How To Love An Avoidant Man (PART 2)

Discover the proven methods to deepen your connection with an avoidant man in this second part of the series. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 15 years of experience, I'm here to share insights on building love, understanding avoidant behavior, and creating lasting bonds. Learn how to make yourself irresistible and provide the authentic love that an avoidant man secretly desires.
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith made this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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Chapters:
00:00 Introduction
01:13 Understanding Attachment Theory
02:28 Easing the Pressure
03:56 Clarifying Expectations
06:14 Nurturing Their Need for Space
07:42 Building Lives Outside the Relationship
09:16 Encouraging Open Communication
10:55 Modeling Emotional Sharing
12:57 Healing Avoidant Attachment
15:27 Conclusion
Key Topics:
Authentic love for avoidant men
Attachment theory insights
Strategies to reduce pressure in relationships
Building a life outside the relationship
Effective communication with avoidant partners
Providing comfort and reducing anxiety
The healing process of avoidant attachment
#attachmenttheory #relationshipadvice #emotionalconnection #secureattachment #relationshiphealing #adamlanesmith

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@ozzym6308]

As an avoidant i can confirm this is my preferred method of receiving love

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear I hit the target with this one. Are you working on becoming more secure in your closest relationships?

[@2ndChanceAtLife]

Thank you for the positive comment. I (female) am now 100% sure I scared the CRAP out of a man who is recently divorced and hope/pray this method will help win his trust.

[@BlackNella]

@@AttachmentAdam this is what I wanted to ask as well.

[@absolute3112]

let me ask, what steps are you actively taking to be LESS avoidant?

[@EnlightenmentQueenElisheBA]

Yes this so true about the way you accomplish a relationship with them the avoidant it takes time love and unqiness takeing the pressure away is big 😮 once accomplished they will begin to open up slightly they got to know that they can trust you and you are there to love honor and support them and making them feel love and giving them validation is also key without looking for nothing in return it is hard to do you can truly only deal with them without an agenda it only because you love unconditionally that you are in their life they will never tell you nothing in there heart they must trust first and they like avoiding alot again they got to get use to you

[@kenwyatt44ID]

Hell yes. Avoidants are not bad people. We just need time to ensure that people are in our lives for the right reasons.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. What else do you wish more people knew about avoidants?

[@kenwyatt44ID]

@@AttachmentAdam Avoidance is often a way of not speaking our truth or needs for fear of offending or hurting others. I realize that avoidance hurts people but that is not the intent. It is the opposite on some levels. What is funny about me is that my late wife and an ex girlfriend are even more avoidant than me. Perhaps I enjoy the chase in addition to being able to take space easily.

[@bead_on_demand]

​@@kenwyatt44IDsame. Love the chase l. It's like a scavenger hunt for life. Life stays interesting.

[@marquintawalker7906]

As a formerly avoidant woman in love with an avoidant man I approve this message.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear this relationship pattern quite often, surprisingly. Can you two watch this video together and use it as a conversation starter?

[@marquintawalker7906]

@@AttachmentAdam Will do. Thanks for responding!

[@ralucamera6574]

Most therapists won’t recommend being in a relationship with an avoidant! But thank you for this information. ❤

[@chiquecrafts4350]

This is so true but I never understood why they don't. I am an anxious preoccupied and I started my healing journey about 8 years ago. I have attracted mainly avoidant partner. So it was very difficult learning how to have a relationship with an attachment style totally opposite to mine. This video has a lot of valuable tips.

[@KeiyaHood]

I am in therapy and I think they therapists won’t make money if they just told you what this gentleman did. I have been going through this my whole life. I’m 50 years old and I get it. I hope to help younger women figure this out so they won’t suffer like I have. Always believing men are “bad”. Men go through a lot and don’t have much advocacy. I love my avoidant and I felt secure and I recognize sometimes I am needy. Not always. That neediness and desire to be needed causes problems because we don’t understand why a kind person appears repulsive. It’s like overwatering a plant. You must have balance and know what each individual plant needs or you can kill it. Best of luck to you. ❤

[@ellebelle3812]

There is a very very good reason why they don’t. And it’s called your own safety and mental health.

[@miriamb2367]

@@KeiyaHood Actually, therapists make a lot of money from people who chase partners who can't connect with them, just as this gentleman recommends. If you would be a in a secure relationship and happy about all, you wouldn't pay for therapy for watch this guy's videos.

[@TheReagDawg]

It seems like at times you can’t do this without denying your own needs

[@innan.599]

Actually its all the time

[@jasonguthrie730]

And then vice versa.

[@KiaDragon]

Then don't. Go be with someone else. If it's not worth it, we will sense it.

[@HeartBrokenRampage]

I feel like this too just from listening to this video... but I am an anxiously attached person, perhaps it feels this way because pur thoughts are so rigid if they loved me they would do this for me.... but what if they can't and it is up to us who feel this to realize it's not on purpose.

[@maximelachapelle5231]

You give me hope ​@@HeartBrokenRampage

[@Badmomsclub]

I have an avoidant love and he has taught me so much about how anxious I was, I’ve studied and learned more about myself and how to approach him with respect and understanding of what we both need and deserve!❤❤❤ attachment theory is a godsend

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear you're feeling more secure! Is he also working on becoming more secure so you can share the best love together?

[@Badmomsclub]

@@AttachmentAdam I do occasionally discuss things I’ve learned about myself. And will ask him if he’s ever thought about learning about his own attachments?? He’s not there yet.❤. He says “I don’t have any problems that I need to figure out “ but he is listening and I see that he’s curious

[@marialazaridou7924]

Thank you so much.I ve been with an avoidant for 2.5 years and I see him changing step by step.I love him so much.And I found that being with him (after being married and divorced to a narcissist..) was healing for me as I learned to have a life outside of him...and I worked my co dependent way of relationship.Sometimes I feel very confused for how I should treat him but you really helped me to see that i do right...

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you both have some work to do, and you're both trying together! If you want some help and resources to love each other more securely, send me an email at [e-mail] and I can share, I'll answer personally

[@moorlivingholistic]

Oh god. This is the ride I'm currently on. Lord give me strength ❤ I do love my avoidant very much though 😊

[@user-wz7is4os9c]

This is exactly what I need! I am madly in love with my avoidant! I do some of these things but you helped me to see a blind spot. Thank you so very much

[@AttachmentAdam]

Can you watch this video with him and start a conversation about how to love each other better?

[@peachwedding]

If you want to love an avoidant man as anxious attacher or even someone secure, you have to have endless empathy, understanding and patience. Expecting to be loved the way you desire by an avoidant is an exercise in futility. Spare yourself the heartache and try to find someone secure.

[@kimwells2369]

Well said

[@bead_on_demand]

Dealing with an Avoidant partner is like a scavenger hunt.( In a marriage)Not everyone likes games. Some people just love the process of getting close to someone.

[@astudent8885]

Basically, loving an insecure man will need you to be extra secure and understanding.

[@AttachmentAdam]

To show him love is possible, yes. And then doing attachment work together, smart move!

[@HippieZippy]

Then you will become anxious due to their insecurity. They'll then claim that you smother them and that they need space! It's a nonsense!

[@HippieZippy]

​@@AttachmentAdamNo, wrong!

[@marrx3884]

True but the man still needs to let us in. Mine thinks im too good for him and the timing is bad etc.

[@loving0u]

Exactly! Why to walk the blade, if you want just to have happy easy relationships ❤

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

I love your warmth of compassion as you speak about avoidants. This resonates so much with how I feel.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! It means a lot to hear that it resonates with you.

[@megriley9841]

As an avoidant woman I can definitely give a hell yes!!! This is true for both men and women ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback!

[@patticakes789]

I’ve done this instinctively with one and it worked - it’s not just useful in romantic attachment- it works in others as well - my step daughter for example. It takes patience and time. I describe it as sitting very very still and letting a wild animal feel safe to approach. Giving without expectation is essential. It requires good self care and not giving more than appropriate. But offering love and care without expectation and demands takes pressure away and creates safety. Even more important is consistency and predictability. Don’t give something one day and take it away the next. Just be there and be predictable. Go about your own life while leaving the door open for them to join should they choose. It works but it’s not something accomplished quickly. Expect it to take years, not months.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're right, this works with most avoidant relationships. Honesty, transparency, and fairness is what they're looking for. As for it taking years, that can happen if you don't build the experiences and move things along. There are definitely ways to speed it up (if the avoidant is open to this).

[@AttachmentAdam]

I wrote a blog post on how to build a relationship with an avoidant person and I believe you'll enjoy it, you can find it here: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@Helium333-pj2jt]

So true. It takes years. And playing games like 'hard to get' or jealousy-making really backfires. Even though some videos advise you to be aloof/ mirror them, it won't work. Just be true to yourself and make it clear you are there and can provide a lovely experience, and remain consistent or they will not trust you at all.

[@sirenachantal471]

This works for women too. I never thought I could be loved this way and have been crying for the past few days. I expect anger, punishment, and to be left behind. He consistently and lovingly shows up. It blows me away. He will always have a huge place in my heart.

[@realprimeart]

I do hope you reciprocate the same level of love towards him.

[@mitchhurd6492]

Hell yeah! I recently got married and I'm sending these to my wife because I absolutely think this is the way. She already does a lot of these things but sometimes externalizing a strategy is key to affirming it and remembering it as an effective method that can be used again and again. Thank you, Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Fantastic, love that! Best of luck and if you ever need more guidance don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@starlinglime7983]

I just left my avoidant because I don’t have time for all that. I gave him all the space and it still wasn’t enough. I can’t be in a relationship alone.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sounds like he was not reciprocating, which is a huge part of building a relationship. You can't invest in a black hole.

[@rachelross5829]

We have to distinguish if we are just not the one or are they an " avoidant". I'm just not the one for him but just listening to this for information. Life is def to short to be in a one sided relationship that's for sure . I don't want anything that's not meant for me anyway. The universe/ creator loves to bless and give me it's just there for the taking. Timing is key too. As I listen it may be that I'm actually an avoidant 😂 Time alone is very very important to me! Men tend to want to smother

[@mariacaballero2653]

That's exactly why I left. Even with me contorting myself to make sure his needs were met (all the space one gives before one starts feeling like they may as well be single, facing life solo) I've never felt seen, appreciated, heard or genuinely loved by him. @AttachmentAdam

[@projekt5fit405]

Ok here is the deal . We are all humans and need to feel seen loved and heard . To understand ourselves love ourselves first is primary . True we need massive empathy to be with an avoidant . However as an attached avoidant this course helped me heal first the clarify my best way forward without hate of resentment. It’s like having a person rob a bank that is deranged . What they did was wrong . We can empathize and hope that while in jail they get the help they need . But ultimately they too need to be loved. I know some think this is lame . But it’s all about the love bandwidth . Too each his or her own .

[@verb0ze]

I think Adam should do a vid on how avoidants should respond to this and show they are receiving their partners' effort and reciprocating. This otherwise becomes a one way relationship, with the secure person continuously chasing, and they'll eventually tap out, leaving the avoidant to believe it was too good to be true anyways. But honestly, 99.99% of these issues are solved of partners just learn how to check-in with each other, and calibrate little by little. Trust in the intention of the other, and believe they trust in your intentions, then the rest is simply calibrating. Sometimes we make things a bit more complicated than they need to be.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I agree, avoidant partners also need to be doing their work to develop a more secure attachment to the partner who is faithfully meeting their needs. It's about learning to trust and honor each other in a mutual relationship. A lot of the avoidant men who enter my coaching program never learned how to do that as kids, but learning it as an adult helps them build the fulfilling relationships they've been looking for.

[@zagreusnyx360]

​@@AttachmentAdam I know this is a weird, hidden-away spot to leave this comment, but. I'm an avoidant man who just ended a relationship with an anxious woman, and our original relationship issues, which long since spiraled out of control and far beyond the point of absurdity, stemmed from the issues of the entire attachment style divide we've faced. I felt crowded, so I pulled away, so she chased me... You know the drill better than anyone. While that relationship, what once was, lies forever shattered, she's still asking me if we can try again. And, while I'm keeping her at arm's length and forcing our connection to remain purely platonic for now, due to all that we've done to hurt each other... I still do love her, and wish we'd never fallen apart. I'm not opposed to trying again, once we've sorted through the rubble, healed the big wounds, and started over from scratch. I wasn't looking for ways to do that until I tripped and fell face-first into the previous video in this series. I've sent her both parts of this series, as this is the sort of information I was never able to put into words, what I needed. I've learned a lot about myself over the last month, and can't put it into better words than you have. But, I would like to personally second the motion to request a third part, on how to respond to this, as... Honestly, I have no idea how I would act, if I actually received this kind of secure and understanding love. I feel like it would create a bigger other-shoe-still-to-drop feeling than it should, as someone with a lot of trauma from narcissistic parents, who neglected me and used me as the "problem child" example for my siblings. So, I would be very eager to watch a video detailing examples of how an avoidant might want to react, to these sorts of gestures of connection, because that... Feels a little too much like an unclear expectation, lol. You've put everything else into words far better than I ever imagined, so I hope you can give us all some insightful pointers on how to respond to love like you've described here. If I really can convince her to put in the work I would need her to put in if we get back together, I don't want her to feel neglected or left out just because I... Have no idea what I'm doing, because I never thought I'd make it that far. Thank you, so much, for all the ways you've helped, both me and the countless others you've supported, and shown how to heal and grow. You're truly a blessing of gentle rain in this desolate wasteland of arid ones and zeros. Hell yeah~!

[@NickyVerd1]

@@AttachmentAdam Yes, I absolutely agree. There are no videos/content on the internet on how avoidants can heal themselves. There is way too much content on how to interact with avoidant people but it seems like avoidant people don't have any responsibilities or accountability toward their love interest. I've been interacting with an avoidant man (long distance) for 3 years now. I can say I've done most (75%) of what is recommended in part 1 and 2 of this video... been patient, vulnerable and understanding but he remains impenetrable. It's almost like I have zero effect on him.... yet he acts like we're in a romantic relationship but keeps insisting we're only friends. If I start acting like a "girlfriend" flirting and stuff... then he withdraws and leaves me hanging. Half the time, he treats me like a virus he doesn't want to contaminate himself with... then suddenly boom out of no way, he'll send me really -really expensive gifts - then goes back to his shelf. Phone calls are almost non-existent (once or twice a year)...text messages are a few times per month... yet he says I'm the closest person(friend) in his life. I'm left on read half the time... he doesn't respond to text messages. Even if I notice he accomplished something and give him a compliment - he won't acknowledge the compliment. I sent him a birthday gift and he got really angry about it... I didn't even know people like this existed till I met this guy. He is not an evil person just strange. I recently asked him if we could talk on the phone at least once a week... and he has disappeared on me since then - will probably come back after a couple of months like he usually does - or maybe not...

[@r_and_a]

​@@NickyVerd1sorry for your experience 💜 fwiw, your conclusion is inaccurate. the "personal development school" has tons of videos, classes, coaches (including former DAs), etc on *all* attachment styles & how to work on healing ourselves - "dismissive avoidants" *actually* have the *highest* completion rate of *all* attachment styles there

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Nicky, glad to connect. I hear you, most people who talk about attachment aren’t able to show how to fix it. Especially for avoidant people. I’ve got a ton of resources to help them become secure and you’ll be happy to know many do come into my DMs and emails asking for assistance to turn secure! As for your situation it sounds like pushing for your needs to be met might be the right move. If he’s not willing, you’ll have your answer and can move to someone who’s happy to meet your needs. You can’t wait forever if someone refuses. I’m here to help so you’re welcome to email me if you need guidance. [e-mail]. Let me know how I can help!

[@user-qc3tm2pv9q]

DO NOT deal at all with avoidant types. You are not therapists, teachers, parents to them. Invest your time, energy, effort into YOURSELF. Not into healing a total stranger whom someone traumatised.

[@jonathansomerby]

Hell Yeah!!! you have made a grown man cry. i had no idea this was possible and had given up on love. now i understand how to love and be loved. thank you

[@rynfiaryn]

The scared cat analogy is amazing to me because as a cat rescuer for many years, I actually already made the connection between the guy I love and an unsocialized, semi-feral cat. I've been trying to think of him in the same way I think of them. I love my semi-ferals, but I know they need their space. I don't need them to let me pet them and love on them. I just like to watch them being cats, living their lives, and over time, they trust me a little more and like my attention as long as I don't force it and let them go when they want. People are a little different because they have the ability to recognize and change their own behaviors, unlike cats, but with my guy, I'm giving him big space right now while remaining his friend (his choice) and hoping that he comes around eventually. If not, it's ok, but I have a little hope because he finally started talking directly to me when we're with our other friends again (I haven't pushed him to do so). I know he felt insanely guilty (because he told me so at the time) when I offered him a break and he accepted it. I know he was on the verge of running and I think I caught him just in time to stop a full disconnect. I think because I have always been the avoidant one in previous relationships, I understand him more. This time, I made a conscious decision to not behave avoidantly and did a lot of personal work, only to discover that HE was also avoidant. It did make me flip to anxious for a while because it was a completely new dynamic, which probably scared him a little, but once I realized what was happening thanks to learning about attachment theory, I was able to reset my thinking and feel much more secure. I just hope that he will listen and learn about all of this himself if he does come back to me in a romantic way. I know I will need to continue working on myself, too.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This sounds like a lot of work, and like you really care about him. If you want some help on your side of the attachment challenge you're welcome to email me at [e-mail] and we can talk about how to get you the support needed to make sure you are where you want to be.

[@debbyvergoossen7610]

How is it going now?

[@rynfiaryn]

@debbyvergoossen7610 Well, after about 3 months, I asked to check in with him, and he agreed to talk, but then no showed... I ended up having a pretty bad period of anxiety and depression as he continued to just act like I barely existed, and I told him if he couldn't talk to me at all, it was over. He apologized but told me I should go if that's what would make me happy. Then, I separated myself for about a month before making contact again. Currently, we are just friends and are cool with each other, but I have no intentions of getting back together with him. I still get sad over it not working out, but unless he does a lot of work on himself, it just isn't gonna happen. In the end, I think I just took it more seriously than he did. I still think he's a good person, he just needs to learn how to be a good boyfriend.

[@kimwells2369]

I firmly believe an avoidant can turn a secure attachment style into an anxious one. I was never this way until i met this man who has broken my heart over and over 💔 damaged and anxious. But I'm not going to give up on myself and becoming secure again!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing and well said! It sounds like you've been through a lot. Keep fighting and if you ever need guidance along the way don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@WahkeenaSitka]

I tried to do literally every single one of these things and intuitively followed all of these suggestions, and tried to work through disagreements in a good way - AND HE STILL SABOTAGED & DESTROYED THE RELATIONSHIP. I tried to coax this scared kitty to bond with me through so much patience and kindness and love, and it just broke my heart into a gazillion tiny shards of dust.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking. Sometimes people just aren't ready or willing to put in the work for a healthy relationship, no matter how much you try. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. What did you learn about yourself and your needs in a relationship from this experience?

[@chasitydeanna4861]

Hell yeah, I love my avoidant man ❤ He’s grown so much emotionally!

[@kaitlin8669]

I asked my DA how much time he wanted. He said once a week. I followed up later seeing if he wanted more or less time. It turns out he only wanted once a month. So I bought a ton of video games and signed up for classes. 6 months later, no change. I couldn't keep on seeing someone only 2 hours a month or less when I was starting to get other offers. It didn't work for me.

[@innan.599]

I seen mine 7 times withinh 18 months. He lives an hour away 😂 i just can laugh at my self smh

[@marzipanmango]

My guy is somewhat avoidant and very stoic and introverted. The first year or so was difficult for him (he later revealed) even though we only saw each other for 5ish hours once or twice a week. But he eventually got used to me I guess 😅 He doesn't mind spending lots of time with me now (3 years in), and I think the change happened around the time he first said he loved me (1 year). It's funny because I remember saying to my mom before this that it's kind of like he's a deer in the woods that I don't want to spook 😂 Anyways I wouldn't be able to tolerate only seeing someone once a month so I totally understand breaking up with him. You were being exceptionally patient and gentle with him, but at a certain point you gotta ask yourself if you're happy with how things are.

[@randideelancaster9904]

They are selfish, they expect us to sit around waiting for them as we grow old and never getting love we need, our suffering is their happiness, f that

[@DF0011-]

The best way to love an avoidant man is to love yourself first and then wonder:”Do I want to be with someone who will never understand my emotional needs for the rest of my life? And if yes, how long time can it last?”

[@AttachmentAdam]

Do you think there's ever a situation where a person might choose to overcome avoidance and become a more fulfilling partner, or is it always doomed?

[@DF0011-]

@@AttachmentAdam If he is working on him/herself, you are in a good spot. Just know that it’s a new personality developing. The older the person is, the longer it takes.

[@mayohsetsuna]

Anxious with an Avoidant dynamic! Two years in and I feel like I’ve finally proved I’m not just out to smother him. It took a LOT of work, and really felt similar to training my cats or my bird - meaning that it took a HELLUVA lot of patience and love to get where we are. But I think it’s the most rewarding type of love there is.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear that your effort is paying off! Is he also working to become more secure and reciprocate that love with you?

[@mayohsetsuna]

@@AttachmentAdam I’d like to think so! We both are divorcee’s and are both coming at a “how can we make this work” stance. He says he’s learned to ask/say what he wants more firmly. We do relationship check-ins every now and then. I drilled him on remembering my birthday because that was important to me! And he isnt a texter, but makes an effort to send me a daily text because he knows its also important to me. We make love compromises all the time. Sofar so good!

[@ruksanabegum3035]

That’s great! I need to do what you’ve done!

[@HippieZippy]

The fact that you had to 'prove ' anything is in my humble opinion problematic! If they can't accept you for who you are then....I'm sorry, no thank you. It's all just one sided in my opinion. And perhaps it worked for you, but many people leave relationships with avoidants absolutely damaged and full of anxiety. It's simply not worth the hassle in my opinion.

[@HippieZippy]

​@@ruksanabegum3035You're wasting your time!

[@meganpittman0615]

As a healing FA, I have tried so many of these with a SEVERE DA and it might work for a split second but you aren’t going to heal them, only doing the work themselves is going to do that. The level of severity of their insecure attachment will determine where you can meet them. Healthy relationships aren’t built on manipulating, inauthenticity, tip toeing or walking on egg shells around someone’s deep rooted traumas and insecurities, all it does is create more unnecessary work for you to try with someone who isn’t or can’t meet you where you are. If you want to be truly happy, find someone who is on your level and has the self awareness of their blind spots and ability to self reflect which is something DAs don’t have.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Agreed that severe cases where the person does not actually want to improve their own attachment will likely lead to unhappiness. This approach is not to be used with avoidant people who steadfastly refuse to ever open up or do their own self-improvement work. Make sure both sides are working toward a more secure relationship!

[@silviamateevaloveintimacy6591]

I personally believe that the people we develop deep feelings for, always meet us EXACTLY where we are. It's not by chance we develop feelings and attraction for them. Instead of always believing we are way ahead of them, this should always be used to gain some information about ourselves. Are we really so secure, open, ready as we believe?

[@projekt5fit405]

@@AttachmentAdamagreed 100%. We must work on ourselves when while using adam’s tools . If the avoidant literally avoids us and refuses to open up then seek another pasture . However some severe cases can have a miracle . Love and the desire to be loved by your ride or die is incredibly powerful. LOVE can change and heal !!! It’s powerful

[@mtclauraamaral2201]

Honesty, transparency and fairness seems like the right way to go about life in general. Something is wrong if you don't treat your relationships that way, regardless of attachment style.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Correct, this is a secure approach that invites them to also be secure!

[@KeiyaHood]

I believe most people manipulate and that’s the problem. We should just let people be themselves.

[@jolicoeur007]

Hell ya! Thanks Adam. As an avoidant, I approve this message.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback! Glad to hear we got it right.

[@mannylee1570]

HELL YEAH!! I'm an avoidant partner and these things I've always felt I needed it. It may haven't been that clear for me or easy to express but deep down, this is what I wanted all along. I've been married for 10 years to my anxiously attached wife and we just recently started to learn about attachment theory. We are starting to see and understand each other better. Thank you for your content!!!! I just recently found your page and it's been a great help in understanding myself on a deeper level. This is definitely the longest comment I've ever written, I avoid the comments lol

[@mystik.mermayde.aotearoa]

😂

[@Radharani-jl7vk]

Being married to avoidant thought me how to become secure attached but it was painful. Not rushing into breaking a relationship but firm that he has to make an endeavour to grow up. Everyone has traumas and everyone has to work on them themselves. I can give support but he has to do it himself. If one is not aware of his condition, hmmm it may be just a waste of time.

[@miagardiner]

For those who think this is unreasonable to expect of a women or women like that don’t exist, I am such a woman and it is actually easy to provide this kind of love. It’s easy for women who value themselves enough to appreciate their own space to fulfill some of their own needs. It’s a win- win for me and the key is in communicating carefully and openly and knowing when appropriate. Sometimes it’s more appropriate to pull back and manage my relationship with myself- not every feeling stimulated by the relationship needs to be put on him. Some conversations have to be had even if they’re challenging too. I’m not abandoning myself just looking after my feelings first and then sharing in a way that considers his needs too. Thanks Adam, this is awesome!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for the feedback and honesty here. I'm glad those who are wondering if this is possible can see this model of it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I know you'll appreciate this blog post I wrote on sharing love with an avoidant person: adamlanesmith.com/love-avoidant-man-adam-lane-smith-guide/

[@maureengriffin7448]

Thank you for that comment

[@jillworthington5503]

Perfect! Yes I completely agree! This situation for me has been one of the biggest blessing ever and it’s healed me and I love my life and I have peace and appreciate. I’m so thankful I met him!!!! We aren’t together as he pulls away a lot but he know I love him and it’s okay with me as I recognise I’m all good and complete. 🙏🙏

[@spalmer1773]

HELL YEAH! I'm so happy that I stumbled onto your message. I feel like I'm losing him because of the pain he's endured from past relationships. I'm an Anxious Avoidant woman myself. I thought I took the time to heal from my past relationships until we moved together and I noticed that he was avoidant at times which made me anxious. I started doing my research to figure out what he was going through because he totally seems to be in love and mentioned several times that he sees a future clearly. My anxiousness started giving him the blocks he needed to build up walls. Bottom line THANK YOU for helping me learn to love him while being a safe place for him which has calmed me tremendously. 💯😊

[@dukeonosdaniel7880]

Hell yeah I’ll feel loved

[@perrizepeda9638]

Hell yeah! Be peace. Listen. Share. Be Light and Love. Sacred Safe Space.

[@betsymorgan9438]

Hell yes! You have helped me so much in understanding my avoidant fiance! You saved our relationship!

[@SpringHWhipple]

I mentioned on your other video how I'm dating a man who's avoidant. I'm not chasing him, giving him his space, acknowledged his fear is losing his independence and his time with his friends. I've bought him gifts and told him no expectations, just because I thought he'd like them. We've been dating 7.5 months. I think I'm being very patient. I'm hoping your advice works.

[@joydwillettilluminatinginn6011]

I have tears hearing that I might be the first person to show them real love. Wow. Thank you 🙏🏼 Adam. ❤

[@keshiaanjani2305]

As someone who has been loving an avoidant man for years, it gets pretty exhausting. A part of me wishes I could walk away but can't. I love him with every fibre of my being. But I also feel like I'm wasting my time, love, energy. I have chosen him, purposefully, never pressuring him to change or be perfect or ideal; forgiving whatever his past mistakes might be; loving him unconditionally; and giving him assurance that I love him time and time again. Buy despite all of that he hasn't chosen me; he's always been too afraid to commit.

[@sj3969]

Walk away. He won’t change. Save yourself 😊

[@unknownusers5363]

He sounds like a smart man! 😂

[@keshiaanjani2305]

@@unknownusers5363 yes, and I'm the one with incurable dumbness. *Sigh* 💔

[@keshiaanjani2305]

@@sj3969 they say that love has a way of changing people. Am I a fool for sticking around hoping that a miracle might someday happen?? And that he will one day step up to be the man I need him to be?

[@kristidin1983]

In answer to your question to the other guy. Change your strategy. Do your own work. It will cause change whether you mean to or not. Knowledge is power. Take care of you. He'll notice.

[@Kmm997]

Avoidant woman here: he’s absolutely right in every thing he said. 😭

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate your feedback, I'm happy to hear that this resonates. Which part of this resonated the most?

[@user-wz7is4os9c]

Every time I watch this video I get tears in my eyes. I just feel like hugging my FA… I hope he will one day get the courage to ask me out… we’re just friends now. ❤😢😊

[@petyavelikova5066]

Well, I was clear about my expectations, no marriage at 45 y.o. , not living together, visiting each other and going on holidays etc, and as was important for me all I insisted on was daily text or call for a few minutes usually in the evening...and for 9 years it was push, pull, ignored for months like 6 months at a time, I dont even fathom how one even has the audacity to contact someone after 6 months not even knowing if the other person is even still alive. While in these 9 years not only I wents through 4 surgical procedures, 2 covids and the death of my mother and not only he was not anywhere to be seen but when finally crawls from whenever all I hear is we are not suppose to burden each other with our problems. In the end I just was so tired I got out. No contact, didnt even bother blocking him, he was that dead to me. My love just disappered suddenly like a rain that just stopped and to this very day 3 years later is sending me messages and calls like insane. And I feel like nothing, just a nuissance from some past life. Even I cannot recognise myself.

[@kb-ni5ug]

huuuuuugs

[@user-ox9rg9is3r]

Sorry you went through this

[@Sandra.B]

I wonder why you watching this video then ..

[@lyana_carol]

This doesn't sound like an avoidant in a relationship but as an MPI guy (minimum possible investment)

[@M_butterfly788.-tf8bd]

Wow that guy is a piece of shit. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[@projekt5fit405]

Hell yea !!!! Freaking amazing !!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate your feedback! Which part resonated the most?

[@motivationenthalpy9665]

Hell yeah. Thanks Adam. You’re spot on.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this one resonated. Is this your relationship pattern?

[@Mellowmichelle]

Becoming your own person doing your own life will make you a secure attachment and then you will see everything more clearly and that’s when you will leave the avoidant because secure people don’t want to be with insecure people

[@notzainy2633]

This makes so much sense, and I love how you feel for avoidant people as much as I do. I didn't even know I was anxiously preoccupied till I dated an avoidant and I then realized that everyone loves differently and feels it differently too. We are the exact opposite of each other and it is crazy to me cause I never saw myself falling for someone quite different from me but it happened, and I learned to observe him and realized that he needed his space, I understood that and I gave him that and I enjoyed it because I felt like I was helping even though it kinda hurt doing it sometimes. Every time it hurt I used to comfort myself by meditating and observing my emotions and giving myself what I felt as though I lacked. I was always texting first because I felt like if I didn't then I would never hear from him again but one day I got mad at myself for being scared and just stopped texting, it went on for what felt like five weeks and I went within( did some self-introspection)to try to figure out why I was scared and I tried to give myself love and attention that I kept seeking externally, it wasn't easy this time because I felt a lot of emotions(sadness, anger...) and a lot was going through my mind like i was really overthinking that maybe he likes someone else and ye fast forward i blocked him, cause I was mad and didn't wanna talk to him anymore💀Now I feel like maybe he needed some time alone cause maybe I scared him ion know, wasn't my intention tho. He has triggered growth in me and I love it cause I love evolving as a person which makes me feel so much gratitude ye it was really depressing but now I'm getting better, I feel peaceful and my relationship with myself keeps growing. I'm learning how to become secure even though it's hard. it's not my fault I'm anxious and it is not his fault he is avoidant, but it definitely our responsibility to help ourselves heal and become better, for ourselves, the people around us, and the people who love us. I wanna study psychology to help people with insecure attachment styles heal ,but if i cant help myself then how am i gonna help other people.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Someone who says the things you’re suggesting would not want to deal with an avoidant, they would want someone secure as well (I’m an avoidant)

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's often the case, but some avoidant people are wonderful and just scared. If they open up, they can become some of the most loving people.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

What if the avoidant is the person they really love?

[@lyana_carol]

I agree. If someone has gone through all the work to reach secure attainment (or was raised secure), would they really choose an avoidant? Seems unlikely. I am a fearful avoidant and I keep choosing dismissive avoidants - a sign of my own insecure attachment style.

[@kasiakasjako8493]

Relationship with such man is like parenting him, it can easly turne to mothering him. And often they need space to cheat, and theis lack of comunication skills always leave woman wondering, and thats highway to triggering insecurity.

[@AttachmentAdam]

There are certainly some avoidant men who act selfishly and in bad faith. It's good to make sure they are also going to do their own healing work.

[@eliprenten7066]

Hell yeah! Just need a partner to have the skill to remain calm even when things are not working out as they expected it to. Be our safe person so we dare to further commit instead of having to force it. What wasn’t mentioned but is very important to me: don’t be hypocritical about your needs not being met. Don’t blame and shame us for the things you do yourself. That’s a massive breach in our trust. It’s unfair and shows there’s no possible way to fix this in a mutual understanding manner

[@DA_youtub3]

I'm not here to pressure you. I'm not here to trap you or to take away your freedom.. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to love you. If you choose to be with me, I can let you know about some of my expectations. At this stage, all I expect from you is we talk once-2 times a week. When you need time alone, you can simply ask for time alone. It's good to have time alone. I want to meet your needs, and I can let you know some of my needs. Here's a challenge I'm facing , thanks for listening. I'd love to hear from you, that would mean a lot to me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

These sound like very clear ways to share needs. Are you in a relationship with an avoidant man now?

[@beforetherainbow355]

I have recently fallen in love with an avoidant, and I am an anxious. He told me today that this is becoming more trouble than he needs. I think he’s blocked me now, and I decided not to bother him…… but I am very hurt right now even as I learn more, because I love him so much and now I feel like I’ve ruined something that was beautiful.

[@sflo4538]

The problem is getting a relationship with an avoidant. They usually are relationship avoidant, too.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This can be true as well. They should be working to heal that part of themselves.

[@chakrabartidola]

Most of the avoidants do not listen anything. Whatever comforting things we can say....We are just trying to be patient and well behaved with bunch of manipulators.

[@brooklynnmcloud1470]

And when does the other party get their needs met?

[@AttachmentAdam]

That is an excellent question to discuss inside the relationship to make sure both partners are engaged in a mutually fulfilling relationship.

[@brooklynnmcloud1470]

@@AttachmentAdam I’ve just never seen it work out that way. The anxious partner always gives more and accepts less for the relationship to work.

[@builderofcastles]

@@brooklynnmcloud1470 With an avoidant attachment style person, you must discuss what you feel will make you feel loved. Because, they are not mind readers, and even if they could, they have no idea what love looks like. So, you have to go THAT far, in talking about what you would like.

[@waterlilynymph]

Intuitively I have done this with a guy that I love so much and he says he loves me, but he is very avoidant because we are long distance right now. He doesn’t want to lose me I know, so I show him love by giving him time and space, and IF I ever freak out and question him and ask for more than he can give-I apologize and recognize when I am being needy and he always comes back next or two days later to talk. This relationship with this avoidant man as an anxious attached is making me learn how to focus on myself, take accountability when I am being too needy of love outside of myself, and ultimately making me more secure now. I love him, and do hope we will one day close the gap, but Adam you are so right and I have seen it happen for myself. He told me just two weeks ago he thinks I am the most amazing woman in the world and can’t wait to marry me one day now because I showed him I loved him in his own avoidant language.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This sounds like a really hard situation, and I'm sorry you're facing it. I hope that he's also working diligently to fix his avoidant behavior so you two can both get what you need. Can you share this video with him as a conversation starter and use it to start building a more secure connection?

[@EnlightenmentQueenElisheBA]

Yes stay strong if he say he love you he do just give him more time all that he needs just don't make him to scared nice and slow is the key

[@srijitachakrabarty]

Cannot agree more!

[@lindasmith5063]

Thank you for sharing this!! I am exactly in the same type of relationship with an Avoidant Man Long Distance. The videos and remarks like Yours has helped Dramatically!!! Thank you SO much!! ❤❤❤

[@lindasmith5063]

​@@IMANESAMMAN You don't know our situation to be giving that sort of advice. ❤

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

Happy u came up in my feed! Tysm! Questions: 1) Some of us involved with avoidants are secure, not anxious. 2) My DA will keep out of touch for weeks, not days, if I don’t initiate contact. 3) How do we get them to open up, tell us what happened in their past?? I tried gently and lovingly. . So far no dice. 😢

[@laurieparis2203]

Great advice and even better delivery. You had me laughing thru out! 😊

[@womanhoodisnotacostume7648]

This really is the most simplify way to explain the whole situation here. Thank you for your wisdom! Hell Yea!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! Sounds like you're looking for the kind of relationship I described in this video!

[@AlexLangley88]

You are helping me understand one of my dearest friends. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad and happy to help!

[@amyhines0953]

Gosh I am so happy I found your channel!! 🙌🏻✍️

[@Cmartgeek]

The scared cat analogy is perfect! I literally had a cat like that and when he felt safe, he was so loving. Here’s hoping my husband sees my tries to stop hurting him and instead to be an ally for him.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

Wow! Common sense, insight, and logic with humor! Tysm!

[@salliecuthbert]

Thank you Adam this is spot on ! Great advice.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful!

[@deannadivine1717]

I love this so much! This nails it! Thank you so much.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're so welcome! And thanks for the feedback here!

[@matthewnorris203]

Anxious and avoidant attachment are both just anxiety played out in 2 different ways. Once a person recognizes their own anxiety, things can move forward if they want to learn to calm themselves.

[@alexalmes]

Hell yeah!🎉 Thank you so much!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for the feedback!

[@jennyalammary3386]

Very helpful thank you

[@Pheonix1111]

Although I have disorganized attachment style, I lean more so on my avoidant side. I have always naturally treated everyone in the manner you described in this video & also in your part one video on this topic. Essentially, I treat everyone in the way I wish people would treat me. So I definitely approve of these messages in part 1 & 2. By the way Adam, I have always genuinely loved your sense of humour, because you help reduce people’s stress levels on a very stressful, painful part of our lives. I genuinely appreciate your sense of humour.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks Phoenix, you've been a great support for my channel and I appreciate you. Glad to hear this was helpful to you. Keep learning and growing so you can find the love I know you're looking for.

[@lisaanderson1146]

Most helpful vid!❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful!

[@kv_5238]

It’s interesting that as an avoidant woman all of these things also apply to me

[@AttachmentAdam]

You definitely need to watch my "Avoidant Woman" episode then.

[@miyawinn623]

Thank you very much for this video 🙏🏽

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad this was valuable to you!

[@katarzynab.5210]

Adam it’s really on point! I love it. Thank you. I’m a lady with mixed attachment style

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome! Glad to hear this was valuable to you. Are you doing work on fixing that attachment style to become more secure? It makes relationships so much more relaxing.

[@miyabiparis]

As an avoidant woman, it`s spot on too. But most men just drop it or some crazy guys stalk me around.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Avoidant women have a rough time of this, and conventional wisdom will be almost useless to you. Unfortunately you're mostly going to attract anxious nice guys. Make sure you do your work on resolving that avoidance so you can connect with more secure guys - that will stop them from smothering you.

[@dieselsince88]

Hell yeah! Thanks for the hope.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Always! 🙏✨

[@marcus716]

6:40 so true!!!!!!! people take everything personally and end up being passive aggressive -_-

[@linwelch9307]

Thank you for these practical tools. Bless you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Couples need to know how to love each other! Let me know if you need more guidance on this, I'm here to help.

[@Psykoged]

The last relationship I had, I used that exact metaphor for myself; a cat. It takes often unprecedented patience to love an avoidant man for anxiously attached women, or so it seems, but it also seems we can teach other some truly beautiful lessons, if we can learn each other's language before disaster strikes. So in short: hell yeah, Adam, spot on. Almost like you're in my brain.

[@r_and_a]

i'm an FA & when 1st met the DA i'm in love with was very into my anxious side which was one reason we stopped talking after 6mo 🤪 when we reconnected 18mo later i leaned *very* heavily into my DA side for about 3yrs of our kind of on/off again ldr before discovered attachment theory though we'd grown a fair bit over that time, learning more about DAs this last year has been quite transformational for our relationship & each other i personally find often avoidants get too much blame & not enough credit regarding their contribution to relationship dynamics *absolutely* agree there are *incredible* lessons & benefits for *all* when it comes to relationships with DAs 💖 thanks for sharing your perspective!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this one hit the mark! And thank you for validating this info for the other people who wonder if it's true.

[@joansandeen9443]

Thank you, Adam. More perfect advice, just what I needed ftom an anxious preoccupied attachment style. 👍👍👍👍👍👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Perfect! Glad it was helpful!👍👍

[@onikoroisamanunu4911]

Its very fantastic, valuable info its incredible and helpful

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful!

[@milouschmidt]

❤ Thank you for your great advice. I will try it ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

You’re welcome 😊 let me know how it goes!

[@radda7898]

Hell yes! Never have I had a description of a communication sequence that didn’t put my nervous system on edge.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear this resonates. Would you be comfortable communicating this to your partner or the people in your life?

[@VeronicaLopez-gh4vj]

So much❤ for someone that could careless about you

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some of them, perhaps. Do you think that's true of all of them?

[@rosiedhillon947]

You are one of the best out there on this topic without any hoopla attached to it

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Sounds like this info was helpful to you. Are you in a relationship with an avoidant man now?

[@lisanathan7336]

Just found you for the first time Adam, what a great podcast. Brilliantly helpful x Very to the point and informative and had me chuckling. As a woman, I can be secure, avoidant and anxious depending on the dynamic I’ve found myself in. I will try this next time. Vulnerability and being clear are key. Thank you x

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome, thank you! Glad you found what you're looking for. I've got so much more material, so take some time and let me know what you need.

[@MissMeina]

With being avoidant I had so many anxiety spikes with everything you were talking about 😂

[@rebeccamoritzen745]

Avoidant woman here this is so true

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback on this! Avoidant women don't get much spotlight, but I hope to fix that in future videos.

[@antoinettemunn3453]

Thanks for this info.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! Are you with an avoidant man now?

[@Christophfarrell]

Yep you’ve 100% nailed it!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it resonated with you!!

[@mp4455]

Great video… subscribed

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for being here!

[@meow8819]

This is gold!! I’m so glad I came across this video I’ve been struggling with my avoidant man breadcrumbing me cuz he feels a strong connection between us, I knew he’s afraid, lol what a perfect timing and what an amazing video, thank you so much for this information! I’m gonna have to take notes n teach myself these beautiful ways to communicate.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found this at the right time! If he's open to it, watch this 2-part series together and have some talks. I'm also here for couples coaching if you two want a stronger foundation together.

[@JeffHendricks]

HELL YEAH, this is spot on.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks Jeff, I knew you would definitely like this one

[@JeffHendricks]

​@@AttachmentAdam It's amazing to me that you can sum up exactly what I've been fighting with for all these years. And being married for decades _doesn't_ automatically fix it if you never learn healthy communication or feel emotionally safe.

[@alexgiger8812]

I just discovered you today. I'm crying listening to your videos. As an avoidant man, this is the validation that I want and seek in life. I'm going through the deterioration of my relationship with my mother (who most likely is anxiously attached), and she has toxically pushed me away, and doesn't think she needs therapy. If only she could take this advice.

[@lindasmith5063]

Thank you SOOOO MUCH for these Very informative videos about 'Loving An Avoidant Man'!! They have been so helpful and have given me hope! Thank you Thank you Thank You!!!! ❤❤❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! I am here to help, so let me know if you need more resources. My email is [e-mail] if you have any specific questions on a relationship issue

[@lindasmith5063]

@@AttachmentAdam Thank you! You probably will be hearing from me! ❤️

[@anjastokadezors4903]

You are absolutly incredible ❤❤❤ Perfectly clear, easy to understand, transparent, You really do care and have a big ❤, thank You so much

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thank you so much for these kind words. It's really wonderful to get feedback like yours. Which part of this video resonated the most?

[@katybrooke0724]

Currently in this situation. trying to learn as much as i can on this topic. thank you for this video..

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're welcome to email me at [e-mail] if you have direct questions

[@how_you_talk]

Its a lovely video Adam! Great learning. I am a communications and mental health and wellness expert. I get cases of avoidants and what they are thinking is absolutely true. But really putting up with this is like so much dissatisfaction deep down. The only way you can survive through this is love the person but dont be too attached. Have very less expectations. Have a life outside. And I mean great life. Have goals and ambitions. Achieve them. Meet new people. Socialize. Equally do what Adam mentions. And yes if you expect change that the avoidant would open up , he/ she would but it's going to take years and lots of back and forth. If you are free emotionally, maintaining this relationship wont be tiring and exhausting. Now when you live your life, the avoidant may start doubting you, getting jealous, may start controlling your actions so be tactful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback here. This video represents part of the picture but not the whole. Another major part of a functioning relationship would be the avoidant person doing their own attachment work to become more secure and be able to reciprocate that love back to the person caring for them.

[@gloriawaddell6570]

Dealing with this right now. This is the most informative video I have found and it sounds very accurate from what I have observed.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad this one was helpful - I've got more coming soon. I'm also happy to help if you've got specific questions. My email is [e-mail] if you need some resources.

[@eriksilmberg5743]

Bang on. It worked for me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear it, thank you!

[@jasminecoppage711]

Thank you so much for these videos! I have an avoidant attachment style and I believe my love interest at work does too.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing!! It's great that you found the videos helpful in understanding yourself and your love interest better.

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

Thanks for the advice. The best thing is to heal from attachment wounds.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Agreed, make sure both sides are working to become more secure so the bond can be strong.