Codependency: What It Is and IS NOT. Explaining Self-Love Deficit Disorder.

[@meiw8358]

Thank you Doctor Rosenberg, I get it now, I thought I loved myself, but unconsciously, I could be the SLD because my mother sounds like a covered narcissist, my sister sound like the malignant narcissist, I was abused discard, the one being exploited all my younger life, then my husband also is a narcissist. Now I get it, I was programmed by the narcissists and the only way to keep the peace is to gave up my own happiness to avoid the conflicts. Then now I am educated and realized that I was a people pleaser afraid to say No to the family members who offered me, now I am going to love myself first and learning to say No to those who has been disrespectful , and uses offending behavior to me. Thank you doctor.

[@iamthenews5624]

These talks are my sermons. Thank you 🙏 Amen 🙏

[@tonifoster1835]

Love your work Ross, thank you very much. You describe me as a recovering a SLD. I quote you often when chatting to anyone who has attracted a narc even a narcissistic boss.

[@MARLA116]

Thank you Dr. Rosenberg. Regardless of how much work I have done on myself, I know I am always a work in progress. This is another step on my journey as I return my life to it's proper order after 30 years of 'marriage' to a covert narcissist and all the blame, shame, and burden I have carried. TY.

[@dhealing]

In CBT therapy I learned that a major cognitive distortion I have lived with since childhood is, "I'm not good enough.". I thought of this when you mentioned core shame.

[@cathyjennings5580]

Lack of self- CARE, self-REGARDS, & Self- TRUTH, SELF- PROTECTION, SELF-IMAGE GOOD NOT Good enough, empty, etc. Positive Nano

[@domingabarboza9897]

TY4SHARING...words describing my feelings 😢

[@sharmalarm]

Interesting. Makes sense. Narcissists are codependent too, though. They depend on those who fall for their tricks.

[@ranc1977]

Narcissistic abuse itself - exposure to psychological abuse of narcissists is what caused our codependency issues, issues with lack of self love.

[@snyds03]

Thank you Ross! Excellent video and explanation! You have nailed this complex, complicated, and heartbreaking ( for so many people) problem/issue/condition. In the future can you put out a video about ACOA’s, why they have a tendency to find one another and get into relationships? And can you explain what a relationship between two active/controlling SLDD’s looks like and what the differences are between an active/over-controlling SLDD and a Narcissist (since there are some overlapping characteristics.) Thank You!

[@ranc1977]

I see codependency more from social aspect and social anxiety - not only romantic contact. This means I will depend on emotions and moods of co-workers, cashier, random strangers who are somehow in contact with me: at public transport, in a que, at other side of phone etc. Of course, this also reflects in romantic contact which always end up with abuse and invalidation, attracting Cluster B monsters by being kind and nice. I agree with Ross that at the root of codependency is lack of self love. I call this self love also as self worth, intrinsic locus of control, trusting in my capabilities, it is entity/concept opposite of internalized toxic shame, I see self love as self validation, self acceptance: which means accepting my mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge which Cluster B attack and present as catastrophe and our toxicity and even as abuse- that we somehow hurt other people by our mistakes: which trigger our shame and moral ethical desire not to harm other people. This way psychopaths are turning our highest values as human civilized beings against ourselves-- Think of accountability, truth and honesty and advocacy as needles and corona system which attacks evil, depravity, abnormality, psychopathy. What Cluster B monsters do - they simply turn those needles of ethical and moral standards against ourselves. They do this through Glasser disconnection policies: "Controlling Habits: Blaming Criticizing Complaining Nagging Rewarding To Control Threatening Punishing William Glasser" These all lead to psychological abuse, narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse - and exposure over long period of time to narcissistic abuse leads to brain injury and trauma. In early years exposure to this abuse leads to Complex Trauma (CPTSD which is not the same as PTSD). And we are not aware what is going on. We have no idea that criticism is tool and attack - instead due to moral ethical and normal healthy standards - we perceive criticism as help and service, something which helps us to be better person. In toxic contact - it cannot be better since criticism is intrusive, personal, thwarted, lie, manipulation, control, coercive control, gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, devalue phase, it is hidden tool to hurt, harm, exploit and immobilize the target of abuse. But we do not see it, without education about narcissistic abuse - we do not see it as abuse. We see it as help and we become codependent with critical person who is antagonistic and use criticism to control other people. We see it as help because along with empathy and trials not to make mistakes, not to harm other people, negative politeness where we avoid making other people feel bad - in toxic contact this negative politeness urge turns into enabling abuse, evil and toxic people in their criminal activities. We might come up with anger idea not to be negative polite and to engage in Fight response - which only gives psychopaths exacty what they need and want: constant attention, our loss of control and drama, conflict - which gives them energy in sick way. Also by Fight response we over-generalize and then use it against good and nice people who may appear narcissistic to us at first - and this way we will destroy friendships and any normal contact - and in the end become abusers and toxic person ourselves - because we listen to narcissists such as Jordan Petersons and young hoodlum internet gurus who tell us to be strong, alpha, manly, macho and have teeth. Due to lack of self love - we do not see it that with self love we would embrace our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, flaws and be fine with those - as long as we are not anti-social, there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us.

[@dummyaccount-ko1ph]

wow

[@LindaSHarris0614]

Thank you, Ross Rosenberg. I understand it, thanks to your books, videos, podcast. However, to find a professional who understands, at least 80% of your concepts, methods, techniques, and why they work, this is not easy to do; I know I've done some looking, I'm not discouraged because I know how important this knowledge is for us to evolve out of this, misguided way of being for centuries. We are supposed to be stepping into the new age of love and life. Ops😊 That's

[@wereone3480]

Thank you Ross! Your explanation clears some things up for me. I always scratched my head when someone said that codependents try to control their partner. I can very much relate to the SLDD model because I always wanted to do what made my partner happy and whatever kept the peace. Unfortunately, I had to learn much of this the hard way, but your message and your channel gives a lot of hope in terms of dealing with the real issues. I plan to get your book. Thanks!!

[@Rainbow-love-hope-shine]

Hello, I’m a 36 year old woman. I have no kids or significant other. I’m a beautiful girl so it surprises a lot of people. I have had nothing but heartbreak from narcissistic men. I have been discarded eight times in a row by men I really loved. I think I need codependent therapy. Everything that you said really resonated with me and I’m slowly learning to love myself more. I just set my first boundary with my covert narcissistic partner/ex… it didn’t even take them a week to cross it. I’m finding the strength to end it completely. I love what you said about self loving people, not even being attracted to narcissist. That is where I want to get. Please reach out if u can help me.

[@4everu984]

Rule out or treat (EMDR) PTSD. Could be fawning. And yes, therapy with a skilled therapist. I highly recommend daily yoga or tai chi....meditation.

[@Rainbow-love-hope-shine]

@@4everu984 Aloha, thank u for the advice. Ur so sweet. I live on Maui too. :)

[@katieandnick4113]

What about codependents who are so codependent that they allow their children to be abused horrifically by their partner? How can someone, especially a mother, allow that if she has a conscience?

[@andrewhaywood3853]

Some codependents have SLDD and will put up with a lot, but will call the cops if the NPD crosses the line into criminality. But some people are labelled co dependants when they are actually Covert Narcissists, or even higher up the Psychopathy spectrum. Having Narcissism themselves means you are dealing with a trickier situation regarding conscience and empathy - it might depend on what they have been through themselves, as somebody who has been raped as a child would think it’s normal and may be higher in Psychopathy leading them to cover up, whereas a low level covert Narcissist with no family history of child sexual abuse is more likely to call the cops if it’s done to their child regardless of co dependency.

[@Metanaut1]

i ended up with someone with BPD, totally destroyed me.

[@LR-yu3mx]

I remember when I married my husband, I was totally dependent on him. I am sure I could not exist without him!I loved him very much, our whole marraige till he died. Coming out of a toxic family with a narcissist mother, I know that I was a broken person who could not keep standing without him. Gradually I grew stronger and self-confident, realising that something was not right with him. I know now, he was borderline.

[@alimrashid9765]

Sir your over 9000!

[@domingabarboza9897]

You change my mind about my future 😂

[@danskhansen]

We would do well to stop using the word codependent completely. From its humble beginnings in the chemical dependency treatment community, it has morphed into a blanket term referring to a wide range of relationship issues, leading to numerous misconceptions as to what is or is not considered healthy.

[@JohnSmith-ps9gy]

I don’t resonate with the self love title I do love myself Narcissists come to me and leave me. I’m a loner by heart

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

I have a fearful avoidant attachment style but am a fawn/fight type who is attracted to emotionally Unavailable people, or I used to be . the fearful avoidant part is what prevented me from becoming a codependent by making me self-sabotage when I found myself loving the person more than myself projecting all that is good in me that I cannot except onto them , but I definitely have struggled with SLD. I just wont allow anyone to hurt me but i always end up hurting myself. Good job

[@ranc1977]

I labeled this a fearful avoidant attachment style as social anxiety inside me. Then CBT (including industry self help books based on CBT) lead me astray by explaining that toxic people do not exist and that I must expose to toxic people in order to become de-sensitized. This ended up with me becoming people pleaser, fawning, more fearfully avoidant and detached - since toxic people are toxic, CBT cannot absolve them from their Cluster B urges.

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

@@ranc1977 I feel you , you got to find the right therapy for you , like for example my younger brother introduced me back into gaming, now I'm not a gamer per say , but i do play and honestly its help me regain confidence, trust in my perceptions & judgements, it allows me to monitor my progress myself and not look to others for approval or validation, the same like weightlifting that too has helped me in the same way especially when i have heavy weights above my head that can hurt or kill me if done incorrectly or if I'm not present, which is what it helps with keeping me present in the moment even tho my mind always travels but it allows me to come back to the now am i ready for a relationship tho with someone outside of myself not yet, not because of the relationship part but the sex I'm not ready for sex and that's not fair to the other person which is where a lot of my people pleaser tendencies come out i know how to make the other person happy, but I haven't learned to enjoy it for myself. I struggle with feeling pleasure and pain but nor is it a focus of mine I'm obsessed with truth and insight, I guess my pleasures are more cerebral and abstract than somatic and my pains more emotional then sensation (I'm a demisexual /sapiosexual) most of cluster b has been changed in the dsm , tbh cluster a and cluster c are far more dangerous. people who are disassociated and cut of from spirit and God are not healthy and that's what society want to move along do your job pay your bills Calvinism and stoicism some antilife equation (like its considered a mental health problem to be depressed for more than 13days after losing a loved one like wtf who gets to put a cap on your pain and loss so that's the real reason why cluster b is seen the way they are even though they are that way due to childhood trauma but cluster bs are just emotional is all sometimes unstable, but they aren't dead inside, wild sure like cluster b is called wild , cluster a is weird and cluster c is worried. wild atleast can be fun how about you do you struggle with pain and pleasure?