When the avoidant DISCARDS you and then commits to someone else

#discard #fearofcommitment #breakup #heartbroken #emotionallyunavailable #avoidant #dating #relationshipcoach #situationship #avoidantattachment #relationship #attachment #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #insecureattachment

[@wisewittyandpretty4210]

😂commit? If a person won't commit to becoming a better person for themselves, how could they commit to someone else?

[@tarkov666]

Messes you up even more when you start wondering how many other people they've done this with, and how many more in the future

[@bumblebee74911]

Facts!

[@fightingmonk123]

The avoidant may have a deaf and dumb spirit, a term used in ancient times to describe someone who can't communicate their feelings.

[@jason8708]

Its a sad situation all the way around they fear to commit to a healthy partner in fear of abundantment and feeling unlovable but will commit to a toxic partner to insure that they're unloved it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

[@jennywho604]

As awful as it is to be discarded, this video makes me feel grateful I’m on this side of the situation. Being avoidant sounds really hard. 😢

[@Nonfiction.Reader]

I agree. 😢

[@dorianmorgenstern1267]

As soon as I got the signs, even when I was feeling deeply for him, I discarded him. I tried to communicate in multiple ways and it didn't work, all I got was my need for clarity neglected. Sorry not sorry, had to burn that bridge before he'd burn it whit me standing on it trying to reach him. Maybe he wasn't expecting me being the one who terminated things before he could. What I know is I feel better not begging for clarity and truth. I'm free from that suspension was becoming torture.

[@brownell.landrum]

To all DAs reading this: If you want out, fine. You don't have to be an a-hole about it. Be kind. Show some class and freaking compassion and end it with respect.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

And just to be clear on what respect means, for us normal people, specifically, IN PERSON + NOT OVER TEXT

[@brownell.landrum]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 Yes, thank you. 😍

[@northshorelight35]

This is so incredibly true because it happened to me. I was ghosted out of the blue. We had just spent an amazing time together while planning our marriage. Shortly after I was discarded, he met a woman at a seminar, dated her for 4 months, driving to and from out of state to visit her and married her. Not just any normal marriage but went to ask for her hand in marriage - something he claimed that he would never do. Turned out that she was physically abusive and beat him up on a daily basis. In addition, her family was very meddlesome and toxic. Their marriage lasted about 3 years and half of that was just him planning how to leave her. Then he cheated with a married woman and moved in with her after her divorce finalized. He lived with her, going on 14 years now, but they do the most despicable things to each other. Did I mention his very first girlfriend who was divorced 4x with 4 kids when they moved in together with plans to marry? She was a serial cheater and kept bringing men into their bedroom. This man has offended me so much but now that I know he has an attachment disorder, I really don't want anything to do with him. I don't care if he does have a sickness. He still has the choice about how to behave. Meanwhile, I got married and have been for 20+ years. My husband gives me healing energy. We have 5 children and built our way to having financial freedom. That other guy? Well he's literally a "hobosexual" who was recently disbarred in February for stealing his clients' money. The reason he is still living with the ex - or maybe not an ex - is because he can't afford to move out, his family doesn't have much to do with him, and his health is deteriorating.

[@ld921]

This is much more than attachment issues, read what you wrote again, there is some kind of mental health issue here and he isn’t totally innocent as you would like to believe,

[@janjanveluz6937]

I dont think you understand what attachment styles are that much, sounds like this man has SERIOUS mental issues, attachment styles is just how a person reacts to relationship intimacy based on how they were raised as a child, this is totally different type of crazy this man you just described

[@anitarogers2877]

@northshorelight35 - It sounds like your ex is ensconced in some kind of toxic conditioning, of what feels 'right' to him - the kind of women and relationships, the pattern, all of which seem 'normal' to him, so he keeps seeking 'that.' It sounds very difficult and quite sad, that he can't get himself out of the labyrinth and repeat program setting.

[@eppsislike]

Attachment issue? This guy got issues, the attachment is the least he should worry about, love.

[@little_miss_muffet]

This is so validating. Before me, my avoidant ex was in a 5-year-relationship with (what sounded to me like) a narcissist. He then barely lasted 12 months with me (secure) before I was discarded and he monkey-branched straight into a relationship with an anxiously-attached co-worker who he’s still with and living with two years later. Hard to swallow.

[@Backpacknbeyond]

I was crushed by a severe dismissive avoidant over the last two years. Had to dig deep to leave who I believed to be my dream girl. The truth test of mental fortitude was for me to walk away forever with no closure from someone who I loved so much. They say the worst things that happen to you end up becoming the best. I hope I can say that in a few years time.

[@gayleneflower398]

let us know! good luck

[@johnnycalderon9951]

Updates?

[@bellahoney8596]

Same

[@camillemcconnell8504]

ALL Of this work for an avoidnent who is messed up, emotionally unavailable and not empathetic us a Total Waste of time.

[@EsmereldaIndigo]

You described what happened to me EXACTLY. I really did think it was me. Was I low value? I had boundaries, strong self of self, encouraged him, had amazing closeness- bordering on creepy/telepathic (LOL!). He wasn't ready and said he needed to get his head together before a relationship because it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Ghosted/discard. Immediate commitment to someone else. Ow.

[@yellowtheresunshine]

When I was discarded literally by text message telling me he was starting a new relationship with another woman, I've realised was extremely traumatising for me. That new relationship ended by the 6 month mark and was described by him to me as "a nightmare.".....she was entitled, treated him badly, demanding of him.

[@formalhault5820]

Yeah but that shit doesn't really last.

[@formalhault5820]

​@yellowtheresunshine hey your ex got hit by karma.

[@anitaanotherorchid294]

This resonated for me in such an eye opening way ! After over 20 years of marriage he told me he was seeing someone else and that very day packed up and moved in with her. No explanation . Our adult children and I are shattered. He left this family for a broken home for a person who has several children with different fathers. And is known to be a “home-wrecker “ and described as toxic. He would often tell me in our marriage that I deserved better , that he was not good enough. Now I am woke g on putting myself together. It is the most painful experience I have ever gone through and there were times I did not think I would make it . This was powerful video. Thank you.

[@chrisreid3340]

This must be why the distant avoidant has a penchant for married or unavailables

[@brownell.landrum]

Yes - or just someone they have no fear of really loving and getting close to.

[@Flufero23]

Happened to me. My FA ex did a slow fade after expressing his feelings. Then monkey branched to another and wanted to remain friends. Nope!! NC forever for me. His new love has emotional problems from being in a toxic previous relationship. Now I understand.

[@Sunitha001]

Coach Ryan is amazing.

[@Unbothered_Boz]

Ur video content gives me so many answers and peace.. thank u

[@ayomikokila271]

Super style of delivery. Spot on.

[@MsYooToob]

So….a match made in hell? 😂 Be my guest lmao

[@caleblangfird212]

Coach Ryan, can you talk about Avoidant resentment?

[@Ahicksaf]

100% accurate that's exactly what i have been through, she always told me something very close to that and in some version or another "You're more real than me, I can't love you unconditionally the way you do, i am having doubts and keep feeling pressured, and I just can't accept u the way you accept me" Honestly she kept saying these words a lot, during our on and off period. I never understood what they mean until now. I thought they mean a lack of attraction or some sort of rejection excuse but then she always came back telling me she has feelings and always flirting with me. Now I understand it all

[@SandmanJackson77]

Coach Ryan has spoke about this on many of his videos. Coach Ryan has repeated this over and over again. Not to mention very clear about an avoidance person. Good relationships scare and toxic is comfortable for an avoidance person. The anxious person needs to heal and move on. I am dealing with this and since I’ve started watching these videos 3 days ago. I have a greater understanding of what happened to me. It wasn’t my fault and it was their choice. Now I’m moving forward. I’ve had heart break similar to this but nothing of this magnitude. So I’m aware of the healing process. The only difference is i did nothing wrong here but love, care, respect and gave them a safe place. She got scared, discarded me and no contract now. I am focusing on myself and leaving her be. If we ever talk. I will say my peace and continue to grow. This isn’t what i want in my life and i don’t deserve that at all. Always know your worth and grow. Also i work with my avoidance person at my job. Just imagine how much strength it takes for me to stay away, keep focus and not let it get to me. If i can do it. We all can do it but you have to put in the work 💯

[@justinkantner]

Thank you for this video. I needed this tonight. they really did jump to someone else and been with them for months. Unfortunately i don't know much about their new partner to tell if they are toxic or unavaliable. Which makes this hard. Been in no contact since i found out though.. 💔

[@KatieW210]

Thank you for explaining, I needed to understand how he could be in a relationship with someone else, and it explains why he looks unhappy in the new relationship. Very difficult to cope with when you love someone. If they have to move on you want them to at least be happy with that new person to give you closure that we weren't right, but when you don't get that it's hard to ignore your instinct that it was something special.

[@Backpacknbeyond]

Damn dude I literally feel like you are speaking to me.

[@desertangelfish140]

I unknowingly was the third wheel. The female he rejected me for lives in a care facility. She has mental health issues from years of drug and alcohol abuse. He prioritized and showed more commitment and loyalty to her than me. He also cared about her feelings and never for mine.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

😮

[@kayclayton8887]

My ex husband had rotten ugly weird exes that he showed care & passion for. He never showed passion for me... gross people are their comfort zone

[@michellebradbury7762]

How do you deal with the fact that the person you thought was touching your soul just wasn’t there? 😃😭😩

[@brownell.landrum]

Wow - this is SO TRUE. My ex is now with a person with seriously dark energy. This explains so much. Thank you for what you do!

[@lighthunter1418]

Whao,,, I stopped breathing the entire video. Whao!! What a nutshell moment. Your videos have shifted a lot of stuff for me, and I love that it Comes from a man-man so well spoken without overload of Emotions or overly verbal bombarding( no offense anyone just the perfect addition of puzzle piece amidst all the others that try to help us understand our pain) . Perfect fit for me, love your style / delivery. Thank you

[@citizenoz]

Exactly what I am being put through. Hurts like hell... especially when the ex DA keeps wanting to be friends and keeps telling me that the new guy is a narc, he's an avoidant, puts her down, fat shames her (she's not fat), belittles her work (she's self employed and hard working), he's an only child spoilt 56yo rich kid who told her he had never been in love or had any serious relationshp when they started and insists on sleeping in separate beds (all of which she has told me several times)... yep... it hurts like hell.

[@taylorbee4010]

Anxious partners also pressure. It’s me. Hi. I’m that person it’s me.

[@iamdannita]

Ufff.. Thank you for this.. 🙏❤️

[@theliterarytarot]

Spot on.

[@Yapap1234567]

Narc behaviour

[@brownell.landrum]

He does a great video about the difference.

[@Pptsonyt8553]

That's fucked up 😵

[@ThereseDavidson]

This is an amazing video, thank you. We both felt we had the happiest relationship we've been in, but he disappeared after our first conflict (after one year in a relationship). I couldn't stay secure during that moment and acted out of fear and a wound from a past abusive relationship because of a behavior that my avoidant partner showed me that reminded me of how my past person used to act. I apologized the same day but he was already on the move. I've done lots of work and learned so much because of our separation. I truly see the purpose because it grown me into a stronger person. Sometimes i still feel, after 3 years of separation that it's difficult to know who i am. I felt most myself before and during the time i was with him. Still finding my way =), and the love for him is forever, that's also an absolute. But now i've stepped into my power and i'm focusing on starting my own business and being true to myself.

[@Dendr3]

Is this also aplied to an Anxious avoidant? I "discarded" her, telling her over the phone that I could not meet her needs. 11 days after I saw her holding another mans hand on the other side of the street. It broke my heart i million ways. Made me start my healing journey. I am an DA, I realised this after I started reflecting on the relationship. It's been an eye opener for sure.

[@user-jl2cr2mo5f]

😢thank you ❤ i needed this

[@duoma8630]

Thank you!

[@brownell.landrum]

Many are likely to be guilty of "cushioning" - lining up the next one after you WHILE with you. Talk about scumbags.

[@desertangelfish140]

@@brownell.landrum Hurts like hell! But, constantly made unfounded false accusations against me.

[@brownell.landrum]

@@desertangelfish140 That's horrible

[@S5Dic09]

This one pierced my heart like a yt video never did, this girl make it hard to keep the communication after our best long-distance relationship point, then months later she appeared with somebody that apparently didn't knew for more than a couple of weeks, such a deception, and now four months later it seems her stupid ship is going down, no surprise, a carrer-focused in search of love is quite the opposite of a boy focused on substances and being open to an easy relationship (for a young man specially, they see any chance with any girl as a college student sees any job: better to have some money than nothing, better to not be alone and have sex for free for a while rather than watch porn), she really made a fool of herself

[@stancui8120]

Just happened to me. So sad

[@amymartin3929]

This exactly is what happened.. toom up with his next door neighbor..much older

[@taylorbee4010]

Just happened

[@Nonfiction.Reader]

Truth.

[@jenaskye1567]

Is this the same for when ypu are married & they have an affair?

[@taylorbee4010]

I’m guessing ole boy got something He ain’t got a face

[@silka3738]

But do they know this, or in their twisted minds, they think that the other person is better than you.

[@IvanVazquezS]

As far as I understand, but it's better if you ask a qualified person, is as follows: If you were an emotionally available person, a securely attached partner for example, at some point of the relationship they started feeling anxious and didn't know why, but it was this fear of commitment because you were too available for them and they just don't know how to reciprocate, so makes them unconsciously anxious. Also, another factor is that according to other fearful avoidants you can find in youtube, they kinda start rethinking of the relationship because they don't "feel enough", meaning not that they are bored, but they are used to more toxic or dynamic relationships when the sex is more intense because they have fights, they have a lot of passion but less emotional availability, they felt more intense emotions, GOOD and BAD. So a secure partner is more stable, and they unconsciously think this must be wrong since they are used to feel more (even if the more was a lot of the times BAD), and they think that the relationship is probably not ok for them and they should find someone that makes them feel more. When they meet the new person (or was already in line as a coworker, friend, or somebody flirting because they also tend to always micro-cheat with other people to feel validated), and because they deactivated right before they broke up with you, they see in this person all the things that they didn't see with you at the end: intense dopamine, low commitment so they don't feel anxious, and probably a few other perks that they didn't tell you they wanted or needed (because they are super bad at telling you their needs), so they kinda feel this person is better, but you just need to wait since again, if as stated in the video this person is not emotionally available, toxic, narcissist, etc. They will eventually find out in the worst way possible this relationship is not good for them, but as many toxic relationships, they will really struggle leaving this relationship because even if it's hurting them, it feels like home, and they feel MORE. Hope this helps you and remember, if you did everything right, find a person that appreciates that!

[@Littlemiss-w9s]

I do think how many more 😮

[@laurajohnson1632]

So if they are committing to an alcoholic- is it ok for them because the alcoholic is so unhealthy? Even if they took care and were codependent to the alcoholic in the past?

[@ashton1952]

Person was probably was raised in a home where they had to constantly rescue and be the mommy for an alcoholic parent

[@gayleneflower398]

Yah, my ex Avoidant had a previous g/f that was severe alcholic. He told me she was down to 90 lbs when he carried her into rehab. He cared for her and asked her to marry him. (the fact that she had a huge inheritance coming may have helped) Then discarded her because she was "different", when sober, "not fun anymore". A year later she died of drinking...passed out on her front porch in CO and froze to death. poor woman. I think he broke her heart... Then I was his next VICTIM. painful 5 years.

[@tomaslopez3711]

@coachryan what if they get back with their woman beater baby daddy while telling you they love you and wanna get back with you?

[@smohammed2821]

So two aviodant make the best couple ?

[@spiritwanderer777]

i wouldn't say best but it can be long lasting. The parents of my ex were two avoidants living together as roommates, often disconnecting for weeks, zero affection, intimacy, it was the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed. Now I can understand why my ex was the way she was. Thanks parents.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Borderline and avoidant. They give the drama and the rush they sooooo need even although they say,they dont.😂😂

[@tarkov666]

Often the less avoidant one eventually sees how they are treated and how they themselves behave. It's a common reason recovering avoidants admit to changing

[@spiritwanderer777]

@@tarkov666 i'm sorry but I don't understand what you wrote.

[@bumblebee74911]

​@@spiritwanderer777Yeah thanks parents! Exactly smh

[@LivyWithWhiskey]

Great sermon today 🫡 this was my biggest fear