AVOIDANT PARTNERS - How to get your needs met (and have them love it!) - An expert explains

Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @attachmentadam
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith....
adamlanesmith....
adamlanesmith....
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith....
If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com...
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@jennahudson3420]

I’m getting better at expressing my needs. By mistake I did a lot of things right in communication with my man. I’ve always communicated calmly, maturely, lovingly, and non combative. I asked a lot of questions about what he wants and needs. Our conversations started with him covering his face with a blanket or a pillow. There was a lot of “planning to talk about our feelings”. Sometimes a week or more later. He’s communicating so much more willingly. He’s a good man and I’m trying to learn “his language”. I 💯 agree that Avoidance Men can be one of the best partners out there. He has so much kindness and love.

[@Pheonix1111]

Thank you so much for this video. You convinced me via this video to eventually join your attachment circle when I am ready. I am convicted.

[@DM-wv6to]

She's gonna have to want to work at it though

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hope to see you in there soon, I know you will enjoy it 🤝

[@AlisonChoquette]

I need to feel secure and reassured before i can give him the space he needs to feel independent , so i know we need to come up with negotiate a way to get both core needs met...

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m building a video course right now that’s going to show you how to do this. I’m filming it tomorrow in the studio with my production team. Stay tuned!

[@Inspirehopetoday]

Amen! Measurable! ‘Just do something different’ isn’t direction!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Correct, needs have to be measurable and understandable so the partner can do them!

[@bec724]

My partner is anxious avoidant. I am anxious. We both love each other so much and want this to work. Many of the avoidant love approaches work but it’s confusing because he doesn’t talk and intimacy is only physical. I bought a deck of intimacy cards with questions. It’s very hard for him to be vulnerable. I have never done anything to break his trust. He recognises he has issues with dopamine addiction but Bec also does love to cuddle and I feel like his oxytocin is not completely broken.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I can help the two of you learn to be open and intimate together in just a few sessions of couples coaching. Even hesitant and avoidant men respond extremely well to my practical approach and clear solutions. You're welcome to email me at [e-mail] and I'll show you how we can start.

[@evanlundgren3039]

I need your help in the worst way. My wife doesn't even care to learn any of this stuff and is giving up. I'll hire you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am here to help. Send me an email at [e-mail] and we can begin immediately.

[@sarahsavarino8024]

If your wife is an avoidant... You pointing this out might make her feel like something is wrong with her. Try asking for her help critiquing his points in this video.

[@TheHouseOffice]

this is FUCKING BRILLIANT @@sarahsavarino8024

[@a.b.creator]

He could be the one who is avoidant.​@@sarahsavarino8024

[@JohannahArrington1908]

@@sarahsavarino8024but something is wrong with her. She needs the help.

[@cjthefox]

This is awesome! Thanks for being so clear and concise whenever people just say ‘you’ll figure it out’ or your partner says ‘I dunno whatever you want’ it’s just - AAAAAAAAAAA

[@Cathleen06751]

Yes, and…… my new mantra! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Ty

[@lottehinterberg7404]

Your videos are real healing for me. I'm avoidant women. Thank You❤❤❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

If you're looking to fix your marriage and find that passion again as a couple, here's the link to the Marriage Rescue Coaching Package I mentioned in this stream: adam-smith.mykajabi.com/offers/DjP6JdLS

[@gmiller8167]

You described a couple where the man was anxious and the woman avoidant. As I understood your comments, you summarized that she didn’t know how to articulate what she needed from him for emotional physical intimacy. My inquiry is: Avoidants, once in the power struggle stage (stage of feeling of commitment in the relationship) are well known for avoiding intimacy, both emotional and physical, along with vulnerability, discussions around feelings, commitment, etc. As a certified attachment coach myself, I’m always interested in learning outlier situations that other coaches have experienced. In my experience, I have not yet had an avoidant articulate or intimate a desire or need from their partner that they want intimacy since this is the thing they fear… or see as a high risk, particularly together in couples counseling. Typically they are sourcing their needs elsewhere through pornography, cheating, escorts, masturbation, and so forth to avoid intimacy. Would love to hear more about these unique scenarios.

[@MsChapman]

Thanks so much! Learning about being an avoidant woman has been so helpful. But now, the algorithm is feeding me content about the darker side of being avoidant…that we’re all but DESPISED in the relationship realm. Complete and expedient transformation seems to be the only solution, which feels impossible for me. How do you find someone who is willing to accept your attachment style and help you evolve?

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're right that so many other creators demonize avoidant people, it's awful to see. I do have a recent video I released specifically about avoidant women. If you're looking for some help finding the right partner who's going to love you and help you fulfill your newly discovered needs, I can help. Send me an email at [e-mail] and I can show you some resources for this.

[@ashleyobrien5791]

I am one of those people dating an avoidant man, who doesn’t know he is one yet, but I have healed /healing my anxious side becoming more secure to help form a safe place for him to grow … I needed this video though bc he’s stubborn … I have asked for things some he has done others nope I don’t budge lol 😅he says … I love my feral cat, he’s got AdHD, food aversions, was physically and verbally abused as a child by his Dad, mom was sorta trying to survive that relationship, he was left alone watching tv etc I now after being in the relationship found out about attachment styles and began to make sense of his behaviors, I was being secure before I found this out, but then some lack of communication etc would trigger me on occasion and I would go to the worst case scenarios in my mind, but he had done a few things and wasn’t making me feel secure … things have improved the more I learned and healed … There are loving partners out there, empaths/healer types

[@DM-wv6to]

The only point I have here, is that the whole interaction as laid out with the 'yes and', sounds almost business like. Like an office arrangement. I think it's very Western/US in flavour, maybe it works for US couples. In Europe we still hold on to romanticism, so I would prefer a different vocabulary.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds business like because we are only clear and direct in polite business, while we are emotional and unclear in our personal lives. Romance can definitely play a part in this but the goal is to be completely clear and transparent!

[@abigailcosta1716]

Me and my husband just watched this video. He said Society should clone you, and study your brain from how smart you were about this 😂😂😂

[@chakrabartidola]

Other person needs to listen atleast and then you can start the process of negotiations... Avoidants are not even ready to listen anything in most of the cases...

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's true that both partners need to at least listen and have the conversations together. If one refuses, nothing is going to work.

[@TheBraunzone]

@AttachmentAdam , why is it that the avoidant doesn't understand regular interactions?

[@travelwilliam7249]

Hi Adam yeah I feel like that ____ I am anxious and he is avoidant -- very cold and I don’t feel love-- he like to brush everything under the carpet when we discuss or argue or dismissive me 😢

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry you're not feeling the love you deserve. But don't worry, there's definitely a fix for this. Have you seen this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eofCpWZtZ7uXq5Yfeature=shared ? If you have and are still struggling, I encourage you to send me a DM on Instagram. We can get through this together.

[@robbriggs8016]

How do you find out what your needs are? I know I must have some but I don't know what they are.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's true that everyone has needs. Do you think you might have been neglecting them for so long that you forgot about them? Please feel free to DM me on Instagram so we can discuss ways to find your way back to them.

[@joygibbons5482]

As an avoidant woman I just get on with life meeting my own needs. Works best and is preferable as adults are fully capable of doing this. Relationships are nice to have but not essential.

[@don-eb3fj]

^THIS^ !! Was I supposed to get a menu or table of contents or something? Well, I didn't... and I didn't get my secret social decoder ring in my box of CrackerJack either. Needs? Never heard of 'em, except from other people.

[@a.b.creator]

​@@AttachmentAdamyes.🥺

[@joniharen3163]

It actually sounds better to say "Yes but". Do we use "Yes And" as to not offend or rub the wrong way?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, and it helps you build on top of what they're saying in a constructive, effective manner. That way the conversation can keep flowing in a healthy, open way without triggering any negative responses or emotions.

[@nathalieangela3457]

I’m FA, partner is DA. We reconnected 5 months ago when he told me he misses me but knows he isn’t good for me. He also said that he isn’t sure if he can meet all my needs and wants of what I deserve in a relationship. He tried really hard for months, and now he’s pulling away. He responds and reassures he wants to see me and seems very loving in person, but doesn’t reach out. I wonder if it has anything to do with him not being able to meet my needs perfectly recently. Any idea on what kind of text message I could send? When he was like this in the past, I’d break up over text, and I don’t want to repeat the same pattern

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing this experience. It seems like your partner is trying to connect and get close to you, but is lacking the necessary skills to feel safe. And on your end, it is frustrating to feel stuck in a pattern. Why do think this keeps happening?

[@nathalieangela3457]

I think lack of communication is a big factor. When I notice this cycle starting, I try and remain calm but I think he can sense it. We are both extremely busy and live an hour away, his job is very demanding. Upon reconnecting he was scared he can’t “meet and exceed” my needs. I try and reassure him that nothing needs to be exceeded, but when he gets too busy, I think he fears me running away and therefore retreats. It’s hard to interpret it because I fear he is losing interest.

[@nathalieangela3457]

I expressed my needs in the positive and he really showed up for a few months. Then maybe when he has to cancel here or there, he gets nervous and retreats and I am unsure how to address it.

[@devonbirsky5482]

My ex and I just started talking again and he is very hesitant and now is starting a job far away. What can we do if we are long distance if he even agrees to try again? Please help, i am anxious but have done a lot of work to be more secure and i believe he is seeing that.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I encourage you to send me an email at [e-mail] so we can discuss this in private and in more detail. I would be happy to help!

[@brookeb3188]

Your links to your websites state the “domain expired” and are not opening

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, the domain service provider went through an update last night and did cause a brief issue with the site. It should be fixed now! adamlanesmith.com/

[@debr2475]

Does always accusing partners of cheating, a part of being an avoidant man?

[@lovewithcharlotte]

Do you train Coaches?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am happy to work with anybody who wants to improve their attachment and learn how to build fulfilling relationships. You’re welcome to send me an email at [e-mail], let’s talk.

[@jenniferbujak2307]

what about a wife who is anxious avoidant or possibly a combo, married to a avoidant man. He is the one who doesn’t want sex, and is not big on any kind of intimacy. 15 years together and i have had so much rejection in this area that i battle with remaining in forgiveness- God help me 😅also he confided in me that sexual interactions/intimacy was a issue in past relationships but he didn’t tell me that till many years into the relationship

[@tnilemusic]

It’s no longer legally required to say yes to your husband or wife in a marriage thankfully. I think it’s a dangerous message to send both men and women that you are beholden to say yes once you get married. Marital rape is unfortunately all too common and thrives on this idea.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're absolutely right. Absolutely no one should ever be forced to have sex, and marital rape is a serious issue. What are your thoughts on clear communication and consent in relationships?

[@tnilemusic]

@@AttachmentAdam I think consent is essential, but unfortunately, with power dynamics being what they are a lot of traditional relationships can’t actually have consent in the sense that if there isn’t a balance of power, then consent is meaningless.

[@joygibbons5482]

Well as an avoidant woman listening to this leaves me deeply relieved and grateful that I’m single, and will remain so till the grave.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why is that?

[@TheBraunzone]

Because many "avoidant women " only pretend to want a full relationship.

[@slidewayzevoix]

lol aaaaaaand theeeeN?

[@redlionplumbing]

Step 1 - Leave. You deserve better.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you say that?

[@RobertRiley-j2m]

How do I tell my avoidant gf that a comment she made is bothering me and I don't want to start a fight by asking and the question makes me feel very unconfident @AttachmentAdam

[@AttachmentAdam]

It depends what kind of avoidant she is, and how severe. Many ethical avoidant people take it well if you can say something along the lines of, "Something you said has been really bothering me and I want to clear it up so we can move past it. Do you have ten minutes to talk it through?" And they resonate well if you speak in terms of feeling disrespected, because they can understand that feeling and take it seriously. This is NOT the case for all avoidant people, of course, and more severe cases might spike and become defensive out of fear of being blamed during the discussion, while manipulative avoidants, may blame you for feeling disrespected and double down, making things worse. That makes this an excellent test of the relationship, to see if she respects you and is willing to work with you to resolve issues.