Avoidant deactivation

[@johndevivo8683]

You have to consciously choose to leave them once they blindside you. Unless they have great insight, are in therapy you just have to admit they have no chance of remaining intimate and close. You may love them a great deal but that does not affect the outcome. They cannot make it work. You have to give up a future that you have eased yourself into relying on cause it was so great. Yes there were red flags but you did not know this is the end result until you go through it once fully. You have to stop romanticizing about the great times and recognize what living with a deactivated person would be like. Lonely, frustrating, feeling devalued, not good enough, deprived, disempowered, craving intimacy, unappreciated. Welcome back to your childhood. Let yourself detox and admit you have to do something different even when it hurts every minute. Peace

[@vanessaG275]

Loved loved what you said. I saw myself in all your words.

[@GesuHeche-fv4hx]

"You have to stop romanticizing about the great times and recognize what living with a deactivated person would be like." This! There were good times, but I learnt my lesson. Once they're in this mode, and it will happen whenever they feel overwhelmed or stressed, any consideration for you and your needs and feelings goes out the window...once they've deactivated, you won't matter, and the impact on you won't matter either. The person is gone and not really present anymore - totally shut down. Not a good situation to put yourself in, esp if theyre not working on themselves

[@Jonathanfall1]

I really needed to read this comment today. Thank you for leaving it. I consciously chose to walk away from my ex. Since then I have learned that I need to do this every day, to consciously choose to stay away and focus on myself.

[@ShopgirlNY182]

What’s weird is when they tell you every day on text they love you but won’t say it in person unless I would say it first

[@ajmosutra7667]

MINE TOO!

[@89DeluCs]

Same with my DA ex😅😅

[@TransformativeParadigm]

I guess some avoidants will use their enablers(family, friends, the wrong crowd/influences) as their deactivation strategy to further sabotage a relationship and force their partner to walk away eventually. If avoidant’s partner doesn’t walk away, avoidant and his enabler will silence the partner by dismissing partner’s side of the story. Making the partner feel like an outcast in their own relationship. Often forcing the role of a puppet or doormat on the partner. Hopefully, the partner leaves; I left. I hope you gain the strength to leave too if this comment resonates.

[@BlackWolf-gk8sn]

It totally does. I was a doormat for her and her mother, without even knowing me, always talked bad about me. My ex said, that she likes no one being together with her and so on. Talked everything bad I did. When I cut her hair, because she asked me to, her mother was in shock. My Ex was 26. Just saying. And her mother didn´t even saw me. Yeah I did walk away tho. I want a woman. Not a little girl, who doesen´t know, what she wants. Living in hotel mommy, acting like a child and not even wanting to get out. I sended her 26 appartment requests. She only had to write them and get a appartment for herself. I don´t have time and energy for this bullshit anymore.

[@TransformativeParadigm]

@@BlackWolf-gk8sn I hear you. My husband’s 31 and still stuck to his mom’s breasts. His mom and him unite to bully me eventually to silence me. It did cut communication off with my husband the minute he threw me under the bus to bully me again with his mom. This has happened thrice before I had the courage to leave my marriage. I mean I can’t fix him or help him when he doesn’t want to help himself. I can either be a doormat/puppet for him and his mom for all my life or I can choose someone who is mature and mentally healthy after I get done divorcing him soon. 😊

[@bigboss6867]

I walked away after learning the hard way post breakup that I couldn't win at getting her back. Offered me friendship, I later unfriended her from social media and told her, "bye". I tell myself every time I reminisce back on those times, "she obviously doesn't love me anymore, and it's just better to move on."

[@TransformativeParadigm]

@@bigboss6867 if she’s an avoidant and she doesn’t want to work on her attachment style or acknowledge her side of failures, then you did the right thing by distancing yourself from her.

[@BlackWolf-gk8sn]

@bigboss6867 She never did my men. I feel what you saying. She loved the Idea of you two. The shared fantasy. But love, really shows in, who stands beside you, when things get rough. And she didn't. Let her go. Move on. Find love. Not someone, who needs you for their Illusion. You deserve better.

[@girlinthekywoods]

Someone else's crazy never makes me question myself.

[@justinjones5842]

dude this is toooo fucking accurate great vid

[@Torchbearer666]

And Justice for All!! The greatest album of all time.

[@sarahlampz]

This is exactly what happened. Healthy happy relationship, built strong healthy emotional intimacy, as soon as it got to a peak, she turned and ran away, went cold. Still cold. Hurts like hell.

[@89DeluCs]

Same here after 1.5 years she told me i love you but I have to fight my demons I dont know who I'm the broke up with me 😂😂

[@sarahlampz]

@ sounds exactly right. I feel bad for her, mid 30s and no sense of identity.

[@89DeluCs]

@@sarahlampz she's on therapy and works with herself were keeping connection as "friends" I don't know what to say maibe she still loves me 🤷🏻

[@89DeluCs]

She's putin ❤️on my message and 🤗

[@RoseNicholas-c1y]

He told me he didn't love me but told me he did love me every day he's definitely a avoidant

[@freewoman]

He told me he didn't like me. It crushed my heart

[@ritapeters1330]

He told you each day he loved you and then said he never loved you? Be glad it's over 😢

[@johndevivo8683]

@@ritapeters1330lol. That is perfectly stated. Mine blindsided me in bed after 18 months then wanted me to stay the night.

[@Kleef718]

Do they know they're deactivated? Like when they go silent for two full weeks are they even aware of their own actions? They can't actually be surprised that they're going to be broken up with after being radio silent for weeks, right?

[@89DeluCs]

Sadly no the severe ones 😢 But there are healty avoidants which are able to self reflect and ask nicely for space they even tell you how much time they are gonna be deactivated and what you should do when they are deactivated like dont take it personaly dont pressure me or dont criticize me ...also they may ask for hugs kisses etc...

[@loveandpeace757]

please post more vids on anxious attachment and shorts. extremely helpful and motivating. thank you coach ryan

[@TheGalilee416]

AJFA shirt AND great info? Dang your site rocks 🤘

[@cherrybacon3319]

The Avoidant is aware of everything they do and say bit will never admit their actions to be manipulative. 🍒

[@willba3516]

It’s been 6 days since she ran away, blocked me my family and friends. Haven’t heard a word. Probably cheating on me

[@vanessaG275]

Yes and laughing and drinking with friends. Never do scorched earth with her. When she comes back tell her it's over and move on. You deserve better.

[@willba3516]

@ will she come back?

[@vanessaG275]

@@willba3516 Yes she will. They all do as they need that dopamine rush. She won't be coming back to you because she loves you or cares for you but what you give her for her rush.

[@AWA89r]

When I’m looking back I was so stupid to let he treats me like this for 18 years! He’s such a butt ()

[@walkertranger5746]

Mine lasted about 8 years then poof vanished like space ghost

[@nikki8789]

Dang! I’m so sorry 😢. That has to feel horrible. You deserve way better than that! That’s not a healthy human being. Just remember that! ❤

[@whiteriver7747]

Yes!! In the pretend part is so ok and easy, then... Yeah... Nope... Nope nope and run away quick or I'm gonna die

[@davidwarren3572]

Empathy? Practice empathy and get out of self centeredness when I feel avoidant. Huh? Seems really obvious now, but I was really in a conundrum there

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

When do they reactivate?

[@Bee-lp3wj]

You don't want them too. You deserve better.

[@walkertranger5746]

Why do you want them to? They need healing ! Run away … far far away

[@orderflowarchives]

Its a cycle. Usually takes about 6 weeks for them to feel "lonely"

[@vanessaG275]

Oh no don't wish for them to reactivate. Your life will continue to be hell.

[@RubyLine]

Like one of the previous commenters mentioned, it's a cycle with Das. It can take 6 months or even years depending on how far on the avoidant spectrum the person is. Even then when they come back, if they haven't done any healing work and/or improved their behaviours and communication, they'll behave exactly the same way all over again. But if you did the work during this time, the cycle will be even shorter because someone secure triggers them too and doesn't enable them. Plus you won't tolerate their hot and cold cycles for long either.

[@laurastracener2962]

@Coach Ryan - I have an odd question. What happens or becomes of an avoidant that never heals? And does age play any factors in choosing to heal versus not choosing to?

[@vanessaG275]

Common sense tells you that if they never heal you will live the rest of your life miserable and felt unloved. That is why I just had to walk away. A loveless relationship is what you will have to get used to. When I realized this, it was then that my heart was broken. Take care.

[@geemail369]

A cat lady.

[@chowell1451]

They live their whole life with a distorted view of reality self sabotaging

[@vanessaG275]

@@chowell1451 Yes absolutely.

[@Kleef718]

​@@geemail369Or an old lonely man...

[@EowyntheFair88]

Ok, so what do you do when you've married this and have kids?

[@jfeliciano2687]

I listened to the book Attached and it actually explains a few situations and examples on how to handle a situation like yours. I recommend listening or reading Attached. It's on audiobook on KZbin somewhere.

[@Applied_Pressure]

I'm planning to leave my dismissive avoidant (with our child in tow) as soon as I can afford it. And in the meantime, I am nose deep in the Bible just working on my character. I have to find joy and happiness in the meantime. A happy mother greatly affects their child's sense of security and determines their life course. And also staying with an avoidant will almost guarantee they will seek out an avoidant or become an avoidant themselves when they're adults. So I'm going to stop this family curse right here. No amount of fighting, trying, loving, anything, will change my dismissive avoidant. I've tried it all. It's a damn shame how they will harm so many people just trying to protect themselves. But they will never even know this about themselves because they are the most unaware non-introspective humans on the planet. A.k.a. that's why they're called the avoidant. What a shame. But it's not our problem to fix. Only leave. Anyone reading this who isn't married with children and thinks they are with a dismissive avoidant. Run!!!There are healthy people out there. You have to become one to date them, but trust me. There are people that will not shut down on you when you share what your needs are. There are people that will come closer when you say you want to talk about the relationship rather than run away. I've experienced it! So I know it's real. The toxic dance that we deal with with the avoidant is truly hell on earth and you don't have to live this way.

[@katielove3477]

@@Applied_PressureI needed this 🥹 married with small kids and just needed the reminder

[@shinons]

Or children, who were growing up during war

[@Arxez]

Do they comeback a 2nd time? We broke up again it has been a month I gave none but radio silence

[@jakelooter5139]

I have been w one for 12 years they come back Over and Over and leave again...sometimes for a month, sometimes 6-9.

[@geemail369]

Dude, you don't want *them* to come back - their very state of being is what _CAUSED_ the emotional mess you're in right now! Have your mind chew on this for a few laps. 🧠🌱

[@tredd9019]

He'll come back as many times as you'll allow. Just remember, he's been cheating while he's gone. Mine had a whole other family.

[@jamie-r2034]

@@jakelooter5139 12 years here too - this is the 2nd time she left me. We're in our early 40s & have a child as well. It's been traumatic as well. Ironically last night I dropped food off for our daughter & my ex was being a little too nice. She was making dinner & even had me stay to eat, then hung out for a little. Last month we were to have separate holidays and now we're doing them together. I couldn't understand what even happened until she broke it off with me by a text message. I got the slow fade out as well. I was told "I love you for everything you have done for me & our family - there's just something inside & i have no emotions or something." From that text message I knew something was wrong. I have a feeling she will be trying again but Im not sure I can do it unless she truly changes

[@walkertranger5746]

You don’t want him/her back ! These people are sick and need healing . Run far away