Blythe Baird - Relapse

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Blythe Baird, performing at Camp Bar in Saint Paul, MN.
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[@henriklindberg3485]

"I don't want to go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual"

[@Saint.questions]

BOOM!

[@Thejesusfreek316]

Holy shit yes

[@madimorelli5955]

The scary part is that for a moment, I was disappointed when she didn't give more of those tips.

[@franceswhite0813]

Madi Morelli me too...

[@kaitlynlane9143]

Madi Morelli Same

[@chrisayala4862]

"Every time you asked if I was full, I heard you say fat" - damn one of the most resonating statements ever

[@Aquamoon18]

Chris Ayala You're lulu's cousin lol.

[@chrisayala4862]

Alpaca not cousin :) but best friend lol (were not related)

[@Aquamoon18]

Chris Ayala oh sorry, I love you guy's videos, super funny.

[@crazybakri3047]

"I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it" it's a great struggle wanting to talk about something yet holding back because you never know how someone might perceive it

[@Saint.questions]

BOOM!!

[@ailiabuckley9131]

Crazy Bakri Wow

[@romarkhrslly5378]

Crazy Bakri I'm on that part when I came across your comment.

[@isobelsmith2810]

Crazy Bakri she said "i don't want to go into anymore detail in case you mistake this poem for an instruction manual" and suddenly I realized I had been noting everything down for later and I cried.

[@lee-lee1020]

sushigirl 260 it's going to be ok, if you want you can always talk to me, snapchat: layla_lee3, please, if you can't get help talk to someone. Trust me, talking to a stranger helps a lot, it will be ok.

[@lifeasjulesxo]

"Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home, and I'm still trying to remember that."

[@nicolemyah_]

lifeasjulesxo can u explain this line to me?

[@mathy2470]

myahnicole when people do not want to live anymore, they compare suicide to "going home". here she is saying that death and home are not synonymous like they used to be

[@nicoleheggie4236]

I read this as she said this

[@thinspo9600]

i can't even begin to explain how true this is. i struggle with suicidal thoughts and whenever it gets really bad and i truly do just want it to all end, i associate it with wanting to go home, to a home that has never existed and never will. it hurts knowing that there is nothing to go to, but i still long for that comfort and solitude.

[@sbnnatan]

Deepest part of the poem

[@ellabiddy4741]

The part about it being an instruction manual is so real. I've gotten so much information on how to have an eating disorder when the purpose was to prevent them.

[@lucole4778]

It's fucked. The earliest parts of an eating disorder forming can be in obesity, and I want help for my obesity but I fear that the encouragement of counting calories for the sake of my health will be eventually used by me against me.

[@tvenkatesh217]

I fell the closest to an actual eating disorder when I was writing a research paper on it. The more I learned half of me went "wow this is awful stay AWAY" and the other half went "hm Interesting rip to everyone else but I'm different"

[@3friendsandsomedolls644]

AYLIN KOHAN not these people but I’m worst

[@3friendsandsomedolls644]

AYLIN KOHAN thankyou so much for that

[@-vanny-5445]

"body forgive me" Blythe is talented and this poem is real

[@deadlybeautythewonders7453]

Ivanna G.M. first time I heard that line, my body shivered

[@chiafairy7091]

deadly beauty, the wonders mine did too... I'm going to say that morr often...

[@chiafairy7091]

deadly beauty, the wonders try saying it... It made me tear up immediately..

[@ellendaniels8715]

Literally started using that sentence as an affirmation

[@lauradominguez2387]

"Sometimes I miss being sick; The grimiest part of me wishes I had stayed in that familiar city of gray and mental illness and whatever the opposite of healing is. Where there was nothing to laugh about, but plenty to write about. I've considered myself to be recovered from my eating disorder for three years, but I still write about it in present tense. I also still keep all of my ex's in my contact list. And for once, I don't want to write about this. For the first time I am embarassed, instead of proud of all of the mad things I've done for happiness. When a friend at dinner makes a casual comment on calories, the scoreboard in my head illuminates with numbers again. Once, I cut a ribbon the size I wanted to be and wore it around my waist like a bracelet. Bathroom scales make me feel nostalgic, like a scrapbook I flip through, snapshots of my sickness, the suppers of tobacco smoke and red lipstick, how I used to pack my lunchbox with floss and teeth-whitening strips. Last night, I painted my nails when I was hungry; I can't eat until the polish is dry. I don't want to go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual?. I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it. When recovery is not all yoga mats and tea and avocados, it is work... It is reminding myself that sucking on ice cubes does not count as dinner. Body, forgive me. It is not healthy to drink so much water that your body becomes a bathtub, your organs floating like loofahs. Body, forgive me. Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles and sometimes I just can't, body, forgive me. Recovery is hard work. Not wanting to die is hard work. Every time you asked if I was full I heard you say "fat" but I am trying so hard not to do that. But I cannot unmemorize the calories of a peppermint. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home, and I am still trying to remember that."

[@rebeccamcintyre3600]

Healing not feeling

[@tophermkr2159]

Laura Domínguez Thank you! I needed this for a program😊

[@cadencedrew5457]

Thank you

[@katiko1383]

Thank you🙏

[@Aquamoon18]

I don't understand the ribbon part

[@fashionlurveable]

I just realized she is the same poet who wrote "When the fat girl gets skinny" I am so glad she is doing better

[@emmagl1075]

"I don't wan to go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual" beautiful

[@katarinabaird2856]

I had to legally change my name whilst running from a predator and now my last name is Baird because I saw you and thought powerful woman x

[@BlytheB]

Katarina Baird I love you. ❤️

[@fervidfountain]

Much love

[@rikki2891]

this needs more attentionnnn

[@dollxx995]

That’s sad I’m sorry

[@unnatihirwani5921]

i hope that you are safe now.

[@jessicamcdaniels7434]

Sometimes, I miss being sick. The grimiest part of me wishes I stayed in that familiar city of grey and mental illness and whatever the opposite of healing is, where there was nothing to laugh about but plenty to write about. I have considered myself to be recovered from my eating disorder for three years, but I still write about it in present tense. I also still keep all of my ex's in my contact list. But for once, I don’t want to write about this. For the first time, I am embarrassed instead of proud of all the mad things I have done for happiness. When a friend at dinner makes a casual comment on calories, the scoreboard in my head illuminates with numbers again. Once, I cut a ribbon the size I wanted to be and wore it around my waist like a bracelet. Bathroom scales make me feel nostalgic. Like a scrapbook, I flip through snapshots of my sickness; the suppers of tobacco smoke and red lipstick. How I used to pack my lunch box with floss and teeth whitening strips. Last night, I painted my nails when I was hungry. I can’t eat until the polish is dry. I don’t want to go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual. I don’t know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it. When recovery is not all yoga mats, tea & avacados, it is work. It is reminding myself that sucking on ice cubes does not count as dinner, body forgive me. It is not healthy to drink so much water that your body becomes a bathtub, your organs floating like loofas, body forgive me. Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles & sometimes I just can't, body forgive me. Recovery is hard work, not wanting to die is hard work. Everytime you asked if I was full, I heard you say fat but I am trying so hard not to do that. But I cannot unmemorize the calories of a peppermint. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home & I'm still trying to remember that.

[@lovepreetsmagh5430]

I saw "Blythe Baird" in the title and clicked immediately

[@sienarose5483]

Lovepreet Smagh same

[@michiezaya]

same

[@esmeb3e]

Lovepreet Smagh me too, I love Blythe

[@yasminchoudhury2537]

Lovepreet Smagh Me too

[@katiegabriella2564]

Lovepreet Smagh hetgg

[@moongirl-7584]

“Wanting to die is not that same as wanting to come home”. That always hit me man. She’s a genius

[@Idasmurf]

"Body forgive me" makes me shiver every time

[@ButtonPoetry]

So many folks here early! Love the passion for a new poem. If you want to help us keep broadcasting (and get accurate captions on all videos to increase accessibility!!!) please consider subscribing on Patreon: bit.ly/buttonpatreon

[@jupiter6628]

Button Poetry you can enable audience captions! users will submit the captions free of charge in a multitude of languages

[@dinthokay4457]

"I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidently inviting you to follow me down it." wow.

[@michelleschultze4641]

I think Blythe is my favorite slam poet, simply because I can resonate with her words, even if I can't relate.

[@Freegreenwanderer]

Interesting how you put that...I get that with some poets too! You might relate or resonate with some of my spoken word..check it out and let me know what you think :)

[@chloewalker2459]

"not wanting to die is hard work"

[@monicac5678]

"mental illness, whatever the opposite of healing is, where there was nothing to laugh about, but plenty to write about... i still write about it in present tense." What a truthful and brutally honest piece. Absolutely loved it, felt it way to close to my heart.

[@hollyx6371]

I'm sat here watching this again, and I love it just as much as before. "Recovery is hard work. Not wanting to die is hard work." This could not be more true!

[@ButtonPoetry]

@Holly X Thanks so much for highlighting that. It is such hard work and it is so important to remember that.

And she did it again. As someone who just got out of recocery after a quite serious relapse (after being "healthy" for three years) I can relate to this so much. Her words are art.

[@linnycrocus6023]

I love how quiet and conversational this poem is. I find the silence the most powerful.

[@tiedyedowl8367]

Sometimes I miss my grey zone too-I had a different disorder but still a grey zone. Loved that line, "Not wanting to die is hard work."

[@jenniferdereby6931]

Body forgive me. She gives me chills with every poem!

[@asias3000]

I resonate with this so much. love her

[@lexieluv4145]

"But I cannot unmemorize the calories of a peppermint. " me: *under my breath* 25 :-(

[@zoya5282]

her poems always make me cry😭

[@itsmikki44]

the not wanting it to be an instruction manual hits so hard for me. i have this burning desire to fully explain everything i used to do, just wanting to make people understand. but i’m too scared to give anyone ideas. i wouldn’t wish an eating disorder on anyone honestly

[@rachaelosborn113]

I love Blythe so much oh my goodness

[@artemishawke7432]

The poem itself is absolutely brilliant, but her delivery completely sold it for me. The way she sounds and looks so defeated and beaten down, it truly resonates how hard it is to recover. Thank you so much for this, for always reminding us we are not alone

[@brookewinter1033]

I want to send this poem to everyone that's ever asked about my former eating disorder. This poem is absolutely breathtaking.

[@kl_auth]

"Not all yoga mats, tea, and avocados..." Christ yes thank you!

[@strawbrrycrybaby]

“last night i painted my nails when i was hungry; i can’t eat until the polish is dry” that line hit me like a train

[@rwinklegill7707]

the part about trying to ignore subtitles!! gosh she is amazing. I love you

[@beaw9166]

It's frustrating when she knows that you're here for Ana advice... thank you, you know I was looking for an instruction manual.

[@pascal5285]

Bea W i hope you’ve found recovery!! and if you haven’t, i hope you’re heading in that direction. 💖

[@StarFire001]

Yo, same

[@ch5635]

I have never been diagnosed with anorexia but I have battled the thoughts for several years on and off. Every time it comes back it's a little more intense than before. It's back now and the grimiest part of me wants to sink into the rabbit hole so maybe, finally, there will be physical evidence that I am not okay and someone might notice.

[@clairedavis8922]

I love her. She was the first slam poet I ever heard and I relate to her so much. I love this poem

[@amandavaldes4087]

I BLINKED AND NOW IM HERE. IVE NEVER CLICKED SOMEONE SO QUICK.❤❤

[@allisonmcneill707]

All rights to Blythe Baird "Relapse" Sometimes I miss being sick The grimiest part of me wishes I had stayed in that familiar city of gray And mental illness and whatever the opposite of healing is Where there was nothing to laugh about but plenty to write about I’ve considered myself to be recovered from my eating disorder for three years But I still write about it in present tense I also still keep all of my exes in my contact list And for once I don’t want to write about this For the first time I am embarrassed instead of proud of all of the mad things that I have done for happiness When a friend at dinner makes a casual comment on calories The scoreboard in my head illuminates with numbers again Once I cut a ribbon the size I wanted to be and wore it around my waist like a bracelet Bathroom scales make me feel nostalgic Like a scrapbook I flip through snapshots of my sickness The suppers of tobacco smoke and red lipstick How I used to pack my lunch box with floss and teeth whitening strips Last night I painted my nails when I was hungry I can’t eat until the polish is dry I don’t wanna go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual I don’t know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it When recovery is not all yoga mats and tea and avocados, it is work It is reminding myself that sucking on ice cubes does not count as dinner Body forgive me It is not healthy to drink so much water that your body becomes a bathtub your organs float in like loofahs Body forgive me Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles And sometimes I just can’t Body forgive me Recovery is hard work Not wanting to die is hard work Every time you asked if I was full I heard you say fat But I’m trying so hard not to do that But I cannot un-memorize the calories of a peppermint Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home And I’m still trying to remember that

[@natalievarghese7799]

I don't know if it's me, but she sounds so defeated in this poem. I think that adds so much to the meaning.

[@arianataylor7998]

Probably a hundred of these views are from me. I've been struggling against an eating disorder for quite some time now and every time I feel like I'm losing I watch this. This is so powerful and I just think that Blythe should know how much of an impact she has.

[@marbear221]

"when recovery is not all yoga mats and tea and avocados, it is work" i found that a couple years back when i was fighting for recovery and i have it hanging on my wall, it helped me so much i can't believe i just found the source

[@miriambasheer4511]

The way she reads is really compelling. I really like her work

[@soontherewillbesnow]

i've been dealing with bulimia since what feels like forever and every time I feel the thoughts coming back I listen to this I'm still trying to deal with my disorder but at least this exists to keep me grounded enough to not end up with an IV drip.

[@madisonezell8721]

the absolute emotion in her voice- her words and pauses- is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

[@Beefra1]

one of the most important poems I've ever heard.

[@lala_fit1446]

PLEASE don't stop writing about your story and experience, because YOU are an inspiration

[@amayalobato]

I've always loved her poems.

[@bunnysux9613]

I've been in and out of recovery for 2 years, and every single time I need to just sit down and feel the bad stuff and let it go, her words always help me get through it. Thank you for being you Blythe 🖤

[@hollyx6371]

Holy crap, this hit every one of my emotions, memories and everything in between. Relatable isn’t a strong enough word to describe this, how I felt watching this was almost like looking into a mirror. You’ve somehow managed to put years of my thoughts, experiences and emotions into a passage, now that is a talent.

[@erinf3992]

"Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to go home...and I'm still trying to remember that"...I find that especially true with my struggle with depression as well.

[@BornAScout]

Every time I hear one of her poems, I have to sit quietly for a few minutes. They are just that powerful.

[@toriflores5918]

“body forgive me” - this is so powerful and it made my heart hurt. I felt her pain through her words and I know many others did as well. So beautiful. I am speechless.

[@RabbitCoven]

ive been struggling with my ed since i was 17, blythe bairds poetry helped me overcome it when i was at my worst and here i am again revisiting these in a desperate attempt to feel ok!! she touches my soul

[@Emmaaaaisawesome]

This is a masterpiece I come back to this video everyday

[@minyoongistan6769]

her tone and emotion is amazing

[@yellanovella8019]

"recovery is hard work,not wanting to die is hard work" - both feel impossible to me

[@anthonybourdainsuperfan1241]

every single one of Blythe's poems are absolutely incredible. This one really hit home.

[@zhoonya]

blythes poems always hit me so so hard i love her

[@iLOVEpicklesBRO28]

I feel this so, so much. Wow.

[@faithproudman2284]

Her voice when she says "body forgive me" it hits me really hard. Having an ED is one of the hardest things someone can go through. This poem really hit home for me.

[@rubyhanna3177]

Every poem is a masterpiece and something I connect with on so many levels. Its amazing when you can see yourself in words

[@his-fallenangel3083]

"I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidnetly inviting you to follow me down it. " Chills I got chills.

[@rwinklegill7707]

one of my favourite poets ever!

[@kileydevico4718]

blythe always amazes me and every time I watch these types of her poemsI cant help but to be on the verge of tears

[@kennediback5729]

HER VOICE GIVES ME CHILLS

[@holdencaulfield8933]

I love how this poem was performed.

[@smlybratbit]

I have watched this about 10 times tonight. Blythe is amazing

[@gabrielaalicia2857]

Her poetry literally brings me to tears.

[@lauramonaghan1316]

This poem is so poignant and powerful. Truly, a strong and informative piece of poetry 🙌🏼

[@karolineboegh500]

Thank you so much for this and especially the ''body forgive me'' part. It's difficult to remember how much you ruin your body sometimes. I really needed to hear this

[@sawyer4448]

Blythe is one of my favorites every poem is so meaningful to me please keep making them

[@shnugglebugs5524]

“Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home” bro :(

[@ButtonPoetry]

What a line =(

[@chanaweiss3097]

amazing. you are amazing. thank you for sharing your experience. this makes a huge impact on people struggling behind closed doors, in the closet of 'recovered'

[@meatcarcass]

another beautiful poem from my all-time favorite poet. heard this on button poetry live first and fell in love with it. you never disappoint blythe xx

[@beccawilliams1062]

this poem is absolutely incredible

[@4amcuriosity162]

i relate to this so much.. im so thankful she made this poem.....i can feel every word she speaks..shes been through it. i know because the same wavelngth resonates within me. it strikes me when i watch this video. relapsing is like a 2nd job. you go to work. come home and deal with yourself as the 2nd one. and it feels like you're working 2 jobs at once because you never stop stressing.

[@Imbamorial]

Fantastic,I'm in tears. Thank you!

[@cassie6793]

I love her poems so much

[@tessw5304]

"nothing to laugh about but plenty to write about" wow definitely can relate to that

[@Missionary247]

I love this so much. So real for me. Beautifully said.

[@yalen3054]

I love her so much i wish buttonpoetry came to Puerto Rico

[@mailugg254]

her voice is so soothing and this poem is so unique

[@fontenelle6262]

Blythe is absolutely brillant, her poems are just so beautiful I admire her so much

[@jamieray492]

This is a masterpiece and this is so inspirational to keep moving forward.

[@jessicagibson6011]

I love her poetry so much

[@emilyklein7260]

I watch this video at least twice a day and I love it so much

[@ch5635]

I remember the first time I watched this, and how taken aback I was by the refusal to explain more because she didn't want it to be an instruction manual - because it made me realize that part of me was internalizing it as one. I think I've gone down the rabbit hole a little since then. I try my damnedest to listen to the other parts of this every time I catch myself. Forever grateful she's shared her words with us.

[@sammynsane]

Blythe is absolutely one of my favorite authors here

[@juliakapusta7622]

So much talent, I'm so happy she's getting healthier

[@zebrasforlunch]

I literally stopped watching my favorite KZbinr just so I could watch this because Blythes poems are so powerful.

[@cortneyott7469]

For someone currently struggling to place the right words on my feelings, you nailed it right on the head. I have been feeling this way for a very long time and I wish I could talk to someone who understood me, who knew what it was like, who could find my words for me. Thank you for being my voice.

[@asia6ixx]

love hearing her work

[@mikaelapiasecki9297]

Just about screamed when I saw it was Blythe! Love this poem! Absolutely relatable!

[@inevergetenoughsleep7994]

"But I can't unmemorize the calories of a peppermint" This entire poem is beautiful, but that hit me hardest. I'm trying so hard to recover, but my "caloric scoreboard" is still there. I know it will always be, but can't it just stop working already?

[@massages_for_world_peace8909]

The scoreboard goes away... give it time. It can take years, but it does go away! I'm about 10 years out and I have a vague idea of calories of maybe 2 fruits I used to eat a lot, and the rest of foods I have no idea anymore. A couple tricks I did - if I saw a banana, I'd say out loud 80, 2, 986, 47, 30, 15, etc. over the year(s) I got confused what the real number was. Another thing was to prevent myself from tallying. If I ate something that was a certain number of calories, I intentionally ignored the automatic adding to what all else I ate that day and instead focused on nutrition. So, maybe I looked up what vitamins and nutrients are in this food and as I ate it I said mmm, good job I'm getting zinc right now. Or if it was a dessert, I think to myself: this is good for me - I'm getting great energy right now, and mood boost, and allowing more pleasure into my day. Anyway, good luck on your journey, I hope it all works out and don't give up, I relapsed a lot, but eventually the streaks between relapses got longer and longer until that became my new normal.

[@andreaaa2642]

this is the actual description of my everyday life. God bless. xx

[@amandavaldes4087]

I love this poem so much. ❤❤❤

[@alyasmissy2169]

I love her slam poetry so much ! ♥️

[@stillkind7154]

As of right now, this is my favorite poem by her.💚

[@bethanygilbert3319]

She is my everything. I love her with all of my heart