Avoidants and SHAME (it’s their core attachment wound)

[@jamie-r2034]

My ex left after 12 years & kept saying I was perfect & didn't do anything wrong & it was all her. Numerous times she mentioned feeling shame. She broke up by a text too. Now i understand

[@christinestafiej2703]

You deserve d lbetter friend!! No one deserves to be broken up with by a text! Coward! No excuses! Especially after 12 years!!! They did you a favor run and don't look back!!! 🙏🙏🙏

[@jamie-r2034]

@christinestafiej2703 i appreciate it! It's been 3 months now & i sleep/eat perfectly fine now. We have a child together, so i can't avoid her completely or else Id never talk to her again. I also got the old "id be hurt if you dated other girls right now." Hahaha. I literally laughed. How can you break up your family & then play the victim if i go out with other women?!?! Lop

[@robertadcox8419]

I would not believe what you said in this segment but i saw it first hand. She was her worst own enemy. Everything good that happened would be shredded back to "it" meant nothing to me. At first this would upset me but over time of seeing this pattern I began to feel sorry for her. In the end I gave up on her. She would then come back only to fall back into dismissive traits. You have to love yourself in order to love someone else.

[@AnaCardenas-f9d]

The one I tried to have a relationship with was very charismatic and confident and searched for surface level external validation. But when it came to feelings, he ran.

[@radfordwhite6337]

Same as my ex wife

[@BlackWolf-gk8sn]

The paradox part is. With their toxic behaviour and ruining other peoples life. They really just giving themselfes a reason to be ashamed of themselfes. Because it is shameful to treat another person like trash. Especially if this person never did something bad to them. Self fufilled proficy.

[@brennam954]

Yes, they are the ultimate self-sabotagers.

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

I loved my ex unconditionally. He couldn’t love himself. He was very deeply shamed about his life and couldn’t get past it. In public, he would avoid me because he didn’t want his children or ex wife to know he was dating yet again (monkey branching). Thank you coach for teaching me boundaries. I walked away. I am not someone’s shame!

[@christinestafiej2703]

That's right! I'm a secret too! After 6 years long distance to! I'm a secret to their family friends I have to meet him at a hotel I can't go to their house in case their friends see me that's a crock of shit! I met someone's embarrassment I'm not someone's shame I have confidence and I love talking to people and meeting people I'm not going to hide and be someone's secret because of their insecurities Go get help!!

[@petersouza6554]

THEY HAVE TO BE WILLING TO CONFRONT THR CORE WOUND OF SHAME, TO HEAL, AS I AM DOING, AS THE ANXIOUS, I HAVE THE SAME CORE WOUNDS, MB THATS WHY I HAVE SUCH EMPATHY

[@cherylwilsherlimberlife7210]

I beleive shame, is a trauma response, a defence mechanism, from original wound of being toxicly shamed..

[@BlackWolf-gk8sn]

It is. But only if you let this get in your believe system. And one can totally work on that.

[@starchoo4616]

Fear, weak, coward, a runner, emotions immature, slow process thinking, play stupid game to hide their true self...this is type of avoidant people

[@jamalcole1985]

Fortunately, that's their problem😂

[@miguelsargent-rivas5430]

Exactly. That's their problem not ours. It's the most exhausted dynamic ever . At the end it's their loss.

[@MystoRobot]

Empathy man, learn it.

[@jamalcole1985]

@MystoRobot We have the will power to decided who to empathize with. Please think before you speak, buddy. You have no clue what my background is. I can show you links, etc, contributing to my community. I'll give you an E for effeort.

[@chelseajackman7730]

I kinda feel bad for them all, ya know? Like, yeah, they're capable of inflicting terrible pain in others and that's not right at all, but to constantly feel ashamed of existing, feeling like an utter disappointment as a son or daughter, wanting happiness but feeling deep down you're not even worthy to breathe the air when someone else deserves it more ... idk, I kinda get it. As a Chiron archetype my instinct is to fix, which I know now that I can't, but I can *sort of* understand why avoidants are capable of these types of things. They were taught better, but they were simultaneously made to feel like being a good person is a standard they could never hope to reach. It's heartbreaking tbh.

[@Knud451]

How do you actually open up the talk about shame, self esteem etc. with them to find out if they're first of all willing to talk and secondly work on it?

[@frederickschott2059]

My ex is so sick. I am not equipped to help her.

[@MystoRobot]

Shame AND fear :(

[@Nonfiction.Reader]

Thanks Coach Ryan! 👏👏

[@panthercat38]

How do you deal with an avoidant who is addicted to their shame? It was like I was the other person, his first love was his shame.

[@harry-james-books]

@RayRayNDemUSA This

[@hoasjhdfiadsf]

Can you make one on Avoidants and long distance relationships

[@harry-james-books]

Every relationship with an Avoident is long distance, even when they live a mile away

[@SherriFlemming]

Good point on distance. Jonathon Aslay, Evan Marc Katz and Ken Reid clinician have podcasts on LDRs . Commitmentphobia Explained Men Who Can't Love podcast 🌞 ( based on the book Men Who Can't Love by Stephen A Carter) - avoidant attachment He's Scared She's Scared by Stephen A Carter -avoidant attachment Proximity is continuity where you live.

[@AineeZahra-ww5sk]

❤❤

[@AWA89r]

Questions for (severely) dismissive avoidant. After a long marriage and children, how did it feel to plunge right into rebound/new relationship? Do you miss your former partner more or do you feel happy about the rebound? If you miss your kids at all? In addition to being detached from the kids, my ex rushed into rebound with a high school acquaintance he hasn't seen over thirty years. He stopped sexting me twelve years ago; all he did was isolated, distanced himself, blindside me, and claim that I was controlling him. If the kids are with me, he now spends every night at the rebound’s place, he does everything opposite he did to me.

[@tampaolo79]

Meaningless ! It’s empty … rebounds are like numbing drugs … Move on !

[@anthonyc5039]

They don’t seem to bond with oxytocin so the dopamine rush of a new relationship is all they have. Eventually that will run out and the rebound will be discarded

[@captasn4359]

It’s not serious with her that’s why he’s always over there. As soon as it SEEMS serious to him he’ll bail on it. Or he’ll stay in it and do the same thing to her that he did to you

[@tampaolo79]

@ exactly