Everything Wrong With Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets

What. A. Mess.
Thursday: Slightly-less-recent Sci-Fi sins.
Remember, no movie is without sin! Which movie's sins should we expose next?!
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[@torjones1701]

Wait... Wait... did it just say "it has traveled 700 million * * * MILES * * * since leaving earth orbit? So it has reached Saturn? and it's taken 400 years to do so? What's providing propulsion, people pissing out the airlock???

[@fasillimerick7394]

I went looking for comments about how, in space, traveling 700 miles is essentially walking from side of a small room to the other. Thank you.

[@Crymsyn9000]

Ok this made me literally LOL...god "pissing out the airlock", POA propulsion system XD

[@tartaroshero2070]

That was really annoying when I heard it in the theater. I hate it when stories just fart out a number.

[@ThisGuyMike]

Hell, it hasn't even reached Saturn. But it's almost there!

[@Uryel99]

Best comment ever. Take all my internets, sir !

[@greynotgray6808]

"Valerian and the Movie of a Thousand Side Quests." SAVAGE

[@Undrave]

The comic book this is based on is a gooddamn string of fetch quest... and Valerian was kidnapped the whole story XD And the actual important stuff happened IN THE BACKGROUND while Laureline was just looking for her partner guided by the Shingouz.

[@landonwyndham979]

finally someone who read the comic!

[@VRSCHOOL398]

valerian is great movie

[@landonwyndham979]

reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gtfo normie!

[@-droid-j7-225]

Landon Wyndham yes please

[@velocitymg]

Why even have a love story? The first few minutes of the station growing and the meeting of races was amazing, had they continued with that theme with more action scenes it would have been terrific.

[@jh5kl]

tribute to original material

[@niclaslindman]

Beacouse in comics They are a Couple and also not a muscle are slim Suits are Exactly right on spot from Comic and was Frome 1967 start this Movies album is wrote 1974 so are Serie most other like Står Wars copied from so are some fact Maybe read comic it is exist in USA in 7 volumes in first ate start second are Stunning How awesome It is grown up with this comics when in 1975 when I was 9 cane out in Swedish own alm vilumes today and Still a Great Read in 56 year is are Not age are Easy up to most others and those actually is about something and Adventure are about soumurions bot a Final must Crush enemy final are Final is end stop fight and get came so it is in real World are No nudity no Unessesary Violence are about Adventure in travel in time to Do what send there to do are When not a clue about What is about and Americans Always need violence blood and that's ok if see a nipple world is Falling apart but are no nudity in this serie so are For all to read and they are no teenage Agents they are actually cast in age are in serie so Not Wrong . Never write Star wats look like when are written Kong before even Star Wars Exist exist also Mezieres write this one of 2 are Done Most of Alm things see in Fifth Element like Taxi and cats and so on are in much his Design late in second part start do that movie also was Mobeius was in also but most is Mezieres World Fixth Element is and Blade Runner use same consept in Fmging cars are something is in Valerian Comic before Movies was done so are a lot Star Ears directly copied like Millenia Falco. står ship is from Valerian also Darth Vader Line like when Han Sökt vet melt in a plate are from Valerian also are a lot was decade before in Velerian comic so are Copied done dröm Velerian serie if read it will se it is true Facts photos.app.goo.gl/7ekZi7w1aoq8MJY77

[@niclaslindman]

Photos link to are serie from 1967-1973

[@sunrisestudio9548]

?????????????????????

[@LastAphelion]

HOLY SHT USE SOME PUNCTUATION. I had a stroke trying read this and gave up a line in...

[@Aynshtaynn]

14:49 Missed a joke "Then everything changed when the Fire Nation Attacked" Dammit CinemaSins

[@esmeesmeralda701]

Arda Anıl Ergin honestlyyy

[@thegameres816]

Valerian came out when I started to take the medicine Valerian, I was confused why they made a movie about sleeping pills.

[@A_Ereira]

Thegameres I really wanted to ask if you were stupid but then figured it's probably a joke.

[@thegameres816]

X Drake nah boi it was a joke.

[@thegameres816]

Michael Dust have you ever smelt it? that shit makes you wanta die. When I first got it I opened it in a car... The car smelt of it for a very very very long time.

[@writingaccount6399]

Thegameres this movie has the same effect tbh

[@KafshakTashtak]

Especially Dane DeHaan.

[@gmoreau89]

Valerian sounds like he's playing Keanu reeves playing valerian

[@sexy_tea_party6030]

The thing is that's probably what they were going for in the first place. Keanu Reeves has a reputation as playing the blank "everyman" face just like Tom Cruise. It's said that he does it so the audience can feel like they are the character themselves. Kinda like non-speaking video games protagonists? In this movie it's just boring though. Which is sad because the visuals actually are quite nice.

[@jojow.877]

gmoreau89 What a description! 😂

[@ThePumpingiron27]

gmoreau89 oh my gosh YES!!!! I couldn't even enjoy it due to his annoying voice. I even had to look up his age, because he sounded like he was going through puberty.

[@KGisthename]

gmoreau89 haha yep

[@MasterKcoop]

gmoreau89 he sounds like he got sick and just never recovered

[@luckystriker842]

If I could make one change to this movie, it would be to recast Valerian. The film characterizes him as a lady killer and a bad boy, but I don't buy Dane DeHaan as either of these things because he lacks charisma and still looks 15. When I saw the trailer, I seriously thought the main characters were teenagers, so recasting the leads would be a huge help.

[@nrg16108]

He sucked as the Green Goblin also in ASM2!

[@heartlessangel1460]

Yeah. 2 super-agents that are 15. Both werent believable.

[@elineverstraeten1872]

Apparently they where both around 31 when this film came out, but I also thought they where supposed to be teenagers.

[@ronaldharris6569]

Yup this thing has Chris buttery abs,Hemsworth all over it but they chose this acting robot as the male lead.to bad a little more science nerd authenticity and this would have been the hit it should have been

[@kevindolan9]

Robert Gross to be fair at least he TRIED in that role, he showed emotion and actually emoted in general in amazing Spider-Man. In valerian his default setting is what can only be described as "stuck in line at the DMV exhausted" seriously the dude is a intergalactic space cop, how could you get this bored with that in the first movie? (My guess is he read the script after he signed on)

[@jayyyzeee6409]

"...from the four corners of the universe." Just when you thought flat-Earthers were bad, we find out about cube-Universers.

[@Mecharnie_Dobbs]

A 3D shape with 4 corners is, in fact, a tetrahedron not a cube.

[@PhileasLiebmann]

Cubes have 8 corners though.

[@lexleo-kelly6346]

square?

[@kriss3907]

Well...yeah. Sure you look at any map of anything and there are only four corners...lol

[@michealdixon8808]

"Your not thinking 4th dimensional." (Hahahahahaha!) tetrahedron to thoughs curious is a Pyramid with three corned base and a point (corner) at top with all sides equal. The "universe" in 3D reality has an infant directions and being that Space and Time equal, think 4th Dimensional.

[@NotAllCatsAreNice]

Sin: for the valerian having the same raspy monotone voice the whole movie

[@TheShiumy]

He is calm, it's refreshing comparing to all other american action hero

[@lelandgill3631]

this film was so horribly miscast. and I generally like Dane DeHaan

NotAllCatsAreNice he sounded like the star of a fanmade KZbin "movie"

[@helix.01]

He's basically Cr1tical

[@THOMAS2910able]

That's just Dane Dehaan - he's great in movies with dark and haunted characters but when it comes to fun charismatic sci fi leads he's a poor choice.

[@pyroshayniac1090]

The two main leads never seem to drop out of monotone.

[@carolusrex3910]

Thats the point. The original comics was contexted to be written like that. as a kid who read all of the comics as a kid because his dad bought them from officers in korea, I LOVED THIS FILM. Watched it 20 times I fucking loved it.

[@SarahAndreaRoycesChannel]

I don''t hate it, but the wooden leads are really the worst part of it.

[@carolusrex3910]

because the characters where written in the 40's with one sided personalities. you haven't even seen the movie have you

[@joesycamore2899]

Really?

[@jesuslovesmebetter]

@CAROLUS REX The movie sucks almost as hard as your 2 gay dads.

[@lauretteRHPS]

I'm a little mad you didnt include the dialogue "humans are predictable" "you've obviously never met a woman before" which made me go "oh jesus christ" in the theater

[@xcidgaf]

@Rodzilla youre an incel as well

[@CZProtton]

If he included all the horrible lines in the movie, this video would be about as long as the movie itself. Nearly all dialogue that Valerian and Laureline had made me groan audibly.

[@kingofthepod5169]

This dialogue is the kind of thing I'd type up in highschool, and that's BAD. Blues brothers 2000 bad.

[@vizthex]

bruh

[@480JD]

Its true though. Until you realize the easiest way to handle females is to treat them like children, but don't let them realize you're treating them like children.

[@projectunity5795]

After rewatching the scene I am now convinced that Bubble was killed by friendly fire because her two allies were holding their swords in the air about to attack the hordes of enemies and bubble morphed her body around both of them and in the process got stabbed by the two swords. Makes sense to me

[@KayMayhem777]

It was a real dick move to just kill off her character and not be like "gotcha!"..."Did you believe me?", or SOMETHING like that. Would've lined up with her character PERFECTLY it's a gawddamed SHAME i tell you smh.

[@bobbyshewan4229]

This movie looked BEAUTIFUL. But it's a shame there wasn't much else.

[@MrsLayla85]

Bobby Shewan it was pretty but that was literally all it had going for it

[@bobbyshewan4229]

Lee Patterson I mean, you could do worse. There was the Emoji Movie

[@MrsLayla85]

Bobby Shewan that’s true but at least this had some kind of appeal

[@lachlanrobertson4825]

As someone else once put it "It's the most beautiful dumpster fire in existence"

[@bobbyshewan4229]

Lachlan Robertson lol who said that

[@ChrisDarby80]

“The queen picks one with her microwave hand to give to the princess so she can feed it to her pet amadilidragon who can then repligasm out more pearls into the well of galaxy sauce” Best description ever

[@plcthelegacy4131]

This movie was like a weird ass episode of Futurama made into a live action movie.

[@CZProtton]

Even Futurama would make more sense... like ripping a space station in half to blast off with the Planet Express Ship would at least be a visual joke (probably followed by some one liner) while this movie just ignores that the Pearls just killed Alfa station.

[@vampiraJ]

I’d rather watch Kif give birth again.

[@torstenseidel8875]

The love story felt extremely tacked on. I think the actors were miscast for their roles and there was absolutely zero chemistry between them.

[@nemesisxxprime]

Cara allegedly got a role in exchange for a 3some with Weinstein. Look it up

[@JC-rp6sp]

Torsten Seidel lmao, those characters have zero chemistry with the movie

[@annushkanoor4328]

@@nemesisxxprime no she didn't wtf

[@anthonyevans4298]

@@nemesisxxprime So she is a victim then? 😄

[@eveningcommenter6312]

@@anthonyevans4298 No, she raped Harvey. He finally got what was cumming from him.

[@portland-182]

700 million miles from Earth means that the space station is not even to Saturn yet...

[@WhatEvenIsAGoodName]

And therefore there's no way that it could have accumulated a thousand planetary sized masses on which to build the "City of a thousand planets"

[@WhatEvenIsAGoodName]

@Michael Enquist again, its barely to Saturn and has 1k races? I still call.bullshit.

[@gamesandglory1648]

K heard in the video over 7,000 something species from.1I planets

[@the_infinexos]

_AND_ it's 400 years later, you'd think space tech would be way more advanced

[@paquettestephenbrett3362]

Someone read the imdb goofs

[@seanyew39]

"You spent the last 5 minutes setting up this relationship that I am now 100% rooting against" Best 😂 this was a really horrible forced relationship attempt that has no value in it at all

[@mechasentai]

I felt like there was more chemistry with Bubbles and she was on for so little time.

[@quentinlahure4262]

There was more chemistry between him and his put on voice

[@ProjectAndros]

Like today's relationships...

[@mothichorror446]

@Dr. killpatient yeah, see, there's this thing called "acting"...

[@jh5kl]

tribute to original material

[@Dream146]

so Valerian straight up frags a random alien fisherman with a smile but the guy who just ordered a genocide gets strung up for a comedic beat?

[@AmitZinmanVideo]

2:22 This must be one of the worst casting decisions of all times, as these two "lovers" for some reason seem and act more like brother and sister.

[@Yukinoomoni]

Why does the actor playing Valerian look like he's incredibly ill?

[@Yukinoomoni]

LOOK AT HIS EYES, THEY'RE SO SUNKEN IN!

[@wayward-saint]

You don't look ill without being ill. Hopefully he can turn it around.

[@Anon-qp3kt]

Probably drugs or some leftover craziness from being the goblin

[@CreditR01]

Probably had to get plastered to get through this role.

[@wastedtalent1625]

Hollywood has brainwashed you into thinking heroes need to look like the Rock. I thought it was a nice change to see a human sized man, and not a steroid-infused monster playing the hero....

[@dandyprime5338]

"Ahh, so the pearls are harvested, and then the queen picks one with her microwave hand to give to the princess so she can feed it to her pet armadilidragon, who can then repligasm out more pearls into the well of galaxy sauce that then sends pulsing luminescence through the sand arteries. Glad we got that all figured out." This killed me.

[@mikemaceda3222]

Dandy Prime I think I just seen the same video you did. 😨

Dandy Prime I can't believe you took the time to type that all out

[@avenged110]

RIP

[@ironicdutchmoonshade1394]

The fact that the original comic is called Valerian and Laureline but then they kicked Laureline out of the title is great foreshadowing for her (lack of) character traits in the movie

[@mugiwaraluffy7846]

That and they took the whole time travel and searching for planet earth stuff out just killed this movie for me

[@abcxyz9852]

great point! I was watching this movie hoping for something real about her character or actions...

[@tbo.mp4]

'The Harvey Wienstein school of workplace behaviour' lmaooooo

[@cristalmendoza3200]

I can't belive this movie didn't get a sin everytime the girl said valerian. Valerian! Valerian!

[@saurabhraj2027]

Finally someone 🙄

[@andusz5518]

You are not calling your lover/colleague/friend/neighbour by their name?

[@danielcobia7818]

Roll credits.

[@dallan7736]

This is when I turned it off. Even as I was hitting the button she was still saying it.

[@TaphocIzzis]

One extra sin for Valerian slaughtering Aliens in a heartbeat, a few minutes after stating that he didn’t want to risk a diplomatic incident !

[@sethwhite4635]

He kills their king. Then reveals himself. NBD

[@kaiessam4805]

man0z Western countries, eastern countries... practically every modern society and almost every religion has done what we consider to be unspeakable in the name of progress, and usually as a result of recognising or interacting with other nations. Why the Pearls in the movie are so peaceful is because (as far as we know) they never interacted with any other life forms similar or seen as a threat to themselves and did not have a need for development on their planet. I believe you are referring to human nature in general: not just the western world. And Nazi Germany's "true paradise" was at the expense of millions of lives or human rights, the same is with most settlements or "Utopias" in history and present day.

[@kylecruzah808]

easily the most random pivot in comments ive seeen in years on youtube

[@archon7189]

They tried to kill and eat someone, pretty sure they caused the incident.

[@yellowticket9673]

"I guess Luc Besson wanted to revisit the last year that he directed a good movie..." Damn son! Why you gotta murder him like that?!?

[@pwnsage]

12:17 "extra-cholestrials" I'm dead.

[@JessicaBiggers]

15:42 - 15:56 Can't agree with you there. I'd go into why, but you really should know better.

[@eiriksundby]

Paul Blorp: Spacemall cop The best spinoff ever

[@Redmond17]

6:23 Okay, this bit bothered me when I saw Valerian in theaters, and it still bothers me now. Apologies in advance for my rant. Alpha's destination is supposed to be the "Magellan Current," which doesn't exist. It might refer to the Large Magellanic Cloud, a relatively close galaxy roughly 160,000 light-years or 930 _quadrillion_ miles away. Given it's supposed to be heading into the "great unknown," this would seem a good an estimate as any. *However,* they just told us that over the course of 400 years, Alpha has traveled a mere 700 _million_ miles, which even in the best-case scenario puts it closer to the Sun than the planet _Saturn._ First, compare this to the Voyager 2 Probe. Since its launch in 1977, it's traveled about 11 _billion_ miles with 1970's science. That's roughly 15 times the distance in about 1/10th the time. Second, that's nowhere near what one would consider the "great unknown" by today's standards, and this setting *requires* FTL travel and other advanced spacefuture science just to exist. _Third,_ at the rate Alpha is going, it will take over _530 billion years_ for it to reach the Large Magellanic Cloud, not accounting for things like galactic shift or the expansion of the universe, both of which are pretty effing important given the current age of the universe is only about 13.7 billion years. *And the movie does not bother to address this at all.*

[@zaccrisp9988]

David R Tge kind of criticism I love to see

[@MondayZi]

700 million miles in 400 years? That's 1,75 million miles per year, 4794.5 miles per day, 199.7 miles per hour, which equals 321.4 km per hour, which is 89.28 meters per second... Yeah... Pretty slow...

[@anafreitas1646]

Not just this movie but many that include scientific stuff. It's distracting and borderline disrespectful at this point. I wished they just asked a scientist cause... it kind of kills the buzz when your watching a movie and they say stupid, oh so stupid, stuff like that. I don't care they make up galaxy names, propulsion names, etc, etc but how hard can it be to get this right if the public can do it?

[@tsuki0830]

david r would be excellent at cinema sins [-1 sin]

[@Peterowsky]

Thank you. 700 000 000 miles from Earth's orbit is roughly Saturn's orbit, sooooo....... Still well in our solar system, not "into the unknown".

[@jackmaddox4960]

Valerian's little respirator/spider-bot thing that cuts him out of the Mul-goo cocoon should've been red with the Swiss cross on it, like the future's version of a Swiss Army knife! The little spider-bot could've also been red with the cross on it, and like flicked thru a couple different tools before selecting the thin blade best suited to cutting thru the goo... That would've been cool; a Swiss Army knife that functions as a pocket knife, multi-tool, respirator, has an autonomous spider-bot in it, plus it's a flashlight/cellphone/communicator/butane lighter/sub-etha SensoMatic... I'd buy one!

[@partyman5797]

Poor casting choices that’s obvious from the beginning.

[@bradthebad123]

i had a easier job believing that the main characters were actually talking to the CGI aliens, than each other.

[@thewhatness]

It's really a shame such rich visuals were wasted on such a bland narrative.

[@witnessme4352]

Agreed. Avatar at least had an engaging enough, if basic, story to let the gorgeous world-building carry it.

[@thispic]

the comics were so much better

[@eleethtahgra7182]

13:56 its more like..hey we need to get valerian in. So how? Oh, lets have him hook up with shapeshifting alien. Why would the alien help him? Let him promise her some reward. Later on, so now they have escaped...what to do with shape shifting alien? No idea...sooo...lets have her dead. Problem solved.

[@sianais]

I thought the two leads were siblings, so I got a shock when I realized they were not.

[@phanfinger]

ONLY 131 sins? Deserves about 600 more for the dialogue alone.

[@alexanderfondum8305]

America sucks

[@jh5kl]

if you give many other beloved franchises 6 billion sins for using discount assets from original Valerian and Laureline comics then you have a deal. ( star wars would be completly fcked btw)

[@Memoiana]

Deserves a thousand sins. What a horribly written movie. Luc Besson really never grew up.

[@nunsense9489]

@@Memoiana i found it okay

[@ssandro4897]

True

[@nicosonico94]

When I first watched this movie, I was convinced the actress alien was actually feigning her death and would, at some later point, come back and ask if she was believable. If only it was even that slightly smart.

[@KayMayhem777]

Yo man you speak the truth if I've ever heard it. Why in the HELL didn't they let her trick them and be like... "So how was my acting?" After the credits ended and there was no extra scene where she came back to life i was VERY pissed off. It would've been SO good for her character if she did and i don't even give a damn if it happened in the comics or NOT! They truly wasted their own movie's potential how are they smart AND stupid at the same time!?!?

[@sebasdavis8081]

I forgot his name but like the male protagonist in this movie was soooo perverted and teenage hormone that it took away from the story.

[@mtubr]

Going to the movies with this guy from CinemaSins would be hilarious... each time something's up he would be mumbling stuff like "What da.... cmonnn... no way... ahahah bullshit..." lol

[@Abhothra]

Did anyone notice how many facial expressions Dane has in this movie ? I counted 3.....

[@nancyhill1855]

Its like if Kristen Stewart was a guy 😂

[@the_infinexos]

@CogitoErgoCogitoSum Valerian. The main character. He makes almost no expressions in this movie

[@the_infinexos]

@Mike Forti Same. Even Twilight was a better love story than that shit

[@lightworkerlighthouse5299]

Casting killed this great film. Dane DeHaan you should never accept this role! I hope they do remake someday with some more suitable actor for this role. After killing this movie time to retire Dane or do something more useful.

[@ParadoxVoid08]

It's pretty common in movies. How many faces does Steven Seagull have? What about Liam Neeson?

[@joesjoeys]

No sin for 700 million miles? Thats only from the sun to Saturn so.... they wouldnt have traveled very far at all in 400 years. THEY WOULDNT EVEN HAVE LEFT THE SOLAR SYSTEM!

[@modernwarfarefilms1]

Apparently no one in the movie took simple astronomy lessons. I agree with you.

[@DemonEyes622]

pretty much

[@baneofbanes]

PotBoyz Better a nerd then a moron.

[@madhippy3]

Not an astronomer so forgive me for asking a dumb question, but if that is the distance from Saturn to the sun what is it from the Earth?

[@baneofbanes]

madhippy3 From what, Earth to Saturn or from Earth to the sun?

[@augustvalek]

this movie is so uninteresting that I struggle even watching this sin viideo

[@calebmoore7007]

DrEsquizoide I watched it twice because my mom kept renting it for different family events lol that’s the only reason I watched it all the way through

[@bartrese]

DrEsquizoide same

[@Kaalokalawaia]

You lucky buggers. I was in the theather and had to watch it.

[@arpitakundu8133]

Come on people . Agreed the acting was dull but the story was 1st grade

[@CBrown]

It's not the worst though. There are a few Sin videos on movies that are so boring I literally couldn't watch more than the first few minutes.

[@JMUDoc]

Casting a borderline hydrocephalic emo as a ladykiller action hero. Done.

This is what happens when you walk into a casting agency and say "Give me someone who looks as intelligent as if he got his brains by getting punched in the face.... with a truck"

[@ParadoxVoid08]

Well Tom Cruise can't play every action hero. Some of us like a bit of variety

[@cameronthomas2737]

I feel smarter from reading these comments

[@CCartman69]

The only way I enjoyed this film was pretending Valerian and Laureline were secretly Blade-Runner style robots, who thought they were human. Thus the bad acting and strange actions, is just two robots trying to be human based off what they think humans behave.

[@LOLrigole]

Core Brute Agreed, that WOULD have made the film remotely bearable!

[@jimwells7056]

this movie has two of the most unappealing leads I've ever seen

[@Fish4Man61]

Even the two best actors in the world couldn't save this movie with the same script given to them though. The script makes them say and do stupid ass things, and when the actors may know it, then it even gets worse, because they know it.

[@Bloodhurl67]

Too fuckin true

[@THOMAS2910able]

No you are wrong - they could have breathed some life into the dialogue so it wouldn't have been so mopey.

[@erica.7231]

I actually loved the lead actors stoic personalities it gave off an evangelian feel

[@MandalorV7]

The moment I saw the first trailer I wasn't interested, because the two main actors look so board and pissed off that they are there.

[@brandonbartz3718]

700 million miles wouldn't even be out of our solar system. I haven't watched this movie, but I'm hoping they didn't make that much of a mistake.

[@GrizDrummer25]

Normally I watch these to get the gist of movies I don't really want to see. But this seems like it'd be a cool ride despite the lead dredge.

[@coralineparmentierpianist]

"Haven't these guys seen War of the Worlds?" By the way, Jeremy, we are still waiting for you to sin that movie. :-)

[@optimusdime3735]

Coraline Parmentier - Pianist for Peace how did you know his name is Jeremy

[@jaimeparker2161]

When the same guy has both of the top 2 comments

[@coralineparmentierpianist]

Except I'm not a guy

[@like17badgers]

all their common references still need to be sinned, like the Monty Python movies. No movie is without sin, but what about the movies that intentionally sinned for satirical value?

[@frogwearingwellies6149]

Jeremy says his name all the time he advertises his book all the time in the description

[@bunniesforsale4667]

Normally I don't watch CinemaSins before watching a movie, but literally cared so little about the characters and this movie that I'll call this my cheat day.

[@natedcarr6148]

12:17 I learned a new word today. Extra-cholestrials. Thank you CinemaSins for adding to my repertiore.

[@CodyChromeBand]

It's completely OK to admit to hating Dane Dehaan.

[@quentinlahure4262]

Cody S I hate him so much Thanks, i feel better :)

[@frankkiss6619]

@duraznoches Agree. That is possibly the only role he can play. Outsider. He totally lacks charisma

[@frankkiss6619]

@duraznoches Agreed. That is possibly the only suitable role for him. An outsider. He totally lacks charisma.

[@ianbunch1583]

Technically, the jellyfish that we are most familiar with don't have a distinguished mouth or butt hole. As a member of the Cnidaria phylum, they have only one orifice. Also, "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Side Quests" is just brilliant.

[@AmmarAzemi]

"If Princess Liho has been inside Valerian and "guiding" him this entire time, could she not guided him away from being such a douche at the beginning of the movie?" xD

[@grunions9648]

Man, those bits at the end of all these vids are supreme. That is some real work right there.

[@thebluedanyube62]

You forgot to mention that the Alpha Station is a discount Coruscant.

[@jh5kl]

its the opposite, source material is older than star wars

[@usernamunavailiable]

@@jh5kl weren’t you aware everything was invented in “sTaR wORz”?

[@karansharma2352]

I lost it at "Sergeant Enchantress"

[@Pix3l_Pr1ncess]

Most of us will rather see this video than the movie.

[@tonyb2591]

Yea, this movie was bad lol

[@John-gq8sy]

True

[@VixxKong2]

Then you won't understand what's going on and you'll only see a sample of random parts in a movie. Pretty dumb, but whatever

[@peter4588]

This movie deserved a extra sin counter for every bloody time "Valerian" was said.

[@Abi_B.]

I know it's not Avatar but you have to admit, the designs of the aliens are breathtaking.

[@theamazingb2448]

The two main characters look like brother and sister

[@thomasraahauge5231]

He sure makes some unappatizing moves on his sister, then . . . 0.o (I know, you said "look like"). Perhaps it's like Leia and Luke? Well, in the album series, they are definitely NOT brother and sister, but this uhholy pile of crap of a movie has deviated so blatantly astray from the albums, that I think of it as a seperate franchise. And then, they COULD be brother and sister. And have Harvey Swinestein as the uncle they shouldn't have been sent to that summer holiday twenty years ago . . .

[@EvoluteCreator]

Paul Singam I take it you're from Alabama.

[@xenteko7249]

That's what happens when the leads have zero chemistry.

[@TheGoldenDunsparce]

Look more like brother and brother to me

[@joshuaewalker]

The only words running through my head during that whole abysmal movie were "discount Keanu Reeves"

[@Lumibear.]

Joshua Walker - The poster child for ‘Life is better on Xanax’.

[@PeterAckarey]

Right, and for Cara Delevingne I kept thinking "discount Elle Fanning".

[@joshuaewalker]

PeterAckarey I have no idea who that is. So, I looked her up. Still have no clue. But I know one thing: that chick from the Valerian movie is waaaaaay hotter.

[@lilil9752]

The visuals are great, and nothing else

[@samuraizebra3219]

Lol the gattaca quip of Ethan Hawke was brilliant considering the station is now around Saturn (roughly) and that’s where he went . Spot on, sir!

[@iamnotagodatfortnitexdxdxd452]

Velrian movie of the 1000 side-quests 😂😂

[@JosephPiatt]

You missed a great one. At 6:22 or so their computer tells them that since leaving orbit, Alpha has traveled seven hundred million miles. That would place it still in the solar system, between Jupiter and Saturn.

[@imyourmaster77]

Joseph Piatt yeah I thought the same, 700 000 000 miles is nothing in space. Hell a single light year is 9.5 times ten to the power of TWELVE kilometers. Space is simply uncomprenhensibly big.

[@JamesWright1919]

It's been traveling 200mph for 400 years...

[@lunawenko9324]

Fun fact: There‘s actually a VR rollercoaster in germany called 'Eurosat coastiality', that uses Valerian. It‘s a really fun ride

[@nastassjafickosoklic6485]

ANOTHER Cara Delevigne? Can't this girl realise already she can't act?

[@heinolebt1412]

Can't anyone else? Directors? Casting Directors?

[@bruno1700]

@Nastassja Ficko Soklic relax,sheesh asshole much! apple

[@quasarone3083]

One sins removed for the stunning 3D. First time ever that 3D actually added something to a movie

[@derangedemu]

MovieNerd_EP what about James Cameron’s Avatar?

[@HAL-vm3wn]

The first time in Cinamasins-history, but moviewise there were others

[@declan2775]

MovieNerd_EP Nice profile pic!

[@AnthonyMartinez-kr5fn]

DerangedEmu to be fair the beautiful cgi in avatar was just the icing on the cake

[@British_Rogue]

MovieNerd_EP Gravity 3D Vs. Gravity are very different movie experiences.

[@amirza1981]

HAHAHAHA. The City Of A Thousand Planets has only traveled 700,000,000 Miles = 0.000119 Light years in 400 Years. HAHAHAHAHA That means only 1,750,000 Miles per Year Which means 4794.5 Miles per day Which means it travels only 199.7mph. Voyager 2 is currently traveling 35,000 miles per hour HAHAHAHAHAHA...... They haven't even left the Solar System yet.

[@rachelmoody1520]

Granted, it was not designed for fast travel. It's a space station, not a spaceship.

[@takuansoho5836]

+Rachel Moody You've got to reach more than 8km/s just to escape the terrestrial gravity... The more far you are from the Sun, the slower you must be to stay on orbit, and Pluto still have an orbital velocity of 4.74 km/s... Just for saying that travelling at 200mph is a really dumb point in the whole scenario.

[@rachelmoody1520]

+Takuan Soho I only meant that we shouldn't be expecting top speeds out of it.

[@will3346]

Was it meant to leave the solar system?

[@rachelmoody1520]

not really. It was meant to be a space station, got too heavy to remain in orbit, and they just kinda got it our of orbit (somehow) and let it float wherever.

[@abigailbrand5836]

Oh my god!! The last bunch of clips were hilarious!!!! Love the Harry Potter music!!

[@ecliptorcalrissian5014]

Every review I've heard is either "It's so pretty you won't care that the story and characters are fail-tastic" or "It's so pretty they *hoped* you won't care that the story and characters are fail-tastic, but they were wrong!" So basically, someone saw how pretty Avatar was, thought you didn't need anything else but to similarly go all-out on the visuals, and you will enjoy this as much or as little as you can forgive that.

[@victorsrandomvideos5208]

To all those who think it’s close to Star Wars, this movie was based on French comic that came out in 1967 (10 years before first Star Wars movies)

[@23GreyFox]

Bullshit.

[@greggles5316]

@@23GreyFox Look it up

[@23GreyFox]

Never found a Star Destroyer in that french stuff. Just because of 2 or 3 simular things it's not based on.

[@that_dead_pixel4229]

23GreyFox George Lucas confirmed it fuck sake man look it up

[@khamaribooker9740]

so what the movie is still shit

[@MrKen607]

It's true that this is not a great movie, but I would really like to explore more of this world. It's very interesting to me. Maybe they should've adapt it in game form instead.

[@lovelyoliveart7634]

Yeah, for sure... they could have done alot more with the movie since the world was really cool

[@kayve_2474]

I definitely enjoyed this movie, even if it wasn’t the best movie ever. I’d love some sort of Valerian RPG sorta game

[@lelandgill3631]

couldn't agree more

[@joeyw.7131]

It’s a pretty popular comic book series in France. This was based off of that.

[@kayve_2474]

Vicodyn under the right developers it might turn out pretty well

[@xxxjordandangerouslyxxx]

The way the beginning flows time is great

[@mistreviews]

The opening of this movie had me filled with so much wonder and hope for this universe... Then the main characters opened their mouths 😑

[@Psycorde]

"Extra-cholestrials" hahahaha

[@szorrin6812]

White Void Done.

[@MissKittieMo]

White Void i personally loved "Dobby the House-Gunngan"

[@JesusPulledMeThrough]

I just paused the vid to make this comment but you already beat me to it. Great line.

[@ispankedyourwaifu9705]

He said that just as I read it on your comment

[@dippindotsyo]

*Galaxy Sauce*

[@peterfrank3365]

Luc Besson should've got Bruce Willis and Chris Tucker back together to make a sequel to 'The Fifth Element' instead of this.

[@itzcarnage9535]

Peter Frank id watch that in a heartbeat that movie so hilariohs

[@A-Dubs398]

Chris Tucker is lazy and doesn't like doing movies.

[@radnaaar]

They could just do a sequel in the fifth element universe with different people and a different story with a sprinkling of references and it would still be better than this

[@trashrabbit69]

Would they call it "The Sixth Element"? Or "The Fifth Element... Two"?

[@awashington8447]

agreed!!

[@odysseusrex5908]

6:26, The station has travelled 700 million miles? Umm, that's not even as far as Saturn is from the sun. This station of a thousand planets is still well within our solar system.

[@BigHeretic]

Couldn't agree more! Great H2G2 reference right at the end there!

[@88franko]

I actually liked many things about this movie. I just can't fucking stomach looking at that dude's busted face for more than 5 seconds. Luc Besson was out his damn mind thinking he'd be a good lead for this movie.

[@coralineparmentierpianist]

"Igon One : A valerian story" I died here XD

[@Ifeany1]

Coraline Parmentier - Pianist for Peace hmmmm, how did you die there and still managed to make this comment?

[@heichoucleanmaster7210]

I died On ALL OF HIS OPINIONS, And very accurate explanations on how bad this was, and How there were things that didn't make sense at all

[@Clapsk]

Just a quick point, the movie didn't invent a new alien specy for exposition, the Shingooz are already in the source comics ;)

[@TheTURKISHDELIGHT98]

This could have been so good

[@Google_Corporation]

Cinema Sins sins counter: 1. This movie was based off a comic from 1953 (if my memory serves). From my understanding (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) george lucas got a few ideas from the comic; Watto was based off the 3 information aliens. In one comic, Valerian gets frozen in some sort of metal; Han got frozen in carbonite crystal. The ship Valerian flies has a similar design to that of the Millenium Falcon.

[@mariperez5214]

Yes but he's talking about the iconic quote that Han Solo makes and since we're talking film, technically Valerian (the movie) is being Star Warsy. Tho you are right that the comics came out before the Star Wars movies.

[@joaomacabrodeath]

So... that means Valerian comic came firts, them Star Wars, them Valerian the movie, who make a full circle

[@vincentknight27]

The opening sequence with the Space Oddity song was the best opening sequence I've seen all year

[@vanetina07]

Vincent Knight you didn’t see many movies last year I suppose

[@vincentknight27]

Over 100 lol. I wasn't a big fan of Valerian but that opening montage was just the best. Which one do you think was better

[@VetinariClone]

Yeah, then they had to ruin it by adding the movie.

[@vincentknight27]

That one was very good as well Nikodimos. Baby Driver was overall obviously a much superior film.

[@elpl1293]

"Don't you need a star of death?" XD

[@Tolivian]

The LoZ Navi outtake caught me so off guard that I almost had a heart attack. A good heart attack, but still.

[@corvusnine8167]

"Microsoft still can't keep their Xboxes backward compatible..." Best. Line.

[@JAGtheTrekkieGEMINI1701]

But MS can and Sony can't actually

[@Carlisho]

Is actually Sony the one that cant even get their PlayStations to be backwards compatible 😂

[@like17badgers]

All three consoles can't do it, well, they can, they just choose not to. at least Xbox let a few through, even if that just proves the point. It's really pointless too, I mean why would they just choose to not make money selling their current console with access to old games? It just means people have to after market them, which means that they are just losing money for nothing.

[@nelaf]

Happy The Cat well they have to get permission from the publishers to make it backwards compatible so I’m sure it takes time

[@esgrove]

This criticism is completely invalid, though. Because our current technology can't do something, super advanced future technology can't either?

[@sterling7]

I've got to ask: were they TRYING to make the two leads look like they're both about sixteen years old? Because they do, and it's creepy as hell, even before the "romantic" "banter" gets thrown into the mix.

[@joshuaanderson1712]

I think they were trying to market this movie as a teenage power fantasy story(also were trying to do too much to sell as much as possible) just by how cynical and lazy the movie feels.

[@Anon-qp3kt]

sterling7 Yeah, casting failed them. Fun fact, Dane is 31 and Cara is 25 but both looked like they're fresh off of middle school

[@michaelmorrow3679]

Well, Tom Cruise was busy, so he got a lookalike that never ages as well....good for sequels...

[@Sunprism]

I know! I thought I was just suddenly Old

[@kasperjoonatan6014]

Why would it be creepy if they are 16?

[@elizabethkang5150]

It's funny, I agree with almost everything you said, but I still fricking LOVED this movie!

[@rudolfbart]

yep agree they take everytime all to serios

[@Geronimo_Jehoshaphat]

I agree with maybe 40% of what is cited as "sins" here - which is still significant - yet I saw this multiple times in nearly empty theaters and bought the bluray first day. Every time I watch this movie I am struck by how poor the plot, dialogue, and casting is - yet everytime I think of what I should watch I have to stop myself from just popping Valerian into the dvd player again, lol. The creative design and vfx accomplishment is immaculate. But I sort of watch this movie, and enjoy imagining what the better version of it could have been with a tighter script and charismatic adult leads with sexual chemestry minus the creepy quasi-incestuous squabbling siblings thing we got from two vacant cardboard cutouts whom both seem to be lost deep in thought waiting for their turn to recite clunky dialogue while contemplating what their favorite Pokemon truly might be (if pressed to decide). Instead of the charisma vacuum children that were cast, I like to imagine quick flippant on-the-fly off-the-cuff back-and-forth overlapping screwball repartee banter and clever retorts between a feigning annoyed Alicia Vikander and an incourageable Chris Pine clearly needling each other with tension filled romantic rapport. That alone would have made up for any faulty plot machanics. Besson dropped the ball badly on what could have been a stellar franchise, yet I have to admit that he fumbled with panache nonetheless.

[@Porzimgisw]

@@Geronimo_Jehoshaphat annoying that he did this. it could've been the 2010s version of fifth element (my favorite sci fi movie of all time). just a simple recast and some script edits could have made this into such a legendary film. it's crazy that it's such a bad movie (for all the reasons you named) but there's still SO much that's good about it

[@Geronimo_Jehoshaphat]

@@Porzimgisw Yep. It's bittersweet, because on one hand it's great but on the other it's lousy.

[@Krischmann]

"Extracholestrials" cracked me up xD

[@darthnihilus1608]

I'd love to see you re-do your older

[@PattPlays]

darthnihilus1608 hahahaha no. do you know anything about the youtube algorithms? thats not possible today.

[@udieunit]

PattPlays hahahahahaha you do realize that’s why he wanted him to redo them so we can get more sins and a longer video. But personally I’m against the idea, because those are the videos where he didn’t sin useless shit now he sins everything I understand it’s haha funny but I mean most of the sins are useless and he is just clinging on for more sins

[@jennalyn6704]

darthnihilus1608 I actually agree.. some of them are okay they way they are but some deff need to be redone

[@PattPlays]

Pennylane is Almost famous That would only be feasible in a month where he has nothing else to review. We all clicked on this trash movie, but an edited reupload? Half decade old movie? There goes a fourth of the views. Movie ppl already saw him review? There goes another 4th. Movie not trending in google and thus no new viewers get pulled in? Another cut. Ppl who want to see a reupload do not outnumber these losses.

[@jamesrelich8210]

How does an algorithm prevent them from uploading a new video?

[@TheOneTrueErica]

Man this movie sounds like a train wreck of wasted potential. Great Sins video as always!

[@TheOneTrueErica]

Hahahaha

[@carly885]

Erica Mills I had to leave after 20 minutes, I hated iy

[@carolusrex3910]

>be dumb woman >When plot and context is not spoonfed, gets mad >Cries on youtube about how they didnt like it because^^^ Stop breathing

[@TheOneTrueErica]

Hahahaha! 😂

[@flashergoldpower15]

Ok.

[@Leispada]

"extra cholestrials" X'D "Valerian disease" X'DD ohman, love it

[@furinick]

The biggest sin is that amazing piece of art intro being followed by... That *shudders *

[@mitenzouki]

I actually really loved the dress up scene. That alien looked so happy and I watched it like 3 times. It was my favorite part of just about any movie in 2017.

[@Lumibear.]

The expression on its face as it holds up the dresses! XD

[@mitenzouki]

Lumibear it was just so amazing. It was so happy. Lol

[@xHarpyx]

Yaaassss!

[@Christian_Luczejko]

I just watched this movie. I loved it. 90% of it was so much fun. But i really found myself struggling with Dane as the male lead. As well as his voice. He sounded like he was doing an impression of Keanu Reeves. It really took me out of it. Cara felt fine to me. Their romance was blah, but i feel it could have been a lot better with a more convincing male lead. What a bummer it made so little money. I would absolutely go see the next installment in theaters.

[@redicebox4478]

2020...and your video is still relevant! LOL

[@montgomeryfitzpatrick473]

Never have 2 people that look more like siblings been cast as love interests, and that probably includes actual siblings