Can A Sexual with Asexual relationship work and is it fair? Asexual Perspectives

[@LazyIRanch]

I don't know how this happened, that I never heard about asexuality until a week ago. I feel like my identity changed overnight, for the better! I just wish I'd known that this is a normal part of the sexual spectrum long ago. Sure would have saved a lot of grief, humiliation, and anger." I got married twice, because I thought that was what one does. I said if I didn't get married by age 30, I'd just marry the next guy that asked me. That's what I did, I married a guy I'd known a few weeks. He was a psycho, and our story was on "Unsolved Mysteries" after he murdered someone, 4 years after we were divorced (it's complicated). I married again, 9 years later, to an abusive narcissist alcoholic I had absolutely no attraction to, and grew to hate him. He had a girlfriend on the side the whole time, and I was fine with that. He thought I didn't know... it's that I didn't care. Less work for me! He left 6 years ago and he remarried probably before the ink dried on our divorce papers, to his fifth wife. I wish her a lot of luck! (Not to the girlfriend, he dumped her when he found fresh meat. I won't marry again, unless it's sexless on a mutual basis. Not holding my breath on finding a partner who's Ace where I live. When I was 19, I met the only man I ever loved and we had 8 happy years together until he died too young. I enjoyed sex with him, but I enjoyed everything with him. I loved him so much it was devastating when he died. I've never loved anyone since. Even with him, I'd have been just as happy without sex, though. There is no question in my mind that I'm Ace. Finding out about this is life-changing, because it fits so perfectly and explains why I wasn't like the other girls, ever. I wanted to go fishing with the boys, not parking! You know how when you were in elementary school, and boys were yucky and had cooties, and the kissing scenes in movies were so gross, and naked people were scary? Well, I just never outgrew that. I'll be 60 years old next month, and I've just now found out I'm on the spectrum, and I couldn't be happier! I've been an ally since high school. Two of my best friends were gay, I went to prom with one of them.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hey, it's lovely to virtually meet you. Welcome to my channel. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal and insightful life story, you have been through a lot of trauma and survived it all. That's incredible. I have been with abusive exs in the past, not on the scale of murder, but one used to be involved in crime and known by the police. So glad and thankful you are alive right now. You had a very fortunate and lucky escape. I did a pattern changing course with SAFE, and that truly helped me to not get with, or stay in, abusive relationships. It was a 14 week course on how to spot signs (patterns) of abusers, and one of the best things I have done in my life. Congratulations you found out you are ACE..I remember when I first discovered I am asexual back in the 2014, it was such a relief. My feelings made sense and I finally I knew the world's best kept secret, that some people really didn't like, want, or need, sex ever, and that felt fantastic. I knew then I wasn't alone, and there were other people who understood me. It is surprising if you have been an LGBT+ supporter, and only just heard about asexuality. It proves more visibility is badly needed. Better you have found out now, than never. Glad your life makes so much more sense now, looking back. I have a book I wrote called Asexual Perspectives, 47 Asexual Stories, Love, Life, and Sex, ACElebration Of Asexual Diversity. It's on Amazon. I think you might enjoy reading all of the different stories in it. The book celebrates our diversity across the asexual spectrum and our differences within in. It shows asexuality in different real life contexts, shown through the interviewee answers to questions. These questions are pretty much all of the questions you would have about asexuality, when you are new to the term, and still discovering the asexual spectrum and what is means. Just type in "Asexual Perspectives" in the Amazon search bar. You can also order it from Barnes and Noble, and Waterstones.

[@salvador75]

I’m having an awful time with it. My partner is asexual and I’m sexual. Part of my love language is sharing sexual intimacy with my partner. We’ve been together for over 10 years, she’s a wonderful woman but I feel like a large romantic hole is looming over me. She’s also very introverted and I’m more extroverted so that’s difficult too. Outside of those core things, we have a wonderful loving relationship. I wish I was asexual or she was sexual so we can stay together. But I just don’t know how to do it. It’s truly heartbreaking.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain, no matter what sexuality you are, relationships are difficult, and when it's mixed sexual orientation, it's a lot harder. Lots of communication is vital to resolve any issues and move forward together. Sometimes people are just too incompatible to make things work, other times, if they change the way they communicate and learn how to communicate more effectively,, maybe even get some couple coaching or couole therapy, it may work. I do coaching but not therapy, I also do direct advice/mentoring sessions. I think it's important to note that sexual intimacy and romantic intimacy are 2 different things. So when you say you have a large romantic hole, I would examine that closely, to see if it's sexual intimacy you lack, or romantic intimacy, or both. You can be extremely romantic without being sexual. Also there is sensual attraction, besides sexual attraction, so some people can be sensual too. Is you partner an aromantic asexual? So they lack romantic and sexual attraction?

[@DrArjunKataria]

for me its like living in an imaginary jail.

[@farvatron]

Get out NOW. I have been in your situation for 23 years and believe me, it gets WAY WORSE. I hope you don't have children (the reason I stay)

[@SDRicky]

​@@farvatron but children is not an issue , nowadays people can adopt children, there are other ways like IVF. Test tube baby.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

I genuinely understand you. I feel like I'm still very romantically in love with my husband but the lust is waning. It's a terrifying feeling and I'm lost. We're fantastic outside of the sexual compatibility too.. twenty full years this November. We just celebrated seventeen years of marriage in February. He's only becoming aware of the Ace spectrum and that he's probably on it at this stage of our life. It's crazy to think that sex is our problem.. I feel horrible about thinking that had I known, really understood the implications on our relationship and my self-esteem that I may not have married him. That's a heart wrenching thought. But I do wonder. Best wishes to you.

[@idiomsvice7241]

I truly believe it varies from couple to couple and just depends on the two people involved in the primary relationship. My wife and I are going thru this now. I an sexual, my wife is asexual. Pure honesty and open discussion is what I think helps, and/or works. I believe, though, that true monogamy between the two can only be achieved and maintain by one of the other "willfully choosing" to compromise their own sexual desires.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

I think you are in the main right and spot on about open and honest discussion. I also think there are a few cases where the sexual is not bothered about having sex, but that is rare.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

If I may ask, are you successfully monogamous or if not how have you navigated that? As the wife, I'm the sexual one and while I think about a outside friend when times feel really desperate I'm so very monogamous. I genuinely don't know that I could physically allow another.. I'm really lost right now. We've been together twenty years.. he's only now really considering the ACE aspect. He's not fully bought in yet, I think he hopes he's wrong which breaks my heart yet I'm pretty convinced he is..

[@Pamlicojdjdj1487]

@@SilvermoonscorpionI am in the same boat. The Ace enjoys affection but will never like, care or initiate sex. I am the sexual male in the marriage.

[@tonyclifton9018]

I have been with the same woman for almost 15 years and its gotten to the point she only wants back messages. She not only has become totally asexual but totally unaffectionate. We are both in our sixties now so it could be biological for her I am not sure. I have ask her to show complete frankness and be fair and honest about it but she would rather play a very cruel game with me. I should add this, I say she's completely unaffectionate because even the the back messages are all give and no take. I have probably given her at least one hundred back messages and she hasn't given me one. I mean not one.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Tony Clifton When you talk to her about this, what does she say?

[@peterfriden6363]

Leave her

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

I hate to be so bold but why do you stay? Is it age and convenience? While my husband of nearly 20 isn't very sensual nor lustful.. he is very romantic and loving. He'll rub my back every night without complaining. We're very loving towards each other. I find it difficult to tolerate a lack of sensual/sexual intimacy. If the romance was gone, no affection.. I'm out. That's a platonic relationship and lots of resentment building up behind it. I'm almost 45 and he's 41. There's no way I'd go on like that... Very sorry for your situation..

[@jinjinf2]

I'm in a marriage with someone who has asexual tendencies. Which is strange because when we were dating we had alot of sex but as he got more comfortable with himself and around me it dwindled until its at a stand still. At first i just thought it was his job or i wasn't showing enough intrest. But he finally admitted that he doesn't need it. To me it kinda hurts. I know he loves me but even though it's been a few months and i miss that connection with him... i feel like i wont get that anymore. But i love and respect him to stay... its just a painful adjustment

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

jinjinf2 Hi, thanks so much for sharing this. I can understand it’s hard for you. You are not the only one this has happened to. I have a heterosexual guy friend in a similar situation. They got married and they used to have a lot of sex with their wife, but once they had a kid, that was it, she no longer had any interest in sex. She doesn’t even show other signs of displays of affection towards him such as kissing and cuddling, which he would love, and although she loves him dearly and him her, he always feels there is something missing in that respect. He is faithful to her so will never have sex again in his life, unless she decided she wanted that again. So I do understand you as he has a sadness about him over this. I think the best thing to do, if you haven’t already done so, is to sit down and tell them how you feel, that it’s not the sex you miss per sey, but that deep and intimate physical closeness with them. Tell them you understand they don’t need sex and are happy they feel comfortable enough around you to be truly themselves in this way, because you only want to do physical things you both are comfortable with, however it makes you feel disconnected from them in that way, which is causing you some anguish. Whilst you understand they don’t need sex, what other things would they suggest you can do together, so you can still get some of that physical closeness that you miss. See what they say to that. Without knowing more details, it is hard for me to give you further advice because I don’t know if they have stooped other forms of physical closeness with you such as kissing, or if they still do that. Sometimes other things will stop, if the asexual feels it will lead into sex, but some Asexuals still like some touching, such as massage, kissing, caressing, without the sex, and if they know they can do those other things you enjoy together in terms of physical closeness just without the sex, and they trust it won’t lead onto that, then that might be a way forward so you still get some of the physical closeness you miss. Give them the opportunity and challenge of solving your anguish, and explain how it’s making you feel. Hugs xx

[@chloekit4861]

It’s not off the table that he’s getting laid elsewhere u don’t deserve to be denied intimacy all of a sudden

[@UkPome]

Get rid of him and find your happiness elsewhere, life too short to deal with that kind of rejection.

[@emrahkhan]

It is not fair to the sexually active partner at all. I went thru this as well, wife came out as asexual after over a decade of being together. I tried to stay together but found this impossible after a few years.

[@UkPome]

@@emrahkhan sorry to hear man, just sounds like they are being selfish and not taking the partners needs into consideration at all.

[@ISEEKSPACE]

An asexual and sexual relationship would only work if you have clear communication from the beginning about what the both of you are wanting from the relationship. I've also seen asexual and sexual relationships that are polyamorous because of this. If you clearly state what you need and how you both can meet each others needs, and if an asexual can be open enough to the sexuals needs, it could work but it would take ALOT of communication. As an asexual, I just recently understood this--it's a very difficult relationship and one with a lot of openess which could be hard for some. I've lost a truly great relationship because of this--I didn't know how to express my needs and wants and desires, and they too couldn't understand me because we just didn't communicate clearly.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Thank you so very much for sharing this and what you have discovered. I'm so very sorry for your loss of the relationship, it's always difficult. I think this type of relationship is a difficult one to navigate, and it's even harder to make it work if the asexual is monogamous and sex repulsed. I'm still working on the final edits for Asexual Guide To Sex, which should help some asexuals in this regard - especially as there is a lot of relationship advice in it too.

[@AidenHarteWrites]

I’m asexual and biromantic. I don’t NEED a romantic relationship, but I WANT one. However, I can’t ethically force or coerce people to date me. I can deal and be fulfilled on my own. I don’t understand why society doesn’t have that same attitude when it comes to sex.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

I totally agree with you. I hope someone nice finds you.

[@JamesMacleanEsq]

Of course you can't force someone...in fact, you don't need to. The asexual partner has all the power and urgency.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

Are you saying you're interested in a romantic relationship without the sex but it's very difficult to find a partner who can be romantic only? I'd say date only asexuals.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm not trying to be rude. Being a very sexual person, romantic things encourages my drive. Cuddling tells my body to get ready. It feels unfair to allow myself the closeness with another knowing full well it'll never come to fruition.. I know many feel the same so just taking care of ourselves while in a relationship is a big nope. Why? It's like going to a restaurant, paying and still having to make your own food. Sex for me is like eating or breathing. It's a necessity.

[@perfectpitchtodd]

I was a virgin when I married as was my wife. I wish she would have been honest with me from the get-go.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

perfectpitchtodd Hi, in what way wasn’t she honest with you?

[@kaylafranzottiavalos1178]

I agree with this comment. Had I been fully aware of what i was stepping into (me being very sexual) i dont know if i would have gotten married. We dated for a bit and were "active" when we got together, but i guess as he got comfortable with himself and how he is, he came out as asexual. I am not asexual at all, so its super hard for me to deal.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@kaylafranzottiavalos1178 Have you discussed how you could still get your sexual pleasure without the sexual intercourse?

[@chloekit4861]

@@kaylafranzottiavalos1178 that’s what u get when you don’t test drive the car before purchasing

[@Pamlicojdjdj1487]

@@chloekit4861That is not even a guarantee that someone is a closeted ACE. Furthermore, I can tell you for a fact that 20-25 years ago, no one knew what asexuality was and they very few that may have, never discussed it in the open. My Ace wife didn’t discover her orientation until 21 years into the marriage

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

It's interesting. My husband of nearly 20 years is figuring out he's probably on the ACE spectrum. So am I supposedly bc I'm demi sexual -very. I find that comical bc I have an intense sex drive for as long as I can remember.. We've always had a bit of a struggle with sexual consistency. He just thought he didn't require it that often and in all honesty anymore, when it does hit him it's essentially like needing to use the rest room. He's just taking care of a thing quickly. I understand the loving someone just for their personality and yet, him loving all of me means him taking into account that I can't live without sex/orgasms. Yes there's self love but after awhile it gets old and honestly resentment builds when it's 1 am and I'm on my couch wishing he was there yet I know that's not going to happen and I'm on my own, again. Bc again, honestly, had I known upfront, I don't know that I'd of married him. Sex is a very crucial and foundational part of a romantic/sexual relationship for me. Romance and sex are one for me. If it were up to me, I could go everyday and many days, twice. If I have 100 orgasms a week, he's only responsible for 10 of them. It's becoming kinda like what's the point? I'll just take care of me. But then why am I married? I DO understand the Ace's perspective and it's why I don't bother him with it. Bc 8/10 tries, he'll say no. Too tired, not feeling it.. So why ask- In our earlier life, we blamed having young children, illnesses and work- distractions for most of the why of not having a regular intimate relationship. I hated it. Orgasms bring relief for me. It's a mental health thing too. Now that the kids are older, and we have time to ourselves again, and he's learned about what ACE is he seriously wonders if that's him. I absolutely love him and can accept him as ACE. Up and until that means I'm living the rest of my life mostly sexless, by my standards. He tries to be available once or twice a week. No one said that was successful nor consistent. Meanwhile, ideally at least 3-4 times a week is actually healthy for me. We're both demi and very monogamous so the idea of outside help is a very difficult one. I want him. But I miss constant physical affection and the confidence to initiate and trust he'll not only initiate but truly want to. I'm not interested in sleeping with someone bc they feel it's their responsibility or obligation. It feels 💩. I AM grateful he does try. Romantically, he's sweet as can be but carnally, sensually.. I swear he has no clue how to be. He'll agree. In the beginning, I was the initiator.. but in my heart, I want to be the lady and chased. Taken. Sought after. I'm tired of being the one who brings it up or flat out ignores that aspect of us and instead takes care of myself. We're neither religious nor traditional. But again, I didn't know this 20 years ago. Before three kiddos happened and a lot of life as well. We're very much intertwined. When considering a friend, I'm afraid that if another took care of my physical needs and we really got along that my heart could change. I'd still love and adore my husband but it would be more like a platonic relationship.. I'm not sure marriage and roommating would work out. Neither is he. We've discussed all of this at length over the last 4 years. I'm not sure how to live without him. I DO love him incredibly. If not for our different libidos, we're a perfect match. I feel guilty that sex bc of my needs as the wife!! could threaten us yet.. I'm unhappy. Sometimes miserable and resentful.. but I can also understand not needing or even being repulsed by sex. I'd never want anyone to energetically dance with me unless they're deeply hungry to do so. We're seeking counseling. I'm searching for other couples stories and their advice on this matter bc I meant for life with him but I also thought sex was definitely a mutually wanted/needed interaction for us both.. He thought he was but over the years and lots of reflection, he's not so sure. He knows he loves me deeply and he feels very romantic towards me yet.. his need for actual sex just isn't that big of a deal for him. If not for me, he'd not even think about it. That's a huge heavy weight to shoulder. I try to see his perspective and feel complimented by it. That I'm the only person who actually sets him off at all- but it usually just feels like I'm too much and a burden on him. That I'm best to take my needs elsewhere. That hurts. Not sure what to do.. 😢

[@fordfarmer6465]

Preach. I’m with ya.

[@Pamlicojdjdj1487]

Same boat here but I am the allo/sexual male in the marriage. Reach out if you want to talk.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

​@@Pamlicojdjdj1487sorry you're in this boat. No words of wisdom just sorry.

[@perrinaybara8048]

Hi I'm an alosexual (male) who is considering getting into a relationship with an asexual (female) There are a couple of problems I see so far, firstly and most obviously the lack of sex, although while I have a high sex drive I don't actually act on it all that often. Secondly and more prominent in my mind is I'm quite a bit older than her, about 10 years, this is more of a social concern as couples with large age gaps draw social stigma and I don't want her judged or hurt because of it. Finally the most selfish concern I have is simple, I don't want to be hurt. I'm concerned that she will grow tired of me, we have been friends for a while, though not overly close as I keep my distance from most. I'm old enough and self aware enough to know part of what I feel is lust, but also know that I find it painful not talking to her or being round her, I feel happier just knowing she's there and that scares me, I haven't felt this way in a very long time, even with sexual partners. I'm honestly not sure what to do, but I know I don't want to be without her in my life. Ps sorry for the poor grammar this is just all kind of spilling out

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hi Perrin, thank you for being brave enough to share all of this. It terms of lack of sex, it's the question of whether you could truly live without it in a relationship. If you're not missing it now, you need to ask yourself if you could live without it forever, if they never wanted that in a relationship, Some people can, as they believe being with that unique specific person is what's most important, and there is always masturbation, others can't in the end and grow frustrated and have resentment. I personally don't care about age and like younger guys, and I couldn't care less if society doesn't like it. I don't live my life by society's rules. I can't speak for her, but she might not care about age anyhow or might like a more mature guy who is not going to mess her around and who genuinely seems to love and care about her - but it means you need to be vulnerable and open yourself up more to her. You need to be prepared to do what scares you in this way. What we truly desire is often on the other side of fear. All healthy relationships require vulnerability, they require opening up and exposing parts of you that no one else gets to see, and parts of yourself that you may have chosen to hide or run away from. It's that ultimate connection that everyone often seeks but is scared of. This could be to do with your attachment style, if you have had any past relationship trauma or care giving trauma - such as neglect or inconsistency, it requires deep introspection and reflection, and takes work to be the best you can be, in a relationship with yourself and/or someone else, to make sure you are as ready as you can be for that relationship. Sounds like you are a conscious guy who could nail this with some work. No one is perfect and you don't have to be. You can work on yourself still in the relationship too, to be less avoidant and closed off emotionally and more vulnerable, if you think you love her or you are close to feeling that way, then go for it, explain exactly how you feel and see what she says. Asexuals find it hard to find someone suitable for a relationship, so the fact she already knows you and likes you, is a good sign it could be more..

[@Pamlicojdjdj1487]

These relationships are inherently incompatible and don’t really work at their core.

[@mikapettersennomura]

not for me. married twice.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hi Mika - I can relate to you. I haven't been married and don't want to get married. If a guy wants to be with me then it would be a sexless relationship and he would know that, and I want monogamy so better suited to an asexual guy. Being married to a sexual wgo wants or expects sex - would be no good for me.

[@Dakooterz]

I'm allo sexual and about to date an asexual, but I do not feel sexual attraction her, and I don't really care about sex because of past trauma so I think it'll work out!

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hi Stardreamers, well on the one hand that sounds amazing and I am super pleased for you, it sounds like it might be an amazingly good relationship, however, I am concerned that you still seem to have unresolved past trauma, I hope you continue to work on this because it's important you heal yourself as much as possible, and that your motive for wanting to date an asexual person is more about the person they are and the connection you have with them, than the healing you need to do, so the relationship is a healthy one. Xx Hugs

[@Dakooterz]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife no its not my motivation. I genuinely like them!

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@Dakooterz Hi Stardreamers, really happy to hear this. Hope you continue to work through your trauma too. Most of us have some trauma to work through and that is also a journey of life. Wishing you huge success for this to turn into a wonderful relationship for you both.

[@kellabdjfoo]

im aroace and i think this kinda of relationship could work with lots of communcation and trust. communication in the beginning of what both people want from it

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Thank you for sharing your point of view. I think that's very important to establish needs up front. I'm glad to see an aroace point of view on this.

[@gcaplan1]

Is it common for asexual women to be fine with partner just watching porn to meet their physical urges ?

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Although I don't know of any survey that's been done on this and I guess it depends on if the asexual watches porn or not themselves, I wouldn't say it's common - at least it's not something I've heard mentioned. I personally hate porn and consider that cheating. I would say it's more common for asexuals to expect and accept, their partner will masturbate themselves to relieve their sexual urges, but not every asexual is comfortable with even that. I would be fine with that, but wouldn't personally like it, if they were watching porn while doing it. It would be interesting if a survey was done on this, but grey asexuals are far more likely to accept this than pure asexuals, so unless there was an equal amount of both doing it, I don't think it would be a fair outcome.

[@gcaplan1]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife what about masturbating to their asexual partner naked and in room ? My asexual gf doesn’t mind my masturbation and has and will assist if I request but I know it doesn’t do anything for her so I let her be and she lets me be . I think it’s a trust thing also she knows I love her and would t leave or cheat and porn is just a man easy outlet

[@katarellanes5421]

Hello, thanks for the video. Do asexuals not like any form of intimacy? My wife's barely even lets me cuddle her now thats she's out. Im not asexual at all and i do have trouble meeting new people since im a quiet guy

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Thanks for your question. Many asexuals do enjoy other forms of intimacy that are not sexual. Many like cuddling, some like kissing, many love through emotional connection/intimacy. If they are a non-romantic asexual - they would be less likely to need as much physical affection. And as other forms of physical intimacy could lead to sex, if they feel any pressure in that way, that might put them off. I would suggest talking to your asexual wife and say you feel since she came out as asexual, there is a lack of other forms of intimacy and you miss that with her. And is there any forms of intimacy she still likes and enjoys with you, because you feel disconnected from her otherwise. If you're in a monogamous relationship, why would you consider looking outside the relationship to meet someone else? 🤔

[@ISEEKSPACE]

Asexuals love intimacy and romance--I'm one. I can even enjoy sex from time to time it's just not necessary for me as much as it is for a sexual person. In truth, it is 't necessary for me at all, but I can have it spaced out with time in-between. A sexual could be at a 10 and I could be at a 3--but, if I can communicate what my needs are at the time and they can tell me theirs, I can meet them, not a 10, but maybe a 6-7. And if I feel comfortable enough with my partner, I can reach sex at a 10 just not often. Ya know? It just depends on your relationship and your partner. Some asexuals aren't sexual at all, but that would be something that would need to be established from the beginning of your relationship.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@ISEEKSPACE Thanks for contributing to this conversation. It always heard when an asexual discovers and comes out as asexual - when they are already in a relationship or married, as appears to be the case above, but I agree with you - otherwise these things should be established and talked about up front. Thanks for sharing abut your personal asexual sexual experience. In my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories best selling book, there are also some asexuals who participate in sex. Some negotiate times to have sex or how frequently they do it.

[@67jade]

I just want to say that for me, it is not that complicated. If you have established that you are Asexual and not into intimacy of any kind, then you should not get into a relationship with someone who has a healthy sex drive. And for those who are open to some form of intimacy, be up front with your needs, let your partner know how much you are willing to do, and of course, compromise must not be one sided. It is unfair to expect your partner to be the one making all the sacrifices adjusting to your lifestyle, the relationship should not be that one sided. If within the marriage one person reaises that they are Asexual, you need to find some common ground that does not require the spouse with a healthy sex drive to make all the adjustments and compromises. Marriage is give and take, the Asexual person also has to show their spouse that regardless, their feelings are also important.​@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife

[@duedate2811]

I am asexual and just know about it recently. I love cuddling ang kissing lightly on the lips and nothing more. Coming out as asexual to my husband comes with guilt coz all our sexual engagements he took all the efforts. Now that I am aware I make sure that his needs will be meet coz before I just don't care.

[@ladyJustis]

I think I'm living with an ace now.. hes wonderful in so many ways but...😪

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Well it’s good he is wonderful in so many ways, just ask him how he feels about things...

[@OliverJazzz]

Nope.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

I understand your feeling. x

[@orlandocagurangan]

May I ask you something is sexual attraction same as arousal?

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hi Orlando, no it's not the sane thing and for some people both go together, and for others they don't. This is something I talk about in my Asexual Perspectives book. I also ask 46 other Asexuals their personal perspective on what the difference is between sexual attraction and arousal - and sexual attraction and sexual desire. Have you got a copy of it yet? I think it will really help you.

[@orlandocagurangan]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife I don't have a copy but idk why do I feel arouse when I feel aesthetically attracted to persons faces and I feel aesthetic attracted and arousal at the same time when someone have a good looks instead of having arouse on boobs, butt, penis, woman's leg ect. I might be aegosexual and also I have low sexual desire and sexual contact especially sexual attraction.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@orlandocagurangan Thanks for sharing. So you aren’t turned on by sexual parts. Asexuality is a journey of discovery which can take time. And I mentioned the book as it's got real life stories you will likely relate to and knowledge and experience that can help you to answer these questions and know you are not alone, that's why I wrote it. It busts through a lot of myths and stereotypes about asexuality.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@orlandocagurangan Have you had a doctor test you for hormone imbalance? Hormone imbalance isn't the same as being asexual but some asexuals do get aroused and there isn't anything wrong with that. Although usually their arousal is not aimed at anyone, or it doesn't make them feel sexual attraction or want sex (if they're a pure asexual especially) - whereas with a sexual person it would.

[@orlandocagurangan]

My update It was just hormone change but don't feel the high lvl of arouse anymore and I'm getting back to normal I identify as aroace before this happened. And 1 more question about you: Are you aromantic? Also I'm aroace

[@joarcokru]

Isn't it the same level of violence (something similar to gay curing therapy) to make an allosexual give up sex as make an asexual have sex?

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

No one should be making anyone do anything. If an allosexual wants to be in a relationship with a sex repulsed asexual, and not have sex, that is their choice. They also have a choice not to be. But making someone have sex is rape and sexual abuse - not having sex is not rape or sexual abuse, so it's definitely not the same. It's not an act of violence not having sex and it's not an act of abuse either.

[@joarcokru]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife That is a very valid point and I agree with you. Forced relations and psychological abuse is rape. But I wouldn't go so far as calling abuse when some sex repulsed asexual willingly endures sex with a partner just to please him or her. Just look at the numerous quasi-sexless marriages that exist with perfectly happy couples. All I am trying to say, albeit making an exageration, is that both sides should be ready to make concessions and each arrangement is decided by the pair. It should not be a maxim that only the allosexual should be ready to change his or her sexuality.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@joarcokru whether you have sex or you don't have sex, it doesn't change your sexuality. If for example, a heterosexual choses to be in a relationship with an asexual without sex, it doesn't stop them being heterosexual, they are just abstaining from sex. If an asexual decides to have sex with a heterosexual, it doesn't stop them being asexual. No one has to make concessions, they can choose not to be together. Not all asexuals are sex repulsed. If someone is sex repulsed and they hate sex, why would anyone who says they love them, want them to have sex with them knowing this? That's not love. And knowing they aren't enjoying it, why would any person want to put them through that ordeal, for the sake of squirting some fluid?

[@joarcokru]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife ​ Of course no one is forced to be together. But if they decide to be together concessions will have to be made (as in all relationships). My point is that the effort allosexuals need to abstain from sex is the same as the effort asexuals need in order to have sex.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@joarcokru you can't get pregnant from not having sex. You can't get an STI or an STD from not having sex. You aren't abusing your body by not having sex. You are not repulsed by not having sex, as you are not having it every minute of every day. As a sex repulsed asexual myself, I would want to find an asexual guy for a relationship rather than a heterosexual guy, but none of the last heterosexual guys I dated ever asked me for sex or even saw me naked. I told them upfront I am asexual and hate sex and wouldn't be doing that. If a heterosexual guy couldn't live without sex ever and be happy about it in a monogamous relationship, then he shouldn't be with me and should find a heterosexual girl for himself. I personally would not abuse my body by having sex when I don't want it. I can't bring myself to do that at all these days. It's up to others what they do. But I wouldn't compromise myself, my boundaries, or who I am. I would rather be single.

[@jamiesexton2522]

19 years without sex more than 20 times or so. It's really damaged me, even though I went without sex willingly.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

How has it damaged you?

[@jamiesexton2522]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife I am monogamous like you, so I cannot have an open relationship. However, going without sex this long has caused me to feel like an unattractive blob. I developed an eating disorder over it. I hope this helps someone out there who thinks they can ignore their own biological drive --- I think you are right, asexuals can't make themselves have sex any more than bisexuals like me can make themselves feel ok about not having it. Someone is going to lose, even if we love the partner.

[@jamiesexton2522]

@@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife I hope we can both find paths to happiness. :)

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@jamiesexton2522 I'm so sorry you developed an eating disorder over it. I think it's amazing you haven't cheated. What about mastubation, is that not satisfying enough for you? I presume you do that if you have a high sex drive?

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

@@jamiesexton2522 I do too. Thanks for understanding me. It really is difficult when 2 people are just so very different and have incompatible needs.

[@user12259]

My partner and I discussed over this topic for almost a year and we are still struggling to find a common ground. We could figure out that my partner is asexual. We have love and care in our relationship but many times not having sexual intimacy creates chaos. I used to feel unwanted and neglected but over time I have understood that its not the lack of love but the sexual orientation. However, I feel the need to have the sexual intimacy as masturbation makes me feel more bad about the situation. It makes me worry of not being able to have kids and sorrow in future. Sometime I think of having sexual relationship outside but I just can't do it as there is love in my relationship. Don't know how to come to a common ground in this situation as we have had lots of conversation between us and its not helping.

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

No one should stay in a relationship that makes them miserable. Have you asked if they want kids? And would you both be happy to have those without sex? Such as through IVF or adoption? If you want kids and they don't ever want them, unless you change your mind on that and decide being with your partner and all the love that goes with that is rare, precious and special, and more important than being without them and having kids with someone else, then you aren't compatible to stay in a relationship with each other. If you see what you have with your partner is more valuable than being without them, and you focus on what you have, not what you don't have, then the relationship should improve, but if you are denying your own needs and you know the truth deep down is that you will never be happy and satisfied in the relationship, then you won't be able to stay together and it's best to own up to that, rather than prolonging the agony of staying in a relationship in which you know it's not right for you. In life, you either have to change the way you view a situation, or you change the situation itself, to be happy.