Betrayed, Angry, and Numb: Can Anger Help with Healing?

Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF specializes in treating and educating on betrayal trauma (infidelity recovery), addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises. This live webinar discusses the positive and negative aspects of experiencing and expressing anger after being betrayed. Some rage, some feel numb, some experience anger while not understanding the feelings underneath anger. The "right for betrayed partners to be angry" is a very polarizing topic where clients often feel shamed for getting "overly angry" but then feel shamed for not getting "angry enough". Kristin educates on the complex emotions that exist under anger from resentment, to hurt, abandonment, rejection, and even exhaustion. Anger can often be the symptom of many issues beneath the surface such as the need to set and hold boundaries, experiencing deep grief or disappointment, and a visceral desire to create safety and security in a chaotic relationship. Kristin provides an IFS (Internal Family Systems) tool to help you explore your relationship with anger further. She also uses the "anger iceberg" to provide context to angry responses. Do you rage? Do you dissociate from anger? What role might anger be playing in your life right now? Is it helpful or does it hinder the healing process? These are all topics explored on today's free webinar. This video is helpful for anyone struggling with feelings of hurt, uncertainty, trauma or betrayal and searching for a path toward healing. This is applicable to both the addict/betrayer and the partner of the addict/betrayer.
(This is a recorded live webinar through Sex and Relationship Healing, co-hosted by Tami VerHelst)
(This is educational, NOT THERAPY)
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[@larrycork1361]

I feel hurt and anger when I feel people are taking advantage of me through gaslighting, lying or other forms of deception. I expect people to mean what they say and not use deception to get what they want.

[@suzettewalsh2854]

When I first heard what he had done, and I finally got it out of him, I was numb and disassociated from my body for around three months! In the beginning, I was extremely understanding; then I went through a period of going berserk. I yell so loud that I’m sure the neighbors on either side of me heard, and I banged my hand so hard on the countertop. I thought that I was going to break my hand.! I feel like I’ve been through every range of emotion. This happened three years ago, and I finally got divorced and I still have feelings of anger of how they are this man have done this to me, and not just me but my children! He gave me two STDs. It’s a miracle that I don’t have HIV.! I was in a support group for women of sex addict husbands but hearing what all these men were doing just made me more angry so I had a quit the group! I disguised it with a lot of humor, which is a coping mechanism I’ve used throughout my life! I would get out of the group just picturing that he could’ve did all these other things that these other men did in addition was driving me nuts

[@acerpalmatum6446]

Gosh I identify so much with what you wrote

[@SOLDIER1985R]

My kids are grown now now don't know much about me, drove me to financial ruin, it's over now child support is over, but it's hard to bounce back this day in age , and to think I served this country for the judges freedom only to screw up my life

[@SOLDIER1985R]

How can I heal from 18 yrs of betrayel when misjudgement, on my case was handled poorly,

[@tommillitello4465]

If someone loves you, they don't betray you. Period. Get out! Lay down the rules. I alllowed myself to be hurt over and over before in my relationship because I couldn't stop loving her. I could not end it when even everyone said I should. It can be so very difficult to say goodbye. I was stuck. Sex with one woman can become a serious addiction for men. I was so madly in love; never again. She loved many men because men allowed it, including me. I learned my lesson. I couldn't see the lies and was deceived. I'm still devastated but I allowed it. She said I was wrong to get mad at her. It was total mind manipulation. It took an act of God to help me get away from this evil. Now I refuse to trust any woman. I have lost all hope and trust. I've tried therapy but do not care anymore about love nor do I believe it even exists. Now what?

[@EankiEtAl]

I feel every word of this. 18 years of a roller coaster of lies for me. I don’t even want to try with anyone else. I don’t trust anyone. No one.

[@tnt01]

You can't judge all women by one woman's actions towards you. There are a lot of beautiful and kind women out there that do not cheat.

[@melis7472]

It’s not gender specific.

[@eddiethompson7243]

I end up feeling so angry it’s like a love hate I can’t seem to get over the why??? Why didn’t you think about me why didn’t you listen to me when I keep telling you I don’t like the porn 😢

[@MarinaM-o6p]

American men have an extended deep relationship with porn since they are 10 years old …..personally (watching porn as a man and being married ) it’s ABUSIVE ….SINCE PORN BRINGS TONS OF OTHER WOMEN IN THE EQUATION …. could care less about if others considered it “ normal “ ….they should be ashamed of doing it and should be enforced the NO PORN RULE …..but they will spend tons of time in the toilet ….what do you think they are doing ? the main point is : if they DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU THEY WILL FIND A WAY …..GASLIGHTING CONTINUUM TELLING YOU THEY ARE TIRED, SICK , WHATEVER…….

[@StefaniaCzech]

i am in the same boat, its about them not us, they just cant connect, senind you hugs, i know this betrayal all to well

[@R.N.LosAngeles]

3:21 I go through both sides of anger: I’m either extremely POd, or I don’t care (like I’m numb about the whole situation)

[@jadegreen1554]

Sometimes, when there is not a strong enough response in anger (which could suddenly switch to anger) could be because there is some extreme emotional abuse by gaslighting and some of the gaslighting might have gotten through.

[@KristinSnowden]

Great example. Thank you

[@Lenaoflight]

I'm angry because I am not allowed to confront him. He's attempted suicide twice now and so now he is getting all the sympathy and I have to walk on eggshells because he may do it again. I can't live like this. We are in individual therapy but it's not enough. I am angry I have to babysit him after everything he did. Intellectually, I know its an addiction but it doesn't change how I feel. I deserve to feel what I am feeling.

[@Gotoworkkk]

Unfortunately, divorce is your only answer.

[@relaystationtoo]

I want to thank you, first and foremost. I have researched so many sites, so many videos, so many articles, trying to wrap my mind around all of this. I didn't get angry with my wife, even to this day, I keep feeling angry with the ap. I find I keep giving her a pass, only thing I can figure, is I lived through the anger of my mother and father, and all of the violence that came from it. I stay so very careful to not react, figured it was because of her PTSD, but really observing. It doesn't feel good for me to get angry. I only hear my grandparents say two wrongs don't make it right. So very confused.

[@tmking7483]

I perceive everyone wakes up angry now_ best not to watch the tv _ anger programming for dum dums_ turn off the tv news. And no more teletubby cartoons.

[@fairygurl9269]

🌊

[@MichaelAlbrecht-d7z]

I am a heterosexual male and I doubt that I am interested anyone.

[@SOLDIER1985R]

Sorry guess I'm still angry lol

[@Firguy_the_Foot_Fetishist]

After my wife at the time discovered my infidelity: she somehow figured out who my affair partner was and accosted her out in public. My wife swore and yelled at her and followed her as she tried to walk away from her while outting her as a "homewrecker" to any bystanders who would listen. I was angry at my wife for doing that to my AP and my AP was angry at me for not keeping her safe from reprisals. How do you feel about the cheating spouse and the other person having feelings of anger about the situation after discovery day and toward the betrayed spouse after committing some some act of retribution like harassment, assault, or worse? Do you consider that they have boundaries that should be respected or do you feel that their own distress or grievances are invalid?

[@KristinSnowden]

Hi. I have read both your comments and I’m grateful for you asking such complex, multi-faceted questions. Unfortunately the answers are so complex and dependent on knowing a lot more information, I can’t really elaborate using this medium. However, I have a feeling if you watched most of my KZbin videos you’d become more familiar with my stance on most of your questions. I believe you’re doing a brave thing by watching these videos, try to better understand the dynamics that occurred, etc. perhaps you’d benefit from attending a men’s group through sexandrelationshiphealing.com? Or read some of Omar Minwalla’s material for a different perspective from Esther Peter’s (I’m not familiar with Marnie Murphy). Some of my videos like “a message for the betrayer” and “is infidelity emotionally abusive” might give you some insight to my perspective. I hope that helps! Thank you for watching and for exploring such challenging topics.

[@KristinSnowden]

Esther Perel, not Peter-autocorrect error

[@vickybee5842]

You and your AP being angry at your then wife for reacting to her pain as she realized you betray her, humiliated her and hurt her, just shows how selfish and immature you two are. No shame

[@Firguy_the_Foot_Fetishist]

​@@vickybee5842 What my wife did *was* selfish and immature so my AP and I had every right to be angry about it and we had every right not to put up with that sort of abuse. Just because we're cheaters doesn't mean we don't have rights or boundaries, ourselves, and it doesn't mean that any other sort of retaliation is justified.

[@justsomedude7287]

⁠@@Firguy_the_Foot_Fetishistyour wife is extremely hurt because of what you did. If you’re no longer wanted to be in the relationship with her then man up and have sit down conversation but you choose to go outside your relationship. You broke the boundaries of your marriage and here you’re talking about boundaries. You may see it as selfish and immature those words should be said in the mirror.

[@igitha..._]

DIdnt realize this was an intimate relationship video about romantic partners, Ive been betrayed by my brother and family.... numb, hurt, in shock, unable to eat, unable to sleep properly, unable to focus, feeling like running away.

[@StefaniaCzech]

that type of betrayal is just as valid to feel pain, even more so if it was from your family, remove them from your life, at least for now if you are not feeling safe, and focus on being good to you and what you know is right, just deep breaths everyday, somedays thats all we can do, healing to you, this is what i am doing, day by day, i feel more me and getting my power back

[@SOLDIER1985R]

My rage makes me punch a punching bag till my knuckles bleed, I just want closure, most important to me is having someone willing to listen and feel your emotions at your level,

[@vs_12]

Disappointment, sorrow, anger, until theres no more positive memories left..really sad.

[@tmking7483]

Teletubby cartoons are the best for swapping out addictions_ instead of beer just watch what its turning u into _ a teletubby.

[@tmking7483]

Most men over ,50 think and act like teletubbies.

[@Gotoworkkk]

Women end up looking like Teletubbies