Bill Burr - Who Knew I Was Not The Father?

billburr.com/

[@mitchmcguishlin835]

They should give paternity tests automatically 'prior' to having men signing birth certificates.

[@badazzmaro]

actually if I understand correctly, new laws and regulations have made the mother somewhat of a sole executor of children's estate, so to speak. the father needs consent from the mother to have a paternity test. they don't want the guy to be calm and sane when signing those papers, cause us guys tend to read the fine print, and would realize the alimony and child support contracts are actually between fathers and the state.

[@Bennysol]

once read that around 30% of all DNA tests on new born babies from MARRIED mothers are not from their husband. and based on that number its estimated that roughly 20% of married men are taking care of kids that are not theirs but they think they are.

[@MWcrazyhorse]

You can get a dna test for a few bucks meanwhile. Mandatory and basic knowledge for EVERY father. No matter how in love. Do a test as if it's a chore like wipeing your ass.

[@mitchmcguishlin835]

I'm not sure what the hell you mean --- if you can know unequivocally whether the child you're taking home is actually 'your' child as a father (because the reality is only mommy knows for absolute sure), then how can that be somehow wrong - like wiping your ass - what the fuck are you talking about?!! Listen, just because you've got doubts about your kids parentage buddy doesn't mean you get to talk your shit and pretend like it's reasonable. Trust is for assholes like you - before a man is stuck paying a third of his income in child support, why the fuck would they NOT administer a paternity test just as a matter of course. You stupid fuck

[@MWcrazyhorse]

Mitch McGuishlin We are in agreance. A misunderstanding. You do a dna test. I think many fathers do not do a dna test. Because they love their wife, don't think she is cheating or even because they think it is not appropriate. There is nothing to think about. You have a child. You do a dna test.

[@74seva]

"You gotta be shitting me labs, Colorado" I wouldn't be surprised if someone has actually made that.

[@doshinall]

This is a horrific story indeed. I wonder if the court ruled in his favor. If I was the judge, I sure would. It's all about accountability, people. Whether you are a man, woman, black, white and all the other labels you use to differentiate yourself from others. OWN UP to the s**t you do in this life. Have some freaking integrity.

[@seano93]

+Donna Shinall But Black girls are the realest GFs, Real Shit

[@redfather5342]

Of course they didn't

[@thetrimreaper1019]

Well said, darling. Are you single by any chance??

[@LoveMyUnusual]

100%

[@xsteveconwayx]

My buddy's ex pulled that shit on another guy. They split up, she was apparently pregnant unbeknownst to my buddy, and she immediately goes and hooks up with another guy, enters a relationship, "I'm pregnant!" and the guy marries her. She tells my buddy, who lives in another part of the country at this point, that's it's not his and to leave her alone. So he takes her word for it and he does. Then the kid grows up and by age 5 or 6 the kid looks EXACTLY like my buddy. It looks like the kid took none of his mother's DNA (who is a different race, by the way). He looks so much like my friend that when he gets to high school, I could go hang out with him and think that I'm back in high school hanging with my buddy. Eventually, her husband notices that his son looks exactly like her ex and he's like, "You fucking lying bitch," and dumps her. But he's still on the hook for child support because he signed the birth certificate and raised him thinking it was his son. The guy still treats the kid like his own, which is commendable. Meanwhile, my buddy is states away and doesn't have to pay a goddamn thing. He lived for years believing it wasn't his kid, got married, and started a family with his wife. This whore fucked over 3 male's lives, not including any of their current/future wives and kids.

[@GreatGarloo]

Who knew you weren't the father? Try: ALL of her friends, her co-workers, her mom, your mom (surprise!), the guy she was screwing and just about everybody else. That is why I support DNA testing on all births (live/stillborn) to determine paternity. If your woman doesn't want that or objects to even the issue being brought up then you dump her and move on down the highway.

[@ladedade23Blunticus]

took care of child who wasnt yours for 10 years huh?

[@TheSoulsurvivor1]

ladedade23 god damn crawl back under the rock you came from and drop dead will u?

[@maxwellbarnhart1375]

Jesus man. Your own mom?

[@maxwellbarnhart1375]

That's ridiculous. You support mandatory tests on every baby? Lol dude. That's a fuckin personal issue. If your woman is dishonest, that's y'all's problem to deal with.

[@thatrandomchannel8589]

Stillborn? Dam ya got burned pretty bad.

[@BruceWayne-mb4hk]

Paying child support to a biologically intact family. 18 years a slave.

[@seano93]

+Bruce Wayne More like 24 years a slave.. Lol

[@Daniel_B79]

We need to band together and fix this broken system. For too long women have gotten away with injustices and I for one WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

[@SoulessNinja]

You gotta be shitting me labs.

[@AngelPerez-tf4te]

Raising another mans child is ridiculous rofl.

[@AletheAce]

If she has nothing to hide, what's the problem with paternity tests? I don't get it...

[@redfather5342]

Because she's a hoe

[@0Praetor0]

This guy should claim all his child support money back from the mother or father of the child with interest, as well as compensation for his effort and time he put into raising the child

[@TheSoulsurvivor1]

MWcrazyhorse very true.. a machete would be nice.. no joke either.

[@j.deleos1412]

Maybe one of the reasons why guys are not organized is because guys are willing to help throw another guy under the bus to get laid, just like that guy in that story.

[@asianniga]

+J. deleos the #1 reason its not all out in the open is because its fucking humiliating! why would you go out and tell everyone? so they can have a turn to lol

[@phillytheflyerable]

power of the pussy

[@TheSoulsurvivor1]

J. deleos dude go fuck yourself

[@RelativePerspective.]

that's so true. girls never take their fat friends to a party as a phantom decoy, knowing that their vagina is gonna be drier than the sahara dessert while the pretty one rides the nearest shuttle cock. oh wait!

[@DreX1077]

we 're not organized because we're not fucking children who complain about EVERYTHING...

[@YouGotPwn3D69]

"sticking their heads in the glove box, trying to see if you can get it all the way closed." god did i laugh

[@facelessandnameless]

Robert Baird 😂

[@ShiftyKen08]

Hoss, that ain't shit. There's a man in Detroit fighting the courts that wasn't to throw him in jail for not paying child support for a kid that's not his. He never had sex with the woman and got a DNA test that proved he wasn't the father. The reason the court came after him is simply because she put his name on the birth certificate knowing he wasn't the father, get this, BECAUSE THE REAL FATHER WAS A PIECE OF SHIT AND SHE KNEW IT. Not only that but SHE ADMITTED TO THE MAGISTRATE THAT SHE LED ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! And the court IS STILL COMING AFTER HIM! How's that's grab ya?

[@rafaeltrivino1790]

+ShiftyKen 08 I think I would lose my mind in the court room and start trying to kill the judge.

[@ShiftyKen08]

+Rafael Trivino I definitely feel that!

[@MsWabbajacker]

something similar happened to my bf friend. years ago, he was dating this chick, the chick wasn't right for him. my bf said he sensed she was with him because his family is rich and he was working in a job that will set him up, well, in the future. anyway he decided to end it with her and they banged for the last time at the same day. couple of months later she contacted him saying she is pregnant with his child. he asked if she was sure and she said the baby is X weeks old and she hasn't been with anyone else. so then he was like shit i have to marry this gal and be a father. now i dunno if he already proposed to her or not at this point but his aunt said she wanted the baby tested (dna) after hearing the news (she is rich and always skeptical when it comes to money). the pregnant girl refused at the start but was then convinced to taking it. well it turns out the baby was not his, the age of the baby inside of her was right, it was conceived the day the friend banged her and he confessed to doing it raw. but after they had sex she went out and found a guy to have sex with and creamed inside her so she can fall pregnant. this is why I always told my brothers to be careful all the time.

[@joshb8976]

That laugh. Every time.

[@niteshademusic5262]

if you sign birth certificate gotta pay support for 18+ years even if a paternity test later shows other wise. men get no custody with out the woman signing off on a custody agreement. but u know women dont have equal rites...they have way more!

[@iTsStEpHyyyy]

bill giving Britney her props?...I like it!

[@BeeBumper]

If that's not abuse, nothing is anymore. "Honey we're both white, why is our child caramel?"

[@redfather5342]

Angel Gd because I got pregnant by another man that's why haha you are so stupid

[@helpivebeenkidnapped6195]

@@redfather5342 That's what he was pointing out, you obtuse fool

[@redfather5342]

@@helpivebeenkidnapped6195 I was being sarcastic

[@dreddlockz8364]

Sure you were

[@aaroncalgary]

Never, never get married. Bad deal.

[@johnhanselman6371]

Elect Bill Burr for President

[@shrapnel77]

+John Hanselman Never happen - makes too much sense.

[@TheNewRobin30]

The world would never be the same...

[@morningcoffeeOW]

Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger But she ain't messin' with no Who she ain't messin' with?

[@MetalBacon64]

"Tryin to see if you get it all the way closed." LMAO!

[@GuyOnTheInternet53]

"foreign spackle between the gams"

[@frarfarf]

'foreign spackle between the gams' fuckin hell Bill cracks me up

[@HadesHatredEdge]

HAHAHAH You think they have a heart. Who comes up with all the romantic stuff? The men. Women just love all the attention.

[@brendendielman3150]

I sat here with a pair of pliers using it like a puppet while bill talked . Is this really what my life has become?

[@ItsMattLeigh]

"Ladies can be a steaming pile of cunt." I love you Bill.

[@CAPSrule8888]

Foreign spackle.... Bill you're a fucking genius

[@heyitsnasira]

Josh Shriver between the gambs 🤣

[@RICKYMDOGG]

You gotta be shittin' me labs

[@HubbaBubba768]

I'm going to patent "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me Labs"

[@Jiu-JitsuJourney257]

Fucking nightmare scenario. Seriously.. I can't imagine my kid not being mine. Fuck that. The level of hurt is unimaginable

[@dylankane9709]

“She’s pimpin these guys” lmaoooo.

[@a.fee-oh1328]

Women have the nerve and gaw to kiss their husband's when they get home from their job, busting his butt all day to provide for her. Meanwhile the stay at home wife just said bye to "Chad" after doing a job for him.

[@HendersonHinchfinch]

Bill sounds honestly mad in this one lol. Him and Nia must have gotten into a fight lol

[@leo00o83]

"You Gotta Be Shittin' Me Labs" Inc haha

[@gunkanjima3408]

If I found out my kids weren’t mine you’d hear about a murder suicide on the news. The real dad and me 😂

[@HimFinancial]

Women are organized, and guys are not. So fucking true hahaha.

[@badazzmaro]

probably has been that way from the start, while men were busy building and carrying exploring fighting etc etc, women have spent all those centuries back home in caves, and since the day is long, and there was nothing but nature and other women around they found themselves in need of activity. and women have such a multidimensional sexuality and the way their menstruation/reproductive cycles naturally sync via pheromones, and the fact that women who aren't even bi can kiss another woman comfortably, and while being turned on necessarily, they do enjoy sharing this affection with their friend, as any two close friends would enjoy a hug. I fact I have started to believe that in general, that women are still wired this way and have only been convinced through social stigma that they don't want the man to be "unfaithful" by having eyes for another woman . truth is whether they know it or have it repressed, the more women he has piling on him, the more they want their turn. I don't even think most women are heartbroken when cheated on, because the idea of their guy with other women makes her see him as higher and higher value. so the whole idea in western culture that women want a man to be faithful, its complete bullshit. they don't seem to mind as long as they aren't left out.

[@badazzmaro]

oops ignore that tended to ramble there

[@amrey3628]

This is a horrific story. We both need to really examine how we treat each other in our relationships because this is the type of story that ends with somebody getting killed behind their actions.

[@thecurse23]

Bill Burr, the only comedian that isn't afraid of women.

[@redfather5342]

No one is afraid of women people are afraid of the law

[@Daniel_B79]

You hating women is why I listen to you.

[@bradnful]

"Genius of a cunt" Fucking priceless!

[@D3mi4n]

I'm tired of talking about "Men" or "Woman" as absolutes. That's the problem.

[@horsemania2667]

I feel sorry for the poor child, what a mess the adults have made of this. I can understand this man's perspective, his ex wife is an abomination.

[@InAVanByTheRivr]

If there is a god, this guy is going straight to heaven. Lol he probably deserves his own elevator on the way their too.

[@thedavecorp]

Haaaa!

[@elliesings9508]

Omg!! He said"...slapping the shit out of women. Sticking their head in the glove box and seeing if you can get it all the way closed". 😂😂😂

[@xenajaxon]

Even if they have a one-night stand they still gotta have a tee-shirt. hahahahah

[@jessicaandtrains7768]

I think the term Bill's looking for is psychopath 😉

[@rachellandherr5262]

The federal government matches around 60% of child support payments to the state, so it’s in the state’s interest to collect as much child support as possible.

[@sfincione2000]

Smimmy, shimmy yah! Shimmy yea, shimmy ye-hey.... oh baby we like it raw! =)

[@freakingabagool3510]

I have a friend in a similar situation albeit his child is young and I told him before anything else he needs to get a DNA test because if you don’t have to get stuck raising some other shitbag’s kid and dealing with a crazy bitch then don’t. It’s financially a setback but really not a big one compared to 18+ years raising a kid that ain’t yours

[@igotgame816]

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me Labs"...LMAO

[@Dinah4life]

You are correct. In most states once you begin paying child support, even if they forcibly garnish it from your wages, the law sees that as you accepting parental responsibility for that child regardless of paternity. There is a very small window after birth that paternity tests actually mean anything legally. Once you have began providing for the kid through child support or raising it as yours only the bio father suing you for custody can stop you from being legally accountable for that child.

[@rushpittsburgh4]

Who the hell decided that?

[@TV-Tony]

They should actually have a DNA lab called You Gotta Be Shittin Me Labs for cases like this.

[@ViewsFromTheDeathStar]

Foreign spackle between the gams 😆

[@OneEyedJackNLD]

4:44 ‘You gotta be shittin’ me labs’ 😂😂😂

[@omgwtfbbqstfu]

lol, reminds me of the chris rock bit, men lie about a lot of things, but womens lies really take the cake... what lie beats "its your baby"?

[@timbarry5080]

"Foreign spakle" lol

[@innerpeace6014]

Wanna turn things around ? - don't get married and - I you choose to have kids, have a paternity test at birth before putting your name on a birth certificate

[@jeffmiller3499]

"you gotta be shittin me labs"

[@tarico4436]

It is rare, but every now and again a comment will entice, fulfill, tease and satisfy me enough that it outweighs its author's punctuation/spelling errors. Usually, though, I move on after spying their first misspelling of definitely/definately. Lose/loose doesn't seem to bother me. I think fail/failed is changing; they are becoming synonymous of each other.

[@Daniel_B79]

We need to band together and fix this broken system. For too long women have gotten away with injustices and I for one WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

[@SuperBartles]

This misogynist label is bollocks. I love women, and need them in my life. But their behaviour can sometimes be absolutely disgusting. If a woman cheats or lies, it's not misogynist to call a spade a spade and say so. It's very convenient for feminists if women can't be criticised. So if a man criticises a single woman, or a type of behaviour that many women display, they accuse him of hating all women.

[@72torinohoeffner16]

Right there with ya Bill.....difference is....you get paid for your stories....but I still enjoy making my friends laugh....but it can be dark, not for everyone...but it's real shit!!!!

[@ls033189]

@gheberf558 So damn true! I tell every guy I know that's about to have a kid to get a paternity test. Sure your woman might get offended, but this shit happens far more often than people realize. If a woman can expect enough trust on the mans part to marry her, than she shouldn't have a problem with you wanting to make sure you're not about to make a life long commitment to raising a child that's not yours!

[@leerobinson1952]

This made me think of the Buddhist story..this man is told he is the father to the baby boy eve though he didn't sleep with her and the whole village is outraged because she is married, he says is that so.she leaves the baby with him and disappears so he raises the baby properly and with love and care as his own.she appears years later and says mistake he's not yours and I want him back.he says is that so and hands the baby back.the beautiful thing about this story is that you take the right virtuous and correct action detached from emotion.whenever I hear about men that do that and all us men that get a raw deal and keep on silently going out and trying to lead by example it's such a powerful spiritual act that truly humbles because to keep your calm and do what is right even when what's around you is wrong takes maturity and wisdom

[@LaylaSpellwind]

This title was really clickbait... till I realised it was 2012 and it wasn't Bill talking about his kid. Hahaha!

[@mixmastermeeks]

That is possible but you still shouldn't official claim a child that isn't yours. A friend of mine found out that his youngest child is not his. He was thinking of adopting him under the rational that he loves the kid and considers him his own. Doesn't matter. You don't need to legal claim the kid to consider him your own. If she had a child with another man behind your back then she will have no problem taking you to the cleaners for doing "the right thing".

[@mixmastermeeks]

Yep. The moral to this story is that if you are a guy the last thing you should do is what you think is "right". You may think it is the "right" thing to do to pay child support but it isn't. You can official not claim the girl and still give the mom money if you would like.

[@kingkong8974]

What about when the state sides with the mother on custody battle when the father wants the kid has a stable life with an income and the mother is a deadbeat that won't fucking work?

[@lucky44124]

Kevin actually helped her when she was wasted on drugs! He could have taken both kids when she was fucking gone and gotten a TON more money! Plus he actually helped her get clean

[@taffysaur]

oh, you're right. no legal or even ethical obligation, i don't think. he's just a decent guy who loved the little girl, is all. the girl did nothing wrong, it was her mother.

[@trumpetmano]

"ya gotta be shittin' me Labs"....Fucking awesome

[@badbadmanly903]

I was a child support enforcement supervisor in Virginia for two years. If your wife has a child, the man has presumed paternity. Sucks for guys who have been separated from their wives, haven’t seen them for years, and have an order issued against them. They can petition the court for a dna test, which they pay for if it comes back that they are the father.

[@stinkysocksstudios]

1:38, “this isn’t for you”. Probably got more attention from women than any feminine advertising in history.

[@edonumoiv8978]

I thought this story was going to be about Maury, but close enough.

[@taffysaur]

but he had still raised her. he still considered her 'his' daughter, he's not going to abandon the kid because her mother lied.

[@JeffersonDinedAlone]

"you're complaining about", not "your complaning of", English Professor. Don't even think about it; I am the king.

[@strike-pw571]

Commas go inside the quotations, english professor.

[@BeeBumper]

Plot twist, does the guy that got her pregnant KNOW he is the father, I say he doesn't.

[@sev6379]

Too late now to start a Go Fund Me for the best lawyer he can find and let her biological parents take care of her.

[@_gongster2835]

Even if she has a ONS, she still needs to get a tshirt

[@acdcfan6]

The thing is even if he renounced the child the court would probably still make him pay child support.

[@thecurse23]

I strongly recommend supporting him buy getting a copy of his new stand up on his website. only $5.

[@mattdickey2717]

“You gotta be shittin’ me labs” should be a real business for dna testing

[@jamesbright2403]

this killed billy lol...............................................................stay black

[@mikemiller5637]

Guys take the fall on t.v. because audiences have an easier time of forgiving men for transgressions.

[@LocustWarrior]

If only people would realize that the bullshit goes both ways...lol

[@EcheChanga]

bring balance to the force bill.....bring balance to the forcee......

[@mikeallen1978]

wow thats some of the worst spelling and grammar I've seen in a while

[@farhanj123]

Bill Burr is the best spokesperson for men out there.....you have my vote sir!

[@riffrocker7401]

Think this is bad you should hear my storieS

[@JeffersonDinedAlone]

Only when initially being said. Not when quoting someone else.

[@rjfink]

^ This. They can NEVER take responsibility for ANYTHING.

[@Danosauruscrecks]

All these years later, and nothings changed

[@jbh2385]

"FOREIGN SPACKLE BETWEEN THE FUCKIN GAMS!!!" LMAO!!!!!

[@winkles2314]

*tapdance *jazzhands FEMINISM!!!!!

[@teresapoudrier494]

We all guessed William. A hunch.

[@pimpjuice811]

dude I damn near choked on my food when I heard that....lol

[@doesitreallymatternope9641]

Holy shit am I the third husband lol.