Complicated Grief: Q & A with Dr. M. Katherine Shear

[@nineangels7572]

My doctor labeled my grief complicated as I lost my dad, mom & 16 year old pet all within months of each other. They were my world. I didn't return to work after or could I focus. Thankfully, I was at an age I could retire. I did get better over time by moving away to a place that would promote my healing, getting counseling & making nature a big part of my daily life.

[@amyjoseph3914]

Nine Angels I agree. Nature is a Big part of healing.

[@JennyWren333]

I lost my mom at the beginning of the pandemic. The next day the governor shut down the state. 8 months following, we lost our beloved beloved cat. I’m lost.

[@moodylicious]

@@JennyWren333 I am SO sorry. This worldwide pandemic has left terrible trauma all over. Grieving the deaths of our loved ones, beloved pets included, in isolation seems to amplify our inner mind & all the swirling thoughts inside. Pets give us warmth & affection and I hope you were able to take a new one into your life. I am not even taking care of myself & do not feel capable of caring for a pet. Cats, while more independent, still require upkeep, but you could do it. Your mom is with you. I hope you have been able to perceive the signs (she is sending you) which show that.

[@JennyWren333]

@@moodylicious thank you for your kindness. I could never take in another animal. The closeness I have with then is too deep to bear losing another. I honor what you wrote…I don’t see or feel signs from Mom. There’s another story there but no, no signs. I look for signs from my baby though. Sometimes I feel the sheets move at night, like little footsteps are once again signaling “JoJo is here”. I hug 🤗 you, Moodylicious.

[@moodylicious]

@@JennyWren333 How beautiful! I understand. I believe JoJo is still here comforting you. Loving can be excruciating when that one we loved so much is gone. I don'[t know if I wrote this before, but ten yrs before my son died I lost my mom, my brother and my dog w/i 6 months of each other. Mom was very ill and very old. My brother while still relatively young, was gravely ill. Chelsea had cancer, was suffering, and died from it. My Chelsea's death hurt more than the deaths of mom and bro. I called Chelsea my "doggie-daughter". I won't even begin to list the reasons why a pet's death would be more painful than humans. Any pet parent knows all the reasons why. PS: I get the "there's another story there" regarding your mom. I offer my warm hug in return and hope maybe one day a lonely fur baby finds their forever home with you.

[@maxalberts85]

Freud was aware of the issue of grief long ago, defining it as a short-lived manic depressive state. Complicated grief is a term bandied about by therapists, but its effects vary from person to person. Death breaks a living bond, sometimes a bond that defined an entire lifetime. There's no getting over that.

[@amyjoseph3914]

Thank you for that, Max. They keep referring to people as “them”. But one person has an easy grief for one loved one and is devastated by the other-that is life. I disagree with you a bit, the manic depressive-like state for me was the first few weeks. But I think Freud was right about searching for the attachment and grief not resolving until each stone overturned is a confirmation that the loved one is not there.

[@SSsmith24]

No..never getting over it,, my only lil sister fell over dead 5/27/21,, I can’t get past this😭😭😭😭😭😭 Had a hubby get killed in 1980 I was 22 n pregnant,,, I still grieve for him😭😭😭😭💔

[@54GARYBOY]

Thankfully our Hospice provided 13 months of free counseling to me when my wife passed. That became very helpful to me at the end. They also offered classes with fellow grievers but those became gripe sessions and basically everyone comparing themselves to each other to "out grieve" each other- I left after just 3 of those things! It is now coming up on 3 years and by about 2 and a month I had enough and made the decision to turn the corner. Its still grief coming along for my ride but now I am driving it and it doesn't drive me. I will grieve forever after 44 years of marriage and at 67 who knows how long. But the miserable me has morphed into a better me- not without grieving and tears and every day a memory but someone who will move forward tired of being so miserable that I carried myself in my own tomb every day. Till we meet again is how I feel and happy and proud of what we had.

[@moodylicious]

wow, a great Testament to survival and human will.

[@saigenrose1032]

I've lost a lot of my family members back to back with cancer & my best friend. It has been a nightmare basically & I have been traumatized by all of the losses, my life will never be the same, my way of thinking went from peppy to serious nothing to do with happiness or allowing anyone to get close to me, want to go anywhere with friends. I am also going through grieving before it's happening again, I don't want to be abandoned, left behind Or lose anyone else in my life that I know or that I am close to. I am very afraid about everything. I'm scared of the future it's been 20 years later after my best friends death & I'm still not over it. People that don't understand will never understand about anything.

[@steveclark1303]

Grief is a loss of someone you love, you really feel that loss, emptyness, unwelcome change because you have to find something else to live for. My memories are so important because it keeps me connected to that person. That person was my Dad, but it also means my mum AND Dads togetherness working to support and love me which is missing, that relationship formed our family of 4 kids, we always had them together. That functioning unity has gone and that family falls apart, and lots of the in laws of the deceased man also falls apart. So I grieve so many connections I had, brothers and sisters 'move on', my mum is still alive but has a loss of what operated well in there marriage, to keep the family united. So 58 years I knew a mum and Dad, now I have got to rebuild a completely new life for myself, not supported by my parents, I think it's The biggest change I have to face 😔

[@54GARYBOY]

Sadly too many times a death like that opens up the dysfunction that had been covered up for years due to the strength and love of that marriage. The in-laws of the deceased split and now the person left behind has to navigate life without their "rudder" and what once seemed so solid and strong sadly gets left alone by those who suddenly do not have the time to care.

[@blessingnzewi5978]

I have being watching lots of videos about grieving but non has touched me the way yours did, cos after hearing you speak now, I feel like am really going thru complicated grief cos I lost my darling younger brother of 25years in an accident 18months ago, and I have being trying to pull myself together to move on but it has not being easy for me till now cos I don't find pleasure in anything in life anymore like I used to, I don't have the zeal and determination in life anymore, I stay indoors a lot, I get angry easily sometimes, I eat a lot sometimes, I take to drinking alcohol a lot more now just to feel better and sleep off even though it gives me headache afterwards and I just shut out from people and kind of feeling frustrated, sad, confused and more, sometimes i wished i would have don something to stop it, sometimes i feel like am dreaming and like as if he traveled on a long journey and might be back someday and the worst of all is that sometimes i feel like stop working cos i don't find pleasure in it anymore, sometimes i feel like dying, sometimes its like am loosing my mind, So I need your help to get better from this cos its getting worst by the day.

[@moodylicious]

you poor dear. My heart goes out to you. Here, "The Center For Complicated Grief" has placed a video and yet, it appears to be unattended. Not a single soul has reached out and offered a single word to you. I am afraid, my friend, this is the nature of the world. Everyone has their own families and stuff to deal with and feel it is on you to figure this out. It is a cold world. You are going through something terrible. I get the part where sometimes you feel like you are losing your mind. I think it would not take much, one day, to push me over the edge into insanity. It has gotten better and I don't think that as much anymore. You will get through this! You deserved a reply by someone of compassion or credentials that might have given you a life-line or word of encouragement. I invested a good amount of money on trained professionals in a couple years of counseling. It was more like: come in, sit down, start the one hour countdown clock where you or your insurance company are billed hundreds of dollars, talk and cry and spill your literal guts out and ding, the hour is up and you are politely dismissed, as soon as they have booked you for another costly session. I am afraid the confidence I once placed in professional grief therapists has gone. They don't care. They lack empathy. Maybe they had to learn detachment and how to keep a distance. I have learned, few people care. This is messy stuff. Others think this is your mess; our mess. Few understand deep grief. Many normal people, strong and healthy of mind, see death as a normal life event we must deal with and get over. Many people have their own timeframe of how long people should take to 'get over it'. It is a lonely walk. All I can say is read all you can. Watch every video you can. Hopefully somewhere something might help. Isn't that pitiful, though; that the world is such that this is what we face? Keep trying, open your mind to positivity and healing. In positivity, the Universe responds. I have seen it happen at times and it has felt wonderful and miraculous. But with depression and the depth of grief I have, it is hard to sustain a constant feeling of gratitude, abundance, & positivity. I don't know if you have moved on Blessed Nzewi or if you have had help that has gotten you to a better place. If I could, I would wave a magic wand and make your troubles disappear. For some of us, life is hard work. For others, it's an amazing journey of one good thing after another. I will keep you in my thoughts and ask for healing to be rained upon you. Sending loving, gentle peace from, a friend you never met.

[@jacquelinestewart3820]

I think you could be the best friend anyone could ever ask for, so wise and caring, you would make a great councillor, you could help a lot of people, you’re words are heart wrenching and full of compassion, you’re an amazing person and glad I got to meet you on this site.

[@moodylicious]

@@jacquelinestewart3820 I just saw this having stopped in to check on all of us, especially you, Jackie, knowing Danielle passed away on November 13. I am so glad I did for I just saw what you wrote. I would be honored to have you as a friend, as you are an amazing and beautiful, compassionate & caring person. I will be honoring your Danielle this year as you pass through this special time of remembrance. She had to have been lovely having such a mom as you. Through this loss, I am learning your girl & my boy carried heavier burdens than we were capable of helping them with. Let us all try to find peace knowing our loved ones are free of their burdens. love to you!

[@heatherwade2373]

I miss him so much.

[@jennifermccormick8634]

I have watched tons of these kind of videos but not one of them has made me feel like this one did. I lost my son 11 years ago and the pain still hurts today like it did on April 18th 2003. I wish there was help in my area. You would think after 11 years I would be better but I don't feel any different than the day my son passed away. His birthday is March 18th and I struggle every year thinking it will get better but it doesn't. Unless you've lost a child there is no way of knowing what this pain feels like.

[@susandelany9]

Jennifer, I am sorry to hear you are still in such difficulty since the death of your son. The treatment that Kathy Shear talks about is available in several sites in America and also in Dublin, Ireland and Oslo. If you are unable to access any treatment in person there is a book by Professor Craig White called "Living with complicated grief" that gives some suggestions for healing and might help a bit.

[@jennifermccormick8634]

Thanks! Have a wonderful day.

[@Da_Black_Man]

I know I'm late. I am so so sorry for your loss God I hope you gain at least a tiny amount peace. I just could not imagine what your going through omg

[@karenjewell6543]

I have & I do..Hugs to you

[@manuelafernandes331]

You could also do CGTby skype, which I am doing at the moment, as I could not find anyone in the UK who was a practitioner and who came recommended.

[@jeffreyferral3827]

Nothing so fixes a thing so firmly in the memory. As the wish to forget it

[@Kay-pb8tm]

So very helpful and is what i am going through since losing my Husband, Tony, 21 months ago. I should have fought harder for Drs to save him. 😢💔. Thank you 😢

[@RangerHouston]

I lost both my parents at a young age, it's been 10+ years but I still feel that deep pain every single day, when I wake up, when I go to sleep. It effects my sleep, my relationships and everything in between. I just can't get over it and I don't know what to do; I'm afraid if I seek medical help it will negativity effect my job (moreso than now)

[@agumonkey]

would your job know about that without your consent ?

[@ELizabeth_Beeza]

Seems I get both of them. Coplicated Grief and Depression. I never heard of Complicated Grief until Now.

[@jonathanpowell668]

I lost my mother who was murdered in 1996. Even though our relationship was complicated, I don't feel any sense of 'getting over her death'. I feel like I am being consumed by anger and loss. I am not and never will be violent but i feel consumed by rage and negativity which as i get older is still a prevalent and consuming factor in my life. It feels very selfish and unbearably never ending, we all live very complicated lives. X

[@mashajeffrey3879]

My father was murdered in 1996 and I have never gotten over his death. We lived in different countries so it complicated everything even more and it seemed easier to deny. I also feel rage and negativity and even though I am a therapist I somehow failed to help myself to “get over”....

[@maxalberts85]

GET HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@maxalberts85]

@@2brunhilda Crying over the death of your mother? It's painful but it's also healing. It strongly suggests that you had a beautiful bond with her that has been broken by death. I've read another comment you've written on this post and it seems to me you're brave, intelligent, compassionate and real. Those are strengths to call on when/if you're ever ready to do so. Hang in there. The day my mom died I ran screaming out into the street, in mid-February, in Minnesota, barefoot and wearing nothing but a bathrobe. The police had to come. I wax sixty three years old. I'm also in AA and I also go to Al-Anon. A good Al-Anon group is a priceless treasure.

[@mommyharris1111]

You might try reading a book called Healing Ancestral Karma by Dr Steven Farmer. You can also download it on Audible. This book helped me tons after I lost my brother suddenly. Our relationship was complicated and I had some unresolved issues after his passing.

[@moodylicious]

You guys who've lost someone to murder? I don't know how I could live with the rage & bitterness I would feel!

[@Nerdyladyy23]

My life everyday.

[@franktroina3014]

i lost my wife 12 years ago while i was at work my son had to handle everything till i got home she died three days later without waking up. i have had this grief for all this time.

[@heidimedel]

Amen! I just barely came out of complicated grief. I lost my 53 year old dad in 2011 to brain cancer and everyone bailed on me; I was so sick and riddled with cancer from pharmaceuticals; and that Prednisone wipped out my psyche and helped me have a 6 year long nervous breakdown. I reach out for help and I didn't get any. Professionals were mostly invalidating to me.

[@maxalberts85]

Hmmm....I HIGHLY doubt that prednisone is the root of your woes. Did you ever stop to consider that you, yourself, are the ISSUE? "Everyone bailed on me." Nice group of friends. You must have a talent for friendship.

[@thomasware4712]

Heidi Medel I am sorry for the loss and pain you have experienced. Please check out grief share.org. It’s important to find like minded people who are also going through grief like yourself. You need family and support! God is with you, put your hope and trust in Him, May he give you comfort, peace and hope! Sending you prayers!

[@joannenascimento9213]

How did you recover in the end?

[@heidimedel]

@@maxalberts85 it's interesting you say that because my ex who broke my spine from top to bottom trying to murder me said the same thing almost verbatim. You sound like a real mentally stable and compassion human being. It must suck to be that miserable and useless to others. 🤷‍♀️ If you were any good at reading and listening; you would have seen that I said the Prednisone helped. Not that it was the root. Words. They have meanings. I know. Weird.

[@heidimedel]

@Joanne Nascimento it took a major dietary and lifestyle overhaul. I became my own herbalist and holistic nutritionist. It was many things combined and not just one thing/method. And I also went no contact with the family members who are toxic about 9 years ago, relocated to a state where I could start over, and got myself into EMDR, DBT, years of talk therapy. I had a lot of DIBIs (rx drug induced brain injuries) that made my mental health spiral that I've had to address.

[@Silje94]

My dad died of cancer in February 2010, I was 15 at the time, turning 16 that year. I have had a really hard time coping with this, I don't feel like it has gotten any better with time. I started high school later that year, but wasn't even able to finish the first year, everything just felt too much. I just started staying at home, and I still am. I have to say that the grief wasn't my only problem though, I also struggle with really intense headaches that makes me feel like I can barely move sometimes. But the grief is still a huge part. I just don't know how things can get better, I spend all my days at home in front of the tv or pc, unable to confront real life. I don't have much of a social life. I don't know why I'm writing all this down in a youtube comment, I'm just feeling really down today. Missing my dad and my old life. Everything is just messed up now..

[@maryhyland]

Hi, I just read your post and wanted to ask if you are alone or with family? Have you been able to speak with anyone to help you get past this sadness? It has been some time since your dad passed and I know your heart aches still but you are young and need to live your life. Your dad would want you to be happy and live your life in the best way you can. I don't mean to be intrusive but I hate to think of you languishing instead of getting an education and rallying forth into your life. Please try to consider living your life rather than merely existing. There is so much to look forward to...really, there is. I do not mean to diminish your pain, just to please take steps to get your life back in gear. You will always miss your beloved dad but please know he is always with you in your heart and mind. What he taught you along the way you can use each day to make a better way for yourself. Please try. I hope you've got friends and family who are sympathetic to your situation and are a good support for you. Take care and God bless.

[@silvergirl3688]

Silje94 Hello, I was moved by your comment and I truly hope you have or will reach out for help. Join a grief group, church, therapy, just don’t try to get through it alone. Your love never dies for him. And healing does not mean you’ve forgotten him or let him go. You never will. You will live with him in your heart forever and your life will honor him, until you are reunited in heaven. I had such a real dream where my moms voice clearly said, I’m right here, I’ll see you again. Turn to God.He is near to the broken hearted. He wants to heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds. Read psalms. Your grief is a measure of how much love you and your dad shared. I’m right with you, but God is helping, when I lament to Him. God Bless you and keep you.

[@shaiclov6908]

Silje94 similar to me

[@jenniferolmstead139]

Silje94 I am very sorry for your losses! My Dad's father passed away when he was only 16, in January, 1947. And, on March 24th, 2008; then, my Mom passed away unexpectedly on March 28th, 2013. However, I am an "adult child"; but, my grieving has been extremely complicated, as well.

[@JannyLovesManny]

I feel the same , if you ever want to talk you can message me

[@kayaswift5620]

I have pstd borderline personality disorder and complicated grief.I hear its been year's.You need to focus on other stuff.They are in a better place and they would want you to move on.No-one understands it if they dont have it.

[@princessmissy50]

This is actually complicated grief: when your adult son is an addict and you've had to shut him completely off - you don't know where he is or what he's doing, just that you're not enabling him any more; your husband is ill and has to be hospitalized for 4 days; days later, your mother-in-law dies from a fatal illness; after the death, your husband's health gets worse again; you and your husband have your elderly father living in the house with you; and finally, you yourself are disabled with multiple illnesses, including bipolar. THAT is complicated grief!! You are grieving the permanent loss of your own health, the permanent loss of your disabled husband's health, the loss of your son to drugs and alcohol, and the death of your mother-in-law, all at the same time!

[@maxalberts85]

So why not take the gas pipe? You're still alive. Is your own precious life so meaningless to you that you let it be defined by loss? Um...does the term codependency ring a bell or strike a nerve?

[@maxalberts85]

@@2brunhilda Absolutely. Please see my rather more harsh reponse just below yours.

[@sfdennis1]

@@maxalberts85 What a horrible, toxic, judgemental and shaming response to someone in pain. Not helpful, and beyond insensitive, did you even watch the video?? Here's to hoping you are NOT a therapist yourself, though I'm sure the malpractice lawsuits would end that career for you soon enough.

[@moodylicious]

Thank you for the one "like". I deleted initial story that sat there for some 8 months or so after leaving my guts spread on the page. I don't know what compelled me to write it. Must have been one of my worst moments of grief, hoping someone would share their experience or drop a word of care. Stupid idea bound to receive nothing of any value, assistance, empathy, advice or whatever, as time proved. People most times just don't care.

[@elizabethwalton972]

I feel your pain. You are so spot on!!

[@54GARYBOY]

You are right- I lost my wife of 38 years and her family basically turned and drove away from me after the breakfast I had for them after the service. I was hurt and resentful-now though coming on 3 years w/o my wife and adjusting to life better-I could care less. You will have moments like you must have had all along-when it stops being so hurting is on each person`'s make up. But how sad to think nobody cares because too many through these years seem more to say to themselves "thank God it wasn't us" more than anything else.

[@moodylicious]

​@@54GARYBOY yep. 'Thank God it wasn't them' is as far as their expenditure of energy towards those in grief will go. We, as a society, do not do well with death. We either run from those in grief or simply fail to empathize enough to stand in someone else's grief long enough to take a little bit of their burden into our heart; thus relieving the griever of just a little bit of that pain. It costs nothing, is character building and shows us someone cares enough to ease our burden, if only for a moment. These little moments, combined, can provide a good deal of healing to the sad and the dis-spirited. I find it kind of appalling how selfish and stingy people have become regarding showing concern, compassion and empathy for others in emotional pain. Many really do walk this journey called life alone. Of course there are exceptions. Of course there are lots of loving people out there who really do care about others. I hope you all, lucky enough to have that, appreciate the love and care shown you and hopefully let them know how grateful you are that their hearts were made big enough to hold you. I tend to think such generosity of spirit is contagious. G B, how fortunate you were to have shared your life together with your wife for 38 years. wow! You probably had your share of up and downs. But I hope that experience gave you a mind brimming with 38 years of wondrous memories there to keep your heart warm for the years that remain. You are three years from her passing. I am five from my precious son's. I have recently begun my third go-round of therapy. I think I could build a pathway to heaven with my tears. It still can feel like yesterday for many of us, eh? Thank you for reaching out.

[@moodylicious]

@@elizabethwalton972 I so hope you have known some empathy, love and understanding in the time since you wrote. Support is so, so important. I send you mine for what it is worth.

[@54GARYBOY]

@@moodylicious You're welcome and I wish you nothing but the best as you go through these tough times.

[@darksideofthenation]

what about someone who is both depressed and has complicated grief?

[@sionyevans]

darksideofthenation I'd like to offer the suggestion that it's a depression surrounding the effect of complicated grief on your life... my depression comes from the mess my life is in because of complicated grief... but I believe it's separate from depression....I'm desperately seeking help and this lady is helping

[@geordielassie1]

I’ve just been assessed by my psychologist and have complicated grief, depression and anxiety I’m waiting for interpersonal therapy xx

[@inshallamiami]

And this help costs money. That is the crux of it.

[@geordielassie1]

Susan Kennedy I’m one of the lucky ones, I live in the uk and we have the amazing nhs! Our country has lots of faults but they got something right when they started the nhs xx

[@maxalberts85]

There are free grief groups all over the country (if you're in the U.S.) Just call 211 and find one in your area. Also, I have to wonder out loud--have you no friends? No support system outside the therapeutic environment? Because your statement is, on its face, quite bizarre. If I may extrapolate from that single sentence, I'll bet you've A LOT more going on than grief, complicated or otherwise. In other words, you have issues.

[@eyeswideshut7354]

@@maxalberts85 how does the idea of money equate to this dude having issues?

[@bhoiiii]

Wow. Very clinical.

[@rosannamolina8383]

I lost two husband's in 3 years and with Zak I found him dead wirh my 5 year old I love him so much until the minute he died and still. Im so relieced to atleast i know what's wrong with me

[@nannygrama]

And as your Mom, this video helped me a lot!!!!!! Love you!

[@karencrecco2922]

Duh... why do I grieve?! Because I loved him intensely!.... THAT’S WHY!

[@starflyer3219]

But I don't want to be "treated". I only want someone to bear withness.

[@mcjs8640]

13 years and still mourning. No meaning in life. WHAT CAN I DO? I can't restore my life because since I lost this person I have suffered a brain injury and am unable to work or go out. I don't have anyone.

[@damiank7374]

I love you im struggling too and it hurts me knowing i. Will struggle all my life its only been 5 months

[@renthiaferral6591]

I can’t look at pictures and I can’t read poems as suggested by therapist

[@moodylicious]

that makes four of us. The therapists say to look at pictures. Don't they realize we can't because the pictures show our loved ones in a state they no longer are in, when they were warm and soft, laughing and smiling - which we WILL NEVER SEE THEM DO AGAIN? Looking at pictures is like a knife through the heart. These therapists! Seems they are directing our lives from a textbook!

[@kayjones6147]

Nor can I. And I lost my husband over 20 years ago. This all came back to me this past year with so much time on my hands with this shutdown, I began to remember, think, look at pictures and things I had saved from our marriage. Now I can't as you say look at any picture of him without tearing up. It is devastating.

[@moodylicious]

@@kayjones6147 We can sure understand that. While it still brings that pain to the surface, I'm glad you saved his photos and things. I hope there will come a day we can look at our loved ones pictures and feel good, not wrecked.

[@twangel46]

I have a rather different grief. Two dogs and three cats died in our house fire. I am unusualinthe I was bed ridden with lyme and except for the tending by my husband I was unsocialised and my animals were my only friends. I feel all you describe and more,but youdthink how can I get it across to people that it is asbad as a person.

[@karenwilliams978]

I am disabled and my Baby Girl died on Christmas day. That little chihuahua was my only companion for 8 years. I miss her so much.

[@mommyharris1111]

I totally understand! When I lost my therapy dog to cancer I grieved so deeply I thought I would die. I prayed one afternoon for God to help me bear the pain as I was laying on my couch in tears. I felt two long arms reach through my body and give me a deep hug embrace me. It was the hug from my guardian Angel. From that day forward I was able to heal with the loss and cope. I still have a lock of his beautiful silky hair, his collar, and ashes. When I think of him now I can without going into a complete mess. God bless you for having a heart of gold. ♥️

[@moodylicious]

only pet moms & dads know their deaths are as painful as a human. I am sorry for this terrible loss & fire.

[@CenterforPG]

For more information about complicated grief visit us at www.complicatedgrief.org.

[@rp5863]

I think my question is when do we say that grieving has become complicated? I lost my grandma about three weeks ago, and I think about her everyday and cried god knows how many times when I'm alone, I go about my life just lije before and I even look after my other relatives who are also trying to come to term with the loss... when do I say I am experiencing complicated grief? thanks

[@Summerbeachlove108]

It would be considered complicated grief after 2-3 months. So, if you are still feeling this way, you are suffering from complicated grief.

[@gabriellemartin3713]

Kay warren grief

[@silvergirl3688]

Summerbeachlove108 everyone grieves differently, yes, some improvement should be seen but some take much longer to heal

[@maferbruce]

This is normal grief. Take care

[@moodylicious]

@@Summerbeachlove108 disagree. 2-3 months grieving is totally normal; even 6 months to a year.

[@mariamkinen8036]

Being a feminine woman may have been something that has required more work than one speaks about ; the price is soaring up when it's been taken without informed consent, against one's own will. Floating somewhere in -between man n a woman is the hardest revenge one can live. I had it all.

[@shadowman7408]

What if all those people that love and care about you are all the ones who have died... then what..

[@moodylicious]

good question. If this question is being asked from direct experience, I am sorry you are in this lonely process. Gosh! I wish there were professionals here on this video, to offer help. I would like to know, too. For now, I would recommend signing up for griefshare. org . They offer online and in person group support. No one will be writing to you directly, but you will automatically be sent a compassionate, encouraging snippet every single day, based in scripture. I never push religion on anyone and am not doing so here. I found that what I was reading every day sometimes really, really hit the mark. I think I will sign up for another go of it. *Edit: I just went there to sign up for the daily emailing and see it seems to be more developed, more hands on. I know there are usually local group meetings you could find and attend. fyi, there are lots of support groups out there for grievers. Some are highly targeted according to type of loss. google "local grief support groups" and see if you can find a meet-up group near you.

[@shadowman7408]

@@moodylicious talking to people doesn't help. Doctors keep reccomending me those group things and I don't get it. I can't stand people and I'd hate that.

[@moodylicious]

​@@shadowman7408 yes. I hear you & I get it. Do you feel like your mind is overflowing with feelings and thoughts about things? Do you find fleeting escape in music, movies, games reading, nature or hobbies? The first question was to help gauge the level of your inner self. Can you look w/i and see whether there is any calmness felt? If so, identify when you feel calm & what you were doing that put you in that state. If it is not dangerous, you'd want to go back to the source when you find yourself in an overly agitated state of mind. A steady diet of worry, stress, anxiety, & grief is not good for you/us. I 'get' your not being able to stand people. Does this include people of good intentions in your life who may care about you, despite your not wanting them? Since your people have died, has there been someone in particular who you know has sincerely reached out to you & stayed constant since? **Please know I ask these questions because I care. You asked your simple poignant question first. I, while struggling myself w/ more than yet shared, do have some knowledge & experience. And I feel for others, wanting to help, in any small way I can. All of us landed on this page about Complicated Grief because we were looking for understanding or answers. An option for you is to make a phone call to a reputable public outreach organization offering their services for free. The title Suicide Prevention Hotline is a misnomer or is misleading as you don't need to be at that point to make that call. I checked the site. suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ 1-800-273-8255 It says: "No matter what problems you’re dealing with, whether or not you’re thinking about suicide, if you need someone to lean on for emotional support, call the Lifeline. People call to talk about lots of things: substance abuse, economic worries, relationships, sexual identity, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and loneliness, to name a few." ~~~~~ Talking to someone anonymous may help make you not feel so alone. And in your world, if someone is sincerely showing you they care enough about you to reach out; maybe try letting them in. Progress starts with baby steps.

[@shadowman7408]

@@moodylicious I drink and I game living in awful condition with awful neighbors with crippling symptoms from various chronic disease and just being haunted day and night by the memories of them and our home. There are no ressources where I live other than these stupid group sessions. Had tried, planned to meet up with girlfriend whose far away in another country and tryto have a semblant of a second life, but alas, got crippled again by a fucking dentist. Used to drink and game but now too bad off for even that. and yeah, other than her, and whats left of the second degree relatives i want nothing to do with anyone.

[@moodylicious]

@@shadowman7408 oh sweetheart, I am SO SORRY you are in such a situation. It sounds very dismal. One thing I have learned, (sadly, painfully & realistically) is our futures, our healing, our surviving boils down to each of us personally choosing to make it or not. No magic pill will change us; no therapist. YES, they can help us see where we are in our thinking and they can tell us to practice mindfulness, to meditate, to pray, to take walks, to practice self-care....and these things DO help. They help because it helps to raise our consciousness. These things put us in touch with the perfection of being, deep down inside of us. And then, the hope is that a spark for survival is lit under us, driving us on to seek a way up and out of our degradation. For five years I have been sick with grief. I blame myself. I feel I do not deserve to live. I have let everything go and find no real compassion in my own "second degree relatives". Now I recently learned I have melanoma. I believe my body being constantly bathed in stress hormones, incredible grief, sadness, anxiety, self-disgust has given this cancer a place to grow. And as this is a free world and we are basically all ON OUR OWN, to live or die, succeed or fail; the world is fine letting us live or die. Those of us blessed or lucky enough to have someone near ready to drag us out of the misery of our lives should hang on them with all your might and LET THEM HELP YOU; for many of us are pretty much past helping ourselves. You must ask yourself if you have chosen to slowly degrade, decline and die from your drinking and disease? Do you want to get better? Do you want to live? Do you want to get away from the "awful conditions" you are living? Decide if you want to rise above your situation and SET YOUR MIND TO IT & DON'T GIVE UP, for there will be obstacles and setbacks. But if you manifest your thought, each move you make should slowly gradually see you doing it. Better opportunities & things will appear in your life. Keep your eyes and mind open for these opportunities the universe is sending and act on them for your good. If you want this you can do it. I wish I could help you.

[@mariamkinen8036]

It is not all about ppl. An analysis is not the cure. A physical reversal would be. One can grieve bodily happiness. Or, more specifically , the loss of normal , Good health . When it's been robbed by a crime n malpractice .

[@slimmy696jim7]

I highly doubt COMPLICATED GRIEF will ever be fully understood because , a simple quality like loving that person very intensely is just being human. 😔😔😔

[@mariamkinen8036]

The human psyche relies almost 100 % on sex- gender qualities n identity; therefore , my persona is not for trade .UNTRADABLE

[@lonniewhite3648]

Where is God in this? No God no hope!

[@plazma88]

Read Psamls . I was non believer but there is something magical in them.

[@jacquelinestewart3820]

If I knew there was a god, I think I wouldn’t be in so much pain, for the last 2 years, all I’ve been looking for is some sign that there’s an after life, it’s something I truly need to know.

[@arsalanfarooqui4427]

Sad