Buddhism and Loneliness

[@DougsDharma]

🧡 If you find benefit in my videos, consider supporting the channel by joining us on Patreon and get fun extras like exclusive videos, ad-free audio-only versions, and extensive show notes: www.patreon.com/dougsseculardharma 🙂 📙 You can find my book here: books2read.com/buddhisthandbook

[@sat1241]

Nice lecture, with respect what is the red thing in your ear? Is that an injury? I can't tell what it is

[@saralamuni]

You are never alone because you are always there.

[@DougsDharma]

🙏

[@mikewright3633]

Very helpful Doug. I am naturally an introvert & a loner outside of work. But I have found visiting & practicing at and with the Sangha at Chithurst Monastry in Sussex Uk incredibly helpful. I can recommend their you tube livestreams to any of your followers 👍

[@fingerprint5511]

Ajahn sumedho is my hero. Because of his teachings I've made huge improvements 🙏🏼

[@mikewright3633]

@@fingerprint5511 yes! I agree 🙏

[@DougsDharma]

Wonderful, yes association with the right sangha can make a world of difference.

[@SamBellGuitar]

I was there today, its such a lovely place. I enjoy Ajahn Sucittos teachings, super practical. I don't know anyone there though!

[@mikewright3633]

@@SamBellGuitar Sucitto is amazing 👍

[@anicca6877]

Hey Doug, thanks for making this. I've been struggling with the problems of anxiety, self hatred and loneliness for some time now myself, and these lectures are extremely helpful. Thank you for simplifying these teachings!

[@DougsDharma]

Wonderful, anicca. I'm glad they're helpful to you, all my best! 🙏😊

[@mikew8573]

Very compelling and inspirational video. First timer to your channel and was glad to find you. Love the term 'Live an uncrowded Life.' I've always weighed in on quality versus quantity. Buddhism can do so much for the human race especially with how the world is today. We are our own caretaker and we have the power to overcome so much and these videos are a great path. Namaste!

[@DougsDharma]

Thank you so much, Mike. I agree, there is a lot that Buddhism can teach us! 🙏

[@rajchamar8641]

Thanks

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure!

[@missmerrily4830]

I think that Buddhism is a naturally lonely path in general, as it requires introspection and accepting some, (what is to many), unpalatable universal truths. And of course solitude is very different to loneliness. If you give unconditional love, it's often not going to be reciprocated and, if you're looking for that, it's not unconditional. There's no warm comfort of a fantasy life in a heavenly realm in Buddhism, just quite a hard slog to see the real truth. But I prefer that to living in delusion.

[@zain4019]

The Buddha often spoke of heavenly realms, as well as hellish realms, dependent upon our actions in this life. Neither of them are the eternal truth, but they are realms which the self may go afterwards.

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@remotefaith]

Buddhism is not truth, and your longing for enlightenment is driven by the same will that drives others in their different pursuits in life. Being a Buddhist takes you no nearer to truth, it just helps you to feel better about your inevitable death. Others use different methods. That’s all there is

[@missmerrily4830]

@@remotefaith Thank you for your kind offering of your opinion. Peace and happiness to you.

[@jameslangsmith8122]

thanks Doug, having contracted long coivd 11 months ago I have exprienced severe anxiety and am doing my best to practice metta to take the edge off this debilitating conditions. Thank you for being there with your words of wisdom they help. With love James

[@DougsDharma]

So sorry to hear it, James. I'm glad that the videos are helpful to you. 🙏

[@babyme8886]

Namo Buddhaya 🙏🙏🙏May all humans explore and understand this pure Dharma 🙏🙏🙏

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@gra6649]

The most soul crushing pains in life are loneliness, and isolation. Kind of the same I guess. However, I have had lots of experience with both. Let me tell you a little about myself. I was born without hands, only one elbow, and only one foot. These inconveniences did not slow me down much. I'm also dyslexic, and that has tripped me up some in this life. I won my black belt in jiu jitsu, and I am a qualified scuba diver. I went to school for the handicapped and was an outcast because to quote my fellow, students wasn't handicapped enough. No hands, only one foot, some people are hard to please. I live in French Canada, and am of pure French heritage. However, I was raised in Toronto. And so I was made to feel by my extended family that I wasn't French enough. So I am a person that doesn't fit in anywhere. But not fitting in allows one to see into the pains of loneliness, isolation,and bigotry. You know, crap like that. When one does not fit in anywhere, one fits in everywhere. In a very real way I am grateful, because this painful karma has allowed me to relate to the pain of others. Besides Buddha nature, pain is the one thing that unites all beings. The day that I found my teacher was the day that I saw that every tear that I ever shed was a kind of a blessing, and the karma that was manifested in the form of those tears, lead me like a silver chain to Zen, and that one moment. That was an unusually big day. My teacher told me on more that one occasion, no pain no gain. That's a hard truth, but a truth all the same. Life often is not pleasant, however it is perfect.

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@danielbilodeau2737]

@@gra6649 A wonderful and wise comment. Thank you so much.

[@fingerprint5511]

I'm undergoing a retreat at home alone and wow has it been insightful, as well as terrifying as I'm not going out and only watching reading and listening to Dhamma. The Buddha did not speak much on Vedana either and the sensations we are experiencing these days due to suffering. I recommend isolation, thanks Doug 🙏🏾

[@DougsDharma]

Yes temporary isolation from time to time can be very useful, or going on a silent retreat with others if you have the opportunity.

[@thomasawdffaw123]

A very important topic, especially in todays world. Thank you for making the video!

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure, Thomas. 🙏

[@someone-hz8tj]

yea metta was the most amazing thing for me. It made me way less scared of people and so made me less lonely

[@DougsDharma]

Yes it makes a difference!

[@johnnycabrera17]

Just found your channel my brother I am in a very transitional moment after a failed relationship of 7 years and honestly I've been trying to find more comfortable in solitude thanks for your great insight

[@DougsDharma]

Welcome aboard, Johnny! Glad to be of help. 😊

[@mikew8573]

Johnny, It's unfortunate of your relationship ending however vast majority of us can relate and support others. Been a few years for me and that's the LTR that broke the camels back. It caused me so much anxiety and pain but through these podcasts and seen a therapist I'm feeling much more fullfilled and on solid ground. Best way relationship is with oneself.

[@johnnycabrera17]

@@DougsDharma u are a godsend my friend I'll be here supporting ur future endeavors

[@johnnycabrera17]

@@mikew8573 yes it is sad Mike but time heals all and I lost somebody but found myself to me that was the best trade off of my life

[@igrim4777]

Failed? Or ended? Or even just radically changed?

[@grndragon7777777]

I've noticed something. Being away from people, you can't break the precepts. Like lying or stealing and if people make you angry, being away from them is like closing the sense doors.

[@DougsDharma]

Right, well the precepts are I think for smoothing our interactions with others.

[@heyylittleworld2314]

It's as if you read my mind, I was just contemplating loneliness... Keep up the good work, Doug. Just got your book, can't wait to start it!

[@DougsDharma]

Thanks so much, hope you find it useful! 🙏

[@canadajourney]

Thanks for the topic.

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure!

[@geoffh2560]

Thanks for the video Doug, from my own personal experience I would say my loneliest experience was finding myself stuck on vacation with a previous partner when the relationship was completely breaking down. Conversely I feel no sense of loneliness on a mindfulness retreat.

[@DougsDharma]

Ah yes, good points Geoff! 🙏

[@billhicks8]

Hmm. I appreciated the information but felt as if the video went a little off track, at least for me. I didn't really expect the anxiety of being around others to be the main theme. The central problem with loneliness seems to be that despite the wider connection we might have to all beings, we still have an essence to our existence that we experience as totally alone. It is the "born alone, die alone" conundrum, and the anxious feelings of alienation that can arise are usually a particular variety of contingent manifestation of that original lonely essence. We have to be self sufficient, fundamentally, and this is also promoted in Buddhism. Not so much meaning living by yourself off grid or whatever, but the literal definition of the term "self sufficient" in that whatever "You" does or doesn't exist, that state of being is enough. It requires no external fulfilment or attachment to be its total. Yet the feeling of loss, endless change in the turning tides of dharma, the struggle to understand others and their affections, and the solitude of death all exert tremendous phantoms of influence over us, even when we practice earnestly. I think it is one of the biggest challenges even for the most devoted meditator. Or maybe it's just me.

[@DougsDharma]

Yes there are many manifestations of loneliness or aloneness. I think you're pointing to a kind of existential loneliness that's a bit different than the kind I described, though not unrelated say to depression.

[@bernardofitzpatrick5403]

Awesome talk Doug😊 i live in mountains but am not lonely.

[@DougsDharma]

Great, glad to hear it Bernardo. All the best! 🙏

[@alivenwell14]

Enjoy and learn from your vlogs Doug. For me, I’ve spent two years in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I understand the tools of breathing, mindfulness and meditation. My “loneliness” is that I have no one to share my CBT feelings or experiences with. Your thoughts please? Thank you.

[@DougsDharma]

That's hard to say. I'm assuming you mean that you are no longer with your therapist but would like to discuss the process with others. If it really interests you, you could look into becoming a therapist yourself I guess. Otherwise, I did a video awhile back on what to do if there is no local meditation group. That might provide some ideas: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y6OofImBqLtln7c All the best on your search, Gilbert!

[@h4kk449]

Hey Doug thank you very much for this video :)

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure, h4kK! 🙏

[@markusnyman4768]

Having no one to rely on may give one sort of agency, but it also strips you of agency in another sense. In an everyday sense we loners may be tougher cookies because whatever trouble you face, you'll have to endure through it with your own aid no matter how deficient. But also if you are not into online dharma celebrity fandom, you may be left somewhat alone with your practice as well in not always the most constructive way if you lack not only friends but also connection with a spiritual friend. It sort of also comes down to finding suitable role models you can emulate, but ones in flesh and bone so that you can interact with them. I'm leaving this comment a little open ended.

[@DougsDharma]

Yes, there is no perfect solution. My measured opinion would be that for most of us it's best to have access to a larger sangha with which to practice regularly. Spiritual friendship is very important.

[@luizmiguelsantos6282]

Very good interpretation, Doug. You always make very interesting videos, thanks.

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure, Luiz. Thanks for your comment. 🙏

[@rudolffischer3849]

Thank you, Doug, for that very informative video! There are very good points to live by. Ty and keep up the great work, I am always enjoing watching your videos 😊

[@DougsDharma]

You are very welcome, Rudolf. Thanks for the comment! 🙏😊

[@nordmende73]

Thank you!

[@DougsDharma]

My pleasure, Mende. 🙏

[@spiritualanarchist8162]

I'm simplifying here , but i do think it's the shy extroverts and the introverts wanting to be extroverts who suffer the most. Modern society makes it seem as if being an introvert is some kind of mental problem one needs to cure. When one is younger , being an introvert can seem like a curse. School and work rewarding those who act the most confident, not the most capable When one gets older however , not needing people to feel whole can be a blessing.

[@DougsDharma]

Yes, being an introvert in an extroverted society can be a trial, no doubt about it. 🙏

[@perfectsims]

Love your channel 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[@DougsDharma]

Thank you so much!!

[@middlewayers]

Doug i have a question, according to MN, the right view is that :"there is duty towards mother and father." So some people who became monks at young age. Weren't they against the right view?

[@DougsDharma]

After the ordination of Rāhula by the Buddha, or so I recall, the Buddha laid down the training rule that children had to have permission from their parents to ordain. And it does sometimes happen that monks will either disrobe or at least leave the monastery to help parents if it becomes necessary.

[@middlewayers]

@@DougsDharma hmm..seems fair

[@meerasingh2327]

I don’t know when I see these monks practicing in forest and so alone my tears start flowing. I still don’t understand why I feel sad after seeing their life alone away from the world in the rob and arm bowl. Some time I see them walking in line for food. I watch all in KZbin but still I feel how alone they are

[@DougsDharma]

Ah, I would assume that they are content being alone, otherwise surely they would have access to a larger sangha somewhere to practice.

[@meerasingh2327]

@@DougsDharma Oh yes, I just looked at one side only. Thanks 🙏

[@redbaron2455]

Love the videos, however i feel like i'm better equipped to deal with solitude as i prefer my own company anyway. Although i guess i'm not really in solitude as i'm constantly checking twitter. Not really alone, but I think with the social media age, its more difficult to be alone in general.

[@DougsDharma]

True, it's easier to interact online nowadays, though it leaves a lot to be desired in comparison with real face-to-face interactions. That said, I'm an introvert as well and so can only take so much face-to-face! 😄

[@omx3x]

Great vid. One question I've always had is what was the Buddha's opinion on romantic relationships? is it a hindrance to enlightenment. Can one be in a romantic relationship and still progress in their practice?

[@DougsDharma]

Sure you can progress. The Buddha gave many teachings to laypeople about how to live well. I have a whole course on the Buddha's teaching to laypeople over at onlinedharma.org! 😊

[@Lalalala22537]

Hi Doug , I am kind of stuck on this question. Because of ignorance or desire we are born again and again ( Rebirth in Buddhism or reincarnation in Hinduism ). But what caused the first rebirth . Since there can not be desires or ignorance prior to the first rebirth ,Why and how did the first birth take place . Can you please clarify .

[@philcolclough8356]

Recall that on the night of the Buddha’s enlightenment-the suttas tell us-he was able to review many of his past lives, countless numbers of them. He subsequently reported that a first point of beings wandering on in ignorance through samsara is “not to be found”. Even with his supernormal attainment he couldn’t discover the beginning, so by extension … it is unknowable.

[@mukeshwahane]

Reincarnation in hinduism is transfer of soul from one body that dies to another body which takes birth. Rebirth in buddhism is cycle of coming going of emotions in our mind. This cycle is the origin of resulting cycle of sufferings coming and going. Breaking this cycle of REBIRTH OF EMOTIONS takes our consciousness into nibbana, in this very life.

[@middlewayers]

"There has to be a beginning" is an attachment.. A thing that has a beginning ends automatically.. meanwhile what doesn't have a begining doesn't end automatically

[@DougsDharma]

Yes the Buddha talks about a beginningless round of rebirths.

[@stephenowen5229]

Just my 2 cents, but we are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. 'I' am trapped inside 'my' mind. I have know way of knowing another person, or even anything outside my mind. Is there a world 'out there' which I share with other living creatures? The Cittamatra school posits the idea that there is no material world and the appearance of an inner perceiving and an outer perceived aspect in each moment of consciousness gives rise to the the illusion that they are different 'things', mind and matter. According to the Cittamatra, matter is an imaginary concept. If there are other minds, and matter is an illusion, why can I not enter into the mind of another person? If the mind is immaterial, what is the 'boundary' between my mind and that of others? Of course, this isn't a solipsist viewpoint, because the 'I' does' exist. For me, this is what fascinates me about Buddhism and meditation. The mental workout is incredible, but at the same time futile. I need only experience non-duality, which is non-conceptual. KZbin only served up your videos today. They are very interesting and you have a new subscriber. Thank you very much.

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@isaacgreenough6002]

❤️

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@Simonjose7258]

🙏🏽

[@DougsDharma]

🙏😊

[@heavenlypath1065]

Introvert Gang!

[@DougsDharma]

👍👍

[@jaydenclowers2616]

Is there a such thing as a hermit monk ?

[@SoyElta]

Yes of course. It is common to be hermit and then with others during the rainy season, but being a full time hermit is appropriate as well.

[@middlewayers]

What do you think are Righteousness and Middle Way the same?

[@DougsDharma]

Hmmm ... I think they are closely related, but not exactly the same. Acting rightly is not really a middle between two extremes.

[@middlewayers]

@@DougsDharma I want to make a point with example to food: Eating food excessive and frequently is one extreme Not eating food at all is another extreme Eating food in the right amount at the right time is the Middle Way What do you say regarding this?

[@xiaomaozen]

😊🙏

[@DougsDharma]

😄🙏

[@namanbhalla6129]

I have a question if rebirth or reincarnation is real then why species on earth get extinct? Nammo buddhaya

[@DougsDharma]

I'm not sure I understand the question. On a traditional understanding of rebirth, we are reborn as different species at different times. Though as a secular practitioner I leave aside such issues as speculative.

[@martingisser273]

As Doug said, the problem is not the extinction of species, as long as there are other species to incarnate in. But one day our planet will be dead: Maybe sooner (runaway climate heating, or atomic war) maybe later (sun expanding and burning away all life). Ultimately we would need another planet to reincarnate on. But also the universe has a finite life span. Will everyone be in Nirvana then? What sense does Nirvana make then? (Similarly eternal afterlife in christianity etc.). It makes no sense, so better think about the here (planet Earth) and the now. We have enough real (secular) things to worry about. And right now (this century) it is urgent to get our heads out of the clouds and get our feet back on the ground.

[@martingisser273]

That was the scientific/secular argument against reincarnation/afterlife. But there is also a moral philosophical argument: It leads to moral complacency. E.g.: If I mess up, I can always try again in my next life. No! E.g.: All those innocent martyrs killed in war will happily live on in heavenly paradise. No!

[@WWS322]

I'm sorry but I find it hard to take people seriously when they say they like being alone when in truth they are only alone at times.