Coming Out Later in Life: Understanding Sexuality from Childhood to Present (with Iris Walker)

Welcome to the first episode of Made It Out! We're going back to the beginning and looking at childhood and sexuality. Join Mal and Iris Walker as they dive into the heteronormative expectations put on us as children, the shame we are taught to feel about our sexuality growing up, and how it all impacts our ability to explore. Iris shares her struggles with defining her sexuality later in life, the stigmas put on the bisexual community, and how hard it is to date in your 30s when you're still unsure.
Please remember to subscribe, rate, review and share this podcast with your dentist! Follow the show at @madeitoutpodcast and follow Mal at @malglowenke

[@mariaisabelpinero5415]

Mal, talking about this issues is so necessary and important. I was born in Venezuela, one of the few countries in Latinamerica where still to this day there are no rights for the LGBTQ Community. Zero. On top of that, I went to a girls only nun's School and had homophobic parents. I married at 25, had a beautiful son, and separated at 42. Thats 17 years married. I've had a girlfriend since 2016 and never felt more loved, sexy and fulfilled. I have examined my life and noticed all the signs since childhood, all overlooked by me, and buried in shame. I used to think I was bisexual, because I really loved my husband for many years. But the more I remember myself in my childhood and adolescence, the more I realize it was always the girls. I just married because I did not know there were other options, and I did not want the rejection and shame from my family and friends. What you are doing is so important. The earlier you know, the more you will find your true self. You are very brave. Thank you.❤

[@angiebbb]

I'm 27 years old, and I'm also from Venezuela. I've got a similar story - grew up with homophobic parents, attended a Catholic school and lived in a conservative community. Spent five years in an abusive and codependent relationship with my first boyfriend. When I finally ended things with him, I started dating girls and realized I'd actually been attracted to them since high school. But I kept that part of me hidden because I felt incredibly ashamed and guilty. A lot of therapy and moving out of the country helped me begin to embrace my sexuality. I still struggle with feelings of shame and fear of being judged, especially when I'm open about my sexuality. One thing I've noticed since being abroad is that people, at least in my circle, don't assume your sexual orientation and don't judge your preferences. That was a big step for me in feeling more comfortable with myself. If you made it to the end, thank you so much. This journey has been incredibly tough, but having access to content like this has helped me understand myself better and continue to reflect on my feelings.

[@KayBassie]

24:17 "I didnt get a fair chance" I love that take on it. Because of the homophobic society we are raised in we didnt get the same opportunity as straight kids to realize and exlore our sexuality. Straight kids grow up with their identity being accepted. So you could date, prom dates, Disney media with straight rel, film+tv in general etc Just being intro to Iris and her vulnerability is making me😢. Dont feel bad about still figuring it out at your age. And yes, us lesbians grew up with bicurious girls that teased and toyed with us, not taking us seriously. Those neg reactions to you being a late in life queer comes from a place of trauma and hurt. Thats on them not on you. Dont feel bad. Figure you out in your own time. There are late in life queers over age of 50, so do you😊

[@user-ye1bg4iu6m]

🌈🌈Very well said, thank you. SPOT ON!!🌈🌈

[@basiclesbian]

I was gonna clean my house and do laundry…instead I watched both of these. Thanks for that? 😂

[@mybrainismagiccity]

Iris is so pretty 😍 I have to say as someone who’s a lesbian, when I was younger I would avoid dating bi girls, as often time i felt like a lab experiment.. short term, ‘fun’ time but as I’ve gotten older I feel my perspective has changed.. as along as the connection is real and the intention is right, that’s all that matters.

[@themaggattack]

Yeah, I think we were all a bit wary of bisexuals- Even I was cautious of bisexuals, and I AM bisexual!! 🥴 Internalized bi-phobia is REAL. Bi-phobia can be attributed to many factors: 1. The expectation modeled for women by the performance industry to please the male gaze (Madonna kissing Brittany... Katie Perry "You're my experimental game" - EXCUSE me?! TF I am!) ...mixed with internalized misogyny... which lead to performative bisexuality among the general population. 2. Old stereotypes that all bi people must be wanton nymphomaniacs. 3. The old fear that bisexuals (especially males) spread AIDS 4. Gay people pretending to be bi (because before the AIDS scare, being bi use to be considered more acceptable than being gay) Of course this pretense lead to good old fashioned bi-erasure (The mentality of: "pick a side, get off the fence!") I know the LGBT+ community still has push back from homophobes, but Thank GAWD we have evolved as a community to at least stick together, to understand, validate, and stand up for eachother. ❤

[@luzinesc2844]

Those talks are so comfortable to watch, it feels like we are in this safe enviroment no one judges you or is mean and is genuinely interested in you, so cool! Thank you for doing this project💝

[@BrakeKing]

I love this conversation! I don’t often reveal my journey or my coming out story if I’m not in a relationship because of fear of being judged, of course. But for some reason I want to today, maybe this topic has inspired me . I grew up with narcissistic conservatives parents who dictated and manipulated my entire existence. I grew up with the fear of “not being excepted through the gates of heaven” if I were gay or a prostitute. I grew up Catholic and with the fear of being wrongfully judged by my family and society. I married young because Ii saw it as an opportunity to break loose of what I felt was a miserable life. I am grateful to had met the father of my 3 girls. Having children was the only thing I did right in my parent’s eyes. The relationship lasted 8 years, but it ended because I was miserable and make no effort to sustain the relationship, although he was and always will be my best friend we could not move forward. I then started dating women but never accepted myself, and had my relationships in secrecy. No woman accepted that kind of relationship. As my girls grew older, I wanted to raise them with a male figure in the household to be a father figure so i met another man through my girls father, my best friend. This man eventually wanted children, mostly his family. I wanted to please them all plus I always wanted a boy. Had my boy, that marriage lasted 10 years. But, the same thing happened him, he was not pleased in the relationship and sex was almost non-existent in both relationship, yet miraculously I had 4 children. Try explaining that in my position to lesbians lol. I finally grew the balls to come out the closet after my daughters came out to me. My 2 older daughter are gay and they are encouraged me to come out and released me from all the chains I felt were golding me back. I finally came out as a Masc woman at 37. Moral of the story, no one has the right to dictate who you are, don’t be afraid of being who you are, no matter when you decide to do it. No one has walked in your shoes but you ,don’t give you power away. Stand proudly in your journey and do not mask your feelings. “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss

[@LavieNK]

My background and upbringing had a massive impact on my awareness of my sexuality. It was all very repressive and very heteronormative. When I finally came out to myself I expected a feeling of pure panic but instead I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders partly because I finally gave myself permission to let go of the societal pressure and expectation to lead a stereotypical hetero life.

[@shareyourartistry]

I appreciate this podcast so much! I’m coming up in my 30s and having to unlearn what was taught as well. It’s better to cry it out and live in your truth than to grow resent in a life that is not you.

[@k1ssy0urh3art]

millennial lesbians are so fun i love this

[@michelleengelberts]

I just want to say that these talks are SO important! I love every minute of it and tbh it kind of feels like a therapy session for myself. I can relate to so many things. Thank you so so much for this new platform! ❤️

[@hannahgraceleah]

Iris is so articulate and seems like a lovely person! She’s beautiful! I love this conversation

[@shawnafish4274]

I love this podcast. These are important conversations. When you talk about coming out later I completely understand the struggle. I was in my early 50's when I finally came out. Patience with yourself and others is so important.

[@aliciamartinez3001]

I grew up with a misogynist and homophobic family so I still have a lot of internalized homophobia even tho I been in a 10 year relationship with a woman lol. This was very healing. Thank you ❤🌈

[@Duygu-we3of]

Iris' laughter brings me so much joy 😄 I love your energies

[@SaloYD]

This is is hilarious OMG the Barbie doll story 😂😂😂

[@brebre53878]

Two days in and four podcasts later, I am hooked to this podcast! Thank you Mal and Mathilde for creating this space for gay women. Loved what Iris shared. It was relatable and comforting to hear as a 27 yo black woman coming out later in life. Keep this show going!!

[@yudie2]

Thank y'all for doing this. It was very refreshing to hear someone say that they had experienced some of the same things as me when I was a child.

[@thetransplanter3337]

Hi! I am a 75 y/o trans woman. You're is informative and enlightening I love it!

[@victoriaadair5726]

Watched all the other episodes before this one, and wow. I am just so awestruck with how much I needed this one.

[@carolinekariuki1287]

Iris is really pretty. Thanks for sharing your story. You’ll figure it all out. Love you!

[@Anna_Michelle]

I only recently discovered this podcast and I already love it!

[@hannahpage8182]

thank you so much for creating this podcast. i’ve been working through my sexuality for three years now and it’s so hard to feel like no one has the answers but the awareness and support you’re sharing on here is literally so important. thank y’all for talking about the hard shit

[@yudithtoranzo5379]

Thanks for this amazing episode and such a great podcast, this is so relatable to me and I feel so relieved that I'm not the only one with those childhood experiences. I came out at my 30's and when I look back there were a lot of signs that I ignored, but I finally accept myself and I'm very happy now.

[@vanessaj9299]

This is exactly what we needed. I genuinely enjoyed this episode so much. And had many laughs. Love love love. Continue the great work 🩷🩷🩷

[@LesbianAthleteFeet]

This episode and podcast is incredible! So relatable and wise. Keep up the great work and look forward to many more episodes.

[@TheLemonAndBeanBus]

I don’t know how I never watched the first episode!!!!! This was such a great episode! Your willingness to be so open and talk about things that may embarrass you two was amazing. Thank you for this platform. Watching this to the current is amazing. Pat yourselves on the your back ladies, you’re doing an amazing thing! ❤

[@junedrake5616]

Mal, just discovered you podcast today. Watched all of the episodes. They are wonderful! Love from Canada. ❤️

[@elisehanscamp1029]

So excited for this!!! Can't wait for more episodes! Loved this one, I can relate to coming out late in life and looking back thinking how did I not know!?

[@Alexa-jm8ox]

this kinda made me cry. it’s nice to feel seen

[@dinsche1478]

Oh wow this Episode means a lot to me. I struggled so much with this kids Game. I felt so much shame after we did it. I grew up with so much anger against myself and than this whole stuff with Girls. I still struggle thats why anything you saying in your show is so important to me. Late bloomer

[@jodiedelacruz3466]

this is the best one yet 😭🤣 thank you so much for sharing your stories!! i feel so represented and feel less shameful of my sexuality. SUBSCRIBED!

[@Gentiluomo57]

Bravo! Well done. This is a beautiful thing and very much needed. Best of luck on your podcast journey.

[@mary-janedadvandross2674]

Thank you for your posts. It’s so nice to see people who are real. It ministers to women who are starting their own journey in coming out. There is no judgement and honour there are may ways of coming out. All people who have been on this show and yourself are real. Thanks again. M-J Abbotsford BC

[@jvaldez6178]

From SATX - great podcast I stumbled upon. Was very refreshing to listen to fellow lesbians as I paint at work. 👏👏👏

[@Seia894]

I have also been questioned on dates and it feels like an attack sometimes. Figuring out your sexuality is different for everyone and it seems like some people have a hard time understanding this. I completely relate to this podcast ❤🎉

[@azel6739]

Tiktok got me here :3 Thank you for this !

[@eloisejenninger9735]

Love from France ❤ thank you thank you for your vulnerability and encouraging us to be patient, kind with ourselves and with others

[@wildestdreams_]

Mal you're amazing and such a wonderful friend. This podcast is so helpful and refreshing ❤

[@louiseladegaard6177]

So fun, thank you for this great episode

[@camikook]

Thank you both. So much. I really needed this

[@kirzaenid22]

These episodes are amazing thankyou! 🎉🎉🎉

[@eshevlyakova]

Regarding sex games in childhood, it seems to me that everyone went through this)) When I was 8 years old, I had a wife and a child... My friends and I went to someone’s house after school and played, and there were not exactly children’s games) I think even then everything was clear about my sexual orientation

[@LamAnopro_]

Eat game helped to realize?

[@NotAnotherKuromi]

I didn't experince this but I don't think it is anywhere near as rare as some people think

[@jessicatjoa3573]

thanks so much! I needed this

[@ivonttr6461]

thank you for existing 🥰

[@dcliffy4332]

Im so happy I found this podcast early!!

[@ashleymac9730]

I’m here from Whoreible! Adore you so much. Very excited to catch up on your pod.

[@SineAruaKoete-ur5qs]

Really enjoying all your podcasts ❤

[@JennSarracenia]

Iris is awesome. I loved this 😂😂😂

[@daniawania]

Your podcast is so enlightening

[@loimieforsman2305]

Exactly what I needed ❤

[@kathm8999]

I have always been completely comfortble with being bi sicne i was 18, now 41. But as ive got older i definitely prefer women but its incredibly difficult to navigate now that whole process.

[@benita9078]

I am so thankful for that podcast ❤

[@shelleyseokim]

i'm loving your podcasts :)

[@rNeyshabur]

I loved this!!!! More please!!

[@StrawberryThighDDemon]

Great podcast. It was down-to-earth compared to other content out there that is mostly catered to the 20s audience. So, this was something I could sit with a cup of coffee to and chill. I also grew up in Northern VA. Really, only D.C. these days is the place for the LGBTQ+ community to gather. But back in the day, you had to drive all the way to Baltimore to get some action. BTW, I don't believe in the so-called gaydar because so many women are not open about their sexuality or don't look or give off any vibe they are into women. Because I learned a lot about mental health, I tell people not to cluster sexuality with a mentally unhealthy person. I never saw Bi women as a problem or someone who's curious. They are curious for a reason.

[@poohgettc]

Be who you are Iris, Love who you Love!

[@reesewithlove588]

I love these podcast episodes

[@LesbianAthleteFeet]

When Iris brought out the milk shots, I had a jump scare thinking she got her hands on breast milk

[@harley2277]

I laughed way too hard at this! 😂😂😂

[@cyndykated358]

I always watch the commercials to see if there are any gay couples. There’s a fair amount of guys..but it’s more vague with the women…like they are “roommates”…lol

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

omg i’ve noticed that tooooo

[@marytille29]

this podcast makes me feel included :) i’m so ordinary and that is comforting to know as an adult when it comes to sexuality. Sex is human

[@portialyons6096]

I loved this so much

[@winec00ler]

Big hug. I am 39 and I have been out since 17 and I have yet to really date. Raise conservative christian really messed me up. Also body image issues. We all have issues girl.

[@RemixQUEEN9]

Nice show.. y’all are so cute 🥰

[@Jesseybecca]

These are so interesting. I'd kinda like to hear the comparative childhood experience of lesbian women vs straight women. I feel like that can highlight more of the nature vs nurture argument

[@erikareyes2848]

Aww I feel bad when she started crying, wish I was there to give her a big hug ❤

[@karelinneperalta]

i loved this so much, thanks for this lesbian space xx

[@elissajo3671]

Love it!!

[@healthyself7941]

Mal, oh what a beauty!

[@isabel116]

"no water?" LOOOL loved this ep

[@TyeDellOro]

Great podcast🖤

[@SaloYD]

I loved this

[@elliekath2537]

love this

[@sweetheartxox10]

This is exactly what I was looking for ! Im 25 I finally decided not to care at the age of 23 I’ve struggled for 2 years to actually speak to a girl in a serious romantic way and at 25 now im trying to give it a real shot ….im just so nervous idk and it’s hard for me to take it to the next step. I will really like a girl and flirt and make moves and then when it’s time to get serious I punk out because of me I’m scared Im going to ruin it or something . Il

[@lilithfairxo7068]

I love Iris.

[@alexlesbean8739]

LOL THATS FUNNY BECAUSE WHEN I WAS LIKE 7-10 I HAD A BIG DOLL (wasn’t a Barbie) AND I WOULD LITERALLY KISS HER AND TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES, IT IS EMBARRASSING 😭

[@siphowarrior9080]

This took me out 😂

[@user-ye1bg4iu6m]

🌈Hey girls, talking about breast milk. If you stimulate them, over a period of time, they will begin to produce milk. You young'uns still have a lot to learn and fun learning it. (Take it from an old southern lez). Love your podcasts, always interesting and informative. You make us older ones feel safe and included. Mal, you represent our community very well. Thank you. All the best and continued success. 🫠 P.S. Iris, you're a delight. Continue to spk your truth.🌈🌈🌈

[@AlidaNicole-ff7hi]

YESSS YESSS!!!

[@fuzzyguyenjoyer]

NOT THE MY SIZE BARBIE. SAME 💀

[@nylyyyn7912]

Amen to this rainbow gold content as usual 🤼‍♀️❤

[@brinabridget]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 the end nearly killed me

[@preciousmartin1974]

obsessed

[@olivest509]

I was sa’d by my brothers from a very young age. The difference for me was that I didn’t want to do it, but my brothers coerced me and they were much older than me, teenagers. They also forced me to “verbally consent” which they said was proof that I wanted it and so I’d get in trouble if I told anybody.

[@RG-dr2gz]

Me currently at this stage where I’m like am I lesbain ??bc I’ve literally been with girls when I was little… got caught… and even at the ages 13-15 I had sex with girls… I’ve always had an attraction to females… and currently having a huge crush on my bestfriend… AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND but sometimes I imagine him as a girl…. And I think about leaving him for my best friend cs she’s everything…. And when I think about what I’m attracted to in a guy it’s like… nothing…. Girls I can go on and on… and all the couple goals on my Pinterest are fem on fem… never guy and girl… I’m fighting it so bad but like UGHHH😣😣.

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

guuuuurl 👀❤

[@veronicaaristeguieta3072]

The question of 'do I want to be her, or be with her?' is such a common question for trans lesbians especially when coming out and early in transition because it's just so easy to get gender envy for a pretty girl and not realize you also want to kiss her, or vice versa and have a crush on a pretty girl and not realize that you wanted to be a pretty girl like her. Anyways love the podcast it's been so helpful for me as I have been realizing my lesbianism in such a real, and emotional way.

[@lady_knightnday]

I use to try to model myself after attractive men, but I thought because I found them attractive that I was straight. I should have paid more attention to the fact that I wanted to dress and 'look' like them. Then I totally remembered that I use to make-out with this girl in my neighborhood when I was a kid 😩

[@sharonjacob4469]

Community!!!

[@petalzofahyacinth]

The entire time I watched this I thought "this woman is an Aries." ... sure enough. 😂

[@tellem_kaykay6227]

Im with iris still figuring it out ..but i know what i want still havent came out to my family but a few of them know hut the fact that they ae so homophobic some will never know and thats ok with me😢

[@sylmanyeki9323]

I’m 43 and Im trying to figure it out, my therapist is part of the LGBTQ community.

[@kathm8999]

I'm 41 and figuring this out too.

[@olivest509]

One of first things I did when I realized I was gay was go and buy EVERYTHING I had ever wanted but didn’t get because I thought it would make me look gay. Pictures of naked women in pinup style, a ring that looks like a pair of boobies with jewels for the nipples, some super sexy pictures of my favorite influencer printed out to hang on my wall. Songs that were about loving women. That kind of thing. They bring me so much joy and I don’t care that they put a dent in my savings. They were long overdue.

[@allisonhartje]

Currently on my journey, and the algorithm knew before I did.

[@tellem_kaykay6227]

I mew fom a younger age i liked women but couldnt embrace it until i was like 21 even then still dated men and stop dated men like around 25....

[@ballershanelle]

She has to date younger,😉 sadly in the beginning..get the oddity and the angst and giggles w others. But, there are 30ish women going through things similar or cool to just chill w u and date. be honest, if u don't cheat... That's a selling point. If you cant explain all of u yet, u can say, i am into one on one and focusing on one person. I am on my journey to find love and be less afraid to mess up while trying to love a woman..i am new but not immature

[@ABrklyn1]

I knew Iris was an Aries they have that no-bullshit attitude.

[@rachelfarmer0277]

Still working it out at 47

[@dianalugo5738]

Dear Iris, i only drink bud light!

[@fit3052]

Question for Iris: Do you think ÿour curiosity for women is maybe that your last relationship ended? It's almost like a rebound, but you don't want any other man?

[@lovelight8722]

Not speaking for Iris here but I relate to her story, so I hope you don’t mind if I put my little too cents. I’ve always liked women but felt like being with them fr fr would bring shame to my family - my mom and dad are very well known in my community and had strong homophobic views growing up, on top of that I always attract bi-“curious” friends in my life, I guess gay just recognizes gay 😂, but they either have a preference for men or maybe some are just too ashamed to really be with women like that and whenever we go out, my friends will make out with girls but all they’ll talk about in their sober states is men and it reinforces this idea that men are the end goal and since I am attracted to them too, I just focused on dating men. Now that I’m 27 and single, I’m tired of living my life the way other people expect me to live it. I’ve dated men for 11 years now negating my attraction to women and I just want to decenter men from my life so like Iris, I just want to exclusively date women right now and I’m conscious of the fact that I could end up with either or and if it’s a man, I know some people will think that me dating women was a phase which it is not! I’m literally reprogramming my mind from years of brainwashing in thinking that women can’t be the end goal for women I hope that made sense 🥲

[@BluesyHearts]

❤❤😢

[@ms.laterholmes2890]

No water😂😂😂😂

[@scrider5493]

Would think your Dad, into music, the Arts, big time, would have been in the understanding of musicians using weed and presence of Gayness in the Arts, but may6be it was pushed away by the Army presence.