Signs Your Mother Is A Covert Narcissist & How To Recover

[@a.wherewolf829]

It was so unfair to be treated this way as a child. I deserved love. I was sensitive. I had a soft heart. And she ate it.

[@d33gr4y]

❤ I'm sorry, you deserved so much better. Thank you for searching for the knowledge to know it's not your fault and that you're much better than her.

[@yamlwoz]

I don't think there's any more lonely feeling than being the child of a covert narc. The world sees an angel, so we have nowhere to turn for validation. My husband has finally seen my mother for what she is. It only took him 48 years 😞

[@nicoleowens2318]

Same. My mom used to constantly tell me I wore my heart on my sleeve but terrorized me emotionally and mentally with no regard for that sensitivity whatsoever. I feel your pain and share it. I don't have much to add, I just want to let you know you're not alone. ❤

[@nicoleowens2318]

Same. My mom used to tell me constantly that I wore my heart on my sleeve but had no regard for that sensitivity and terrorized me for my entire life mentally and emotionally. I don't have much to add, but I do want to let you know that you're not alone. ❤

[@twilightgardenspresentatio6384]

Yup

[@sidneylowery1543]

My mom was my biggest bully and supporter. To say that was confusing for me as a child is an immense understatement.

[@amberd.883]

The only way I found out how badly my mom treated me was when I quoted her to my classmates and they'd be appalled.. I thought love was supposed to hurt.

[@mirelam9601]

​@@amberd.883yes..others see that

[@anitamorin6255]

Mine too, I remember all of the favoritism, unfair treatment, comparison games, etc behind the scenes and then playing the good caring concerned parent on the surface for all to see. Yet she always wondered why all the distance, avoidance and resentment I have towards her. If I try to really say what or how I truly, I'm labeled as sensitive, ungrateful, stupid or crazy. Thank goodness I have a part time job that I can accumulate income and a side hustle in the works; now to save enough for a place of my own.

[@Heinz57ish]

Thank you for this comment. I am permanently confused as the insults are always dressed up in it's because I care about you.

[@Bssenterpise]

This!!! I just had to have a discussion with my mom because she’s using the same patterns of behaviour on my children as she did with me. But then I stayed awake all night with guilt because she is always trying to help us or go above and beyond to help us even if we don’t ask for it. So now I feel like an awful kid for bringing it up even though the behaviour is serious (threatening my child, isolating them, making them feel unsafe, and never doing these things in the presence of others or telling them to keep it a secret).

[@elenikominos7404]

It's the worst relationship ever. You become a magnet for narcissists.

[@snowarmth]

Yep... Magnet here. :( It is so difficult. Even having a different interpretation of their values of being kind and considerate is an offense to them. You have to be THEM... because if you were them, then they can take full credit for all of your successes. And you can take fault for everything else. They take everything as a personal attack, including your independence, but they call those who pull away selfish. Narcissists are black holes, and it is not selfish to leave their area of influence. It's a sign of situational awareness, self-preservation and intelligence.

[@whereshallwego793]

@@snowarmth and when you set boundaries, you become a horrible person (possibly on drugs) who is cruel to poor Mum.

[@snowarmth]

It's difficult to give her the benefit of the doubt when she's committed to misinterpreting you and seeing you in the worst possible light. She's biased, so her judgments are askew and invalid, end of story. :x They use the truth to justify their twisted reality. Remember that. Nothing they say is EVER about you or me. It's about holding up their glass narrative at all costs. We are only collateral damage to the black hole. Nothing more.

[@susankalai444]

So true. Sets you up for a lifetime of heartache 💔

[@NarcFreeFinally]

Thats how I ended up married to one who left me 3 times and destroyed every single part of me down to the dirt. Its been 5 years now, and I am finally closing the door on all of it and finding joy in the little corners of my solitary life.

[@Allaboutbaby24]

Summary for myself, hopefully also helpful for others - traits of a covert narcissistic mother: 1. Always the victim and martyr 2. Never admits any wrongdoing 3. Projecting the image of being a perfect mom 4. Can be vindictive and cruel 5. Pathological liar 6. Demands assurance and admiration

[@Mythics1]

This is my mum. I’m 39 and only realising how much she’s poisoned me. I would sit in my car and drink enough until I could go inside. She’s like poison.

[@ashaprilr4859]

I Pray you are healed now 🙏😊​@@Mythics1

[@salty_witch]

Damn. Well there it is.

[@amyleigh7624]

Wow. Hits all points.

[@MikeMadison-z7o]

Me,weeeeeeeeeee. What a mess,they inflict. Cycle just continues and more of them produced.

[@bLueberrySnatcheLpi3]

My moms catch phrase has always been “I’ve never said that” I’m 29 now and would still feel confused if it weren’t for my younger brother. Up until I moved out at 16 he thought I was the worst and always picking fights with my mom. Once I was out of the house he was my moms new target. He actually apologized to me when he turned 18 for thinking I was the bad one, he had to spend 4 years with my mother without me being her target. He makes me feel like I’m not crazy!

[@sallycriss353]

My younger brother apologized to me years ago. We are in our 50s now. At the time he was still a teenager and I was maybe 20. He recognized that he was treated far different than I was by our mother.

[@darleenmarieramos]

In my home we are all liars. Except her. She has been an excellent mother. Every time I bring an issue. She suffers from selective memory. Because she never did or said that.

[@daodejing81]

Funny, that's my mother's catch phrase. Also, you're dreamin

[@gojiberry7201]

My mom would always bring my dad into it: "No, your father and I would NEVER do something like that."

[@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD]

The gaslighting is so pathological. I was so dizzy for so long. My narc recently did it to my 6 year old. When I interceded to back up my daughter’s account (I directly witnessed the matter and because reality she Narc started to rage, caught her mask slipping in front of my daughter and then redirected the narcissistic rage toward her preferred emotional punching bag. It’s still stings a little but least it doesn’t blindside me anymore.

[@smeag9280]

My mom’s favorite manipulation tool was silent treatment. “Love” was always conditional.

[@bereal6590]

My father and especially my mother does that, it's so painful. Takin love away especially when you're growing up is horrible. I already had abandonment issues then when she did that inwould plead and fawn. Just awful

[@shadowfax9177]

Yep. Mine too. Loved to make the whole house uncomfortable and hold us hostage.

[@hollyf6749]

Mine too!

[@badsoutherngirl]

That's my mom's go-to. She has gone months without talking to her husband.

[@TechnoChic]

My mom kept repeating "I will always love you " once in a long phone call. My thought was "is that a threat?" You can't just say what you want to be true when you act the exact opposite.

[@user-ix1pg3nw6v]

Yep, my mom became my life long project, trying to heal her, help her to identify her trauma all the while believing she'd finally be free to return the love she always with held. It was all a game, conscious or unconscious a game I'd never win until i walked away

[@Kenny-8]

Same here, I stopped talking to my mother years ago and it's been the most stress-free years of my life. I thought we could talk about deeper things and connect more, but all she was doing was draining my emotional energy.

[@CesarNostradamus-wj9uq]

Yep. When I told my family I wanted no contact. They hired thousands of people to gang stalk me and torture me to the point of suicide

[@shirliestratton7790]

so sorry😭

[@shirliestratton7790]

@@CesarNostradamus-wj9uqsoo sorry😭

[@shirliestratton7790]

@TorahTakeoutgood luck🤞

[@thomasandcrishellewoods4690]

My mother spent my whole life telling me (and others) how I was the ugliest baby she ever saw. She would go on and on about she cried for hours when the doctor handed me to her- and that was probably one of the least cruel things she ever did. Sorry for any of you who had to grow up this way. Hugs

[@daodejing81]

It's all projection, the ugliness she refers to is in her.

[@KatkaLiptay]

I can relate actually. I was born premature, 8th month, and when they brought me to her, she said I was the most ugliest baby. She described even details. And said she didn't want me. LOL How lovely, huh? Pure care and love ...... from narc mother. took me years to heal all this crap and see the truth.

[@de72486]

My mother said when she gave birth to my brother and I, she felt nothing. She felt no connection with us. Then she left when we were young. But she's back and she messages me all the damn time and causes immense stress and anxiety.

[@jamiecargill6664]

I think we might be siblings...lol You quoted my mom. The rest of the story was how the other woman in her room had the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen... Oh well. I grew up to be a knock-out, just to spite her. rofl - j/k

[@ramsrnja]

Wow, that's awful.

[@leahsimpson5258]

Every single word was my entire childhood/adult life. Thank you

[@staat834]

This kills me because I feel the same way. I wish you all the best in recovering from being the victim of narcissism.

[@gk4350]

#meetoo

[@BrianCarter-r5o]

@@staat834Second that❤

[@breathoflife8004]

Ditto. Every. Single. Word.

[@fundamonium]

Being an only child to a narcissist mother is another level.

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

Omg I can’t imagine, I’m so sorry!!!

[@msbg8385]

My mom is a covert and I'm the only child she completely screwed me up emotionally. I had a hard time getting in relationships because she was so overwhelmingly controlling of my time and energy. Also she hates anyone who is close to me or cares about me. I dream of going no contact but I don't have the strength yet

[@DiogoChris]

I'm so sorry! 😢 You're not alone though, and you're most definitely not crazy I've felt that way for years, and I have siblings. I've been fighting this for years and always felt like I'm always in the wrong somehow. It's not pretty. Prayers for us both, and everyone else going through this ❤

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

@@cc1cc2cc3 - I don’t know you but reading your message made my heart happy for you! I’m also taking what you wrote and am going to apply it to my life as well. It’s so painful as you know. I hope you (and everyone else who’s going through this) heals & realizes they are worthy of love & respect. Sending lots of 💗 and ✌️

[@cc1cc2cc3]

@@NopeNotTodaySatan ❤️❤️❤️

[@lindalong7063]

My mom was narcissistic. We five children were raised to be the cheerleaders to her importance. When my oldest son died accidentally 5 years ago, it was the week after mom’s 90th birthday celebration. I couldn’t bear to tell her myself because I knew it would land strangely so I asked my sister to tell her. I called Mom just before his funeral and said “Hi Mom, did (my sister) mention to you that J… died?” Mom replied “Yes, I heard that. Wasn’t that a party!” Referring to her own birthday party. That was the only mention she ever made of his death. “Yes I heard that….”. No card, no curiosity about funeral, nothing…. Because I have done a lot of work around understanding her narcissism and its impact on me, my reaction after I hung up was pure laughter. If ever there was a question of whether my memories and perception of her as a narcissist was accurate, that experience confirmed the absolute truth of it. When your your child’s death becomes about your mother’s birthday party, it’s pretty clear.

[@sabrinaihh]

What the HECK?! That’s awful, I’m sorry you had to experience that 😮

[@tanya3103]

I'm so very sorry to hear this. HUGS!

[@stayathomemarine]

Hi Ms Linda, I am a little younger than you (30) and have somewhat of a similar situation. At my 20 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat for my baby girl. I had to come in a couple days later to deliver and I wanted my narc mom to be there for emotional support. Boy was that a mistake. After the delivery, she held my sweet girl and said "Out of all the deliveries I could have been at, THIS is the one I had to be at?" Then at my daughter's funeral, my mom was cracking jokes the entire time to my face. It was exactly one year after that moment I completely cut off ties. So heart wrenching. I am sorry for your loss.

[@emac543]

Linda, I'm so sorry.

[@rosyvaldezx3]

Linda, I am so glad you no longer have to subject yourself to your mothers abuse. I am so sorry she wasn’t able to be present as a mother & grandmother should, for the loss of your sweet baby.

[@professorwigginslectures3808]

I was the golden child and didn't realize it. But the first time I confronted mom on something she'd done that hurt the family, the gaslighting was unimaginable. She was a completely different person than the one whom I thought was mom. She lied, moved the goalposts, denied lying, blamed me for what she'd done and what I hadn't even known about until a decade after the fact. She tried to make me feel guilty and herself the victim for something she'd done! When I refused to back down, mom's sweet, smiling demeanor totally changed. She got a cruel, smug look, her voice dropped to a hateful growl, and she told me, "I think you're nuts." It wasn't so much what she said, it was the shocking change in her demeanor. I realized life with her had been a total lie. She never loved me. She had used me to get her own glory, put me up on a pedestal. But the moment I refused to play along, she revealed her cruel, vicious self. I now look back and realize why dad died full of rage. For decades he had been able to live an emotionally separate life, had his friends and hobbies. But in his final sickness, there was only mom there day after day, and he couldn't take it. I know now why he burned through all the money in his final years. He didn't want her to have a penny. I know now how my sister went through hell as the scapegoat and why she died young from her addictions. I was a fool to blame her. Wish I could go back in time and have some comaraderie with her and tell her "Sorry" that I took mom's side and thought she was so virtuous. My wife had been gently trying to open my eyes all these years. She'd felt the hatred from mom from the start. Mom tried many times to divide us and in very subtle ways even convinced me to be cruel and selfish to my wife back in the early days before we were married. She's a gift from God for not just openly raging at mom for the way she was treated--and leaving the selfish momma's boy she'd married. All the signs were there all these years, but I could not see them. Blinded. Dense. Dumb. Amazing that our marriage survived this demonic force. Amazing that I so admired the one who was trying to destroy my marriage and family all these years. Again, blinded.

[@rogue_rg]

When the mask comes off - it's the weirdest scariest thing (even as an adult I would back up because the change inside is amazingly intense and immediate. I used to say demonic also because my mom has green eyes. Empty eyes most of the time but beautiful green. When the mask came off however - black as night. I don't believe in possession as they portray it in movies - however her eyes would change. The smug sneer is a good one also - Her entire demeanor, her tone, her body language and how she held herself would change in an instant. That's when I knew I had summoned the real her. It's what I viewed as the real her - I knew she wasn't right by age of 4. I much preferred the mask- I think that's why a lot of us are "bamboozled" because we would rather be Blinded, Dense or Dumb to the true face and what happens when they unleash and unmask themselves. It's not pleasant. Plus I would cherish and love that woman like no other! I was blessed by my first husband who planted the seed. He and I didn't end up staying together for various reasons but I still love him with all my being and we are still friends to this day (including my current husband and he are also friends). It takes bravery and courage to stick to telling you what you don't or can't hear until it sinks in.

[@ParteraQuisqueyana]

God bless you for realizing all this. Most people never get to recognize it.

[@user-ms1ue8bd8r]

Isn’t it weird, the cognitive dissonance when you realize all the ways in which you had been made to feel shame, guilt and responsibility for such a pitiful person? Glad your marriage survived ❤️

[@CrabtreeGuitar]

My wife noticed it too. As soon as I brought her home, within a few days she cornered me over the way we were being treated. I was still coming out of it and didn’t fully understand it, although I had a damaged relationship with my mother as a teenager, having directly called her a liar and crazy at one time after reaching a boiling point over her treatment towards me. I let it all out though and have since put her and them (her followers) out of my life. I didn’t stop having anxiety attacks until I got away from her, just as an ER doctor ordered (even he was able to see it and told me directly that she is my problem - I told my dad this, but I never told her). Man this woman is speaking exactly my experience growing up. Even the siblings supporting her. That woman who calls herself my mother was a fng btch to me as soon as I was able to walk, and all my siblings loved it. There is no stage of my life that I don’t remember how hateful she was to me. I was about 10 years old and had fallen into an ant bed and had hundreds of ants all over me and began panicking and screaming as I was taking my clothes off. Her response was telling my punk (literally felonious criminal as a teen and adult) half-brother “I give you permission to kick his axe” were her exact words.

[@KA-mq4wj]

The scapegoat child is the truth teller. They have been secretly abused for decades but the favorite, golden children never see it. The narcissistic parent spreads such gossip and hatred about the sensitive scapegoat that the rest of the family believes the narc parent until the brave abused child speaks out and leaves the family dysfunction and goes no contact with the narcissist parent. It’s such a courageous move by the abused child and then be ostracized by siblings and especially the narc parent. The Scapegoat must remain calm and endure more abuse by her parent and the sibling flying monkeys. It’s the saddest most heartbreaking situation for the Scapegoat as they are once again being forced to endure more shame, bullying and toxic behavior by people who are so called family?! The narcissist parent continues to control the narrative and the drama by wedging into the siblings relationships. That’s her legacy. To cause pain, isolation and misery. My mother is 87. This is what she did to me. My sympathy to anyone who has had to endure a life with a narcissistic parent, husband, grandparent, mother in law, friends. Take care of yourself.

[@Maiasatara]

“The situation is not likely to change,” has to be the understatement of the century.

[@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD]

Thank you for validating us. This leaves a gaping wound that no one can see. She picked me. _ Sadly, we are victimized twice. Once by the narcissist and again by everyone else who doesn’t believe you._

[@donnajenkins9493]

Amen!

[@HelenMStevens]

And a third time by ourselves!

[@aidafurao1493]

Absolutely.

[@joancb7556]

Yup

[@robinbyrd410]

Yes

[@bhavnaganiga6272]

My mom was emotionally damaging, but it doesn't show physically right, so everyone thought I'm ungrateful. She was providing for me materially, which is seen by everyone, once again i look ungrateful. She is hell bent on destroying my confidence and inner peace and it shows with my social circle and career issues, making me more incapable of overcoming her trap.

[@susieclayton3797]

It took me 60 years to figure out "What is wrong with me?" and learn about covert narcissism. 3 years later this former golden child has been discarded by mom. The realization that I really don't matter to her is devastating, but the knowledge I am having is freeing at the same time. Every single thing you said described my life.

[@justinwatson1510]

I am glad you at least learned that the problem was never you, and I think you will come to find that her removing herself from your life is the kindest thing she has ever done for you. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love and appreciate you, and don't let her back in.

[@aliciafergus2026]

Me too, it took me 60yrs and to get ill and need two knee replacements to make me realise that this woman, my mother, was not interested in me she wanted taken here and there, I would fall out with her when I was younger then feel bad, because thats how you are wired, she would be nice for a while then the mask would slip. The best thing I did was walk away from her, I felt free, but it was only when I learned she had died did I feel me again and start to repair. Please always remember it was not your fault, if we could only pick our parents. ❤🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

[@Vixinaful]

Yeah, it hurts for life having been rejected and not mattering to ones own mother. But SCREW THEM! My vengence is becoming more beautiful and successful. And when anyone asks if I know her? I'll deny it like Jesus spits out soft believers "I never knew her"

[@DJH97]

Discarded here too. It’s ok. It’s a blessing in disguise.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Omg….hits the nail on the head. No one else hits it like this!!! I was also in confused denial for 60 years. But I never learned to minimize my self enough to be accepted by the mother. She was really mean but wore a mask of “ kind and sweet. The mother gathered her flying monkeys turned narcissists against me ( stolen inheritance approved by mother) they also abused my Dad. But Dad never figured it out. He stuck it out till last kid graduated college (they told me I wasn’t smart enough to be sent to college….I sent myself, I went to community college then an under grad honers college then graduate school graduating all with honors…..but I digress. I thought there may be hope for the sister ten years younger than me…. Wanted to ask her if we could do counseling together to over come barriers and come to understand and appreciate each other. She did some really nasty abusive stuff so I finally gave up. I’m No contact. I have a cousin and a friend from childhood that have been able to verify what t think I’m seeing. Even so it’s taken so many years to see and then to digest the ugly truth. My anger is out of control. My daughter died 3 years ago, at young age. Her Father had a lot of trauma and so did I…..she smart, beautiful, funny, talented ….she didn’t have a chance. I’ve been numb for 3 years. Didn’t even cry. I’m grieving and crying now….don’t know how or if it will end.

[@brianag1175]

Holy shit. My whistle blower sister was right. Our mom is a narcissist. I was/am her main source and man is it weird. Im finally learning to stand up for myself. It was so validating hearing what my childhood was like (and today even) and then hearing you say that is an abusive environment. I just cried a good bit because i was convinced by others my childhood really wasnt that bad and i was just demanding and self centered, but after this video i feel validated that my experience was, in fact, hard. Thank you for this healing moment.

[@nurcakansimsek8814]

Same here.after years l admit that she was a covert narsist and this reality hurts so much.

[@johnscully2637]

​@@doves9204same as my dad, but don't forget that he's just as afraid of her as you are. All the best.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

Nobody on the outside knows what your childhood was like - and for those with sibling(s), you will all have a different experience of your parents than each other. It’s complex. So fuck the haters and judges. They don’t know so their opinions aren’t worth Jack.

[@Imthatgirl62]

​@@ShintogaDeathAngelI always thought that I was in the wrong and I was just so sensitive and overreacting cuz how the heck am I the only one between my siblings affected by my mom's actions, to this day I'm still confused and not sure if I am the victim or if I'm just self-centered. And to be honest both options are scary.

[@cocoaocean]

So you are a golden child?

[@happygolucky9004]

My mom had and still has these traits. She was absolutely cruel to me but I knew she was a bad parent even at age 5. I talked back even when I was young and by the time I was 16 she couldn't push me around. I had to dissociate and I no longer could feel my sadness anymore. My mom literally beat the tears away and I couldn't cry anymore for many years. I think I started to turn into a psychopath/narc myself. That's probably how this cycle repeats. I was lucky enough to meet a friend who had secure attachment and had great parents. He showed me what real love and connection looked like. It really sofened me and I think it saved me from becoming like my mom. I hope everyone out there finds a friend or a therapist who can show them love and respect. You deserve it.

[@ACAC-ll5jh]

Relate...my husband's family softened me too...my inlaws are so lovely, family oriented and accepting of people how they are. Of course my Mother cant stand my Mother inlaw and critiques her & always puts her down...dramatic!!

[@SMElder-iy6fl]

After my mother died, my mouth hurt from smiling as people told me how "sweet" she was. I'll never forget how she beat me black and blue for offenses such as she "didn't like the look on my face". My father did nothing, until he was dying when he apologized to me for letting her treat me the way she did.

[@cleopatra862]

😔…even your dad was unhappy. Thank you for sharing. I am going through it now..she started living with us a month ago and the stress has caused me ER , pneumonia…I have never been sick.. I get you.

[@LorraineGrant]

So sorry about what you have been through

[@yvonne3903]

OMG I forgot about that, straighten your face was her expression, beaten because she didn't like the look on my face, or take that look off your face another expression.

[@KarenH-i9l]

I was constantly accused of having a chip on my shoulder, and if I didn't knock it off, she would. I still don't know what that means; I only know that I was threatened with violence if I tried to ask. "I'll give you something to cry about" ... b1tch you already did, that's why I'm crying. "What did you do to provoke the bully?" I breathed, I guess. If a bully has to be provoked by me, who provoked me to pick on the bully? Nope, I was the only child capable of spontaneous naughtiness, and deserved to be put in my place. Now her narrative is reinforced with "I don't remember it that way"

[@novelist99]

I'm sorry you went through that. What you said reminds me of my mom. Most people thought she was nice and didn't realize how awful she was behind closed doors.

[@JG-zs8tr]

Last night, in the middle of a mostly pleasant conversation with my parents, for absolutely no reason my mom insulted me quite viciously, then immediately pretended like nothing happened. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself from people like this, and just accept that others in your family will not have the courage you do and will probably guilt trip and gaslight you for standing up for yourself.

[@daphnewilson7966]

Your experience especially caught me because that happened with my narcissist husband. (Sadly, the Mom stuff in these comments all too familiar, too) BUT:being attacked out of the blue rang such a bell, then he says "I didn't say that," which is the gaslighting. I'll bet you got told you were overreacting? Did you get told you just enjoyed making yourself unhappy? Nobody is responsible for anybody else's feelings? I'll bet a lot of these themes are familiar to a lot of our fellow posters ....

[@SadiePuzey]

I call that the bait and switch with my mom! She is pleasant and kind and complimentary until I feel safe. She KNOWS I'm feeling safe and my guard is down, THAT's when she strikes. They pretends to be ignorant of such behavior, but trust me, THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING! It gives them a sick sense of power and satisfaction.

[@mollygrigg7005]

Yes!! That’s my sister exactly. And then I am blamed for not being able to get along

[@cassieosbourne7666]

It’s weird isn’t it? My mum has caused me to have panic attacks where I’m literally rocking back and forth on the floor unable to breathe and she’s calmly been eating dinner. My offence: I made pasta for dinner when she didn’t want pasta (she watched me make it and only started shouting when I had finished cooking and was plating up)

[@adobeblue4360]

@@SadiePuzey I have this with a sibling, same deal. Whenever I would visit her I would place a wager with myself on how long into the visit she would attack. It could be the first five minutes, It could be as I walking out the door but I usually won my bet. It never failed.

[@Littlemilkdud]

I still remember her telling me when i was 5 that she was jealous that my dad loved me more than her. Now i understand why she’s always putting me down by making “jokes” about me in front of my dad. Im grateful that my dad’s witty enough to turn those insults into compliments.

[@ruth_gordon]

Seriously, why even try to deal with someone so hurtful, strategic and manipulative?? It's beyond exhausting. Going no-contact (9 years now) was the best gift I ever gave myself 💝

[@moniquevanleeuwen6514]

I’m at that point right now. She has a good husband and 4 loyal children but i can see her dying allone now… 🤔

[@chelseymcgee484]

It may not seem like a gift at first… but it truly is.

[@WAA-uj3ow]

I'm planning to do so

[@michaelmcgee335]

I bet you’ve had a ball.

[@justinwatson1510]

The only negative part of going no-contact are the idiots who feel entitled to tell you "but it's your mom, how do you tinik you wll feel iwhen she dies?!". I am always tempted to start beating them with a broom then ask if they still want to hang out. Lol

[@jeannieapgar2015]

My mom was a narcissist. I know that NOW, but as a kid, did not understand. It led me to many narcissistic partners in my adult life and CONSTANT people pleasing. I am putting emphasis on self care and ridding my life of toxic people. Thanks for this valuable video.

[@Wunjo-Wunjo]

Me too. Lots of love to you.

[@JulietMartin2022]

The only thing I think you may have missed about a narcissistic mother of several children is the “divide and conquer” regime of the household. My narc mother always made sure that none of us kids formed alliances and only now as a senior have I become enlightened about her likely motive. I believe that she did not want any of us ganging up against her. Also, I would love to know your thoughts about what a narc mother goes through when becoming a widow. My narc mother was always painfully abusive toward my long suffering and too good father. After his death, when I refused to play along with her grieving widow act, I became her new target and she proceeded to throw me in the garbage.

[@sharonberry410]

Triangulation.

[@babyblue61549]

That’s my Mother. Exactly.

[@PaigeSquared]

It took me until I was in my 30s to learn that her avoidance wasn't my fault. It took me forever to realize all her fears were not also applied to me. Having my ex husband with me for a few years, finally having another witness agree with what I was experiencing, was really validating. We would laugh about how ridiculous they were towards me. How they withheld information and ignored me, and then still acted like we were close. When I had my son, my ex and I became closer with my family for the support. After prolonged exposure, my ex bought into my mom's narrative, became unsafe, and we had to separate.

[@barbarawarner4645]

A key and important component. And then that mom cries “I just want you all to get along”.

[@lilolmecj]

This is the final insult to a grieving child ( obviously now adult) to be put in the position of either going along with the continuing lies, or standing up and facing the wrath. I know that I am unlikely to be able to push it off forever , but so far I have managed to avoid my mother doing her grieved widow routine to the point that I react strongly. I can recognize that their relationship was complicated ( obviously Narcs insist that their children serve as marriage counselors), but unlike my brothers, her flying monkeys, I can acknowledge how badly she treated him once he was feeble. And my situation is very mild in comparison to what others have suffered. Be strong, you know the truth.

[@jfery7184]

It has been a couple years since I found out the name to what my mom is but I always felt like crazy because it seems that I was the only one seeing her intentions. Then I am the selfish one when I put my foot down and don't allow her to take over my life.

[@surfkat59]

Yup...like my mom. Once you put your foot down, they go ape wild.

[@FHRider-o1m]

It’s a lonely journey, but you’re not crazy, and you’re not alone x

[@BobbiGail]

Its sad that so many of us can relate and yet encouraging to be able to see it for what it is. It's not all of our faults, like our parents would like us to believe.

[@josiah5776]

Same, the entire family still vilifies and condemns me for cutting her off, even years after her death.

[@kymfjohnson1]

It's been 5 years since I found out what was wrong with mine. Always thought it was me but I couldn't reconcile that. Just knew something was wrong. Been no contact for 10 months and healing. It's a journey but we will make it🙂

[@Xandil]

I didn't know my mom was narcissistic until I married a good, strong woman. My wife got the aggression and negative attitude and I could never figure out why. I didn't even know it was happening the first few years. When I confronted mom about it the gaslighting was off the chart. I realized I was the "golden child" to her and instead of being a part of my new family she acted like she was losing me. The guilt tripping is also off the chart, "why dont you visit" and "why don't I see the grand children". Its so exhausting and almost destroyed my marriage. It was difficult enough to maintain relationships as an adult, but to have a parent sabotage your most important relationship is at another level.

[@professorwigginslectures3808]

You are describing my mom and our relationship almost exactly.

[@mehlikamelekyldrm1172]

May be your wife’s is cover narc

[@StrongestSkillIssue]

By the time I discovered my mom was a CN my family were living with her, paying all the bills, buying the shopping, doing the washing, cooking, cleaning and having to take her everywhere with us as she wouldn’t stay alone in the house. I had zero independence and my marriage was in tatters. Despite this she still wasn’t happy (sulking in her room for hours…ignoring us…crying staring out of the window) and that’s when I finally realised that nothing I could do would ever make her happy. So I found us a rental property and we moved out. Since that day I have a newfound freedom and level of independence that I never knew existed in me. After years of being told ‘you’re not maternal’ and ‘you can’t cope’ you start to believe that but since leaving I know those things aren’t true. My life is so much richer but I’m sad that it took 44 years for me to realise.

[@mytravls]

You just described most Indian families with elders and especially elder male. I sent my dad to his son’s house my brother. He still doesn’t get the hint I don’t want him back at my house. No one does in my family what I’m trying to say and I’m done explaining.

[@howstunningly]

Wow, you poor thing! I can't imagine how difficult this was for you. Congratulations on finding the strength and courage to get out of this situation!!! Much luck to you!

[@relaxedandhappy1161]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. I also only realized at the age of 36... Did your marriage survive?

[@StrongestSkillIssue]

@@howstunninglythank you so much x

[@StrongestSkillIssue]

@@relaxedandhappy1161I’m sorry to hear you have been through the same…I hope you managed to get away/instill some boundaries. Yes my marriage survived thankfully x

[@ladyloungealot5119]

"If you don't do as I say, I will get a heart attack, and you will never forgive yourself for killing your mother" - this was good for me. I did realise what I dealt with.

[@susannehuber3996]

OMG…. How many times I got the „you will feel sorry after I’m dead because you killed me.“

[@middleofnowhere1313]

oh yes the unalive threats. "if you don't GIVE ME (note the wording) grandchildren I'll off myself!" My response: Go buy your plot and write your will then. I ain't doing it.

[@ladyloungealot5119]

@@middleofnowhere1313 I was lucky, after five years university in another country, AWAY, I could smell the rat and although I didn't know the term 'narcissist', I knew that I had to run. I've heard: "Now, I am going to bring up your children". I replied: "I don't wish any child such upbringing as I received. If I can't bring them up by myself, I won't have any". I don't.

[@JohnnyCatFitz]

My mother landed in the hospital with what she let us believe was a heart attack. This was while I took vacation days with someone rather normal interesting and fun I'd met who traveled from out of state to spend time with me, which i see now was a complete threat to her. I ended up cutting the last day short with this person to rush to her bedside. At the time i really believed she was in trouble. she didn't tell me she was even in the hospital, i had to squeeze the info out of my brother ( she was martyring herself by swearing him not to tell me) . I later pieced together that she never had a heart attack but some sort of panic attack ( i spent years in auxiliaryhealth care specialty). Later in life, when I moved far away, I point blank told her not to go having a heart attack to make me come back home. She instantly became silent. And she never did. She had help learning her helpless ways from an aunt of hers that encouraged her to play sick and helpless in order to get her children to help around the house and i suppose be less narc themselves. She told me this early on when I suppose she thought she was educating me in womanly ways 🤢. She made sure to pick a primary doctor that was a cardiologist. But when she later really developed problems, she never told him her symptoms and ended up with stage 3 heart failure and he never knew she felt unwell 😮.

[@5DNRG]

​a perfect conclusion.

[@jgarden8937]

Thank you for this. I felt like you were talking directly to me. My mother played that "I sacrificed card so many times." Once I was older, I asked her,"What did you sacrifice? A kidney?" I told her everything you brag about is the job of a parent, not a sacrifice. I cut her out of my life for good 2 years ago, and I feel clean and happy. These people are not just toxic but also a cancer. I can't believe I survived that woman. I'm 48 now and still healing.

[@rimakanekar5330]

Same

[@JazzieVisser]

🙏I'm 50.My mom died a year ago and only now Im starting to be me again.I feel I can breathe and live.

[@karolinap2880]

Same here. My Heart goes to you.

[@RozelliachefNZ]

I miss my Mum. She was difficult

[@remcbeanremcbn]

Thank you for this video. My mom raised me to be a people pleaser. Everyone else's needs and wants had to come before my needs and wants. I was shamed for wanting the things I wanted. Still struggle with this. To this day I have never heard her admit to making a mistake or apologizing for anything. My siblings used to disapprove if I said anything about moms faults. According to them and many others - she doesn't have any.

[@ser3385]

I feel your pain, I have the same mother.

[@maggiemay8622]

That sounds exactly like my mother, the biggest martyr and victim! Deny, deflect, never apologize for anything. It makes you feel crazy 😳she wanted us to be her, not who we were . And completely codependent! My siblings know, but now that she’s older , they just pretend none of this is true! I’m the problem, I need to get over it , so I did…I went no contact 😊

[@Griffindor1955]

Yep. This is me and my family. To this day I cannot ask anyone for anything. I was the designated person who had to meet everyone’s needs. It is an incredible burden, but even worse is the lack of trust, as she points out in the video. I trust no one, but I have an enormous tolerance for bad behavior. I used to just assume everyone lied, and I couldn’t understand why some people were so outraged. The damage is very severe. And to have to realize you were never really loved by your mother. It is a shattering feeling.

[@Adoreabl3]

This hit me real hard. Found out I've been people pleasing all my life. I'm now 31 have my own life back because I moved states away and now that I have all this freedom to do what I want to and get what I want to I either don't because I don't know what I really want because I don't know myself or I end up feeling real guilty for doing anything for myself without doing something for someone else first.

[@remcbeanremcbn]

@@Adoreabl3 go slow don't be so hard on yourself this is part of the healing you have recognized an area that you need to heal while in therapy I learned that we must take care of our needs first in order to be healthy and sound and then we can be available to be there for others with our excess energy. This is healthy and natural. The example my therapist used was emergencies on air flights. They advise you get your air mask on before you assist anyone else in getting their air mask on. It took me years to get past the guilt of taking care of myself first and then others. Relax and allow the healing to occur at its own pace.

[@stellasole3720]

It's so weird how they can simultaneously say "sorry" while not admitting any fault/responsibility

[@knightofthename5469]

"im sorry you feel that way" thats how they say theyre "sorry" or "im sorry you think that"

[@amyleigh7624]

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

[@jennifer-fk3eh]

I'm sorry for (something unrelated that doesn't need an apology)

[@ABc-nu6jb]

Let’s not even call her mother someone this triffl,and evil towards their own child does not deserve the title mother

[@britfrie]

My mom will call me crying saying she is "sorry for any pain she ever caused me while I was growing up" looking for me to comfort and reassure her.

[@Return2Peace]

I’ve felt responsible for her feelings my whole life. Hard to break. Appreciate your video and download.

[@amethystdream8251]

I know right? What if some souls on this earth simply want the experience of never being satisfied or grateful, and it has nothing to do with us? So what then, in our life, is about us? Things I've been pondering about as I seek detachment from my own mother's unnecessarily petty feelings

[@daodejing81]

I hear you. It's not about you. It's all projection.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Me too. Sending hugs.🫶🏻

[@bumblebee_ms]

OMGoodness! Yes, I did too until I cut her off almost 4 years ago. Now I'm dealing with all the other crap in my life that she left me with. Such a mess. The chaotic "gift" that keeps on giving.

[@avocadoontoast715]

Yes, when i was little she was giving me silent treatments. It was horrible, i craved her forgiveness. I thought it was the end of the world.

[@nickinurse6433]

At 64 I am in contact with all 3 of my adult children daily. Also very close to grandchildren. There is nothing more rewarding in my retirement than the great relationship I have with them. I never realized how lucky I was.

[@wednesdayschild3627]

I was shocked when my adult children actually like me. They come to see me ❤

[@buckeyebob3647]

This video really hit home to me. Even though I have an M.A. and studied for a Ph.D. in psychology, I never considered my Mom to have been a narcissist because she didn't meet the full DSM diagnosis for NPD. Looking back many years later, I now realize she was likely a covert narcissist. Certainly, most of the signs were there: everything in our house revolved around how my mom was feeling at any given time (walking on eggshells); her excessive concern with our appearance (one of our biggest fights) and how it reflected on HER; the silent treatment; insistence we always apologize to her, but never the other way around; enforced isolation until I was able to "behave," my consequent poor self-esteem and constant worry about how others might think of me to the point of paraylsis,, etc. At the same time, everyone else thought she was such a wonderful mother. At 60 years of age, I am just lnow learning how to deal with the many years of emotional abuse. Thank you for this video.

[@ArtistgirlsMuseTube]

I’m so sorry you went through that. I understand, because you described the tactics my mother used to a T.

[@cassiebrown9786]

My mother was a covert narcissist. One day I was reading up on mental disorders and found NPD was one. I was thinking, that is my mother! It was so frightening. I got into family counseling ( solo ) to understand my dysfunctional family. The therapist was spot on describing my mother and her nasty narcissistic characteristics. I also have a covert narcissistic sister, ex-husband, former co-worker, neighbor and never realize their capabilities and how destructive they are. I hope God can overlook mental illness, because they need his mercy.

[@nicbro3831]

God made mental illness so im sure hes down

[@Vixinaful]

The scary part is people say its so unusual when in actuality its extremely common with cluster B dirorders.

[@ser3385]

It shook my world too, just like you say. All I did was google "why is my mother the only person I don't get along with" after a 3 day silent treatment from her on a much longed for family vacation for NO reason- I was devastated. When I read the DONM articles, the veil fell and I was finally validated as not being crazy. That was 10 years ago and I was in my 40s. I still struggle dealing with her. My mind goes in loops trying to figure it all out myself, tried therapy but the two I saw were clueless about NPD- I felt I knew more than they did about the topic. It is hard.

[@botarakutabi1199]

Honestly it seems like a point against any good god existing that it would make people to be narcissists.

[@Vixinaful]

@@botarakutabi1199 Read 2 timothy 3. :/

[@sissy1339]

I was highly impacted by my covert narcissiist mother. I'm an Empath and the family scapegoat so living at home was pure hell for me. Took me years to finally get the help I needed so badly and I thank God for making that happen. Listening to you speak about it felt wonderful. Thank you so much!

[@meiw8358]

Thank you for the film and education, Dear friend, I am the empath, the scapegoat, being abused by my mother since I was 3 to 53, she was always side by her chosen child who is 8 years older than me, the older sister was beaten me since I was 8 year old till 53, threatening to beating me again, my mother also instigated my father to beat me, my father said that your mother is always right never wrong, she and her older daughter were driving me sick till the point if I do not runaway I will die or to mental hospital, for to save myself I left them, they were call and instigated other people to call me and threatened mea lot scary things would happen in my life… I was devastated , depressed. Until I am almost 68 I got on KZbin to educate myself from the professionals and realized that word of narcissistic, and realized that my mother is definitely one of them. Thank God I am learning everyday to increase my knowledge about these abusive behaviors, I deserve healing and happy.

[@JustaLittleMystic]

I think my mom is starting to realize she’s fully burnt a bridge with me - it’s led to quite the experience. It’s now it’s my responsibility, according to her, to go to therapy for the ‘sake of our relationship’….. I shook my head thinking “what freaking relationship?”. The lies and manipulations are going full scale. I’m just staying in the grey rock space and reminding myself that her realizations and choices are not my responsibility. I’m not the sacrificial lamb to her ego wound.

[@VioletEmerald]

Maybe don't be one of those people who calls themselves an Empath, come on. And the family scapegoat. Sounds like what my covert narcissist mom would say about herself lol.

[@botarakutabi1199]

@@VioletEmerald Yeah, calling ones self an empath is odd. Most people feel empathy. You either have empathy, or a personality disorder that prevents empathy. There isn't some special group with special empathy. Maybe some autistic folks, we tend to have a lot of empathy, even too much. But I still wouldn't call myself an empath, seems like a humble brag.

[@leahflower9924]

​@@meiw8358did you go no contact

[@zg6879]

I don’t think my mom was exactly this type of person, but there is A LOT that’s starting to make sense..

[@marikothecheetah9342]

My mother: a) dressed me the way she wanted for a really, really long time. b) never apologised and even if, she proceeded to tell me what I did wrong. c) silent treatment for days, not accepting apology, even when I thought this apology should come from her. d) incredibly nice and liked by everybody else e) very unstable support. Sometimes she supported me hard and sometimes she tried to undermine my effort. Her favourite saying was: Well, the enthusiasm fell short. f) gaslighting. A lot of gaslighting. g) quarrels about nothing, blown out of proportions until I caved in. h) barely using words: please, thank you etc. Showed affection only, when I was an ideal child. i) call all of my friends idiots, but keeping an appearance of a cool mom in front of them. I wonder if that means she is a cover narcissist. I suspect, she is, but I don't want to be too hypochondriac about that. :/ The video is incredibly helpful and will definitely help so many people to identify the toxic environment they grew up with.

[@seo4088]

Sounds like we have the same mother 😢

[@marikothecheetah9342]

@@seo4088 I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to free from her. That behaviour scars for life. Wish you all the best and don't give up. I get you. *hug*

[@therealJamieJoy]

It's possible she's an overt narcissist rather than covert. Did she act as if she felt she was better than anyone else?

[@marikothecheetah9342]

@@therealJamieJoy surprisingly not but she is often condescending towards 9others but she will rather show it with her body language than her words. She diplomatically is silent but you can see her attitude towards others. Thank you so much for your comment!

[@therealJamieJoy]

I wish you peace and healing. I was basically surrounded by narcissists growing up, but my mother was a kind woman. I am so lucky. I may have ended up like the rest of the family. I would never want to hurt another person the way narcissists do. Constant conflict that never ends seems like an awful way of life.@@marikothecheetah9342

[@BonzoGal1980]

I'm an absolute tears right now, I came here expecting to hear maybe one or two things ring true. But you just described my entire childhood. 20 years after she died I'm realizing I was raised by a covert narcissist mother, at my father who was an alcoholic was just powerless against her. And now I see how and why I turned out the way I did, and I'm so glad that I'm finally getting the help I need.

[@DKYarborough]

I have/had the same combo of CN mom and Alcoholic dad. We let his alcoholism ride for too long- we half-joked, “How the hell else is he supposed to live with that woman?”

[@LindseyRowland-b7j]

Me! This is me

[@KarenH-i9l]

​@@DKYarboroughI started asking dad "why do you stay?" He was 73 I think, the first time I asked (married 50 years at the time). He believes he is obligated to "look after" her because they've been married since she was 17.

[@DKYarborough]

My dad felt the same way. She ground him down to nuthin’, yet he always kept his commitment. He was a man of his word, and that led to his destruction.

[@lelilu1]

My father was also an alcoholic, but his outward abuse always trumped her victim/martyr abuse. So he was always the problem. I had no idea she was a covert narcissist, as us kids went along with her, as we believed she was a victim. He was the cause of all trauma in our family. Only now, 10 years after my father’s death, am I seeing any of this. He’s not here for her to blame. Everything is all about her, she is never wrong, and is the most passive aggressive person I have ever encountered.

[@jensjourney7122]

This is my mother!! I'm the child that was her"supplier". At 53, I've finally just walked away.

[@paulamiller6109]

This describes my mother perfectly. I knew something wasn't right with her when i was 8 or 9 years old. She was very caring of me and met my needs, but it was all about her looking good as a parent. Her need for validation was constant and all consuming, and really confused me. Wish I'd known then what i know now. Even years of therapy, my therapist never helped me identify that my.mom was a manipulative covert narcissist. Everything was all about making HER look good to others. My happiness was not part of the equation.

[@meegansandberg1308]

Things were one way inside our house, but when I stepped outside, I "put on my mask " and pretended everything was peachy. That's what I called it. Putting on my mask. I felt like a phony growing up. As far as confusion, I was confused by my mother's chronic lying. I remember thinking when I was a kid, "Boy, when I talk to my mom, white is black and black is white. "

[@elainehiggins713]

Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one.

[@smakkdat]

She was very caring of you and met your needs? But you feel she only did it to look good? Well what exactly did she do that was abusive as a narcissist? Did she just feel emotionally disconnected. I’m a bit confused because I would have loved to have had a very caring mother

[@elainehiggins713]

@@smakkdat Me too. I am also confused. My mother was very cold and unaffectionate, as if a robot were “caring” for me. I used to have fantasies as a child that I had a real mother. I knew what one was because I saw my friends’ mothers. My mother in law was a dream. That confused me more.

[@sashad.7722]

One of the biggest problems I had with my mom as a child was that she often called me bad person, that I had bad character, etc. It had really devastating effect on my life. I grew up feeling I am not worthy of anything: friends, love, having kids. Very sad💔

[@d.t.4150]

I’m sorry this happened to u as well!! I was told how nasty my attitude was and how ugly that made me look and I was about 4-7 at the time she felt it necessary to chew my head off when in actuality however I was acting she provoked it!!

[@d.t.4150]

U didn’t deserve that treatment!! I’m pretty sure u are warm and loving and would be a great friend and mother!! Just because she couldn’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not true!! they have a distorted view of reality so they can cope with themselves and their miserable lives!!Wishing u peace and healing❤

[@ecwvdb]

Wow I never thought about this, but it really hits close to home.. I have a very loving and caring mom, but she also told me many many times during life that I’m a bad person. I’m 31 right now, and I will never forget the phrase she used when I was young: I wouldn’t say that you’re a sweet and caring person, but you have a good heart. Although this sounds like a compliment, it still hurts me.. Because it felt like I’m not worth it when it comes to relationships. She also liked to bring other people into it. She would tell me all the time: people think you’re weird and not nice. But never did I noticed something like that, because people always told me I was a nice person. The thing I hated te most was her telling me every time we would leave the house together: why do you walk/talk/ride your bike so weird, when you move your arms it looks so weird.. Until I didn’t even know how to behave myself anymore, I felt so awkward everywhere I went. And of course when I confront her she would always say: I would neeeever say or do that to you, why are you making those bizarre things up, maybe you dreamed it.. This is the first time I watched a video like this.. It’s comforting to know that there are more people with experiences like this. Greetings and hugs from the Netherlands 🇳🇱

[@psalm2764]

@@ecwvdb I can relate to what you say. You're not alone. Greetings from Germany.

[@meegansandberg1308]

My mom liked to project her own character flaws onto me. She drove me nuts like that, but I never said a word back to her, because it wouldn't do any good. Also, my stepfather would beat me if I mouthed off to her.

[@angelcarrelli1519]

The ironic part of a family heavily dominated by a covert narcissistic mother is that EVERY FAMILY MEMBER (especially the father) is well aware of the EVIL, USUALLY VIOLENT OUTCOME related to her narcissistic machinations; yet, even as adults, DO NOTHING to intercede and often CONTRIBUTE to her dysfunction. The fallout, like most family trauma, becomes generational.

[@reyesaguilar4775]

My dad thought she was amazing because to him she was

[@janicebennett-allen9341]

Spot on. It took me 55 years to realize that my mother is a covert narcissist. One of the most recent intentional methods I used to determine this was to highlight to her of my recent medical diagnosis. She responded that she is suffering from these as well. And this is how I was able to realize that over the years I was never to place any attention on myself or my needs but to her personal needs as well as her demands to assist her with family roles. The truth is that I never lived. I never had a life. I am a damaged goods. I now live alone. People take disadvantage of me. No one will ever see her as a controlling, manipulative mother because she does not display any out-of-character behaviors. People speaks well of her, and it will be hard to ever convince anyone that she is to be blamed for the skewed-up life I ended up with today.

[@bereal6590]

Same here my mother and father. Both now 80 and I'm NR 60. Both idiots who screwed me up and then blame me for it.

[@ovariantrolley2327]

Brother you woke up, you are a hero and anyone who is a hero in life deserves their own and others respect

[@Haberdashery22]

You will be able to live now, live life in the true sense of the word. The realisation is a burden that will lift as you discover a strength that's been locked away. A strength you never knew you had. It will free you!! I'm sure you will find happiness now, make up for those lost years! Sending hugs.

[@texasgma3578]

I’m convinced. Same here. So hard to hear the praise from others about her but they met a completely different person.

[@MikeMadison-z7o]

I'm right here. We are family. I send you love and hugs. Move on you were light of Christ . They sprit on her saw your sprit and did all it can to extinguish it.. I'm in same boat .

[@druchampion-payne1489]

My husband's mother was a covert narcissist (she passed away two mths ago). Everything you just said about things covert narcissists would say is spot on. We've been married 35 years and I experienced some of the cruelest things from my mother-in-law. She was incredibly mean and even cruel to me in private, but would act as sweet as pie towards me when my husband or others were around -- she was so 2-faced! It was confusing. I was confused. My husband was confused. Because I would tell my husband some of the things his mother would say to me in private and he had a hard time believing it, so he never confronted her. At it used to really upset me that he never stood up for me, but now I understand why, because she can be so vindictive and turn others against you. My husband has 5 sisters and three of them were her flying monkeys. They would call me or call my husband and give a piece of their mind for mom. Or if my husband wasn't giving his mother enough attention by calling her at least once or twice a week, then one of his sisters would routinely call my husband and 'remind' him to call his mom. So annoying because he never did enough for his mom, in her eyes. It was never good enough. For me, my mother-in-law tried to break up our marriage by attempting to play match-maker with my husband's old girlfriend. This was during our 9th year of marriage. My husband told me that his mom "tried to play match-maker", his words, and then he called her and asked her to apologize to me. I could hear her shouting, "I make no apology!!" and that was that. She has never apologized and only continued to criticize me up until her death. I finally had to go no contact with her and that made her *so* angry. How dare I set boundaries with her and not allow her to verbally abuse me anymore. She needed her 'fix' to call me up and find something to be critical of. Oh, but it was all because she "cared" ...it's so funny that you would say that because that's *exactly* what she would say ..."I care" which I knew wasn't true. I'm thankful she's gone. We can finally rest in peace.

[@GoodatNaps]

My narcissistic MIL is now my Dad's girlfriend. She sounds a lot like yours. I have told my husband many times that I will NOT be sad when his mother passes.

[@melkadis]

Same experience, I could have written you comment she died 2 years ago but her flying monkeys are still around 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@melkadis]

@@GoodatNapswhat the hell

[@sistainablehomeempiremgt2917]

He must be amazing to deal with her

[@InMyOwnWords1]

My mother in law, now deceased, did so much damage to her children (now adults) that when her son and I divorced, he had to marry a covert narcissist. He couldn't find his way forward on his own. In a sense, he married his mother. She checked positive on every trait mentioned, and never changed. Lived to the ripe age of 92.

[@carolineortelli-hendriks637]

I grew up as an only daughter of a (Covert) Narcissist mother and I find this clip very helpful, it rings a lot of bells, thanks. When she passed away 7 years ago, I could only feel relief.

[@tonewilhelmsen2425]

Freedom. Same situation. Mine died sopn to be 4 years ago. I still have lots of nightmares. She tried to take away my own son also. Horrible person I dont miss. How can one miss someone like that.

[@lifestoryguy]

Anyone with a mother who would give them diet pills as a gift and then is gaslighted by their family needs to remember that their mother clearly lacks any genuine empathy and their wider family are clearly emotionally illiterate. If it helps, know you are not alone. Your emotional truth is valid.

[@sabeaniebaby]

Yeah, my mom gave me diet tea, or clothes I could aspire to fit into one day.

[@johnraneanier3852]

whew felt that one!

[@ktisaqt16]

My mother has always told me no one would ever want me because of how I look. I'm 46 and it is my reality. Despite friends telling me how beautiful I am inside and out the self hatred is now part of my core and I am alone.

[@albin2232]

My mother an Overt Narcissist and she was very popular, the star of every party, a great comedian and singer. She dripped gold jewelry and had a closet just for fur coats. She was professionally photographed all the time. Unfortunately, she largely ignored and never considered my needs. If ever I tried to talk about a problem I had, she would change the topic to herself. She was a huge liar. When she lost her looks and became less popular, she fell into an apathetic depression, that she never recovered from

[@malkaz9167]

@@ktisaqt16 I am so sorry you had such an emotionally unstable mother. You deserve happiness. I wish that for you.

[@Bella_Benito]

I'm in my late 60's and just realising that my mother was probably a narcissist. It explains so much, thinking back to how she treated me and how I grew up always ready to take the blame for things that weren't anything to do with me. When she died it was a relief but I also felt incredible sadness that we had never had a good relationship. I've suffered from anxiety my whole life and am determined now to do the hard work of coming to terms with what was actually going on for all those years and learning how to heal from it.

[@SomeBuddy777]

So much truth in what you have written. I know I will be relieved beyond belief when she dies, yet the relief of not having the aura of an evil presence surrounding me will not restore the childhood and young adulthood I never had with a loving mother. Not neglected in the physical sense, always clean and fed, but so emotionally neglected and denied any love or signs of approval from her. I feel cheated.😥

[@aidafurao1493]

I know the feeling. You will survive dear. Nobody deserves such abuse.

[@aidafurao1493]

You will need support dear but will survive. Mothers are suppose to nurture not abuse. Nobody deserves that.

[@meegansandberg1308]

I am the only child of a covert narcissistic who was paralyzed and in a wheelchair. I was her main caretaker for ten years. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders when she died. I'M FINALLY FREE!!! I don't miss her one bit, but I did actually love her, it's pretty complicated. But I refuse to feel guilty for not missing her. I've suffered enough guilt for ten lifetimes.

[@markcowen7573]

Thank you for this video. I am a 57 year old man who has just discovered in therapy that my mom is a covert narcissist. Fortunately I have a very strong support system with my wife and kids. I started to identify some problems while going through the pandemic, which magnified the dysfunction in my family i.e. brother, sister and mom. I talked at length to my mom about this dysfunction and she even attended a couple of therapy sessions with me. My mom became increasingly frustrated with her inability to control me. I have always been her source of emotional support. Finally she sent me a very ugly text right after Thanksgiving. It almost seemed as if somebody else had written it. I have never had her talk to me like that. I have not heard from her since. This was a little over two months ago. She failed to call me on my birthday. So I am having to go back over the 57 years of my life and revisit many of the key milestones from a different perspective. I have a very difficult time admitting to myself that this was abuse. But I do realize that it was indeed abusive. Perhaps the most difficult part is knowing it will never change. I have two older daughters who are very familiar with what I am going through. My oldest has a degree in Victim Studies and the younger one is majoring in psychology. But they are also losing their grandmother, aunt and uncle. While it has been difficult, it is necessary in order to live a happy productive life. I plan to look at the PDF and use it as a resource to help heal from this.

[@HuP1111]

Very similar story here.... hard to first really, raally "see it" in my 50s (looking back, there were clear instances of unkind, unfair behavior toward me and it has gotten worse - the worst ever since this past Thanksgiving. Best wishes.

[@markcowen7573]

@@HuP1111 Same to you. Tough , I know.

[@jamarehire2011]

As a recovering awful mom, I can tell you I really believed I was doing my best out of love and dedication for my family. I always knew something wasn't right but I didn't know what it was. I knew something was wrong in my family of origin but could never put my finger on it. I am not sure if I was truly a narc, mirroring my narc parents, or simply projecting my hurts and insecurities on to my helpless children. Until God opened my eyes to what I was doing and how wicked I was, and has delivered me from those behaviors. I have fully repented to my children and now work with them on righting the wrongs I inflicted.

[@mollygrigg7005]

So good to hear that you became self aware! That God gave you insight! Good for you to take responsibility! Your comment gives me hope and compassion

[@Imthatgirl62]

May I ask what made you aware of your actions? My mom is a narc but I believe she isn't aware of it, she thinks she's just doing the right thing. I don't hate her for it, in fact I love her sm (tho I'm not very sure if it's really love or if it's just some attachment issue) but it gets pretty exhausting at times. I still dream of a good healthy relationship with her, but I don't know how to convince her to work on it with me

[@georginasaunders1782]

As a daughter who most likely will never hear this from my mom, I want to commend you for doing this, for acknowledging, and apologizing to your kids, but mainly for submitting yourself to Jesus! Keep pressing forward.

[@mickieknows7712]

You were probably just repeating what you learned from your narc parents. Thankfully you found out and were able to stop it. A true narc would not be able to do that.

[@Sjieraffe]

Believe me if you wonder you did something wrong you were not narcistic

[@stephanieszabo3616]

This all hit home. I have watched so many videos after realizing i may have a covert narcissist for a mother. The invalidation, the victimhood and martyrdom, turing my dad into an enabler so that both mom and dad would see me as the problem. Thank you for validating how hard this upbringing is. I always had my physical needs met, so I always thought I had "good" parents, that I was the problem. 40 yrs later and I am finally starting to see clearly and unpack some of the damage done.

[@paulaellis6242]

I am an only child, grandma now, and my 94 yr old mom is a narcissist, and I also had my needs met as a child, but WOW how manipulating and arrogant she was, just started to see the damage also. Best of luck. We deserve better!!!!

[@pegasus1102]

I could have written this. Mom Turned dad into an enabler. I am some how always the problem no matter how good I am doing in life. I have to keep telling myself i am not responsible for my moms feelings. I always always had physical needs met to this day they buy me things to have a sense of control over me.

[@deannaholm3799]

Did we have the same life???

[@donnakerr8795]

Yep! Same here. I was always fed, and clothed. That was the love I knew, and believed in. I trusted her. At that time I had no reason not to. Looking back now, with what I know now, I was really on my own! I spent a lot of my time outside, at friends houses, in my bedroom. My mom really never spent much quality time with me. A stay at home mom, she was always “to busy” to spend time with me. It’s really sad looking back now and the thought of being deprived of a childhood that could’ve been different. But, the flip side of all this is, it probably made me stronger. My Dad was totally opposite of her, and also struggled with her. If not for him, things probably would have been worse! She now knows that I’m on to her. She is still a handful. Thankful for all these videos, or I would still be missing that one piece of the puzzle!!❤

[@kaytee4133]

Im you! Except my father is a malignant overt narcissist too. So you can imagine how much fun my life has been!! Thank you for validating my experience with your share, Im currently in enormous grief over it 🙏

[@irismckay6472]

Even though I've been in and out of therapy for 30 years to deal with a covert narcissistic mother and growing up in a doomsday cult, I am still amazed by how healing these videos are. It's as if we need to be constantly reminded that we didn't cause the myriad problems our broken mamas created for us. It's also great to have such a huge community of others who have gone through the same thing. To all my sisters out there dealing with this--keep watching these videos and don't give up on yourself. I've been blessed with having so many healthy relationships with 'mom' like women who have helped mitigate the damage caused by my bio mom.

[@Dhibdic]

I have to remind myself constantly that I’m not crazy. I’m so grateful for these kinds of creators.

[@sherrya6922]

I've searched for mother figures as well

[@smakkdat]

Are doomsday catastrophic scenarios appealing to narcs??? And if so why?

[@deenadamico2673]

​@smakkdat great question. Cults operate in the same ways narcissists do-- think of it as the same manipulation and control tactics, done on a systemic scale to all members. Knowing that, you can see a sort of feedback loop in groups like doomsday cults or political cults: they can both attract and breed narcissists.

[@monkhasheart]

Thank you! I'm 66 and my CN 87 mom to aT. It's most harmful when the adult child becomes ill. Cruelty to the max

[@lorisnyder89]

This entire video hit home for me. Thank you. I am finally processing and starting to heal from a lifetime of emotional abuse. I am amazed that there are so many others that are dealing with this. It makes me so sad. And all that time, I thought I was alone. I wish I knew in my 20s and 30s that I was allowed to set boundaries with my mother. It's necessary for us to heal. Let's pray for each other!

[@Mythics1]

I’m 39 and only now willing to believe she hated me. Better late than never right.

[@lorisnyder89]

@@Mythics1 Better late than never for healing, that's for sure. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. I have found the only way to truly heal and find freedom is to surrender all of it to God, our creator. He never wanted this for us but sin changed everything. He's the only perfect parent and wants us to come to Him so He can give us that gift of forgiveness and healing. We have things we need to be forgiven for even though our parents treated us unfairly. I am lifting you up in prayer today.

[@tamiwatchesstuff]

This resonates with me so much. Unfortunately, I was my mom’s only supply, she had no other children. I had to deal with this nonsense on my own.

[@caligirl1002]

As I listened/watched your video, I don't know how many times I thought of Reese Witherspoon in the movie Little Fires Everywhere. I've seen it 3 times. Not until today, did I realize her character was a total, total, Covert Narcissistic Mom!! Might be an indication of why I watched it 3 times. Her children were all affected in different ways by her. As I watched, I disliked her character more and more. The main feelings I was having were fear, anger, and sadness for her kids. Sadness for myself. I'm a survivor of this kind of covert abuse. My story is long. A trail of narcissitic abuse and physical abuse. When I say a trail, I'm 77 years old. Years of therapy, self help, and learing that I am worthwhile as I am and I don't need to be perfect. Blessings to everyone who posts here and watches these videos. It's good sign we're all on the path to healing. ❤

[@Izz740]

My covert narc mom loved the show and loves Reese

[@Norton57]

My grandmother died a couple years ago, and to see the weight lift off my mom's shoulders is astonishing. She's gone through so much growth! Plus we've been talking honestly about some of the problems learned behaviors caused between her and I. Recently I've (gratefully) struggled realizing my tendency to allow narcissists to close to my inner world, how much time I wasted not expressing/attending to my own needs. Today is always a good day to start over and try again for a more fulfilling, loving life!

[@leslieg8176]

I grew up with a malignant narcissist mom and praise the Lord that Jesus has healed me.

[@mountain10]

I pray He rescues my son and grandson!!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@dougfox9649]

Gone from bad to worse.

[@psalm2764]

Amen. He healed me too. But it took a long time for me to let go and realize my mother simply does not like me. When I was little, she took out an insurance policy on my life. And from there it went from bad to worse. Operations, illness. But He healed me and though I am maimed physically (like Jacob-Israel who halted on his thigh), He gave me a resolute spirit and a will to face the truth.

[@christinemadison6601]

Wow Barbara! You explained my mother to the EXACT narssasist she is! She literally disowned me AND my children, they were 9 and 12 at that time and that was. 14 years ago and I literally haven't spoken to her, my dad or both of my sisters since then! As hard and painful as it was to get through the hurt, for me and my kids, I have to say that I'm SO much more confident in myself and happier, not having her in my life with her CONSTANT dark, negative, judgemental, and extremely condescending, and belittling ways that she treated me my entire life! I have never heard anyone else put the way a covert narssasist is in such a way as you have in this episode, and I thank you! It really helps me to understand that I wasn't imagining certain things and behaviors she had towards me growing up! ❤

[@leialoha70]

I’ve been studying narcissistic behavior, specifically in mothers. This video is the best I’ve watched. Seriously. This is 100% accurate. I also had undiagnosed adhd so I was scapegoated in many ways. I’m still recovering. Distance from family has helped. I see threads of my mom in my older sister, who just discarded me. I have zero of my extended family due to the lies. But I live far away and love my husband and kids.

[@NovaRae91]

I can really relate to you and your experiences! I had undiagnosed ASD amongst other things and I was also the scapegoat of the family. Wishing you so much peace 💖

[@katierojas8066]

I agree. This was my mom to a tee.

[@robertwood4483]

Sounds similar to me my mom did the identical thing same with my older sister and I had undiagnosed adhd too

[@katarinacmar4874]

Do you have any good books or sources about it?

[@vjcarter4657]

Your husband and kids are your family❤❤

[@OneWhoKnowz]

I’m 45 all my life it has impacted me and my relationships

[@kimberlygirten2635]

Thank you for validating us! It’s nice to finally feel like we aren’t crazy and that we really did endure years of abuse that have caused immense and painful and deep wounds

[@elizabethannehobbs8038]

The crying. Oh the crying and laying in bed until you cheer her up. This hits home. Thank you

[@judithfs]

Very interesting and clear summary of my mother, Barbara! I think that people who didn’t experience this can probably never grasp the horror of it, because it is so toxic that folks would have a hard time believing it. Worse still, you grow up thinking your are worthless. I'm 62 now and still working through it, despite having had the therapy and been successful at work etc. Your comments about the fathers being too scared to stand up to it were spot on. My father stood by and watched as my mother annihilated me, even as an adult, and did nothing. She died 15 years ago and my sister has taken her place in the family dynamic, so I'm doing low contact, which is hard, but necessary for my mental health. Hey ho!

[@pegm5937]

The dad part resonates. I'm currently working through being pissed off with him (he died a number of years ago, but I'm just figuring this out) for not being the grown up. It was his job to protect my sister and me and he failed us. Both angry and sad about that.

[@EH23831]

My father was a narcissist as well - they divorced when I was 6. My step dad never stepped up

[@KariMotley]

My brother was the golden child. We have completely different experiences from childhood. He was constantly praised, his needs were treated far more imperative than anyone else’s, anytime he did something wrong or hurtful to someone else it was excused and brushed off. He remembers our childhood being amazing, I remember it being very painful, frustrating and volatile. So because that’s how I remember it, there’s something “wrong” with me and I’m ungrateful.

[@JDVG601]

It does not sound that your mother or parents were narcissists. Maybe there are different types, but I was the golden child and all my narcissistic mother did was complain or criticise whenever anything was not as she wanted. Praise? I don´t remember ever getting any real praise. If your brother had a good childhood and was praised and received compliments by his mother, she wasn´t a narcissist as far as I can see. Obviously treating children differently and having a favorite is not nice. But that´s another topic,

[@blackmoondragoon4862]

Hi Kathy I remember similar things from my childhood, in my case it was is my older sister. Still I love her. I think, I am convinced my mom is was a covert narcicist. Now that I know about what covert narcissism is. At the same time it's so hard to keep distance to my mom. This makes it even harder to be angry at these parents, seeing that maybe they can't do anything about it. And at the same time you have to distance yourself in order to be halfway healthy yourself

[@flowerpower3618]

If you are able to leave now. I’m 65, my mom is 93. I’m stuck and I wish this was a thing when 8 was young. My mother can make me anxious and depressed

[@masaniazura2131]

You're not "stuck". You have hard decisions to make to save your own life. I'm 73 and I finally "GOT IT!" about our 93 year old mom. Yeah...kinda too late, I'm discovering. I've never married, no kids. What the big reveal was for me was Mom yelled at the nurse practitioner during the appointment, "She's mine! She belongs to me!" And, my life passed before my eyes as I realized what had happened to my life. Yeah, she wouldn't let me date, "no one pne's you," "they're just fooling you," ; regarding my female friends, she wouldn't acknowledge they couldn't come visit. She decided and told people I was a lesbian when I would socialize with them. She wanted me ALL to herself and I was to be her obedient child.

[@flowerpower3618]

@@masaniazura2131 oh man. That’s stinks. So sorry.

[@zdem8259]

My mother fits your description almost perfectly. Saddly, I needed a long time to come across this knowledge and finally be able to understand my childhood and unravel the knots in my heart. You describe behaviour of such moms very clearly and it made me to connect some things and understand it better. It's true, such mother is a disaster to their children. I was sort of rebellious child from a birth, so to be said, I was never what she wanted me to be from the start, as she wanted me to be a boy - so she had a tremendous need, or even a pleasure, to beat me down again and again for every tiny thing. She put on an unscrupulous war with me for two decades.... I had to clean, cook, take care of younger sister, was not allowed to have friends or any other commodities... with endless reminders how she provides me food and clothes (which were all used, from cousins, by the way...) ... I learned to read by myself at age of 5 but she didn't allow me to read , thou I did read tons of books anyway, borrowing from library behind her back... - in secret, under the blanket or when she wasn't home.... she somehow knew that books were my escape from her, that's why she hated them so much... I think books really saved me from breaking down into mental illness as they were showing me different worlds and gave me hope. She denied every aspect of my personality by criticism and forcibly pushing me into her expectations. When I reached 20 years old I was an emotional wreck of a person, with no self esteem, I had nothing else left but a will to get free from her. I left home, which she commented as me being ungrateful for her sacrifices, but I was ready to be a beggar rather than going back home. I started new life and had to learn everything about myself anew: how to laugh, how to accept myself, how not always to look over my shoulder if there is somebody who wants to put me down... In every aspect of my life I was discovering new sediments of the damages I had in my soul, specially when I formed relationships with new people. I was desperate to get love and that desperation is newer good base for anything healthy. So, I had hard time to allow myself to be who I really am - it took me more than 40 years to really save myself. To realize I'm nice, intelligent and lovable person who deserves to be loved. I can say now I'm really free. Free of waiting that she will ever say: you are my beloved child whom I acknowledge and accept. This was the hardest thing for me: to stop hoping for her to take me the way I am. She newer did. It was hard to accept: she never loved me, not a bit. Now I know she really never loved anybody, not even herself. I finally understand that the love, she didn't give me, I can give it to me myself, without clogging in the waiting room where I expected to get love from her or others. I'm working on having a blast for the rest of my life - being grateful for everything, living a fulfilled existence and loving myself as much as I possibly can.

[@psalm2764]

I ran after my mother my whole life, until I was about 47. I finally realized she had been using me as a trash can for all of her negative emotions about herself. It is sad, but she has to deal with her own emotions by herself and stop using me as a crutch.

[@Betruetotgeyself]

I’m a clinical therapist. This is the best narrative I have heard to share with my clients. Thank you!

[@dustintaylor4263]

Thank you. My mom was covert in that she always withdrew affection if I didn't cater to her every emotion and she is always bragging about how good of a son she raised, yet I have no recollection of her actually being a compassionate mother to me. It actually infuriates me when she says those things because I feel like I was the one who had to raise her.

[@sabeaniebaby]

I really appreciate you mentioning one child being the source of supply, as opposed to the golden child or scapegoat which so many other people make reference to. I'm so embarrassed for how old I was before I heard the term "covert narcissist ", allowing my entire reality to start falling into place. At 51 I'm just starting to work on ... I guess it's called recovery.

[@LW3117-r3s]

It’s the same for me, I have known about NPD for 10 years now since a freind alerted me to it and knew my ex husband well. But he was overt and the traits just didn’t fit my mother. Only this year did I realise this other very covert type of narcissm fitted my mother like a glove and so much now makes sense. I’m 56 years!

[@pamb8797]

Thank you Barbara for your description of the covert narcissism in mothers. Your description is more expansive and realistic than what I've heard before. For me, it was helpful to see how I (as an empath) was used for more of her narcissistic supply. I also found it helpful to see more clearly how she played the martyr and got the father roped into her manipulative agenda. At the same time her extreme behaviors with me, continuously playing the perfect mom narrative, made it impossible for others to see the damage she did in my relationship with her. Now when I confront her about her part in our damaged relationship, she chooses silent treatment. I thank you for adding more clarity to my understanding of this traumatic experience.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Incredibly useful!!!…..neglected and manipulated. Need to do the work. But brain left body after daughter died three years ago at 27. Been seeking help for the past three years for covert narcissistic abuse. CANT find a person. I believe this work needs to be done in person and even in a group for CPTSD survivors. ….so tired. Everything is a gigantic struggle. Brain left my body due to daughter death, realizing I was for sure narcissisticly abused all my life. Story is convoluted….bees qualified and appropriate help ….9one on one Oy r in a group

[@druzilla6442]

​@mysterydiaz5302 I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter❤️ And I hope you find treatment that works for you, I'm looking too but it's not that easy when there's other problems on top of it all. I wish you good health and brighter days on your path to recovery✨️

[@EH23831]

Same - I was 50 before I came across it and everything fell in place!

[@Eric-bp9gr]

This is by far the single greatest KZbin video I've ever seen, it has literally changed my life. I was able to take the information that you exquisitely conveyed to the audience, outline the behavioral traits and back that up with concrete examples and the effects of the subsequent damages by my mother. And while acting covertly (haha) and meeting with key family members who bought the story I'm finally able to vocalize what I always felt on the inside but was just never able to project effectively. Now I can finally get to therapy I've been begging for for years that I've been unable to afford and I don't know how to thank you. A tremendous weight has been lifted and I haven't even been to my first therapy session. I can breathe deep again for the first time since my father died. If a KZbin video at 5:00 in the morning can I have that profound effect on my life I can only imagine how much you improve the community as a whole in your work. I don't understand what about this video did it or made it click but it did and I'll be grateful for the rest of my life Ms Heffernan

[@Amandinhah2010]

Anyone who has lived with a narcissist understands the difficulty we have in punctuating and positioning ourselves when we are mistreated. We believe that what we hear is an absolute truth, that the person is right to tell us that and we don't react, we just accept it. Outsiders quickly notice and ask us: why didn't you respond? Why do you accept this? The answer is: we have been conditioned to accept this treatment, to be their supply, to not have the inner strength to free ourselves from this toxic treatment, because "we are like this, we deserve to be treated like this". Therapy is the way, but I believe we will live with guilt for the rest of our lives, feeling ungrateful for pushing the narcissist away or giving the limit we were never taught to give!

[@DanceChickaDee]

Facts

[@Brio9]

Absolutely not! I went no contact almost nine years ago and I don’t feel guilty at all. I know that none of what she did to me was ever my fault and that she was a total liar from start to finish. They project all of their negative feelings about themselves onto us and their bad behaviours. They will never take responsibility for their wrongdoing. If a narcissist ever apologizes to you, it’s either a “fauxpology” or you’re being manipulated and they want something from you…don’t be conned! They never change. My mother called me a liar all my life because she was projecting her own dishonesty onto me. There is nothing more frustrating than being called a liar when you know you’re telling the truth, but you can’t prove it and you know this person will never stop saying that you’re a liar, no matter what. It drove me absolutely nuts until I learned the truth at the age of 50. She always knew I was telling the truth, but she would never allow me to know that. I also finally realized that the way to know what she was guilty of was to pay more attention to her behaviour than her words. The words of a narcissist can never be trusted, but their behaviour can be very revealing, especially as they get older and their memory fails them. They just can’t keep the lies straight anymore. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to go “no contact.” It’s the best gift you can ever give yourself. Being alone is far better than having her and/or family members who defend her. No matter how tempted you are, don’t let her back in your life or anyone else who judges you for turning your back on people who treat you like that. Treat yourself with respect and only allow people in your life who treat you with respect, kindness, and dignity. They are the only ones who deserve your presence and time. Learn about boundaries and stick to them.

[@janeway73]

Even if you are aware of who they are and stand up to them early, you are still in their trap as a child, and they know it. Healing is a slow process and begins with no contact, which helps to finally separate from them..

[@Askalott]

You nailed my childhood. And adulthood. As the family scapegoat, I started using opiates to cope with the resulting emotional pain, and that made it even easier for my narc mom (and dad) to scapegoat me. Obviously no one believes the drug addict. My parents actually used my substance use disorder to get even more vicious toward me, pretending that their cruelty and need to control was genuine concern for my well-being. All they have ever been concerned about is how they look as parents to the outside world, and my substance use disorder jeopardized that. It took me a long time to gain clarity on all this. Thank you for validating my experience with this video.

[@janb.9046]

Recovering alcoholic here. When rehab told her she needed help cuz its a family disease: I'M not the one with the problem. I can relate to your struggles.

[@Askalott]

@@janb.9046 I’ve heard that one before. “EYE don’t have a problem, YOU have a problem.” Even before my substance use. Thanks for commenting 🙂 Hope you’re doing well now.

[@meegansandberg1308]

I was never really "physically addicted to alcohol, but I sure did abuse hell out it in my younger years. I was trying to deaden the pain my dysfunctional family was causing me. I was in denial about being abused, mainly by my narcissistic mother. She hated my heavy drinking and harped me all the time. Always making it out to be ten times worse than it really was. She liked to play the poor, long suffering mother and even went so far as to try to take custody of my children when I was in rehab. She never once visited me or called me in rehab. She didn't want to rub elbows with "people like that ". Even when my rehab counselor called her and explained it was important to visit me at least once to show family support, she wouldn't come. She said her husband had to drive for a living and they didn't want to make the drive.

[@citytrees1752]

It's very telling that they go after the person/child who is most empathetic. I had this experience with an elderly woman that I tried to help after her husband died. I moved in with her temporarily to help her with home maintenance, yard work, and selling furniture. I showed her a great deal of empathy in the first 2 months because I thought she was grieving. She wasn't. She demonstrated those 6 traits to a T. I thought I was going insane. Once I stopped listening to her and my only responses were a sharp NO or YES, she backed right off. She got upset that I was 'spending all my time in the garage' and 'keeping secrets'. She didn't really want help with physical stuff - she just wanted constant attention and a victim. I moved out as quickly as I could and haven't spoken to her since. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be her daughter.

[@christinebravomom5711]

WHAT A JOY this was to hear!!!! "Pay a lot of attention to appearances" "You're the one who is the problem" "Isolating" "They can't feel okay unless they're above" "I wasn't hit." "Abusive environment." ... ding ding ding. I tried for a number of years to change the script. The net result was that my siblings stopped acknowledging my existence. I could go to family gatherings and they would literally not look at me or respond when I spoke to them. I realized I had nothing to lose and a lot to gain by withdrawing completely from my dysfunctional family. When one of my brothers died, we were not invited to the funeral. Another brother sent his eulogy to me in which he had listed my brother's surviving nieces and nephews; my daughters were not listed. It was such a gratuitously nasty thing to do, yet he was the nicest of my five siblings. I didn't much care when Pop died, but I was hugely relieved when Mom died. I don't miss any of my siblings, but I often grieve for the family I wish I had had.

[@hannahbenge8677]

6

[@mega-lomart7154]

My mom once threw me a party, that I begged her for weeks not to throw me, for my fifth year of sobriety. When she demanded/tricked me into coming over for a quick minute to get something and bombarded me with a “party” she then spent a good 45 minutes scolding me and calling me ungrateful for crying 😂 I’m almost ten years sober now, thanks mom.

[@BobbiGail]

Holy crap. I am so sorry. No consideration for what you really want or need.

[@KarenH-i9l]

Congratulations on your successes, you are taking very good care of yourself. Thank you for sharing this victory with us in a way that YOU are comfortable with and consent to. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You are worthy of love and admiration. You are a whole person, even if all the pieces are not yet aligned. You are loved.

[@VCruzdrums]

That’s horrible I’m so sorry .

[@lklein9262]

This sounds exactly like my 16th birthday party. I begged my mom for weeks not to make me go to a children's play center. She made me go and made me invite kids I didn't want, and gave me strange, childish gifts like a Care Bear lunch box and small sized princess towels. She almost acted excited but also like it was a joke leading up to a surprise that didn't happen. I cried. She yelled at me for being ungrateful and told me she'd never throw me a party ever again. Ironically enough, she did the same thing for my 30th. Again, I cried, because even as a married adult with a family, I still couldn't have the special day I wanted. What was worse, was that for my 16th, I thought I had shown and proven how adult I was becoming. My dad had just died, I didn't cause any problems, studied and did homework, helped where I was allowed, and made straight A's that semester.

[@susancampbell2859]

You just described my life. I'm 60 y.o. I SO wish I had this information when I was a young woman. Thank you for validating all the events and feelings and understanding of why I'm the way I am.

[@brinbirdd2729]

Hits home. Hard! I felt almost sick after watching this. I spent so long trying to deny everything and thinking it was all in my head. This video really made me look deep. I was the bad child that rebelled and she made sure that everyone knew it. I can't go to a family function without hearing how horrible i was when i was 15 years old, and today I'm almost 40 years old. It's hard!

[@aselyne5631]

Story of my life. I only have God by my side literally

[@taradouglas9546]

My mom had 3 children 2 boys and a girl. I am the girl and the youngest my brothers are 8 and 11 yrs older. Non of us are close and I grew up very rebellious and was always fighting with my mother. Despite the major age differences my mother was so good at keeping us separated and having relationships with each other and the lies, so many lies. My brothers thought I was the golden child and was spoiled rotten as did others such as family and friends. I finally broke free and my mother is dead now but I had stepped away years before her death and i shined like never before. I always was told you will regret walking away when she dies. I did not regret it when she died because I had already made peace with my decision. I was there when she passed and she had the most evil look on her face when she died and I felt nothing when she passed. I was only there when she passed for my brothers and I have sense realized that my middle brother is a narcissist as well and have cut ties. It sucks and it hurts deeply and I will always love my brothers but it’s amazing how one person can destroy so many lives. I am happy to say I love my life and I am the person I am today because of all the crap I went through. I am the only sibling that is truly happy and has an amazing life now.

[@presleydeen]

Same

[@mjbreitmeyer6021]

My mother described word for word

[@surfkat59]

Mine also.

[@suehb3995]

💯✅️

[@kellycastagnola4189]

Mine too 😢

[@divinelight4475]

Same - the poor me, shopping trips and fat shaming, taking care of Mum & her feelings 😥

[@juliana.x0x0]

That freaked me out a bit, how accurate that was for me also.

[@pushista9322]

I'm glad to see the rise of videos about this on KZbin! It helps so much to deal with occasionally returning pain. Even though I'm in my late thirties and went no contact a few years ago it's helpful to go through the main points together with a lot of people who share my experience.

[@Joe32942]

You described perfectly my childhood. My "mother" still to this day thinks I am an extension of her own personality and talks with strangers about me as if she would be part of my life and part of the decisions I make so them make her look in a certain way. It couldn't be further from the truth. Very toxic and just sad, because due to her parenting I grown up with no abilities to bond with other individuals. I couldn't develop my own personality. She made a "mini me", which I am trying to get away from.

[@somethingbambi875]

I feel with you ❤

[@annikatan378]

I feel you on this sentiment, too ❤

[@RainbowSunshineRain]

I’m sorry you had to go through this. And you have described so vividly my experience as well. I wish there was a support group for such children, it feels so validating and healing to share these experiences.

[@meegansandberg1308]

My mom always wanted a mini me too. She also liked to project her character flaws on me. "You're that way. I don't have any flaws. " I, too, have problems forming close bonds with others. The only people I have ever been close with was a married couple I've known since high school. Covid took them both. It's pretty lonely these days.

[@Joe32942]

sending hugs and love your way. Thank you for appriciating my message.@@meegansandberg1308

[@lauramc4fun]

This is like watching someone describe my life... I finally walked away from her for good. Sometimes it's difficult, but it was the only way to heal. I kept wondering why that relationship just wasn't working. I thought it was me. My father was also a narcissist and I was an only child, so I had no-one.. This just brings it all home for me.

[@psalm2764]

I agree. I'm originally from the States and used to fly back "home" from Germany every year as the dutiful daughter to visit her mother. And she always subjected me to abuse - both she and my step-father. One year while visiting, she fell and hurt her knee and the next day their dog ran up behind me and from a stand-still threw me to the ground. I could hardly get up and after that for weeks I could hardly open my mouth to eat. I will never forget, how, after I had just fallen outside on their concrete patio, my mother charged me with taking her to a near by x-ray studio to have her knee examined. I told her I had just fallen and could not move my head and should probably not drive. But she insisted. Long story short, I returned to Germany and 1/2 year later finally got the CT scan I had been begging my doctor to order. The diagnosis was a broken neck (Dens-Axis). Normally, I would have died on their concrete patio floor. But by the grace of God He healed me and I lived through it. The difficult thing to accept was that my mother could not really have cared less and my step-father even more so. Since then, I have not returned to visit them in Arizona. I don't bear grudges, but I do view their attitudes as pitifully pathetic and hope they will one day repent of their envy and hard-heartedness.

[@lauramc4fun]

@@psalm2764 I'm glad you survived and I'm glad you're finally free

[@sherrya6922]

I feel sorry for my father because he's going through a life of hell he has to live with her

[@hoasam5786]

You just describe my mother

[@cloudwalker8266]

Just discovered your channel. This is by far the best description of a covert narcissist mother I've ever heard. Thank you! ❤

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome! And I appreciate your letting me know. Wishing you health and healing.

[@rachellerockel]

Yes, agreed. Thanks!

[@XaaraSJilani]

My mother's favorite lines are, "I changed your diapers so you must do blank for me", "I breastfed you so you must do blank for me" She forgets that it was also her who told me over and over again in my childhood that I was an unplanned and unwanted child and she did so much to abort me "but I was stubborn" and she was disappointed when I was born. It took me a very long time to understand the level of manipulation. My eyes popped open when she was playing the victim again a few years ago and emotionally blackmailed me to pick her up (she can drive and has a car) to take her to watch a movie. On the way, she said to my then 6 year old "I don't know why I love you. I never loved your mother " The saddest part is that she made me such a people pleaser that even after that, I went grey rock to protect my kid, not myself. It's only the last couple of years that I started loving and honoring myself.

[@ElizaFabricius]

Thank you for this video. It's important that more and more people understand this. I survived a covert narcissist mother. I wish I had known all of this information as a child, but unfortunately their wasn't a lot of information available and people weren't talking about it. Thankfully, as I got older, I got wiser and completely cut her out of my life, sought therapy, and used writing to heal and share my experience in the hopes of helping others. Keep spreading the word. These people need to be exposed.

[@antiquejean]

I am going to have to revisit this with a pen & paper to take notes. So many things you're saying, I'm recognizing. I'm in late 50's now. When mom passed away a few years ago, my siblings living further away seemed to experience more grief than I. I had more questions than grief "why did you do that mom, why were you like that? " Always tried to make me look bad. Hated when I married someone who adored me. (she never actually said that, but constantly picked fights with him, and constantly belittled me to him). Fake "super people pleaser" as you described, then talked badly about every single person behind their backs to me. I've started reading & listening about narcissists lately, and if she wasn't one she did have many traits.

[@aekiameh6144]

Wow. I hesitantly clicked on this video. I have watched some other videos on this topic, but your video is the first that made me feel seen/heard/understood. The way you talked and described not only the covert narcissist, but also 'me', with such kindness/understanding in your voice...that hit me. I went NC with both my parents last year, and people around me just don't understand why. "But you have such great parents!" And for a long time I believed that too. The perfect mom. I was the problem child. I always believed it was normal to please your mom, to have a dad constantly stick up for your mother, to be told constantly 'how you've hurt your mom". To be told to be more grateful. Having to constantly do something back in return to their 'help'. To be told over and over again how as a baby I already pushed my mom away when she tried to comfort me, and thus rejecting her. The constant mixed signals she/they would give, which always made me to be on edge. The "we will not talk to you for a while because you've hurt us", always dismissing my feelings. Always striving to be perfect, to be 'good'. Thank you for this video, for speaking so empathically towards 'us', the children of a covert narcissist. I feel seen. I wasn't to blame.

[@museunicorn]

When I was in second grade, my mom was friends with a lady (who later married my uncle) who had a daughter we played with. One day, the daughter went to her toy box and gave me a little felt cat. I hid it in the car because I was going to give it to my mom as a gift. A few days later, my mom came to my classroom and pulled me out into the hallway and accused me of stealing the cat. Not only did she falsely accuse me, she actually said she SAW me steal it off her friend's dresser. I KNEW this wasn't TRUE, but the cognitive dissonance was so intense!! How could my MOM be WRONG??? I apologized and cried and she shamed me deeply. I learned that I couldn't trust myself. My mom was notorious for withholding love if you crossed her...and for giving toxic "gifts" to manipulate you back into her orbit if you strayed too far. We grew up in the Pentecostal church and my whole life, even into adulthood, it felt as though my mom was the expert on God and if we didn't agree with her we were WRONG! I was so terrified of going to hell if I didn't align with her. I live in a state I despise because I'm afraid she'll die if I leave. I have been enmeshed with my mom most of my life. It wasn't until my son was born and she became abusive to him that I was able to set boundaries and endure her wrath to protect him. I still feel like I have to make everything ok for everyone else and my needs are last on the list. Thank you for sharing this video - I am looking forward to learning more on healing.

[@Jenny-uv4dl]

Protect your SON at all costs please stop the abuse at your generation please build yourself up for your son he TAKE CARE OF YOU so you can care for him you aren't going to hell you grew up in an extreme religion I did too STOP PUT YOUR FOOT DWN also watch I believe Tim fletcher about CPTSD which you might have I wish you peace & calm

[@museunicorn]

@@Jenny-uv4dl thank you. I will look him up!

[@fenixrise1272]

Thank you for your validation. My mother did all of the things you talk about. I now have to take care of her in the old age and she’s even worse. I minimise contact but she squeezes all the guilt tripping and fake (or real) sadness when I rush out the door. My therapist says it’s all out on and she’s truly just pissed off at me. I tried to talk to her about her behaviour but she just acts shocked and says I’m wrong about everything. I feel so awful about myself as a person after every single time I see her. My friends and family provide the opposite feedback to me and tell me great things about me. But how can I stop feeling so awful? Sometimes it takes me days to recover. I feel poisoned

[@mohammadsszai3019]

Welcome to the Real world

[@StephanieDamery-cb1gj]

Our moms shouldn't make us feel that way. Sounds like we have the same mom. I tried to salvage the relationship with my mom, but she only plays games and tries to hurt me. They will never change. Just live your best life, and don't let her manipulate you. All the best...

[@granmabern5283]

@@mohammadsszai3019yep. Discovering their fault does not excuse us from our sacred duty to honour them. It does, however, teach us that we MUST “ love yourself as you love your neighbours “. Christ Loves us.❤

[@fenixrise1272]

@@StephanieDamery-cb1gj thank you so much. Today is yet another day of the same feeling. I’m trying to get out of it by just doing stuff and distracting myself

[@StephanieDamery-cb1gj]

@@fenixrise1272 I am doing the same. This life is so tough. I hope you find beauty and joy today!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I realise now that when I grew up, nether of them had the patience or empathy to listen to me so they branded me paranoid and sensitive. And when I referred to that, age 48, they couldn't acknowledge that they were leß than perfect, so they had to brand me aggressive, emotional, angry. They are incapable of self-reflection. It hurts. But I know now, I was a normal child. They shamed me for the slightest sign of any emotion that wasn't gratitude or positivity.

[@LeahZ777]

I've been branded as several of those things too by my mom. And again recently, because of the election, even after just spending my well earned money traveling across the country to visit her, she said with guilt tripping contempt that it 'breaks her heart' that after the great education she provided me, how could I possibly be so swayed to vote for the other idiots. I'm a 57 y/o researcher, a successful business owner and professional, and surely do my homework and think for myself, but that's not good enough, I'm still not supposed to have a mind of my own... Also, Golden Child narc sister can do no wrong, still single, healthy and living on handouts beyond her 40s, and when she's not there to shut me down with her entitled virtue signaling , angry daggers and pick fights, there is a strange discomfort almost like panic when mom is alone with me. I couldn't figure it out, but now I think she's probably afraid that I might still be that rebellious independent teenage daughter who will call her out 😮on her BS. It's all becoming so clear now! They don't want to hear about anything healing or reasonable, especially if they can mock it as psychobabble.

[@lb1203]

Oh my god this is making me sick to my stomach! I'm physically shaking. This is EVERYTHING I dealt with growing up!!! Thank you for making this video.... I think I finally am ready to admit I need therapy. I had a moment of suicidal ideation when I was a teen, then my younger brother said he also at several points of his life he wanted to kill himself. Then my older brother recently told me when he was a teen he also wanted to kill himself. It finally opened my eyes that maybe our childhood wasn't as great as we thought if all three of us wanted to commit suicide at some point! I was the favored child, my older brother was the scape goat and young brother was the forgotten child. It's clear as day to me now!

[@brittanykelly1261]

Hugs. I’ve always known that there was “something wrong” with my mom for years -and now I have an answer. Watching this made me very angry/sad and wanting to throw up too. Now I have a name for her behavior at least. Wishing you all the best.

[@madamxilant17]

My mother has now passed away and she was a covert narcissist. I starting pushing back and figuring it out in high school her bad "habits", but spent a lifetime dealing with her behaviors. What makes a person a narcissist? Where did it begin for her? ...from birth (brain wiring), from childhood (trauma event) or is it a learned behavior (mimic/osmosis)? I could not help but feel incredibly and deeply sorry for her that she did not love herself enough, after all she was my mother and I did love her despite her ways. Her self esteem was a bottomless pit that could not be filled by others, but that is where she looked for it to be filled.

[@EH23831]

I think the current thinking is that narcissists did not get their needs met, and were never made to feel safe and loved as a very small child. This makes them grow up fearful, with a huge need for validation (supply) that can never be filled. All the behaviours they exhibit come from this infillable need/insecurity. Dr Ramani has a video on how they’re made

[@madamxilant17]

@@EH23831 Thank you, makes sense and is sad. She did grow up in a very large family.

[@noelmorin8250]

It’s from how they were raised; they could have had a traumatic experience as a child.

[@psalm2764]

I think the narcissist has a deep need to project his/her shame upon an envied target.

[@justmeliving782]

My mom definitely has NPD, and she married someone and had me with a guy that either also is a narcissist or has BPD. It’s hard to tell. But they fought relentlessly. For so long I idolized my mom because she was going through my dad being super aggressive and abusive, but as I grew I realized she was also doing stuff to hurt me but it was different. She is a strange one, but she hold me back to this day. I ended up repeating family cycles with my choice of husband, and had to come back to live with my mom, and now I’m stuck and if it were up to her I would be trapped here forever. Doing whatever she wants and having no life. Anytime I try and talk about me working or doing something she either puts it down, straight up and says I need to not worry about it she will put me wherever she wants. And she walks around talking about how she has to go to work and junk. Like. Idk what to do. I can’t just leave. I have two kids now. And I’m very dependent on her. She loves it. And I can’t get her to give me any freedom. I also very much struggle with learned helplessness because it doesn’t matter what I’m doing she has something to say about what’s wrong with it. My whole life. I haven’t met many people I can trust with this info because she is so good to me right? Lol. I was trained for my whole life to be a true people pleaser. For her. I’m really struggling with the idea I’ll be trapped her forever. Hopeless isn’t a strong enough word.

[@mubareka__]

This video made me feel so seen. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so grateful after recognising the covert narcissism in my ex husband, I started uncovering the layers of my childhood trauma which involved learning about my own mother's covert narcissism. She chose me. I never felt seen as a child.. I'm grateful I've healed a lot of it - still comes up but I'm breaking the cycles hugely with my son after years of therapy, parenting courses and coaching.. I now coach others on their healing journey ❤

[@kimnolte237]

I’m so glad I found you. I’ve watched several others speaking about Narcissism who were also good but I get so much from your delivery. Thank you!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Welcome aboard! Thank you for letting me know :)

[@cadoo5591]

Thank you for your video. My mother was the worst, she zeroed in on me and ruined my life. My three siblings and I don't speak to this day and I am finally feeling comfortable about it. I stumbled on the meaning of narcissism only a couple of years ago and have been on a quest for more information ever since. I'm on my 3rd marriage and he has turned out to be just as bad as the others. I have drawn narcissists to me throughout my life. One marriage counseler had told me "you marry both your mother and your father" and I see this now! They seem so wonderful like my Dad in the beginning and then when it's too late for me to run away their realness comes through and damned if it isn't my mother!! I'm finally understanding. I've been with the same therapist for almost three years now, it's time to change I think. She doesn't really seem to grasp the "narcissist" thing and the fact that I'm an empath - figured that one out too only recently. Thank goodness for KZbin.

[@kymf4761]

I am the middle child and only daughter of three children. I am now 58 and just watched your video. I’ve been in therapy for five years and kept telling my therapist my relationship with my mother is not typical. I couldn’t explain it and it was brushed off. This video explains exactly what I have been dealing with. Thank you for putting this out there! I desperately needed this!

[@ejlabbe5632]

I'm 26, I had a mom exactly like this. I have 5 siblings that also dealt with this. Her go-to was to put us all against each other while picking a favorite. Until the favorite disagrees, then turns us all against that one and moves on to who ever was the most sympathetic one as her new favorite. Anyway, this is the first time I've tried educating myself on narcissistic behaviors because I cut off my mom from myself and my children months ago, and in return she turned all my entire family and extended family against me. I'm completely outcast and I'm "crazy" or whatever she tells them. So hearing all this, I'm finding that I'm taking the blame still. Like she got me so fucked up I'm convincing myself that IM the narcissistic person. I'm the problem. I keep having to refocus and remind myself that I don't even actually do these things. I hear "te narcissist is selfish " and in my head I go "I'm selfish" even tho that not even the slightest bit true. It's what I've been taught tho. I'm noticing how conditioned I actually am to believe that I am bad. I don't deserve. I'm not worthy. And I am really getting so desperate to break out of that idea bcuz I KNOW that it's not true about me at all. Uhg. Craziness. Thank you for this video its teaching me a lot.

[@djwendy]

Check out the book Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie. It’s sooooo good! Helped me so much. ❤

[@elisevialette5306]

You are still very young, it took me ages to put a name on what i went through with my mother. Thanks to all these videos and books on this subject which are now so well documented can we finally name the situation which will help to distance yourself from it and see how you are the victim and how very difficult it is to extract yourself of her psychological grip.