CHAPTER MASTER CHEF TIERLIST | Astartes Anonymous Podcast #31

[@Aravaganthus]

"Helbrecht is not a gravel-eater". I'm sorry, have you heard that man's voice? Gravel is like 90% of his diet, the other 10% rusty sawblades

[@magpieinthelibrary5691]

One of the first things said about him in Helsreach. Is that his voice sounds like gravel from all the commands and screaming he does.

[@lumber-smack410]

Dude's ordered by TTS Emperor to eat an entire basket of lozenges. He would eat all the gravel in the galaxy in the name of the Emperor for sure

[@hobozero]

Sounds like Tom Waits if he ate cigarettes for breakfast. Which is saying something, cause Tom Waits already sounds like he eats a pack of cigarettes for breakfast

[@dr.stronk9857]

The idea of Tyberos cooking food by making the food afraid of him is hilarious lmao

[@240Ldemon]

So they completely missed the point on Dante. In his early years, either he or one of his brothers killed a bunch of civilians after giving in to the red thirst, so he swore off drinking blood for over a thousand years. His servant was so old that Dante had given him servants to do his job. The servant knew drinking blood would strengthen Dante and saw the stress he was under leading up to the Devastation of Baal, and knew drinking blood would strengthen him. So the servant slashed his own wrists, with his dying words, told Dante that if he didn't drink his blood, his death would then be meaningless. All this to say, Dante spent over 1000 years, dealing with an eternally persistent hunger that he is fighting to control. Dante may very well the best chef in the entire Imperium, and has perfected the art of cooking steak.

[@MrBlueBurd0451]

This. Dante is unquestionably the best chef in the list.

[@dakotasargent8459]

Space wolves have huge kitchens in their monastery, and in the Lukas the Trickster book we see the kitchen masters will tell off a space wolf if they're messing around in there. Of everyone they've gotta be able to cook because they actually love to feast and party, and you gotta have good food for that

[@basteala525]

Azrael knows the Krabby Patty secret formula.

[@punkasslily]

i agree with this

[@macewindu3492]

So does Gabriel Angelos. But he knows it because he stole it

[@chriswhite1819]

Imperial fists are definitely bakers. Just imagine the gingerbread houses you would see if you turned a company of them loose in a kitchen...

[@mk-v4660]

house? DAMN FORTRESS

[@toxos265]

Shrike (Raven Guard) is so sneaky that they forgot he exists

[@grmpynrthmn5371]

It's canon.

[@zsomborvarga9392]

Okay I know that Tom meant calories but my autism doesn demands me to say it. URANIUM DOES NOT HAVE ANY CARBOHYDRATES IN IT IT'S AN ELEMENT Thank you for coming to my rant

[@khylerbane4523]

1:11:50 40k already has a Gordon Ramsey esk character, his name is Purturabo.

[@Fritz-co4pb]

Imagine being called donkey right before getting your head crushed for telling him that the pasta was overcooked

[@hikaru248x]

49:45 While you guys are generally quite justified in your comments about the Space Wolves, I want to bring up the fact that the Wolves are about the only Chapter that has actual food at their feasts (looking at you Blood Angels...) As for the Primarch therapy: Guilliman. I's start by handing him a carton of cigarettes, a CD with Microsoft Office 2005, and an one of those bright yellow " For Dummies" books. Finish the session with a pat on the pauldron and a heartfelt word of encouragement. Boom, just started the Second Golden Age of Humanity.

[@azurewraith2585]

Not only do the white scars know Mongolian bbq they’ve also got…fast food

[@MootsTheFunnySwede]

ffs lmao

[@cyrusmann5443]

bm bm pshh

[@joshmerchant8737]

meals on wheels

[@scaryraptor5168]

These cracked tier lists are what I live for they’re so funny

[@cyrusmann5443]

counterargument to logan not being able to cook, in order to not get food poisoning from what you would cook if you were a viking, you would have to prepare the food well.

[@plasmakitten4261]

he deserved his own tier, instead of "can operate a microwave", "can make a fire with sticks"

[@NastyStankyChicken]

If anyone on this list could cook like a pro it'd be Dante, Blood Angels are all artistisans they are amazing at all forms of art and Dante has lived over 1500 years now. He'd make Gorden Ramsey look like an amateur.

[@ЕгорБольшаков-ы2я]

Calgar is an S-tier-period for Russians 'cause Ultramarine chant "Agitatis Ultramarini, Dominitis Ultramarini" literally mishears by us as "Oh, we cooked a marvelous soup; oh, we made a great soup, eat soup, hot soup"😅

[@aownbey609]

Its not that Angelos of the Blood Ravens cant cook, the problem is you cant let him cook. Every time he goes to open the oven hes some how opened a portal to The Warp

[@KillerOrca]

And he has to fight the demon thar comes out with his stolen Deamonhammer

[@aguspuig6615]

BRO CALGAR HAS NO HANDS, HE HAS NO FUCKING HANDS blud can NOT cook. Remember that goofy ass comic in question? he needs help pressing buttons because he got no HANDS he just has two powerfists

[@Fritz-co4pb]

Iron fists would make you a cake that you break your teeth on because they reinforced it with actual rebar

[@nikolthomas2544]

Hardtack "cake"

[@tuskedclover3308]

They have fortified this cake

[@alexandrudorries3307]

Tiberos the Red Wake should have gotten a tier all to himself called “Raw & Wriggling.”

[@MrBlueBurd0451]

'Good vet can save it'

[@Sabert00thsa]

I feel like the Iron Hands and Dark Angels would both be MRE coneseurs.... Cause you just gotta add water to a chemical heater.

[@abdulhaseebsaggu683]

Bro Ramsay in Terminator armour looks like a menace

[@khylerbane4523]

Isn’t that just Perturabo?

[@Jfk2Mr]

I'd argue that Raptors are guys that can unironically eat the shittiest MREs, bah, that's staple of their diet - they know how to heat their meals (be it microwave, fuel tablets or regular campfire), but they can't cook anything more complicated than water.

[@khylerbane4523]

“Everyone dig in, if you can. These waffles are quite well fortified.” -Local Imperial Fist

[@tuskedclover3308]

Your funny little fort is being sieged bloodbag

[@ChystAtWork]

So a friend linked me this out of pure spite just so it would be my first video of yours that I have ever seen, and I think that the Night Lord not introducing himself was very lore-accurate and acceptable

[@TRNGesus]

This is legit the first episode, i don't know who the blue guy is, I'm here from youtube shorts. I feel attacked right now, though its much more gentle an attack then i thought I'd get from the Imperium

[@georgereimers5269]

Dante not being at least ginuwine chef is a travesty he's an artist and is one of the only space Marines you see eating and enjoying food in most of the books he's in

[@林家崴]

The Raptor Chapter probably eats exclusively MRE though. Plus they eat it cold because heating the MRE up is gonna put out heat signature and give away their position.

[@averageeughenjoyer6429]

unlike those massive power generators

[@Sercotani]

@@averageeughenjoyer6429 thanks for making my day rofl

[@wiktorsierakowski1022]

I’m sorry, but doesn’t Calgar have two massive power fists for hands? Because if yes, then he would be a fucking terrible chef.

[@droopybg]

But he would make the best schnitzel.

[@wiktorsierakowski1022]

@@droopybg but would he put it on a pan? Even more important, would he take it out of the pan?

[@droopybg]

​@wiktorsierakowski1022 he would make the proper way, with oil.and butter. He would simply skip any cooking utensils and just use his fists

[@atpsoldat6108]

The Space Wolf segment rivals Mr. Bone’s segment on Magnus.

[@q-tip9962]

I firmily believe that the Emperor's Spears are Ultramarines successors, they may not act it like our bureaucratic blueberries, but I feel that they portray the side of Guilliman that he keeps under wraps. The Spears are Guilliman's savagery, those moments where Bobby G's emotions have gotten the better of him and all rules and formalities are cast to the wind. It frustrates me that people forget how much of a savage Guilliman can be and only as the "weak" Primarch who never wins fights. I cant exactly blame them for thinking that but its like Tom and "I am Alpharius" memes; the meme has proliferated so much that it undercuts the actually really cool stuff that people dont really know about because "Haha, avenging bean-counter". All I am trying to get at is just because Rou-boogie tends to be very calm, logistical, and a dull at times it does not change the fact that he punched a hole through a word bearer out of sheer rage after being in the vacuum of space. And while its not confirmed, I think its great for Ultramarines to have a successor chapter that really break that blueberry mold.

[@michaelcollins4534]

Im just saying Tyberos would bring those incredible island flavors that cannot be matched. My man was slandered hard

[@definitelynotanork9520]

Damn really gonna do ravenguard dirty like that. I see how it is

[@aguspuig6615]

The salamander guy has the best food for the same reason everyone's grandma makes the best food simultaneously, its just made with love

[@ravenniwolvarious8801]

Think as one of Guilimans sons that Calgar would be a genuine chef. After all Guiliman wanted all of his Legion to be more so diplomats, chefs etc. Can't imagine the Codex is the only book he wrote, Guilimans version of Mary Berry's cook book would be a culinary odyssey and well known across the Chefing world of the Imperium. Great content fellas as always.

[@hillbillywizard497]

The Chapter Master of the Lamentors being killed by the microwave honestly makes sense. Because the Lamentors are the type of Space Marine to develop cancer, and it would make sense for my precious and sad banana bois.

[@notyourmi6agent508]

With how much red hates Logan I would think he's a thousands.

[@barrydalton4743]

Given how the Crimson Fist celebrate annually of their foundation (least prior to the WAAAGH of Rynns World), I definitely believe Kantor can absolutely cook a meal for all those in celebration. The Crimson Fists are nothing if not very cultured for a Chapter

[@Rexwar31]

Here I am tuning in for the first time and this blue guy just insults me. I am all in on this.

[@Enderc14]

23:20 as a representative from the iron hands we will be taking azraels air frier praise the omnissiah

[@alexdoak3777]

I think that they did Malakim Phoros dirty because if they are getting rid of plot armor they should also get rid of plot nakedness.

[@wolf2403]

1:27:15 For blood angels (cuz I like my fleshtearers), "Take to the Sky" by Van Canto.

[@ethantindall6730]

Incredibly funny that this is the first episode I've watched and have found out simultaneously who each of the guys are and that I don't matter lmfao.

[@DeltaBoss429]

“No ones is gonna tune into this as their first episode…” I beg to differ blue guy I don’t know at the time of this message.

[@nikolthomas2544]

Salamanders would cook everything in smokers and grills

[@12coudak000]

Gordon to Flesh eaters: Is this decapitated head fresh? Astartes: Its frozen, brother. Gordon: Fucking hell... Astartes: were sorry chef Gordon: A chapter in the year 40 000 cant prepare fresh bodies? DISASTER! SHUT THE CHAPTER DOWN!

[@aguspuig6615]

As a Spaniard ill gladly take the massive culinary W. I will also have good faith that you arent thinking of ''tacos and enchiladas'' as spanish quisine

[@travisdooley8053]

Im not much of a taco guy but enchiladas are amazing.

[@grantbourgeois2436]

An imperial fist being a master pastry chef does make alot of sense

[@greg_mca]

The space wolves love their massive feasts and big food enjoyers like that they would absolutely know how to make a killer roast. Grimnar as well has been chapter master for over 700 years so he has definitely had a lot of practice. However he'd probably be outdone by wolf lord Gunnar Red Moon because that is a man who loves his feasts so much it's remarked upon even above other space wolves. Best crackling and pulled pork sandwiches in the galaxy right there

[@Mr.Praetor]

Gabriel Angelos should be in "Can no Cook" because the Blood Ravens do not cook. They just steal all the food they need!

[@thegoon3840]

Whose hate is stronger? Red’s hate for Logan Grimnar/the space wolves Vs Arthur’s hatred for Magnus the red

[@alexs.9647]

I mean come on. Space Wolves literally held a feast for weeks after the passing of a Long Fang. If you held a feast for WEEKS that food must’ve been culinary perfection. 😂 And they are master brewers too.

[@JoelTheKven]

Tibrus really should be in "cannot cook", I imagine he just kills and eats as 1-2 process.

[@wolf2403]

14:10 "no need to tell me twice" honestly he'd probably hop in so he can eat the meat while it cooks.

[@VoltSulf01]

Next episode idea. Primarchs who are best at video and board games.

[@jonwest3136]

Have you ever eaten a tangerine

[@sirkelendor5429]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

[@michaelschroeder7953]

I love the nurgling under the chef hat

[@judeblack4360]

Logan Grimnar would probably eat surströmming unironically. This alone is grounds to file him under Actual Gravel Eater.

[@DaveMcMuffin]

Gregor Desian, chapter master of my boys the imperial fists has in fact 3 sentences of lore according to lexicanum. There are no books, there is nothing on him other than he was, before becoming the chapter master, the captain of the 7th company. Please James Workshop Give him something, anything to tell us why this supposedly badass man is badass.

[@KillerOrca]

Something tells me he'll be replaced in thr next codex, he Fists have an annoying tendency not to keep Chaptet Masters around

[@hikaru248x]

I'm a minute in, and I have to say Tom, best intro yet.

[@garyniusaernasea6698]

One of the lost Primarch *Gordonus Ramstein*

[@DetectiveLance]

I see the problem: there is a fuxking VAST gulf between being Competent in the Kitchen and being a Genuine Chef. Should have included Short Order Cook between those two.

[@madison_russell04]

I'd say Tyberos would be bad at almost everything... but he is the sushi master.

[@xander6357]

I infact tuned in to this episode as my first one eheheh

[@Aaron-io8vw]

Vulkan Tu'shan is a expert at cooking Aeldari

[@yohanmendis6881]

I am that person that watching this video as my first video from this channel

[@MegaNocab]

Same

[@robertflynn4215]

Where's Kayvaan shrike chapter master of the XIX legion the raven guard 🧐

[@LordCrate-du8zm]

He’s too stealthy

[@sirkelendor5429]

They forgot about us, like everyone does

[@definitelynotanork9520]

He’s in red’s walls

[@robertflynn4215]

The Moritat Protocol brother's......... victorus Aut Mortis.

[@nicholascarman5907]

Nostramocels be seething over Baalchads

[@brycethebattlephoenix3720]

Dorn being a baker is hilarious

[@Kma99107]

Makes sense high in carbs, quick to make, and good for any meal

[@brycethebattlephoenix3720]

@@Kma99107 oh just you wait

[@jakebaczik7785]

Azreal's boss of beef wellington

[@slammgames7425]

lmaooo even this podcast forgets about the raven gaurd

[@villusion6186]

this is in fact my first episode

[@trassshwizzard]

​@@nolanbaker2360 It's not nice to lie to people dude

[@Sharksvsnids]

Gabriel seth doesn't microwave his meat. That man eats everything raw

[@Jfk2Mr]

At least he knows how to do tatare

[@matthewpost7088]

Microwave meat!?

[@JWat-ko1hr]

HA! "Actually killed by microwave". I'm taking this as canon.

[@mateojuarez9191]

The next tier list is "which xenos taste like chicken"

[@khylerbane4523]

Tyranids probably

[@crocidile90]

Most definitely the Kroot

[@Drunkle2552]

Why is red not wearing an apron made out of skin????

[@khylerbane4523]

KZbin reasons.

[@crocidile90]

I mean the letters and splatter is all blood anyways

[@BladeEdge93]

I am in fact that one person that randomly picked this as the first episode to watch. Who is that one blue guy?

[@MaceHead117]

funnily enough this IS my first episode

[@Aaron-io8vw]

Azrael likely does know how to cook but does not get a lot of practice because the Watchers in the Dark so all the cooking at the Rock as part of their roommate agreement with the chaprer.

[@aownbey609]

Not that anyone besides him would know, because as soon as they're done eating he tells Azmodie to make them repent

[@manigros4348]

I am just going to say that I tuned in for this as my first episode and I have NO IDEA who the blue Nightlord Guy is, that said, that this exact situation would not happen!

[@jeremycollins8851]

Astarion Moloch is like how to basic. He starts out with well enough but then just absolutely loses the plot ten seconds in

[@michaelcollins4534]

Yeah but when he puts that gyro in front of you it probably slaps hard

[@jeremycollins8851]

@@michaelcollins4534 I think he more so slaps you with the gyro

[@Icspiders247]

Blood Ravens steal all the recipes

[@shadowrobot7708]

I think Calgar should rank lower because he lost both his hands and they needed to be replaced with prosthetics. Space wolves should be in can’t cook

[@jonopants5118]

I was that 1 person TT but that intro was really fking good

[@CadeBrown-ux9tt]

Are you going to do with the chaos boys too?

[@AngryHomunculus]

I just realised you guys missed Kayvaan Shrike

[@nicholaspayne2912]

Of course, no one can see him.

[@luckyomen]

Dante would be eating oatmeal and prune juice, he's old as hell.

[@dragonjaj]

That intro was fucking fire

[@BrotherValtus-yeeter_of_stone]

Dante is the guy to eat a five day old caesar salad

[@fallenprince1501]

*"Hey, this actually is my first episode after seeing a few KZbin shor-"* 3:09 : (

[@elliotthaupts8934]

Helbrecht should be in competent in the kitchen at least, as a neophyte one of his duties would have been to cook and wait at feasts for the initiates and veterans

[@Sharksvsnids]

Tyberos is clearly a blender ;)

[@jaradtaylor6144]

Tyberos, snuck his plot armor in.

[@onlyxenolord7494]

I feel like Tyberose would know his way around a sushi platter.

[@mrcrowley8889]

That intro was a chefs kiss😂

[@Zivon96]

This video is absolute KZbin slop... Now do it again for Chaos Space Marine warlords

[@kcmadhatter_4235]

Best intro ever

[@dillgear7171]

I like to imagine they are cooking ina normal sized kitchen and they keep breaking stuff and Gordon is having a stroke on the floor screaming about lamb sauce

[@woundedzilla1517]

“I am Unicron… and you… are a whale”

[@TruemperJohn]

Hold up, how exactly is Calgar supposed to cook? The Swarmlord cut off both of his arms, the Fists of Macragge are his hands now. How do you expect him to even use a microwave with those robomittens?

[@horsenuggets1018]

Use a Ultramicrowave

[@crissanti8206]

Or command a human

[@AsianPlagueDoctor]

That intro was 10/10. VERY well done Edit: oh I could have done a better pun there Edit: I like the "Trust the chef" Edit: yoooo there's a little plague guy under the hat