Cinematic Excrement: Episode 71 - Jupiter Ascending

[@jbvader721]

Sean Bean stopped taking roles where his character dies after "Game of Thrones" because we made too many memes about it. Was it worth it?

[@terrancethetentaclemonster9169]

"Bees are genetically-engineered to recognize royalty." Can we test that by releasing several swarms of Africanised Honey Bees into Buckingham Palace? It would amuse me.

[@mageless8192]

Oh my GOD

[@mageless8192]

50% NO and 50% caaan we? *Smeghead Smirk*

[@phantomslay5612]

Bees. My god.

[@mageless8192]

RELEASE THE BEES

[@Declan-pg8cg]

Oh that would be funny to watch. I'd laugh maniacally as the fear turned their legs to royal jelly.

[@DiceFTW273]

"The girl has huge blue hair and a hover bike..." Still a better Bulma then the one in Dragon Ball Evolution! XD

[@TheArceusftw]

+DiceFTW273 Yeah, This Bulma Cosplayer, actually bothered to dye her hair blue, instead of one streak.

[@oswin1234]

+DiceFTW273 A turd is better than Dragonball Evolution.....

[@xgray2012]

+DiceFTW273 I guess that's true.

[@hkkobayashi7657]

My brother bought this movie and I watched it with him and his daughter. He has never really been someone to really pay attention to a movie that much like I do. And he usually falls asleep. This was the first movie where when it ended, he just sat up and said, "Well that was a bad movie."

[@albion65]

Surprised no one mentioned this in 5 years but JUPITER ASCENDING was clearly an attempt by the Wachowski's to do a space opera remake of the 1914 (yep that old) adventure serial THE PERILS OF PAULINE. The "Jupiter kidnapped, Canine rescues her" bit done over and over was an update of the serials cliffhanger format.

[@TDF9055]

I am so glad I went to see 'Kingsman' instead of 'Saturn Rising' as my dad once called this movie.

[@maksymcazymir1727]

kingsman secret service? "Manners. Maketh. Man."

[@Horvath_Gabor]

We tried to watch this movie with my friend and we literally fell asleep. However he made an ingenious observation that got stuck in my head: The bad guys are Bela Lugosi style classic vampires... IN SPACE! Think about it: They have a victorian theme to their clothing while having a gothic theme to their architecture, they harvest human bodily fluids (blood/DNA) which they use to stay young forever, and the bathing scene had a distinct Bathory vibe to it. They are also subdued, seductive and haughty with a crazy streak and they view their human servants/subjects as nothing but live-stock to fuel their immortality. Also, to stay with the classic horror theme, the female lead is an "innocent maiden" being tempted by the vampires while her love interest is a sciencey werewolf. All the movie needs is a creature created from the bodies from several humans and animated with electricity/science and we have the entire classic horror lineup. Maybe we could even stick a mummy in there somewhere as well...

[@TheBonkleFox]

I refuse to believe that's a wolf.

[@warrirornunluv801]

Bees. My God.

[@wjzav1971]

You are onto something. What if Dracula came to London and found that vampirism was not illegal. He could have built a legit business where he turns rich people into vampires and a harvesting operation in which he provides them with blood for boatloads of money.

[@Crowvamp1979]

@@wjzav1971 Have you read "Anno Dracula" by Kim Newman? It is mostly about the fallout if Van Helsing failed, but vampirism becomes stylish among the rich and powerful.

[@derekbates4316]

It's like Star Wars x Twilight had a baby, and it had all the adorableness of Plan 9 From Outer Space.

[@Derah_OG]

Jupiter Ascending. In the theoretical case that the wachowskis actually manage to get a sequel greenlit, how would they call it? Uranus Expanding? =D **ba dum tss** Get it? Uranus................ okay I'll go away now.

[@chadcastagana9181]

Gas Probes from Pluto

[@victorhernandez8723]

Derah Real mature.

[@lightyearpig12]

And what about any prequels like Mercury Growing, Venus Amassing, Earth Rising and Mars Strengthening?

[@juhaniaho6698]

Derah Jupiter Ascending Uranus Expanding Neptune Growing Pluto Rising And now the prequels: Mars Descending Earth Tightening Venus Shrinking Mercury Lowering

[@mikestanmore2614]

Clever. 👍

[@roberttreacy8271]

Jupiter Jones? Sounds like a porn name.

[@juliagoodwin3461]

Robert Treacy I think it sounds more like a name for a sassy black female detective. Not some useless bint.

[@diegobareno5820]

Better name than Stormy Daniels.

[@kingsford3657]

2:45 - 2:50 As a former hotel maid, I have never known anyone to scrub a toilet by kneeling on the floor in front of it. Nor did we contemplate our life choices while *leaning our forearms on the rim!!!!*

[@chadcastagana9181]

15:56 "yes sympathize with this" Jupiter Jones is a human being that never volunteered for the role unlike the fearless superhero Princess Leia who has no human weaknesses

[@thatonkgau5221]

Yeah and she accepted the role and changed her mind halfway

[@hernehaugen6878]

I was NOT prepared for that sudden Jeremy Irons clip, and I choked on my water. Good one, dude.

[@roberttreacy8271]

When Eddie Redmayne whispers, he sounds like Voldemort.

[@Lauren_210]

Funny how you mention that because Eddie Redmayne is currently Newt Scamander in the Fantastic Beast series (which is part of the Wizarding World). 😂

[@KorenLesthe]

« avada... kadavra... DO IT !! »

[@emryslurker1557]

I think Redmayne expected it to be a melodrama space opera. Only, CWS was actually the producers. 😂

[@swizzle4344]

Him: "Yes, he's part wolf and his name is Caine. As in canine. Because fuck subtlety." Me: an owner of a wolf dog named Kane. 💅

[@nathaniellevesque2782]

If there was to be a movie made of Redmayne, Irons, and Sheen hamming it up, there would be arrest warrants out for the producers. Why you might ask, the people who would see the movie would literally die of laughter.

[@michaelsinger4638]

+Nathaniel Levesque Don't forget about Angus MacFayden in Warriors of Virtue. "llolololoo, WARRIORS, come out and plllaaaay, hahahahhaha." Seriously, that was hamming it up at it's most hilarious.

[@NoMoreNever]

+Michael Singer I would suggest adding Wings Hauser from Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time to that list as well. His villain Arklon in that movie is easily the best thing about it! And thank you for reminding me of Komodo, he is beyond hilarious! XD

[@ph89787]

+Nathaniel Levesque Throw in Tim Curry for good measure.

[@lotte9503]

+Michael Singer Lol your comment made me laugh so hard, I didn't understand a thing he said during that scene "lololololo!" XD That would definitely complete the freakshow.

[@tyrantgregcagkaiju71]

And John Travolta's character Terl from Battlefield Earth.

[@eddieolshefski6467]

I have to agree with Smeghead. We need to have a movie with Jeremy Irons, Michael Sheen and Eddie Redmayne together. Hilarity in the making right there. I will pay big money to see it in theaters.

[@imaadshahrukh4829]

With Guy Pearce added in.

[@WinterSteele]

I think "Jupiter Ascending" would've worked a lot better as a novel. Some concepts are best explored within a written medium because they would seem overly silly/ridiculous if depicted in live-action, and this is a great example of that.

[@serenitymoon825]

I've never been stung by a bee, I must be royalty too!

[@anikmonette2140]

Same.

[@BarronVonSchnoot]

Y’all are lucky. And probably royalty.

[@roberttrester4030]

I cover my whole naked body with bees and honey and let the dog lick it off. IM DEFINITELY ROYALTY!!!

[@themann6669]

Does it make you a deity if you've never been stung by wasps??

[@nonblanc7288]

i'd completely blanked having seen this movie at the cinema. Thanks for reminding me why it has no place in my memory

[@johnnysparkle]

Word of Saint Paul: Mila Kunis says that the main reason Jupiter is stuck cleaning houses is because she's too lazy to get a different job. Eddie Redmayne says Balem speaks with a rasp because a wolf-man ripped out his larynx (but hasn't said whether it was Caine).

[@MrKlausbaudelaire]

The thing about this movie is that... I kinda like this idea. Earth being used for "cattle" by a Game of Thrones-esque family who use it to be immortal, each one wanting t otake over the planet but they need to get over the obstacle that is the "reincarnation" of the matriarch, conveyed by the genetic code repeating itself (which is almost a mathematical impossibility) which, for me, could be an entire trilogy rather than cram it all in a single movie.

[@dvass7253]

I think Eddie Redmayne has waited his whole life to play a villainous role. Prior to Jupiter Ascending, he auditioned for the role of Harry Osborn in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, being friends with Andrew Garfield and all. No offense to Dane DeHaan, I thought he did a really good job, but oh boy, is the idea of Eddie as the Green Goblin awesome. Plus, he's still holding out hope that one day he'll get to play a villain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe:"I think those Marvel films like The Avengers - Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hiddleston are pals and they look like they have quite a lot of fun on there, so perhaps I could play some sort of weird English baddie."So, guys, which Marvel or, heck, even DC villain do you want Eddie Redmayne to play?

[@jetray96]

Stilt-Man

[@cameronantoine2106]

I honestly think he could play Count Vertigo for DC or Captain Britain for Marvel.

[@GaryTurbo]

Joker

[@GaryTurbo]

Joker

[@michaelwinchester5003]

I know the part has already been cast but I think he could've been a really cool Riddler in the new Batman movie

[@sebastianemond5313]

15:10 - 15:21 Mel Gibson: "They seem to have trouble with pantry doors."

[@gamestation2690]

I think this review is miles better than the Nostalgia Critic's.

[@victoriamartines5030]

+GameStation3 Both are good in their own rights.

[@victoriamartines5030]

Scratch that: NC's review was better. Smeghead ripped off allot from it. Even word by word lines. I'm not saying Smeghead done a worse review. It's only the sensation of deja-vu that make this review like an yesterday soup: it help you with the hunger, but it not satisfy it. He can do pretty good job and he can be fairly original, but this review get a ''meh'' from me.

[@ithinkmynameismoo5e]

+GameStation3 Smeghead is much more clever.

[@cloudysky581]

+victoria martines Well, there's only so many different ways you can call shitty movies shit.

[@eakintunde84]

ithinkmynameismoose I completely agree. The Smeghead is more concise, direct, and his humor is not that of a 5 year-old. Plus you don't have to sit through a 5 minute unfunny skit before the actual review.

[@Zice033]

Spongebob kicked this movie's ass on it's opening weekend. Now I have this wonderful image of SpongeBob kicking Eddie Redmayne's whispery, screaming ass.

[@TiciTotyTony]

Spongebob never won an Oscar ( ͡° ʖ̯ ͡°) i thought his performance in Grandma's Kisses was a scene stealer

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

+Zice033 Which is odd, because when he screams he sounds like a hybrid of Spongebob and Sam Kinnison. "GO!!!"

[@deer5319]

you are an underrated reviewer and also your facial expressions are hilarious

[@MelBrooksFan78]

Sean Bean was in three movies in 2015 (Jupiter Ascending, Pixels, and The Martian)...and he didn't die in any one of them.

[@l.tc.5032]

MelBrooksFan78 maybe he's tired of it and only took roles where he wouldn't die.

[@MelBrooksFan78]

L. T C. I'll believe that, because that's how I'd feel too.

[@Darkslayer289]

With only one of them being good.

[@BugsyFoga]

MelBrooksFan78 That's a world record!!!

[@jbvader721]

@@l.tc.5032 In 2019, Sean Bean has said he stopped taking roles where his character dies after "Game of Thrones". Apparently, we made way too many jokes about it.

[@elveganocordobes6708]

The burocratic secuence of Jupiter Ascending reminds me Hitchikers guide to the galaxy, but much much worse

[@midgetwthahacksaw]

El Vegano Cordobes At least that scene in Hitchhikers was MEANT to be boring and added character development for the aliens. Also for comic effect in a dry sense. Here? It's torture.

[@teheyepatch]

I never get tired of seeing that Spaceballs clip. It always fits so well :D

[@thatonkgau5221]

I think Jupiter ascending could've worked if they made it a TV show and tried a lot harder to make Jupiter a more interesting and compatant female heroin. And tried to simplify the plot a lot more.

[@nathaniellevesque2782]

Well he was accurate about Redmayne winning the Razzie for worst supporting actor.

[@wjzav1971]

You can really tell, they were inspired by Anime on this one, if you look at the costume designs and overall story and world building. The Wachowskies should try their hand at Anime Adaptation at some point.

[@MetaLord395]

Didn't they already do that with Speed Racer?

[@jakearmstrong6993]

@@MetaLord395 yeah and it was gloriously batshit.

[@RawbeardX]

YES! finally someone else who put the connection between Eddie Redmayne's performance and Jeremy Irons' in the D&D movie. and I wonder what came first, him acting crazy, or the dragon men, to tie those even closer

[@galeforce3192]

"Bees have been genetically engineered to recognize royalty." This needs to be said: royal jelly, you're doing it wrong.

[@NicklasZandeVGCP2001]

"I create life," Prince Balem explained calmly. "And I'll destroy it."

[@michaelsinger4638]

This movie is almost worth watching just for Eddie Redmayne. He's hilarious. "I OVER ACT!!!! And underact."

[@zeonthedigger6851]

All hail Emperor Smeghead!

[@Blaqjaqshellaq]

When he gets his wings back, does a bell ring?

[@stevesloan7132]

Because in space . . . No one can hear you over-act.

[@171QA]

Remember that Neo chose to save his girlfriend instead of the human race. The directors rehashed their own mistakes.

[@TheFLAMEXD]

I'm sorry but I seriously geeked out when you mentioned Anime convention.

[@171QA]

+Thunder Goku I would've gone with cyberpunk in favor with the whole sci-fi feel.

[@mnirwin5112]

4:22 " ... by a man with pointy ears and hoverskates." My first thought: "WTF is Spock doing on hoverskates??"

[@dvass7253]

13:02 - Actually, Sean, Kalique did have a motive for kidnapping Jupiter. Right after she reveals that her mother died, she says "My mother and I did not always get along. But I hope that this Recurrence might mean a second chance for both of us." She saw this as a chance to make amends with her mother and she wanted to take that chance. Granted, it could've been delved into a little more, but it's something. And I actually wish they had explored this more, because unlike her brothers, Kalique actually comes across as an honest and kind person, not a backstabber like Titus. I got the sense that she really loved her mother and missed her very much. Granted, she still supports the harvesting of other worlds for making the Abrasax Youth Serum, but you see what I'm getting at - there was a lot of possibilities to be had with her character. Which is why Jupiter Ascending should've been made into a TV series because that's its biggest problem to me - it feels like a TV show season which got crammed into a 2-hour movie, and my God, does it show. I still find the movie entertaining, but the fact remains that it's a goddamn clusterfuck. It's clear that the Wachowskis had tons of idea they wanted to explore, but they couldn't due to the limited runtime.

[@countbleck753]

Why does a girl bear the name of Jupiter, a male roman god?

[@Cthulu1985]

Because "Venus Ascending" sounds a bit porn-ish...

[@grainneorgracequinn2888]

Oh...

[@maksymcazymir1727]

because when you say jupiter you think about a woman. at least me. so yea

[@devinthierault]

Uranus Descending is also not what you want to see when you "push too hard" for a Blockbuster if you know what I mean

[@MercenaryX21]

This thing is Twilight in space, I'm not touching it with anything!

[@catfoy8888]

No the host was on earth

[@phookadude]

This movie could have been fixed in the end with a simple bit. The bad guy grabs her and all the sudden she looks up and says "I just realized something, I have grown up scrubbing toilets in a gravity well and you've spent a millennia in a zero gee orgy chamber." She then snaps his arm like a twig.

[@weaselsworld]

Something that was missed, best filed under "fuck subtlety": That elephant man's name was Ganesh. As in the Hindu god of beginnings, who has the head of an elephant. So you gotta wonder: what did that do for that elephant guy's brother Marvin? I'm sure there were some hurt feelings in that family...

[@rogerlynch5279]

9:20 Here is another Computer Game reference. This room reminds a lot at the Landing Plattform for the gondula from the Earth surface in BIOSHOCK INFINITY.

[@JeffreyDeCristofaro]

"Needs of the many, bitch!" LMFAO 🤣 Yeah, I saw this with my mom and kid bro and for whatever fun moments we had, we also had a problem with the title character, such a shame since Mila Kunis did her best. Also, apparently our local film critic was one of the very FEW to give this a position review upon release mostly for its style and silliness.

[@davidmayo7119]

I actually liked Jupiter Ascending. I was the ONLY one in the theater that burst out laughing when Aro burst out in that wierd possesd 5 year old girl laugh, It was great.

[@MrPleers]

Can't wait to see a "Fant4stic" review Sean.

[@martythetickler]

I'd do pretty much anything to see Eddie Redmayne and Jeremy Irons in a movie together. Michael Sheen, I think, is a tad too subtle. :)

[@michaelsinger4638]

+martythetickler Nicolas Cage, got to have Nicolas Cage in a "hamming it up" contest. That's just universal law.

[@martythetickler]

+Michael Singer If I liked Nicholas Cage, perhaps. But I don't. So no movie I ever see will have him.

[@Genevieve1023]

+BrokenWolf1990 What about William Shatner?

[@martythetickler]

I've only seen Star Trek from Shatner and he didn't overact in that at all. Except, of course, for "KHAAAAAAAAN!!"

[@ph89787]

Throw in Tim Curry for good measure.

[@nathaniellevesque2782]

It's rare that both the Smeghead and the Nostalgia Critic release new reviews on the same day.

[@forfluf]

I enjoy how the critics devour this movie like it was BBQ sauce drenched ribs.

[@JohnSmith-eo5sp]

6:04 That is a beautiful cityscape, they could have done more with it than the simple dialog the characters here deliver

[@tyrantgregcagkaiju71]

7:10 You forgot to mention John Travolta. A two-time Oscar-nominated actor.

[@grzegorzbalcerak576]

props for the Opeth t-shirt!

[@daelen.cclark]

The Wachowskis with Terry Gilliam is kind of sad knowing what we know now about Gilliam.

[@Scatscar1985]

Anyone who remembers "The Three Investigatiors" books, will find the name Jupiter Jones very familiar...

[@caitling.9358]

The concept and second half sounds like "Sailor Moon," but Sailor Moon could actually take care of herself sometimes.

[@charlesvan13]

You missed the part where Jupiter uses a maxipad as a bandage on Wolfman.

[@ezrawyvern6795]

I watched this movie for my birthday alongside my parents. Yeah, sometimes it sucks to have a birthday in the first week of February.

[@Jeffrey314159]

18:25 You want a really strange movie? Checkout LIQUID SKY, a movie that also came out in 84

[@圣主-p4q]

Waited for TOO long, Smeghead! Missed you way too much! ^_^

[@kreiyu]

This movie had some good ideas and neat concept. Would have worked better as a book.

[@NoMoreNever]

After your vlog about Jupiter Ascending, I was sold on Eddie Redmayne! He is still the main reason I will watch this movie, and secondly the train wreck of glory it supposedly is. Your teasers for the next cinematic exrement are as cryptic as always, but I`ll make an educated guess and go for Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I love your reviews, so keep it up!

[@krdragon6950]

A lot of people thought that Star Wars was a “silly movie “ at the time in came out, until it became the biggest movie of all time and lasted for over 40 years.

[@fermintenava5911]

This one is still taking its sweet-ass time.

[@NemedPhoenixMagic]

Even you, even a channel called cinematic excrement, are too nice to this damn film. I can barely imagine a way this film could be worse. :D

[@oswin1234]

I am halfway through this review and I already know what the producer's thought process was during the pitching process.... Concept 1) That sounds AWESOME! Concept 2) That sounds AWESOME! Concepts 3-Fnarg) These sound AWESOME! Now make a movie with them in it....

[@TotallyNotRedneckYall]

Half a Bean, philosophically, Must, ipso facto, half not Bean. But half the Bean, has got to Bean, Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?

[@lauradietrich9424]

I would just like to mention that Olivia de Havilland's Maid Marian in 1938's "The Adventures of Robin Hood" needs to be rescued only once. Bear that in mind: Maid Marian, one of fiction's premiere damsels in distress, in a movie made over 80 years ago by a bunch of dudes who didn't give a wet fart about feminism, needs to be rescued exactly ONCE. Jupiter Jones, on the other hand, an allegedly "strong female character" in a movie made in the 2010s, needs to be rescued an embarrassing number of times and is dull, forgettable, and contributes jack all to the plot. Again, just something to think about.

[@RichardWatt]

And in Maid Marian and her Merry Men, Marian kicks ass, rarely needs rescuing (if ever), and it's Robin Hood who's the doofus.

[@jfchm]

I'm new in your channel, good reviews. It's funny but not over the top, like it. And like your shirt, Opeth is great!

[@圣主-p4q]

Your "GO!!!" tops the Redmayne "GO!!!" by so many levels, Smeghead! LOL

[@char124eve]

soooooo...., any plans for 50 shades of Grey?

[@Isaac-gh5ku]

Imagine if Jupiter Ascending was made by The Asylum Studio? Then it will be a proper B-movie.

[@justinriley]

Here are my (soon to be wrong) predictions for the next review: 1. The Phantom Menace 2. Lost In Space 3. Pluto Nash

[@grkpektis]

@10:44 do you watch linkara? Great reference

[@bobross1829]

This was the film that really proved, once and for all, the Wachowskis are actually crap and they just somehow got lucky in the first Matrix movie.

[@melissam6931]

I don't know if this would fix anything but I feel like Kalique's character would've made more sense and been more amusing if she abused the RegeneX to keep herself to the age of a child. Then her spouting off exposition, wanting to be closer to her mom and completely ignoring Caine when he broke in would've been a bit more justified as her acting childish. You could also add in the conflict that she's such a clingy kid that she wouldn't want Caine to take her mom away to the space police. The only downfall to this is you'd have to find a kid actor who could've pulled it off without being annoying.

[@roberttreacy8271]

I CREATE LIFE....and I destroy it.

[@MaesterMike]

I don't know about anyone else, but the designs of many of the characters in this film are so laugh out loud stupid that they're kind of amazing. I mean, look at that guy at 11:47 to the left of the owl faced guy! That guy is my favorite! It's like, how could anyone in any big budget movie studio like Warner Bros. look at that one guy's design (or anyone else's, for that matter) and actually think that looks okay? It's incredible to me!

[@BigEOT3]

The literal Elephant Man's design from this movie cracked me up so hard.

[@000MidnightSun]

Opeth! You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention

[@ithinkmynameismoo5e]

I'm looking forward to your We are Your Friends review which I expect will come once it is released.

[@CyberSpider35]

Since when dogs (or humans for that matter) have wings? Or Tatum also has quoter of some avian DNA?

[@exbronco1980]

there's a movie critic on youtube named Decker Shado. he said he didn't care what any other critic thought about a movie. that's a good way to critique movies. i liked this movie.

[@ph89787]

Well it killed a couple of hours on my flight up to Hong Kong last year. So it's not all bad.

[@charlesvan13]

Why in the effing world would a studio give anyone 200 million to make a sci-fi movie with a Plan 9 from Outer Space script?

[@hexroadammo9608]

Imagine the character is a guy and his name is Dick Uranus

[@圣主-p4q]

Man, Stargate did this WAY better: The possessed "human" from other-galaxy Earth also said "I created your world and I'll destroy it" - in FREAKIN' UNINTELLIGIBLE ALIEN LANGUAGE! - and that totally creamed this Redmayne's weak line.

[@MetaLord395]

I knew it! I knew he would do Jupiter Ascending! :D

[@troyschulz2318]

I saw this in IMAX 3D on opening weekend. And it was AWESOME!!!!

[@PS4sos21]

Go to your nearest Blockbuster and rent it...

[@origamipein18]

How can a movie with Jupiter in its title suck so hard?

[@jwhaler82]

Smeghead: GO!!!! XD That ending cracks me up every time.

[@Syntania]

"Sean the half a Bean". I see what you did there.....they missed the opportunity to name him Eric.

[@weswolever7477]

And he loves him carnely

[@BloodRawEngine89]

There were so many missed opportunities to bring nack your "SUBTLE!!!~" riff with Kane.

[@roberttreacy8271]

9:13 I love all the candles in the room.

[@johnwatson3948]

Warner Brothers is considering a write-off strategy be used in advance for future Wachowski projects.