Avoidants, Moving In & Ghosting in Relationships with Mike Di Zio

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In today’s “Can This Be Fixed” feature on The Thais Gibson Podcast, Thais is joined by co-host Mike DiZio to respond to a range of interesting questions from the audience.
How can you recognize a persons’ attachment style on a first date?
What do you do if your dismissive avoidant partner doesn’t want to live together?
And what should you do if you notice you’re farther along on your healing journey that someone else?
Tune in to hear the answers to all these questions and stick around to listen to personal stories you might relate to!
Let’s connect!
/ @thepersonaldevelopmen...
/ thaisgibson
/ thepersonaldevelopment...
/ thepersonaldevelopment...

[@jessebohannon7084]

It blows my mind how I didn’t see my own avoidant side for the longest time. I identified the exes who pushed me away, but didn’t notice how I pushed more anxious partners away myself. Really kicking myself on how I sabotaged my last relationship with a great girl who was trying really hard to love me. I hurt her so much she hates me now. 😢

[@gregorystinette8271]

I'm attracted to DAs because of their independent & and self-reliant behavior. Shalom

[@sshuteandrew]

I’m loving this new format! It’s so insightful and interesting to have the two of you sharing your stories and advice in a conversational way.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

That part with wanting to get a house with someone but have different bedrooms or spaces to retreat is so relatable! I test secure now and I still feel this way. I love cuddling but sleep so much better when I'm alone. ❤

[@Kinteresting]

SAAAAAAAAAME

[@BetterLoveMovement]

SAME‼️I’m a healing FA who is almost Secure and I STILL want to share a home with my significant other but want us to have separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms.😂

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@BetterLoveMovement my grandmother was in a relationship with a man for about 30 years and they lived in separate houses in different towns. 😂 They were committed and monogamous, but they were both married before and just wanted to enjoy their own space while seeing each other a few days a week and holidays. I loved this. I can probably live with someone, but we need to retreat back to our rooms after cuddling. Lol

[@untamedwildhorse]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes People like you that feel this way, should really be upfront about it. For those of us that don't feel like that, we wouldn't think to even ask if this is a preference.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@untamedwildhorse I'm literally always upfront. I hide nothing. This isn't a new thing either. People have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for many years. My friend's grandparents have always done it and stayed together their entire lives. So has my son's grandparents. It's just a preference for some. I can sleep together for part of the night, but it's never restful unless I'm alone.

[@KweenTAC]

I found this conversation so helpful. I've ordered the book. Sending gratitude for the UK

[@PatODonnell-gk9sx]

It is a joy watching you both! Thank you for all your insight ❤

[@georockstar09]

15:00 it's not to see if we'll get rejected. It's because we like you and feel comfortable with you and want to share our PTSD with you. "Do you have childhood trauma? I have childhood trauma." Unlike Vietnam war vets, though, who can (and will) talk about the Vietnam war only with other war vets who truly get it, for FA''s, everyone has had a childhood, and anyone might've been abused. If we don't truly feel comfortable with you, we don't share our trauma with you. It's just how we open up vulnerably. For others it's intense. For us it's just a huge core of who we are and what happened to us, and was our "normal" for so much time that actual "normal" feels frivolous and meaningless. To us. Because joy was frowned upon in our childhood. I don't mean to generalize either. My FA experience may be different from others.

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

I get it

[@differentyetsame]

These segments and discussions are so appreciated 🙌🏽 🙏 FA here, my ex DA

[@jonathanvermillion7263]

This is helpful thank you

[@trainman2860]

I have a close friend who is an FA. This is so helpful. Thank you.

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Loving these podcasts ❤

[@vicklou]

Thais, you are awesome! Just in case you don't get told enough! What's so interesting, I'm finally learning at 50+, is the childhood means certain attachment style, certain characteristics (I'm such a typical FA you described), certain physical body ailments, certain hormonal imbalances. All these things are linked, but what's at root? Fix the security & fix all the other things?

[@tmreaves1]

I am an AP who was involved with a DA. I find that even telling them about their attachment style there is some defensiveness. It was a situation where it seems as if there was no compromising. On top of that they lost their mother then there was depression and grief. It was way too much for me.

[@Laura-ci3jr]

❤❤❤❤❤❤ love itt

[@DawnWilsonVideos]

DAs don’t ask really deep questions. They may say “how about you” in response to a question you’ve asked but they won’t initiate those questions.

[@anothercat9600]

Then I'm not an AP as I thought, haven't discussed future the first 8 dates. But I'm definitely more speedy than a DA. OR, you guys actually mean some narcissists. They will definitely cling more the first dates.

[@Natalie-td2mq]

My partner turned away when we went to go to sleep every time for the first couple of months we were together 😅 id never experienced that before(he doesn't now )

[@ErikAdalbertvanNagel]

Date with an avoidant, especially DA. Feels like a job interview.

[@carleylintner9]

What if the person is Autistic?

[@lilove6560]

Clarifying question for Mike: would a DA appreciate a conversation after being in radio silence after a year? He ghosted me. I am AP now leaning secure.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Maybe they'll read this question out loud in a future video. In the meantime, I wouldn't talk to anyone who ghosted me a year ago regardless of attachment style. What's the point? They will know that they can get away with disappearing on you without any repercussions and will likely do it again.

[@lilove6560]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Life is too short for regrets. It would be a kindness for both of us to clear the air.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@lilove6560 if you need to do it for yourself for some sort of closure than go for it. If you're hoping for a change of heart from him or expecting any sort of response then you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

[@ANME1rocker]

What do secure people do on dates?

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Thais would be able to answer better, but I feel like there is a certain demeanor with a secure person. Calm, balanced in the conversation where they are equally as curious about you as you are about them. Not too eager yet not too stand offish. I typically don't feel any type of anxiety around them either. I feel like unhealed attachments kind of tell on themselves straight away and the air feels different around a secure person. You might not get extreme feelings of excitement or eagerness, but you will enjoy your time and feel a sense of calm around them.

[@DobermanDanK9]

​@SunshineAndSnowflakes You're spot on. As a secure individual myself, there's a president of calmness and easy goingness about my interactions. I'm being my authentic self, if this date goes south, I know I have the skill set to either communicate or know this isn't the connection for me. I've been told I'm like an old man literally every time I've met someone new 😆

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@DobermanDanK9 funny because years ago...even a year ago before I started my healing journey, some secure men seemed so boring to me as I craved excitement. Now the turbulence is a turn off and calmness is all I crave. That's how I know I've healed a huge part of myself. Good for you for being secure. It's nice to no longer want the push and pull type of dynamic.

[@DobermanDanK9]

@SunshineAndSnowflakes Yeah, after a connection with an avoidant (even though I acted quite securely, it certainly does bring anxiety out because of the push/pull, etc), I now realise what behaviours, characters, etc I don't want to connect to. I'm a big believer in things 'happen for a reason'... These connections definitely open your eyes to self development

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@DobermanDanK9 yes exactly. If it wasn't for the DA/FA in my life, I would have never joined PDS to become secure. He triggered tf out of me. I had a lot of wounds I needed to deal with and I'm grateful for what we had so I could face my own demons. I know I've gotten better because we were talking again and he came in hot, but once we saw each other he started laying low again. I know he worries about triggering me because I was a FA, so his pulling back might be his own self-protection because of how many times I left the relationship out of nowhere, so I don't feel right putting all the blame on him. The thing is, I've evolved and grown quite a bit and he seems to still need the novelty. I swear he thrives off the anxiety of not seeing me more than actually seeing me. Either way, I don't want the rollercoaster ride anymore.

[@andyherod653]

For anyone confused: DA = Selfish, thoughtless partner

[@andyherod653]

Also, the answer to this podcast’s title question is yes. Run.

[@MilesIncognito]

huh. ok, now do your quick summary of the anxious partner. Just curious to see how evenly balanced your views are.

[@Kinteresting]

AP = selfish, thoughtless partner that comes from a space of ‘big feelings’ and being ‘loving’ while trying to control, deflect and obsess over the deficits of the other while also maintaining an under the radar approach as long as no one catches on to the neurotic needling behavior and if it is societally approved so.. Basically we are all the same!!! Yay!!! Congratulations fellow humans figuring out how to be humans :)

[@Kinteresting]

Sorry that was meant to be humorous guys but it was actually pretty rude.

[@Pernikitty]

It feels that way until you stop blaming the other person and start understanding how you’re contributing to the dynamic. Rapid change is possible once you start owning your part.