Best HFY Reddit Stories: Humanity: Masters of Hand-to-Hand Combat

Don't show them our pro wrestling!
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#hfy #Greentext #awesome #space #spaceorcs #/tg/ #greentexts #4chan

[@davidatkinson47]

Judo: the art of folding clothes while a person still wears them.

[@AtamaKizu]

Krav maga, the Israeli art of kicking people in the nuts.

[@willparry530]

@@AtamaKizu or gouging their eyes :P

[@frogtank4407]

*gentle art

[@Ranulfdatank]

See also Involuntary Yoga.

[@itsmeagainandagain8771]

Jiu-jitsu has entered the chat

[@42meep13]

Human: so... you want us to teach you martial arts to fight the evil alien "terminators" because they can disable all your electronic systems Aliens: Yes. Human: Alright... let's start with "gun-fu" (For the Algorithm)

[@MidnightDStroyer]

Ah, yes...Gun-Fu. Originally named Ching-Ching-Pow.

[@keithedwards9953]

You mean John Wick Wu Shu?

[@black1917]

@@keithedwards9953Choa Young Phat(I think I spelled that right) but yeah.

[@lego_minifig]

Ah yes, Gun Kata. I hear that users who master this can slow time when firing bullets when performing acrobatics.

[@driverr988]

When all the bullets have been fired, when all the blades are broken, when all the armor has been shattered, you have only yourself to rely on.

[@nmartinez18]

Humans didn't evolve claws, horns, or fangs to fight enemies and prey, the natural weapon we evolved were brains that allowed us to think and learn. To think and learn that over generations we invented so many styles and ways to hone the bodies nature gave us into weapons, in and of themselves, that we learn and pit them against each other for fun.

[@eleethtahgra7182]

And a body that adapt to physical stress. A shaolin guy could train to stand on one finger. A muathay guy could break a small tree with his kick... Theres also a training where the guy could drag several kilo of weight with his nuts...

[@AnxiousFly]

I dunno man, I'd say we evolved to be pretty fucking good at chucking or otherwise propelling missiles of any sort. Think throwing club, slings, boomerang, spear, bow and arrow, bola etc.

[@nmartinez18]

@@AnxiousFly And I would say intelligence is one of the reasons we figured out we can kill things from a distance with a good throw. Then we figured out a lot of good things to do it with. We went from throwing rocks to being able to be lethal from over a mile away.

[@zarlsalamandersspacemarine302]

@@nmartinez18 Our ability to hit things at range has always given us an edge. It was our intelligence to make new ways to throw things or to make deadlier things that made things kick off

[@willparry530]

@@eleethtahgra7182 yikes XD

[@XBloodyBaneX]

One thing I think is forgotten quite frequently about humans is that our bite is toxic. No, we don't inject toxins, but our mouths are extremely unsanitary, containing a lot of bacteria, a bite from a human is nearly guaranteed to get infected. We may not have great biting force, or teeth good for tearing/latching onto our prey, but if we ever Do bite, and the other party survives, if left unattended, the wound will fester and get infected. Possibly even leading to gangrene and amputation.

[@willparry530]

that assumes their biology is compatible enough with ours to be infected by any of it, though.

[@Mad_Overseer]

So we bring them down with us? fitting

[@admiralspire]

Our bite is good enough to kill or severely injure a lot of humans as well as animals. Same reason you could technically kill a grizzly bear with a big knife. But chance of you also making it out alive are slim. Humans have decent strength, excellent stamina and motor skills. But pretty poor defenses.

[@redraven8963]

it's called a fight bite

[@michaelwebster3124]

I would push back against the idea that we do not have a strong bite force. This may be true on earth but in space...

[@robertwalker5794]

Yes, we have a vast history in martial arts and yes, it should (and is) taught to soldiers but when facing an enemy with actual claws and poisoned teeth, nothing beats a gun.

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

To be fair, it sounds like even the allied species haven't actually noticed humanities development of chemical propelled kinetic weapons yet and also didn't discover them themselves or they dismissed them long ago. I'm betting every other species went bows and arrows for ranged weaponry then discovered electricity and ways of using it to make effective weapons before discovering explosives. That is they discovered explosives but saw them as too dangerous to safely research and thus abandoned.

[@SoulariceJackson]

what about a bazzoka?

[@AtamaKizu]

CQC is not only direct hand to hand but also includes brick to face, knife to (insert body part) and if you are familiar with old meme boot to the head.

[@paxamericania5923]

@@donanthebarbarian5177 humanity: haha kentic weapon go brrrrrttt

[@donanthebarbarian5177]

@@paxamericania5923 I mean until someone REALLY angers is we might just stick to human martial artists as soldiers. After all unless we are truly angry I don't think we'd want to introduce these naive children to anything resembling real war.

[@gaza102289]

I think a great part 2 would be the gs learning that outside of competitions, a lot of humans skilled in fight are taught not to fight. And, after much frustrations , the aliens simply shout "and what if you have to fight? What if your electronic weapons fail and you have no choice?" "I guess I'd just shoot them" "No human, we said electronics don't work" "Yes i heard you. I'd just use my sidearm in a life and death situation" "And how do intend to use your weapon when it doesn't work?" The human grinned

[@CHRF-55457]

Expensive weapon is now expensive club

[@matthewschocke4094]

​@@CHRF-55457Hard to EMP an M1911...

[@peterwall8191]

Unarmed martial arts are fun, but for serious close up work.. nothing beats armed martial arts. Hell, we' ve been killing beasts and men for millennia ,with nothing better than pointy sticks. Long and sturdy pointy sticks i'll grant you, reinforced with metal some times, but at the end of the day they are pointy sticks. Its like we stumbled upon an idea ,and we've been riffing on it ever since.

[@IamDarkeye]

Or rocks on sticks! Can’t forget about the beautiful marriage of the rock and the stick!

[@peterwall8191]

@@IamDarkeye Now that 's a catchy idea. A rock combined with a stick! Genius! We do like throwing things, i think its our ape heritage.

[@rikardosilva1754]

We shall conquer the universe with the power of the mighty stick, what are rockets besides long metal sticks? What are bones besides calcium sticks? What are bullets besides really fast and short metal sticks?

[@peterwall8191]

@@rikardosilva1754 If it works ..why change it ?

[@willparry530]

@@rikardosilva1754 this post sponsored by Shad M. Brooks

[@goldiegolderman1842]

Proud to be a Terran! FOR THE EMPEROR AND THE IMPERIUM OF MAN!

[@bloodraven7237]

FOR THE EMPEROR

[@krystianobara5475]

Tremble under his majesty becouse we walk in his immortal shadow...

[@goldiegolderman1842]

@@krystianobara5475 ^One who reads the divine liturgy of our Undying Lord!

[@-MeatsOfEvil-]

UUUURAHHH!

[@eleethtahgra7182]

Meanwhile, HK action movies; Let us introduce you to Gun Fu. Jhon Wick; Let us dial it up to 11.

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

Bless the Narrator Bless the Author

[@driverr988]

Shin anju, the ancient Korean art of hand-to-hand assassination.

[@Meladonessable]

Man wait until they see our use of melee weapons and fire arms.

[@MidnightDStroyer]

Ah yes...The School of Hack-N-Slash & being sanctified into the Priesthood of the Gun. The former is the Art of Sharp Instruments & the latter is for imposing your will upon the world by the use of a single finger.

[@WardNightstone]

no matter the species, no matter the size, Joints are joints, pressure points are pressure points line i read in a comic as a kid i forget which one sadly but it stuck with me

[@aleisterlavey9716]

Herp derp muh muh... but exoskeleton ...?

[@sugarkross355]

@@aleisterlavey9716 joints are joints. it's not all hard chitinous plate, grab its limb and twist, weakest joint'll break.

[@aleisterlavey9716]

@@sugarkross355 I just tried to twist off a xenos limb. Nope, it just kept turning. It then told me something about free floating cellular attachment and that I better get a good lawyer because it sues me for assault.

[@willparry530]

@@aleisterlavey9716 that is not physically possible, lol

[@rayzuke1232]

Squid aliens enter chat.

[@320466]

This story reminds me of the forever war in which at the end of a war with aliens humanity created a null field that disables energy fields and basically kill the user if not with in a evironmental suit. So the aliens and himans fought with swords and shields and weapons from millenia back.

[@catfwish]

*Laughs in handgun.*

[@noppornwongrassamee8941]

@@catfwish *Brings fully automatic Rifles with bayonets.* *Brings them in APCs and Tanks armed with machine guns and explosive ammunition.* Hmm... I wonder what an armored fighting vehicle would be like if designed by a space age civilization with space age materials but no electronics except maybe a radio?

[@johnnycampbell3422]

Unarmed against a caparis, claws, spikes, fangs, real teeth, exo-armor; naw, I'll pass.

[@320466]

iamprettysureacrazy will takeup the offer.like the cocadile hunter

[@dazmaster22]

Well, from what I gather it would be hand to hand combat against opponents with barely more than long dormant instincts about how to fight hand to hand.

[@shovel662]

@@dazmaster22 still, a noobie with a force multiplier can be equally or more dangerous than an experienced unarmed fighter. The reason for this is simple: weapons reliably end fights with fewer blows.

[@nocount7517]

Krav Maga, a hybrid of boxing, wrestling, judo, aikido, and karate, is widely considered the world's deadliest form of martial arts. As such, it is one of the few not deemed suitable for sport, with one such other being Rough & Tumble, which was used by American rebels during the American Revolution.

[@kokofan50]

Rough & Tumble is older than the Revolution

[@crayonchomper1180]

Krav Maga can't be a sport because of the prevalence of incapacitating moves it depends on; groin kicks, reverse elbow bending, knee kicks, etc...

[@eleethtahgra7182]

I think because its for killing, not subduing...

[@CaptainSharkbait]

"is widely considered the world's deadliest form of martial arts", not it isnt. By Krav Maga guys maybe but nobody else actually thinks a Krav Maga guy could win against a cagefighter.

[@nocount7517]

@@CaptainSharkbait Notice I said "widely considered." That includes the general public. And why would the USMC adopt something from another military (the IDF, in this case) if it wasn’t effective?

[@paulhuston9991]

But what makes the galactic community think we will join their side?

[@willparry530]

we already have, that's the implication.

[@baronpay016]

Kali: the art of dual wielding from hand to sticks to knife and swords

[@armandomorales1210]

How the fuck is judo going to help against a species with poison fangs and claws that can puncture through armor? Wouldn't standard guns or even just a spear be better?

[@willparry530]

all that bulk means they are likely not terribly agile. Maybe they can build up speed, but that means redirecting their energy against them would be child's play for a Judo master.

[@armandomorales1210]

@@willparry530 I don't think that'd work. Judo and martial arts in general are built to fight human opponents. The worst McDojo schools would be totally ineffective in a real fight or outside of a contest against another practitioner of the same style. What do you do against a creature with a totally different center of mass? Or one that's just plain stronger than a human? Earth animals can totally screw up a martial artist. I wouldn't want to take on a chimp or any great ape with just judo training. I mean, if you encounter an enemy that just EMPs energy weapons and then gets into melee, why aren't they using standard firearms, which are totally mechanical and can't be remotely disabled? Why aren't they just using polearms? I get the feeling of the author thought of a cool idea: raise of aliens gets defeated by martial arts, then had to try and justify why that would make sense at all and didn't pull it off.

[@willparry530]

@@armandomorales1210 Sure they are built to fight human opponents, but the in universe narrator acknowledged that. He specifically said it could be _adapted_ which to me speaks of more consideration for the differences than you perceived in the story.

[@armandomorales1210]

@@willparry530 In fairness, it had been nearly a month since I listened to this story, but I still don't think that works. The "Terminator" creatures were described as being very strong, with powerful claws, and bacteria laden acidic saliva that can corrode the "metal-like" shells of one of the aliens (which I assume means the aliens this affected had shells kinda like those ocean snails that pick up iron deposits in their shells) What is MMA supposed to do against *that??* Why on *Earth* am I trying to put a xenomorph with crab claws in a joint lock if I have the option of a shotgun or even just a spear?

[@willparry530]

@@armandomorales1210 Yeah that's fair, I am only just catching up and slowly going through the backlog of missed videos, myself XD Anyway. Judo isn't about joint locks, Judo is about using the enemy's momentum against them. It's not about halting the enemy, it's about _redirecting_ them. Given we're more agile than them, which is a pretty safe bet, while yeah, it's not ideal, the cards are not just all in their favor. The point is, they are trying to think how to deal with an enemy with lots of advantages when their other tech is disabled. Honestly a longsword is probably better than a spear--more durable--for finding the weaknesses in the joints, and probably a club to deal kinetic force damage--blunt force is GREAT against plate armor. Most martial arts aren't actually unarmed, almost every one of them has some kind of associated weaponry that can easily be incorporated into it. Also keep in mind this is just one alien giving his thoughts on the matter from an outside perspective, not a system-wide policy he's implementing. So he's allowed to get things wrong, especially since he still really only has surface level information.

[@lukkaredwolf3534]

Alas, I am saddened by the lack of direct identification of that most practical British Martial Art.

[@lennoxshepherd3905]

I feel like this needed proof reading, maybe thrice, before posting

[@KnightlyChaotic]

The story idea had so much potential. We got this instead. Well read, though.

[@stevensutton3577]

Claim your here within an hour prize here: also second.

[@cheekyvimt0]

3:10 Incapacitate, not incorporate

[@rookhobbes9055]

And then the melee weapons have to be accounted for

[@silvermoonlight4520]

The good old punch

[@mikkelnpetersen]

So basically. "Humanity was kung fu fighting"

[@foxalpha09]

If baki is real in this universe, sh*t will go down.

[@alexanderjosefsson4729]

Well lets talk about this thing called gun powder

[@darianmartinez6174]

Fun facts for the people out there riding this stuff because I don't have the imagination to human bites are filled with so much bacteria that an untreated human bite can make you lose a limb

[@GreenDude_Gaming]

Hi

[@elvinadhludhlu5380]

Hail, third.

[@WiredTurkey316]

For the algorithm

[@cilvaththelost7607]

Here

[@yvxnr0724]

Here 9

[@bouin91]

This was not written by a martial artist.

[@thelmaodal5801]

No shi it was written by a gun-fu professional

[@ThornMu]

Well read, but I think this is the second weakest HFY I think I've heard.

[@Bdady74]

Algorithm appeasement comment!