How To Heal From A Narcissistic Parent

[@SteveZanella]

The hardest part about cutting off my narcissistic mother was dealing with how easily she was able to turn my brothers against me. But after doing my work and healing my pain, I’ve built a life I love and surround myself with people who lift me up rather than drag me down. It has been a long process but it is possible. Much love to all of you dealing with this struggle in your life!❤

[@joanneandrade5032]

I stopped speaking to my mom for 3 months, and then we started talking again. It's all very surface. But the damage was done. I no longer have a relationship with either brother and am starting to rebuild and look for the family I choose. I'm not there yet. But I'm optimistic.

[@SteveZanella]

@@joanneandrade5032 Hang in there. It will get better with time. Keep doing your work and you'll find your people.

[@juliathomas2807]

Keep healing 🙏🏾 I cut my mother off since July and it was hard at first but as time has gone on it has got easier with the help of counselling and support from friends and my daughter. You just have to take each day as they come ☺️

[@paisleyjane14]

I found that literally every other human I encountered in life was far kinder and more generous to me than anyone I grew up with. Open up your life to little , easy relationships (neighbours, classmates) and I know you will find the same thing! Best wishes to you ❤️

[@khadydia5554]

Yes that so my mum, she put my sister against me…

[@janetkosatka9724]

My narcissistic mother died in 2017. I don't miss her. It was a relief not to have to deal with her.

[@FlorencioVillain]

My mother has always expressed that she wanted to die she always said she didn't feel loved by her kids yet she rarely showed love she till this day attempts to manipulate she has just failed her fourth marriage I know she will blame it on me because I exposed him for wanting to divide my family and for some reason isolate my kids

[@kenyattamufumbey.4785]

​@FlorencioVillain Wow! It's disheartening to have a parent like this who didn't show love and support. I understand perfectly well.

[@cynthiaklug6020]

I have imagined how I’ll feel; free, relieved, happy, sad, sorry?? Thank you for sharing how you feel !

[@AbasionoUsanga-mg1eq]

😮‍💨 Peace at last ✌️ ❤

[@derekmaullo2865]

Best feeling ever

[@KimberlyKostelnik-bj3uq]

This is incredibly validating. I feel supported just by reading these comments. We are not alone. I finally cut off my mother after years of emotional abuse and a PTSD diagnosis.

[@Bertil123]

Me to ❤

[@helensales2872]

They made a choice to be that way!

[@iamcolettestyles]

Me to but I haven’t got diagnosed with PTSD but I have nightmares about my mother how she was being mean and evil towards me

[@ozi618]

​@iamcolettestyles I saw a nightmare about my mother last week. In my dream I bursted into tears and shouted at her "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!" I wake up, I was soaking wet and I still had tears in my eyes. That morning I called my mother, she'd been staying with my sister in law's house as a guest whom I went no contact a couple of years ago. My mother wanted me to call my sister in law because she said she feels uncomfortable and a little bit embarrassed about me not speaking to my sister in law. I told her that I am not comfortable with talking to someone who doesn't care about me and who's no longer in my life." I hang up the phone and I haven't spoken to my mother since. My mother lives with us and she didn't come back home yet. The thing is I feel relieved and I don't care if she comes back or not.

[@iamcolettestyles]

@@ozi618 I feel you my mom don’t give a shit about me either I try to tell her how bad she hurt me and all she say is I’m bringing up the past that happened 2 years ago and she said she is going to block me so I block her first i don’t care anymore I’m done done with my mom she assumed that I’m drunk cause I’m expressing my feelings I’m so done with her

[@AG-iy9md]

I just cut off my 90 year old narc mother. It was HARD!!! But it was devastating to find out she didn't care and that I could have been free sooner. 😢 Dont let them fool you! Even at 90, a narc can still be a narc!

[@paisleyjane14]

Me too! Just figured it out last summer. She will be 89 in march. People say don’t you want to see her before she dies. No. Not at all. I’ve gotta setup a community for us to talk. Folks just don’t believe the extent of the abuse. Only we know. Big hugs. 🥰 we are NOT alone !

[@Peaceharmony-q9v]

The Narcs just get worse with age. My parents got very cantankerous in old age along side being narcs.

[@nkolemwaba2526]

I've noticed in my family that the narcs live long and that people around them die premature deaths. My desire for healing comes from me, not wanting to be a casualty after going through a season of stress related illness.

[@laurabernard2094]

I was 65 when I went no contact and set myself free with GODS HELP!!! Extremely difficult but was certainly worth it. In getting out totally I found myself and growing closer to spirit and my genuine source spirit!!! God Bless You all in your journeys ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🙏🙏🙏✝️

[@amythompson6869]

I recently had to cut off my 82 year old narc mother. Hardest part is I’m an only child as is she. Therefore she has no one but me and my husband. She has COPD,congestive heart failure, and can barely walk with a cane. She rarely bathes, is a terrible hoarder,and truthfully needs to be in a nursing home but will NEVER go. Her house is so filthy that she fears someone might see in her house. This keeps us from hiring anyone to come in to help in any way, clean, do laundry, nursing care, anything! She’s extremely in my business, judgemental, gives unsolicited advice, and gets soooooo mad over nothing! She hurls insults and the other day said she wanted to hit me in the head with a wrought iron flower hanger pole. My grandparents pretty much raised me, thankfully. She is still so jealous of my relationship with my grandmother and she’s been dead for 24 years. She also locked herself in her bedroom and told me she was overdosing when I was 12 and again when I was 18, over a man.😒 She’s been divorced 4x. She’s thrown fits in about 13 drs offices. She ruined nearly every event our twins were in growing up, plus ruined every holiday too. I can’t take it anymore! I try to cut her off for my sanity and so she’ll realize she needs to go to a home but after a few days she calls and I feel guilty because she doesn’t have anyone else even though it’s her fault. It’s a vicious cycle that’s causing me to lose my sanity. Yet when we talk she ALWAYS ends up getting mad and yelling and hanging up on me without fail. I’ll be 60 in October and resent the way she’s acted all these years. I’m disabled and my husband is retired and we deserve some time.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

I always had compassion for my abusive, narc parents - even as a child. Of course I did. Eventually, I had to turn that compassion on myself - which they didn't seem to have for me in any great measure. To them I was a burden, an emotional dumping ground, and, at times, a trophy 🏆 There was no joy or real love or shared experience 💟 Thank you - this was exceptional. When my anger emerged it was RAGE. I am sixty and when I began to heal I was practically screaming - "There's nothing wrong with me!" and "I deserve better!!"

[@sheilabeard6301]

I put my baby picture on my dresser,I tell my self,I love you and you are worthy. After my mom,77 told to go F myself and I wasn't worth the pain I gave giving birth to my worthless body 😢

[@kimberlymccracken747]

@@sheilabeard6301 🙏🩷🙏🩷🙏

[@christianbell4482]

I feel the same! Thanks for your comment.

[@christianbell4482]

@@sheilabeard6301 Can I copy this? I am dealing with an incredibly narcissistic mother.

[@serily4524]

you should't care for trash

[@J-equineheart]

My mom didn't give a hoot who me and my siblings were as individuals - we were NOT nurtured, encouraged, paid attention to for unique qualities, or raised to have dreams and aspirations. Once I left home I was confronted with terrifying questions of "who/what am I?!" I was completely lost. I'm in my 40's now and just beginning to unravel the insane level of trauma we grew up in - alcoholic parents that weren't there for us and still aren't. My mom is the narcissist I believe, and my dad is the enabler whose entire life is dedicated to HER, always her above anything and anyone else!

[@Tamarocker88]

I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself and working on things. I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home, narc mother, both parents alcoholics. At ~8 my father cheated on my mother and they were formally divorced within a few years. My mother is still a narc through and through, remarried an alcoholic, and now I'm 35 with another 20 years of further trauma and abuse piled on. I am actively packing my things and have approval for an apartment, so I'm on my way to focusing on myself and freeing myself from the black hole that has sucked the life out of me all of these years. Their problems are not my issue, I should have never felt responsible for bearing any of this burden.

[@Bwesttie36]

I am so proud of you both. Tough journey in the healing isn't it if you do it alone 🫶🏻. I decided this week to consciously give myself the love and attention that I was deprived since childhood, rather than looking outside of me and I feel better and empowered already. The best is yet to come, we can do it! 🫶🏻🫶🏻🩵

[@maheeniethequeenie2086]

Same with my mother. She is a very selfish narcissist.

[@Izzzy587]

This seems shockingly similar to the situation with my own parents. My mom is a self-absorbed narcissist and my dad is her enabler and too afraid of conflict or uprooting the family "security" (apathy) to ever try and defend us from her emotional abuse. He would actively use me as an emotional shield to take the blows from her when she was throwing a tantrum. I feel like I've absorbed the worst parts of them and I have no idea who I am now.

[@lisaspencer5881]

You just wrote my story. Except no alcohol

[@PurplePinkRed]

Cut my family off at 19. Always felt "different" to them. Turns out, my mother is a narcissist and triangulated the family, plus my interests are polar opposite to hers which she never allowed to flourish. Found out she actually got help for her mental health and meds through my brother. Strong boundaries and very slowly allowing her to re-enter my life was the only way. If boundaries are violated or hurtful comments made, I'd grey rock and stay silent. I would reward desirable behaviour with smiles, compliments etc. She knows most of the time how to behave around me now. I still wouldn't call our relationship "close" or even remotely resembling a mother/daughter relationship. I see my family a couple of times a year even though we all live within 3 hours of each other. I'm happy with that arrangement.

[@paisleyjane14]

I foolishly reestablished relationship in my 20’s after cutting the whole lot off in my teens. Big mistake. Decades later I see far more damage than good

[@ChosenNBlessed1111]

@@paisleyjane14yes and this is why I’ll never go back to the mess !

[@KasieMusic]

That's a great attitude! Also really awesome that your mom got councelling, the will to change is detrimental

[@bernabei1997]

Great post. Insightful for me. May I ask, what does “grey rock” mean?

[@1legend517]

You're lucky you got to do that at 19. You've got a lot of life to live and catch up at least.

[@ericashugart8859]

My mother was a narcissist. I was sort of the golden child only because my gifts allowed my mother to get her supply and public recognition. But as I entered adulthood, I separated quickly, left family structure, became the scapegoat and responsible person and got therapeutic healing for my lifelong anxiety insomnia issues that led to healing from my narcissistic mother. Although I wouldn’t say my sister is a narcissist, but she’s like the flying monkey who now revels in being our mothers’ number one for the first time. I’m still using old coping strategies with my mother at times and still struggle with anger towards her. But lately I’m feeling just as angry at my sister too. It’s been a long journey. I hope this continues to get better.

[@Lena-zo2tl]

Oh my, I am dealing with this exact situation with my sister, and have been feeling a lot of anger to her. She seems to be reveling her role as my mother’s flying monkey.

[@jenniferg6818]

@ericashughart8859 @Lena-zo2tl Lisa Romano says that's the one two punch mother/sister wounds.

[@User98681]

I too have a narc mother and have struggled greatly with insomnia and anxiety for a very long time. Did your condition get better after you went no contact? I’m currently grey rocking but still living at home with her and the cult

[@MillennialMountainMama]

Hope is the worst thing for victims of narcissistic abuse. Get away as fast as you can.

[@Klikka1]

@@User98681yes, it gets better

[@mjfanta1915]

Reestablishing is so tricky. I was no-contact for years with my mom and when I reestablished a simple line of contact, I felt pretty good about my boundaries. For the first year or two, I did not feel enmeshed and felt I had self-determination over my role in the relationship. But those covert narcissists can be so PATIENT. Three years in and I can feel the creepy little fingers of enmeshment reaching into me again. My strict one hour phone call starts to drag out to an hour and a half because she, like clockwork, starts crying at 58 minutes. Her birthday begins to cause anxiety again because, somehow, I'm now required to send her a present (that she will hate) even though I can't remember how the present paradigm was reintroduced. So now I'm going to have to get tough again and remember my resolve from before. Hope I can do with without going no-contact again, but sometimes needs must.

[@falconbritt5461]

She is pushing to be codependent and enmeshed, so learn tactical communication. Each time you talk, say it's great to hear from her and you can give her a half hour. When she pressures you at the half hour to keep energetically entangling with her, say you're sorry but you gotta go, you just have too much to do but will "talk again soon." You may also have to do what my therapist advised - lie. Normally not a good thing to do, but with someone this disordered it's that or incur the wrath of God, which will cost you a lot of psychic energy to deal with. You always have things you have to do today. Do NOT agree to "call her after you're finished with your chores and errands." Tell her you're sorry but you'll be tired then or "have plans" (even if it's a hot bath or reading a book, you don't owe it to her to say what those plans are). You always have laundry to do, gotta wash the dog, go get groceries, clean the kitchen, mop the floor, iron, deal with recycling, weed the yard/garden, etc. etc. etc. Also, the more "gray rock boring" you can be, the less reward she will get from the conversations, so the less she will seek them out. Be boring, be flat, and do not give details about your life, and you will get fewer and fewer calls. She doesn't really care about what you say, she just wants to be fed your energy. She will go away feeling plumped up, leaving you drained for the rest of the day. This is very real energetically speaking, and only you can prevent energetic vampirism. Her neediness will expand as much as she can pressure you into, because she want to be completely dependent, to have you mother her. Think about that. They want to be the child and force you to be the mother. You have to wean them off of this idea by forcing them to grow up, but don't expect them to like it. It will take firmness, kindness, and repetition of explanations. It's not healthy for you to be her mother. It's not healthy for her, to make you be her mother. She must be forced to grow up like other adults. You aren't obligated to talk with her at all. Many people set an obligatory hour each Sunday morning and do not talk during the week, because they are "busy." You could do that. If that will make you dread Sunday mornings, you needn't go there, however. And you don't have to give in to her pressure to gradually give you more and more of your energy via phone time, which drains you. That's what this is, parasitism. Recognize that. It drains your life force. It will help to put on a red coat before talking with her and keep your energy inside that coat so she cannot take it. You are not obligated to be drained! You are not a vending machine. If anything, parents should give energy to their children instead, by being supportive and caring, not needy and draining. These kinds of mothers are basically refusing adulthood. They have refused to make normal adult efforts to create other friendships with adults, probably because they'd have to behave better. And because it would take effort. They have refused to join hobby groups, clubs, committees, book clubs, birdwatching, animal rescue, neighborhood cleanup, political committees, church groups, because that would take effort and force them to behave maturely. Just as they should have contacted a therapist and/or psychiatrist about their emotional distress. You will have to push them out of the nest, as you were never supposed to be the parent in the first place and you can forcibly (but kindly) step out of that role. Because it's a serious personality disorder that makes them not hear and not remember, you can make a long list of all these kinds of activities she can pursue to be around people more and enjoy life more. Keep the list by the phone and repeat the list in conversation after conversation until she is forced to take this matter seriously, to take a hint. Don't play along with being her parent or her 24/7 therapist on call. You aren't trained, say that over and over. As part of boundary setting, particularly if they have comorbid borderline personality disorder (40% overlap in those two diagnoses, btw), you may have to start kindly but firmly stop that pattern by repeatedly saying you're concerned about her (you are) because she seems so sad/anxious/depressed/angry/whatever (she is) and you are not a therapist (definitely not and shouldn't be attempting to play that role, besides which no therapist keeps themselves on call 24/7). You can say over and over that you aren't trained as a therapist so you can't give her the help she deserves, and that you want her to get help, she needs it and deserves it. Say also that you know she loves you and that worrying about her is stressing you so you yourself need her to get help. Say that her upset is troubling because you're not the person who can make any difference; she needs and deserves someone professionally trained. If she gets angry because you suggest therapy, give her the alternative of seeing a doctor for some medication possibilities. Reiterate that you're really concerned about her suffering, and that you're not the person who can help with this. You will have to say it in several conversations, at a minimum, as people with NPD have serious memory issues. (Maybe because they barely listen in the first place, but maybe because their brainwave patterns bounce around so much, making recall difficult. Plus their consciousness really does lack object permanence, so who knows - for whatever reason, they can't remember what was said, generally speaking, although they may claim they have minds like steel traps.) Just keep staying warm, calm, and caring in tone while repeating these things until they are forced to take the message.

[@KasieMusic]

I am in the same situation with my father and @falconbritt your comment is like written exactly for me! Thank you, lots of wisdom there - I actually took snapshots to reread it.

[@mjfanta1915]

@@falconbritt5461 It would be impossible to be any more gray rock with her during the conversations. I don't actually say anything. XD There's no warning her that the call will be over in a certain amount of time or telling her I have things to do and need to go. She isn't listening and doesn't leave gaps. I basically just have to hang up.

[@danielaselberg1810]

My story may - hopefully - be another puzzle piece. Since I did have a father who was kind and caring and loving, there was an advantage, others might not have had. But I had problems with my mother all my childhood to the age of 40. Without knowing about narcissism, I realized there was definitely something odd about my mother (and not my problem). At the age of 40 I lost a child late in pregnancy and was carried to the hospital, because I was in danger as well. My mother happened to be in our house at that time to visit us. Because of circumstances (nobody is to blame for) I had to return from the hospital all by myself. So it came as a surprise when I stepped into the living room, where my mother sat on the couch. In her surprise she said: Oh, this was a terrible situation for me, I hardly couldn't bare it, because I almost lost my child. - Probably expecting comfort from me. And I was stunned. Did she really not see, that I did actually lose a child? Did she only see her feelings? And that moment I realized she couldn't see other people's needs, emotions or desires. All my life I had tried to make her see me, my needs, my hurts, my efforts or even successes. And like someone born color blind, where it is hopeless to yell and scream and hope, they might discern red from green: They won't be able. That moment I let go of expecting any kind of empathy from my mom. And it was over. My grief was over. My expectations were gone. I told myself: Why chasing this old lady around, blaming her for all her wrong doings, when she obviously didn't have the ability to see others. And on top of that I thought: I had grown up now, nevertheless and even though, had my own kids, had managed my life. I didn't need her approval, her empathy, her support, really. This moment of "insight" saved our "relationship". I was able to relax, see what she had done well and alright raising us kids and shortly before she died, many years later, she finally and to my surprise (that moment I didn't know if I should laugh or cry) gave that recognition to me, I had hoped for as a child. But that is a different story.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

What a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel it can give others hope and insight.

[@danielaselberg1810]

@@BarbaraHeffernan thank you for your appreciation. Your wisdom and kind attitude is very helpful by gaining insight into this emotion jungle of narcissism.

[@BobbiGail]

My Covert narc mom has this way of making someone else's tragedy about her. It sounds similar to what you went through. (I am incredibly sorry you had to deal with this deep loss AND then pile on your mother's issues!). At my lowest point my mom called her friends and my siblings to share MY private moments bc she was so worried about herself. At the time I was shocked, betrayed, and humiliated. Now I know why she did that. She can't help it. It's better to yellow rock the best I can. Thank you for sharing your story so others like me don't feel alone.

[@danielaselberg1810]

@@BobbiGail Time heals wounds and I really think one is much better off with clarity and accepting people as they are, than hoping for miracles. It's not about a negative thinking and giving up on people, it is more about not wasting energy, which emotions are. It's like running into the same sharp knife Everytime you keep hoping and also expecting or even demanding a certain reaction. You get stabbed over and over again. I send this with a warm and compassionate "hug".

[@alenakristianova7663]

Oh, that is really a strong story. How could they do this&?!!! To their own child.. I would breath for my children... Thank you for sharing

[@janeylynn5934]

I wish that some of these videos would acknowledge the fact that there are people without financial resources. If you don't have financial resources, problems can be impossible to solve - No money for therapy, no money to get out of parents' house, etc.

[@singstreetcar5881]

Yes, therapists needs to start taking into account that there are some people who are stuck in these families and can't leave cause they have no money or resources to escape. I myself, I'm stuck with these people, I'm gay and I also live in a dangerous homophobic country. I cant escape

[@carlottak4496]

Yes. It is very, very hard. Personally, my family was split yet each parent (+ their toxic partners) was deeply problematic. I endured 20+ years of their dynamics until I decided to not care about anything other than my freedom. I played their game working on any little detail that could give me the tiniest advantage, completed high school late, had the lousiest underpaid jobs. As soon as I could I changed city. I am female and lesbian, didn’t feel safe in a small town. Things got better. Not as good as for someone grown in a safe and healthy family, and I am very tired, but damn I am free from toxicity. It sucks, but we are not powerless as they try to suggest at every step. And we don’t owe them s*it. Our life is our own and it can be better. Anything is better than that. Have patience but strategize, study, save money even if you have to hide it and seems little, than take flight.

[@mikalyonsoneal9890]

There are so many resources that provide free counseling.

[@janeylynn5934]

@@mikalyonsoneal9890 I've found that most of the free counseling that is available does not have people who specialize in narcissistic abuse. I've tried some free counselors in the past who have not understood my situation, and who have ended up gaslighting me.

[@thaddeuszukowski4633]

Good goddess Yes, Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

[@monicanasser9503]

I never understood why my mom treated me the way she did. She died over 20 years ago but I still feel the pain of her actions. It wasn’t just her but her 2 sisters treated me the same as she did.

[@1980shameka]

❤{Hugs}❤

[@diamond_noir89]

I hope you are doing good ❤

[@dianamichelle215]

I’m sending you a virtual hug ❤️

[@leighbirch1420]

Because she demonized you to her sisters I'm sure. My mom did to her friends. Always trashed me.

[@cloudwalker8266]

My father stole my inheritance and gave it to a grifter. I cut him off and have no regrets because I was able to stop the abuse.

[@jonebe1843]

Your inheritance ALWAYS belonged to your father until he died. He did with his estate, while alive, what he wanted to do with what was his. It was never yours unless he willed it. Who's the real grifter?

[@tmking7483]

Dirty money

[@Jerseyboondocks]

​@@jonebe1843No, My mom stole my inheritance and no it was not hers. My father intended to leave his grandkids and me a house and she took it and sold it. He was dying in very sick and she did not take him to get a will probated even though he asked her. She lied to me and told me she did get a well and I found out later it was a fake will that she printed out on the computer and filled out everything. She never took him to the lawyer. The original commenter didn't state whose inheritance was from, it could have been from someone else that he stole. My mom is definitely a narcissist and I believe she only married him for my dad's money.

[@voice_of_a_little_lady]

​@@jonebe1843what if it was an inheritance given by the poster's grandparent/s and not the father?

[@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023]

​@@jonebe1843 , maybe it was their inheritance after their mother? My mother tried to trick my both siblings and me out of most of our inheritance after our late father and almost succeeded. She even roped in the parents of one of her patients, who worshiped her for saving their kid, to "represent" us minors, and through their unquestioning trust of her she got away with misusing a lot of the money our dad left. Parents can be predators in more ways than one. Not all parents, but definitely some.

[@Marina-yb9it]

It's hard to accept the fact that you go through this. You'd rather hear that you have done something wrong yourself than being through this.And the worst is, it doesn't stop. (In my case), even if you establish contact after a long time, they just continue looking for new ways on how to hurt you, just to remind you that you are not "like the others". Eventually, you have to put yourself down that you don't have a "family"- and that hurts to realise that you had only a family look like.

[@CharRichardson]

It isn't fair, and I don't think either one of us deserves to be without a tribe. So.... Do you wanna be my sister? We can start a whole new bloodline ❤ for people with hearts as big as ours

[@1980shameka]

The anger, bitterness, and hate are the hardest for me to let go. I need to let go of this and forgive and although I KNOW that I simply don’t want to.

[@nicole8511]

Lindsay C Gibson has some amazing books that relate to healing from emotionally immature parents. She really looks at it from many angles. Her second book on recovery was really valuable to me and I just want to share that in case you might be interested in her books

[@patriciacamarda6387]

I went through a period where, in order to forgive my mother for all the hurt she inflicted on me, I convinced myself that she wasn't malicious. It turns out she really is malicious and I was so much better off during the prior time of no contact. I've done a complete turnaround on the issue of forgiveness. You don't have to forgive! Forgiveness has a whole connotation of someone being good by forgiving, or bad by not forgiving. I have to accept the reality of who my mother is, but I don't have to forgive her, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Acceptance, not forgiveness has helped me enormously.

[@nicole8511]

@@patriciacamarda6387 i think a major aspect of forgiveness is that you see the other person is totally incapable of repaying the debt, so acceptance of that event and moving on is the what is going on. I realized my not forgiving was like me keeping vigil by a train wreck. Understanding she could not pay me back has been helpful, and it is better to move on. Sending a hello to you, just some thoughts here on a parallel

[@csomosss]

Watch some videos from Richard Grannon. He has a good explanation about forgive versus self-absolution. Also anger will only make you have cancer.

[@AGM-ts5bb]

Forgive to release yourself from the power of bitterness and their control. Move forward into a healthier life - whether they change or not. You are worth protecting.

[@afihaileywibowo1095]

Thank you, Barbara🙏. This is so painful to watch. I really think walking away from mine is the better option in my case. Wish me luck, please

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I do wish you health and healing!

[@davidhollenshead4892]

​@@BarbaraHeffernan Dear Barbra, I also ended contact with a Narcissistic Parent. To give you an idea why and what he is like: My parents split when I was five. When I was eighteen I shared an apartment with my older sister, the golden child because no landlord offered me a lease. My sister's boyfriend figured out that he was cheating on him. [Years later I learned that he spent the night in his car outside of her lover's home and saw her leave in the morning.] This all happened when I was out of town seeing my girlfriend. As her upper class British boyfriend beat the shit out of her when he confronted her. When my girlfriend & I came to my apartment I saw that some of my things were missing and the rest were trashed, including a rotting uncooked chicken in my bed. After removing said rotting food & ruined bedding, my girlfriend and I started making out, and then my sister came home she kicked the door of my bedroom open and was angry & black and blue. When I walked to the doorway, she dug her claws in my chest and then sexually injured me in front of my girlfriend. So I pushed her into the bathroom, and held the door shut so that my girlfriend & I could leave. Walking out of the apartment slowly due to my sisters assault, I heard my sister call the police & say "Help Me, Help Me, My Brother Just Beat Me Up".

[@afihaileywibowo1095]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you so much! Looking forward to healing, the most important part 🙏😊

[@sushobhitadas3161]

❤️ definitely you'll do great ; still, you don't need to burn the bridge. After healing complete ly ; you can take further decisions. With detachment achieved connection from & of other level might be possible & rewarding ☘️

[@afihaileywibowo1095]

@@sushobhitadas3161 Yes, thank you for your kind message 🙏😊

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Healed or not, My mother doesn't get to treat me like that anymore! Edit: That's why I went no contact with my mother. I know she had a difficult childhood, but I'm not making any more excuses for her. I was her scapegoat. I don't grieve over the childhood that I didn't have. I grieve over all of the missed opportunities as an adult, and that I always semed to end up with friends and partners that were just like my covert narcissist mother. That's seriously f'ed up. I deserved better. "Gray Rock" is a temporary solution at best.

[@ashanein]

I hear you. Yeah gray rock made things worse for me. She became more pursuing.

[@erinkeyehkey6852]

That anger part is the hardest part for me. One of the last things my mother said to me before I went no contact was, "Why are you so angry?" I wasn't. I wasn't at all because of her. She weaponized the emotion of anger against us when we were very young. We were conditioned to avoid anger, hurt and the accept there were no boundaries, she knew what we were feeling better than us and she let us know. After decades of this 'normal', it's tough but I don't think anger is necessary for me to feel as I've moved forward into fixing myself and it's been so wonderful.

[@LashayneHampton]

Happening to me now. She just said after not talking to me for months “you should have reached out stop being so mad at me” it’s so insidious ❤

[@ashukandala4228]

Im waiting for the moment when i will be finally away from my parents

[@EmpathicRebel-mn8ee]

Save, money, career, get your own place.dont tell them a thing

[@iiHavingFun]

My sister, aged 23 is now experiencing psychosis due to these negative core beliefs.

[@gigicolada]

This video is really important. I grew up in an extremely enmeshed household. I was the chosen daughter. My siblings don’t talk to our mom anymore and I’m the only one left who is there for her. She has no other family and only a couple of friends. I’m in the angry phase, going through therapy, and it is so difficult. I won’t walk away from my mom because I believe I can heal and deal and while it isn’t fair to me, I also don’t consider my mother evil, though some days I do feel she is the devil 😅 This video is helpful to me as I know I am making progress but it is hard to be in therapy, reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts all while my mom stays the same. I told her I may need to step away from her for a while if she keeps expecting me to take care of her while I take care of my 9 month old son, my own household/marriage, and my PPD. It sucks to always have to be firm with her. Boundaries are hard for me. Thank you, I love your channel.

[@ddigiorgio8438]

Oh, this is me for sure, the family caretaker. I'm trying to set boundaries, to defer tasks to others. But what to do in face of parent's real medical needs, when no one else is around/willing to help?

[@susangalligan1821]

This is how I treat it, as the live-in care giver for my mom. And the golden son does nothing. I have no more feelings for her. I just see it as my JOB. Not a daughter taking care of her mom.@@ddigiorgio8438

[@Tamarocker88]

@@ddigiorgio8438 You either continue to sacrifice yourself for their needs, or you cut them off and focus on yourself. There is no middleground, really, because any form of continuing to care for them is undoubtedly a sacrifice for you. As for me, I'm 35 and have faced 30 years of abuse that I can remember. And as of this year, I'm abandoning my parents completely. My siblings (2 step-brothers, 1 sister) are all 10 years older and have lived their own lives and been standing on their own two feet while offering NO assistance. All of them have gone no-contact. Meanwhile I'm the baby of the family who has spent the last decade trying to get his own $h1t together after being in a financial pit (climbed out the other side, learned my lesson, changed my habits), yet I've had to bear the burden of assisting my parents in every way imaginable over the last 20 years. Physical labor, financially, emotionally etc... My narcissistic parents are in their late 60s, health RAPIDLY diminishing, and my mother feigns incompetence and asks for help with the most menial tasks. Worse yet, they have completely squandered their money and years, so they are facing a mountain of debt, homelessness, etc... I'm done. Yes, they are about to suffer greatly. It is neither my problem nor my concern. They made their bed, time to lay in it. I need to take care of myself before I can help anyone else. I can't save them from themselves. I have suffered greatly because of this terrible family and I refuse to suffer any longer.

[@Tamarocker88]

I have a narc mother and learned from an early age that I could neither rely on her to help me for most things (typically receiving snotty responses like "get off your ass and do it yourself" or "I'm not doing that. Tell your teacher to take a fat suck of my ass") nor could I have any real conversations with her because she has the emotional maturity of a toddler and perceives any form of differing opinion as a personal attack or "talking back". Even when she asks for advice, she will immediately argue against whatever you say because SHE KNOWS BETTER, which defeats the whole purpose of asking the question to begin with. Worse yet, this was on top of having an emotionally and physically abusive father. My mother used that as a pathetic excuse for why she had to be so harsh and tyrannical. She "HAD" to yell at me to be quiet, I "HAD" to be perfectly silent in public like a "well-behaved child SHOULD be" because if I wasn't, then HE would get mad and harm her or us... Rather than allowing her child to BE A CHILD and then taking responsibility and leaving the terrible man she married 10 years before I was born, she instead kept two children around that evil man until he cheated on her and they finally divorced. She continued to disrespect me through adulthood, putting down my life choices, making jabs at me regarding my lack of religious beliefs, or whenever I would mention that I'd received a raise at work, she would always flip the dialog and it would become all about HER and how she hasn't received more than a 25 cent raise in over a decade. It was always about how I was "such a miserable child" and how I was born premature and put so much stress and worry on everyone else. I was the golden child as far as getting mostly straight A's since my older sister didn't do well in school, but I was always punished unreasonably and yelled at whenever my grades slipped the slightest bit (god forbid I struggled in a subject and there was no parent figure around willing or capable to help me), or if I received negative "conduct" because I was too talkative in class. I've now suffered living with her and my step-dad for over 20 years while they continued the cycle of emotional abuse, alcoholism, and overall dysfunctional relationships. Responsibilities have largely been dumped onto myself or my stepfather and as of right now, he has dementia and cannot function (as a result of his lack of self-care with diabetes paired with alcoholism). To add insult to injury, they've made the worst possible financial decisions over the last 20 years that leave them facing foreclosure even after filing for bankruptcy twice and continuing to shoot themselves in the foot. Unfortunately, I'm only discovering the true impact of this lifelong scenario at 35 years old, and the tremendous amount of damage it has caused. I'm anxious and have hypertension, on multiple medications to control it. Fortunately, I've realized this. But this stops this year. I am moving out and I am prioritizing my own care and healing. I am already approved for an apartment. Just as when I was a child at 8 years old stuck taking care of myself, cooking, cleaning, and being responsible for everything I need while my mother worked 3 jobs because my father was out of the picture, I will again take care of myself. I've done a better job taking care of myself than my mother even did, so this should be the easy part...

[@mariamalhotra8228]

I'm so sorry to read this. The worst is over for you, at least.

[@RazanSaid-n3s]

Your story is very similar to mine. I now struggle with severe anxiety and insomnia. I still don’t have the privilege to move out though.

[@DHW256]

Yes, while growing up it was obvious there were problems when our mother was attempting suicide as she screamed her resentments and blamed us for her "status" (stuck at home with children while her husband (who she also resented) was on travel). The second out of four children, I confronted her occasionally, but it only made the denial, the personal attacks, the gaslighting much worse. We sought her approval, and overlooked her frequent rage, and submitted to her abuses, and forgave her, and kept her "secrets" well into adulthood. Yet, she didn't change. She was a relentless abuser. As I excelled in school and started a career, and got married, and had children, and remembered how our mother responded to her own children in daily situations, I was bewildered. That's when the anger started. The grief came after the murder of our father, followed by Mom's continued abuses. Walking away didn't happen overnight, but sinuously after 25 years. She's been gone for years now, yet her legacy remains, her golden children still keep her secrets even as they abuse their siblings and children, apparently clinging to or in denial of Mom's legacy.

[@marrrweee]

Wow. I really respect your ability to verbalize your experience in such few words. In my opinion, it’s indicative of a deep level of healing, though it may not feel that way to you. I commend you for your strength and your righteous anger being directed in the appropriate direction with regard to coming to terms with your personal experience via raising and loving your children, and I also want to let you know that I can relate. Respect and love and I wish you all the best and more than that, I wish for you that you can have true, deep, happy peace in the beautiful family that you have built. ❤

[@trixiepickle8779]

I had the fake suicide attempt. Dad was working late, I'd gone to bed. I was 14 and she came in and announced 'I'm dying I've taken tablets'. A 14 yr old having to deal with a suicidal mother. Anyway, I got salt water which she refused. Turned out by tablets she meant she'd taken 4 low dosage paracetamol!!! At 14 I knew I had to get away from her, one of those moments of clarity. I too confronted her years later which what she'd done, she denied it - the perfect mother.

[@RexRaven22]

Well written

[@petrakolenakova2]

Both of my parents are narcissists- I do not contact them no more . They are toxic and they never have anything nice to say to me or about me. I have been angry of course for their treatment of me but....I am slowly starting to feel FREE and independent of their believes about me ! Its nice leaving thos erotten core believes behind amd move on with who I really am...

[@luv_leena]

Amen it sure does feel freeing

[@marylouleeman]

Yes!! Six decades of work, help from God who loves us, and much introspection and study has allowed me to get that my bro was the dark narc, reacting out of his pain, and my mom was the covert one who denied my person in any form. They teamed up against me in arguing sessions. I was trying to be. To be heard, and they only attacked. Only what she chose was allowed for me -- until I began to break away. Now I am free! Grateful, and still learning. You are just what I can use right now, like a nice mom/big sister with the very voice that can comfort me. Yeah, all this stuff is very tough. But the reward is great and now we can help others for real. And I have compassion for her and him too these days.

[@kierlak]

How I've been going through it is: - good boundaries with a parent - recognizing co-dependency - feeling the anger - feeling sadness - self-compassion (I use IFS and often ask myself: "How do I feel towards this extremely angry part of myself ?" - tears follow that, sadness, very intense process. Basically validating anger is a must. - letting go, grieving/forgiveness (the hardest, most painful) - the end result is acceptance and internal peace (like getting out of a prison) And all the above steps are never linear (you often have to repeat them, it's not like validate anger once or do some forgiveness once and it's done deal, you carry on until you're healed). It's like a rollercoaster. You just have to ride it 😔

[@serily4524]

bad

[@michaelwebster8666]

Thank you Barbara. Letting go of the anger and accepting what happened helped me a lot, but I know how hard it is to let it go.

[@prettyrene1263]

I really like this, because I want to move from the anger

[@maegancondit7236]

I struggle with the anger a lot. It can be so consuming

[@susannahfox7188]

I had the experience of being the golden child growing up, and then when I tried to individuate, and especially being in therapy as well, I eventually ended up as the scapegoat. Seems I traded places with my youngest brother. My mother always expected and had groomed me to be her caregiver and sounding board, but I could not accept this role and I sought therapy to help me get out of the system. Not very possible to be a part of that family system at all, since she had programmed me to respond to every little nuance of her expression and words, feelings, etc. and when I wouldn't do that any longer, she would throw a fit, and my father would back her up.

[@earlgreyt123]

This sounds like my husband ❤️ I am trying to support him through it - do you have any suggestions? Thank you ❤

[@susannahfox7188]

@@earlgreyt123 Hi - I would suggest that he get a really good therapist, who really understands and has worked with many people regarding narcissistic abuse. I really did not have the luxury of that when I was doing my therapy in the 90's. Nobody understood this topic, and nobody even used the word "narcissist." I didn't even know it was a "thing" until 2018. And therapists, such as on this channel, are a good resource as well. EMDR (eye movement and desensitization therapy) has been helpful for many people too. And for me, it has been very helpful to renew my relationship with Jesus Christ, since I now know that he was basically the only one that had (and still has) my back during my childhood, especially. And though it may not be politically correct, narcissists fit the definition of evil. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. My mother has told me flat out that she is and has done much evil. When a narcissist tells you something like this, you need to pay attention and believe them rather than trying to tell them that's not true. This is about a spiritual battle of good and evil. They have made the choice to follow the dark side. Knowing this information, I have been more at peace, and do not desire to venture into that territory as I have in the past. Still working on the anger, to get to the sadness. May the peace of God surround you. Blessings on your journey.

[@1980shameka]

My sister and I are 15 years apart. I was, and still would be, the scapegoat if I associated with either of them. It’s been 10 glorious but not long enough years being away from them. I still, from time to time, will speak to my sister through social medial about things of little to no importance but that’s where it starts and stops. My sister is, in a way, the golden child since my birth mother ‘loved her father’ (I’ll stop there with that situation). My sister seems to be a miniature version of my birth mother and will protect her from the truth at any cost. I will not entertain any of that buffoonery.

[@kellywaldeck5323]

I am just opening up this can of worms...your story is my story except I'm 52 years old and just seeing it....big ball of string to unravel. And yes I have no relationship with my folks or my brother who she triangulated

[@jayaz9113]

Uau you described my exact situation. Stay strong and protect yours sanity and boundaries. God bless

[@tomernst8595]

For me the critical part of beginning the healing was identifying my mother as having major narcissistic traits (long obfuscated by her alcoholism). Understanding the coping mechanisms I’d engineered has allowed me to begin debugging those outmoded behaviors. But I see zero upside in maintaining a relationship with this using, selfish, manipulating, emotionally crippled person. I was playing the role of golden child for decades, and all the energy was flowing one way, and all the anxiety was being manufactured in me and at me. Life is too damn short. No-contact is not an “easy” solution, but it’s pretty akin to having a malignant tumor successfully removed.

[@vintage6346]

Yes. Leaving is the way of sanity. How often we hear, regarding abused wives, "Why didn't you leave?" Yet, when someone is abused by a PARENT, few give support to the adult child who leaves.

[@lynnbass708]

I cut off mentally not physically. I didn’t know my mother was a covert narcissist until a couple of weeks ago, but I knew she hated me but not my brother. I developed a circle of good friends, a lovely husband and a family I chose, it was made easier because I was adopted so not being her blood was a bonus for me. Since realising what she was makes me feel stronger and allowing myself to be angry was healthy. Now I know I am more at peace than ever before. Thank you for your excellent explanation’s you have helped me put my life in perspective.

[@milanamilovac8342]

Thank you so much for this video! I have an abusive narcissist mother who was abusing me mostly physically but mentally too. I am 33 now, I went through anger faze, grief is still present, not as much, but present. This heeling is such a slow process, thank you for the video, I won’t give up!

[@grantgall0042]

I think you are correct about the process. The cut off, which i did 10 years ago, is defined with the toxic relationship. After careful analysis of my situation, there was no benefit to staying. Best thing ive ever done for myself. Couldn't heal until i got away 😎👍

[@jayaz9113]

You don’t speak to them anymore?

[@irismckay6472]

Great video. Even though I started therapy in my thirties (2 decades ago) to deal with my mother's narcissism, there is so much now that we're finding out. I had two therapists tell me I was justified in cutting off ties with my mother but chose not to do so because of the strong relationship with my dad and the upset it would do to my dad and sister. Fortunately, moving 1,500 miles away and setting boundaries, learning to forgive and understanding why she was so broken made it easier. It was hard being around someone who was constantly cutting others down. I did feel a tremendous sense of relief when my mother passed in 2018. It was such a huge relief that the monster representing her dark side was gone forever. Since then, I have completely cut off several narcissistic, bigoted, and racist extended family members which has worked out much better than I thought! Life is too short to be around toxic people.

[@vintage6346]

Yes. "Life is too short to be around toxic people". Too many people who themselves have nothing to loose think we should spend our time fixing, helping, understanding, and soothing the toxic person in our lives.

[@ElizabethCox-s4g]

I come from a narcissistic family. They don't want me to have the life I want. They tell me to just be happy on my own with nothing. I honestly believe my mom has been happy since I am disabled. Whenever I have not been able to have my dreams come true. I am so unhappy. The worst part I worry I am turning into my mom. I need to break free totally. The worst part was that nobody believed me that my mom was a narcissist. Except my therapist.

[@User98681]

Buy XRP crypto it will set u free financially. It will become the new financial system

[@DoreenWeed]

I can relate to your mother being happy that you're disabled. They use it against you and they gloat when something goes wrong for you. It's always what did you do to make that happen. Their favorite line is: everything in your life that went wrong is our fault. I've apologized enough and I'm not going to do it again. There was never an apology. Admitting that they did something wrong is not going to happen. Sorry, is not in their vocabulary. Had to go no contact for the 3rd and last time. I ignored the fake love bomb. It's hard but not having my emotions played with to feed their ego is freedom.

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

Cut them off? The question mark was the crux of my problem. I knew in my heart it was what I needed to do but was so brainwashed into believing my needs didn’t count. Being involved in Christian fundamentalism compounded the problem. I found no moral support or validation for what I needed to do. The healing process enables us to find validation from within.

[@monkeynt]

This is pitch perfect. And I really like what you say about anger. Thank you very much for speaking about this so wisely and compassionately.

[@monkeynt]

And what you say about responsibility (letting it go). That one is deep for me.

[@amandakropen3273]

The bottom line is if you cut them off, you will be disowned. Speaking from experience.

[@Nani-rk7wt]

Sounds like a dream come true, to be honest.

[@dorissangeorzan6498]

Still better than feeling like your life has been destroyed by your family.

[@Ham-Man-Hammy]

Oh well

[@ChristopherMHeaps]

Yes, and this is how you know that their love was always conditional.

[@Tamarocker88]

At this point, that sounds like heaven. I've spent the last 30 years suffering in my family. If getting disowned means peace and quiet and not being responsible for managing my mother's emotions for her because she has the maturity of a toddler, then I'm all for it.... Maybe that's why I'm moving out and going no-contact.... lol

[@heyitsme5469]

This was a great video and thank you for delivering this information in a way that makes sense. I am currently in the anger/grief stages (those feelings fluctuate from day to day) and I have very limited contact with my family. I am working with a therapist and I would like one day to be emotionally boundaried enough to have at least a surface level relationship with them. Ideally. But both my mother and sister are narcissists and everyone else is very enmeshed. There are family members outside of the narcissists that I would like to have relationships with, but the enmeshment runs so deep that they will never stand up to the narcissists (who are the gatekeepers of all the relationships). I have been labelled the scapegoat and trouble maker for decades now and the attacks feel relentless. In my situation I don't know if I can even maintain any contact at all.

[@davidhollenshead4892]

"In my situation I don't know if I can even maintain any contact at all." Same here. I also ended contact with a Narcissistic Parent. To give you an idea why and what he is like: My parents split when I was five. When I was eighteen I shared an apartment with my older sister, the golden child because no landlord offered me a lease. My sister's boyfriend figured out that he was cheating on him. [Years later I learned that he spent the night in his car outside of her lover's home and saw her leave in the morning.] This all happened when I was out of town seeing my girlfriend. As her upper class British boyfriend beat the shit out of her when he confronted her. When my girlfriend & I came to my apartment I saw that some of my things were missing and the rest were trashed, including a rotting uncooked chicken in my bed. After removing said rotting food & ruined bedding, my girlfriend and I started making out, and then my sister came home she kicked the door of my bedroom open and was angry & black and blue. When I walked to the doorway, she dug her claws in my chest and then sexually injured me in front of my girlfriend. So I pushed her into the bathroom, and held the door shut so that my girlfriend & I could leave. Walking out of the apartment slowly due to my sisters assault, I heard my sister call the police & say "Help Me, Help Me, My Brother Just Beat Me Up". It took the two responding police officers less than twenty minutes to realize that I could not have just beat my sister black & blue because it takes hours for one's skin to turn color and there were no injuries to my hands. They then repeatedly asked me "why is your sister trying to set you up???" and if I "needed a ride to the emergency room", as someone had made sure that my car wouldn't run while I was out of town. My dad, a judge, told his entire family that I "had beat the shit out of my sister". He also apparently worked to get the felony charges of a false police report and assault dropped against my sister. He then asked me if I wanted to come with him to see my grandfather who was dying at the time. In the car, my dad repeatedly started screaming at me "You Never Hit A Woman" and driving like a nut case before I had a chance to put my seat belt on. While I was looking out of the window trying to think of what to say, he started punching me in the back of the head hard enough to break my nose on the window, until I made the bad decision of getting out of a moving car and was seriously injured while my dad drove off. Another member of my dad's family later punched me in the back while saying "You Like To Beat Up Women", knowing that I had four broken vertebrae due to almost being killed by a drunk driver. [btw My dad's response to receiving life changing injuries was saying "It's Your Fault For Being There".] Whenever I tried to discuss my dad's & sister's assault on me with my dad, his response was always to say "I'm sorry that you feel that way" before getting argumentative and violent. Of course, I was the only child who has too much Native Blood to pass for White, as my parents are mixed, so of course I had to be the scapegoat... In my situation I don't know if I can even maintain any contact at all.

[@heyitsme5469]

I Love this!@@whitecrane9433

[@mollyl7244]

Thank you for describing and validating my anger. I am trying to separate myself and heal. New concepts I need more help in.

[@mabr4876]

Heres feedback from a german viewer and daughter in law of 2 narcs🤐. I'm dealing with them and the dissappointment of my hobby for almost 17 years. Grey rocking and as little contact as possible are my best coping strategies so far, something that is not as 'easy' for my husband as for me. Your explanations of narcissistic behavior/coping with them etc. is the best i have seen so far! Greetings and good Łuck with your work and your Channel!

[@michaelmcclafferty3346]

A very helpful video which resonated a lot with my upbringing. I’m 69 years old now and moved 400 miles away from my home town and mother 43 years ago.

[@April-z2l]

My mother was a covert narcissist and my brother was a narcissist. My brother did tons of wrongs and my mother bragged about him and let him get away with all wrongs. My mother harmed me badly and she used my brother to harm me, my siblings and tons of people. When I asked my mother questions about it she yelled at me

[@singstreetcar5881]

Happened to me also. Every kid in the family were suspended from school, did drugs,got arrested, get drunk everyday etc. Nobody did anything to them, no consequences, no punishment, nothing. Instead I myself never did drugs, never drank alcohol, never got suspended from school, never got into trouble etc, but I was punished constantly, yelled at, deprived of food, ridiculed in public, gang up on by uncles and aunties etc. I cant wait to get away from my family

[@cameliavaschi600]

Finally a professional,wise and more commplex advice to this topic. Being confronted with my mother personality disorder, I stumbled on all sorts of videos which left me intrigued. Cutting of may be still a reaction and so, a determined atitudine not freedom. But this was a confirmation for me that the true healing takes you beyond anger and revenge setting you free from your parents abuse , while you can take care them (with boundaries ) but showing instead what they weren't able to show.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

❤️❤️❤️

[@lorisnyder89]

This video is filled with wisdom. This is exactly what I've been working through the past few years. If I had known in my 20s that it was not only ok, but necessary and healthy to set up boundaries with my mother, I could have eliminated 30 more years of misery. 30 more years of my stomach being in knots at every single interaction (including holidays which are supposed to be fun). I have finally been able to process decades of abuse and understand that my mother is a very hurt, broken person. And remember, hurt people hurt people. I need to keep praying for her and rely on the Lord to fill me with peace as I heal. Forgiveness is a huge factor in our healing process. It's not easy, but when we don't let go, we only hurt ourselves.

[@bethaniesylvaince5943]

Barbara, the way you've explained this is extremely insightful, especially the part about taking accountability since the individual themselves are not capable to do so. Thank you 😊!

[@vern0123-t5j]

Truly a hard decision but more peaceful now ever since

[@fluoroquinolonaspeligrosas]

Barbara, I have watched this video several times. You are so right in your approach. Cutting them off is not THE solution, it´s a lot harder than how it looks as there is a lot of healing that you have to do by your own. If you don´t do the heling you may keep choosing narcissist partners, friends, etc because they feel "familiar". To heal from this is not easy at all - at least in my experience - as you have to rewire your mind in so many aspects. Just to add that every case is different. In my case I had to cut them off after decades of trying to have a sort of "civilized" relationship through low contact, setting bundaries and many more tactics, but it was impossible. My main issue was that this kind of people are experts in running relentless "smear campaigns" and difame people without any remorse which in my case affected me professionaly and socially. I have spent enormous amounts of time and energy healing from this. Since this subject is a lot more known nowadays watching the videos of numerous KZbin channels with therapist like you is what have helped me the most. Congratulations on your videos. You are a wealth of knowledge.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for your kind feedback. I am very pleased these videos are helpful for you - and sad at the same time that they are needed! Yes, the smear campaigns can be relentless and damaging... So pleased you are making progress toward healing!

[@cathymccall9846]

Amen to your statement starting at 8:24 is so true. It definately takes getting to a place of healing to be of sound mind and emotion to have compassion beyond a lifetime of infractions.

[@meggo524]

My mother used to post photos of me on Facebook and caption how fat I was as a youth. She bullied and emotionally abused me to getting 2 jaw surgeries to “look better”. There was so much damage done. I tried to love her and get her help. But one night, I came home and she had redecorated my room, and she had thrown away my journals (after reading my private thoughts). She also threw away items meaningful to me, because they were “old and ugly”. Eventually I had to leave home in the middle of that night to survive.

[@marrrweee]

Thank you Barbara. Out of all of the videos on this topic that I have watched, and some therapy as well, this is the one session that really truly helped me gain clarity with finality. You addressed something so fraught with a very holistic and empathetic energy and structure and I am genuinely appreciative. ❤ thank you.

[@WisdomSpeaks-hq4sl]

Thank you let that shit go and move on great advice ❤thanks

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

I actually had to tell my nephew to go on & live his life & don’t look back or feel guilt about the relationship he had with his Dad ( my brother ) Because my brother is never, ever going to change for anyone, not even for his kids. It was so hard to say that but it’s the truth.

[@brianhargett21]

Wow great video. I feel like it puts words on my personal experiences and journey. Working on the Emotional Boundary stage already lol.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I'm trying to work it all out. Every phone call comes with an insult. It is bothering me less and less but I wonder if I should be subjecting myself to insults even if it's very infrequent.

[@jayaz9113]

No more phone calls for me. Finished. I dont pick up the phone anymore when she calls.

[@cultundergroundmoviesmusic845]

A true story. I was once in India. A man on the street called me over. He said that I was in danger. He said someone very close to me was extremely envious and wanted to destroy me. And then this man in a turban said my mother's name. Oh yes. I was in shock. This was 30 years ago. He also knew other things. Time revealed his words to be true. My mother joined with my sister, tried to destroy me. Such a huge betrayal. Extreme. I now have complex PTSD. I've cut the family off. I hope I can heal. The situation loops around my head constantly.

[@janchambers4017]

Can you do an episode on handling your narcissist parent when you have children who are experiencing this with you? It is hard to explain Grandma but my kids are very smart. Any guidance on how to talk about it with small kids?

[@jenniferg6818]

Talk about the right way to relate. Don't try explaining the problem.

[@AshleyHall-mo3ib]

My daughter is 12. We told her we aren't talking to grandma and grandpa for a while. We blocked them from her phone so they can't manipulate her while we're not speaking. We set boundaries and they disowned us..

[@psychologiepodcast]

@@AshleyHall-mo3ibmy daughter is 4 and i am pregrant. I really consider cutting ties just because of my Children so my narc-mom cant manipulate them and do enmeshment with them. One is 4 so she wont remember her really in Future if i cut ties now.

[@AshleyHall-mo3ib]

@@psychologiepodcast I regret letting my daughter know them.

[@psychologiepodcast]

@@AshleyHall-mo3ib How did they affect her?

[@Felix-sm2th]

Great video, I wished I had seen this earlier. Thank you so much. ❤

[@ct_cartoonist53]

When my father passed away in 2012, I actually felt a sigh of relief for myself instead of sadness for him. When he was alive, he always made me feel bad about myself. According to him, nothing I ever did in life was good enough. Fast forward to today, I'm so much happier with life. God bless those who are still struggling.

[@1980shameka]

It’s been since Feb 2013 and I wish I’d done it sooner so that I could have started the healing process sooner. I’m having a difficult time healing however, I KNOW that moving on was the absolute best option.

[@gh00stbeard]

This truly breaks my heart. My ex wife did EVERYTHING you mentioned. Once I started standing up to her guess what next? Yeah. Divorce & take all 3 of my daughters 11-16 and alienate me for 9 years. I am so afraid for having to leave my little girls with her for 8 years. Now, they're adults. I am in the field. I'm trying to work with them. But, I fear I have 24 years of artificial hate to overcome.

[@paisleyjane14]

Ms Heffernen. You nailed it perfectly. It landed like a ton of bricks, but those bricks fell off my shoulders. Thank you 🙏🏽 for confirming what I already knew.

[@TwiggyKeely]

Thank you so much for these videos. I just went no contact with my NPD/covert narcissist mom.. she's a Judge and always threatens me legally when I go no contact but i refuse to let her intimidate me any more, she's sabotaged my life so badly when she was in my life, messed with me legally, emotionally, all of it, caused me to go into debt, and I had to get her out of my life. It was more detrimental to me to keep her around. And I'm in kidney failure/ on dialysis and I'd rather go through it alone than spend another minute with her!!!!

[@scottthomas3672]

Lemme guess, democrat judge too, right?

[@mestillme3026]

I get what you are trying to say. My mother is a covert narcissist. Reflecting on my childhood and figuring out why my mother was the way she was and still is the way she is did help a lot with my healing. I am still no contact with her because that is best for me. I am angry at all the ways she failed me. But I get why she did fail me. The understanding has helped me let go of a lot of my anger. I am not going to forgive her for it, but I can move on with my own life on my own terms.

[@kourian1234]

Your life sounds like mine. A year ago when I was 56 she cut me off after I told her to speak to me with respect. She now tells anyone and everyone I screamed at her and am a monster. She even rang my ex husband this week to again disparage and demonise me. I’ve been happily married to someone else for over 21 years. I realise now how much she failed me and stole my ability to be something amazing. No encouragement, no support, no pride, no attention has utterly coloured my life. It’s hard to let go of the resentment especially as she’s still working so hard to destroy me. I’m one of 3, she only speaks to 1 sibling who lives abroad so finds it easy to stay out her way. 80 years old, permanently on O2 and terminally ill but still dedicated to being destructive. I deserved way, way better. Sounds like you did too.

[@shupuwka]

I find your descriptions are most compelling and free from empty info. Thank you

[@Premium_Photo_404]

Thank you Thank you Thank you! I reunited with my Dad after 7 years and he tells me about how my brother is doing and he is treating my father horribly. I felt bad and started to fall into my Dad, last phone calls where about him his divorce his sisters, my awful aunts, and my brother who put me through hell. I lived the last 7 years after my mothers death that I was unlovable and miserable and a disaster looking for validation ANYWHERE! Talking to him made me realize I was right about him my family and my father and when i tried to talk to him about it like really no cursing and using all my patience he did nothing but attack my character and make me feel like im selfish. I really wish i knew how to be selfish. Selfishness has a healthy amount. But i had none and for someone that hasn’t been in my life to turn things around on me like he did blared out narcissist! Nothing is ever his fault he pins his family against us and my mom god rest her soul. But i want my Dad and family to be normal so it does hurt BUT! This video came like silver lining in the darkness and made me make my own decisions and made me feel strong just cause it was right on point! The roles especially, because my feelings never matter to him or my extended family! It always felt like a curse. Me loving to have a family, my family hating to have us because my Dad made it seem that we were garbage to my aunts and uncles! Enough about me!!!! Thank you and i continue to watch!

[@marinaraikis5441]

Barbara, thank you very much for your work. It is healing and very helpful , it reveals very important things and helps me understand why I am feeling anxious and depressed sometimes. I realise that my father was very abusive to me and later I allowed others to be abusive as well and as a result had low self esteem and feeling that me and my life is not important and aimless. But now I start feeling much better! Thank you very, very much! 😊

[@yaraslavavyrvich8103]

Barbara, I want to say that your videos are amazing and so helpful. I love the way you just present objective information without anything unnecessary and how you structure it and this positive attitude that you have which inspires to believe that everything will be alright, it’s not my fault.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Wow, thank you! I'm so glad the videos are helpful for you.

[@susanprentice6075]

The feeling of freedom once my aged narc mother was elderly was the best thing I did. At last I was free!

[@S4bK]

After many steps and long therapy process, I've decided to cut off my father from my life, it was either this or losing it, as I witnessed him trying to recreate the enmeshment with my two children. I could see that he was trying to divide to conquer and I said no. Enough. Unfortunately, he is unbelievably creative in ways to try and destabilize people. In the last 20 years he resented me a lot for getting out of my golden child role, I took more and more distance until I only saw him once every 2 years. His plan that I would take him to live at my house when weak and old failed and his rage knows no boundaries. Fun fact : I work as a counselor and helping other people helped me stay lucid and not fall into the traps of the trauma bonding. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with nuance and sensitivity ❤

[@tcancella7286]

Information was super helpful. Will need to listen several times

[@katherinescully6646]

Very inlightening, Barbara❤ thank you!

[@IdaLabib]

Thank you for having the courage to share this perspective. It really resonated at the right time 💛

[@purnimaaiyer2949]

Excellent eye opening video

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I'm pleased you found it so, and thank you for letting me know!

[@purnimaaiyer2949]

Thanks Madam

[@Lena-zo2tl]

This was hands down the best video on this topic. Thanks so much!

[@JayRymer]

How do you heal if you can't get away from the narc parent due to my own medical issues?

[@debramcintyre8428]

I have found this podcast extremely validating I have unfortunately recreated my parents in my relationships

[@pamelaf.2776]

Both my parents are sadistic narcs. I’m 57 and struggling with lots of issues. But in no way do I ever let them know this because I know they get a lot of pleasure from my suffering. I keep contact to a bare minimum.

[@gaurs230]

Emotional abuse from father and even mother both are super critical can’t

[@sarahbradford566]

Thank you so much for your videos - you've given me encouragement and motivation! I wish you all the best 🙏🧡

[@heartsonghealingspace]

I am feeling good about having accepted the past. I also feel good about my growth and stronger boundaries. I have determined that I need not meet their needs. I have grieved what will never be and let go of my expectations. I can show compassion from a distance ...which is not acceptable to them. They keep reaching out for new enablers or flying monkeys to shame me. Right now, I am strong about what I am able to do and what I am not. I am still healing and individuating. I must protect my well-being and keep boundaries up in order to further heal.

[@LiliaSokolowska]

Thank You for this video and many others! I appreciate how You talk slowly and directly, this way is really helpful and helping

[@marthawhite3353]

Healing our early wounds is the answer, and in that light an abusive relationship partner is a gift for ourselves as we make the decision to learn from it and heal. Moving on and becoming our best selves is the best resolution, and we can do it because we are responsible for our own actions. I have more compassion now for these tormented souls, as I move on into my own well-being, and self love and self compassion. "The solution is to become your own loving parent," is what Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings recommend, and it is life saving for sure.

[@jenc8953]

My husband had no choice but to cut off his narc mom and that meant cutting off his siblings too because they became her flying monkeys. It is not possible to cut off just the parent and not the siblings because at some point, your siblings will be turned against you.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for a great video. It is very supportive and validating.

[@blakehourigan6149]

Yup. This was my family. Have cut ties now. It’s amazing how much you cant see until you’re on the outside. Somehow trying figure out how to heal and be my own person.

[@Lamenade]

Nicely done Barbara

[@gardenialeeman4932]

Thank you so much Barbara! So interesting! Blessings!

[@blue.5058]

I’m in the process of cutting off BOTH my parents, as they’ve been nothing but toxic throughout my childhood. This goes especially the last month- both made the stroke I had about them, even bringing up childhood stories I didn’t want to hear (to show how BAD a child I was) while I was stuck in bed dealing with my stroke, and proclaiming “I don’t care if he lives or dies” to my wife (my only advocate through my stroke mess) when the matter was explained to them. I have been the ONLY one to help them out when they had their issues, and to deal with the last month was quite telling. They made the entire issue about THEMSELVES instead of anything else.

[@maialykkenielsen5425]

Thank you Barbara, i have just discovered your videos. this is really insightful and helpful💚

[@fredhubbard7210]

Do you have to cut off a Narcissist? Absolutely not! If you do your "healing work" they will cut YOU off... so it really doesn't matter. Do you pull the bandage off fast--or slow? Or are you just going to leave the bandage there until it rots off?

[@trixiepickle8779]

It was my Mother in my case. Only child, Father worked hard and was away much of the time. She had Angina - looking back I think she made it worse by not taking the medication for it. She got more sympathy that way. I got out when I was quite young. I kept in contact more for my Dad than anything. I disliked her which probably saved me. The Angina stopped me really ripping into her. But as I got older I had ways of ensuring my boundaries were met and that although she'd got away with vile behaviour when I was just a child, she knew it wouldn't work when I was older. So if she started the not speaking I ensured she understood that I would not go with it. I also wouldn't take her criticism of anything I did. I was lucky I had a great bunch of friends and a fabulous job which ensured my stability. She died 14 yrs before my Dad and my relationship with him saved me. When she described how her Mother had treated her just after she'd done the same thing to me, it made me afraid to have children in case I inflicted it on them. I now think it is in some ways learned behaviour. I found this video really useful. Thank you.

[@MohamedTorky-vc7fp]

It is amazing, very helpful, Thank you so much

[@gaurs230]

Yes I have always had issues with authority figures is such an important thing! My gut always says that there is some form of shame inside a toxic shame just in general for even having

[@sunbeam9222]

I didn't need to cut contact with my mum, she did with me for over 5 years. It was lovely actually. Then I had to work on being around her in a healthy enough way. I decided to use her as my teacher. Trigger after trigger after trigger. And boy did she give her best shot to activate them. Till eventually I was able to not react to them anymore. Took 40 years. She is who she is. And I am who I am. I can't change her obviously. And I have given up on the mum of my dreams long ago but weirdly enough I have learned to accept this lady fully as my mum. And not let her impact my well being. Long process. But I have to admit she's been an amazing teacher, what kept me going was thinking if you manage to handle her, everyone else you meet will be a piece of 🍰 it's been proven true so far.

[@whitecrane9433]

I like your style. This comment is really inspiring, thank you 🙌

[@richardpluim4426]

Barbara, I thank you for this video. I am the youngest in the family. I was always called the baby of the family , right up to my turning eighteen. I had two parents and three siblings. My sister was the oldest at seven years older than me, then my two brothers who are and were three and four years older than me. My oldest brother died in 2018 and he was a narcissist just like the other brother. My father, Im not sure what he was, but he would fly off the handle at the slightest embarrassment. My sister was the golden child and she would carry the torch for my dad. Truth be known, I don't even know her. My dad had this friend by the name of Ray Steele and when Ray was around and if I or one of my brothers stepped out of line, then off would come the belt. My dad would get so worked up that he would leave the ground. His friend would be yelling...Give them hell Ab Give em hell. In the midst of all this chaos, my mom would be yelling for my dad to stop. My mother was a true empath. Once when I was nine years old, I had told my mom that I didn't like myself. My dad overheard me and yelled saying what do you mean you don't like your self. He threatened me with violence and I backed down from that assertion. Some childhood huh. PS the brother that passed away, I suspect that he may have committed murder on numerous women. I have have gone to the police, but they do not care.

[@lorisnyder89]

Oops, wasn't finished. Yes, to the grieving! This is painful but needs to be expressed. I realized I was grieving a lot along my journey. Anger, grief, anxiety - yuck! But we must work through and I highly recommend finding someone to pray about this with you and walk with you in this journey.

[@DarthJarJar10]

I appreciate that you approached this topic with the nuance and complexity it deserves. However, I'm beyond being compassionate for the narcs in my family. All that happens is it exploited by them.

[@Sophie-ur2qb]

I feel the same way 😮‍💨 Please have compassion for yourself first! You don't owe them anything.

[@DarthJarJar10]

@@Sophie-ur2qb, thank you! I will! It's so bizarre how so few people can say such helpful words! It's not even a long sentence. You don't owe them anything too! Live your life on your terms!

[@Sophie-ur2qb]

@DarthJarJar10 thank you ❤️ you are so kind 😊 We got this!

[@syr79021]

God bless you all for help!

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Anger is good after the denial

[@ellyk8834]

You often hear estranged parents bleating, "You sound angry!" and even if there is no anger or emotion of any kind they *insist* you are angry. I think they know their children *should* be angry and a lot more toward them . Narc's just love to make you believe that your emotions aren't valid and that brainwashing is supposed to kick in when they trigger the - anger is wrong/bad so if you're angry nothing you say is valid (they want that loop-hope themselves) and if you are angry at them because they haven't done anything to deserve anger, that makes you bad too. Anything to avoid that their child has a right and it's *normal* to be pi$$ed when people abuse you.

[@MrSuperbluesky]

@@ellyk8834beautifully said