Being Autistic & Hard On Yourself (And Others)

[@stephenie44]

I recently learned that some people are utterly disgusted by their inner child because the sheer vulnerability of them is so hard to look at and relate to. And it makes sense, if the world has demanded that you build a hard outer shell and be unfeeling, the you that you were before that just sort of screams NOT SAFE. I personally love my inner child, but I can relate to that concept in smaller ways. Like, I used to LOVE walking on my toes, but my dad pointed out that’s a thing autistic kids do, and that was enough to make me think, “oh, not supposed to do that.” At the time it felt like I just corrected myself and moved on, it’s only as an adult that I can point to how strange and confusing it was to be judged for something I found joy in. But I guess it taught me toe walking g was judge-worthy, because there was another kid in my grade that would bounce around the school walking on their toes and I would look at them with such disgust and disbelief, like don’t they know that’s an autistic thing? People can see that, you know. Like, super looking down on it. It’s just so sad, because underneath it was a lot of cognitive dissonance and sadness disguised by a feeling of “knowing better.”

[@EmmieJonson]

It makes a lot of sense that you get annoyed at people when they're struggling with the things you were not allowed to struggle with. The fact that they're struggling with it and don't get yelled at and treated horribly, makes you angry about the injustice that you were treated horribly. It happens to me too. I also sometimes get annoyed at people who are good at something that I struggle with and who believe their strength is "obviously" universal and expect me to also have this strength.

[@Holly-tw6bt]

THIS.

[@flyygurl18]

I totally get this! It's only contraversial because it is what is never said; we all think things and it is about how we act on them 100%. I get your stoic perspective; seeing the reality of things is unavoidable if you have have overcome lot of existentially challenging experiences. It's frustrating to experience people struggle with things that might be overcome with a little more attention. It's about having a balanced view of yourself too..strengths and weaknesses

[@Holly-tw6bt]

"Because I was so hard on myself growing up, and the people around me were so hard on me growing up, I get so fucking annoyed when the people around me can't do the same thing I can." GIRL. You have just described my entire internal crisis I've been having for the past 2 weeks. I get so god-awful irritated at people for things, and knowing they can't help it makes me the opposite of patient. I feel like an absolute monster. Trying to feel more compassion for them backfires. How come I have to make room for their "quirks" when room was never made for mine?

[@kittyk3603]

I am 38 and have heard "You are too hard on yourself" most of my life. The interesting thing is it would come from people whom I had commitments to. For example, teachers, peers that ask for my help, supervisors, etc. I would be so confused how they interpreted me trying to rise to the occasion as being hard on myself. Don't they want to put their best foot forward as well? I believe take directness as harshness sometimes. Great video on a very relatable topic. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@coriclickner8992]

I really relate to this. It's really hard to look at yourself objectively and with compassion, while also not letting yourself get complacent. It's a constant balancing act between not being so hard on yourself that you feel like it's hopeless and you'll never change, while also not being so easy on yourself that you can't see the places that you need to change. I'm glad you seem to have found a middle ground that works for you and I can definitely see why comments like "you should be easier on yourself" would feel invalidating after working so hard to get there. I also totally agree that it can be really frustrating to watch people struggle with the same things that you do. Personally, the most annoying part is when someone is struggling with an issue that you've worked hard to overcome, but they talk about the situation like there's nothing they can do about it and that it just is the way it is. Or when they treat the situation like there's some easy solution that will just happen on it's own without them having to do anything. It's very invalidating to have to struggle and suffer just to get to a more stable place, then have someone else act like what you just did was impossible or should be handed over to them on a silver platter. As for why I enjoy watching your videos, it's definitely not because I think you're the nicest person in the world or perfect in any regard, but because I've really related to a lot of the experiences you've shared, both positive and negative. While I don't think you can ever really know what's going on with someone from the other side of a camera, you come across as very genuine in your videos which I appreciate. It helps me feel less alone, as most of the people in my life don't understand what it's like growing up neurodivergent in an unstable family.

[@p1body723]

Thats so relatable. Some things you just cant do for yourself but you still try to change bad circumstance and overcome difficulties. Seeing people who have trouble in similar life situations and not trying ANYTHING sometime confuse me so much. We all deserve better life, but you at least should do your best to achieve something

[@siennaprice1351]

I’ve had people tell me that I’m way abusive towards myself. And sometimes, I don’t stop to think about it. But they may be right. I slap myself for even showing fucking emotions of dysregulation. I smack myself for missunderstanding things. Because I just have the, “when are you gonna learn to stop taking stuff so personally?” And I probably am being too hard on myself. I think it’s due to both autism and CPTSD. But I’d say mainly CPTSD. I’m sure I’m also mentally and verbally abusive to myself. But I do know that I can break this cycle and be more kinder to myself, especially when I’m dysregulated. I can also relate to when you said you get annoyed at people who can’t do the things you can do. I have this too. And like yo, I have to stop and think, I was once there where this person is right now.

[@thethegreenmachine]

The closest I can think of to the opposite of "bias" is "objectivity".

[@laurencewinch-furness9450]

Or impartiality

[@AmarisFrede]

Your robe is pretty. Looks cozy.

[@nullifye7816]

The thoughts you don't like about yourself, that you dislike, the frustrations about others, I totally resonate with! I really respect you for both being able to identify and express it and admit to it. It's really difficult to find an "acceptable" level of "annoyed by others", lol. Probably it's very low :P

[@paradisefound3536]

Finding that sweet spot of holding myself accountable whilst still being kind to myself is so frigging hard for me. Especially when I'm depressed. Obviously I'm kinder to myself when I'm not depressed but I'm also alot less useless when I'm not depressed. Conundrum 🤷‍♀️

[@MickeyDJ1]

I'm always too emotionally tired to really comment, cos there's so much to say, and well, typing shit often doesn't cut it. Suffice to say, I 'love' you for your raw honesty, intelligent reflection and your questioning nature, and _not_ because of a perception of perfection in your personality. You are a survivor, a fighter, with a high degree of perseverance. I really respect that. I am quite confident that _most_ here are on that same page, not to mention them elements of identifying with some or much of what you discuss. Much love. ❤❤❤ PS: If many people consistently say or see the same thing, then maybe consider thinking about where the (or some) disparity lays.

[@idontwannapickanametho]

9:22 this is exactly how I feel. I get so worked up by people doing things I'm not "allowed" to, things I learned not to do

[@daviniarobbins9298]

I love the sound effect you put in the video there. I never really had a true friend in my life. Sure there has been the odd person I was close to at times in my life(not romantically) but now I look back on things they weren't really a friend just someone I hung out with and then you realise you got nothing in common with them. They either drifted away from me or I have drifted away from them. I have accepted myself. I am a loner. Happy with that. Basically be yourself. Don't try to be something you are not. Only misery lies there. "What others think of me is none of my business." None of us are 100% good. If I had the power to make people vanish like they never existed... Thank god I don't have that power because let me tell you the teachers and kids at my first school would now... Lets not go there. Have you dreamed about your parents yet? Ever since my parents have passed I have dreamed about them from time to time. Some of them are super weird. The last one was lucid. It didn't feel like a dream at all. I was in a hallway of a house that I didn't recognise and there was a door. I opened it and entered and found my parents. I said to them You're dead and my mum said We know and my dad said something stupid like I wish I done this years ago and I shouted I am transgender and then the dream ended. My parents looked as they did when I was a young child not when they were old and sick. Didn't feel like a dream. It felt like I had visited the here after.

[@MickeyDJ1]

Wow..!! I'm not the only one to have the people vanishing ideal, lol. I've always thought people would be nicer if it was actually a sort of rare event to meet another human being. So yeah, 90% population reduction sounds quite attractive on so many levels. Much love. :)

[@nchobson]

None of us are perfect, I think all we can do is our best and try to be the best version of yourself. Try and have compassion and empathy for others.

[@niastephens1173]

One thing to remind yourself is that there are most likely other autistic people who can do things that you can’t do, and they may be annoyed at you for it. I can understand why you feel how you do, but try to direct that anger away from the people who can’t do what you can, because the anger should really be aimed at society and everyone that didn’t support you through the things you struggled with, and made it so you had to figure it out on your own. Try to remind yourself that if you had the support you needed, then you would accept that support, you wouldn’t force yourself to do the near impossible just because there are others that don’t have a choice. My point is, we’re all different. It’s really not fair that you have had to figure out so much on your own when you really needed support. However, even if another autistic person was in the position where they didn’t have support, and had to figure things out on their own, they may not be able to do so in the way you have (I know it hasn’t been easy for you) and simply wouldn’t survive it. So you have to consider that they might have higher or different support needs to you. I hope this comment doesn’t come across negatively, I love your content! Im just trying to show a different perspective. You’ve probably already thought of the points I’ve made, but I feel like it helps to hear it from someone else ❤

[@newworldlove7031]

You are doing really well Dana. Remember the world was not set up for people like us so it takes extra work and self healing at times to win at life!!

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

I get some of the frustrations you get with not ND and NT people. I have some ND friends who do things that make me smack my forehead. But I’ll also get angry when someone close to me will allow a 20.00 bill to go into collections. Drives me nuts. (And it can affect me. And these are NT people).

[@sambbbb]

This video made me sad. I used to be like this too.

[@telofy]

Maybe there are people who would be helped if they were harder on themselves, or more self-critical, but I'm pretty sure that's not you or I. If I fuck up and have been shitty to someone, I think nothing is gained by me beating myself up over it. Instead I want to focus all that energy into how I can make it up to the other person, how I can make amends, how I can make them feel good again and repair our relationship. Feeling too much guilt or shame can make that more difficult because I might be too ashamed to talk to them, which makes it all really difficult, or they might not give me important feedback and just silently withdraw because they've learned that learning of a mistake causes me to hurt myself disproportionately, and they want to protect me from myself. That said, your self-acceptance is one of the things I enjoy most about your channel! I think it only really comes out in videos from the last year or two? There are some older ones that I enjoy rather as testaments to how far you've come since in your quest for self-respect. About 10 minutes in you describe a very typical pattern of how aggression and generally dysfunctional behavioral patterns get handed down from generation to generation until there is someone with your insight and strength to have all these aggressive thoughts and then not act on them. That's what it feels like to be that heroic dam that stops a stream of aggression down the generations. Like, my grandmas have been told to always accommodate everyone; my parents have been taught to always accommodate everyone (esp. my mom); and so I was taught to always accommodate everyone: reply to every message or question, always make sure someone answers the telephone, constantly be on the lookout whether someone might need something (when they ask for it, it's too late), never turn anyone down, etc. So now, when I'm so accommodating and people don't reciprocate it, I feel badly betrayed, insulted, disrespected, humiliated (does not apply to KZbin comments!). I suffered so much for this! How dare you just flout everything I've been painfully trained for! Am I really so worthless to deserve such treatment? But hey, I have insight and self-control, so instead I take a step back and (1) check in with them whether there's some fear, ADHD, misunderstanding, etc. holding them back, or (2) they just don't want to have so much contact. If it's 1, perfect, that can be resolved. If it's 2, I tell them that I'll adjust to that (as me), but also (as objective observer), that I think they're doing great and that I'm proud of them for looking out for themselves so well. I'm quite happy with this compromise I've found between not passing down the self-effacingness of my family and still expressing my own needs.

[@nozo61]

This topic ties me up in knots! I have a constant flow of negativity in my head about me and it’s hard then not to apply my unachievable standards to others as well. My immediate response to the ‘you’re too hard on yourself’ is ‘but I need to be to keep myself in line!’ But then, stepping back from it, I then felt I was being manipulative, talking myself down to seek reassurance, looking for self validation from others. I get triggered when I hear people expressing self dissatisfaction, I can’t stand that they feel that way too, that they’re suffering, that it’s so right for us to feel wrong! It makes me feel we’re cemented in wrongness, no possibility of improvement. So my new ‘rule’ is to change how I express it externally, not ‘I’m such a failure (or whatever)’ to ‘It makes me feel like a failure (but that’s no help to me) so I’m going to try to overcome it’. It’s clunky but I’m trying so hard not to ‘inflict’ myself on people. It’s my attempt to challenge the rigid inner negativity by expressing myself in a more hopeful way. I know that everyone has their own negative self beliefs so I’m always listening to how others reframe this in their own conversations and notice that just by putting it in a humorous way it defuses the sting. It really is exhausting just living but Dana’s content has been one way of pushing myself forward, learning, identifying and not wallowing in myself feeling hopeless.

[@UnvisibleGirl]

I use to be like that, was always like "well I can do it so surly you can too" but these days I've had the comment multiple times of "you have the patiences of a saint". I do occasionally still get the odd rush of anger when someone is just not doing it but I don't act on it and try and figure out a new path for them. To be fair, I help people by guiding them so I usally see them putting some sort of effort in so if they not trying I can match their enegy and not bother too xD.

[@drealexatos3459]

Not what I expected; like your take.

[@SloweddieSpaghetti]

No, you're fine, even cool - more like down to earth. I acrually like listening to you 🙂

[@bunnywavyxx9524]

I relate so much I'm exactly this critical as an autistic person. And for neurodivergents there may be some resentment that NT people get to have patience for XYZ situation when we didn't get that for any situation even if it's unrelated. I think this is a thing of growing up walking on eggshells as a kid, then becoming a very internally critical teen and adult not necessarily autism. Essentially you want other people to suffer like/because you did, and their lack of suffering is kind of offending. In other words we adopt the traits of the type of characters that hurt us as children. The more judgmental I am to any one, I am judgmental to myself just as much. Sometimes, it's very crab in the bucket mentality.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

Excellent point in the 4:00 in or so. I HATE when I accidentally hurt someone’s feelings.

[@emilyglonek7417]

Unrelated but that hairstyle looks really cool!!

[@radishraven9]

I will acknowledge I'm hypocritical, because i hate being told I'm being too hard on myself while at the same time feeling that about other people lol 😅 About the second part going on a tangent, i have been watching Sydney Zarlengo's video about creepiness and cringiness and pondering how other autistic people made me feel disgusted and angry as i was growing up, because i felt they weren't matching the accepted social norms, which was really scary to me. Also i was recognizing my own flaws mirrored in them 🙈 so now i am actively working on catching myself whenever i am feeling uncomfortable with someone. Is is because i am overwhelmed stress or sensory wise? or whether i am getting bad signals from a person? and do those signals warrant me getting p*ssed off at them? Sometimes i get mad that someone has greasy hair, but when was the last time i had a shower you know? 😂

[@AM-sw9di]

I've recently bern able to face how i come across to other people in a more honest light, and I understand a lot more why people are unsure of my motives, or find me aloof or not worth putting the energy into. I dont think I'm a bad person, but I'm not as good a person as i thought I was, and i can't prevent others from taking me the wrong way when i am meaning well. There are things ive done and said that i could scream all day were well intended, but if someone did the same to me (and they have many times!) I would be very upset. I cant deny that sometimes i do these things so much that i cant blame others if they decide to put a lot less effort into our relationship. If i know someone is autistic i will always give them more benefit of the doubt than I would an NT (I try to give that anyway), but my god i have been friends with some absolutely toxic and actually abusive autistic people (often these relationships were mutually toxic i just couldnt see my part in it), so even though i give benefit of the doubt i know my limits nowadays. One thing i really hate is how autistic people are seen as pure and innocent angels who cant do no wrong, and i sometimes think some of us subconsciously benefit from that. I know i did, and i doubt I'm the only one. I put everything that went wrong with people down to them misunderstanding my good intentions. I think that started to change when i learned the phrase 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions', because it prompted me to think more about whether my good intentions had good results, or whether they were really ever good intentions in the first place. But getting to this point meant a lot of work accepting myself, and accepting my 'shadow', and accepting the bad in others and the world, which does not mean condoning it but instead simply not denying it or believing that it was possible to crush all that was harmful and bad. That it is, however unfortunately, a part of life and will be forever. I cant deny it though, autism can make me a bad friend. I find that i cant give to others what they need without a big cost to myself, but unfortunately there is also a big cost to not trying, friendlessness. Ive had to make a choice here, and i have to continue making choices, to maintain friendships or go without. I accept i cant have everything i want, thats okay, im getting there. On a rare occasion a friendship is worth the energy, but eventually it will become too much unless the other can accept and not pressure me, and likewise, but unfortunately i cant expect others to be this for me, and i cant expect myself always to havr energy for a person. When i accepg being alone its okay, i have things i can do, i have a partner who accepts and cares for me, we give eachother accomodations and support eachother, and who is a part of my life enough that he doesnt drain me and who i have the energy to give to, which is more than a lot of people with similar social issues have. I am very lucky, but it would be a lie to say that i didnt work bloody hard on my mental health and perspective to get to this point of having and maintaing a partner. I just find that nowadays i dont have the energy or will to do the things that lead me to meeting people like him, but that's okay. I also have avpd, so that's a whole different thing, and recently i have been 'low functioning'.

[@brianfoster4434]

I understand what you are saying.

[@thethegreenmachine]

When I was younger, I would sometimes look down on someone who hadn't mastered something I'd mastered maybe a week ago. I don't know how much of that is nature, but it's most definitely nurture (or both). People looked down on me. Sometimes positive growth does probably require some outside negative pressure, but sometimes the pressure is completely useless or even counterproductive. At least ableism is something people think about these days.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

Me too. But I’ve been more merciful lately on both NT people I know, and other fellow autistic people. I’ve come to realize we all have our difficulties. And I don’t always know what’s going on in the other person’s life.

[@danielledegale6195]

@Dana Anderson Have you considered, at the bit where you’re talking about how people who struggle with things that you struggled with frustrate you, is just a mirroring of those experiences of your mother to get understanding/compassion of the situation/her?

[@DanaAndersen]

I have plenty of understanding and empathy for my mother, it doesn’t change that she was neglectful and abusive 🤷‍♀️

[@danielledegale6195]

​@@DanaAndersenoh def didn't mean it like that. Meant it more like you internalized that experience of her and so respond the same way she did because that version of yourself thought that that's how you're supposed to respond to that kind of situation. Kind of a black and white approach. If that makes sense... I'm trying so hard to not do the ND info dump relate to your experience from my own personal experience thing😅

[@DanaAndersen]

@danielledegale6195 my apologies, reading comments late at night about personal things can get me a lil defensive 😅 Rereading with the added context I totally get what you mean, sorry for snapping!

[@danielledegale6195]

​@@DanaAndersenI totally get it. No harm done. I have the same experiences too💕

[@laura.bseyoga]

💚

[@MorbinNecrim86]

Would not the opposite of biased be non-biased? Sometimes I say the wrong things and upset people inadvertantly, but I've apologized for so much throughout my life i won't usually apologies, just feel guilty in silence. If it's someone I really care about I will apologies, I won't if I don't mean it though

[@laurencewinch-furness9450]

I think a lot of autistic people are too hard on themselves. I was talking to one autistic colleague and said "you're one of the most driven and productive people I know" (I was trying to chat her up, but it was true!) She replied "really? Because I don't think I do enough" I can have the same mindset myself sometimes.

[@nobodyofconsequence6522]

Sorry if I have ever said this to you. I've seen some youtubers who need a good hard kick up the ass about this and it's left me a little raw. But you're not like this. Most of what you say about yourself in the negative is indeed the frank realism required to function in society. And it took me way to long to realize your emotions are basically a co-processor that can help you understand situations better and bottling them up is a really bad idea even in the moment.

[@steveneardley7541]

"it doesn't matter who hates me because I hate myself more." You are so funny.

[@eimanm4676]

If someone told me to be kind to myself my response is Nope, if you dont like my behaviour please pay me to get some therapy or classes,otherwise just put up with it as everybody else does 😂😊

[@Voidforestbird]

How dare you have bad emotions and thinking btchy thoughts sometimes 😅 about yourself and/or others. Gasp. Idk, this is why I feel comfortable with a harsh tone with neurodivergent friends. We can say these thoughts out loud, but we both know that it's subjective and kinda silly stuff even if it sounds serious. Like in this case I would be tempted to say yes, be your own harsh mistress you bratty potato 😂 bad brain, bad! (but ofc it requires communication and mutual understanding of intentions around boundaries. Saying it to a stranger would be hilariously awkward lol)

[@_Stalc_]

is this for me?

[@ryanmahaffie329]

It is. SO HARD. to not be hard on ourselves. Especially more so if you're still struggling with unexpected behaviors and feelings. It can feel like having a coworker who's more experienced than you who acts like they just got hired last week, but the coworker is in charge of your body & brain. what's helped me the most with my negative self talk/internal dialogue is to stop following the trite "Give yourself grace" "Forgive yourself" "Take it easy on yourself". What's helped me the most is just "I want to be less of a dick to me". Something about the wording feels better that way. Probably comes off as a really pedantic difference but, eh, it's what I got. Removing a perceived metric or end goal to follow (to not feel bad about my inconvenient traits ever, seemingly), and setting myself up with a generic direction or magnetic north to follow, really, REALLY helped. Manifestation and affirmations are just repeated lies to myself and it doesn't work as well, in my experience. I also find it extremely difficult to sit in a... idk how to put it exactly. But a state of dissatisfaction with my own behavior or an outcome, that's strong enough to motivate me to make the necessary changes, and not so strong that the levy breaks and I go straight into "you're a horrible human being" territory. So anymore I try to hold myself somewhat accountable and feel bad when I don't handle a situation well, and if I notice I'm having circling/ruminating thoughts that's when I'll shift my focus to a distraction.

[@steveneardley7541]

Because I grew up with brutal criticism as the main content of conversation, I am continually fighting this inner battle to justify my existence. I am trying to censor my tendency to harsh self-criticism I don't feel worthless, and never did. However, if I could get to the point where I just found myself annoying, it would be a major step forward.