and loving with each other. But then the comments sections always body slam that hope and hit it with a chair 😬

[@AttachmentAdam]

Stay hopeful. They're learning too because they're here aren't they?

[@chrisharris6462]

As a fearful avoidant, i am most scared of someone being unfaithful, cheating on me. I'd rather them grab me and love me. I won't claw my way out

[@MelissaChavez-kd2dm]

Never let anyone rob you of your peace & joy. Let them go, if after a year or two of trying to make it work with no reciprocation just excuses.

[@sairaphilip437]

Avoidants are best suited for those who seek short term relationships. It's not healthy for any person regardless of attachment style to be consistently dealing with someone else's insecurities especially when they are less likely to communicate or are less inclined to seek help and take responsibility for their healing.

[@Kpleaides]

Their dangerous to mentally well humans

[@tinawizi2380]

Well said.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is definitely part of a larger process, which should also include the avoidant person doing their own attachment work to become more secure and not require so much walking on eggshells. We all need to do our work!

[@waterlilynymph]

Avoidants do want long lasting love too and to get married and have families as a human need. But more than anything Avoidants need understanding that comes with love. They need understanding of time and space to process their emotions. Then a short term relationship easily lasts much longer than they thought. You have to be patient and empathic with them, keeping focus on yourself.

[@jenniferhammel4948]

Unfortunately there are not many true secure attachment style people, mostly only people who BELIEVE they are secure. So by your logic, the non-avoidant is by default the secure partner and that’s simply not true.

[@cyeth11]

From a distance! Save yourselves the confusion and heartache....

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you think there's ever a situation where it can work out?

[@bellavega8048]

@@AttachmentAdamwhy try? Please stop trying to convince people to work it out with broken people. Let people live them so they can learn to seek out your services so that they can learn to improve. They will never learn if people keep putting up with an avoidant’s brokenness.

[@northerngaltrue]

Trust me. I have experience in this. If you’re not already in a committed or permanent relationship with an avoidant, save yourself the heartbreak.

[@kognitivescientist]

In other words, you need to step on your own needs and revolve around his… It’s very tiring and unfair at least.

[@kognitivescientist]

Sorry, supposed to be the comment on its own, not reply

[@ourochroma]

Wow… you you said “they felt tolerated” That struck a nerve on me… it is very spot on

[@gypsypath1]

"Scared cat" is a great analogy!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Glad you think so.

[@ell11112]

Only if i knew this before, i would have walk away after the first avoidant sign. Dating an avoidant was hard, made me understand many things about me, but was really hard and so much suffering!! It was worth it only because helped me in my personal growth... My advise: if you know about the attachments styles, avoid avoidants!! You'll spare a lot of tears and pain! The worst thing about them is that they think they don't need healing 😕 "If you never heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people that didn't cut you"

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some avoidant people can definitely be hurtful, I agree. Most material online about avoidant people makes them look like monsters who are incapable of love. But in my experience, many of them are craving love and want to open up, but are scared of being hurt. This video is definitely for those people who will reciprocate with real love once they find it. For sure, guard your heart against exploitation. And if you find someone who is ready to return love once they feel loved, use this approach.

[@KasiuMaG44]

They might be craving love, but they surly not ready for relationship. You need to STOP convincing woman to attend such "relationships" because their emotional&mental health will 100% be influenced and long term damaged.

[@michelletulumello661]

@kasiakasjako8493 One hundred percent agree with this statement. Where I used to work some of the kids I worked with were violent and they made us engage in all sorts of unhealthy behaviors to placate them. This is kind of the same thing. I'm concerned about the degree to which this channel is encouraging all these people in relationships to engage in unhealthy, non self affirming behaviors to keep a partner that, 9 times out of ten, should probably not be kept. I don't want all of you suffering like I did. There's light at the end of the tunnel, run for it.

[@michelletulumello661]

@AttachmentAdam you can't KNOW which avoidant person that is that's gonna "Open up" Most of them don't, and there's a fair number of people on the spectrum who look avoidant that just do NOT have the ability and cannot learn the skills to be in a relationship and then there are covert narcissists who are malicious, that are also avoidant or appear avoidant. In some Christian circles, they call avoidants sexual anorexics because they ruin marriages by starving their partners of sex and intimacy due to a number of reasons. I'm not a Christian, but in a way, I like that description better because it's really a more accurate picture of what avoidant behavior does. These people are SO DESTRUCTIVE to the people they are in relationships with, and it doesn't matter what their intentions are. It's the RESULTS.

[@patriciapeeters7]

​@@AttachmentAdam But why hurt the other person instead..? 😞

[@cappygurl]

I would say that if you have any type of anxiety be it anxious attachment or disorganized attachment. Stay away from avoidant people. Let those who are secure or more avoidant deal with them or let them be alone so they can fulfill their own needs. Let's all work on becoming secure so we can become and find secure partners. Unless you want to always be in pain I would not recommend it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It is definitely smart to aim to spend more time with people who are secure, if you yourself are likely to struggle with feeling abandoned. I recommend both sides do their work to heal so no one has to feel this huge disconnect.

[@lililululalabooboo]

Avoidants create anxious though. Especially if the anxious is a stay at home mom who he moves away for work away from her support system. His lack of emotional support will make her anxious. He will then step further away and we have the beginnings of an extremely toxic relationship.

[@seekingenlightenmentbeauti1848]

Its so scary, dealing with an avoidnt time to time, their action mks u feellike u r a piece of garbage n dsnt exist one day n after few days agn gvng kisses n goodmornings

[@AttachmentAdam]

You'd probably appreciate this blog post on the subject: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@heatherboughton5936]

Absolutely right. Avoid at all costs, unless they are in therapy. Relationships have to be two people working at it, not just one.

[@Ashtarot77]

We're friends but my feelings for him are growing by the day. There are days where we'll talk non-stop then all of a sudden he pulls away. I just let him have his space then. I don't chase. I then contact him if something comes up that I need him to deal with with regards to a club we manage. And then we'll start talking again. The ball is in his court. And this is teaching me to have patience as far as relationships go because in the past I would just jump into them without any thought.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you have a lot of patience and are offering space. Is he reciprocating at all with consideration for your feelings?

[@michelletulumello661]

Sounds like you have a crush and he might just be uninterested or unaware of your interest. Avoidant relationships don't start out avoidant. There's a kind of bait and switch that occurs.

[@marioct130]

The avoidants' triggers originate in their own heads or hearts. The partner doesn't do anything untoward; the avoidant reacts to his thoughts and feelings.

[@linnw96]

The same goes with anxious people.

[@ld921]

Yup they will use anything to push you away.

[@playballpaintball3730]

Not at all true in my experience.

[@ld921]

@@playballpaintball3730 how do you mean ?

[@roc-88]

I'm avoidant, and that's true. I'll hear a phrase, tone, or a perceived unkind word from my wife and make an unconscious assumption that I've been attacked like I was in childhood. This spirals into a fight. But my wife had no intention of saying what I heard. I'm undoing this reaction. When I feel triggered, I sit with the feeling, become present in the moment by hearing and feeling my surroundings. Then, examine the context. What actually happened? Is this a real threat, or are my emotions hijacking my brain? Are we arguing right now? Probably not. After a few moments, I'll ask my wife, "What did you mean by [insert phrase]" After she clarifies, I'll go for extra clarity and say, "OK, because this is what I heard. [Insert assumed message]" She's usually horrified and assures me she would never be so mean. It's helped a lot.

[@joannegild8001]

After two years, pretty good ones, this video has helped me understand why he seems to be excluding me from publicly acknowledging how close we really are. He says I know him better than anybody else in the world and he considers me his best friend as well as lover. But my expectations are stifled. I m not anxious, but a bit frustrated at times.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you both might be stuck trying to move forward but not knowing how. I do help a lot of couples with some direct coaching to move past these obstacles and open up with more love. Send me an email at [e-mail] if you'd like some suggestions and options for improving the situation.

[@Helium333-pj2jt]

Willing to bet he finds it hard to publicly even admit he's with you? To friends or family. Even though you are basically his world. I feel your pain. But I don't think he's lying when he says those things to you.

[@Minarhenaye]

I’m going through this. I asked for Therapy because I’m triggered with his stonewalling and him disrespecting my boundaries. He said no to therapy and said he doesn’t want to work on relationship. When I asked if he wanted to separate he said he can work on it but not now. Feels unfair to have to reach out and do the relationship on my own when I give him what he wants but my needs are neglected.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Leave him. ...

[@bellavega8048]

Leave him now…he won’t change, you will waste your life.

[@TheTichon]

This is literally dismissive avoidant instead of nervously avoidant.

[@kbc1883]

Listen to those of us who have wasted years of our lives: move on. He may be e wonderful in many ways, others may love him too, but if he says he is not going to go to therapy when you say that you have a real pain around what’s going on now, this is not going to end well! It is like someone saying “I’m hemorrhaging blood and need your help”and the other person saying “I have this toe I’m wearing that I could use as a tourniquet, but I’m not ready to get it dirty right now. Maybe later after I’ve worn it some more, then I’ll be ready to help you stop the bleeding… maybe.” Save your own life now before you lose out on more opportunities because you are just hoping he eventually will be willing to work with you.

[@maxivegas1324]

Was with an avoidant for 9 years and finally just walked away. I grew tired of pouring into and trying to talk it out just to repeat the cycle every 6-9 months. Its exhausting and leaves you completely empty.

[@michelletulumello661]

Proud of you for leaving. Give yourself what he didn't.

[@maxivegas1324]

@michelletulumello661 I am healing and giving myself the attention I deserve. It's the best thing for me.

[@JustinaJayne]

Year 9 here 😢

[@maxivegas1324]

@JustinaJayne if you can't leave, find a way to tend to your own happiness and peace. Also I would say make it a point to set some time for just you things, your favorite movies, books, art, whatever is your happy. Also best of luck in your decision whichever it is.😊

[@bonnie3063]

Agreed! Finally left a 15 year marriage after lonliness and exhaustion. An avoidant man needs to change so he doesn’t continuously exhaust all his partners.

[@Becstar_07]

My avoidant ex killed my soul. I did everything to make him feel safe and secure. Still he didn’t want to feel trapped and left after a year to go back to casual dating. He’s so detached, it just makes you feel like you never meant anything. I’m finally off the roller coaster but definitely have internal scars now.

[@kognitivescientist]

I totally feel what you describe.

[@TheTichon]

Prob just a narc. An avoidant probably doesn't want to date in general.

[@yolandaroby809]

Hey!!! That was very insightful. I’ve been with an avoidant for close to twenty years. Initially, as an anxious person, I pretended to be Okay with his running away behavior just because there was no one else. He was comfortable with that. Over the years, he has come to feel safe and the relationship has evolved into something that we both are content with. I can’t wait for part two.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback here! Part two is out already, so check that out. I recommend watching these two videos together and discussing them to see what new improvements you can layer into your connection. AND, make sure he’s healing that avoidant behavior so you aren’t the one always accommodating! Sounds like you guys are doing great, so keep going.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

That's wonderful for you! Most of us do not want to wait 20 years or even 20 months waiting for our needs to be considered as well.

[@yolandaroby809]

@@hshfyugaewfjkKS We have been together for twenty years. I didn’t have to wait that long. My point was the relationship is good. We are still together after all this time. I pretended initially but, my giving him space was what he needed. Even though, as an anxiously attached person, it wasn’t what I wanted. Now, I give him space and he comes to me. Exactly what I do want.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

@yolandaroby809 I hear you. It was the same thing I did for my ex, but his fears always won out over his desire for connection. We tried 3x. Each time around 4-5 months he would bail. Very hurtful and hard on my FA nervous system. I'm glad it worked out for you.

[@yolandaroby809]

@@hshfyugaewfjkKS. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you two. Believe me, I’d think about him sometimes and wonder if it was worth it. The secret for me, being anxious and all was to just step back and give him space. Fortunately, he never left. I’m not sure if I would have welcomed him back.

[@anonymous_g001]

As a 17-year-old Male with Autism, who also has a fearful avoidant attachment, our need for a girlfriend/wife to not only be absolutely honest and clear about everything she does or is going to do, but also for her to be emotionally vulnerable first, is absolutely relatable, even though this video is for Dismissive Avoidants 😅 Anyway great video Adam! I hope you can a future series like this for males with Fearful Avoidant Attachment.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, glad this was helpful! Sounds like you've got a clear pathway for greater relationship success right there: Be as clear and direct as possible. If someone can do that, they might be a great match for you!

[@a.d.b535]

You are very aware. So nice to hear your thoughts. I have a Son on the spectrum. Wishing you much success in finding a great life partner.

[@r_and_a]

​@@pattisymonette5024take your own ableist & unhelpful advice 😘

[@kbc1883]

Do you work on understanding not only what you need yourself, but what you will have to offer and what you will need to give in order to be a good boyfriend/husband? This video is very much about how a woman can serve man’s needs in the situation. But this channel doesn’t do as good of a job at helping avoidant men themselves change and grow. I can see how it appeals to avoidant men, but I do hope you can also take in resources that will help you provide for the attachment style and needs of a future girlfriend.

[@IKFKSwitch]

I think the best partners for avoidants are those who travel a lot, and are away for extended periods of time. Commercial fisherman, special forces, comedians, musicians. It seems to me that this would be a best case scenario for an avoidant who has no plans on moving towards a more secure attachment style.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That would likely be two avoidants! Many avoidant people choose careers and lifestyles and even moving a lot so they can have distance from others.

[@Schwabian]

Best to not become involved- your just a carer - they like being alone

[@Helium333-pj2jt]

Well I'm his longest relationship and I travel all the time and we can't live together. So you're probably right. I'm secure/anxious it's just my situation and he chose a career where I can't live with him.

[@moondogsundown8458]

im a male in an avoidant avoidant relationship. i travel every 2 weeks a month. it works great for both of us.

[@mikimiki6202]

You're right. Traveled the majority of our time, and problems started once that slowed down. It makes sense now.

[@TheHouseOffice]

Youre still so damn good at explaining this shit, Adam

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I'm glad this was helpful!

[@suzannemahoney]

Holy moly. I am all about love. Care . Giving. Open heart etc etc. Yes i want him to feel relaxed and happy and filled with endless understanding.. All the space he ever wants forever.. But hold your horse a second.. Zero love understanding attention support etc etc for the all giving partner. Hilarious….. Are we robots .? Empty vessels that have no emotional needs.? 😂😂😂 nope.!! Relationships are a two person responsibility.. constant care givers eventually burn out and die exhausted.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Definitely not advocating for zero love or support in return. The avoidant person should be working from their side to be more securely attached and to reciprocate that love and mutual fulfillment as well!

[@butterflyempress777]

I found you all of a sudden out of nowhere. I am truly grateful to have stumbled upon you. You've given me hope when everyone else says it's doomed! 🙏 And affirmed what i intuitively felt and had partially been doing (which explains why my guy finally opened up a week ago saying he loved me after 10 months) But then the backward spiral immediately after which kicked in my anxiety and when he went silent without a warning, i panicked. But quickly got my bearings back (i learned from the first time he did this). He finally responded with needing space. Which im totally cool with if i get a heads up. Im anxious attachment who's done the work and mostly secure now. But avoidants over time can cause anyone to be anxious. Especially if you're very intuitive. Thank you again for this!! 🤗 I will explore more of your work. 🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad to hear that you found the content helpful and that it resonated with your experiences! It sounds like you've been through quite a journey with your guy. If you ever need guidance tailored to your specific situation, feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] - I'm here to help!

[@kbc1883]

If you are young and desire a family in the future, then please be very careful. Many of us have made the mistake of investing in an otherwise great guy who is avoidant and trying these things, only to have him not actually able/willing to change after years. And we lost our opportunity to have children and a family. For me, it did not seem like that big of a sacrifice at the time. But now it is devastating and not something I would wish on anyone. Don’t let videos and books give you false hope. They can be great info, but then be brutally honest with yourself about whether or not he really is able/interested in changing and showing actual significant progress. Otherwise years of your life can be sucked away trying these techniques to no avail.

[@butterflyempress777]

@@kbc1883 Thank you for your concern. Luckily I have 3 children and don't want more. Unfortunately I wasted my years on 2 marriages with abusive and narcissistic men. I've done tremendous healing and have learned many lessons. This one is different. Yes he's willing to change. And I will not waste my years. Life is precious, if he doesn't work on it with me I love myself enough to move on. 🙏💞✨🦋

[@JJmikra]

I thought my ex was avoidant and trying hard. I realized long after our break-up that he has narcissistic personality disorder... Suddenly it all made sense and how I was stupid and stupidity wasting my energy and time. It would be very helpful if you explain the difference between "just avoidant" vs personality disorder

[@AttachmentAdam]

That difference can look subtle at first but becomes much harsher over time. I'm sorry to hear you went through this pain. How are you doing with recovering from it, and how confident are you so far that you know how to make sure it never happens again? If you want to learn to filter partners more carefully, for example, you're welcome to email me at [e-mail] and we can talk

[@JJmikra]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you very much for your reply 😊🤗 I failed miserably there and next several relationships (fortunately? they were short) but I somehow learned lessons or just lucky and met my current boyfriend who treats me well 😊 Today I can see that I ignored all the red flags. It was me who deceived myself. I hope others don't fall into such a situation

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

@@JJmikra Listen to Sam Vaknin about narcissism. He is the king

[@cloudslady3400]

The difference is HUGE…as someone who has a narcissistic parent….narcissists are almost always anxiously attached and not fully avoidant…NPD individuals struggle with a sense of identity and loneliness…so they panic when they’re alone…they aren’t independent the same way avoidants are…they will break down to pieces if you criticise them and will be actively harmful…but avoidants just withhold and shut down inside of themselves and leave…it is less likely to find an avoidant pushing over your boundaries just to break you..avoidants simply don’t care about dragging you down..they just fade Well so many narcissists have disorganised attachment style..so they could look similar but definitely aren’t NPD is addicted to attention/ people/ validation…avoidants avoid it all that is clearly not the same…say to an avoidant you are the best in the world and see them being disgusted..

[@AttachmentAdam]

Here's a blog post that should help differentiate: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@marioct130]

Love yourself. Don't bother. You will sacrifice your well being and mental health.

[@AttachmentAdam]

For the wrong person, yes that's true. For people who are doing their own attachment work and just need encouragement, this approach could help.

[@marioct130]

What avoidant does his own attachment work?

[@kristinahaugen5534]

Thank you! You’re amazing! I embrace him, calm him and feed him. And I give him space and support! I love him and want him to stay safe and loving with me. Your words are Godgiven. You’ve supported me and my loved one! 🙏

[@kbc1883]

What do you get in return?

[@thankfully1202]

I have done this for 12 yrs and I still have nothing. It is like having a handicap child that never can grow up and leave. Draining, sucking the life out of you. If someone read my journals, they would say I'm crazy for sacrificing my life and love on a bucket with holes that I can never fill. I lost who I was to help him, but it hasn't. I put him first and he puts everything over me. I wish I could go back and not get involved as it has ruined my life.

[@Braveheart0803]

SPEAK YOUR MIND GIRLS!! If they leave it’s their LOST. Don’t CHASE! Just show who you are by being genuine. Be transparent even the most delicate issue. Even when I want to have S*X with him. But when he’s so stressed out from his job. I don’t insist. I just give him a massage to calm him down. We make sure that we both desire to do that intimacy. This is what I learned from this kind of attachment. I am working with myself as well as being SECURE and at PEACE!! Thank you for all your videos. ❤❤❤

[@maitri98]

For any sincere person it is like disrespecting oneself n waste of time, energy, effort n emotions.

[@innanbordes2018]

Exactly. They don't deserve anyone good.

[@TheTichon]

Someone who talks about other people like they are a waste of time is most certainly not sincere or a good person.

[@maitri98]

@@TheTichon it's alright buddy. I not obligated to live my life to your standard/definition of a good person. Good day

[@TheTichon]

@@maitri98 I never said you have to. WTF

[@cosmopolitan4043]

I would try to talk with him in a clear rational way. I got silence back. I’d even wait several minutes for him to “process” what I said and I’d still get silence. When he would get hurt or upset he’d give me the silence treatment for 2-3 weeks sometimes. I finally decided this is like being in a relationship with a concrete wall. I was getting nothing back. I’d rather just have a relationship with my dog instead… there’s more communication!

[@Pheonix1111]

I have disorganized fearful attachment style, but I lean and gravitate more on my fearful avoidant side. I never chase anyone, because I mostly avoid people. Adam, you said that we should first try becoming securely attached within friendships with the same gender. I have tried this with other women, but they cannot do the things you describe in this video especially when it comes to resolving conflicts. Plus women definitely have a catty (pun intended) nature to intentionally harm other women. I just cannot trust people. They are never clear about their expectations. They never even care about my needs. I am exhausted caring for and meeting other people’s needs only to have my needs ignored. I always feel like I am in a one-sided relationship. They ignore my needs completely even if I bravely state one of my needs. I just gave up on people. Since most men are avoidant, we just avoid one another and never even speak with one another. The same is true for avoidant women. I am looking forward to your part 2.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Phoenix, thanks for commenting here. I hear these challenges a lot from my coaching clients and the frustration at feeling stuck can be very real. In my experience there are usually some skills missing that make this gap occur - usually filtering skills, communication skills, and connection skills. You might not have had an opportunity to learn them in childhood, and that could be the driving factor for a lot of the attachment issues that formed. But learning these skills as an adult often improves the situation and helps people find a lot more fulfillment in their relationships. If you want to talk more about this you can email me at [e-mail]

[@Braveheart0803]

Adam my avoidant guy, loves LOVE LETTERS, SWEET NOTES, and AFFIRMATIONS. I am a huge fan of writing. I am more effective when I convey my words through letters. It’s his first time to have a Filipina girlfriend. And so far he is amazed at my culture. My family and friends’ warmth in welcoming him to my world. I was just waiting for him when he introduced me to his mom lol I asked him before and he said IT’S TOO SOON I just laughed. Again, we have different cultures and I understand that part.

[@noirettebeauty]

Not worth it. They make terrible fathers, and come from terrible fathers. There’s literally 6B people out there. Life is too short to settle for low-quality relationships with a man who chooses not to do his own work

[@indyd9322]

Why? Are they avoidant with their kids?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like you filter carefully to make sure you're not with someone who is avoidant. What do you look for that warns you?

[@kaitlin8669]

Yes they usually avoid spending time with their kids or ditch them

[@KasiuMaG44]

Yes, they are basicaly scared to approach any sector of life and don't have "protector strenght" for their children, so they withdraw from parenting/ avoid parenting. Terrible man for father role. They might be craving love, but they surly not ready for building solid structure. You Adam need to STOP convincing woman to attend such "relationships" because their emotional&mental health will 100% be influenced and long term damaged as well as childrens!

[@rachhhh9722]

Mine ignored me and his 2 year old for 3 days because he scratched the tv . How do you explain to a 2 year old why his dad won't speak to him . Absolutely heartbreaking and I will never forgive him for the rest of my life

[@francleighscarlett]

I just want to thank you for your series. I'm anxious healing and unsure if my partner might be avoidant. I get so tired of my anxious peer support group, as it's so mean to avoidants and men in general. It's not helpful to me to stop being anxious when surrounded by cries of "run away, they're all evil." Such a refreshing change of pace. We're all human; we didn't ask to be wired this way. Absolutely, his needs matter to me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your feedback and I'm glad you found this series helpful. I invite you to join my attachment circle program where you can learn to form meaningful connections and fix broken attachment together in a supportive community. Send me an email at [e-mail] if you'd like to learn more.

[@francleighscarlett]

@@AttachmentAdam thanks ill look into it. I find the group setting helpful, but unfortunately feel the one I am in right now isn't about healing as much as I'd hoped it would be.

[@marik8624]

I recognize I have anxious atttachment style, I want to get better, because I've realized that the guy I'm interested in might have avoidant attachment style. I want to help him feel safe and secure, I just feel afraid myself too, because I've been hurt too many times before by other men. It has taken me very long time to find this man, and I feel I'm ready to do the work... I keep watching your videos, thank you so much, these have been more helpful than any others I've watched before I found this channel.

[@kbc1883]

It is great you recognize your own attachment style and are working on it. I hope you can continue to be very aware of the red flags and realize early on if he is unable to work on himself in a consistent way that moves the needle. The loneliness that comes with a long term relationship with an avoidant is like no other pain I’ve experienced in life. I would not wish it on anyone. So please do not stay and stay and stay for little crumbs of change or promises. Give it a try, but don’t waste a lot of time with him. I’ve ended up childless because I waited too long in my marriage to an avoidant and I really regret those wasted years.

[@4bnfree]

As someone who did off and on with the same person for years I would say this. Make them aware of the issue and leave it up to get help. In the meantime leave them alone until they have dealth with their issue. ...because they may not. As someone who had codependency and went to counseling, I would never make a video and how to love a person with codependency. My advice would be the same...Come back to me when you have dealth with your issue and are in a mental healthy state capable of getting and giving love and intimacy and being in a healthy relationship.

[@dvegas]

I love the cat 🐈 analogy because I have 2 avoidant cats that we've had for 10 years. It took 2 years to let us pet them and now they come out and get pets, but only with food 😅. Otherwise, we just give them tons of space to sit in their rooms. So much so, my husband and I joke that we forget the cats are even here!

[@AttachmentAdam]

The cat analogy came about because I needed a way to help people understand that not all avoidantly attached people are malicious exploiters. Most are just scared and want to be loved but are afraid of being hurt.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I suspect you in particular will also enjoy this blog post I wrote: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@airdnaxela420]

Ladies do not listen to or follow a man for information. Especially if you are dealing with a trouble individual who isn't working WITH you. You are not crazy, you deserve a good stable life, and Melanie Hamlet is an awesome writer who shares videos on youtube about men and their toxic behavior while also providing a validating space for women to feel heard. Manifestelle is another youtuber on here who also helps bring a closer look to how we can wake up from this self degradation cycle that our patriarchal society forces upon women.

[@Jenny-vm3yu]

Ladies, perhaps you should also consider not dating him and finding someone else. I broke up with a messy avoidant guy and then met my husband very soon afterwards. I tried so hard with my ex but sometimes the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. Go find someone who is all about you and you don’t have to play guessing games with. Ironically, breaking up with an avoidant person somehow makes them pursue you, but by then it’s too late in my view. Either they showed up at the start or they didn’t. There’s plenty of men who will, don’t waste your time.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's definitely true that people should be compatibility testing and making sure the avoidant person actually wants a mutually fulfilling relationship. This approach is for couples who talk things through and are working together to build a secure bond.

[@ShinySilverBunny]

😂😂😂 how to love an avoidant man.... avoid him at all costs. Why is it ALWAYS put on women as if it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to bear the burden of trying to care and love people who don't love back? If he is so easily scares, I don't want him. I want someone as courageous as me. Women are not therapists , men need to seek therapy and deal with these issues on their own.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you might have encountered one who was especially hurtful, what's the story here?

[@Erinloveable]

@@AttachmentAdam They are all super selfish and hurtful. Anyone who only thinks about themselves while their partner is emotionally bleeding out shouldn't chase and love bomb people to begin with. You love independence so much? Keep it.

[@muirgirl]

👏👏👏

[@dejaunajackson7666]

Don’t love them is the only advice that should be given here.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Is that always the ONLY answer?

[@michelletulumello661]

Facts. It's just a commitment to suffering while being treated with no more consideration than an object.

[@Sarah40.]

​@@AttachmentAdamno, I don't think it's always the only answer. I don't think the poster meant that. Of course, there are avoidants, just like other people with problems, that deserve that level of patience and literally, sacrificing of what makes US happy in order to maybe help them gradually open and reciprocate 20-30% of what we give. There are probably exceptions that can cure easier and give us back what we need, but those are the exceptions that prove the rule. The moral of the story is that if you are a loner who wants to try to eventually cure a scared cat, that's ok, but for people who love and need love back to be happy, the avoidants are definitely not the ones to be stucked with. Everything you say sounds very possible and rewarding, but Im sure that only few relationship with avoidants have happy ending and happy partners.

[@Adriana.Gabriela]

This is the best video on avoidants I've seen. Amazing explanations.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback. Glad it was helpful!

[@poopenlicht6448]

Female here! Thank you for all your work, Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching, glad to help!

[@coachtinab125]

Thanks this was helpful. I am probably an anxious avoidant myself, we have some similar background experiences and trigger the hell out of each other, but when I calm down I feel the love there.

[@user-bp9vc2ko9x]

This is utterly ridiculous. If a man is capable of pursuing and inspiring love in a woman then runs away and hides, no woman should have to deal with this. The other person is allowed to have a real partner. Not some fix up project giving yourself and resources for a grown man to continually run away and hide. Giving lip service with no actions. These men are broken but so are other people. It’s called do the work and stop hurting others bc of your childhood. Lots of peoples childhoods suck but do the work and heal. Stop covering for toxicity with excuses. If your in a relationship with an avoidant person and they’re not willing to do the work…just leave. They won’t change no matter how much you coddle them.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some avoidant people can definitely be hurtful, I agree. Most material online about avoidant people makes them look like monsters who are incapable of love. But in my experience, many of them are craving love and want to open up, but are scared of being hurt. This video is definitely for those people who will reciprocate with real love once they find it. For sure, guard your heart against exploitation. And if you find someone who is ready to return love once they feel loved, use this approach.

[@liannemarie2504]

Why do you automatically assume that all avoidance are men? I mean I know that in this instance we are talking about avoiding men but you just automatically say that no woman should ever have to deal with and avoided man. So should no man ever have to deal with a woman that has issues from her past? Does that seem fair? I feel like if you love somebody, you take on some of their burden because that's what everyone does when they get in a relationship. They take on some of the burden of the other person and try to help them, For Better or For worse. That's kind of what that means

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

3 % change. Most dont even seek help. They drag you to hell. Nomatter what the cause is being abusive is not for sane humans

[@Akcd11r2002]

“User-blablabla” Sounds like youre triggered… you seem really invested in shaming and blaming the victim in this case. Almost like you want these people to never find peace… why is that???? You shame them for not doing “the work” but if someone don’t have the correct tool how can any work be performed toward a successful outcome??? You let your mask slip a little too far…. I know what you are and who you serve.

[@michelletulumello661]

​@liannemarie2504 the problem with the idea of taking on the burdens of the people you love is that the avoidant will absolutely NOT do that for you in return. Love, in order to be love, has to be reciprocal. The whole problem with avoidants is that they don't reciprocate.

[@patriot-hj5vx]

Adam love your videos. You have taught me so much. One request is to make the ads less frequent. It's every few minutes i'm forced into an ad. It ruins the flow of your sage advice. Thanks again

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your support and feedback! I appreciate your suggestion ❤️

[@Nikita-rm1ru]

Doing soo many things for Avoidant man ,lolz 8billion population it is and ladies you deserve 1 right man 😊 Avoidant man is running away let him run , participate in Marathon. All the best 👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, sounds like you might have been hurt by an avoidant man. What's the story?

[@kognitivescientist]

Yes they do run before any “kind and patient” will be possible. They do involve themselves in emotionally safe ONS while away.. It seems the ones who stay to allow patiently give them love and all that was described here, are not that deeply broken ones 🤷‍♀️

[@loosusan5412]

Adam really hit the core! Really really useful for anxious to learn how to deal with my avoidant boyfriend.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found it helpful! It’s great to hear it’s resonating with you. How’s it going with your boyfriend so far? If you ever need more guidance, feel free to email me at [e-mail]

[@SolidNeodark]

Hey, Adam, any chance you can make a video about how to love an avoidant woman? I think avoidant women are rarely mentioned when it comes to relationship advice, because the avoidant attachment style seems to be more often associated with men.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good question, and I work with this dynamic SO OFTEN in my coaching practice. It's definitely counter-intuitive for most couples, which is why they need direct assistance. And yes, most avoidant folks are men, which is why these women get forgotten!

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

Avoidant woman - Listen the Art of Love - Lucia, she is an avoidant

[@carlymassimiani2958]

I've listened to hours of this from various 'professionals'...but cannot believe how everything YOU are saying is excellent, makes so much sense and I'm soaking it in. THANK YOU

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thank you! I'm really glad it was helpful! ❤️🙌

[@marioct130]

It's not up to the partner to tiptoe and create the conditions for an avoidant to not run. Avoidants don't equally invest in the health of the relationship.

[@evelinatrizio]

Tiptoeing would come from an anxious attachment. What Adam talks about will make BOTH more secure attached. If you want to do it for yourself, it's ok. If you get your motivation from doing it for someone, it's ok. Just work on being the peace yourself.

[@anneliesewright662]

Thank you for this positive advice. It has given me a whole new perspective. Doing these things will also help me heal my anxious attachment style.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wonderful! I'm glad to hear that. If you need any support and guidance on this journey please feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@louisemoulin4704]

Anyone telling you to put your heart and soul into an avoidant man is not on your side. Look up narcissism.

[@KasiuMaG44]

Yes, even tho they might be craving love, they surly not ready for relationship. You Adam need to STOP convincing woman to attend and invest in such "relationships" because womans emotional&mental health will 100% be influenced and long term damaged.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you believe all people with avoidant attachment style are narcissistic?

[@alanakasem1723]

you can't generalise all avoidants as narcissistic

[@kognitivescientist]

@@alanakasem1723 but it’s crucial to discern though, caring for narcissist by mistake will cost health!

[@ZeroSpawn]

Avoidance & narcissism is two different things.... 😒.

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

In shot: they are not worth it 🤣😂🤣

[@AttachmentAdam]

Many are, but you need to filter carefully for who is going to reciprocate and who is going to farm you for feelings.

[@ld921]

@@AttachmentAdamwhat is farming for feelings ?

[@tinasong5582]

I know this is about how to love an avoidant but that bit about anxious attachment was amazing!!! 🙌🙌🌟🌟 Just subscribed and here for the golden nuggets of knowledge you dropping lol👀🦻🏽

[@lynnmcdonald3401]

Your advice is golden. Thank you! I have done to these conclusions myself over a long period of self reflection and study haha - loving that you conform i am on the right track!!!! He is more than well worth making the effort for ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're so welcome! And I love to hear you are committed to each other. Keep in mind I am here to help, let me know how I can assist!

[@nataanda2486]

Hi Adam, Im back to tell you that your information has saved my relationship and we are sooooo happy now. It was just so much misunderstanding on my side. Thank you so much!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so glad to hear that! If you ever need more support or just want to share how things are going, I’m here. Keep building on that happiness. So proud of the progress you’ve made!

[@samanthamikles6171]

You are absolutely AMAZING my friend! Thank you!!! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad this was helpful!

[@nancycleary2564]

Thank you u, I am not an avoidant man but an avoidant female, your descriptions of my fears and anxiety are so. Accurate and you are the first person to describe my thoughts 😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing this message. I am glad you have found the videos to be helpful. Please consider going through my new course. It will really help! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ you can learn all about it here.

[@juliaarambula3153]

You don’t. Ladies you’re wasting your health and energy if you do. They are immature getting into relationships when they are avoidant. They put the responsibility on their partner to show them love. You’re not their therapist. It’s called therapy. Enter at your own risk. They will hurt you. I would tell the men the same advice with women. Hurt people need to heal first.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I agree that everyone needs to do their work to become ready for relationships. For those who are already in relationships with someone who might be avoidant, do you think there is ever a pathway to healing together?

[@Helium333-pj2jt]

there is I think - I think you both grow by going through it@@AttachmentAdam

[@Hannah-ez7fh]

Adam, I want to thank you. I have just watched this video, part 2 and the biochemistry video with my boyfriend and both he and I feel like we finally understand him a lot better. Our relationship was just on the edge as he was distancing himself and I was chasing, now we understand what was happening. I have watched many videos on avoidants, most paint them as villains or use a language they would not identify with. Your channel is so helpful. Thank you! ♥️

[@b.a.e.7532]

All these labels we have for dysfunction, all fall under the umbrella of victimhood. I know because I was once a victim to limited beliefs, that over time had me operating in what I thought was normal. Forgiveness, self-love, and the determination to change your love life's trajectory is the only answer to being a better person, and in dating. IMO.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Think of this attachment style as the starting place. The goal is to go from avoidant to secure, not to stay in avoidance forever. This is the piece most people don’t talk about - attachment styles can change with love and effort.

[@user-st4mj4to3h]

Thank you so much for your compassion in making this video!!!! I thank God for you, man and I am trying to understand these tendencies so I can be a better human. This information is like magic keys!!! I'm excited

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're very welcome! I'm delighted to hear that the video resonated with you and that you find the information helpful. Thank you for your kind words and support!

[@Diathon1]

I’ve been describing myself as Tsundere. Now I have a better term for it. Hm…better. *Now I have another term for it.

[@Damarzilla]

This was so good. Especially loved the line about calming him down first, and then loving him.

[@michelletulumello661]

I see a bunch of people in here who are in a position of trying to figure out how to beg for crumbs where the whole meal should be your RIGHT in any relationship. I went through this for 18 years. Now, I have a normal relationship with someone who wants to be in it and literally finds all the ways to tell me every day. Think about that. Is this where you want to be for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? Or do you want someone who loves you and makes you their first priority? Because you will NEVER get that with an avoidant.

[@jocelynlarios544]

Iam a woman and also have an avoidant attachment and recognize this. I’m in a time line to heal, I desire and crave healing because I know the struggles and no one deserves to be treated as such. I agree! Don’t get in a relationship if you are not ready.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's fantastic to hear that you're actively working on your attachment style and repairing it! What strategies are you currently using?

[@hellicaordo1418]

You know, that video made me happy and chuckling. Let me explain why, but for that, I need to tell you a story. Last summer I met a guy, and quickly he became THE guy. From the very first day of our friendship, he was the most caring and invested in me person. We quickly learned that our core beliefs are identical and that we love spending time with each other. We could talk for hours and hours, all night until the sunset. Well, after that, we quickly skipped a few stages (thanks to my anxious attachment due to previous traumas and traumatic hypersexuality), and after that, he pulled away with brutal honesty. That was painful, but more than that, it was confusing because he stayed in my life and invested in our friendship all the same, even more with time. Okay, and now to the funny part. At some point, he was caring for our mutual friend's cat, while she was away for a month. That was an old cat, very fluffy and pretty but very grumpy, it seemed she hated even her owner and always hissed on every person he saw. No one was able to touch her and not being scratched or bitten. And a few weeks after the guy sent me a photo of this cat bumping her head right in his palm. "You know, she demands my attention now, do not allow me just to lay in bed and insist to pet her", he said. I was shocked, I never saw that cat acting that way. I asked him, what did he do, and his answer was "I was kind and patient, that was all she needed". It took me some time to realize that, but after he pulled away and I was analyzing what was going on, am I dealing with a high-level narcissist or was there another reason for such unusual behavior, I remembered that cat, and that was the moment when it struck me. "He is just like that beautiful cat, who is very curious and wants to trust, but too afraid and bites first if you reach her too fast. I need to be kind and patient, that is all he needs". I must confess, that being kind and patient can be very, VERY hard sometimes, but it works. A few months after I asked him if he was okay to rent an apartment with me, just as friends. He didn't hesitate for a moment to say "yes". About two months ago, when we were arguing, he told me "I will not go anywhere from you". About a month ago he said, "well, we have some unusual relationships, but we are in relationships". A few weeks ago I asked him, do he love me. "Yes, of course!", he replied to me. I asked him, can he say that to me. "I'm shy", was his first answer. "I love you", he said a second later. I don't know where our relationship will be in the future, that is for sure, but at least I know that I will not regret this time so far.

[@samottientertainment281]

🤗🙏🏼

[@samottientertainment281]

🤗🙏🏼

[@Michadoo]

Ladies, as an avoidant woman, LEAVE. Run as fast as you can. Be with a man that is already what you're looking for. Never date potential.❤

[@ram47863]

Why some woman want to love avoidant man when she can choose the secure one

[@AttachmentAdam]

Because some avoidant men are wonderful human beings who can change and reciprocate love once they believe they are loved. Some choose to spend that time investing.

[@kimlarso]

@@AttachmentAdamnever wise to fall for the potential of anyone or anything

[@michaelaozuka5179]

You cannot choose whom you love ! The heart wants what it wants

[@kbc1883]

@@AttachmentAdamSadly many of us have lost huge and important years of our lives trying to be patient and assure an avoidant that they are loved. And in the process, we have lost the precious time when we could have had children and built a family. Men have a lot more flexibility in timing. For us women, it is a much bigger risk to spend our 20’s and 30’s trying to be in relationship with an avoidant man. I’m childless not by choice because I spent too many years thinking my work and adaptation and support and loyalty would make a difference. By the time I left our marriage, it was too late. He, on the other hand, still had time to go start a family if he wanted. I understand that you are supporting the men who are avoidant and that is your niche. And of course they deserve that kind of support. But women should be encouraged to realize the limited time they have and make informed decisions about whether it is wise to try to work with an avoidant.

[@IQ-zt5gd]

Been dealing with an Avoidant, Autistic, ADHD & possibly mentally unstable younger man for almost 6 years! Stepped away multiple times and for 8 months this last time to reset my self esteem. He recently reached out again & I've been changing my approach after working on myself. Obviously guarded after being burned & insulted by his lack of filter many times. It's almost too much to deal with in one man, but we have a strong connection. So giving it one last chance with the goal of marriage (which he knows) or I walk away this time.

[@sisters299]

This is scholarly

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you!

[@gypsygirl.4life]

Thank you for this information. I needed to hear all this so I can help my friendship be stronger. I'm going to take your advice. ✌️💛🦋

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's awesome to hear. sounds like you've got an avoidant friend. Tell me more about them?

[@patty518]

Why would anyone want to do that? The only appropriate response to an avoidant man or woman is to leave them and find someone who can give you the intimacy that a healthy relationship requires.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you believe avoidant people can change and become secure over time?

[@mgn1621]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, but they don’t want to change

[@SacredTree754]

@@mgn1621 Did you do a poll? Or you automatically assume that about ppl you never met?

[@Yaivenov]

All the comments about people leaving their avoident partner just reinforces my thoughts that everyone else is better off without me and my burdens.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, but your struggles don’t make you a burden. I encourage you not to retreat, but to find ways to work through those feelings with support. I can help you with learning how to navigate your own emotions while building healthier patterns with those around you. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail]

[@louisemoulin4704]

Best to stay away from avoidant men. Staying in the carrot game will age a woman and create anxiety. Make a run for it. Classy women don't waste their precious time and beauty on weaklings.

[@KasiuMaG44]

Yes. They also need to do theirs healing work, and develop to actually have a healthy relationship. Otherwise its just a suffer and wast of time. I dont get why Adam is so strongly convincing woman to attend and invest theirs mental+time in such man ..maybe he needs clients to his terapy ^^

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's definitely a good idea to see if the other person is willing to do any work on healing their own challenges before fully investing.

[@juliaarambula3153]

Exactly. It’s not fair a healthy person has to play therapist and be tip toeing around on eggshells. That will cause PTSD.

[@kognitivescientist]

@@KasiuMaG44true, it gives anxiety even if it wasn’t there in the first place. Dangerous game… Or avoidant will eventually trust, or caregiver will break with PTSD

[@loosusan5412]

The best video! I wish I watched this 2 years ago.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad you found it helpful. What would have changed? And remember, it's never too late!

[@melissalopata1141]

I think this works if the avoidant is a good person who legitimately wants to be in a caring relationship. I often feel like “players” act like an avoidant. Is that just a person “acting” like an avoidant or is a “player” a version of an avoidant?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Correct, this approach is for someone who wants to be loved and is able to reciprocate. Players are very avoidant but a more manipulative variant. Watch one of my videos about redpill and you will learn a lot (of awful realizations).

[@tamitaylor6189]

This was great information. The part that got me is when you said I have to do my own attachment work and become secure. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful, you're absolutely welcome! Have you identified your attachment style yet?

[@gehran9080]

I am the avoidant man except I’m a woman, and now apparently I’m a scared cat 😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Fear not, nervous feline 🤣 There are plenty of avoidant women who face similar feelings. Unfortunately most dating advice doesn’t work for them because they’ll operate counter-intuitively due to the avoidance factor. Much of this video should still apply. And make sure you’re working on going from avoidant to secure so you don’t miss the joy of bonding in your relationships.

[@hollybigelow5337]

As an avoidant woman, these videos are SO helpful. I will add that not only am I terrified of being hurt, but I'm also terrified of hurting others. It seems like I do my best over and over and over and over and over again, and yet somehow every time I get close to someone I miss some expectation they have of me that wasn't communicated in a way I could understand it, and I end up hurting them several times without even realizing it, and then when I finally figure it out I feel absolutely terrible, and then I try to talk to the person to try to figure out how we can better communicate in the future so we won't repeat history and I can understand the expectations sooner and pick up why I am not meeting expectations sooner, and when I try to have that conversation I just get accused of making everything up because they say I knew about the expectations and knew I wasn't meeting them, and I am not lying and excusing and defending, not explaining and trying to problem solve. So eventually I give up because I can't be what I can't be. I can't read minds. There are lots of things I can actively do, but I can't meet impossible expectations such as expectations that I will read other peoples' minds. So yes, ultimately I decide I can't be in any relationships. Part of it is because no matter how hard I try I end up getting hurt, but a HUGE part of it for me is also that no matter how hard I try and how many different ways I try to approach it and no matter how much I try to listen and also negotiate in good faith, all I seem to do is ultimately hurt other people, and the closer I let them get to me the worse they get hurt. So I have to protect myself, but I also have to protect them and not be the selfish person who let them get close to me because I was feeling lonely and because I was arrogant enough to believe this time might be different and I might actually have something of value to give to them. Instead, I need to recognize I have a pattern, and the common denominator is me, and if I actually genuinely care about other people I need to suck it up and embrace the loneliness because since I can't help hurting other people the only way I can keep them safe and not hurt them is to not get close to them or let them get close to me in the first place.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like you've had some very challenging experiences in relationships, and your perspective as an avoidant woman is very insightful. The good news is that you can break this cycle. Feel free to reach out to me directly through [e-mail] so we can discuss different helpful approaches in detail. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel understood, respected, and secure. Don't give up on finding that connection.

[@AnitaAlibi]

This sounds like an exhausting amount of unpaid work to invest in someone so resistant

[@Pptsonyt8553]

Amen

[@michelletulumello661]

This!

[@themuse11]

yeah, it's too much.

[@ecrawl4902]

Interesting because that's how I feel toward anxious-types that require constant reassurance that I won't leave them. I think all relationships require some sort of investment, it just depends on how much the individual is willing to give.

[@michelletulumello661]

@ecrawl4902 you need to find the person whose desire to give is the same level as your own. So if it's very little, like maybe you want to see someone like once a week or something- then find someone equally interested in that.

[@Crianzaa]

Wow Im a therapist and this video is GOLD new suscriber here

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much and welcome aboard! Glad to have you join us🙏

[@theJOURNEYTOGODdiaries]

Dear Adam, that was very insightful! Thank you🙏🏻 Can you maybe do a video on the same topic but after marriage and kids? 😄

[@Tnc874]

Sounds like a nightmare

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey, I do have an entire book I wrote on that subject! It's called Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands, and is available on Amazon.

[@jeanetteinthisorn4955]

@@AttachmentAdam I was afraid to give it to my husband to read because I didn't want him to think I had the same thoughts as the opening of the book.

[@AttachmentAdam]

And if anyone out there is avoidantly attached or in a relationship where avoidant attachment is making things feel complicated, send me an email at [e-mail] and I can explain how to resolve that and start bonding with more confidence.

[@sgonzales3998]

Could you please link the biochemistry of avoidant attachment style video that you referenced?

[@EgyptianGoddess]

I’m so happy I found your channel❤ unfortunately I’m anxious 😥 and madly in love with an avoidant and want so badly to love him the way he needs to be loved and want so badly to bring down his walls and get him to trust me and feel safe with me and be his real self ❤wish me luck ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m so glad you found this channel too. Remember, it’s not just about you bringing down his walls-it’s also about him being willing to work through his own fears and meet you halfway. Wishing you so much luck! Stay patient, and take it one step at a time. How have you been managing your own feelings during this process so far?

[@EgyptianGoddess]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you Adam :) wish more people had this calming empathetic way in conversing with others. Things aren’t the best right now. I asked him why he disappeared 4 so long and if he got overwhelmed after we got so close… he says no no and made excuses with work etc… I said that him disappearing for weeks after we get close doesn’t feel good to me and he said sorry… then now disappeared for another week… I’m able to see that it’s not about me so there’s progress with my feelings but it still doesn’t feel good. I’m starting to not see the light at the end of the tunnel and to feel that I will always be treated coldly and be neglected in this relationship and maybe it’s best to find the clarity and acceptance and let him go.

[@tiffany00nelson]

Thank you! I have spent months learning attachment theory.... but these videos are by far the most informative and I can't thank you enough. I just wish I knew how to change his fixed idea of what relationship is. That it is about connection and not age.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Believing that length of time is the only thing that keeps him safe, that's normal for avoidants. I recommend watching this video with him and getting his feedback. See if that helps!

[@christinegasana7743]

How long are we talking about? Months, years?