BPD and Ghosting

In this video I'll be discussing what to do if you have BPD and get ghosted. Additionally, I will always be talking about why those who have BPD might sometimes ghost other people.
0:00 Intro
0:52 What is Ghosting?
2:12 What Happens if you Have BPD and Get Ghosted?
4:44 Why Do People Ghost with BPD?
6:13 Anxiety, BPD, and Ghosting
6:48 How to Stop Tendency to Ghost
8:08 Outro
Have you seen my previous video? Check it out » • PMS and Borderline Per...
________________________
SUBSCRIBE to my channel: kzbin.info/door/rxf... for a new video every MONDAY
________________________
INTERESTED IN SUPPORTING MY CHANNEL?
🌍 Patreon: / onthelinecommunity
________________________
COME SAY HI!
📧 EMAIL: [e-mail]
Disclaimer: This channel is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute a replacement for the practice of psychotherapy or other professional health care services. The use of information on this channel is at the user’s own risk. The content of this channel is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining professional advice for any conditions they may have and should seek the assistance of their health care professionals for any such conditions.

[@tinyhomeliving8558]

I had a friend with BPD. She constantly ghosted people which I always thought was fairly hurtful. I remember having a conversation with her once about it. I tried to explain to her how cruel I thought It was to ghost people. How it leaves people confused and questioning their actions (if they did something wrong). The strange thing was her perception of events. She explained several of the situations in detail. She was absolutely convinced that she was abandoned by all these people. Even thought she refused to talk to any of them (she ghosted them). I couldn’t make sense of it. Maybe you get this and can explain it

[@octaneissofine]

I’m talking to someone who had quiet bpd and I’m scared that they’re gonna ghost me out of the blue without explaining, if this happens what should I do?

[@tinyhomeliving8558]

@@octaneissofine well, first off I’m sorry your going through this. It’s horribly painful and I’m my opinion cruel when pwbpd ghosts, but that’s part of their illness. The truth is be thankful it’s over if you get ghosted. DO NOT allow yourself to get wrapped up in the ghosting / Hoover cycle that most untreated pwbpd will put you through. The amount of damage and trauma that it will inflict on you is unmeasurable. My best advice is to end the relationship now, or create iron clad firm boundaries with the borderline and do not compromise. Start attending CODA support groups because you are codependent (that’s the best thing you can do and it’s free). If you can afford it I’d recommend seeing a counselor who deals with partners of cluster B’s. In all honesty it sounds like a unhealthy typical toxic borderline relationship and you’d be best ending it before things get ugly. It’s probably not the answer you wanted, but it’s the best advice your going to get

[@octaneissofine]

@@tinyhomeliving8558 thank you for this, he is getting treated however (cbt) and we have had a really good relationship so far, we’ve been talking for three months now, this sounds cliche but I’ve never met someone who is so much like me in my life and who understands my trauma, I’ve told myself to give it time to see what happens. I know he’s trying his best to get through his illness and I want to be there for him but I’m obviously wary of it. There’s a lot of stigma surrounding the illness and I don’t want to have a biased view against him if you know what I mean?

[@octaneissofine]

@@tinyhomeliving8558 and about setting boundaries, what ones would be good to put in place? He’s very respectful of the boundaries I already have in place but I feel like there should definitely be more

[@tinyhomeliving8558]

@@octaneissofine typically is a slow gradual shift from respectful boundaries to none at all. You need to decide what’s important to you and make it clear that if those boundaries are broken that the relationship is OVER. No compromises, no negotiating, flat out over. Codependents are absolutely terrible when it comes to enforcing rules. That’s why you should start attending CODA. Your going to need a strong local support group to help you remain honest with yourself and your partner. My boundaries would be no cheating, honestly around some of the more severe symptoms, honestly and awareness during a episode/split/trigger, and absolutely no verbal or physical abuse tolerated during a rage. You really really really need to get yourself either a counselor or someone with enough experience around pwbpd to guide you through some of the issues. It’s and extremely severe mental illness that can cause a ton of damage in your life if your not careful

[@avosquirrel231]

Limerence, object permanency, and splitting play a big part in my tendency to ghost

[@solindasol]

Same

[@Trackformers]

U mean.. NO object constancy?

[@solindasol]

@@Trackformers for me it's emotional impermanence

[@Trackformers]

@@solindasol exactly.. "IM"permenance. The lack of permanence.

[@heyyy19]

When you ghost do you ever come back to your romantic partner?

[@darth-gerry6659]

I have really bad BPD. I ghosted so many people because in my mind it gave me a false self esteem boost. When I ghost I had control and control is what I craved to combat my fear of abandonment.

[@robertfelts8773]

Such a good channel. I've been friends, trying to be a partner, with a person with undiagnosed BPD for 10 years. Everything I've seen in your videos makes so much sense of all the chaos. I hope she gets diagnosed and seeks treatment because I can't do it anymore with her and she is ruining her life. I watch these to better understand what she is going though in the hopes that she sees diagnostics and treatments as a viable healthy choice, or I'm afraid she is going to run out of time and energy and resources to get a healthy fulfilling life for herself. Anyway, I appreciate you

[@macrayla]

watching this to curb the urge to ghost 🙏

[@digga7200]

The „love of my life“ who i lived with for 2 months (quiet bpd untreated) Just left me 1 day without a word and ghosted and blocked me since then. That was the Greatest pain i ever endured in my life. I loved Her more than anything in the World

[@jsnow6925]

Run. She will ruin your life. Trust me

[@lochnessmunster1189]

Digga- you may not believe this, but she did you a favour. It will just take quite some time to come to terms with this, but it's true.

[@RobbyVds-ji9ll]

Here same thing. I blocked everything.

[@AiPlanet-sr2qs]

Mine just ghosted me after I lost everything because of her. Now I wish I listened to the people who where saying run before but instead I stayed

[@AlexRodriguez-oh2ro]

This video resonated with me. I went no contact with a former friend months ago. My emotions were being toyed with in the course of our 3-year friendship, and it was never addressed appropriately. When I finally stood up for myself and set a boundary, it was not met well. Eventually, we tried to reconcile, but the toxic patterns continued, so I went no contact. What is the biggest difference between ghosting and no contact? Conversations were had, boundaries were established, yet nothing changed; the dismissive behavior and disrespect continued. Are those grounds for walking away unceremoniously? I would love to see a video that tackles one’s justifications for ghosting, both for those with BPD and the non.

[@Guns_Girls_Gays_N_Theys]

I think ghosting is not giving an explanation. Just blocking on everything out of nowhere one day. No contact is the adult thing to do. If things aren't getting better, they aren't changing. Say your peace and get out.

[@aurorarawlinson7341]

I highly expect that my ADHD is compounded with BPD. I know that I also experience and struggle with friend anxiety.

[@TheYouthquaker]

I ghost for my own sanity, and I ghost because I feel I am a burden, and I feel unworthy, and I know nobody likes me. I know I can be problematic, but I also know many people use things against me. I have spent the last 5 years in solitude trying to deal and heal and teach myself skills and coping skills. I ghost people who are passive-aggressive too. I ghost people who clearly never reach out in the first place, or people who just want to use me. I will, if it seems safe to talk, will tell someone I am ghosting because I’m freaking out and panicking. I have openly admitted that I’m so used to be rejected that I will just sometimes avoid people to avoid rejection. I am aware of my dark side, and shadow work has been really helpful. It doesn’t seem other people do that though.

[@TheYouthquaker]

@@ohroobz I agree with you to a certain extent, but at the same time how can one feel safe opening up to anyone after a lifetime of sexual assault, domestic violence, social exclusion, backstabbing, theft (from others), being turned into a joke and demeaned. I want to view the best in people, but I have experienced a lot of cruelty. I do sometimes ghost the few people who do like me, but usually my instincts are right. And sometimes other people think they themselves mean well, but they too are living some sort of fantasy and overestimate the relationship too.

[@andyveres3982]

Thank you Kayla ☺️

[@jainetu]

Thanks so much for this wonderful information! Really helps me understand my relationship. Can you please talk about the Quiet BPD's need for attention and validation? Like examples of it, where it comes from. Also, can you talk about the tendency to stay at the surface and focus on external vs internal things? Thanks again great content!

[@onthelinecommunity]

Yes good idea!

[@mountsinai_]

one of the reasons i used to ghost was splitting and also not feeling good enough like you said, another factor was that i genuinely felt it wouldn't impact the other person, i could never truly believe that i mattered to them. is this a bpd symptom too?

[@superswag3252]

No, it is a symptom of psychopathy.

[@mountsinai_]

@@superswag3252 😵‍💫

[@EclecticallyEccentric]

​@@superswag3252You're hilarious.

[@bonezbaaaby]

I deal with BPD and instead of ghosting I've been opening up to men. When I have, they ghost. It's telling me its better to just ghost every time instead of THEM GHOSTING ME for opening up and telling them my issues with them. And I've taken the mature route !!! This has been multiple men now. Now my female friend I opened up to and we had a healthy open line of communication. She didn't ghost.

[@CitiesOfAsh]

Bpd relationships are like being in looney toon ville, anybody with a brain would run. Womens red flags cannot be overlooked as they come to haunt men in their future while you disrespect spit on cheat violate personal boundaries do all sorts of weird illegal 💩 who would want that in their life? Men aspire for peace, your condition brings chaos.

[@MaseratiRick-ok5oj]

Sometimes when you vent too much to men and they are not already in your pocket and loyal it freaks em out and they run

[@nora7501]

Thank you

[@Jalentheuntold]

I do this to a guy that I only been talking to for a week or less but for everyone else I never ghost. I’ve been ghosted before and it’s not fun. The need for closure drives me crazy!

[@slackingoffagain]

That's normal...

[@simoninsilence1427]

Mixed emotions. Having just found this important channel...Kayla has 'cut off' posting content. If this were the last video posted, how prophetic?! Nearly. Kinda makes it more confusing (for me). Abandonment issues seem both reevant and redundant. UPDATE: Have found Kayla's messages about life being hectic and taking a break from posting. Totally get this. ❤

[@superspambros2296]

My girlfriend has BPD and not long ago she found out she was pregnant by me and our relationship was not bad at all she had her moments but I handled it wel and we made up but she had problems with her previous kids and now that she is having another one she is really losing it and won’t talk to me and let me know how the pregnancy is going or even text or answer my calls and she says it’s not my fault she’s mad at herself but it’s just not enough for me to be ok with her behavior.

[@mariaanmo]

I hope you understand how valuable what you're doing is

[@onthelinecommunity]

Thank you and yes of course! 😊

[@Trackformers]

As usual, acting as if only the pwBPD's feelings matter. Get's ghosted: I'm so sad about this. Whats is wrong with me? Why me? I'm not good enough. Ghosts someone: Well i was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't know what to say. I didn't wanna get rejected, so i did it first to save my self. Always about them..

[@digga7200]

As usual….

[@Guns_Girls_Gays_N_Theys]

Sounds like someone got hurt and is a wittle salty his manic pixie dream girl wasn't just a sex bomb that he couldn't handle :(((((

[@EclecticallyEccentric]

Do you know what this channel is about? If you didn't want the insight as to why ghosting happens, please go elsewhere.

[@Trackformers]

@@EclecticallyEccentric I'll go where ever i want. And im correct still..

[@EclecticallyEccentric]

​@@TrackformersThis video explains why ghosting happens from the perspective of people with BPD, of course it's going to focus on their feelings. It's their perspective. Thinking everyone with it always focuses on themselves is just untrue. I'm sorry you were hurt by someone with BPD, but that doesn't make generalizations correct.

[@alin0ur]

Thank you Kayla for your work. Have you already done a video about BPD and ADHD, like you did with anxiety? I got both and feel like my ADHD feeds my (quiet) BPD triggers, which can be very overwhelming and devastating.

[@vintagesoniia]

Omg, same! I feel for you ❤Recently got diagnosed with both and though it explained a lot, I’m really struggling to manage all of the intertwined symptoms 😥

[@onthelinecommunity]

Yes I have!

[@cleopatraponder9274]

I have a question?? Why do we need a reason for why we ghost people, do people need to explain why they ghost us? Is it ok to ghost if you are a non bpd? Do people with non bpd need therapy to understand why they ghost people, do they need to things about the pros and cons.so they need to take time to sit down? No they dont, they have permission to separate themselve without explanation and we have to accept it. Its just the pot calling the kettle

[@waynejohnson4960]

Ghosting is considered bad by anyone. Grow up.

[@kimrose80]

How do I heal if I got ghosted because of my needy clingy behaviours?? 😢 Makes me feel even worse because it was my own fault and I lost a good person out of my life 😢 I’ve really had a hard time moving forward from this because this person just sees me as toxic now..

[@alouise3557]

Oh GOD. This is me. This is why I sought out videos of ghosting and BPD. I am constantly ghosted by my ADHD boyfriend. I've torn him to pieces with my insecurities. I'm mortified at how I've treated him, not realizing his ADHD may have been the reason for all the blowoffs (though I'm not sure.) I only just discovered BPD and I completely identify with this. He's now ghosting me and I'm so fn rattled (and panicked) I feel like I just want tomorrow to come so I can know if he'll text me again. F this disorder!

[@kimrose80]

@@alouise3557 🫂

[@ananousous]

I think everyone has hurt someone at some point their life. And while it's good to look back at those moments and acknowledge the need for self-improvement, tearing yourself up over it is not only unfair to yourself, it's often counterproductive to that self-improvement (which is what all moments in life present opportunities for) For me, I found that healing required self-forgiveness. And as with all forms of forgiveness, this first requires an apology that includes action & commitment to avoiding making the same mistakes. If you agree to work on yourself and show active determination in being better, how could you not deserve self-forgiveness? I think this only becomes even more true as your self-improvement fosters you to grow as a person in such a way that your practically someone new. It seems fitting to take the advice of Marcus Aurelius and "[t]hink of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. *Now take what’s left and live it properly."* ( _Meditations_ 7.56) (Speaking of, it may cliché but I really did find his meditations to help tremendously. I can't recommend listening to someone read them on YT or an audio book enough) ------ Whether this person ultimately forgives you is entirely up to them though. It's important to respect whatever decision they make. While it may hurt if they don't want to move forward with you, if you focus on self-acceptance you'll find yourself making new and other meaningful connections & relationships

[@haileywhite3594]

Theres so many acronyms(i think this is the right word?) for bpd, idk what rhis is for

[@glissdance]

borderline personality disorder

[@linneahulten405]

Would you say ghosting is people that never comes back without explanation even if you thought you were friends, no matter how much you try to get in touch? Or can it be that still, if people just doesn't respond for a short or long while and suddenly comes back like nothing happened?

[@lochnessmunster1189]

Good question. I'm not sure if "ghosting" means forever or just for a limited period of time.

[@joemac84]

BPD is caused by a person’s avoidance / refusal to accept, take responsibility and heal their own suffering and trauma. Trauma is often not your fault, but it is your responsibility. This is the Truth about BPD.

[@chabella123]

I think i ghost ppl bc i don't trust myself. So i just clear away.

[@itrulycare]

So, what should I do if pwBPD ghosted me?

[@devorah935]

Ghost back

[@octoberwoods]

Somtimes ghosting, pulling a hudini is the healthiest thing to do, specially if you are breaking away from a trauma bond, or the person doesnt see anything wrong in their behavior. You don't always owe somone a explanation. I found out about betrayals from a life long friend 34 years and I tried to explain things to her she flipped it to be me some how. So I did a slow fade at first then just dropped all communication.

[@abvincent12]

I was ghosted by a person with BPD - I was beyond kind, caring, loyal. I was incessantly accused of cheating, they threatened withholding intimacy, all sorts of wild stuff. It was up down up down up down up down. No fights, it just felt like I was walking on eggshells. When they left, I felt SO RELIEVED. I would NEVER date someone with this disorder again. The emotional rollercoaster and its impact on your life is absolutely not worth it.

[@Ikecantstop1]

7 years best friends - 6 months in a serious relationship. She text me one day... My ex died. You serve no purpose to me bye... She text me 20 times that day how much she loves me... Haven't heard a word in 4 months... Very very hurtful.

[@thatmetalchiick]

ghosting is a million times harder for BPD suffereers. most people can move on from things easy. I hold onto them for years.

[@amitsalaskar1024]

Pros and cons cant be analysed after 6 months of relationship. That shld be done even before the second conversation with the potential partner. Dont put happy ppl in misery mr/mrs BPD. Thats evil

[@EclecticallyEccentric]

I'd argue it's much worse to think people with BPD are all monsters that can't have healthy relationships.