Healing From Codependency | Chosen Family Podcast

[@littleshadow7706]

"Get a job queer" you really do sound like my parents lol

[@KittyRoyalty777]

I'm dead😂

[@bripk9598]

I was about to say something similar lol

[@Abisolutelyfabulous]

Every time Ashley does the "hey you little thieving orphan bish pos" I get a tingle in my heart. Please never stop.

[@ashgavs]

a tingle?

[@thedarknessherself3454]

@@ashgavsoop

[@gil8548]

Thank you so much Ashley, Alayna, Mak for being willing to share yourselves with us. Knowing that when Wednesday comes I will be smiling constantly as I watch you makes the week that much easier.

[@circleofleaves2676]

For co-dependency, this should be a person's reminder mantra: "You fuse, you lose".

[@thebooksgirl]

this is such a good takeaway!!

[@Louize-Poggie]

steven universe fans foaming at the mouth right now

[@circleofleaves2676]

@@Louize-Poggie I had no idea who/what steven universe was when i made my "you fuse, you lose" comment

[@Isa_may]

Mak’s reaction to Alayna saying she will do good it school reminded me so much of Ken’s iconic ‘thank you barbie’

[@bogboybogboybogboyb]

As a polyam person, I do think at least two of my exes would realize they are not actually polyamorous if they started the right medication 😅

[@shae113]

After getting out of a long-term co-dependent poly-situationship, having a solid sense of self was key. I have read "Co-dependent no more", the self-studies at the end of chapters was super helpful. I needed to actually think about "what do I actually want/like?" and determine those kind of things for myself without somebody else's input/influence. It came down to thinking about what food do I like (I would have anxiety attacks if I wasn't 100% sure they would like what I bought for us), what activities do I want to do (I was always going along for the ride, but never did anything that was my own idea) and once I went through kind of my own inventory, then I had to start applying it. The hardest thing for me was then to realize that I needed to start saying no when I genuinely didn't want to do something or stick up for my thoughts on topics when it disagreed with their opinion. It was so hard because it absolutely led to stress in the relationship. When I was no longer a doormat/maid/chef/therapist for them, it showed me how much I needed to leave that situation. A couple years out, it feels so much better to know myself and be able to stand on my own, especially in a relationship.

[@mariannetfinches]

I've never heard the technical definition of codependency before. Thanks for the learning! Also I can't believe Alayna managed to keep that bowl of water warm for a whole week!

[@tambob82]

She harbored it in 2 Ziplocs in her armpits.

[@megggiezombie]

i swear alayna i have a breakthrough every week listening to your therapy sessions

[@kaelapeterson3524]

I love Ashley starting to sing No Doubt and then doubting people will know the song “bathwater”

[@karisfunkartist]

I caught the No Doubt reference!

[@Safi-Dee]

Came to the comments for this 😅

[@letiziadroghetti3762]

The better help ad that starts right when Mak is being gaslighted is next level funny

[@katiee6381]

The funniest thing is mak trying to remember the link to patreon, its so funny omg 😂😂 xx love the show

[@twildabuckingham]

😂 she nearly said it twice, and no one noticed because the bit was too fun

[@bekahharmon8658]

I got invited to a codependency no more book club literally this morning so this coming out now feels targeted

[@tomatosoup4641]

Hahahahah

[@SpaceyD]

Okay, my favorite Chosen Family moment/s has to be Fulton's camera hogging and Mak's spot-on impression. Every time Fulton's eye occupies half of Ashley's frame, I reflect on Mak's impression and lol for real

[@VictorVonGrooove]

Another day with the family! Oh? Mom's gambling again with rings and there's still a massive amount of cat asshole? I missed you guys so much!!!

[@SalomeRaiszadeh]

Mak's "so what if I am?" got me

[@thebooksgirl]

same 😂

[@Mariethechaotic]

20:38 Have you read that book, Alayna? It's a lot more than that according to the author. You can be a codependent person without a partner. I have a lot of codependency issues. What Ashley is saying as I'm typing this is so true. When you put people's needs consistently above your own to the detriment of yourself. Melody Beattie who wrote the book says something that hit me so hard I was bawling listening to it. "We don't truly believe we deserve love so we settle for being needed".

[@JuMixBoox]

I'm sorry, Ashley, that you are having such a hard time with Sam moving away. I don't know what I would do if someone I am this close to moved multiple time zones away. Lucky that you are such an experienced traveller and already know how to maintain friendships long distance, as this podcast shows. I hope that this just makes the time you spend together more special and that your existing social network in New York City can make up for it a bit and give you a smooth transition. Also good luck to Mak! It isn't easy being in a new place and starting over from scratch, it can be very overwhelming. You definitely made a good call by focusing on the travel there and not adding additional things. Sometimes, you feel like there is a way to do things that means you aren't wasting that experience on yourself, and that's annoying. When I went to New York City for a week, I was mad at myself for using a day to rest while I was there because in my mind, optimising every minute of the trip to be the most productive and make the most use of it was what I owed that trip. I then figured out that what I owed myself was letting myself rest and take it in and have time to process and slow down. Maybe you could have driven to see Joshua tree, maybe that would have been exciting and amazing, but that wasn't the purpose your trip had and it didn't need to be. There's always another time and the one you had was enough. Also good luck to Alayna with her application! Good luck to all three of you, I'm looking forward to seeing you in Europe (where it is admittedly gloomy right now)!

[@stephtaylor6292]

Omg Mak got such a good dainty "him and hers" (or hers and hers) rings, kinda perfect. ✨✨✨

[@Chuberlovesguatemala]

Highlights for me 1) shoutout to Danni i really thought alayna was having codependency issues sucked me in. 2)maks reaction to alayna telling her she will do good in school 3) fizz asmr 4) the question and all yall being vulnerable about friends and sadness 5) Ashleys funny face gave off hardcore KEN vibes 6) ashleys aggression towards the patreon im always wanting more aggression hahah Good epsidoe you guys Awesome podcast

[@sergbastian5]

I caught the No Doubt song, Bathwater ;) That was such a great album.

[@swiftie4856]

Alayna’s fizzy bomb live was soooo good im living for these. I support the MLM that you’re falling in to Alayna

[@80islandia]

“When Southern Finch goes live I want to be there”… spit my morning tea at that. 😂🍵 Thanks guys!

[@ameliedelanuez4244]

Ashley screaming “GET A JOB QUEER!!” was the motivation I truly needed

[@jenconley6950]

When Ashley cries we all cry

[@MaeGal]

6:18 I feel you, Alayna. Same. I never tell! I just love knowing things others don’t. 😂

[@circleofleaves2676]

Ash, my heart goes out to you about Sam moving away. My best friend moved across the world, from Australia to the UK (I mean, hey, I did the same thing in 2008 for a couple of years). He's been back for a few years now, but as a neuroscientist in research he's periodically looking for jobs overseas. He has been my rock. I'm chronically ill and disabled, and I see him more than any of my other friends. My heart's going to break if he does move away again.

[@MitzyCat]

Fizz bomb engagement rings ftw

[@oakokapi]

Alayna is SO SMART

[@thebooksgirl]

YES

[@qaq8409]

I have been healing from a platonic codependency relationship which ended abruptly since they ghosted me (yep was hell for me) and the pod really makes me feel better. Thank you

[@bencampbell-bradley4063]

Ashley, I feel you on feeling sad about friends moving away. I'm having to leave all of my friends and family, my whole life that I spent the last 10 years building because of all the anti trans legislation in Kansas and Missouri. It's heartbreaking.

[@slightlycrunchygrass]

Ashley the way the light Is hitting your face in the episode makes me want to paint you. Loving the podcast so much, thanks to all three of you for this safe space!! 🧡🧡

[@jada.mar0489]

I would like to say thanks to Alayna miss southern finch popped up on my tiktok and I feel into the rabbit hole.

[@twildabuckingham]

45:33 cutest Ashley face ever

[@aquamarine3699]

Right?! 😂

[@angheldoza6613]

14:25 just noting down this timestamp in here so i can keep replaying it while i job hunt

[@sinaehb6965]

I have had a shitty week and really needed this

[@ericadecopas]

Jen's a celebrity here too, Ashley 😅

[@hannabeth151]

"mattia is the only one I have a secure attachment with" 🥺

[@hopedean3813]

MAK WE NEED MORE LIL VOICES I WAS CRY LAUGHING AT WORK

[@cicisbridgers]

0:47 stop- mak did the doll blink 😭😭😭 anyways such a funny podcast! highlight of my morning fr 😊

[@Krispypeppers]

Me, a complete stranger to you guys, getting wayyyy to excited at the idea of Ashley and Jen getting married ❤🥰😍

[@zazajf]

Currently on my THIRD flight home from Europe. I live at the bottom of Australia, so it takes 3 flights and we'll over 24 hours to travel to and from Europe. Absolutely worth it, obviously, but I do envy people who live in a place where they can just take a single flight and be in another country. All that to say, if you can, GO TO EUROPE. Make the most of how freaking easy it is for you.

[@liosgorf]

This episode inspired me to get a job and give to the Patreon. Well done Ashley, making those bucks.

[@tambob82]

FIZZY RINGS ALL DAY A DAY! Never seen it, but it looks like the oysters all over again. Alayna, you were born for this!

[@eyeseajujubee]

The highway/area Mak drove through is a lot of beautiful desert. I’m from Arizona 🌵 The cacti are all so pretty!!

[@taylorkills4711]

You three are such gems ❤

[@SpaceyD]

Omg I've been waiting for Ashley to come to Palm Springs! 🤸🏻💫🧡

[@enigmatic-hamster]

I still can’t believe Mak hasn’t gotten her passport done since last week. She’s had an entire week! /s

[@stephtaylor6292]

Haha omg Ashley, i have been in my "you are so bad at this, you just need to stop dating!" Era recently, for this exact reason. This saga is so relatable. 😂💚🤦‍♀️ ... Also again, im so sorry about Sam, thats huge! 💕

[@Mariethechaotic]

0:26 oh, I read that book... Well most of it. I procrastinated finishing it and then the (audible) library returned it.

[@TashaRansomArt]

It's almost like 2 was a good number to pick...😂

[@BeyondTheHorizon-hl4ql]

I felt Mak when it came to her being away from her sister during Christmas... It was also my first Christmas without my sister (who's also my bff) and it was the first time I didn't feel any "Christmas spirit"... It was just December 25

[@thebooksgirl]

Mak has such a unique opportunity with this move, i cant wait to see her flourish with the support of the queer community in LA!! 😍🎉 good luck, Mak!!

[@shobo4482]

for the codependency question, i'd also like to point out that it helps a ton to figure out WHY you're codependent. ie, where the trauma stems from. like, for example, i had a really codependent mindset and i recognized that it's because i was forced to take responsibility for my mum's emotions as a kid, due to her being really emotionally unstable. because of this, the belief that i was responsible for other people's emotions even when i'd done nothing wrong was subconsciously ingrained into my head. figuring this out helped a lot with the guilt that comes with being codependent and recognizing that it's a toxic trait. hope this helps

[@taylorkills4711]

LOL mak aging during her roadtrip, so relatable

[@isabelreigen8155]

Ashley, Bathwater by No Doubt. One of my favorite songs!

[@annemanalisay543]

Good morning everybody!! Great advice this week on individuality

[@kaiya33123]

Needed this today❤❤❤ Thank you all🥰

[@robynweyeneth1531]

Codependency is often one sided- a codependent person takes emotional responsibility over the other. We are usually attracted to emotional unavailable people and alcoholics/addicts lol. I’ve read codependency no more- it’s a good book and very eye opening. However - doesn’t solve much it’s hard to actively attract partners that won’t trigger this bc it’s so subconscious

[@Grounded_Gravity]

Yeah, I think therapy can be useful to put those learnings into practice and excavate the deeper issues involved. Because you're very right, just understanding the concepts isn't the same as putting the concepts into practice. And to your point there can be so much going on beneath the surface that needs to be worked out.

[@WearyVesper]

I did get the No Doubt reference Ashley although I wouldn't be true to the comment section if I didn't correct you, it's wash, not swim.

[@erinnorris]

Re: the bi/les women enjoying m/m porn - I found the video from Hannah Witton "Why Your Genitals and Brain Are Out of Sync" super interesting on the science behind the gender divides that happen with arousal/response to sexual stimuli! There's also a super interesting segment from a trans researcher in the video about some preliminary research into how those gender divides apply to transgender people. Would recommend!!

[@d3ndr0ph1l3]

14:25 felt like an attack 😭 but it’s true…but I um may need to get my license first (there’s no public transportation here) & this is my t-swift year I’m turning 22 & I don’t have a license. I’m feeding the stereotype of being gay & not being able to drive 😭

[@TheAnonyte]

just been watching some back episodes. so good.

[@scubagoldfish45]

Sending you a good vibes cake!! (I ordered it from Europe 😜)

[@nobarbie8748]

Now I need to read this book, it has been on my Tbr forever 😅

[@ajs6488]

Here when this video was released 5 hours ago. I was having a nap...now it's 11:01 PM

[@Mariethechaotic]

17:04 me too, Mac, me too

[@caitieberger]

this was such a good, insightful episode that really hit me hard in the best way. i will def be referring back to the conversations from this episode. thank you❤

[@alisontippett2618]

I have tickets to Ashley’s Boston show later this month and I hope to witness a fake proposal (no pressure though)

[@PizzaKiggy]

14:24 & 43:35 made me laugh so much 🤣

[@andrewz5981]

Mak was so cute when they called her baby and she blew up her face like a puffer fish

[@bajablastbisexuall]

As a hairdresser we do only have. One cut

[@Meyli1]

I think about forming a commune DAILY. No lie. I want all my friends around me, I want to see them all the time. If I become a multimillionaire I'm making it happen

[@treasure6883]

Right as I’m thinking “2 is actually really cool because it’s the only even pri-“ Ashley cuts in about it being a pick me 😂

[@mommyissuesmusic]

I miss Main Babes too!

[@narkolator]

Anyone in the comments ever read Polysecure by Jessica Fern? I feel like questions from the past couple episodes link right up with the ideas in that book.

[@elissajo3671]

Fantastic. I missed you guys lol

[@pedropartida4785]

Hey it would be cool if yall recreate the Blair and Chuck wedding from gossip girl lol

[@autumnguthrie3177]

I know the No Doubt reference Ashley.

[@mindofmisery3296]

NO DOUBT!!

[@juanalegrand8651]

I got the reference! Aguante No doubt!

[@faeriesandrainbows]

I remember "The Fosters" having an episode where their teen son finds their (lesbian moms) gay male smut video (trying to speak nicely for the ✨ algorithm ✨), and one of the moms explains that they like it because it's the opposite of what they do together: they experience softness (skin/curves) and mostly external pleasure whereas the men experience roughness (skin/angles) and mostly internal pleasure. Watching it mixes things up for them.

[@bripk9598]

Very teary episode. Like I know there's period stuff but I hope y'all are okay...

[@MichelleNeelinMedia]

Alayna needs to fizz 😆

[@IowaTrainGay]

If Alayna goes to visit Mak and Ashley and DOESN'T TAKE THE TRAINS DOWN TO LOS ANGELES I will be very disappointed. 😅😭

[@ttarotkidd]

Such a funny episode, ily guys

[@ROCKONplaceboforever]

So good 👏

[@skarlettomusic]

referencing No Doubt!? // bathwater... I think

[@megancurtis9502]

There's a good scene in the movie "The Kids Are All Right" where one of the lesbian parents' kids finds a gay p*rn tape and the mom tells them why they have it. Something about it being external and more real feeling like you talked about if I'm remembering correctly. Very funny and uncomfortable lol

[@albertqhumperdinck]

Happy new year, gay fam!

[@endertptm]

32:36 my partner says pap shmear lolol

[@stephben8042]

I’m getting twitter ads about weird rings now lmao

[@p0etrygh0st]

I have the book thing but for my Mum's dementia

[@aliviafletcher8926]

we had fizz bombs for dinner fr

[@canadianicedragon2412]

If ashley does do the fake tiktoks of proposals... make sure Jen says no to at least some if not all of them... it's for the views... Alayna is codependent with fizz bombs... just saying.

[@alexwhitelaw2003]

I'm sorry I do have jobs but I'm a student and volunteer when I'm quilfied and or get paid for anything I do I'll contribute to the family

[@joegoss30]

Mak missed the chance to call them "the rules of engagement."

[@endertptm]

I'm gonna race Mak to getting a passport

[@tobita49]

the multi proposal in Europe is cute.... ummm sorry Mak can't do its she doesn't have a passport ahahaha

[@AsiaTr3asur3]

I just want the rings for myself