Why Avoidants Flaw Find & On and Off Relationships with Mike Di Zio

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In this "Can Be Fixed" episode of The Thais Gibson Podcast, Thais and co-host Mike Di Zio address a variety of audience questions, offering insights from their journey of transitioning from formerly avoidant attachment styles to secure ones.
What can you do if you finally enter your first secure relationship, only to worry that your insecure attachment style might resurface?
What can you do if you’re stuck in an on/off relationship that keeps hurting you but that you keep choosing to revisit?
How do you navigate through your own hyper-sensitivities in a romantic relationship?
Tune in to hear the answers and stick around for funny personal dating stories from your hosts.
Let’s connect!
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[@oreokid77]

People who use avoidant dismissive patterns flaw find to create an emotional safe zone imo. When the internal manager has been critical and that was adaptive, it makes sense that it would escape awareness that externalizing that critic would be problematic. Even if that is only in thoughts, with people other than the subject of flaw finding or in private time. The person has developed an overgrown since of self protection that has caused egotistical behaviors to be seen as adaptive. The miscalibrated attachment system is regulated through short circuiting vulnerability rather than building security leading to self fulfilling prophecies. It could all be avoided with simply expressing genuine emotions like "I am having deep feelings for you and that scares me a bit but I want to connect. I may seem strong but in this moment I'm I need to take it slow because I feel overwhelmed." But I guess if they could do that, they would be secure..lol Can't wait to see this discussion! Thanks for all your knowledge and experience.

[@Heyu7her3]

Well all insecure attachment styles are maladaptive, that's why they're "insecure". These insecure attachment behaviors aren't necessarily done maliciously. They also aren't simple to resolve. Oftentimes, it's unknown to the individual how much/ to what extent those opposite behaviors need to be done in order to reverse their trajectory & become more secure.

[@oreokid77]

@@Heyu7her3 that's actually a bit inaccurate my friend. Insecure attachment style can be very adaptive because that doesn't refer to the results of the behavior but instead the divergent development that prioritizes external substitutes over the security of healthy connection. A mother may be very adaptive at managing her family by playing the victim and shaming everyone. The result is that she has complete coercive control of the family members which is adaptive. The attachment style is insecure because it uses disempowering methods to get needs met. It may be easy to make the person aware that there are problems with their behavior but they may not be convinced that giving it up is going to make life better. In that case awareness isn't the problem, insecure attachment is. Its of course maladaptive to be that way for the internal system I would agree with you. Its perfectly adaptive behavior externally tho and currently most diagnostic criteria requires the presence of externally maladaptive behavior that causes the person life detriment, not a disagreeable personality that is unhelpful for a family dynamic. Imo that is simple to resolve. Not easy but definitely simple. What do u think?

[@dclarke2179]

It can be avoided by saying maybe I'm flaw finding and take a bird's eye view of the situation.

[@paljones8631]

Yeah, and anxious preoccupied people should just learn to stand their ground, instead of being the main character in Misery. We could also try to be empathic with people, who have insecure attachment styles, well knowing that non of them is a picnic to deal with. It is easy to blame other's for something not working, but with that hate you have, what could you have done to make things work. Instead of using Dismissive Avoidant as your proof for having been the perfect partner, try to learn about it, and fix your own insecurities.

[@littyinthacity888]

Externalized flaw finding is not egotistical essentially, it's more things we've noticed that are red flags that were dismissed until we are triggered internally. The flaws are real threats to our balance that we dismiss until we get into our fears x out of our feelings. I am DA leaning SA.

[@katharinaheckmann4962]

Thanks for helping us DAs so much❤❤❤🎉

[@CeeP211]

I needed this convo. My ex (FA) dumped me after a year and a half due to political differences, though we weren't that far apart on most things. What made me the most sad was that this came from nowhere. It was abrupt, and he never talked to me about this being a concern. He also misrepresented his political affiliation when we first met and changed it later. He told me he loved our relationship but if our views didn't become more aligned he didn't see a future with me. He also said we could just keep dating and never get married. I knew he was flaw finding as the weeks leading up to it, he shared that he couldn't see us living together because he's an introvert and I'm not. His brother and sister in law got in a big fight and she broke his shoulder. He told me that he could see me being the type of person to be abusive as well, when i am not remotely like that. Ive never even yelled at him during an argument. After the convo, I thanked him for being honest about his feelings and left. This was 4 months ago and we havent spoken since.

[@jenniferkrause8085]

It’s not just you , my DA said because I reactively yelled at him and tried calling him back multiple times to just end things civilly, that he felt threatened and that I was a psychopath that he needed to barricade himself inside his home because I wouldn’t give him his space . The next day I dropped off his key in his mailbox and we haven’t spoken since . It hurts, but made me realize how unwell he is because he felt me yelling for him to stop saying things that were not real and mean. I love him enough as a human to say he needs help. But know enough I’m not able to be it Love and light

[@ryankemp3320]

You might find Ken Reid's content quite useful on this flaw-finding tendency too (and irrational reasons they can come up with for a break up)

[@CeeP211]

​@@ryankemp3320thank you. I will check it out

[@strawberryjam5844]

33:13 I have had exes being very focused on my looks. Avoidants most of them, my mother is also avoidant and she also focuses on my body and how I look. Like just commenting on my body: you have a nice figure, you should do some shoulder exercises, you would have a six pack if you just exercised. You should start running. You should lift weights. When on a diet they ask me about my weight all the time. Oh, you dont like camping? The guy asking that camped once a year with his brother😂 It is exhausting..

[@Trex7124]

Watching for context. Nope pretty confident, I tried all the pointers, being calm, teaching him. He refuses to listen. Had a few breakthroughs when he told me what he wanted but was never grateful unless it was after an arguement. His excuse was that I cleaned the bathroom a week too late, while he put me down over my choice of vehicle, stopped me from cooking coz it wasnt up to his standard (Even though,I needed to learn) "Go back to the van, you cave woman". It ended with me yelling examples, yet again of me telling him how to talk to me like he loved me. He shut down, told me to go. I dont think I'll go back this time. He has been emotionally abusive to get me to do what he wanted. (Was he bluffing this time, who knows, I dont care.. I feel like I deserve to be loved)

[@coppersense999]

Suddenly wondering if this live is where Mike does a surprise reveal ... have to watch and see.

[@lilove6560]

What is the link to the correct Reddit thread? This series is super interesting 💡

[@littyinthacity888]

6week check in is not a good idea for a DA.. too long for all the changes and suppressed emotions. Once a week yes

[@AM-wq2cz]

This looks great

[@amyfigueroa1911]

It’s a painful seasaw

[@daughteroftheking4492]

i always find people like her doing stuff with other man but you never see her husband or partner hahah

[@coppersense999]

Sometimes the partners of public figures don't like the limelight.

[@daughteroftheking4492]

@@coppersense999 right