BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IN PARENTS: CPTSD & EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS

[@lem8081]

I had no choice but to go no contact with my untreated BPD mother. She's never taken any accountabily for any of the damage she's done to our family. She still harasses my sister on a daily basis to try and get a hold on me. It's awful. It feels like I'll never ever be free of her. The trauma is never-ending.

[@Nelly-cz3xc]

if possible find compassion-Imagine the suffering in her brain. I think its good to keep the boundary and always feel safe. I deeply forgave my Mother and set us both free.. I can love her and have grace for the mind that was driving her to experience pain and she never learned to heal.

[@jenbloom6848]

Same. It’s like choosing to go no-contact is the lesser hell.

[@janethompson5153]

My father was a pedophile, and my mother was emotionally detached. CPTSD was diagnosed at 35. Now, in my 50s, I'm still dealing with it. But I have a loving family, and consider myself lucky. Very lucky

[@jamesmccarthy8574]

I think your story is a great way to explain to the listener that their story is being explained to them, this is so common and we all hold trauma in some form and how we deal with that suppressed trauma. we also grow up accepting the behaviors that hurt us and keep them with the suppressed trauma which leads to us repeating the poor behaviours. Breathing, recouping, and informing yourself about your behavior are solutions to your recovery i believe but also challenging yourself if you can to do the things you know you can do but have been led to believe you are not capable or worthy of doing we have to break those chains of childhood, one thing that keeps me going is admitting i love myself find a reason to love yourself and break those chains. good luck to all

[@jenbloom6848]

The borderline personality description fits my mom. Not agreeing with her or going outside the facade would set off her rage. She would weaponize our personal growth or achievements. So I think there is narcissistic personality disorder at play as well.

[@dieresis9]

For a long time I did not listen to my body. Tired? Ignore it, keep working. The long term effect of having a parent in your face, or over sharing with you or ignoring you is that you learn, at the gut level, that you and your needs don’t matter, that you are somehow defective - not like others, and that nothing is likely to change no matter how hard you try or wish otherwise. These feelings pop up like fire works depending on the situation you find yourself in. I try now to intercept them and remind myself, no that’s not true. Over time their frequency and power lessens. It’s slow going, but as we know from Aesop, turtles ultimately win the race. 😊

[@nicod2213]

Ooh I love this, especially the turtle part

[@chrislevy7839]

The stress response was activated. The unconscious mind sent you its coping mechanism that worked before. I get triggered over shame - and I find myself literally pouting and feeling like I'm 3

[@shellycottrell433]

I’m still in relationship with my mum. She seems to be wanting me to parent her and even talks like a baby on the phone. She has no one else it would seem ?! I tell her straight I don’t want to talk every day and at times I just ignore her calls and txt as she is very triggering still. I wish she would get the message that I just need my space it’s so hard. If I cut her off it would brake her heart and probably kill her to be honest.

[@mandarinadreux9572]

I'm not in your situstion but this sounds like a nightmare. I don't know your mum, I can just relate if I think about an ex bf of mine. I believed if I left, he'd kill himself. I left him, and he lived. I think, this fear might just be a mindgame of your mum to keep you engaged. You're not her caretaker. ,ou deserve your own life. She managed fine before you, too.

[@shoshanaa4297]

Wow this was very validating as I can relate in many ways!! just hard because no matter how much work and therapy we do we still get this deep lonely feeling of never having a normal healthy childhood. Or parent to look up-to . Day to day struggle

[@Patrice11300]

This was totally helpful. Since I’m in the clean up phase, like the calm after a terrible storm, I’m using all this great info and tips to work on my self and reactions to triggers you just described. My mom passed 9 years ago but just recently was clued into her behavior being undiagnosed BPD. You have such a great way of explaining this difficult topic even with your own struggles with it.

[@honorburza9110]

Speaking of taking on other people’s moods, when my close friend was widowed this made me feel her grief as though it was my own, it was all consuming.

[@antheredhen]

Wow he sounds kind of like my dad.. My mom wasn't allowed to wear makeup for years or cut her hair. When she got older and braver that's when the trouble started she ignored him and did it anyway... Noise is huge for me. I can't handle it.. I'm stuck living in Florida with neighbors on top of me. I can hear dogs barking constantly or lawn mowers always racket and more racket, my narc husband never shuts up, he litteraly can talk for hours with zero input from me. I hit menopause but my adrenals are shot so I'm utterly miserable with no escape it seems...

[@kavitadeva]

Dr Kim. I left a comment just now on your video 15 signs of C-PTSD. It is I believe about 5 months old. I found you tonight. And am blessed to do so. I am now 65 have Meltdowns, cant regulate my emotions, and am now Chronically ill and mostly bed-bound and disabled. I live in Pain all day. I have a Psychiatric Service Dog who is my only friend. You truly validated my life. Thank You. Will you please read the comment I left you. I have no idea how I can handle much more.

[@taningconner479]

All of us here understand how you feel. You are not alone. Praying for your complete physical, mental and emotional healing. ❤

[@kavitadeva]

@@taningconner479 thank you so so much for the reply you left. Bless you for doing that for me.

[@artanddesignstudios]

How are you doing? I am in a similar position at 45. Hope you have found the support you need and are well. It's difficult navigating on our own but I managed for many years and took care of many others. Becoming disabled, losing all autonomy, and having to suffer endless neglect and abuse once again as a result has been completely devastating. The worst is not having a support system through it. I have a ton of support from a distance which has kept me going, but not much at all locally or in person.

[@kavitadeva]

@artanddesignstudios hi there Art and Design, what an amazing reply you sent to me. very painful, very poignant and boy am I saying the same words you said to me. It is so difficult. Every morning I wake up suicidal. I know I'm not going to do anything about it because I have a service dog who is the cutest most amazing thing in my life and I live for him. hm's the purpose and the reason I get up but what I want to say is yes to the next part down where you talk about being neglected being abused being traumatized all over again which I don't know if I wrote in my comment but I just got out of a four-month Independent Living Center where it is Christian, very well known in Los Angeles and they abused me so horrific Lee that I have eight open cases of abuse trauma all kinds of things with Adult Protective Services and my nature is to just let it go and move on but not this time oh no way I'm going to be getting a lawyer an elder abuse lawyer why because these people saying that it's all about God and Jesus will you know what there wasn't one drop of Jesus and anybody there and they continued on and on and never stopped, and I finally just had to get out so now I'm living in a rusted molded little motorhome trying to get by and realizing just how hard it is when you're chronically ill have complex PTSD and treatment-resistant depression. I feel you, I feel for you I want you to call me I want you to reach out to me if that's something you want to do I'm all about it okay we just have to figure out how to do it I've done before. We need connection with people WHO GET IT. Sorry for all the bad grammar all the bad punctuation it's just that I'm on right now and I don't want to go back and edit I can't do it it's too much I think you'll understand I am so sorry for how you feel and what you're going through. please reach out again

[@allisonbutler4829]

I’m just feeling so much as I watch. I want to name that I feel deep compassion for your experience- I know that’s not why you do this necessarily, but I do feel for what little (and now adult) you suffered/suffers. Also, thank you for sharing like this. I really would like to do KZbin and seeing you be vulnerable is encouraging. Last, I wanted to ask- when you mention living ppl in your videos, do you ask permission? I’d like to share my experiences, but I’m not sure how to navigate the piece around ppl who might be offended by what is said about them. Ty for offering your perspective!

[@jameswayton2340]

I have autism and i'm quite sure my mother has BPD, but the advice people give me is to not confront the person with possible BPD that they might have BPD. I'm lost and don't know how to talk about this with her. Thanks for this video.

[@johnschmid865]

Brother I would not confront your mother because you won’t get the response that you want (no accountability). My mom has BPD too, I know what you’re dealing with. It’s so difficult having a BPD mom. Shes impossible to talk to and can’t understand how much they hurt us. Best of luck

[@mandarinadreux9572]

I don't know who gave you the advice to confront her, but as someone in thr same boat, I'd say don't confront her. She won't react the way normal people do, instead she'll get mad and turn it around sonin the end you're left feeling like you're the worst human ever to have walked the earth. Instead I'd be super careful, navigating her, make her feel like she is connected to your life but only share meaningless stuff with her. Don't ever give emotional reactions. Just try to be the most boring person ever. This is called 'grey rock' cause you literally try to emulate a rock's level of interest. If she realises she can't get "supply" (caretaking) out of you, she'll look for someone new and leave you alone. I've done this with my mum most of my life before I even knew what this technique was and it allowed me to develop a self alongside the enmeshment, which still happened but I think grey rock left me less damaged overall. Good luck!

[@Coito907]

Thanks so much for talking about this topic. I myself have BPD and listening to you talk about the symptoms I think my parents definitely had some of those so that helps me out a lot. I can relate to the emotional flashback I didn't have a word to put to it so thank you. I appreciate your genuineness and sharing your struggles.❤

[@chilloften]

Yes, this this. It happens to me and hard to decipher the past from the present to self and especially to others.

[@valkyriandreams]

Kim, thank you for sharing your deep thoughts. It's very helpful and i totally understand absolutely everything you say. This is amazing content. ❤

[@whitebirchtarot]

Oh my gosh! My mom sounds so much like your mom. I was her emotional caretaker for her entire life. My older sister left home when I was eight, so I basically raised myself after that. My dad ignored me completely, and then left when I was 10. my mom used to do the same thing where she would do something totally insane, like if she was mad at me she would drive the car 80 miles an hour down a neighborhood street and tell me she was going to drive the car into a telephone pole and kill us and I would have to talk her down. If I would mention it even like a year later, she would deny the whole thing and tell me that I was crazy. She did things like that constantly. She was always furious and dangerous. Except occasionally she could be nice and fun, and that was even more confusing. And I can totally relate to your feeling that you have to fix everything and everyone. That’s exactly the way I feel. And just a couple days ago, I had an episode on the phone with my older sister, who has Alzheimer’s, and she is very stubborn and always has to have the last word, and the Alzheimer’s has made her even worse in that way, so we were talking about something, and she never allows me to have an opinion. I didn’t say anything because I love her and I don’t want to hurt her because she’s ill. I hung up the phone (I thought) and went on a rant, and started yelling and swearing about what we had just talked about. For some reason, my phone didn’t hang up and she was still on the line and she heard the whole thing! I was so ashamed of myself. I feel shame very easily. I just had to bring this up because it’s so similar to you feeling triggered with your conversation with your friend and I now understand why I felt triggered, but at the time I didn’t. I always blame myself for everything. On top of both of my parents, who I think were both narcissistic, I was sexually abused by an uncle, who I believe was a true psychopath. My first major in college was psychology and he fit the criteria. He was scary and mean as well. It has taken me almost my entire life to figure out why I’m such a mess in my relationships and I have blamed myself for everything. My mom passed away when I was 56 and my dad died a couple of years ago(I’m 68) and I loved both of them, although I never really got to know my dad. I love my mom a lot, but I was also terrified of her. I forgive them because apparently they were mentally ill, but I can’t say that I forgive my uncle. I will leave that to God because I don’t know what to do with that situation. They say you forgive people to help yourself, but I’m not sure I can forgive that when it was so premeditated. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you so much for doing these videos. They’re very helpful and they make me feel like I’m not crazy and I’m not a failure. I constantly put myself down for being anxious and having phobias. Honestly, how could I not? Thank you again. I hope everyone watching this can find some peace and healing. 💕💕

[@scmommy4539]

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to a lot of this. You are definitely not alone but, that doesn't make the pain go away (not being alone). Wishing you peace & everyone here as well. 💜

[@shai-shai934]

Omg I’m so sorry. I can relate to this in many ways. Especially the driving at 80 miles an hour. I had a condition of car sickness, motion sickness in general. When she was upset with me in the car she’d use that to her advantage. At the end of the ride I’m left with prolonged motion sickness. I’m sorry you had to go through that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you’re doing well on your healing, God bless ❤️💓

[@whitebirchtarot]

@@scmommy4539 thank you. Wishing you peace as well. 💕

[@whitebirchtarot]

@@shai-shai934 wow, I’m sorry you had to go through that as well. That is such a mean thing to do to someone. And so scary. I think I’ve healed quite a bit, but I had no idea it was going to take so long. I’m 68 years old and still learning things about myself that I need to change and I’m surprised at how much trauma was lurking inside and how much it damaged my life. It makes me angry, but I try to tell myself that people did the best they could with what they had. I’m not quite sure I believe that, but I hope it’s true. I hope you’ve been able to heal as well. Take care, my friend. 💕

[@maryamkidwai2543]

Thank you so much for these videos. I relate so much. And these help so much.

[@tomhorn6156]

Tank,s for sharing your way Kim. Not only us🥰

[@wheathusk2499]

Listening to u makes me feel like we r the same person. I have the same exact feeling even though our trauma is similar not the same

[@Ally-by5gk]

For me autism doesn’t explain the splitting behaviors. For reference I’m Neurodivergent with a history of trauma but mask very well. Autistic black and white thinking may feel close to BPD all good or all bad thinking but I’ve never been split by someone with pure Autistic traits. Lately I’ve been wondering if both is possible? Do you think it’s possible to have both? Can ASD and BPD be neurologically similar is this something that can be comorbid due to environment and genetics?

[@mandarinadreux9572]

I've read a study about bpd and autism done on a clinical population with bpd and if i remember correctly at least 50% also hat autism and one had asperger's. I've also heard the theory that bpd is what abandonement wounds can look like in people with autism. I strongly believe there is a strong connection. It's just not very well understood yet. I believe autism is also still widely misunderstood, especially in women and in subclinical levels. I believe my mother also has both, bpd and autism.

[@omgwhythough]

​@@mandarinadreux9572 Everything you're postulating makes a lot of sense to me.

[@craigjohnson6547]

Have a BPD mother, also learned at 50, 2 years ago I also have Inattentive ADHD, its been a ride for sure.

[@editorjeannie2318]

What are the chances if you’re raised by someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality- that you turn out that way. I’ve been in therapy on and off for 20 years (more on than off) and I still feel like I’m just like my mom.

[@jetpetty1613]

I'd like to know this too. I think that part of similarities is genetic but I have to remind myself that not every similarity is negative unless it's destructive

[@ladybeecreation3342]

Hello There Dr. KIM, 17:22 Boundaries is what I never had and don't realize, What it was cause I never had or seen it growing up. Now I know lol, I've been married 20 years now. My husband 2 years ago. Said to me you have change. You think he like that? No, he don't. But I do and i'm okay with that.❤

[@JohannesJunkJournalLife]

Wow. How would I approach my angry child who you have described to a T? Refusing therapy, raging anger, hangs up on me, relies on weed daily😢, unapproachable. This behavior triggers my PTSD. Wish I could help, can I?

[@marcrichard7251]

Wow 😯! All I know is for me I learned to forgive my parents and siblings as well as people in my life who hurt me. Forgiveness is a gift in disguise as it gives back your peace and joy. Forgiveness is NOT saying it’s ok what they did ….when we choose to move on and forgive….

[@MarleneTrujillo-uc8bj]

I wish I could but I haven’t been able to because of things still lingering all these years later. I have CPTSD and unfortunately relive things in my nightmares so it’s always in my face ( the abuse).

[@kenoreyna4593]

I find it hard to forgive too I find writing helps me and prayer and meditation , practicing Chi Gong helps too still not perfect but better I hope we all find peace and happiness someday God bless you!

[@rocky1raquel]

And when they keep hurting you.. you just keep forgiving or do you remove yourself from the situation/relationship?

[@kenoreyna4593]

I have no toxic hurtful people in my life right now! I removed them from my life and I now have boundries in my relationships

[@tonidelisa8185]

Forgiveness doesn’t make the flashbacks and trauma responses magically disappear. Trauma gets stuck in the body. Childhood trauma changes our brains. Forgiveness doesn’t change that either.

[@ninakanth]

Dear Dr Sage, Thank you for all the content. I've just been diagnosed 2 months ago at age 46. I've been in a relationship for the past 2 years but it's caused a lot of damage. While I'm seeking therapy my partner hasn't found anyone who can help. She's not interested in speaking to just any therapist. Are there any groups etc for partners of those who live/ love with BPD? She'd like to speak to fellow companions. Any help/ advice would be really appreciated.

[@Lilly-ss7rp]

It sounds like you and I had the same mother.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Dr. Sage, I don't think you're on the spectrum. I think you've C-PTSD. I relate to the rageful father. I once was like him.

[@finalthoughts2762]

❤