When anxious dumps the avoidant

[@mgtowsoldier8673]

If your not anxious.....you will be after a relationship with an avoident.....cut them loose for your own mental health...

[@PuddyKatMan]

It has been said that some secure people turn anxious in relationship with them to your point. However, secure are also more apt to leave when they see the distance and other behaviors that show up from the avoidant. It’s the anxious ones (me!) that usually stay around and get hurt. Not anymore. I’ve had my last dose and it was a doosey.

[@marandaharville5206]

This is soooo true!! Lol!! Breaking point reached!! ❤🙏🏼

[@andreaclayton]

So true. I didn’t think I was anxious until being jerked around by a DA for two years. I ended things a few months back but should have done it a year+ ago! Nonetheless, I AM proud of myself and looking forward to a secure partnership in the future. 🎉

[@PuddyKatMan]

@andreaclayton Awesome job of choosing yourself over a toxic partner.

[@emlijo]

Same goes to say the other way around. If your not avoidant…. You will certainly become one after a relationship with an ambivalent

[@zeynepguney2021]

I was just waiting for this video. I,m the anxious one but I reached my limit and finally chose myself. Thank you for this content 🙏🏻

[@gemmaburns6407]

Was you an anxious before?

[@cherylwilsherlimberlife7210]

Celebrating you 🎉 may you find healing in relationship

[@PuddyKatMan]

👏 👏 👏 👏

[@tomremes3615]

Coach Ryan, you have been so helpful to me. I've watched hundreds of videos and read dozens of books on this topic over the years. My DA of 10 years, left me for the 6th time, even though we were in couples therapy. This time though she jumped into a new relationship and is posting on FB how joyful and great this new guy is. Meanwhile I'm like WTH? I was pretty great? Absolutely soul crushing and ego destroying. The way you speak to the camera with a kind, understanding voice has made me to adopt the same voice in my own self talk. I do deserve better. I wish I didn't try so many times to help her heal her inner child wounds... Instead I'm the one that is hurt. Please people, don't take them back, find someone who will put the same effort into you as you would into them.

[@gracetomaszczyk2145]

Just wanted to let you know you arent alone. They leave us feeling as if they removed us from their lives like they would remove trash. And the job they left us with is to repair ourselves. Its my lesson of 2024. I never want to have Anything to do with these sorts of people. They are completely incapacitated to handle intimacy. They are damaged rotten apples That are Not worth picking Up No matter how shiny they look. Be glad you are free of her & That She has another victim. You are free & you have a bright future. HUGS from Poland

[@PuddyKatMan]

I’m sorry you went through this. The growth and wisdom that will be gained will help lead you to a partner who reciprocates love and affection to you.

[@tomremes3615]

@@gracetomaszczyk2145 So kind. Thank you and bless you.

[@gracetomaszczyk2145]

@@tomremes3615 ❤️🙏

[@cecilang9721]

You sound like a great guy, the kind of loyal caring empathetic man I would want to date. But somehow the ones I see are always with b*tches that don’t treat them well. And I want to ask you since you took her back so many times after she abandoned you, what was so amazing about her? I never get it.

[@BryonyWalker]

I am glad to see I am not the only one who reached a limit and couldn’t go any further with the relationship (let’s be honest, situationship).

[@mimihernandez9413]

I have been with an avoidant for 10 months. I learned about attachment styles after we started having issues. He love bombed me at the beginning, and I loved it. Sex is still amazing, and I think that's was making it it hard to let go. When we are together, there's so much love and affection,bonding. Once he leaves my home,he clocks out, and I go back to being lonely and sad.

[@poushalimaitra6323]

Yes its very difficult to cut the sexual trauma bond. But its possible when you start healing.

[@livbar]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.... Similar... I see my avoidant bf twice a week at the most... it's nice and fun when we are together... then.. it's like I don't really exist.. He doesn't call me... rarely texts.. it's mostly me texting.. he goes 12-15 hours without responding... I'm afraid to say I miss him or to ask for more time because I don't want to overwhelm him... Never been so frustrated & confused in my life.. It's been a year and I just cannot imagine another year living this way...

[@geemail369]

​@@livbar Communicate your needs, try to find solutions _with_ him. Then set boundaries, and finally leave if it doesn't work out. Just talk to him along the way how you see things not/working so he's always on par regarding the state of your relationship. If your demands are reasonable and he knows how this is affecting you negatively, don't crapfit yourself to a situation that keeps you on the edge.

[@marguskiis7711]

When you dump him and you find another man then the avoidant man starts call you and write you and persuade you back.

[@maureenm6137]

A DA will sometimes almost push their partner to break up with them by amping up their dismissive- avoidant behaviour. It’s almost as though it’s relieving for them not to be the ‘bad guy’. It’s all very hurtful and childish 😞

[@Healingpawsss]

@@maureenm6137 haha yes! They will often not even take the responsibility to break up. They will just suck the life out of you and neglect you until you’ve had enough. So that they can so minimal work 🐇🌼.

[@emlijo]

True. But it’s not because it’s relieving ”not to be the bad guy”, it’s because they have such a deep, unconcious belief that their partner will leave them (particularly when the relationship becomes really important for them). So it’s their unconcious part that try to save them from being hurt (or actually from dying). It’s a deep, deep wound and it’s their defence mechanism stepping in big time, just like mentioned in the video. We all have our inner child inside us and the avoidant’s inner child has learnt this was the only way to survive as a child, an actual choice between life and death for them once in their lifetime. It was the thing that saved them as a child/baby. So it’s not easy to let go of something that once saved your life.

[@Saylerk9]

Leave them. Block them on everything. They dont change. You will always come up short.

[@Gina-t5u]

I appreciate the clarity of this video. I had tried for nearly 3 years to change the mind and heart of an avoidant partner. I came at it from every angle, thinking that perhaps I could say or do something profound to 'make' him realize that he'd be so much happier if we were together. I know don't need to prove my worth to earn any partner's affection, but for now it helps to see videos like this as a reminder.

[@rubberducky1507]

They are mad .. and they are glad we left .They really don’t care.. not one bit we left . I thanked him for not caring and he is making it easier to move on .

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

Last line, very true

[@sarahkhan6742]

It's far better to be alone then being with avoidant

[@kennethjmcarthur2428]

Love this individual and how he clearly describes these issues. I left my avoidant recently. Was very aware of the one sidedness yet I, a Cappie, also recognized the incredible positive aspects of this Aries lady. I knew my dignity and self-worth demanded I withdraw but also saw the sadness in abandoning a potential relationship with an incredible lady that could not come to fruition. I struggle every day. Her avoidance issues do not denounce her still being a beautiful person. Understanding her issues makes it that much more difficult to pull back. God I love her. I know any reconciliation will require my boundaries being respected. How could I not entertain the possibility? Thank you, Coach Ryan for spelling it out so clearly.

[@bobmccarter4135]

Well put

[@mary_canary]

Cappies always try their best (self-bias speaking here 😅!). We fight tooth and nail for what we love and value, protect the weak and defy injustice. So if it doesn't work out, it's unlikely (only) your fault. Or perversely, it could be, if you "tried too hard", overwhelmed and scared the other person, and "overdid it", as I've been told. With Aries, I don't know... perhaps a Virgo, Taurus or a Cancer would be a better match...

[@PuddyKatMan]

Amazing video. I was the anxious broken up with by an avoidant woman. I am standing strong and working on earning my secure attachment.

[@maryblue75]

Thank you this video was just for me. I am in this situation of overthinking. Yes i dont need to be perfect to get reciprocation. Yes he did act self-focused, and i recognized it . I wish it would be differently, so much, i believed in that person and how beautifully we were together.

[@maryblue75]

Stay strong. Likewise here on the opposite gender.

[@Healingpawsss]

Yeah. The inconsistency, stonewalling, not showing up for important conversations, not prioritizing me enough, not calling when he said he would etc… repeatedly. It got too much for me. I loved him SO much but I felt worried and insecure and not valued in the relationship.

[@livbar]

I've never felt what it was like to not feel affection reciprocated... Never had a partner not prioritize me/us... It feels so odd... strange.. disconnected. .. He never calls me... I'm always initiating texts... he takes 12-15 hours to respond... Sex is fun and all.. but other than that... the rest of the time I'm constantly in my mind wondering how much longer I can take it.. The very few times he told me he missed me or thst he thinks about me, he was drunk... Words.. words.. It took him 5 months after we met to lean over and whisper "you are loved ".. He was high on ecstasy... he could not even say i love you to my face... I will never date another avoidant... It's worse than being with a person with borderline personality disorder...

[@Healingpawsss]

@ That sounds so tough and lonely! Feeling lonely and abandoned and not important is what i experienced the most through my time with an avoidant. I was like you, I had never experienced this type of thing before so I didn’t know how to handle it or how it would affect me. Now I know that I would set boundaries and ask for change pretty fast if I found a new partner doing similar things. If that person wouldn’t change or be willing to discuss the problems and solutions deeper I would let them go fast. In order to not get stuck in the relationship and have it damaging my mental health for a long time 🍒.

[@hempmaiden]

So insightful - unbelievable how he is able to articulate such complex issues

[@michelletwichell8472]

My FA ex kept saying he had an expiration date of a year, that he wanted me to know we wouldn't make it a year. Then he discarded me after 8 months. Should have believed him and ran fast in the beginning but didn’t know about FAs. Lesson learned

[@drc4563]

This is wonderful. Thank you!

[@Faith-sr8zw]

I was anxious attached but I have always been the person to actually end it with someone especially my on and off situationship with a dismissive avoidant

[@livbar]

I hope I'm strong like you one day...

[@Dam-rd9kw]

Thank you, this is my story except I don't feel guilty for ending it he forced my hand and now he can live with the consequences.

[@IndigoHazelnut]

When one person starts to heal their attachment and the partner is still operating from their unhealthy attachment, that's when the break up tends to happen. Anyone operating from an unhealthy attachment will blame the partner for 'giving up' on the relationship and for dumping them.

[@geemail369]

You're walking the tightrope between getting to know somebody and false promises here. The elements of starting to see somebody for what they really are after the initial rush of a relationship and you yourself starting/keeping to grow are *key* to be aware of. Open communication of upcoming concerns early on is _the _*_only_*_ way_ of making your partner partake in adressing issues. But covert contracts, emotional avoidance and naively hoping for everything just staying the way it initially is, forever, are a recipe for desaster.

[@Z.Robespierre]

Your right, they are self centered and only think of themselves. Mine prioritized a friendship and a trip to Jamaica 4 months of dating but a month of being official. We knew each other for a year prior so we were actually both seeing each other so the relationship to begin. I was second class cause I saw her once every 2-3 weeks meanwhile the friend was 1-2 a week. If they are a decent human being, they would ask what you think about them going on a girl trip (which did end in disaster, btw) or better yet invite your nrw partner that you care about too. So both you and your best friend can enjoy so its the best of both world's instead of me being left behind. She said "I didnt think it was a big deal" yet even dating and now in a relationship your words and actions effect each other. I never met her best friend even after being with her for 4 years. She never invited me out with them or planned a day where us 3 are having fun. Thank you Coach Ryan! I was self blaming but now realize that she only cared about herself and what makes her feel good yet if the roles were in reverse. I would have gone to Jamaica with me friend. The only difference is... I'd invite her cause in a relationship big things like that is for a team. Weather she wanted to come or not that her choice as a person with free will but the offer should have been there of me. You are right! They have a whats in it for me attitude vs my AP its about whats in it for US if you go and make big decisions like that or ingore your partner's views and concerns. Once I threatened to end the relationship then she was upset and crying because she never knew I was unhappy until I told her my concerns all the time just to be shut down and bottle them up till my breaking point. She ended up breaking up with me and abandoneding me. Some will try once you threaten to end it and some won't the same thing is that they see how much they damaged you and hurt you. But they break up on text and never check up on how your feeling after the breakup. STAY SINGLE! Don't ruin people's minds and make then second class. Everyone thinks she was wrong and selfish in the beginning and during the whole relationship. If we are in the Holy Bible. Sucure people are normal, Us AP's are Job and Dismissive Avoidant Lucifer.....

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

Nothing is big deal for them. Not even abandoning the person they claim to love.

[@TeeHolmes532]

Why do I feel like you’re talking directly about me (anxious attachment) literally this whole scenario. Whoa!!!! 5:10

[@Lisascott-xv6gi]

I needed to hear that

[@TantricMuse11]

I always enjoy your wisdom. Thank you

[@believedragons_]

Coach Ryan speaks the truth. I found out I was an anxious attacher after dating a dismissive avoidant ex. And I was the one who dumped her after I set boundaries and my needs weren't met. Plus, it was even more complicated due to them not being over their ex. It was a hot and cold situation for a few months. Every time it was getting serious, distance and coldness were shown. Even if we talked things over (she even opened about her traumatic past), their actions did not match up with the boundaries that were placed. In fact, it made it worse. So I ended it and yes, I did feel proud for putting myself first but damn it, it's hard to not to think what could've been done differently or if I was insensitive given the situation. But that's 'cause they had me hooked since the first day I met them with an out of this world connection. They genuinely will make you feel like they're your soulmate until feelings get involved. It's been a month and I still miss her. I hope my experience helps someone in some way. It'll get better.

[@AJcyrus24]

I got dumped by one and it's been 21 months and I haven't recovered yet.

[@tommeehan4061]

@@AJcyrus24have you been trying to improve your life? Such as gym/diet improving your finance situation and forcing yourself to do things that you previously wouldn’t? Or are you just dwelling thinking you’re owed something?

[@AJcyrus24]

@@tommeehan4061 yeah, I'm doing my studies and also I cycle and run a lot.

[@gemmaburns6407]

Thank you for this! This is how it is for me after 5yrs! I ended things for the 3rd time 6mths ago, amazing for the 1st 18mths then they pull away, I turned into someone unrecognisable an anxious mess, lost my job because I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I went down to 6stone! He’s now back full of promises and how things will be different but I can’t and won’t go back there I’m happy confident and back to myself and another 3stone heavier lol 😊

[@PuddyKatMan]

May you stand strong and attract a new love who reciprocates love and support in a way that makes you feel valued and cherished.

[@gemmaburns6407]

@ ❤️

[@hotamolly72]

I just did this! It felt so empowering and he immediately replied to tell me the door is always open. 😮

[@Audrey-k2h]

Of course😂

[@AlaAla-kb7df]

This poor guy doesn't even realize how lucky he is getting rid of a person that's happy by seeing him feeling bad

[@livbar]

Would you go back?

[@hotamolly72]

@livbar great question! It would take a lot of shadow work and effort on his part... and a release of a third party. Trust has been compromised and would be tough to rebuild. He said hi didn't want a commitment then mey someone and immediately said he was only focusing on her for now. Good luck! He will repeat his pattern with her.

[@AWA89r]

I dumped him after he never responded and respected to my needs! He’s my ex husband of 18 years together, all he did to me at home just isolate himself, no sex 12 years! He now over the place wanted to move farther away and giving up on the kids! He’s been seeing therapy for a year but nothing help! I was in no contact for 3 months, he still mad at me that I filed divorce!

[@SkinWzrd]

I'm the anxious one and my husband is DA. He left me in the middle of the night 5 months ago. He won't talk or see me. Ghosting and stonewalling. We've been together for over 30 years. I'm done. Planning to file for a divorce next month. It's been extremely painful but I can't go through this any longer.

[@bmswomn68]

After 30 years that's terrible behaviour. I can't imagine 30 years with someone like that. Let go and let love in again. You are worth it Merry Christmas 🤶 🎄

[@kennethjmcarthur2428]

Sorry to hear.

[@hellomybaby7486]

Has he done this throughout the 30 years in and out? Or first time ?

[@SkinWzrd]

@@hellomybaby7486 The last time he left it was around 11 years ago. We were having serious problems then when he came back we both had changed for the better ,it was wonderful but it went back to us being distant. I never knew anything about DA. I'm just finding out about attachment styles.

[@sarahkhan6742]

Yes I have dumped the avoidant

[@Doidao-xx5vf]

As an avoidant everytime I’ve been dumped I never really cared.

[@messtika-581]

Thank you for the heads up, Now goodbye 🤍🙏

[@petegallegos5097]

You finally made a video that is how it happened But I am still a mess 6 months later. Can’t even date other women without thinking of her

[@PuddyKatMan]

That may last for a while but in time, it will go away.

[@Debra-oz4zs]

Oh my God! If your an avoidant just leave people alone! How embarassing!!!

[@ajadegirl]

I love ur videos thank u 🙏

[@kassia3256]

Spot on 👍

[@Andyange]

This was me.

[@petersouza6554]

LOVE THIS!

[@mary_canary]

8:24 will try to do this ✅️ , thanks!

[@yippierb]

I wish I had 35 years ago.

[@LaBrujaDeSaTuRnO]

Thank you

[@zeusimgreek2619]

lol I did that and best thing ever

[@hayshallman5903]

Avoidant people tend to end up being narcissists and sleep around they are the ones that usually end up being happy in situationships!! They are stagnant and have no future.

[@emlijo]

More like the opposite, the anxious/ambivalent craving attention and if their partner doesn’t meet their overly dependent needs, the anxious/ambivalent just get those needs met elsewhere.

[@emlijo]

An avoidant can go years being single and happy all alone

[@Doidao-xx5vf]

@@emlijo therapists have told me I’m a dismissive avoidant and I’ve been single for 8 years and I absolutely love it. I ain’t dealing with the drama of relationships. I love my peace of mind. This for some reason bothers people and makes them changing my mind a challenge, when it doesn’t work they get upset 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@Audrey-k2h]

Love it!😂

[@heck4984]

ty

[@francescad.4448]

What if both partners are both …we attract what we are….most of the time

[@francescad.4448]

As an avoidant I totally 💯 agree with everything you said… about the childhood environment and so on… And indeed I assume totally that the heartless 🐚 shell is a self preservation mechanism for not getting hurt in the end I believe that we do love and give too much….passionately 😂 in our own misunderstood ways….even if we know that it’s temporary….all good things come to an end The right partner might be the one that no matter what happens in the relationship accepts that infinit coming and going….As we always come back in the end and maybe that’s what makes the relationship so intensely passionate…..

[@RancidPetals23]

I like your beard

[@emlijo]

I’m not sure if this is a channel for anxious people and I don’t know why it was in my recommended. But I think the video is too negative about the avoidant and put the blame too much on the avoidant. It’s always two people, and an anxious person are as much to blame as the avoidant if/when the relationship doesn’t work. Both people have childhood wounds, no one is better than the other. Both of them mostly don’t do things to hurt the other person, but to survive (which can be hurtful for the other person). I dated an anxious/ambivalent person. Which in the end didn’t meet my needs. I made several attempts to talk about it but in the end gave up and I just started to avoid the relationship and my feelings ”dissapeared” (I suppressed my feelings to save myself from hurt). That’s when I got dumped. It’s a complex situation and this is only one way to look at it. I understand it was just not a one way street and not only one person’s fault. I probably hurt them in ways which I can’t fully comprehend, which probably was the reason they started to push me away in the beginning (as a form of a boundary). Even though in my dark times, I really want to blame them and I tell myself that they never really cared and never liked me. But I know that is not true. I’m trying to heal my own childhood wounds. We probably had different love languages as well, so we couldn’t see/feel or apprecieate the love and efforts the other person put in to the relationship. There were also deeper issues. My fear of completely trusting someone and not being able to fully rely on someone and understand they can love me and want to be there for me. Their fear of thinking that they’re not good enough and that they’re not wanted and appreciated, and that the other person is better off without them. Regardless everything, I still love them and I’m still deeply in love with them.